I am terrified out of my mind that im going to lose my girlhood because that's the best thing that's happened to me. If i lost it i would be devastated. I would cry all night if i lost it ;( i need some help please. I'm afraid its a phase.
Lost it she's not a object lol
I am not sure i understand lolol
Lost as in its a phase. lol
KellBelle,
Not positive but I imagine that Yenneffer is saying that your girlhood is not an object to be lost.
Sounds like you are in a pretty rough spot. So sorry you are having these thoughts and/or feelings. Are you saying that you are worried your girlhood is a phase? As in, you will just outgrow it? If it is the best thing you have going, I doubt that is a phase.
If you are worried that it is a phase because you are doubting yourself, that is so totally normal. People of all ages go through days where they doubt themselves. There are posts on this site where people are worried that they feel like a fraud, fake or faux. I go through many of these times. It is tough but try to stay strong in your convictions. It might be time to try to distract yourself with some work or something fun. Then come back to these thoughts when you are in a better spot?
I am not a trained professional. All my ideas are just that, ideas. They might help, but it depends on the person and what you are experiencing. I hope your day gets easier.
I wish you a better day tomorrow.
With loving thoughts,
Joanna
I see whats going on im going through a phase where im doubting myself. Still causes depression though.
Look... you cannot lose it.
You could do a few things to come in contact... some nurturing activities like cooking, or gardening... or being creative...
If you are depressed you might see a counselor... maybe a school counselor you trust... someone to talk to...
and there are helplines...
here for example:
glbthotline.org/hotline.html
they also have a chat
translifeline.org
have a big *hug* and a kiss (on the cheeks)
KellBelle,
I think they are right. It is not something that can be lost. Depression an bad days are something that can't be lost either. Sometimes bad times hit us. I think what is important is how we handle those bad times. Like I suggested, something to distract you. If you add in what Laura posted, it could be an activity that embraces your girlhood as well.
It took me a while to realize that sometimes bad days happen and it is not related to gender at all(sounds dumb when I read what I just wrote but I am so new in this journey too that I tend to see everything from the perspective of gender identity).
I hope your day and week continues to improve.
With warm thoughts,
Joanna
More anxiety caused by dysphoria... im afraid that im not a girl ;( this saddens me beyond compare. I really hate being even considered a guy.
KellBelle,
There is no one so far that can look at you, or ask questions and based on those results say you are not a girl. They can guess, suspect, allude and conclude. However, this is something that it is really for the person experiencing it to realize. There can be roadblocks from psychological, medical, familial or societal members. However, if this is what you are, they can't see inside your mind. At this point, it may be easier to say "I'm not a girl". Sooner or later, it will come back if you are transsexual.
If you are not. Try to not go in that direction. You have already suggested that this will depress you. I don't know that it is dysphoria that makes you think you are not a girl or even makes you sad when you think that. It is conflicting thoughts and feelings at battle with each other(that may be dysyphoric). That is where the therapist I suggested in another post helps. Not to tell you what to do but to help you find a way to your own truth through these conflicting things going on within.
Not sure I can help you with much more. I can suggest you look for the good in whatever you can (people and situations). I can suggest you see a therapist and work through this. I can suggest you try to distract yourself when you get in one of these moods. But I can't and shouldn't force you to do any of these things. Goodness knows, I am in a very dark place myself right now. Perhaps it is because it is not about me that I can look at your cries for help in a more objective way than I can look at myself.
Look at doing something. Reading, riding a bike, watching a video. Bide your time till this mood passes or you come to grips with it. I hope your day and week gets better now.
With warm thoughts,
Joanna
Quote from: KellBelle14 on June 17, 2015, 08:59:06 PM
More anxiety caused by dysphoria... im afraid that im not a girl ;( this saddens me beyond compare. I really hate being even considered a guy.
If you are that afraid of not being a girl, that would be a really strong indication that you really are a girl.
I've already tried fighting against it... doesn't work it doesn't seem to want to leave my mind. EVER. But maybe thats my ocd (really would depress me if that was causing me to be a girl because i just want to be one without ocd causing it). Im so afraid that im not really trans (because that would mean im not a girl). Im scared that if i shove it away it won't come back at all because i don't want to believe im a guy at all.
As said... you can't lose it...
and cis people usually don't question their gender, apart from a little curiousity (how would it be ? )
So this alone could be a sign in itself.
Just try to relax.. and be yourself... and try to enjoy yourself...
and you could look for counseling...
Have a big *hug* and a kiss (on the cheek)
I have a therapist appt on monday.
Im terrified that i won't turn out to be trans.
But i love seeing the F on my profile!
The M doesn't explain me one bit.
As said, alone questioning could be a sign in itself.
Just try to relax and be yourself.
You will be fine :)
hugs
Im just super duper worried that im not a girl like so worried.
