No, this is not a choice I am facing right now. My wife and I are happy with each other and still taking it slow and still living our usual lives.
However, I did face a couple of questions regarding this from my therapist today. He had been asking me a lot about my relationship with my wife, her reactions to my 'cross-dressing' and what parts of my being trans and transitioning is she okay with. Then he put it down in the form of 2 simple questions:
1.) Suppose you have been on HRT for several months, have fixed a date for surgery, and your wife has been supportive all along. Then she tells you not to go ahead with the surgery. What would you do?
2.) Suppose she decides right now that anything other than 'cross-dressing' is not OK and she can't live with it. What would you do?
I said I'll choose my marriage in the first case, and transition in the second. And here is the reason.
For me, it is not about 'cross-dressing' any more. I am sure enough about my gender identity and that I cannot live on as 'male' for the rest of my life. Hence I've already started with laser, have clearly told my wife I am considering HRT, and that I would want to eventually transition socially and legally. If it's not possible where we are, or if recognition of our marriage is a problem, we can try emigrating as well. She is still not sure whether her opposition to HRT and further steps is because of what others will say where we are, or if she can't live with a woman at all, i.e. will she be OK with it if we are in a more open and accepting place where being lesbian or trans is not such a big deal?
Given this situation, if she goes back to the scenario in question 2, I don't think I could deal with suppressing myself to that extent. Hence I would choose transition.
Now about question 1, I can understand that even if someone can accept everything else, wrapping one's mind around something as major as a partner getting SRS can still be daunting. I would have ideally liked to go far enough that I could be able to bear my own kids, but I know that's currently medically impossible, so I wouldn't mind adding SRS also to the list of things I can't have and putting it aside. Also, being lesbian and more importantly wanting to be with my wife for good, I do not see it as absolutely necessary.
On the other hand, I do see it as an important step in completing the transition journey, and if it remains a legal requirement and may make a difference to being accepted or being safer etc, I would want to go for it. But if it comes down to a choice like the one above, I would rather save my marriage.
I know my responses may be atypical, but I thought it's better to just be truthful to the therapist instead of just saying what we think they want to hear. I also told my wife about this and she seemed a bit upset about my answer to question 2, but then I think she got over it.
What do you'll think about these two questions and my responses?
I have been fortunate to not have to make the choices between marriage and my transition since I never did marry anyone, but if I was faced with the situation your in I feel I would have pretty much said what you did in response to those 2 questions. Ultimately you and you alone will decide what you need and what may or may not happen to your marriage as a result. Good luck. I hope your able to keep your marriage and transition.
Mariah
What you do with your life when you are on your own is much simpler than when you already have a strong relationship and don't want to lose that person. Sometimes you don't know what you would really do until it happens. You answered honestly with the information you have at the time and the way things are currently going. The only person who can judge you is you.
People have different limits as to what they can live with and what they can't. For some cis women, the connection is stronger than the body you have. For others, getting past winding up in a same sex marriage just isn't something they can live with. Things change, and what your wife feels today may change in a few months. It may not. As long as you keep an open line of communication, even if she decides its too much, it won't be a sudden shock and hopefully you will be able to have an amicable divorce and stay good friends. I hope that isn't the case and you will both be ok with your transition and can stay together.
sam1234
Thanks Mariah and Sam.
I am hoping so too.
My wife does indicate that it is more about issues with others rather than her own preference which makes her oppose my transition, but then she says this is all too much for her to wrap her head around right now. She wants a simple life without attracting too much attention or being too radical or anything. She thinks I used to be a very simple person who has suddenly become very complex, but I tell her this complexity and my personality has always been the same. It's just that I am now working with different information.
Transgender people tend to be introvert, focusing only on themselves, sometimes overlooking the responses and emotion of their significant others.
In my case, several years ago, I got a permission letter from the psychologist to undergo HRT, but the surgeon said to me that he will do if I come again with my wife and she consents. Eventually I gave up HRT. I have 3 kids, and my wife is very supportive of me regarding my gender issue.
The surgeon is the most prestigious guy here in my country regarding SRS. http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2014/04/01/world/asia/ap-as-skorea-transgender-surgeon.html
As he was such a experienced surgeon, knowing very well possible responses of the wife and the consequences. Transition is a serious issue in determining the status and well-being of a family.
