I was sad and anxious today, and my wife asked me why. I was unable to verbalise it, all I managed was: "it's the transgender thing; it's exhausting".
Because it is. I'm exhausted with always being aware of my body, and always displeased. I'm exhausted with thinking every time I see a woman roughly my age: "I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat". Exhausted with how every time I see a man I'm reminded of that I have the same kind of body as they do, and I'm appalled. Exhausted by the contradiction in that I feel from a political standpoint that society puts way too much focus on gender, yet my gender is all I can think of. Exhausted by the memories from my childhood and teens that resurface all the time; memories of how I wished I were girl; memories that prove this isn't something new or temporary, it's been there all along. Exhausted with blaming myself for not transitioning when I was younger, when it would have been easier and the result world have been so much better.
I feel trapped by my gender dysphoria. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that I am transgender, but I am terrified at the idea of transitioning. I feel like all my options are terrible, and while I try to make up my mind, testosteron keeps me moving steadily in the wrong direction.
And it is so tempting to just push these thoughts away, to hide them again, to pretend, possibly even live relatively happy for a year or two, before it all comes back again.
Quote from: takotsubo on July 27, 2015, 04:00:28 PM
I was sad and anxious today, and my wife asked me why. I was unable to verbalise it, all I managed was: "it's the transgender thing; it's exhausting".
Because it is. I'm exhausted with always being aware of my body, and always displeased. I'm exhausted with thinking every time I see a woman roughly my age: "I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat". Exhausted with how every time I see a man I'm reminded of that I have the same kind of body as they do, and I'm appalled. Exhausted by the contradiction in that I feel from a political standpoint that society puts way too much focus on gender, yet my gender is all I can think of. Exhausted by the memories from my childhood and teens that resurface all the time; memories of how I wished I were girl; memories that prove this isn't something new or temporary, it's been there all along. Exhausted with blaming myself for not transitioning when I was younger, when it would have been easier and the result world have been so much better.
I feel trapped by my gender dysphoria. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that I am transgender, but I am terrified at the idea of transitioning. I feel like all my options are terrible, and while I try to make up my mind, testosteron keeps me moving steadily in the wrong direction.
And it is so tempting to just push these thoughts away, to hide them again, to pretend, possibly even live relatively happy for a year or two, before it all comes back again.
I'm with you here.
Unfortunately I seem to be at a point where I truely can't put the lid back on. I'm tired of distracting myself also.
Personally i'm looking into low dose to perhaps find somewhat relief of these feelings.
I don't find it terrifying, an sich, I think it's actually rather beautiful!
But I get it... Losing friends, work, history, ... Those reoccuring thoughts you have? I have them too!!! I haaattteee it how I ALWAYS!! end up feeling sorry that I didn't transition earlier
But your wife seems supportive, understanding, ok with it?
Onwards to a better life !
Quote from: Swayallday on July 27, 2015, 04:19:04 PM
I'm with you here.
Unfortunately I seem to be at a point where I truely can't put the lid back on. I'm tired of distracting myself also.
Personally i'm looking into low dose to perhaps find somewhat relief of these feelings.
I think I could probably still convince myself that this was just some kind of phase, that I dont't need this. But it does not seem fair to myself. I already seriously considered transitioning once, but chickened out. I feel I owe it to myself to explore this part of myself, because now ten years later it's obviously still alive and kickin'. I don't want to be back here in another few years, always restarting from square one.
Low dose HRT, that is?
Are you considering that as an alternative to transitioning, or as a temporary solution?
Quote from: Swayallday on July 27, 2015, 04:19:04 PM
Those reoccuring thoughts you have? I have them too!!! I haaattteee it how I ALWAYS!! end up feeling sorry that I didn't transition earlier
While I find it very hard not to, it is obviously pointless to beat oneself up over bad decisions made in the past. Better to learn from them, I guess. And what I'm learning is that if I so deeply regret not transitioning ten years ago, chances are I will regret it later on if I don't figure this out now.
Quote from: Swayallday on July 27, 2015, 04:19:04 PM
But your wife seems supportive, understanding, ok with it?
Well... she isn't happy about it. She really hopes that I will chose not to transition. But yes, most of the time she is very supportive. How about the people in your life?
Quote from: takotsubo on July 29, 2015, 04:27:37 PM
I think I could probably still convince myself that this was just some kind of phase, that I dont't need this. But it does not seem fair to myself. I already seriously considered transitioning once, but chickened out. I feel I owe it to myself to explore this part of myself, because now ten years later it's obviously still alive and kickin'. I don't want to be back here in another few years, always restarting from square one.
Low dose HRT, that is?
Are you considering that as an alternative to transitioning, or as a temporary solution?
While I find it very hard not to, it is obviously pointless to beat oneself up over bad decisions made in the past. Better to learn from them, I guess. And what I'm learning is that if I so deeply regret not transitioning ten years ago, chances are I will regret it later on if I don't figure this out now.
Well... she isn't happy about it. She really hopes that I will chose not to transition. But yes, most of the time she is very supportive. How about the people in your life?
A) How many people have you talked to IRL about your gender issues? We're great and all, but most licensed therapists > armchair-therapists.
B) It's not a phase, not when you're gay, bi, asexual, intersex nor any of the myriad of flavors of trans. That's the old and tired lie everyone reaches for to deny our identities. We fundamentally know and feel our gender identity in the core of who we are. That doesn't mean you're MtF, you can also be somewhere in between Male and Female; e.g.two-spirit or gender fluid. You're going to need time and a safe space to freely express your gender to determine what expressions best fit you and what medical interventions if any are right for you.
C) Any HRT is a big step, whether it's a small dose or large one. Don't think of it as an intermediary compromise, it isn't, and it will significantly effect you emotionally and physically, whether you notice or not, others may. Think - one of these are not like the other... It becomes more apparent when there are contrasts even if it's subtle on its own.