Well you could think of a few things you would like to tell them...
so you'd be prepared a bit...
just for a few minutes, like homework...
there is no need to worry...
especially since you like the F on your profile :)
simply tell them how you feel and what you want when you are there...
they are there to help...
and do a few things you like meanwhile...
big hugs
More problems with doubting when will that end.
Just try to relax... take a few deep breaths...
envision a positive outcome...
you leaving from your appointment, glad it all went well... :)
hugs
Its hardddddddddddddddddd
Don't concentrate on your doubts... just trust it will be all right...
concentrate on what you want....
just do what you feel is your part...
and then try to relax and do something else...
maybe something creative, like writing...
hugs
Im so scared that im going through a phase though like i didn't think about it for a while it hasn't gone away but i worry. I want to stay a girl so bad.
What you're feeling right now is completely normal and understandable.
There are a few things that are new and you don't know exactly what it will be like.
Just trust it will be ok.
You have done your part, the next step is the appointment.
Do it simply step by step.
Trust it will all turn out all right.
Enjoy your time until Monday, just relax,
There is no need to worry, you might as well have some fun :) .
hugs
It's hard to trust it will turn out all right. If it's a phase i would be devastated. I would have no purpose to live for. I would be depressed all the time. It would be the worst thing ever! I don't know i could be trans to i never acted feminine not one bit but i always loved to stand in a feminine pose and do other girly things. Before i thought i was trans i painted my nails pink, cried over earrings and ear piercings.
Just say what you feel and want...
if you have this feelings for longer its hardly a phase...
just do your part, and concentrate on the good stuff... what you want...
and try to relax in the meantime :)
have a *hug*
I've had this for 2 months now.
Well you also said you like earrings and nail paint...
and there might be some earlier memories...
try to relax...
as said, tell what you feel... and what you want...
just relax until next week... enjoy your time...
hugs
What i mean is i have been knowing im trans for 2 months. Is it going away?
KellBelle,
Not likely. It may cycle a little more intense then less so but I doubt it will go away.
With warmth,
Joanna
Its not.
If you like cats for example its not going away.
Just try to relax.
*hugs*
Im terrified that my trans is going to go away
Im having a hard time im crying on the inside.
I feel like how could i be trans so therefore im not. Like there are billions of people in the world how would i get to be female there is no way.
Don't overthink what others might think... just keep to what you feel and like.
Being tg is said to be one in four hundred people so its not that uncommon.
Its like your skin... its not going away...
it might change a bit, and that is ok...
its possible to have some other interests from time to time...
just try to relax...
just tell people then what it means to you ...
have a bit of trust and all will be fine :)
hugs
Gotta be glad im uncomfortable and sad i have no idea what is going on i need some advice or help.
The fact you feel the way you do indicates you are one of us and you are very unsure about the future. You are hurting now because you see a way to eliminate the pain you have felt in the past and fear somebody will snatch it away from you. If you express what you feel to your doctor, they should see it as well. If the depression gets to bad, call a suicide prevention line or go to a hospital and ask for help. If you can, find something to distract you. Something you enjoy doing. It can be something that gets you out of the house or around other people. You need to relax and take your mind off this because worrying isn't going to help anything. I know it's hard to think about anything else but you have to calm down because it will work out for the better. You just have to find a way to hang in there until this moment of panic passes and you can see the doctor to talk about it.
Sooooooo. ive been a girl my whole life even when i didn't know it. COOL
I think so. We carry traces of this through our life. I didn't know it until I hit puberty but from bits and pieces of my life I can see it existed very early. I suspect if you look at your life you sometimes did little things that weren't male like. We suppress our female side in order to have society and family accept us. This makes everybody other than us happy. The problem with suppressing ourself is that some day the pressure builds to the point were it blows. In my case it nearly drove me to suicide. Many avoid that but end up extremely unhappy.
It really not necessary to understand why you are the way you are. What you do need to understand is what will make you happy in life.
All I can do is hope that I'm female like hope that I'm a girl that's all I have .
Still a little odd/weird having female on the forums but I like it I think I hope with all my heart.
I didn't accept/know it till about 3 months ago. I am middle aged.
Joanna
Kelly something I should have done before making my first post on this thread was to reread you greeting message. I have done so and now recall reading it before. You have a history of female behavior and your story can't be written by somebody that isn't one of us. Treatment is important and when you are in therapy you need to tell everything to the therapist including tonight. You had me sitting on pins and needles thinking I had lost you when you went off line after my first post. I now understand I said the right thing and you where thinking it over. The therapist can help you avoid repeats of tonight if he/she understands how much you were hurting tonight.
You have to understand the road ahead of you isn't going to be easy and you have friends here who will try and help you. You are going to hurt at times but there will be a time in the future when the hurting will go away for the last time. You have been a transexual all your life but like many of us, didn't know it until your body started producing sex hormones. There is something about exposure to the sex hormones that affects our brain different than a normal CIS waking us up to the fact that our body is wrong. That is why you have felt uncomfortable for a short time even though you were born with this condition. It may take a few meeting with the therapist before they might put you on blockers but the better you can express your feeling to them, the sooner they will understand what you are.
