Ok so I'm frustrated with dating right now. Let's see there is a girl I liked on okcupid, and we were talking for about a week. Just 1-2 messages a day as I think our schedules were different. she stayed up late. I wake up early. And so far it was going great and she seemed really cool and funny. We had similar political views. Liked the same music. played the same instrument. Also we understood each other's humor. And she said that she thought I was cute. So I decided that I was gonna see if she wanted to go on a date. So I asked her out to a local restaurant for this Saturday, and I get not response. This was Sunday. Today I log in and to check my messages and I see that she deleted her account or blocked me. Idk which.???
If it was a one time thing then I would shrug it off , but it seems like it's a trend. At least in my experience it's like if I try to go on a date, the person I'm trying to date either doesn't respond despite the fact that they responded to anything else, doesn't show up for the date, or cancels the date earlier that day. It is super frustrating, and it makes me question what went wrong? It's to the point where I feel like their is a huge sign on my head that says "don't date her" Like it really hurts my self-esteem because I have had so many failed attempts and my longest relationship was 3 months and I am so lonely now. I don't even want to try dating anymore. :'(
It's a problem with OKCupid. It's a free site so you get a lot of people that join it on a lark and are happy to potz around with the idea of going out on a date but when it comes time to show their face in person, well not so much.
I've been really persistent with it and put up with the abysmal success rate. I've ended up with about a dozen dates in the past year and a half, so it is possible. But persistence is the watchword if you're going to get anywhere with it.
Do you post that you're trans? Oddly, I found I got way fewer responses when I did, but the responses were higher quality.
You're young and you're cute. You will find someone. Keep at it.
I've only had one date on okcupid, and it was the worst date ever.
I don't get that many hits, because I don't let straight people view my profile because I not out at work. plus, Lansing isn't a huge town to begin with. I'm pretty much stuck with dating in Lansing and east Lansing due to the fact that I don't own a car.
every time people flake, and it's really starting to hurt my confidence.
i tried online dating, didnt exactly work out for me. actually all relationships seems to fall on me. i lack the responsible "male" role and the roles switch. i think thats why they always end after awhile. go figure. would love to start dating again since now i actually have a job.
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 08:33:04 PM
i tried online dating, didnt exactly work out for me. actually all relationships seems to fall on me. i lack the responsible "male" role and the roles switch. i think thats why they always end after awhile. go figure. would love to start dating again since now i actually have a job.
I feel u hun .
after my last 4 relationships, i seriously doubt i'd ever work up enough nerve to date again. oh why how thou forsaken me. :'( well i guess we all have dating issues, just some got it worse than others. lets all sit on the couch, eat ice cream and watch reruns of this old house
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 09:01:23 PM
after my last 4 relationships, i seriously doubt i'd ever work up enough nerve to date again. oh why how thou forsaken me. :'( well i guess we all have dating issues, just some got it worse than others. lets all sit on the couch, eat ice cream and watch reruns of this old house
It's not a rerun if you've never watched it to begin with. ;) usually when both ice cream and couches are involved I'm in :P
that's what happens to me on OKcupid I have conversations then they abruptly disappear , I put down I'm trans.
What is worse is when you *do* go out on a date, and the person is the exact opposite of who you thought they were :~s
I might just have to try meeting people the old-fashioned way ... in person! :~o
Quote from: SarahBoo on April 29, 2015, 09:23:12 PM
What is worse is when you *do* go out on a date, and the person is the exact opposite of who you thought they were :~s
I might just have to try meeting people the old-fashioned way ... in person! :~o
haha, i have that same problem thus why i'm very skeptical of people online. oh the joys of being so young and sometimes dumb. lessons are always learned that way
Quote from: SarahBoo on April 29, 2015, 09:23:12 PM
What is worse is when you *do* go out on a date, and the person is the exact opposite of who you thought they were :~s
I might just have to try meeting people the old-fashioned way ... in person! :~o
Well yes and no to the first part. Yes it makes for a bad date when that happens, but at least you can walk away with knowledge why it's not gonna work. When u get ditched out of nowhere there are just too many uncertainties for me to feel comfortable tbh. And it makes me feel worse longer.
Also I agree with the last part. But I don't think I'm gonna try dating for awhile, maybe I'll just hook up with some people instead. Though in the past I've had even less success with that.
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 09:01:23 PM
after my last 4 relationships, i seriously doubt i'd ever work up enough nerve to date again. oh why how thou forsaken me. :'( well i guess we all have dating issues, just some got it worse than others. lets all sit on the couch, eat ice cream and watch reruns of this old house
It's supposed to be cheesecake with Golden Girls, I thought... XD. Is this a girl's only thing? Can I get a special pass if I bring the first season of the L Word and chocolate???