HRT is far different and a grave change for your SOs to accept and live with. Your wife wanted to live with a man, not a woman.
It is your choice, but if you can manage to live by just crossdressing like me, you can have both your wife and your happiness.
In any case, do not hurry. Your wife needs a lot of time to digest your change and figure out her future and choices.
barbie~~
How easily one can deny transition varies from person to person, but the urge, the need, grows with age. At some point, the need can become overwhelming. Hopefully by then the spouse will understand and accept before the situation becomes life threatening.
Robyn, the elder
Quote from: cindy16 on April 12, 2015, 11:30:22 AM
She is still not sure whether her opposition to HRT and further steps is because of what others will say where we are, or if she can't live with a woman at all, i.e. will she be OK with it if we are in a more open and accepting place where being lesbian or trans is not such a big deal? Given this situation, if she goes back to the scenario in question 2, I don't think I could deal with suppressing myself to that extent. Hence I would choose transition.
That's a good point Cindy, it's so important to talk about the reasons, and find what would be crossing the line. I don't see how a relationship would survive long term anyway, if a partner has to suffer in the pain of dysphoria.
I've never been married , so I've never had to make that choice. I think it would be such a torment . I've been a lone the majority of my life and always deeply desired to find someone. For me the decision to transition was quite easy because I had no other considerations, but knowing what it's like to be alone and always desiring to be married that decision would tear me apart.
I think the most encouraging part is where you immediately went home and told your wife about it. :) As long as you're communicating well and still in love, your marriage is still solid.
(It doesn't matter what your answers are, as it's *your* life; it matters that you're honest with yourself and with her, and you have been.)
If it helps her, feel free to tell her you know at least one person - me - who has gone on to have the same boring, simple, normal life post-transition as before. I'm doing it living as a woman, and I'm happier, but nothing about being trans means you "have to" have some kind of giant ongoing drama. We're also still happily married, and while it was a stressful year or so, our marriage is stronger than ever.
I hope I don't have to choose. I tried to be as up front with my wife throughout dating and marriage. Shes been super supportive and I am now in the process. I think that if we reach a point and there is a backlash, we will probably be able to come to some sort of compromise- like I go low dose HRT for the time being.
As far as she has communicated, the only question is if SRS is going to be okay or not. In the end I can give up quite a bit, but I honestly think I need, at least a compromise of low dose HRT to alleviate my gender issues if it came down to it. At least this way, I can be making small progress and not be basically going backwards.
I don't think that will have to be the case though as we are not a typical couple and have been very open and accepting about my preferred role as a woman since we have been together.
Quote from: cindy16 on April 12, 2015, 11:30:22 AM
What do you'll think about these two questions and my responses?
It's a great exercise, but there's so much unpredictable about how a marriage will stand up to transition, I think it's hard to say really how it would be. My reaction to question 2 was exactly the same. In the end, it did destroy a good marriage (though it had been going downhill before the whole gender thing).
As for question 1, that's highly individual. Need for SRS ranges from "suicide or surgery" to "I've always kind of wanted it" (I'm definitely the second). Only you know where on that range you fit. But I would have chosen what you did.
I hope it goes well. Good luck.
First off, I'll voice an opinion on Scenario #1. Start HRT and several months later SRS??? I would not blame her at all for wanting to put the brakes on big time! Heck, my wife is the one who told me it would be OK with her if I started HRT, yet 2 years later the girls are upseting, but not nearly as much as learning just how much I love the changes. As in I am past the point of being able to stop if push came to shove. An option I put on the table several times in the past during my "WTF am I Doing ??? " meltdowns. In #1 time is an ally. It allows your partner to adjust, absorb, and get a handle on something totally foreign to them. Something that you had spent a lifetime barely getting a handle on.
In the "Village" where we live, just 5 miles from New York City, the people and their attitudes are far from open and accepting. I felt safer in rural West Virginia, aka hillbilly country, then I do where we live. Our near/long term plan is to ditch this town, and our properties here asap. Her health needs keep anything from happening quickly. Getting away from here will allow me the opportunity to go back to part-time living. As well as the opportunity for her to see what life living with another woman might be like for her.