Let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.
Im still so scared that im not a girl because i didn't know what gender to pick for my character in a game. Ultimately i chose female but still im scared.
There still might be some conflicting sides in you.
You might think of what you think others expect... just be yourself then...
parts of what you might have picked up...
I'd say listen to your feelings then, not what you feel comes from outside...
and take some time if you need it...
try to relax...
you will learn over time more and more to listen to your inner feelings...
and a game might not be the best of indicators because a more male character might be a bit better for some gaming action...
and you don't have to feel girly all the time...
you also might reread some of the comments Dena and others gave if you want, they might help... :)
have a big *hug*
Kelly It is alright to not be all girl. I am post surgical 33 years and I am 6'2" or 1.9 meters tall. This makes me much taller than most people. A couple of weeks ago I saw a man and a woman in an argument so I stopped walking The man was much bigger that the woman but still smaller than I was. If the man had force the woman to do something she didn't want to, I would have been in there ready to fight him. Yes it's not very feminine behavior but it didn't stop the doctors from giving me treatment or surgery. We are special people in that we have a bit of both worlds in us. It helps us to understand others better and in turn makes us better people. I think you will do fine when you meet the doctors as they will understand you are new to these feelings. You might also want to print off a copy of you introduction to this web site as well if you think you might have a hard time talking to the doctors about it. They may seem a little scary and first but hopefully you will come to like them. Because the doctors understand the problems of treatment, they are going to be extra careful with you so it may take a few visits for the doctors to understand how strongly you feel about this. Don't worry and were are here to talk with you. Just remember that i am about 8 hours earlier in the day than you are so I might be slow to respond to your post.
So im still a girl because when i accidentally read your post wrong i thought it said its alright not to be a girl i was devastated. lol
Yes you still are :)
I second Laura_7 in saying Yes you still are.
Wait you second guess her! ???
Well to second guess is a different meaning :)
to second means simply support...
it comes originally from making a statement, the second voice giving it enough meaning for it to be really important.
hugs
Like in I second the motion. A statement of approval.
You are going through the same thing I went through about 50 years ago but we didn't have personal computers or the internet.
Im sorry plz use baby terms. :P im dumb
Quote from: KellBelle14 on June 20, 2015, 03:31:03 PM
Im sorry plz use baby terms. :P im dumb
Not dumb, just inexperienced. You can and will learn. Adults sometimes have use language for so long they forget what it was once like and say things that are not understood. Sometimes they even do this with other adults.
I wan't to be a girl so bad my mind is fighting against that though. i dont like that. i have severe anxiety. i want to be a girl but im so scared that is fading slowly :( :( :(
What you feel is completely normal.
You don't know exactly what will happen and thus there is a certain amount of stress.
The stress makes it all seem a bit bigger. But there is no reason for it.
Just relax and trust all will be ok.
There is no reason to worry or doubt. All willl turn out all right.
You had this feelings for a long time, like wanting to paint your nails...being girly...
just relax, it is there and will remain. It will not be there all of the time, and that is completely ok.
You can do some non girly stuff from time to time.
It will always be there though.
Just have some trust.
The mind often comes up with doubt. Just know that alll will be ok...
now that you know what it is, and that it might be a bit weaker sometimes but that it will remain.
Try to relax and do something you like... take a few deep breaths... and try to have some fun and a nice weekend :)
hugs
Kelly you have to find something to keep your mind busy, play a game, play music, read a book, you have to stop thinking about this. Try thinking about happy thoughts like what it will be like when you become a girl. If that doesn't work, lay down, close your eyes and try to clear your mind and not think of anything. I do this sometimes when I need to relax. You fear everything is going to go away but look at what you have already done. You have told your parents and you have an appointment with the doctor on monday. You have done far more than many people on this web site. You should be proud of what you have already done. You are on the road to treatment and you are 10 years ahead of when I started.
I know what you are going through because I have had times when I couldn't sleep because of everything running through my head. I know that nights are the worst time but you need to try and get some sleep.
You don't have to worry about not wanting to be a girl. That feeling will be with you until you become one. Now instead of wanting to be one, I am happy as one. At times the feeling may not be as strong but it will return so don't worry about losing it.
Hey, Guess what i hate triggers especially pictures of girls with their boys or boys talking about their girls. :( it reminds me im not a girl and therefore i cannot act like one.
First, don't look at those pictures until you have more strength and can handle them. You are a girl in the inside and that's what counts. The body will come latter. Laura and I already see the girl inside you but it may take a while for the others to see what we see. You might want to take notes about this if you want to talk to your therapist. I have to work during the week and I have to go for lunch tomorrow to celebrate the family birthdays. We need to get you comfortable so you don't panic when we aren't around. That means you will have to figure out what your triggers are and try to avoid them for now. Life will get better soon but you have to hang in there until the doctors get to know you a little better.
