I asked at Gender Odyssey today how people deal with "The Stare". You know what I'm talking about. Do you just ignore it? That is what I've been trying to do but it really gets old. Some of the responses were pretty cool.
So I was wondering, what do YOU do when you get "The Stare"?
If you act scared, you get it worse.
I've found the best defense is a good offense. I've found that talking to people.... any people... makes you look like you fit in. If you are alone, there must be some reason in addition to any visual clues. And guess what, you get to meet many wonderful souls along the way. Feel uncomfortable? Strike up a conversation with somebody near you!
Cindi
people stare for lots of reasons... I get stared at a lot too.. I'm heavy.. I have a large chest... maybe I have food hanging out of my teeth.. I dunno LOL
Usually I nod, or smile .. and they usually look away...
I get stared at a lot. I don't come across as male or female and it makes people watch me to get an idea of what I am.
My answer, when I catch people staring, and smiling or attempting to stare them down to point out that they are staring doesn't work?
"Take a picture. It lasts longer."
Cliché? Yes. But 9/10, they look away and I can move on. Heck, most of the time, staring back makes them look away.
I'm just like you Tay, I get stared at alot too! :) People are always trying to suss me out and it can be quite annoying and distracting. I'm afraid I'm too scared to stare back, I just look away and get on with whatever I'm doing, if they continue to stare, then I might look in their direction and they will look away. ;D
I've always had the 'stare' and its not really been recent. I think some people tend to get it regardless as well as the 'im trying to figure you out' stare....
Quote from: Judge Yourself on September 04, 2007, 05:37:58 AM
I think some people tend to get it regardless as well as the 'im trying to figure you out' stare....
I agree, I have had the stare a few times. But to be honest it doesn't really bother me in the slightest!
I'm a bit wicked, I suppose, but I actually sometimes enjoy watching people's discomfiture as they try to figure me out. I think the best thing to do with someone who's staring at you is to look directly back at them and give them a big friendly smile. Usually, that quite disarms them, and they will either look away quickly and pretend they weren't staring at you, or smile back. Either way, problem solved.
I've gotten the stare more than a few times, it goes with the territory. Sometimes I smile back, then they usually look away. Depending on my mood, I might curtsy >:D
Zythyra
Quote from: Tay on September 04, 2007, 01:59:45 AM
Heck, most of the time, staring back makes them look away.
LOL, well my wife and I were picking up fast food in a drive-through, and a worker was taking his break outside... and just STARED at us while on his cell phone. I'd look back every few seconds, and he'd STILL be staring, so I figured hey... I'll stare him down.
All that did was make him lock on to me specifically, and he would not look away.
After I told a TS friend about it, she laughed at me and basically said,
"You IDIOT, he wasn't staring because he couldn't figure you out, he was staring at the two girls in the car... and all you ended up doing by staring back was flirt with him, lol..."I have SO much to learn ;)
I get curious looks now and then, though I got those before transitioning too, lol... so who knows? I usually just glance back at them and they look away. But people do just tend to look around when lost in thought, so I think I read more into it usually than is really there.
~Kate~
When I attempted to live as male, I was pretty intimidating so I was used to being stared at from time to time. However, that has actually gone away with transition. I found out that when I get stared at now it is not necessarily because I have been clocked but because of how tall I am and my hair. :)
Quote from: Tay on September 04, 2007, 01:59:45 AM
My answer, when I catch people staring
"Take a picture. It lasts longer."
Watch out, they may point a cell phone at you and do just that ::)
Bev
Posted on: September 04, 2007, 11:28:00 AM
I can only remember once or twice that I was stared at a while ago ago. After a long enough time, I gave them 'the what do you want?' questioning look, and that turned them away immediately.
Otherwise, Marcy and I together get stared at frequently. We show affection openly, and don't worry about what people think.
Bev
Quote from: Miss Beverly on September 04, 2007, 11:34:30 AM
Quote from: Tay on September 04, 2007, 01:59:45 AM
My answer, when I catch people staring
"Take a picture. It lasts longer."
Watch out, they may point a cell phone at you and do just that ::)
It happens. Well, so far it hasn't. But if it does, chances are good they'll get a decent photo of me giving them the one finger salute.
I'll admit it. I'm confrontational.
Nobody has ever stared at me. I just assume that once their eyes even barely skim over me that my hideous countenance causes a searing pain which prevents further lingering of the eyes.