Thirty years ago is where my wife and both were in the Scenario #2 situation. I had "Experimented" twice with transition. Experiments and details of which she knew of very early on in our relationship. At that time I truely felt there was absolutely no way I could, therefore wanted to even think again about transitioning. I felt my fate was sealed between my physical features and other life desires which took higher priority. Even today I do not regret that decision. I honestly felt that the ocassional cross-dressing was all that I needed to help keep the beast at bay. If I dared to persevere and keep up with a transition I'd likely be dead today. No way was I emotionally and spiritually equipped to take on the task.
Today, I know all too painfully well I cannot go back to that. It is not enough. I learned where my true joy lies. I am finally alive after a lifetime of being undead. Even my now few hours monthly of feeling totally genuine barely keeps me going. And that is on top of being able to present as Joanne at home. The peasants will not take long to gather up the pitch forks and torches to kill the monster if she dared to venture outside these four walls. But no matter. I know with all my heart my wife will never ask such a thing of me. Like me she places my happiness above her own. She also deeply feels that me taking the path I am had to of meant suicide became a very viable option vs such a major break from the past. So far, I don't see Scenario #2 being a possibility. But if it did come to that... I just don't know. I live in fear of "Reverting" back into that person I was. The past 3 months now of missing my group meetings has dredged up all sorts of fears and doubts. It also is awakening the devil sitting on my shoulder that shouts "You can stop this craziness". So far my angels and Joannes voices can shout it down. Add in my wife's teary voice to the devils shouts... I'd likely capitulate. Then it becomes a question of how long before I break.... one way or the other :(
Your therapist is doing a good job by asking you questions that make you think about the future. You are doing the right thing by discussing it with your wife.
If you go on HRT for a while you may develop a different perspective about the future, as well as your wife.
Definitely a hard question to answer. What I have noticed though is that once alot of us mtf even become aware of the concept of HRT, its hard to let go, or to not want to atleast try it. That urge is only going to grow with time (especially when you're online and are seeing a ton of amazing transformations). I feel like once you even start to consider transition a possibility, its only a matter of time...
Thanks everyone for the replies.
Quote from: barbie on April 12, 2015, 02:25:07 PM
Transgender people tend to be introvert, focusing only on themselves, sometimes overlooking the responses and emotion of their significant others.
On the contrary, I feel that my wife and I are more worried about each other than about our own feelings towards this, which is making it more complex.
Quote from: barbie on April 12, 2015, 02:25:07 PM
HRT is far different and a grave change for your SOs to accept and live with. Your wife wanted to live with a man, not a woman.
It is your choice, but if you can manage to live by just crossdressing like me, you can have both your wife and your happiness.
In any case, do not hurry. Your wife needs a lot of time to digest your change and figure out her future and choices.
I agree, which is why we are both taking time to sort it out in our heads. Maybe a year, maybe more.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on April 12, 2015, 06:02:33 PM
I think the most encouraging part is where you immediately went home and told your wife about it. :) As long as you're communicating well and still in love, your marriage is still solid.
(It doesn't matter what your answers are, as it's *your* life; it matters that you're honest with yourself and with her, and you have been.)
If it helps her, feel free to tell her you know at least one person - me - who has gone on to have the same boring, simple, normal life post-transition as before. I'm doing it living as a woman, and I'm happier, but nothing about being trans means you "have to" have some kind of giant ongoing drama. We're also still happily married, and while it was a stressful year or so, our marriage is stronger than ever.
Thanks for the encouragement.
About our lives not being an ongoing drama, well the thing is that same-sex relationships have no recognition here, so trying to live that way will have its own set of issues. Yes there are same-sex couples who stay together regardless, and there are people who have transitioned and live 'normal' lives, but I am yet to find both these things happening with the same person. Anyway, I don't see it as a reason anymore that will stop me. If I need to push my way through to get accepted, I'll do so.
Quote from: JoanneB on April 12, 2015, 06:35:45 PM
First off, I'll voice an opinion on Scenario #1. Start HRT and several months later SRS???