D) Your wife may care about you, but not wanting you to transition = not supportive. If you can calmly express to her that your feelings for her aren't going to change no matter your decision, that may help. But she picked you. Not a male you, you. Many women who end up with trans spouses usually do so because they are or were searching for a feminine man or manly woman. She didn't end up with you, you both found each other.
When I look back at the 9 years after figuring out I was trans, I don't regret the time, or starting at 29 instead of 20. I regret being ashamed. I regret telling my unsupportive abusive ex instead of my mom and brother first. I regret letting one extremely negative response taint my view and optimism about the world. I regret not trusting the rest of the people that matter most to me. The time is mostly reversible with money and more time, but internal scars I gained won't go away.
Trust yourself and get real tangible help. Your wife may be involved but you have to be a whole person to be a real partner. Being a shadow of one will only make her and you both miserable.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Dealing with dysphoria is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have found that going for your dreams can help with dysphoria and provided hope. A gender therapist is a good start. HRT can be tried for 4 months to see how it helps. Going to group helps by meeting others that are like yourself and are dealing with the issues.
I have yet to meet a trans person that wants to be trans. Every trans person I have meet wants to be themselves.
It took me going to the edge to realize I just want to be myself and doing something about it.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on July 29, 2015, 07:43:07 PM
A) How many people have you talked to IRL about your gender issues? We're great and all, but most licensed therapists > armchair-therapists.
None, so far, except my wife. But I'm on a waitlist to see a gender therapist.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on July 29, 2015, 07:43:07 PM
B) It's not a phase, not when you're gay, bi, asexual, intersex nor any of the myriad of flavors of trans. That's the old and tired lie everyone reaches for to deny our identities. We fundamentally know and feel our gender identity in the core of who we are. That doesn't mean you're MtF, you can also be somewhere in between Male and Female; e.g.two-spirit or gender fluid. You're going to need time and a safe space to freely express your gender to determine what expressions best fit you and what medical interventions if any are right for you.
Don't get me wrong, I don't actually think it is a phase. But my gender dysphoria is something I've been able to push aside for years, and I could probably do it again. I don't think it is a good idea (not at all), but it is tempting, not having to deal with all these feelings right now. Anyway, I'm working on the small steps, starting with hair removal.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on July 29, 2015, 07:43:07 PM
C) Any HRT is a big step, whether it's a small dose or large one. Don't think of it as an intermediary compromise, it isn't, and it will significantly effect you emotionally and physically,
I know it is a big step, and it's not one I'm about to take without careful deliberation and consulting an endocrinologist. But I've spoken to trans women here who are on low dose HRT as an alternative to full transition.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on July 29, 2015, 07:43:07 PM
whether you notice or not, others may. Think - one of these are not like the other... It becomes more apparent when there are contrasts even if it's subtle on its own.
I'm not sure I follow you here. Would you mind clarifying?
Quote from: Obfuskatie on July 29, 2015, 07:43:07 PM
D) Your wife may care about you, but not wanting you to transition = not supportive.
I gotta disagree with you there. She's scared, much for the same reasons as I'm scared. Me transitioning would turn her life upside down too. I can't blame her for hoping for an easier solution to my dysphoria than a full transition.
Also, she is starting to come to terms with the idea. The other day she said we'll "be the hottest lesbians in three counties". :-D
Quote from: Obfuskatie on July 29, 2015, 07:43:07 PM
When I look back at the 9 years after figuring out I was trans, I don't regret the time, or starting at 29 instead of 20. I regret being ashamed.
That's comforting. I don't feel so terribly ashamed. I feel shy and insecure about it, but not ashamed. So maybe in a few years I won't have so many regrets.
I hope the emotional scars you mention will at least fade with time.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 29, 2015, 08:34:06 PM
I have found that going for your dreams can help with dysphoria and provided hope.
You mean as in going for full transition?
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 29, 2015, 08:34:06 PM
Going to group helps by meeting others that are like yourself and are dealing with the issues.
I've been trying to explore the local support groups, but they seem to be very focused on cross-dressing in the absence of gender dysphoria, and I don't quite feel that applies to me.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 29, 2015, 08:34:06 PM
I have yet to meet a trans person that wants to be trans. Every trans person I have meet wants to be themselves.
Yes, that's something I've been struggling with. If I could be happy in my body and my assigned gender, would I want to? Intellectually, yes of course I would. A happy life is the goal after all, right? But emotionally the argument seems invalid. How could I be happy with a body and a gender that are not mine? It just doesn't make sense.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 29, 2015, 02:34:06 pm
I have yet to meet a trans person that wants to be trans. Every trans person I have meet wants to be themselves.
Yes, that's something I've been struggling with. If I could be happy in my body and my assigned gender, would I want to? Intellectually, yes of course I would. A happy life is the goal after all, right? But emotionally the argument seems invalid. How could I be happy with a body and a gender that are not mine? It just doesn't make sense." Unquote
I recall my first therapy session. I asked him if he could find a way to let me be a man. He just smiled and said I can make your body match your brain, but I can't make your brain match your body.
Now, years later, contentment. My body matches my brain. Finally. Yes it was hard; lots of tears, lots of screaming, lots of why me. Finally? Thank god I stood my ground and became me, a happy, content woman. I would not swap it for the world.
Hang in ladies you will get there.
Quote from: takotsubo on August 01, 2015, 03:06:04 AM
None, so far, except my wife. But I'm on a waitlist to see a gender therapist.
Don't get me wrong, I don't actually think it is a phase. But my gender dysphoria is something I've been able to push aside for years, and I could probably do it again. I don't think it is a good idea (not at all), but it is tempting, not having to deal with all these feelings right now. Anyway, I'm working on the small steps, starting with hair removal.
I know it is a big step, and it's not one I'm about to take without careful deliberation and consulting an endocrinologist. But I've spoken to trans women here who are on low dose HRT as an alternative to full transition.
I'm not sure I follow you here. Would you mind clarifying?