But seriously, Amber, you aren't alone with this. Dating is hard. :( But don't give up!
Quote from: Ian68 on April 29, 2015, 09:36:06 PM
It's supposed to be cheesecake with Golden Girls, I thought... XD. Is this a girl's only thing? Can I get a special pass if I bring the first season of the L Word and chocolate???
But seriously, Amber, you aren't alone with this. Dating is hard. :( But don't give up!
sry, no boys allowed xD haha!
Quote from: Ian68 on April 29, 2015, 09:36:06 PM
It's supposed to be cheesecake with Golden Girls, I thought... XD. Is this a girl's only thing? Can I get a special pass if I bring the first season of the L Word and chocolate???
But seriously, Amber, you aren't alone with this. Dating is hard. :( But don't give up!
Omg the L word with chocolate. You get a pass. If u were in my area U'd probably get a date to. As long as the date involved the l word and chocolate. ;-) :-P
*rolls eyes* fine, but you better make it dark chocolate or imma draw on your face with lipstick while you sleep. we should so have a sleep over. i'll bring the mani-pedi kits! :laugh:
That's my kind of date! XD (be forewarned that if Bette Porter and Professor X from X-Men had a brainchild, I would be that child basically). Bahahaha!
i might actually get on this date to. haha! be prepared for double trouble if you can handle it ian :laugh:
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 09:47:59 PM
*rolls eyes* fine, but you better make it dark chocolate or imma draw on your face with lipstick while you sleep. we should so have a sleep over. i'll bring the mani-pedi kits! :laugh:
^^^^^ yes!!!!! All of this!!!
Yea then we could draw a penis on his face. I have the perfect stencil....
I really can't believe I'm posting that^^^ :embarrassed:
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 09:54:03 PM
i might actually get on this date to. haha! be prepared for double trouble if you can handle it ian :laugh:
Oh and it would be trouble >:-)
Quote from: amber roskamp on April 29, 2015, 09:56:33 PM
^^^^^ yes!!!!!
Yea then we could draw a penis on his face I have the perfect stencil...
I really can't believe I'm posting that^^^
Use Shiseido so that I don't break out. ;)
@Echo: I grew up as the only boy in a family full of women. Bring it. XD
Quote from: Ian68 on April 29, 2015, 10:00:25 PM
Use Shiseido so that I don't break out. ;)
@Echo: I grew up as the only boy in a family full of women. Bring it. XD
tehehe, oh, i like your spunk. we have a mister bad boy on our hands ;)
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 10:02:09 PM
tehehe, oh, i like your spunk. we have a mister bad boy on our hands ;)
Hah and at first he sounded so sweet with all that talk about the l word and chocolate. Oh well I guess we'll have to see how much he can really handle >:-)
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 10:02:09 PM
tehehe, oh, i like your spunk. we have a mister bad boy on our hands ;)
A choir boy is more like it. XD I'm that guy who gives his girl friends dating and fashion advice, and brings them chocolate when it's needed. This is probably part of my dating issues. Actually, @Amber, that's something to consider is whether or not you're getting "friendzoned," and then people don't know what to do from there. I don't know if that's been much of an issue for me but I've certainly thought about it with online dating especially.
Quote from: amber roskamp on April 29, 2015, 10:08:27 PM
Hah and at first he sounded so sweet with all that talk about the l word and chocolate. Oh well I guess we'll have to see how much he can really handle >:-)
If that's a challenge, you two might be the ones in trouble... ;)
someone get me a fan cuz i'm burning up here. oh your so bad mister bad person
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 10:15:32 PM
someone get me a fan cuz i'm burning up here. oh your so bad mister bad person
*hands echo a fan and some iced tea*
::) back to Amber's thread... :)
Quote from: Ian68 on April 29, 2015, 10:09:42 PM
A choir boy is more like it. XD I'm that guy who gives his girl friends dating and fashion advice, and brings them chocolate when it's needed. This is probably part of my dating issues. Actually, @Amber, that's something to consider is whether or not you're getting "friendzoned," and then people don't know what to do from there. I don't know if that's been much of an issue for me but I've certainly thought about it with online dating especially.
yes that is definitely a thing....
I actually appreciated the side conversation we had going on. it helped pick up my mood :-D. Thanks
most fun i had in awhile but seriously, you have to take responsibility now ian!
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 29, 2015, 10:30:24 PM
most fun i had in awhile but seriously, you have to take responsibility now ian!
I guess he didn't have that much spunk in him after all......
hmm, i wouldnt doubt his abilities just of yet. could become a force to be reckoned with.
Quote from: amber roskamp on April 29, 2015, 10:33:25 PM
I guess he didn't have that much spunk in him after all......