Joanne, actually it was the therapist who posed this question, and he did not specify a timeline. It could be after a few months or a few years of HRT, but his point was about making a final choice between SRS or marriage, and not just delaying the decision.
Quote from: TransSasha on April 12, 2015, 07:29:52 PM
Definitely a hard question to answer. What I have noticed though is that once alot of us mtf even become aware of the concept of HRT, its hard to let go, or to not want to atleast try it. That urge is only going to grow with time (especially when you're online and are seeing a ton of amazing transformations). I feel like once you even start to consider transition a possibility, its only a matter of time...
I agree. I have been aware of the existence of transgender people since childhood, but where I live, they are treated as a 'third gender' and many people tend to conflate them with intersex conditions or something else. I have also been aware for a long time of what was earlier called 'sex change surgery', but to me it seemed like a crazily difficult and expensive and risky process. Even a famous trans actress here apparently backed off in the middle of her transition. I also knew about hormones, but besides their use in cis people for various conditions, I only knew of Alan Turing's story, who became depressed and obese because of this 'punishment' for being gay.
Only a few months ago, I discovered the concept of HRT as it applies to MtF transitions, saw some of those transformations, understood how the brain and body can be differently wired, read about other 'late onset' cases like mine and realized my feelings were real and valid. And only then could I begin to accept myself, but now I also cannot see any other way out.
Cindy : Hm, good point. I'd totally overlooked that possibility, and I'm sorry for that. You've found both in one person now... :) but we live somewhere that same-sex marriage has been accepted since the beginning (Boston, MA) and I'm sure that does make a huge difference. Still, I admire your fortitude, and I'm sure that you can manage to build an otherwise drama-free life for her; it's just a shame that other people may try to interfere.
Quote from: Jenna Marie on April 13, 2015, 05:33:21 AM
Cindy : Hm, good point. I'd totally overlooked that possibility, and I'm sorry for that. You've found both in one person now... :) but we live somewhere that same-sex marriage has been accepted since the beginning (Boston, MA) and I'm sure that does make a huge difference. Still, I admire your fortitude, and I'm sure that you can manage to build an otherwise drama-free life for her; it's just a shame that other people may try to interfere.
Oh, you don't need to say sorry. :)
Btw, this point and Barbie's earlier point about managing only with cross-dressing reminds me of a trend I have seen here, that even those who successfully transition and are accepted still have to fit into a hetero-normative society.
For example, see this: http://www.mid-day.com/articles/five-years-at-iit-a-degree-and-a-new-gender-identity/15096063 (http://www.mid-day.com/articles/five-years-at-iit-a-degree-and-a-new-gender-identity/15096063)
Quote
For instance, how difficult it was for the alumnus, who now works with an IT firm in Mumbai, to get her landlord and housing society members to understand that sex change was her choice.
"In my building there was a huge controversy over my transition and I was asked to leave my apartment. My parents helped me out here a lot. They convinced the building's secretary, the landlord and the society members to let me stay at least till my surgery. After my surgery, none of them had any problem with my staying anyway, since I am now a "normal" woman. I now have a renewed contract with my landlord, with my new name, addressing me as Ms instead of Mr," she says.
It seems to suggest that people are willing to accept it as a medical condition which requires a 'complete' change, but while one is in the process or if one goes halfway or has an added factor like sexuality or something else which is not 'normal', then one can expect even more trouble.
Quote from: cindy16 on April 13, 2015, 04:05:03 AM
...well the thing is that same-sex relationships have no recognition here, so trying to live that way will have its own set of issues.
I live in Missouri and my wife and I worried about this when I had my gender legally changed to female in court. She (my lawyer) told me that my marriage 25 years ago is a contract that Missouri cannot just no longer honor and it changes nothing in our marital status in this state--A state that does not recognize same-sex marriage. You should talk with a law professional to see how it would be for you in your state.
Quote from: ainsley on April 13, 2015, 09:44:36 AM
I live in Missouri and my wife and I worried about this when I had my gender legally changed to female in court. She (my lawyer) told me that my marriage 25 years ago is a contract that Missouri cannot just no longer honor and it changes nothing in our marital status in this state--A state that does not recognize same-sex marriage. You should talk with a law professional to see how it would be for you in your state.