I gotta disagree with you there. She's scared, much for the same reasons as I'm scared. Me transitioning would turn her life upside down too. I can't blame her for hoping for an easier solution to my dysphoria than a full transition.
Also, she is starting to come to terms with the idea. The other day she said we'll "be the hottest lesbians in three counties". :-D
That's comforting. I don't feel so terribly ashamed. I feel shy and insecure about it, but not ashamed. So maybe in a few years I won't have so many regrets.
I hope the emotional scars you mention will at least fade with time.
In the mean time, find a local LGBT association most college campuses have them, or PFLAG. That way you can meet people like you and have a safe place to talk about all of this stuff. I'm glad to hear that your wife is starting to say some positive things about all this. I didn't mean to say she was unsupportive, by I kinda believe it's all or nothing and have experienced half-hearted support that became very negative in the past. If you can introduce her to a partner support group she'd probably benefit from it a lot since your process and her process are going to be very different.
'One of these things are not like the others...' Refers to the way our brains are programmed to seek patterns. Think Highlights magazine, and finding hidden objects in pictures. After a while on any hormones, a lot of others here, including myself, start noticing the occasional person staring at us. It comes from them not being able to tell why they think there's something odd about us. It's often referred to here at Susan's as drab-fail or something similar when it becomes hard to blend in as your birth gender. It becomes more pronounced and frequent the further in transition you go while trying to present as your assigned sex. I hope that makes a bit more sense [emoji53]
And I appreciate your concern about the emotional scarring. I doubt they'll go away, but the more good things that have been coming into my life recently, the more the scars fade. I think as long as you stay true to yourself, you'll be fine. [emoji6]
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Cindy on August 01, 2015, 03:29:46 AM
I recall my first therapy session. I asked him if he could find a way to let me be a man. He just smiled and said I can make your body match your brain, but I can't make your brain match your body.
Being friendly with psychopharmaceuticals, it feels strange to me that this is still where we are at. That there isn't a drug that can ease dysphoria. But I guess gender identity is too fundamental to be altered with the blunt tools that psychiatry has to offer today. And as I said - taking a drug to match mind to body and be content as a man would feel wrong anyway.
Quote from: Cindy on August 01, 2015, 03:29:46 AM
Now, years later, contentment. My body matches my brain. Finally. Yes it was hard; lots of tears, lots of screaming, lots of why me.
I'm trying to curb the Why Me's, and remember how incredibly privileged I am. That I live in a time and at a place where there are resources available to help me with me gender issues, and even transition if it comes to that. That statistically, it was three times as likely for me to be born with cystic fibrosis as with transsexualism. From that perspective it makes no sense to be bitter.
Emphasis on the trying, though. :-/
Quote from: Cindy on August 01, 2015, 03:29:46 AM
Finally? Thank god I stood my ground and became me, a happy, content woman. I would not swap it for the world.
Hang in ladies you will get there.
Thanks for the encouragement. :-)
Quote from: Obfuskatie on August 01, 2015, 06:22:35 AM
In the mean time, find a local LGBT association most college campuses have them, or PFLAG. That way you can meet people like you and have a safe place to talk about all of this stuff.
I'm glad to hear that your wife is starting to say some positive things about all this. I didn't mean to say she was unsupportive, by I kinda believe it's all or nothing and have experienced half-hearted support that became very negative in the past. If you can introduce her to a partner support group she'd probably benefit from it a lot since your process and her process are going to be very different.
Spending the last few days celebrating Pride, I got the distinct impression that we have a strong local LGBT-movement, but that the trans organisations are weak, and/or seem to consist largely of middle aged male cross-dressers that I have a hard time relating to. Same goes for the partner support - we went to a seminar on partner support together the other day, hosted by the most prominent local trans organisation, but they seemed almost alien to the concept that my wife faces a situation rather different from the spouse of a heterosexual cross-dresser without gender dysphoria. So the search goes on. We met a fair deal of young transgendered persons, so I think we have every possibility to find a support network, there just seems to be a lack of organisation.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on August 01, 2015, 06:22:35 AM
'One of these things are not like the others...' Refers to the way our brains are programmed to seek patterns. Think Highlights magazine, and finding hidden objects in pictures. After a while on any hormones, a lot of others here, including myself, start noticing the occasional person staring at us. It comes from them not being able to tell why they think there's something odd about us. It's often referred to here at Susan's as drab-fail or something similar when it becomes hard to blend in as your birth gender. It becomes more pronounced and frequent the further in transition you go while trying to present as your assigned sex. I hope that makes a bit more sense [emoji53]
I had to google Highlights Magazine, but then it made sense. :-D I've always had a hard time blending in amongst males, and I've gotten my fair share of stares, but I can see how HRT would accentuate it.
Quote from: takotsubo on July 29, 2015, 04:27:37 PM
I think I could probably still convince myself that this was just some kind of phase, that I dont't need this.
I apologise for the fact that I am late to this convo and I probably cant offer that much insight, but I wonder if you would be kind enough to answer a question that I have genuinely been puzzled by for a long time, and which no one has ever really answered for me.
Why would you do this? Why would you repress your identity in that way, particularly once you have figured it out?
I mean to borrow from the bible "what profit has a man if he gains the whole world, but in the process loses his soul?" If you know your heart and soul are female then I submit even the bible points out the logic pretty well.
Of course I speak as someone who, being rather naive in my youth, has lived all my life from very early childhood being totally open about my gender identity, even when my body didn't match. Due to medical restrictions in the 1960's and 1970's, I was not able to receive any treatment until I was an adult, but on the whole the comfort I gained from being honest with myself, and my peers, outweighed any problems.
So it has always puzzled me why people do this repression thing. Transition and SRS was not that hard in my experience. There were challenges to overcome, it took time, it took money, and it took some work, but the payback in self love and peace of mind was massive.
So I suppose what I want to say is, you can do this. For me it wasn't really about being male or female, cis or trans, it was just about being honest with myself and everyone about who and what I really am - and that alone carried a truly massive reward in peace of mind.