Why can't i just be a girl everything is rifting. There is a giant fight internally and it sucks. My mind is telling me im male because my body is but i feel as if thats wrong.
We all have our tasks in life. Some of our problems hard harder that others. I think we have been given the most difficult task of all but it will make you stronger than everybody else. I wished my life could be different but now I wouldn't change anything because I can help others with what I learned.
Yeah im so scared that im not trans and my mind is making this up. I know i've been girlish in the past but im scared. I've only felt depressed since the horrible rush of thoughts came over my head when Testosterone started really working.
I was off typing a PM for somebody hurting as much as you. You don't have to be scared because there is nothing to fear. The depression I can't help you with much other than to try and distract you. Treatment will get rid of the depression so you shouldn't have to live with for to much longer. If this gets real bad, see if your father or mother can stay up with you and help you. Being alone makes it hurt worst than being with somebody else. Playing a game with somebody else or even talking can reduce the depression that you are feeling.
I am a bit concerned for you because I know you are posting in the middle of your night. How much sleep are you getting? Are you even sleeping at all. If you aren't sleeping, tell your parents because they might be able to take you to the hospital where you can get something that will help you sleep. The depression is harder to handle without sleep than with sleep. Having 8 hours of your day sleeping will reduce the number of hours you have to deal with it while you are awake.
I am going to be away from the computer for a little under an hour, I will leave in 5 minutes and be back about 35 or 40 minutes after.
Um i post during the day.
What made you think it was nighttime when i was posting?
Sometimes at night but mostly day.
My mistake, for some reason I thought you were located in the UK . The question still stands and that is how much sleep are you getting a night?
So you're sure you can see the girl in me :) if so how.
It's hard to explain but I have talked with a couple of hundred people who were in a program for reassignment surgery. I heard all their stories but there was a common theme running through them even though the words were different. Consider yourself for example.
You played with girl things before this feeling hit.
No normal boy wants to be a girl because they are happy the way they are. You want to be a girl.
What you have now has hit you in puberty That is common to many stories.
You never hand problems with depression/ anxiety before but it hit you in puberty.
You had a hard time telling your parents because you know you are supposed to be a boy but you feeling say girl.
You are overjoyed that your parents are taking to to get help and you want them to think of you as a girl.
And to top it off, how many people your age do you know who go looking for a web site like Susan's Place.
Transsexualism may be the only medical condition that is self diagnosed. This is something where the patient tells the doctor what is wrong.
Now you are a little confused about what is for boys and what is for girls. When I was growing up we had very strict rules as to what each gender could do and could not do. Now days many jobs can be done by either gender. A woman I know from work is a very nice person but she worked on a tunnel boring machine, worked on a road crew and knows how to operate construction equipment and she currently operates a business that repairs truck trailers. She did this because she separated from her husband but had kids to rase. Normally male jobs paid much more and she needed the money to take care of her kids.
On the other side the job of nurse or airline stewardess were once female jobs but are now done by both genders.
I am fading fast. It's near my bed time
Whats weird is i've had anxiety all my life but not depression. I was boyish all my life but there were spots it would show up for instance i wore a pony tail out on halloween because i couldnt get my ears pierced i was actually crying all night over not getting my ears pierced until my mom suggested a pony tail and i was like fine. I did my nails and i didn't know why but i was embarrassed to go out in public. I would cry a lot when certain triggers hit when i was younger and i felt i knew exactly why even though it was foggy. I felt that i was in the wrong gender before and now its back.
That is very important for your therapist to know. You were one who knew very young but the adults in your life didn't see the signs. You were uncomfortable being forced into the male role but you knew it was expected of you. You did what many of us do and pushed your girl aside and acted like a boy to make others happy. The problem with doing this is the girl side of you gets very unhappy and that is were your anxiety comes from. The depression is caused by the fact your body is going through puberty and developing as a male body. The hormones that do this seem to have a really bad effect on our brain and that causes depression. We seem to know that the problem is the male hormones and that we need female hormones or hormone blockers to make us feel better.
The triggers are nothing more than reminders that bring back memories or feelings that make us sad. For now you will be better off avoiding triggers as much as possible. Again, your therapist needs to know about your triggers because you need to deal with the feelings and memories behind the triggers.
You need to keep thinking tomorrow I get help and I can start on my journey to become a girl. I know it's going to be a little like waiting for christmas morning but you can do it.
I am going to be in and out today until late after noon so don't expect fast responses to your post. I won't forget about you and will check the computer when I am free. Try to be strong because it's not gong to be much longer before you get more help than I can give.
Overall before the major part of puberty i was ultra happy like no anxiety or depression until the major amounts of T kicked in i could actually feel it thats the weird thing.