Thanks Ainsley, but I am in a different country, India, where the laws are uniformly non-accepting. I will try to find a lawyer who is supportive and try to figure this out when the time comes. I don't think this question has ever come up in our courts but I think the same principle might apply here - that the contract remains valid based on what was true at the time it was made.
Quote from: cindy16 on April 13, 2015, 09:55:08 AM
Thanks Ainsley, but I am in a different country, India, where the laws are uniformly non-accepting. I will try to find a lawyer who is supportive and try to figure this out when the time comes. I don't think this question has ever come up in our courts but I think the same principle might apply here - that the contract remains valid based on what was true at the time it was made.
OIC. Could be a bit different, then, eh? :)
Good luck!
My transitioning broke my wife's heart. She lost her husband and it hurt her deeply.
It was what I had to do, and I had to accept the consequences.
It's true that we all have to fit into a heteronormative society, and that gets more difficult the less we fit the expected mold. Personally, I've been quite fortunate - no one who mattered objected to my transition, and I'm happier living as a woman and a perceived lesbian than I was as a straight man, even with the additional hassles. (My wife is also happier being seen as a lesbian than as straight, so I was *very* lucky there.)
I'm afraid I know next to nothing about the situation for trans people in India, so you have only my wholehearted support and best wishes!
Thanks for the wishes Ainsley and Jenna Marie.
@ treeLB: So sorry to hear that. :(
The problem with the questions I have is the implication that there is choice or control but my experience with transition was that I had very little control of how things would go. Even of my self trying to make compromises and deals with myself and SO all failed. I simply had to have my life as a woman as complete as I could there was never room for compromise it just took me a while to figure that out.
Quote from: cindy16 on April 12, 2015, 11:30:22 AM
However, I did face a couple of questions regarding this from my therapist today. He had been asking me a lot about my relationship with my wife, her reactions to my 'cross-dressing' and what parts of my being trans and transitioning is she okay with. Then he put it down in the form of 2 simple questions:
1.) Suppose you have been on HRT for several months, have fixed a date for surgery, and your wife has been supportive all along. Then she tells you not to go ahead with the surgery. What would you do?
2.) Suppose she decides right now that anything other than 'cross-dressing' is not OK and she can't live with it. What would you do?
What do you'll think about these two questions and my responses?
The questions and your responses are reasonable first steps in understanding feelings before starting the process. Looking back as to how I would answer these questions in the past year and a half, my answer would change every two weeks based on my feelings and that of my wife. There are many ups and downs. Times of acceptance and times of fear and worry. Our respective attitudes toward transitioning changes over time as my transition advances. Similar to your earlier comment, feelings becomes very complex when you are trying to find a balance between protecting your SO from harm while addressing your needs.
Last week, I thought we would eventually drift apart. Then, my wife reaffirmed her love and commitment to me, but there has to be compromises. Physical intimacy will eventually have to come to an end. This is very difficult for me especially when HRT and coming out has opened my emotional side. We have found other ways to strengthen our relationship. Of course, two weeks later this condition will change for the better or worse, and so will our outlook on our relationship.
I do feel that we have too much in common to be separated. My wife's acceptance has improved over time, and I love her for that. However, our relationship will be much different from when it started. You are taking a thoughtful approach to moving forward, and I hope that you can find a place and time where you are comfortable together.
Quote from: Stochastic on April 17, 2015, 09:45:08 AM
The questions and your responses are reasonable first steps in understanding feelings before starting the process. Looking back as to how I would answer these questions in the past year and a half, my answer would change every two weeks based on my feelings and that of my wife. There are many ups and downs. Times of acceptance and times of fear and worry. Our respective attitudes toward transitioning changes over time as my transition advances. Similar to your earlier comment, feelings becomes very complex when you are trying to find a balance between protecting your SO from harm while addressing your needs.
Last week, I thought we would eventually drift apart. Then, my wife reaffirmed her love and commitment to me, but there has to be compromises. Physical intimacy will eventually have to come to an end. This is very difficult for me especially when HRT and coming out has opened my emotional side. We have found other ways to strengthen our relationship. Of course, two weeks later this condition will change for the better or worse, and so will our outlook on our relationship.