Ha Ha, Kate's a flirt!! I think that story was great!
Quote from: Tay on September 04, 2007, 01:59:45 AM
"Take a picture. It lasts longer."
How about pulling out a camara and taking their picture?
The stare? I don't think I've ever gotten it. I think you have to be like....worth looking at to get the stare. And I'm pretty unremarkable.
Quote from: Rebis on September 04, 2007, 04:13:44 PM
Ha Ha, Kate's a flirt!!
Oh my, you have NO idea. If I ever get comfortable with this... and truly believe people are looking at a girl, and not
"the guy in the dress..."I am going to be downright *evil*. I was BORN to tease ;)
And I have a LOT of catching up to do, lol...
~Kate~
For the most part, I've only had guys stare at me. Every so often a woman will, but it's not like I really care. If I wasn't confident in myself, I might feel uneasy, but that doesn't happen.
KK, by the stare you meen the "Look" right?
I havnt gotten the look in a very long time... back when it happened Id either stare back, or smile and wave and make like I was going to go talk to them, huge smile on my face... They would normaly make a hasty retreat...
Now I get stared at... Im tall, blonde, and good looking... Sometimes Ill walk into an establishment and cause all the guys and a few girls to get whiplash... <Boots, mini, and corsett> Or my favriote one... Guys talking to your chest... Due to my compairtive height I get smart comments back when I point out where my face is.. "Yeah... but it hurts my neck to look that high" or some other excuse....
Confidence is the key... people are looking for a reason to distrust or attack <both figuritively and realisticly speaking> Show them a confident attitude and they generaly back off....
I don't get stared at all that often, at least not that I notice. When it does happen I usually just ignore it, but if it's really making me uncomfortable, I will just publically embarrass them, usually by asking really loud if they know me. If they have a problem with me, the last thing they are going to want is to be associated with me. They almost always nod that they don't and look away. It cracks me up. Most people hate to get caught starring.
Love always,
Elizabeth
QuoteAfter I told a TS friend about it, she laughed at me and basically said, "You IDIOT, he wasn't staring because he couldn't figure you out, he was staring at the two girls in the car... and all you ended up doing by staring back was flirt with him, lol..."
Kate thats when you turn to your wife and start making out ;)
I remember I grabbed Jaycie's butt in the grocery store one day, and I didn't realize there was a guy behind us... he did like three double takes :lol:
Hmm... this year, when I stopped getting the stares in public, is how I knew I was finally passing. I knew I was getting a ->-bleeped-<- stare when they looked either puzzled or disgusted. I could also tell that apart from the "babe you're hot" stare which I got less frequently. How I knew it meant that is the guys would come and hit on me.
The other day, I went to lunch with a girlfriend from work, and while she was driving me back, an old man in the car alongside my passenger side kept staring at us and frowning, but his frown was kind of unreadable. More like an "I'm a cranky old man" frown, I guess. He just would not quit. My friend said her mom's advice when anyone stared is to start picking your nose. That'll learn 'em.
I haven't gotten the "hairy look" for many years. In a past life, when my body was still getting adjusted to the chemical effects of estrogen, I'd get such a look almost everyday. What did I do? I would stare back at them and smile; this would usually embarrass the person and stop them from looking.
tink :icon_chick:
Hi Tay, I said exactly that to many people when I was younger, take a picture may last longer, or just tell them to go take a long hike off a short peer.
So I became pretty proficient at making myself inconspicuous, heck I thought I was invisible for a time. Well now after I transitioned I had more attention then I had in years. I dont really know how to deal with it except to just let them stare. Well at least now I get stared at by older gentlemen which kind of makes me feel good. :laugh: For a 62 year old I believe that's pretty good achievement.
I went into see a physician here last week and she asked me how old I am, and after I told her, her jaw dropped and she said, "Goodness!" You look twenty years younger then your actual age.
Now I just love compliments like that. :angel:
Cindy
Quote from: Alison on September 05, 2007, 12:25:57 AM
Kate thats when you turn to your wife and start making out ;)
I remember I grabbed Jaycie's butt in the grocery store one day, and I didn't realize there was a guy behind us... he did like three double takes :lol:
I think Kate's wife would die of embarrasment if that happened.
