I am sorry if this isn't the right forum but I needed to get this off my chest. It is killing me.
When I came out back in February everything seemed to be going better than possible. There was one snag though. My brother and his wife were expecting any day. I had tried to hold off on telling anyone so that I wouldn't steel his big moment. That proved impossible as the kid waited until three weeks past its due date. Just like her sister and father before her. I told my parents by phone and used up all of my minutes. So I tried to FaceTime with my brother.
A bit of backstory, I am the eldest. When my Mom was preggers with my brother my folks impressed upon me how important my role as big brother was. And I accepted my role and took it as a great responsibility. That proved good as both my folks worked, had many extra work activities and fought to the verge of divorce. So I raised my little brother. I was the one whomwas always there for him and he was there for me. When I moved to Boston he kind of fell apart and got in with the wrong crowd. Got a drug problem and my folks pulled him out of school to try and help him. But they couldn't somthey shipped him up to me. I was meant to finish making him into a man. And I did. I played my role dutifully and with vigor. Now he is the successful adult between us. House, degree, profession, wife and kids. I am very proud of him.
So when he said he couldn't talk it hurt a bit but I understood. He didn't know what I wanted. So I sent him a long and heartfelt email. He sent me three sentences of seemingly sincere support. I figured this would be ok as we talked by phone every St. Patrick's day. We would catch up then. The kid would be born by then too so he would be able to find the time. Nope. Instead he apparently called my father. They had been fighting since my brother was a teen. It came out not too long ago that my father had beaten my brother in his pre pubecent body. So I was glad to realize that they may be reconciling and that me stepping out of the way may have helped. I called him and left a message and sent him an email, no response.
Every couple weeks or so I send him an email and get one or two sentences with no personal info or feeling in response. I am worried because my birthday is coming up this week. I never celebrate it because well...you know...I felt worthless. But the one thing I could count on was a call from my Mom and a call from my brother. This year I am very much looking forward to celebrating being alive and looking to my future. But I am falling apart thinking that my brother "won't have time" for me yet again.
I am worried that he wants me out of his life. That he resents me. Or feels betrayed. He found a duffel full of women's clothes and a diary when were teens I told him it was nothing. Being trans became the secret I shared with no one. But we had a policy of no secrets. I am so worried that I have lost my brother for good. That I will never see his kids or wife again. That I will never get to speak to him again. He is the most important person in my life. The person I would sacrifice anything for and I am absolutely crushed to think that I have lost him.
My best friend is a guy and knows my brother well. We were in bands together and were all roommates for a time. He has told me about the mourning process that he has had to go through in this transition of mine. He had to mourn the loss of his male friend. He has put forth the idea that perhaps my brother is just doing the same. My father seems to be. He is outwardly supportive and has even mentioned how I seem happier. But he still uses male pronouns and does not seem to be trying not to. He has said that "when I see the new you, the changes" he will probably get better. I don't know...
I just miss my brother so much. We haven't spoken since January. The last time anything like this happened he had been distant and estranged from my folks for two years. I was the bridge between. Just like always. I tend to solve my family's fights. I suppose I am the nurturing one, the comforter. But now I need someone to do that for me and there is no one. I guess that's why I am sharing all this here. I am just so worried...
I miss my little brother so much!
sorry, hopefully he'll snap out of it.
I've come out to my best friend... she's had trouble with it. The first time she saw me dressed femme, she avoided looking directly at me for about an hour. She's better about that now. She still says some unintentionally transphobic stuff, but it's a learning process. I'm gonna keep putting the effort in, because my relationship with her is extremely important to me. It means I'm gonna keep getting hurt, but it's worth it.
With your brother... it's going to take a while. He'll come around.
The effing patriarchy requires "men" to be transphobic. Only we can buck that trend, by being ourselves, and demanding acceptance. Perhaps we can teach "men" that transphobia is a clear signal of insecurity.
It sure would be marvelous if we could make supporting ones trans friends and family a manly virtue.
Thank you both for your sympathies...it helps.
I was willing to loose everything when I began this thing, I just didn't think my brother would be the one I lost. I hope y'all are right that he will come around. I am trying not to loose faith in him and I will always love him no matter what.
I did briefly consider de transitioning for him, if that is what it would take. But that is just not possible. I would have to end my life and I don't want to, not anymore, thanks to transition. It was always the thought of what my death would do to him if it happened that restrained my hand.
I suppose I wouldn't sacrifice "anything" for him anymore. Being me is too important. If we were together and someone threatened his life, you are darn tootin' I would step in front of a bullet.