I do feel that we have too much in common to be separated. My wife's acceptance has improved over time, and I love her for that. However, our relationship will be much different from when it started. You are taking a thoughtful approach to moving forward, and I hope that you can find a place and time where you are comfortable together.
Thanks. I can relate to a lot of this.
Anyway, no point thinking about it too much now. Will take it as it comes.
Quote from: cindy16 on April 17, 2015, 12:29:02 PM
Thanks. I can relate to a lot of this.
Anyway, no point thinking about it too much now. Will take it as it comes.
Good perspective.
I did not do a good job at making my point which is that people should not get discouraged on how they answer the two questions. A lot can change over time.
Quote from: Stochastic on April 17, 2015, 09:45:08 AM
Last week, I thought we would eventually drift apart. Then, my wife reaffirmed her love and commitment to me, but there has to be compromises. Physical intimacy will eventually have to come to an end. This is very difficult for me especially when HRT and coming out has opened my emotional side. We have found other ways to strengthen our relationship. Of course, two weeks later this condition will change for the better or worse, and so will our outlook on our relationship.
I found all this to be very true. During any sort of a transition change is constant. Transition is to change and you can either do it alone or be a partner, which is a two way street.
Communication & Compromise. But don't expect commitment, from either your spouse, or even yourself. All living things change. I spent over 30 years trying my best not to change, the result was not living.
I lost a 27 year marriage due to transitioning. Ultimately it came down to a decision of whether to keep killing myself drink by drink (and I was way, way down that road) or to do something about it and stay alive.
I see several viewpoints to this issue, and I think that they all are right.
One viewpoint is that of my ex's. She told me "I married a man" - she wants to be with a man and is attracted to men, not women. I get that. I really do.
Another viewpoint is that I have a medical condition that was eventually going to end my life and I did something about it. I did nothing to cause it and I certainly did not want it, which leads up to a question: Is it acceptable to split up because one person is born with a hidden medical condition that the other one doesn't like?
Ugh :-\
Being a transsexual is a Hobson's choice with no good options for a lot of married couples.
As Jenna Marie pointed out we do live in a heteronormative society and I believe a big part of my ex's refusal to stay with me relates to that. Shes a traditional southern girl with traditional southern values, and I know she considered what living with me would be like and how society would view her and it totally wigged her out. I know she was considering all of this because she made mention of kissing me in public one time and what other people would think about that, and apparently the answer to that question was unpalatable to her. I completely understand her feelings about not wanting to be seen as a lesbian when you are straight.
Part of our journey involves a certain amount of courage to not care what other people think - I had no choice and had to adopt that kind of thinking, but my ex couldn't bridge that gap. It was easier for her to just walk away from me and start a new life with someone else, and thats what she did.
Getting back to the original question - for many of us transitioning eventually becomes something that we must do to preserve our lives. For our S/Os a partner transitioning is a huge, unexpected issue that many rightfully can't accept. Some transgender people can fight off the feelings in order to save a marriage, but as they get older it becomes harder and harder to do so and the personal cost keeps getting higher, and it might eventually have an ultimate cost.
Quote from: Stochastic on April 17, 2015, 02:12:43 PM
I did not do a good job at making my point which is that people should not get discouraged on how they answer the two questions. A lot can change over time.
No, I got that. Not immediately but after a while. Which is why I said no point thinking about it too much, if things are anyway going to change later.
Quote from: JoanneB on April 19, 2015, 07:00:24 AM
Communication & Compromise. But don't expect commitment, from either your spouse, or even yourself.
Communication and compromise is what we are relying on too. For us, that also means commitment as of now, but I'm not sure what we would do when we eventually reach a fork in the road.
Quote from: Eva Marie on April 19, 2015, 09:24:42 AM
Getting back to the original question - for many of us transitioning eventually becomes something that we must do to preserve our lives. For our S/Os a partner transitioning is a huge, unexpected issue that many rightfully can't accept. Some transgender people can fight off the feelings in order to save a marriage, but as they get older it becomes harder and harder to do so and the personal cost keeps getting higher, and it might eventually have an ultimate cost.