I know there are issues with wives and families, and while I have no experience of that, as was postop long before I got a family, I do empathise with your dilemma and I wish you fair sailing.
Quote from: takotsubo on July 27, 2015, 04:00:28 PM
I was sad and anxious today, and my wife asked me why. I was unable to verbalise it, all I managed was: "it's the transgender thing; it's exhausting".
Because it is. I'm exhausted with always being aware of my body, and always displeased. I'm exhausted with thinking every time I see a woman roughly my age: "I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat". Exhausted with how every time I see a man I'm reminded of that I have the same kind of body as they do, and I'm appalled. Exhausted by the contradiction in that I feel from a political standpoint that society puts way too much focus on gender, yet my gender is all I can think of. Exhausted by the memories from my childhood and teens that resurface all the time; memories of how I wished I were girl; memories that prove this isn't something new or temporary, it's been there all along. Exhausted with blaming myself for not transitioning when I was younger, when it would have been easier and the result world have been so much better.
I feel trapped by my gender dysphoria. The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that I am transgender, but I am terrified at the idea of transitioning. I feel like all my options are terrible, and while I try to make up my mind, testosteron keeps me moving steadily in the wrong direction.
And it is so tempting to just push these thoughts away, to hide them again, to pretend, possibly even live relatively happy for a year or two, before it all comes back again.
Welcome to the World I lived in, and still do. I feel your pain.
After some 50 years of trying to keep the ocean of corks around me under water I hit bottom. That was when I realized that how I was NOT handing being trans was the root cause of many, if not all, my major life disasters.
Transitioning was the very last thing on my mind. Been there, tried it twice in my early 20's. Both times realizing it wasn't for me. On top of my list was figuring out some way to get these two great aspects of myself, the male and female, to peacefully coexist inside of me. It was pretty obvious, even to me, that the male side beating down the female one was not working after 40+ years of that route. Living out in the middle of nowhere at the time the only support/help I could find was a TG Support group some 90 miles away. After a lifetime of living in the shadows of NYC for the first time ever I reached out to "those people". I was in shock by the time the first meeting ended. There I was in a living room filled with others who's life stories almost mirrored my own. By the time the third meeting was over I knew I needed to be there. I also know it was already almost too late to tell my wife what was up.
My wife, like yours, knew of my gender issues, even my transitioning experiments. She even had no problem with my occasional escapes from maleness when I needed to present as female around the house. In time she even stayed home when I did. I, we, figured I was "just a cross-dresser". I knew I had given up any hope in this lifetime of transitioning. Better luck next time. So more resigned to being a CD. She was "Supportive to a point". A self described sexist. She liked men and what they had and how they made her feel. Totally OK with me being a CD. Usually haunted for days after my escapes when looking at me she saw Joanne. A bit of a buzz-kill for her in the romance department.
Telling her about this new development was not going to be easy. Unlike you, open and honest communication did not come easy. My wife is pathologically honest along with a bearer of TMI. She was far from thrilled over it, especially since almost all the members of the group were transitioned.
This all happened six years ago. A lot of great things have transpired since then. I am still trying to figure out exactly who I am vs who I am expected to be. I still present male, got rehired by an old boss and am once again doing a job I love and have fun in. My life is working on so many levels now with all the personal growth I've obtained these past years in taking on the beast. I still need to learn and grow more. My wife is grateful of all the work I have been doing and "most" of the changes I've made. My on again, off again relationship with low dose HRT I relied on once every few years for the brain reset became on again to fullish dose. The bumps on the chest don't thrill her by any means.
Not to obfuscate things ( ;) ), HRT DOES change you on many levels. More so then bumps on your chest and things going numb downstairs. It can be emotionally addictive. There was a time, early on, when during my WTF am I doing ??? meltdowns I'd either say to myself or to my wife I can stop that. She always said no, don't. Then it became "You know you can't". For me it even has become you know you can't when I begin to think maybe I can.
It can be, and in many ways is a struggle to "Manage" being trans. There is no cure. There is no ignoring it. I tried for decades using the 3D's of Diversions, Distractions, and Denial to manage it. Today I am trying and learning of other ways to that are suitable for me. Besides managing the trans part there are many more balls in the air that I have to juggle. In an ideal world I would fully transition today. I am also thankfull I do not overwhelmingly feel that I NEED to. Well... most days I don't.
Quote from: Rejennyrated on August 02, 2015, 08:10:59 AM
I apologise for the fact that I am late to this convo and I probably cant offer that much insight, but I wonder if you would be kind enough to answer a question that I have genuinely been puzzled by for a long time, and which no one has ever really answered for me.
Why would you do this? Why would you repress your identity in that way, particularly once you have figured it out?
I mean to borrow from the bible "what profit has a man if he gains the whole world, but in the process loses his soul?" If you know your heart and soul are female then I submit even the bible points out the logic pretty well.
Of course I speak as someone who, being rather naive in my youth, has lived all my life from very early childhood being totally open about my gender identity, even when my body didn't match. Due to medical restrictions in the 1960's and 1970's, I was not able to receive any treatment until I was an adult, but on the whole the comfort I gained from being honest with myself, and my peers, outweighed any problems.
So it has always puzzled me why people do this repression thing. Transition and SRS was not that hard in my experience. There were challenges to overcome, it took time, it took money, and it took some work, but the payback in self love and peace of mind was massive.
So I suppose what I want to say is, you can do this. For me it wasn't really about being male or female, cis or trans, it was just about being honest with myself and everyone about who and what I really am - and that alone carried a truly massive reward in peace of mind.
I know there are issues with wives and families, and while I have no experience of that, as was postop long before I got a family, I do empathise with your dilemma and I wish you fair sailing.
I appreciate your thoughts, regardless of if they come early or late in the conversation. :-)
So why would I repress my identity?
Because it is easier – at least in the short term. No difficult decisions. No need to come out to friends and family. No drugs with burdensome or dangerous side effects. No strain on my marriage.