Back for a very short time. No, it's not weird. It happens to many of us but is doesn't happen to CIS. CIS for the most part enjoy puberty.
The worst things possible were The deepening of the voice, shoulders broaden and body hair :( at first i liked my deeper voice but now i found out its a bad thing :(
And when i feel girlish i get so happy and snuggly and i also feel warm inside
Am i sure this isn't just a phase like weird. Im so scared that im not actually female.
I feel uncomfortable like im in an awkward postition
Sadly we feel your pain. I have very broad shoulders and I have to select what i wear carefully. Body hair, I was lucky being blond, most of what I had to deal with was a light beard. As for voice, I went many years with my voice giving me away and nobody told me. I tried to use a higher pitch but my voice is so low that I can't reach the proper range. I plan on getting voice surgery in the next month or two. The voice I will end up with will be a lower female voice but I think I will be happy with it. Karen Carpenter is my favorite singer and if the doctor could give me that voice I would be very happy. Unfortunately Karen's voice was very special and it's not possible to give person that voice. You have to be born with it.
I understand what you mean about feeling girlish but I now feel a little bit different about it. I tend to walk around with a smile on my face because I just feel happy to be alive. Even when I have to work on problems I am still happy. The girlish also comes out when I want it but it leaves me alone when I have something I need to do.
I keep telling you it's not a phase. Without treatment you will feel this way for the rest of you life. I didn't get good treatment until I was about 26 or 27 years old and I felt like you do without the anxiety pretty much all that time. The more you think about this the more uncomfortable you will feel. Please do something other than think about this. You would be better off if you could get away from the computer for a while and play out side or with somebody else.
I will need to be gone 3 hours because our family gets together at a restaurant every so often for birthdays. The family won't know it but I will be celebrating my second birth date - the 23 is the day I had my surgery. Everybody else will think it's only for their first birthday.
Im afraid im just going insane im afraid i have psychosis.
When i go to a party im terrified im going to say something wrong or hurt someone accidentally help!?!?
take a few deep breaths...
relax...
think of something nice... a meadow in the sunshine... imagine being there...
better now ?
You won't harm anyone and there is nothing wrong with you other than you are hurting a lot. You need to stop worrying because tomorrow you will be able to talk to someone who can help you deal with what you are feeling. I don't think you are going to any parties between now and then. While we have a few bad apples, the rest of us are very nice people and try not to hurt others. Because you are worried about hurting somebody, you are the type of person who won't hurt somebody. The people who hurt other people don't worry about hurting other people.
So i was meant to be a girl from day 1?
Yes :)
I like that but now im terrified for the therapist appt :(
You are a girl and just got the wrong body. We want to know how things go with the therapist tomorrow so let us know what happens and what you think.
Don't be afraid, they know all about this and can help you. It's the only way to make you feel better. We aren't doctors so all we can do is talk to you. They are doctors and have the tools needed to help you but as I said, the more you can tell them about how you feel, the faster treatment will go. Much of what they do now they didn't do when I transitioned so I only know the general idea of what they do today, but you can ask them about it tomorrow if you want to know more. In therapy, they want to know all about you but you can ask questions to learn about yourself and your treatment. If they don't answer your questions, let us know what happened and we will help you understand.
I would love to try purging... But it will be back?
I just need some time to think please. But it will be back right?
Look...
just go to your therapist and tell them... they are persons whose job it is to listen and support...
like a friend...
just talk to them...
it will be a relief afterwards...
Kelly I am where I can post again. You must not purge because it can be very bad for youy body. If you purge you need to stop and if you can't, talk to the therapist about it because you want to live a long life. The therapist are the only people who can help you so like Laura said, you need to work with them. Let us know how it turns out.
I need a new therapist :/ this one asks for like 500$ per i cant pay that.
Do you mind sharing where i can find a good therapist.
And btw i couldn't purge the triggers are still there and i still hurt when i get near the triggers.
I don't have a list but others might. Your parents medical insurance might cover the therapist so we need to know more about that. To be able to help we need to know a big city near you because at the moment we don't even know the country you are in. What did your parents say about paying for the therapist. They are supposed to be the ones who take care of things like this. You can't be expected to pay for this yourself without a job. The more you can explain what is happening here the better we can help.
I can tell this isn't going away lol its something thats always going to be there but me and my family will get this all straightened out. I remember i got a list from someone here.
Concerning therapists, you might look for someone who has gender on their list...
they could be asked how they see their role... they should be supportive and help through the process...
if they are not supportive look for another...
you might ask at a lgbt center, at plannedparenthood, or look if there were some hints on susans for your place...
you might google site:susans.org and add the name of your place
if its connected with depression or emotional issues it might be covered...
and there are online therapists:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=187135.5
Kelly How are your parents handling this. Are they helping you look or do you have to do this all your self. Do you think your parents would be willing to come to this site so we could work with them. They can create their own logon as a Signifiant other and talk with us directly.