This is exactly what I fear too. 'Transition or die' is not a choice I am facing right now, but I cannot say for sure that I'll never reach that point. And for my partner, it has really come up as a huge, unexpected issue, though she's trying her best to accept it.
Quote from: cindy16 on April 19, 2015, 09:54:40 AM
Communication and compromise is what we are relying on too. For us, that also means commitment as of now, but I'm not sure what we would do when we eventually reach a fork in the road.
"When you come to the fork in the road, take it" Yogiism
Eventually you reach a fork. The trick is preparing for it, which you are.
I thought I'll share an update here.
My wife and I have been talking about this off and on for the past month since I posted this, but there was one particular evening when it really went out of control and we both ended up crying buckets. In a way it was good because I think we ended up saying a lot of things to each other that we should have said before. Not hurtful stuff or anything, just things that showed both of us how serious this issue is for both of our lives.
For example, I really opened up to her about how I had never liked how I looked, never cared about my appearance, body, health, even how long I lived etc. I don't think I'd even been complimented on anything about my appearance by anyone else until she did it when we were dating. I told her how I had feared everyone around me in school, college etc and there was no way to know or put in words what I felt. Maybe that's why I hid everything so deep that I hid it from myself.
She said she could understand but that this was going to destroy our lives as we knew it, that she had dreams for our future together, and that maybe she should have just married someone else, or that she should go now and find someone else. I said that would be good, but then we also spoke about some of her creepy 'friends' who hit on her even when we were dating, and that it would be really hard to find someone else now. More importantly, we loved each other and were just so used to each other that we wanted to be with each other, no matter what. At one point, I ended up saying I'll get out of this, I'll go get a haircut right now etc, but she stopped me (thank god for that).
We also spoke about kids. We plan to have a biological one now (maybe in the coming year or so) and adopt another one a few years down the line. She had been telling me that I should try to get out of this 'phase' or at least put off transitioning until we were much older and had less to worry about, but then I explained that it will only get tougher with time, and I seriously didn't know how long I could take it. Eventually, we agreed that I'll put off HRT until the biological kid arrives, but also that by the time of the adopted kid, we would both be mothers.
Not sure if things will remain as they are now or get better or worse, but at least we are still sticking together and intend to have a family together, and she also knows my transness isn't going away.
@cindy16 In our country you just dont marry your spouse, you marry her entire family .You do know that right ?
You should totally consider emigrating to the states or any western countries.
I'm no expert on relationships and stuff but your situation looks scary as hell.
Hope everything works out for you.
May the force be with you.
Good Night
Fear comes from ignorance. Be patient, and I hope that time will solve every problems.
barbie~~
The ole "I can stop this if I have to... for US". I know that one well. As with you, my "Reality Therapist" told me otherwise. Even long before it became clear to me I really cannot. Yet, just the insanity of it all after the 6 years it's been has me depressed and once again thinking... "Why?"
That thinking is all the easier to accomplish with a life full of diversions, and distractions. My old friends that kept me going for decades. Allowing me to simply ignore me. Shut down the overwhelming noise. Allowed me to have a life, but not to live. What my life is slipping into once again now with no time for me as I care for my wife and her needs.
Once the T-Bomb is dropped, your life, as you knew it, is destroyed. There is no taking it back. No "Do Overs". You both live with the consequences. Adjust to the new realities. Realities that may not be readily apparent. Realities that may not manifest themselves for a while.
Thanks Kim, Barbie and Joanne.
Kim, I know that one, but thankfully we don't really depend on either of our families so we can have a 'take it or leave it' attitude if it comes to that. Emigration is a possibility but not in the near future.
Barbie and Joanne, we are taking it slow, and trying to adjust the needs of both of us to this situation. Let's see...
I 100% agree with Joanna, except that I didn't try to hold out for anything like 6 years.
I can relate to this...I've been married 8 years now, I'm a 37 year old step dad to two teens and my wife and i have a 5 year old together. I just talked with her yesterday on my feelings and she was supportive in a way. Simply said "seek therapy" see what they say and we'll talk later about the "what ifs" and to be honest, that freaks me out...so what happens when I go to a therapist and they deem me transgender and give the green light for HRT??? Then I have to have the "what now" talk that could possibly be the end of my marriage and the loss of my kids??? It's scary business... But I understand your situation. Good luck.