I was observing humanity this morning as I stood at the light rail station waiting for the bus. As people in cars got dropped off to get on the train, I noticed that there was only one person who leaned over and kissed the driver goodbye. They were two women, and she was the only one who walked to the train with a smile on her face.
Quote from: Lisbeth on September 05, 2007, 08:50:22 AM
I was observing humanity this morning as I stood at the light rail station waiting for the bus. As people in cars got dropped off to get on the train, I noticed that there was only one person who leaned over and kissed the driver goodbye. They were two women, and she was the only one who walked to the train with a smile on her face.
Rashelle and I have kissed in public when we knew there was somebody watching. It's pretty fun to do. Especially if it's a guy. >:D
Quote
I was observing humanity this morning as I stood at the light rail station waiting for the bus. As people in cars got dropped off to get on the train, I noticed that there was only one person who leaned over and kissed the driver goodbye. They were two women, and she was the only one who walked to the train with a smile on her face.
I just woke up and I misread this as meaning she kissed the driver -of the train- goodbye and I was like woah! Friendly! LOL :icon_lips:
Quote from: Alison on September 05, 2007, 02:48:15 PM
I just woke up and I misread this as meaning she kissed the driver -of the train- goodbye and I was like woah! Friendly! LOL :icon_lips:
Oh, ok. That's how I read it too. :P Thanks for pointing that out.
Yesh I have gotten the stare a couple times. II'm 27 years old but most of the girls that have checked me out the past few years or stare at me are HiGh School girls because i look young for my age. I also seen a couple guys stare at me I think so I just look away when guys stare at me.
Last week I was stopped at a light and a guy came walking across the intersection. When he got almost to the driver's side he paused, lifted up his shades a little, and looked right at me. Now I almost freaked because I'm pretty small and he was about 200 lbs, all muscle, total gangsta looking guy. I was sure I had been made, but I thought I was looking pretty good that day, well for me anyway. I quickly made sure the doors were locked. Then he did the oddest thing: He grinned showing a ton of gold and did a slow nod up and down. I think it was a nod of approval, but I have no way of knowing. OMG, I had nowhere to go. Then the light changed. I just tilted my head a little towards him, smiled right back at him and took off. I have no idea if I handled it well or not. Sheesh, I'm suck a dork at this.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Kristi's story up above reminds of 3 girls in a Toyota Corolla one night they beep at me as they pass me. I just waved I think. The Corolla than passed me a few miles down the road got into my lane ahead of me and put their hazard lights but were moving.
Quote from: Kristi on September 05, 2007, 11:42:59 PM
Last week I was stopped at a light and a guy came walking across the intersection. When he got almost to the driver's side he paused, lifted up his shades a little, and looked right at me. Now I almost freaked because I'm pretty small and he was about 200 lbs, all muscle, total gangsta looking guy. I was sure I had been made, but I thought I was looking pretty good that day, well for me anyway. I quickly made sure the doors were locked. Then he did the oddest thing: He grinned showing a ton of gold and did a slow nod up and down. I think it was a nod of approval, but I have no way of knowing. OMG, I had nowhere to go. Then the light changed. I just tilted my head a little towards him, smiled right back at him and took off. I have no idea if I handled it well or not. Sheesh, I'm suck a dork at this.
It sounds like he may have been checking you out Kristi.
Kristi, I think he liked you. :)
And chillin's story, which was brought about Kristi's story, reminded me of one of my own. One day as I was returning from a support meeting (so this happened quite some time ago) I had a State Trooper speed up and then jump one lane over. I thought I was going to get pulled at first. No idea what for but they never really need much of an excuse. Anyway, he guns it around one guy and speeds up to where he is just past the front of my car and in the lane on my driver's side. Then he turns, looks at me, smiles, and motions for me to pull over. Um, no thank you. I no longer have anything to do with cops. I slowed down and let him keep going. I did beep and wave when he turned off though. ;)
Expectations can be more hazardous and stress inducing than the reality that occurs.
Ten years ago, I was standing in a lobby of a restaurant when a woman began staring at me. Because I was new in transitioning, I got upset and immediately left the restaurant. My girlfriend soon followed and told me all the possible reasons it could have happened. None of them had anything to do with being TS.
A therapist later offered the suggestion that I needed to "be in control," like a soldier in the Army. When bullets fly, you ignore them. And move on.
These two principles helped me through the transition period.
Teri Anne