Sadly one thing we do know and that is what you are feeling isn't going to go away and it isn't going to get any better without treatment. We have gone through what you are going through and we remember how it made us feel.
Treatment can take time and one visit isn't enough to work through your years of problems.
Take care and keep us updated.
Im actually kinda scared my trans is ocd in disguise :(
Then that means im not a girl!?!? :(
There are two possibilities.
1. The pressure you are under could causes other problems to come out. The only way to help this is to find things to keep you busy and away from triggers. This might be what is causing your anxiety attacks.
2. It is possible to have more that on condition at a time. Transsexualism is a defect in the brain that can't be changed. It is possible to have another conditions along with it. The one that scares me at the moment is you wanting to purge. If that is something you have done in the past, that is a real nasty dangerous problem that has killed people early in life and needs to be treated fast.
I think the transsexualism is here to stay and has always been with you but the other issues bother me because most of us don't have all the things that you seem to have.
The weird thing is reading other peoples stories are a trigger. It makes me think im not even a girl because they experience it differently which makes me then depressed.
The point of good story telling is to take you out of your life and put you someplace you have never been for a short time. It's best when you don't insert your life into the story and just live the life the author intended. I enjoy Science fiction and have been to many different stars and many different times. There are worlds so different that what I know in this life can't be applied to that life. Sometimes the person who's life I share is a man or it might be a woman. Sometimes I share the life of a creature that has never been seen before. It's only for a short time and you leave the story with memories of something new and different. If seeing a story this way troubles you, you shouldn't read these stories. Before I was able to get proper medical treatment this was one of the ways I used to escape my pain for a few hours.
There is nothing wrong with forgetting about your life for a few hours and enjoying the life of a story. Sometimes I am a little sad when a story end and there is no more adventure to share.
You don't have to try and hold on to the girl part of you that hard because it isn't going away. When I write the post to you, I put my girl away and look at the hurting boy in me and the hurt inside of you so I can teach you what I learned. The girl in me is out of place and will wait until it's time for her to come out again. There is no need for a fight inside you because everybody can be happy together.
Is it a problem that on those fake gender quizzes i still hope for female and i love that i have a female brain?
I am not sure which test you are talking about. I took one that was mentioned in a thread here and I came out 100% female and I expected to be 50 to 75% female. The real problem with those test is the same problem we have. Define a male and a female. If you really think about it you can't and the only true measure is what you feel inside. Doctors understand this and use a different standard to measure what we are.
You could try one thing:
ocd could mean sometimes you feel like you have a certain thought running through your head.
Imagine an angel then... many people believe in angels... a being of white light... and ask them to take away those thoughts...
just a short mental note... then relax and trust...
this could help you subconsciously to relax...
sounds a bit odd but you might try... it helped some people to relax... and to trust in a good outcome.
Just try to relax some and try to breathe regularly, often its connected with shallow breath.
Those feelings being a girl were with you for a long time.
Thoughts of what if etc are simply a distraction. Just try to calm down, do something you like and have trust your feelings will be there.
They always will. Just relax and have some trust.
A therapist should have additional coping strategies. Like breathing and others. So it will get better and better.
Do some things you like until then.
What was the game with the female character you chose ?
many *hugs*
Is it fine for me to love being treated as a girl?
There is nothing wrong with enjoying being treated as a girl. It is another sign that you are a transexual and that you need treatment as soon as possible. As I said before, we know you are a girl inside and when you are, you enjoy many girl things. Now there are girls that enjoy some things like baseball but they still enjoy being a girl as well and would be upset if you called them a boy.
You seem to be doing better today. What have you been doing today and how are you staying happy. We would like to know you are doing better so let us know how things are working out for you.
Quote from: KellBelle14 on June 23, 2015, 09:43:04 PM
Is it fine for me to love being treated as a girl?
I would guess that half of the people on this site would say YES!
Im not happy my ocd is making me insane.
Am i sure i don't just have psychosis ?
As I said before it is possible to have more than one condition at the same time. How do you know you have OCD. Are you being treated for it? There is only one condition I know of where a persons mind wants to be the opposite gender and that's transsexualism. OCD is something I know what it is but I don't have it. There is a possibly that if your transsexualism is properly treated it will also help the OCD because the OCD could be cause by the pressure you are under as a transexual. If you have a doctor treating the OCD, it might help the doctor to know that you are also a transexual.
You may have other problems but many are caused by the fact you are a transexual and you ability to handle the pain it causes isn't very good. You need to look at Laura's coping instruction and work with them. They can help you relax a bit and make some of the pain go away. The ability to cope will not fix your problem but it will give us some time to get you in medical treatment where they can solve your problems.
Talking about medical treatment, have you or your parents been able to find a doctor? It is important we get you in therapy as soon as possible to avoid what happened last week end. It's not good for you to deal with that much pain.