If you move forward, I recommend you just go slow. Let her catch up with you a bit. Bond through doing things together you didn't before. Start small but do girl stuff together. At least that was what worked for me. I'm not full time but my wife has said she is staying with me. We are halfway through life and our kids are almost out of the house. At this point we are closer than ever and I am a nicer person. So the physical stuff goes away. She's not a lesbian after all. We still cuddle, hold hands and kiss. It's all I need.
Go slow, be kind, loving and let her see that you are a better person.
Either way, good luck!
Telling my wife of 25 years (at the time) was the most stressful thing I ever did. It took place over several conversations. If she had said she could not stay with me if I transitioned I would possibly be dead because I couldn't make that choice.
We are now married 28 years and closer and happier than ever. I understand that she may eventually have different needs, but having her here has been so wonderful.
Till now, I have purposely abstained from this thread, but, watching an being drawn in to it.
I am in the unfortunate position of being too scared to kill the relationship...
1) I knew who I was as a kid, but tried to conform, and succeeded despite fighting my demons
2) I got married, it was the "right" thing to do at that time (over 40 years now)
3) I had kids...that is what marriage was all about
4) I worked hard and provided for my family, had to put my desires, wishes and demons to the back of my head
5) I had grandkids, more complexity the family was expanding, desperately hanging on
6) Started HRT 12 years ago, assuming I would tell all and transition in a year, a year, a year...
Now here I am, can't fight myself anymore... but knowing my wife's trust in me and my families trust will be destroyed I have also now ensured that financially there are no debts and a home over my wife's head forever.
Apart from securing a new job, I am now ready to take that final step, am I scared, hell yeah, will I ever recover, no probably not, will I enjoy being who I know I am. hell yeah
Will I miss my wife, kids and grandkids, assuming the worst, more than you could ever imagine, I spend as much time as I can with them... feeling like a cheater consistently.
Am I sane... definitely, and I always wish I could turn back the clock... but what's done is done... luckily I have managed the pain, anguish and pretence of being male since I can remember, I think in some respects I have been lucky to be able to do that, but on the other hand I would not be in this awful position I am now if I had not managed it so well...
But I am looking forward to being at total peace and comfort with who I am after so many years... so that's a massive bonus... and hey my worst fears may not eventuate, right?
L Katy :-*
Quote from: CrysC on May 29, 2015, 12:26:01 AM
If you move forward, I recommend you just go slow. Let her catch up with you a bit. Bond through doing things together you didn't before. Start small but do girl stuff together. At least that was what worked for me. I'm not full time but my wife has said she is staying with me. We are halfway through life and our kids are almost out of the house. At this point we are closer than ever and I am a nicer person. So the physical stuff goes away. She's not a lesbian after all. We still cuddle, hold hands and kiss. It's all I need.
Go slow, be kind, loving and let her see that you are a better person.
Either way, good luck!
Yes. Going slow is critical. It is like driving in bumpy roads. Driving too fast can cause accidents.
I started wearing women's dress in 2003.
Nowadays, not just my family but all people around me accept it.
My wife is now very supportive of me, although she initially had some difficulty in digesting my ->-bleeped-<-.
barbie~~
Quote from: katrinaw on May 29, 2015, 12:55:23 AM
But I am looking forward to being at total peace and comfort with who I am after so many years... so that's a massive bonus... and hey my worst fears may not eventuate, right?
L Katy :-*
Katy,
It is a tough and difficult question, as I have never been at your position (I have never on HRT, although I once tried to get prescription). As your kids are grown up and you already fulfilled successfully all of your duties as husband and father, you may be allowed to enjoy your own life. I guess nobody dares to object to your decision and choice. I hope that all of your family members will understand and accept your decision.
Since I started crossdressing in 2003, I have been very straightforward about my desire to my family and friends. My two sons will go to college soon, but I still have a little daughter who I love the most in the world. I still do not have any plan of HRT in the near future.
barbie~~