Because I'm scared. I'm terrified of the RLE period. Of being seen as a man in a dress. Of discrimination. Of hate crimes.
Because while my dysphoria is absolutely present, for long periods of time it has been relatively discreet. I am not one of those trans persons who knew with absolute certainty from childhood that they were born into the wrong body. In retrospect the signs were there, but I didn't even start to think along the lines of being transgendered until I was a teenager. And while I've had my share of suicidal ideation, it was seldom directly connected to my gender identity. My dysphoria has been there from the very beginning, but a lot of the time it has been an itch, a constant discomfort, rather than an unbearable pain. In the context of your bible quote - I don't know if repressing my dysphoria could be considered "losing my soul". Maybe like losing a part of it.
Because I'm not confident that transition is the only way for me to live a happy life. In a lot of ways I
am happy. It is a struggle to keep depression at bay, but it is a struggle I'm getting better at.
But maybe most of all, because I lack confidence in the image of myself as a woman. While I long for it, I find it hard to imagine. Hard to believe that I could ever truly look and feel like a woman.
But I'm glad to hear that transition and SRS were not that difficult for you. And I have yet to hear someone who made the decision to transition and then came to regret it. I know it happens, but it seems rare.
And when it comes to family... My wife really is coming around more every day. She's made a point now several times of saying that if I need transitioning she'll be there for me. And while I'm
really scared at the idea of coming out to the rest of my family, I feel confident that they will be supportive, so I'm not even really sure of what I'm scared of there.
Anyway. Thank you for your kind words, and for taking the time to read. I should probably be more concise, but it feels good to turn my messy thoughts into words. I hope this answers your question, at least partially.
Yes thank you it does...
I understand a little more now - and though you may not know this, I hope it may please you to know that by helping me to understand you will probably have helped at least one of my future patients - because I'm a penultimate year medical student and I'm pretty sure that sooner or later I will come acrosss a trans patient - so understanding better the barriers and fears that some will face is very important to me.
I would encourage you and tell you that I think many of your fears will not translate to reality. In truth most people who do not have my luck to transition in early childhood do have the woory of how they will look and its perfectly understandable, but in reality after a sometimes shaky start most of them do go on to look pretty good.
As for the rest I do believe a skilled therapist will be able to help you work through those fears, and I do think that is the most positive thing you can do for yourself, because clearly you now know or suspect that this isnt ever going to go away.
I do wish you every happiness - and would like to thank you for takin the time to explain so clearly. I appreciate it a lot.
Best
JennyD.
Quote from: takotsubo on August 02, 2015, 05:11:08 AM
...taking a drug to match mind to body and be content as a man would feel wrong anyway.
Maybe it would feel wrong, but that's not certain. I'd certainly give such a drug a shot. It's all about the dysphoria for me.
Quote from: takotsubo on August 02, 2015, 04:32:43 PM
I appreciate your thoughts, regardless of if they come early or late in the conversation. :-)
So why would I repress my identity?
Because it is easier – at least in the short term. No difficult decisions. No need to come out to friends and family. No drugs with burdensome or dangerous side effects. No strain on my marriage.
Because I'm scared. I'm terrified of the RLE period. Of being seen as a man in a dress. Of discrimination. Of hate crimes.
Because while my dysphoria is absolutely present, for long periods of time it has been relatively discreet. I am not one of those trans persons who knew with absolute certainty from childhood that they were born into the wrong body. In retrospect the signs were there, but I didn't even start to think along the lines of being transgendered until I was a teenager. And while I've had my share of suicidal ideation, it was seldom directly connected to my gender identity. My dysphoria has been there from the very beginning, but a lot of the time it has been an itch, a constant discomfort, rather than an unbearable pain. In the context of your bible quote - I don't know if repressing my dysphoria could be considered "losing my soul". Maybe like losing a part of it.
Because I'm not confident that transition is the only way for me to live a happy life. In a lot of ways I am happy. It is a struggle to keep depression at bay, but it is a struggle I'm getting better at.
But maybe most of all, because I lack confidence in the image of myself as a woman. While I long for it, I find it hard to imagine. Hard to believe that I could ever truly look and feel like a woman.
But I'm glad to hear that transition and SRS were not that difficult for you. And I have yet to hear someone who made the decision to transition and then came to regret it. I know it happens, but it seems rare.
And when it comes to family... My wife really is coming around more every day. She's made a point now several times of saying that if I need transitioning she'll be there for me. And while I'm really scared at the idea of coming out to the rest of my family, I feel confident that they will be supportive, so I'm not even really sure of what I'm scared of there.
Anyway. Thank you for your kind words, and for taking the time to read. I should probably be more concise, but it feels good to turn my messy thoughts into words. I hope this answers your question, at least partially.
RLE is no longer a requirement for transition. In the change from HBIGDA to WPATH standards of care and the revising of the DSMV for dysphoria, most clinics operate with informed consent as their requirement. In order to do SRS, we still need two letters from therapists/doctors. There isn't a lot of research on cross-sex hormone replacement, most of the dire predictions are from results for HRT with menopausal women. It doesn't mean you won't develop thrombosis or w/e, especially if you smoke. It means there's no evidence that HRT works the same when paired with hormone blockers or after orchiectomy to prevent osteoporosis among other things.
For me, my gender issues started at around 2, but I didn't understand it nor have the words to express how I felt until finding transgender on Wikipedia at 19. It blew my mind that there was a word for people like me, when I had thought no one felt like I did.
My original postponement of transition after that eureka moment, was because of being told I'd never be able to escape looking like a man in a dress. I don't, but at the time I couldn't see past my insecurities. In my experience and from what I've read, dysphoria gets worse with time, not better.