I'll just keep letting him know I am here, that I still love him and that I hope he's happy.
Perhaps my fears are all nonsense and he'll call me just like always. That's all I want now, just to hear him...
Perhaps sending a baby outfit would help to open the lines of communication, at least with his wife.
I hope he calls.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on June 28, 2015, 02:55:41 PM
Perhaps sending a baby outfit would help to open the lines of communication, at least with his wife.
I hope he calls.
I would send him stuff for the baby but he and his wife are really controlling about that kind of thing. My family is only alowed to give pre aproved gifts. But perhaps you are right about his wife as a route to him. We were always good friends, perhaps if I just send her a note but don't mention my worries, she might just get him thinking...
Thanks!
Do you know his wife very well? My brother was ok til his new wife and her religious crap! He chose her over me, but thats ok since he now has a kid with her.
Sad thing is he quit talking to his ex wife and is behind on child support. I just sent her money for dental extras. Some people do crazy things for love..
Anyways, you had mentioned he replies back, maybe you might wanna check out the other side.. best of luck..
I do know his wife quite well. I have been her roommate and bandmate as well. But what do you mean by "the other side"?
Hi Kellam, I know how hard it can be to have "been a boy" for the benefit of others. I did it for a long time, too long. My father and I were close, and that was largely based of of my playing baseball... he was always my coach. I didn't really want to play, but I did it for him. I didn't want to disappoint him or my mother; who was fond of "showing me off" to people and always mentioning how happy she was that she had a boy and a girl, with that being my sister. My father passed away when I was 15 and since then I've just been trying to get through life, content with being miserable and always wearing a false smile. It hasn't been easy. I never let anyone know that there was a problem. I felt I was doing them a favor. Know I know how dearly that cost me. It isn't the path to venture. We all make our own destiny; yes, it can be diverted and influenced by other, but ultimately we make our own choices. You made an honorable sacrifice and hopefully in time you will be repaid for doing so; but you can't always live for the benefit of others. Your brother will make his decision as well; time tells all.
I will say that it is a good sign that he hasn't left you in the past in that he did send you a series of messages once you came out to him. It could have gone much worse. It may take him time, but at this point, I wouldn't be too concerned with him calling or not calling. It sounds as though he may have his own issues; and issues are often accompanied by feelings of uncertainty, and further still, procrastination. He may just need time to process your decision himself, and it's possible with him having recently becoming a father that he is overwhelmed with those dealings ever still. That in and of itself is a rather substantial life change. It's also possible that he may not know what to say. I'd imagine it would be difficult to "know what to say," in the opposite position of knowing someone close in transition. Maybe letting him know that that's OK would possibly open up further dialogue between the two of you? Also, have you been asked or voiced your opinion towards having a preference to being referred to by female pronouns? If not, then I wouldn't hold it against them, even if so, I'd still not hold it against them for the time being. As time passes it will probably become easier for them to do so.
I've told my family in the entirety at this point and they've been supportive, but mostly just in them saying things like "OK, that's fine, we just want you to be happy" etc., etc... the standard responses. I know there's not much else I can expect from them at this point, and I guess that's OK. I'm still exclusively getting male pronouns, which in my case I'd prefer, until I'm at least a couple years into transition. I hardly see a point in asking otherwise at this point, because I feel they need time. Like I said though, it's all I can expect in my case, especially with my being so early on. I'm pretty certain they will get more "use to it" as I get further into the process, but yeah, right now I'd say their still in shock. Some things have already improved. At first my mother said "I guess I've lost my son," which delayed HRT a bit longer and added an extra layer of guilt on top of this mess; however, since then, with time, she's gotten much better. She's seen me dressed by now a couple times and I do feel like she's starting to get it. She keeps telling me how great I look when dressed, how great I'll look, how thin I am, how feminine my features have always been, and mentioning every woman on the planet who is 6'0" and it is sort of making things better. I'm still pretty sketched out by all of this myself, but I'm progressing and time seems to be making things a bit better. I'm still pretty unsure of things and have a lot of fears, but all I can do is move forward, hope, and be the best person I can possibly be. Just keep moving forward and continue being a good person and the dominoes will fall in order, regardless of what or whom they may be.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you seeing a therapist? Sometimes they can have valuable input in matters such as this, sometimes not too I suppose. I'm in Boston myself and there are a lot of great therapists in the area who may be able to help you hash out a plan, whatever that may be. I do think you may be jumping the gun a bit with thinking you've been thrown aside by your family. They could just need a bit of time.