I got distracted by work. My apologies for abandoning you! *dramatic bowing*
Now, how should I decide who to share my chocolate with...? It has espresso... ;)
Seriously, OKC just makes me roll my eyes recently :D. I get hits regularly and there are two types of messages - either one liners (or a couple of words) from black guys living in Africa (I wonder if they are just looking for someone who might help them to move into EU....) or those "kinda quality" messages. Last exchange was with a guy from the US (I am usually very sceptical about guys living on the other side of the world), but has been here and plans to return, but... he kept telling me stories how great OKC is and that one of his co-workers found his wife on the other side of the world and now they are happily married and that everything can happen. I kept responding that online dating can be fun but I usually do not have hopes or expectations. And then he just stopped responding and I never knew why :D - maybe because it did not look like I was falling for his "sweet" promises? :D
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on April 30, 2015, 04:09:17 AM
Seriously, OKC just makes me roll my eyes recently :D. I get hits regularly and there are two types of messages - either one liners (or a couple of words) from black guys living in Africa (I wonder if they are just looking for someone who might help them to move into EU....) or those "kinda quality" messages. Last exchange was with a guy from the US (I am usually very sceptical about guys living on the other side of the world), but has been here and plans to return, but... he kept telling me stories how great OKC is and that one of his co-workers found his wife on the other side of the world and now they are happily married and that everything can happen. I kept responding that online dating can be fun but I usually do not have hopes or expectations. And then he just stopped responding and I never knew why :D - maybe because it did not look like I was falling for his "sweet" promises? :D
yea I wouldn't trust him either he sounds like a catfish or a con artists.
My problem with OKC was when I joined I already knew 8 out of the first 10 matches it gave me; not very helpful in meeting someone new. Once I did start getting messages from people I did;t already know most of them flaked on me too.
I think it's much easier to be flaky to strangers. I mean there is no likely negative outcome. It's why so many people are mean on the internet. Ur probably not gonna see them again.
Quote from: amber roskamp on April 29, 2015, 10:22:47 PM
yes that is definitely a thing....
So, the "friend-zoning" issue is a complicated one to break down. It can happen because of the other person's expectations, your interactions, or often a combination of both. Like I said, I don't know how much or how often this has influenced my current singleness, but I suspect that it has had at least some affect. In my case, because I grew up surrounded by women, and because I'm a very vocal feminist, I tend not to sexualize women I know until they have indicated an interest in me. My mind is just conditioned not to go there. It doesn't mean that I don't flirt (clearly, I will...) or that I don't experience aesthetic or intellectual attraction (I do), but there's a difference between flirtation and attraction and sexualization. For someone like me who is hardwired to connect with as a person first and pursue secondarily, it generates a lag-time that appears to facilitate the "friend-zoning." In your case, Amber, this could also be an artifact of you being a woman; I've heard from a number of lesbian/bi/pan women that they often get stuck in the "girlfriends" zone when they're wanting a romantic relationship just because of the process of getting to know someone resulting in feelings of mutual identification, etc.
I'm sure that you'll find someone, though so, don't give up, and don't go the "hook-up" route if it's not what you're wanting. You deserve to have the kind of relationship it seems that you're looking for so, don't settle for less. :)
Stay positive! ;)
Quote from: Ian68 on April 30, 2015, 02:03:26 PM
So, the "friend-zoning" issue is a complicated one to break down. It can happen because of the other person's expectations, your interactions, or often a combination of both. Like I said, I don't know how much or how often this has influenced my current singleness, but I suspect that it has had at least some affect. In my case, because I grew up surrounded by women, and because I'm a very vocal feminist, I tend not to sexualize women I know until they have indicated an interest in me. My mind is just conditioned not to go there. It doesn't mean that I don't flirt (clearly, I will...) or that I don't experience aesthetic or intellectual attraction (I do), but there's a difference between flirtation and attraction and sexualization. For someone like me who is hardwired to connect with as a person first and pursue secondarily, it generates a lag-time that appears to facilitate the "friend-zoning." In your case, Amber, this could also be an artifact of you being a woman; I've heard from a number of lesbian/bi/pan women that they often get stuck in the "girlfriends" zone when they're wanting a romantic relationship just because of the process of getting to know someone resulting in feelings of mutual identification, etc.
I'm sure that you'll find someone, though so, don't give up, and don't go the "hook-up" route if it's not what you're wanting. You deserve to have the kind of relationship it seems that you're looking for so, don't settle for less. :)
Stay positive! ;)
Thanks and yes i am absolutely someone that needs to build a personal connection before I really want to date someone. and im also really shy in most cases so its hard for me to find someone unless its someone i am forced to interact with. And then i usually get friend-zoned. i was actually much less shy on online dating but im failing there as well.