Talk to the most supportive member of your family. Work your way through the rest of them and see how supportive they are. Be concise and direct, and don't beat around the bush. You can figure out whether you want to transition separately from being open with the people who are most important to you. After you tell them is when they will finally have the chance to really see you. That may be enough, being able to talk openly about how you feel with the most important people in your life. But you may decide you need to transition at some point, and if you already have a supportive family at that point, you'll be starting from a place of confidence and security.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: JoanneB on August 02, 2015, 08:55:21 AM
Transitioning was the very last thing on my mind. Been there, tried it twice in my early 20's. Both times realizing it wasn't for me.
What was it that made you feel transition wasn't for you the first two times? Do you plan to transition someday? I saw that it says "third time's the charm" under your avatar...
Quote from: JoanneB on August 02, 2015, 08:55:21 AM
Living out in the middle of nowhere at the time the only support/help I could find was a TG Support group some 90 miles away. After a lifetime of living in the shadows of NYC for the first time ever I reached out to "those people". I was in shock by the time the first meeting ended. There I was in a living room filled with others who's life stories almost mirrored my own. By the time the third meeting was over I knew I needed to be there. I also know it was already almost too late to tell my wife what was up.
It is an amazing thing to meet other TG's and see how similar our thoughts and troubles are. I'm thankful to be living in a time where the internet allows me to do so with such ease. But I'm also working on finding a real life support group.
Quote from: JoanneB on August 02, 2015, 08:55:21 AM
A self described sexist. She liked men and what they had and how they made her feel. Totally OK with me being a CD. Usually haunted for days after my escapes when looking at me she saw Joanne. A bit of a buzz-kill for her in the romance department.
Obviously I worry about my wife not being attracted to my body after a transition, but she probably has rather different opinions regarding masculinity than your wife does. While her standpoint is more philosophical than practical, she'd probably describe herself as misandrist. Male traits have never been valued very high in our household.
Quote from: JoanneB on August 02, 2015, 08:55:21 AM
My life is working on so many levels now with all the personal growth I've obtained these past years in taking on the beast. I still need to learn and grow more. My wife is grateful of all the work I have been doing and "most" of the changes I've made.
I'm very glad to hear your life is working better, but I'd love to better understand what changes you have made. Is it largely acceptance that has gotten you to where you are? Or was HRT the major game changer? Or something entirely different?
You're saying HRT has been emotionally addictive to you. In what way? As in it makes you feel better while you're on it, or as in you experience withdrawal symptoms when you don't?
Quote from: JoanneB on August 02, 2015, 08:55:21 AM
In an ideal world I would fully transition today. I am also thankfull I do not overwhelmingly feel that I NEED to. Well... most days I don't.
While I absolutely see where you're coming from, I kind of wish I felt that overwhelming need to transition. If I knew that transition is what I need to do to stay alive, I imagine I would experience a lot less doubt. Do I want to live? Yes. Therefore: transition. It would also be a much easier sell to my wife and family than the current "sure, I probably could live like this for the rest of my life, but it doesn't feel right".
Quote from: Rejennyrated on August 02, 2015, 05:17:23 PM
Yes thank you it does...
I understand a little more now - and though you may not know this, I hope it may please you to know that by helping me to understand you will probably have helped at least one of my future patients - because I'm a penultimate year medical student and I'm pretty sure that sooner or later I will come acrosss a trans patient - so understanding better the barriers and fears that some will face is very important to me.
I would encourage you and tell you that I think many of your fears will not translate to reality. In truth most people who do not have my luck to transition in early childhood do have the woory of how they will look and its perfectly understandable, but in reality after a sometimes shaky start most of them do go on to look pretty good.
As for the rest I do believe a skilled therapist will be able to help you work through those fears, and I do think that is the most positive thing you can do for yourself, because clearly you now know or suspect that this isnt ever going to go away.
I do wish you every happiness - and would like to thank you for takin the time to explain so clearly. I appreciate it a lot.
Best
JennyD.
I'm glad I could help. :-) Also, always nice to meet a colleague – I just graduated in June!
Well, it kind of bothers me that I worry so much about my looks post transition. What do looks matter if I can be myself, right? But they do matter. At least at this point. And that's another reason I need to find som real-life transsexual friends, because most of the cross-dressers I met last week didn't even bother to shave, and looked exactly the way I absolutely do not want to look. I'm glad they feel happy and satisfied with that level of femininity, but it's just not going to cut it for me.
I keep my fingers crossed for a good connection with the gender therapist when we meet in mid-September. I got a positive impression over the phone.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on August 03, 2015, 05:19:59 AM
RLE is no longer a requirement for transition. In the change from HBIGDA to WPATH standards of care and the revising of the DSMV for dysphoria, most clinics operate with informed consent as their requirement. In order to do SRS, we still need two letters from therapists/doctors.
I'm pretty sure it's still required in Sweden. But obviously I'd love it if I were mistaken.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on August 03, 2015, 05:19:59 AM
There isn't a lot of research on cross-sex hormone replacement, most of the dire predictions are from results for HRT with menopausal women. It doesn't mean you won't develop thrombosis or w/e, especially if you smoke. It means there's no evidence that HRT works the same when paired with hormone blockers or after orchiectomy to prevent osteoporosis among other things.
That's interesting. What is w/e short for? I've (almost) never smoked, and I have a fairly healthy lifestyle, so at least I'm not at a high risk of cardiovascular complications.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on August 03, 2015, 05:19:59 AM
My original postponement of transition after that eureka moment, was because of being told I'd never be able to escape looking like a man in a dress. I don't, but at the time I couldn't see past my insecurities.
I'm sorry someone said that to you. Words can do such damage.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on August 03, 2015, 05:19:59 AM
In my experience and from what I've read, dysphoria gets worse with time, not better.
That is my experience too.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on August 03, 2015, 05:19:59 AM
Talk to the most supportive member of your family. Work your way through the rest of them and see how supportive they are. Be concise and direct, and don't beat around the bush. You can figure out whether you want to transition separately from being open with the people who are most important to you. After you tell them is when they will finally have the chance to really see you. That may be enough, being able to talk openly about how you feel with the most important people in your life. But you may decide you need to transition at some point, and if you already have a supportive family at that point, you'll be starting from a place of confidence and security.