Anyway, I hope every everything turns out for the best... and happy birthday!!! I'd have PM'ed you that on your actual birthday, but I'd have to guess the date. Regardless, hope it's a good one.
TQ
Oh, and I'd support you in your decision to send a letter, having nothing to do with this, to your sister-in-law. A congratulations on the baby maybe - hey, that rhymes - anything really, I guess. It would be seen as a nice gesture and would probably get her thinking of how you were.
Thank you for that detailed response TQ. You helped calm me down. I just miss my brother and I have never experienced silence from him like this. The baby he just had was his second so it shouldn't be all that new. I am probably just being paranoid. I just love my brother a bit too much I guess. My father has been told about the pronouns, and seen me (i had gone full time when I saw him last) so I don't know. It feels like a lack of respect or understanding...although I can't imagine what it must be like to have your eldest come to you 36 years into their life and tell you something like this. My Mom has been amazing though.
I am not seeing a therapist yet, I have done an intake interview and am waiting ...
I have learned from my experience at work to just be patient with people. I just expect more from the three people I call my family. I have all my coworkers and bosses treating me with respect but only one third of my family. It makes me feel a fool for ever being the eldest son/brother and taking it so seriously. I wish I had been more of a rebel.
Thank you for sharing your own struggles too. My Pop has given me the "...so long as you're happy" bit too. It is true, it is good and it shows they care. But it also says "I don't understand" or even worse "I do not respect" it hurts but like you I know they love me.
Even if he doesn't call, I will always love my brother. He will call me one day and that reunion will be marvelous. I just hope ... That's all I can do I guess. Hope.
Oh and cheers for the b day wish! (July first)
Oh, almost forgot, it is nice to come across another Bostonian!
Kellam, I hope you hear from your brother. I agree with others his wife maybe the ticket to him. A maybe a baby outfit might be the perfect way to break the ice as others suggested. It's heard to say why you haven't heard from him yet. It's true the upcoming baby and helping with his wife as a result maybe why you haven't heard from him in awhile. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Do you text? Might be good to send your bro a real quick "hi, thinking about you." Calling somebody is kinda scary, especially if they've recently gone through a big life change. Texts are great 'cause they're such a limited medium. You can keep in contact without opening up too much. I suspect that's what your brother needs right now.
Also, if they're gatekeepers with the kid clothes (and I don't blame them... have you seen the crap people buy for babies?), just ask your sis-in-law what they need.
Thanks Mariah and you too sparrow (dern just realized I have been spelling sparrow wrong for years) your kind words help a bunch. It sounds like consensus has been reached here as far as the advice goes. You two pinned it down for me. I am now composing what I want to say to my sister in law.
You all have given me a great deal of comfort, thank you. I asked for help and was not let down. I am sending my love right back to every one of you in the form of warm thoughts.
(((((Group Hug)))))
D'awww... <3
Quote from: Kellam on June 28, 2015, 07:52:43 PM
I am not seeing a therapist yet, I have done an intake interview and am waiting ...
Yeah, sometimes it can be a pain having to wait for intake. Last summer I tried to get Fenway Health to take me, but they told me it could take a bit, then I found out about their "Jr." affiliate at the Sidney Borum Health Center. If your between the ages of 12-29 then they can't turn you away and you basically can get in immediately. It was a short-cut that I'm happy I found out about. The doctors there have been really great, so if your 29 or younger, then I'd suggest checking them out if possible. Hope that helps. Either way, probably shouldn't be much of a wait, regardless of where you go.
Fenway is exactly who I am waiting on...and I am 36 so no shortcuts for me! I can wait...
Quote from: Kellam on June 28, 2015, 06:54:22 PM
I do know his wife quite well. I have been her roommate and bandmate as well. But what do you mean by "the other side"?
I was just meaning if you have known her since you transitioned?
I never knew my brothers wife except the one time they came over. Her religious bs against my choices keep them from living in a house I have vacant and I offered him a job that pays 2x more than working at the dollar store he works at. Even though I forgave him for stealing our moms drugs while she was dying from cancer, which I gave her mine. And he cleaned out her checkbook so I had to pay for her funeral just after I gave him money for his kids for xmas which they never got.. I do blame her and her stupidity for it, but if you think of it the other way, maybe it was her way to keep him from inflicting into my life again;)
Wow never thought I had issues about them until this post;)
Ooff, I am sorry if I caused you to dredge up anything painful but I must say you have made me realize what a good sibling I have got.
Sorry too for not getting what you meant. I guess I haven't spoken to my sister in law since transition. They are both friends with my new Facebook account though they are rarely on that site. They tend to just post things however, they don't "like" or comment on other people's posts. They are classic alternative lifestyle folks, hippy/punk etc. me too so I understand. I suppose it is my fault for not contacting her sooner.