Quote from: amber roskamp on April 30, 2015, 03:43:29 PM
Thanks and yes i am absolutely someone that needs to build a personal connection before I really want to date someone. and im also really shy in most cases so its hard for me to find someone unless its someone i am forced to interact with. And then i usually get friend-zoned. i was actually much less shy on online dating but im failing there as well.
I avoid friend-zoning during this period of connection building by letting her know in no uncertain terms that I am interested in her "that way". I'm careful to refer to our social occasions as "dates" and to tell her how special I think she is (assuming I do think she is special).
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 30, 2015, 07:42:27 PM
I avoid friend-zoning during this period of connection building by letting her know in no uncertain terms that I am interested in her "that way". I'm careful to refer to our social occasions as "dates" and to tell her how special I think she is (assuming I do think she is special).
I guess communicating that would help, but I always feel awkward being the first person to say something like I'm interested in being more then just a friend. I guess I would rather have my partners express it first.
But yes I think that communication is an area I could improve on.
in all honestly, after everything is said and done, it's literally going to be impossible to date someone. i say this because, its like i'm unapproachable. its not a matter of friend zoning, its a matter of i don't want to be the only one who is holding the relationship together. i havent dated in over 3 years and it might continue indefinitely. i might just end up living alone in a house full of cats, rabbits and ferrets
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 30, 2015, 09:23:51 PM
in all honestly, after everything is said and done, it's literally going to be impossible to date someone. i say this because, its like i'm unapproachable. its not a matter of friend zoning, its a matter of i don't want to be the only one who is holding the relationship together. i havent dated in over 3 years and it might continue indefinitely. i might just end up living alone in a house full of cats, rabbits and ferrets
how about hedgehogs
haha, hedgehogs! idk about those little buggers xD
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 30, 2015, 09:23:51 PM
in all honestly, after everything is said and done, it's literally going to be impossible to date someone. i say this because, its like i'm unapproachable. its not a matter of friend zoning, its a matter of i don't want to be the only one who is holding the relationship together. i havent dated in over 3 years and it might continue indefinitely. i might just end up living alone in a house full of cats, rabbits and ferrets
i haven't been in a relationship in 2-3 cant remember for sure. lets just say my hair was short last time i dated someone.... Why do you think u are inapproachable. you seem cool to me.
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on April 30, 2015, 09:47:29 PM
haha, hedgehogs! idk about those little buggers xD
hedgehogs are adorable, and they would add some variety to ur choice of animals.
idk, i just feel unapproachable. usually, i end up dating someone online but as far as irl, not gonna happen. i can always claim that relationships are just to much trouble for me. maybe its because i'm not actively searching, but everyone seems to avoid me as much as possible. oh and i trouble always seems to follow me which sucks even worse.
*playing the stereotypical German psychologist*
It seems to me that you have a fear of intimacy, and this is why you put up a wall between yourself and others in real life. Do you think that could be the case?
Quote from: Ian68 on May 01, 2015, 08:27:06 AM
*playing the stereotypical German psychologist*
It seems to me that you have a fear of intimacy, and this is why you put up a wall between yourself and others in real life. Do you think that could be the case?
...........*becomes speechless*.........
A fear of intimacy is common in the general population, and perhaps even more pronounced among transgender people. I don't only mean physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy as well. Many things may contribute, including the initial fear of telling someone and risking rejection or "outing," the fear of losing appeal due to trans-specific medical and social issues that we might encounter and discuss, the later "imposter syndrome-esque" fear of getting close enough to someone for them to possibly "reveal" aspects of our personalities that are less feminine or masculine than the general image we portray, and thus being seen as "fake." Physical intimacy obviously opens up all sorts of risks for anyone, but for transgender people, there's are the added fears of "disappointing" someone, experiencing dysphoria at a point that causes a mood to be lost, being fetishized, or worst of all, feeling humiliated by the actions of our partners and/ or our own sexual preferences, or even that we have sexualities at all (particularly a problem for those with bottom dysphoria).
These are all real and legitimate fears that affect many of us differently and to differing degrees. However, they must ultimately be recognized and dealt with in order to have successful relationships IRL.
Just a few more thoughts...
plus, i dont like normal people. the more quirks the person has, the more attracted to them i become. i may as well go live in a colony somewhere in tribeca because i doubt i find someone her in the US
Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 01, 2015, 01:03:18 PM
plus, i dont like normal people. the more quirks the person has, the more attracted to them i become. i may as well go live in a colony somewhere in tribeca because i doubt i find someone her in the US
lol there are like 700 million people here and none of them are quirky enough for you :o. you must have really high standards for what you define as quirky.
haha, no not really, just everyone i run into aren't original or act themselves which is really annoying. they always tend to steal someone else's traits or try to act cool.