I discussed this with my wife yesterday, and we concluded that the person in my family that is likely to have the best reaction is actually my grandmother. She is born in the 30's, but she places such pride in being progressive, I think she'll have my back from the get-go. My parents will support me too, but probably with a lot more questions and worries. Anyway, I absolutely see your point, but I feel like I want to know more about what direction I'm moving in before I come out to my family. I want to be able to provide better answers to those questions about what happens next.
When I first started I went to an extreme standard that I held myself to. I felt I needed to do that to pass to level without question to other people, but myself too. It's completely normal for you to worry about your looks. The point at which you will finally feel satisfied is the point when you see in the mirror the person you know you are and the point at which you become comfortable with who you are. When you reach that point you will know it. For me it took lots of hair removal and hormones to get there. It's like today I had an appointment at the dentist and was debating on wearing makeup or not to the appointment. The only reason I chose to wear it today was to even out the skin tone because sometimes one area gets a bit red and doesn't allow for an even skin tone without the foundation on. Work on finding the right combination that will allow you to be comfortable and happy. Then take the steps you need to in order to achieve that. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: takotsubo on August 03, 2015, 11:59:31 PM
Well, it kind of bothers me that I worry so much about my looks post transition. What do looks matter if I can be myself, right? But they do matter. At least at this point. And that's another reason I need to find som real-life transsexual friends, because most of the cross-dressers I met last week didn't even bother to shave, and looked exactly the way I absolutely do not want to look. I'm glad they feel happy and satisfied with that level of femininity, but it's just not going to cut it for me.
I keep my fingers crossed for a good connection with the gender therapist when we meet in mid-September. I got a positive impression over the phone.
Quote from: takotsubo on August 04, 2015, 12:16:34 AM
I'm pretty sure it's still required in Sweden. But obviously I'd love it if I were mistaken.
That's interesting. What is w/e short for? I've (almost) never smoked, and I have a fairly healthy lifestyle, so at least I'm not at a high risk of cardiovascular complications.
I'm sorry someone said that to you. Words can do such damage.
That is my experience too.
I discussed this with my wife yesterday, and we concluded that the person in my family that is likely to have the best reaction is actually my grandmother. She is born in the 30's, but she places such pride in being progressive, I think she'll have my back from the get-go. My parents will support me too, but probably with a lot more questions and worries. Anyway, I absolutely see your point, but I feel like I want to know more about what direction I'm moving in before I come out to my family. I want to be able to provide better answers to those questions about what happens next.
Yeah, I should have prefaced it by saying in the U.S. But the WPATH standards of care are more or less worldwide, so I have no idea.
W/e is shorthand for whatever. There's a long list of lots of scary sounding things like blood clots and specific kinds of clots, you know like a pharmaceutical drug commercial. But the listed side effects are gleaned from an entirely different population without our circumstances and used for a different purpose. Essentially, avoid potassium, alcohol and cigarettes if you want to go on HRT. Don't get diabetes either, I'm pretty sure it's contraindicated with Spironolactone, but I'm not sure.
Yeah... it's one of many reasons she and I have no relationship anymore.
That makes sense, figuring out your plan beforehand. But don't overshare every little detail of your plan to those you come out to, I've found that the more they are invested in your happiness and well-being the less comfortable they are about hearing a laundry list of minutiae you've already set in stone without consulting them. It can be overwhelming for them, so just give them bite sized status/plan updates after coming out. Also, don't be surprised if any of them need time to go through a mourning process. The first thought for a lot of people have is that they will lose you, not gain a happier more confident version of you.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: takotsubo on August 03, 2015, 11:48:12 PM
What was it that made you feel transition wasn't for you the first two times? Do you plan to transition someday? I saw that it says "third time's the charm" under your avatar...
I am a former fatty with a ton of self image and self esteem problems as well as having had nearly a lifetime of "being a target". A few trips out into the real world were always too much salt in a still open wound as I hear snickers, get stares, or worse. No way did I want to sign up for a lifetime of that
Quote from: takotsubo on August 03, 2015, 11:48:12 PM
It is an amazing thing to meet other TG's and see how similar our thoughts and troubles are. I'm thankful to be living in a time where the internet allows me to do so with such ease. But I'm also working on finding a real life support group.
Where I was it wasn't easy. Months spent on Google searching in an ever greater radius trying to avoid that 2-3 hr drive to DC or Pittsburgh, or Philly. Eventually I found my second family and a couple of angels to save me some 90 miles away
Quote from: takotsubo on August 03, 2015, 11:48:12 PM
Obviously I worry about my wife not being attracted to my body after a transition, but she probably has rather different opinions regarding masculinity than your wife does. While her standpoint is more philosophical than practical, she'd probably describe herself as misandrist. Male traits have never been valued very high in our household.
You'll be hard pressed to find a woman with views on 'masculinity' like my wife's. She is about 25 years post-op.
Quote from: takotsubo on August 03, 2015, 11:48:12 PM
I'm very glad to hear your life is working better, but I'd love to better understand what changes you have made. Is it largely acceptance that has gotten you to where you are? Or was HRT the major game changer? Or something entirely different?
A lot of thanks goes to my wife who had tried for many many years to open my eyes to so many things in the world around me. She is a into metaphysics and a spiritual person as well as having looked death in the eye a few times starting at age 14 being told she'll never live to see her 21st birthday. The three times I came within a hairs breath of dying I generally had the WTF ??? Why not? Absurdity of life response to living. Having waaaaayyyyy too much free time on my hands a few years back I took what she has been saying to heart, did a lot of reading, a lot of self examination, got out of my "comfort zone" I was able to stay comfortably within thanks to the job(s) I had. A ton of self help books, and videos later as well as help from a special angel in my TG Support Group, a few things began to penetrate my very thick skull.