One question how does this happen? I still don't understand how im a girl in a guys body even though it feels normal to be a girl i just don't see how its possible even though i know it is? How does this happen?
That question has been asked many many times and there is a growing body of scholarly work that strongly suggests a biological explanation. Basically we are born this way. Being trans is not a disease or something wrong with us it is normal human variation and has existed throughout history and multiple cultures.
The tough part is understanding ourselves and dealing with a family and community that may have some backward ideas as we find our place and path forward.
I am delighted to consider that you don't have to miss all of your girlhood and, at your age, have a great chance to realize your dreams.
Im terrified that im going to be falsely diagnosed transsexual. Im terrified that im just a cismale :( help
Try to break out of compulsive thoughts with the image of the angel... taking away your thoughts, and help you come to a place of peace...
now take a few deep breaths...
Come to a place where you can be serene and think about things in a much more quiet way...
well how many cis people do you know who would like to be a girl ?
Alone questioning is a sign in itself. Cis people usually do not question their gender.
This will be a step by step process.
Nobody will rush things.
You will try one step after the other, for example make some changes to hair or clothing style, and see how that makes you feel.
You will then decide on the next steps, together with your counselor. It can be fun to try different things.
hugs
But what if im not actually questioning what if this is a figment of my imagination - very huge imagination btw.
This will all be found out in due time with your therapist.
If it was only an imagination you would not have that much fun along the first steps because you can only feel real joy if it comes from inside.
hugs
Kelly, when I first started in therapy I had doubts much like you did and though therapy might make the girl feeling go away. To deal with this fear, I decide what ever the results of therapy, I would be happy. If they could make me happy as a male, that would end the depression. If I ended up as a female and it ended the depression, that would make me happy as well.
We see a part of ourself in you and sadly if that's true, you will never be happy as a male. It would be far easer for you to remain a male, but I think your path in life will be as a female.
I have ask questions about how you are doing finding therapy and you don't answer these questions. We have a hard time giving you advice unless we know what is happening on your side. With the proper information I might be able to write you something to help with your parents but if you don't let us know whats going on we can only help you a little with your problem.
I may still be pre-everything (only therapist sessions) but a thing I remember I thought sometimes was "If these things/ identity are in a way fake then my whole world can be wrong and I'll never know". Paraphrasing : These feelings seem so real and if they are not real than I've lost the judgement for anything (if it's real or not).
Hope it helps in a way.
I'm just scared because i am like 100% sure i would like living as a girl more than a boy.
You have two options.
The first is to remain as you are depressed and feeling the same way you do now.
The second option is to get into therapy, face the doubts, prove them right or wrong and move on to a happy life.
Sitting there in fear isn't going to make things any better. The fact that you know a 100% you would rather be a girl means you have no reason to be scared because you are a girl inside.
Quote from: KellBelle14 on June 24, 2015, 03:07:06 PM
I'm just scared because i am like 100% sure i would like living as a girl more than a boy.
Yep...
this is why you go to a therapist to help you along...
help you develop yourself...
and go as fast as you like it.
There is no need for worries there. Just go it step by step and all will be fine.
Your therapist should be supportive.
If they are not simply look for another. The rest is doing it step by step. Just try to relax.
hugs
One question how am i trans when there are tons of people in the world?
Thats what makes me doubt.
You are just that lucky one in a ton ;D ;D ;D
Trans is according to some people one in four hundred persons.
There are many people worldwide trans. Millions of them.
There are millions who have very blonde hair, for example... its something that simply is this way.
Not saying other hair colours are not equally beautiful :)
hugs
That is a very adult question so if you don't fully understand the answer, ask and I will see if I can do better. Before you were born and still inside you mother, your brain was supposed to receive male hormones. These hormones didn't happen and the default brain is a female brain. You were trans even before you were born. Difference in the brain can't be changed so you will always feel the way you do. In the United States they think 700,000 are transexual and the United States has a population of 400,000,000. This mean only about 1 in 600 children are born transexual. You are not alone but there are very few of us.
But i don't understand how it would be me.
And is it normal that i think its cute to watch 2 girls kiss?
I don't understand why it happened to me either but I now am glad it did. I had a far richer life that I would have if I had been CIS. I understand people better and I am better at helping people when they hurt. You have been given a difficult problem to deal with and you can sit there in suffer or you can learn from it and become a better person.
As for two girls kissing, it depends on many things and I would have to know far more before I could answer it. On the other hand, men kissing men and women kissing women in some cultures is considered a way to greet somebody you know well. It can be much like shaking hands or hugging.
I used to think the same way "It can't be me. This is not happening to me". There is no strictly "normal". Everybody's normal in his/her own way.
Whenever i see a gf and a bf i feel uncomfortable like its a trigger or something because i know im in the wrong role and that brings it up in me.