So I ended up having a pretty good b day. My first public one, in that I let the internet tell people for me. The social media well wishes were nice. It felt good to celebrate my day. I just did me time and cooked and ate yummy food all day.
The day was almost perfect. But I had my ringer on full volume all day, always had my phone with me...no one called. Not one member of my family. My father never calls so that wasn't a surprise. But he didn't wish me a happy b day online. The other two did but for the first time in my adult life they didn't want to speak to me on my birthday. It was like when I was a kid and they would all ignore my birthday. I just never counted...
At first I got sad about this, then disappointed and then mad! I am sitting here on my most important birthday in my adult life, with broken bones and they forget me.
They are just all so damn selfish sometimes!
This year of mine has just begun and I have had two firsts. Finally celebrating my life. And finally getting mad at my family for the way they have always pushed me around. I spent my time trying to be what they needed. Trying to end the fights the three of them are always having. Always comforting them and forgetting my own feelings.
I am glad they didn't have time for me. I will still make time for them. But now I know where I stand. I have less of a family than I thought...
I always knew I was on my own. Thank gosh for friends!
Sorry for the rant if anyone reads this and for dragging my family buisness out in public. But I am hurt, and mad.
It is very late but I need to go for a walk.....
The Witnesses might have it right. I've had a few bad birthdays that were so bad, they cancel out the good ones. Damnit, just started crying thinking about this year's. Ack.
But really... think of your family as being on a hiatus. They're not gone yet. They need some time to adapt, and they just might do that.
Also, happy first birthday! <3
Quote from: sparrow on July 02, 2015, 11:32:06 AM
The Witnesses might have it right. I've had a few bad birthdays that were so bad, they cancel out the good ones. Damnit, just started crying thinking about this year's. Ack.
But really... think of your family as being on a hiatus. They're not gone yet. They need some time to adapt, and they just might do that.
Also, happy first birthday! <3
Aww thanks sparrow. I didn't expect anyone to read my last post here. I was just well...really pissed off. And believe it or not that was a good thing for me. I almost never get angry and when I do I internalize it. This was more cathardic and after a short walk around the block I felt way better. I won't say they did me a favor but I will suggest that I needed to experience that.
I still love my family with all of my heart. I will now write my sister in law, I was giving my brother a chance before I took action. In two days I will call my Mom on her birthday and help her celebrate. I will keep trying with my brother, and I will call him this fall when his birthday comes around.
One day they may come around. And if they don't well, it is still worth me having begun transition. Because I am still happier minute by minute more than I ever have been. Big hurts can be worked on... I chose to be comfortable in my skin and to stop only living for other people. There were bound to be consequences.
Hugs Kellam and belated Happy Birthday,
Sometimes children in the family take a lot of parents time away from others. When my wife and I had our son I wound up losing all my friends because I couldn't go out with them and it does sound like your brother's wife may be a bit controlling also.
My advice, never give up on them and let them know the lines of communication will always be open. Forgive and keep on loving them, maybe they'll cpme around.
Again, Hugs,
Traci
I know this is a forgotten thread but I just thought I would share this as my story with this has moved forward. Basically, I sent my brother an email offering him my road bikes. I am switching riding stiles because of bad habits that got me a broken elbow and rib back in June. My brother and I had always bonded over bicycles and I wanted him to have mine. I thought it would be an in.
After a week he got back to me with the longest email he has sent me in since I began transition. He told me that he has been mourning the loss of his brother. I understand that. But he went on to say he just doesn't have time to get to know a new person now. He called me his sister but treated me like a stranger. He told me he thought "our paths would cross" sometime in the future. But made it clear that he wants no part of me now.
My heart literally broke And I bawled for a good long time until my Mom heard me and came and talked me down. We talked, hugged and I cried for a couple hours. I was able to make an uneasy peace with the situation.
That was yesterday. Today I sent him an email letting him know that I would respect his need for space. I also let him know that I was not a new person so much as just more me than ever. I finished the note by reassuring him that I love him and will always be there for him and that he will always be in my thoughts.
I learned in my years of getting sober not to push too hard on folks in fragile emotional states. So I am just going to keep the lines of communication open with regular monthly emails. I will keep gender based talk out of them, just let him know I am here and that I am me, if he ever needs the old shoulder to cry on or my ear to bend.
One day I will get my brother back.
It still hurts to have to say that, but I can't go backwards from where I am now. Not for anyone...not even my little brother...