Why something triggers you is a question you have to ask yourself. Most people don't trigger and if you do, it's because it makes you think of something you don't want to remember. Only you can tell us what memories causes you pain.
You could try to use your feelings to your advantage.
Seeing what qualities the girl has you have as well...
trying to enjoy them...
always try to find a positive point of view...
hugs
I have no girl qualities :(
Well, what about liking pink nails and earrings ....
hugs
Hmm blue hair :)
Purple Nails
Lip Gloss
Long Hair
Im just doubting again :(
Don't overthink...
just enjoy...
hugs
I am back. You are forgetting the most important part and that's what is inside. Nobody will be able to make that feeling go away and even you can only stop it for a short period of time.
You shouldn't doubt that feeing because many people here can tell you they only ruined there life when they doubted that feeling. When they listened to it they were happy.
Please tell us what is going on with finding therapy because that is the only way you are going to be happy and not have these bad feeling. Therapy has to happen before you will be ready to transition and we want to see that happen for you.
Also can we help your parents? We may be able to find what you need better than your parents.
Im still terrified that its going to go away :(
Im depressing myself because i have no confidence
Just finished making up my nails they are shiny and cute. NO COLORS YET
Well you might be a bit anxious overall... no need for that... try to relax some and calm down... things will be all right.
Well concerning confidence, your therapist should work with you on that, too.
They will talk to you and help you understand yourself better. You can take steps you like, and this will give you confidence.
Confidence can also come from things you simply feel are right for you.
Take it step by step. Your next step is simply to get to a therapist. Just relax.
And if you want you might reread some of the answers, and keep to things that lift you up... that should help, too :)
Quote from: KellBelle14 on June 25, 2015, 02:17:02 PM
Just finished making up my nails they are shiny and cute. NO COLORS YET
Wow, see ? That can give you some confidence :)
hugs
Oh my god I'm terrified that it's just my ocd.
Nonono my good life just started! :(
Well more 2 choices are transition or die. And if its my ocd i will die too i would be so sad.
Just do it step by step and all will be ok.
And it comes from inside of you.
If you like ice cream, your ocd will not make it go away. You will continue to want and try ice cream.
hugs
what??? I know you say it isn't going away but what if my mind is making up giant stories. Im scared it is going to be gone.
Don't be scared.
Your mind might make up stories.
Your inner feelings like liking ice cream... or liking rings... will remain.
Its like the wizard of oz... a small man pulling on strings to make them appear bigger..
but your true feelings will remain.
hugs
Oh Kellbelle, of course our minds make things up all the time. Our imagination is unlimited and can create whole worlds of fiction. We celebrate those people who excel as authors, poets, cartoonists, gamers and playwrights.
Our imagination can also allow us to visualize the reality of a brighter future or how the earth looks from space. You can always find a reason to doubt yourself but what is the payback for that?
What do we gain by listening to hateful ideas or our worst fears? How would you advise someone else with a scary problem?
There are other ways to see yourself and you can imagine a place where you are safe and real. Your imagination is unlimited. Let it take you to a better place.
When i look at women i think well great why couldn't i have been born a girl. :'(
And i guess this is all a figment of my imagination i shoulda known thats why it all felt like a dream a very good dream. Before i thought i was trans i would say in my head when i look at a girl i wanna be her not only merry her but be her.
Many of us have felt that same way. I used to think I had a crush on some girls but I mostly wanted to be her too. That is a common idea around here.
Don't give up on your dreams honey, some days that's all we have ;D
I once thought my dreams of being a girl were impossible. I obviously had a penis and testicles. Our body is not who we are inside.
Now I am living the dream, so I know dreams can come true. They can come true for you too.
Kelly we all have had the feelings wanting to be a woman. It might be one we imagine or it might be one we would like to be. I first discovered I was transexual in the 6th grade and i saw a neighbor girl who was in my class. At that moment I knew I want to be her and I was feeling just like you do. It took me a while longer to put a name on it and find that there were others like me. I also discovered that the surgery existed to change my sex. It took a long time to get surgery but at that time there were only a few place where we could be treated. There are far more treatment programs available now so treatment can take place much faster.
What i mean is im afraid my trans is made up by my head. Its awful if it was that i would feel terrible.
Not going to lie but seeing girls makes me depressed and angry at myself.
Sometimes i just wanna be caught in a crossfire.
Your transsexualism is not made up and it looks very much like mine. The girl feeling has changed over the years but it is still there after 63 years. The girl feeling I have now is better than how I felt at your age but it's still there and because of this, I know the feeling you have isn't going to change. You shouldn't spend you time fearing you are going to lose those feelings, you need to help us make those feeling real. At the moment you are helping us very little and because of that, as bad as we want to help you, we can't. This is a job that is to big for you to handle and the only way we can help you is with the help of your parents. Will you think about doing this for us so we can help you make your dreams real?