Quote from: takotsubo on August 03, 2015, 11:48:12 PM
You're saying HRT has been emotionally addictive to you. In what way? As in it makes you feel better while you're on it, or as in you experience withdrawal symptoms when you don't?
My first 3-4 years of struggling have been filled with PLENTY of WTF am I Doing ??? meltdowns. In the past when on low-dose the overwhelming drive to just be 'Normal' always led me to stopping as things downstairs got affected while being in a long term relationship with an SO. I knew all too well with my wife how much this 'exploration' affected her. My CD escape days were bad enough, with her seeing Joanne for days afterwards. 'Bumps on your chest' or working towards it, is a whole nother level of escalation. But the personal growth and positive personality changes have alleviate those feelings of her some
My wife and I always adhered to one guiding principal. That is the other's happiness is foremost. We both come from dysfunctional alcoholic families. No way did we ever want to see things get that bad between us. Early on during my meltdowns I would say I'd stop HRT as well as the rest of the craziness. She would always insist NO. Don't you Dare! A response I was glad to hear. Being on HRT always made me feel better. After 6 months and a lot of things starting to click in my life I really didn't want to stop. The few times I did for a few weeks was absolute misery.
Quote from: takotsubo on August 03, 2015, 11:48:12 PM
While I absolutely see where you're coming from, I kind of wish I felt that overwhelming need to transition. If I knew that transition is what I need to do to stay alive, I imagine I would experience a lot less doubt. Do I want to live? Yes. Therefore: transition. It would also be a much easier sell to my wife and family than the current "sure, I probably could live like this for the rest of my life, but it doesn't feel right".
I am so Thankful while at the same time totally hating not having the overwhelming feeling that I
NEED to transition. I love what I do for a living and don't want to risk that on top of my wife's medical needs (Long story). After a few years of a lot of introspection, hard work, self discovery, and the joy of finally feeling like a real person; I achieved pretty much all what set out to 6 years ago. Finally these two great and seemingly disparate aspects of myself are conjoined into one mostly happy and health person. I lived part time as female for a few of those six years and hope to do so again as soon as circumstances permit me to. Right now I am generally at the 90% happy being who I am and my life point. Pretty good compared to the 10% I would have given it. Gender ID is an important aspect of it, but not the only, and not an overwhelming one. Can I continue to be happy as things are now? I think yes. If I do a full transition what do I gain vs what I may loose? What I do for a living is so much a part of me. I already know all too well the pain of loosing that part of me. (part of my hitting bottom 6 years ago). As well as I know the pain I'd feel loosing my wife, and our shared hopes, wishes and dreams.
If I can be sure of having it all, I'd go for it. Even if I can't have it all, like the totally unknown just how long my wife will stay on this roller-coaster, I'd still take that chance. She has always been a free spirit and that spirit is a a good part of why I feel in love with and still love her for. If I loose her and my totally fun job, I know I'll be spending too much quality time looking at the bottom of a bottle, packing on the 100 lbs I am glad I lost, and hating myself for daring to think I can have a dream. The grand finale being an evaporated fireball of a car crash one late night on a stretch of interstate I cannot believe is laid out as it is.
And then.... there are the darker days when I think I can't keep this up any longer. The worse these days tend to be after being able to be out in the real world as the real me. Much more painful now that they are a month or more apart vs the pain I had almost weekend taking off my nail polish after having spent the weekend as me.
Perhaps it is "The Big Picture" me. Perhaps the scared me. Perhaps the "Don't have a clue who I really am me" that keeps me on the path I am. But much like being trans, I don't dwell on the "why". The situation is what it is. The real problem is what can I and what am I going to do about it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; The courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference. Wisdom is the hard part.
Quote from: Mariah2014 on August 04, 2015, 12:29:42 AM
When I first started I went to an extreme standard that I held myself to. I felt I needed to do that to pass to level without question to other people, but myself too. It's completely normal for you to worry about your looks. The point at which you will finally feel satisfied is the point when you see in the mirror the person you know you are and the point at which you become comfortable with who you are. When you reach that point you will know it. For me it took lots of hair removal and hormones to get there.
It's like today I had an appointment at the dentist and was debating on wearing makeup or not to the appointment. The only reason I chose to wear it today was to even out the skin tone because sometimes one area gets a bit red and doesn't allow for an even skin tone without the foundation on. Work on finding the right combination that will allow you to be comfortable and happy. Then take the steps you need to in order to achieve that. Hugs
Mariah
The idea of living as a woman without passing seems impossible to me now, but I don't know... back when I had an eating disorder the idea of being happy in a body that wasn't dangerously underweight seemed impossible. Perspectives change. And I do feel more comfortable with my reflection already. Today I'm going shopping for makeup to cover my beard shadow. Scary, since I'm going to need to ask the clerk for help, but I think it could be a big step towards feeling better about myself. :)
It's definitely a big step, but most places are really good at helping so you will be in good hands. Hugs
Mariah
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
@OP
Dear, I hear you on multiple accounts. Personally it is hard for me to imagine a trans person wouldn't wish they just were born as cis.
Quote from: takotsubo on July 27, 2015, 04:00:28 PMI'm exhausted with thinking every time I see a woman roughly my age: "I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat".
Here I can offer alternative views -- one personal and one general.
Myself, I will always admire beautiful women. But my ego is too strong to actually want to swap lives or bodies with anyone. It would feel like giving up and deserting. And my ego won't accept that. On the other hand, there is also that part of cis female population that I can't imagine someone would like to trade bodies with. I seem to also notice them and thank dear god for not putting me in one of those bodies. It comes down to focusing at what I have first. Then on what I might have, and finally being aware of what I probably won't ever have.
But in the bigger picture, there are so many women with sure less than admirable bodies. It all comes down to how they present. That is what still makes them recognized as women. And that is my card too. When I get clocked anyway, I am like -- give me a break, I am doing my best here, so can you give me a hand and just leave me be??
Quote from: JoanneB on August 05, 2015, 11:33:42 PM
I am a former fatty with a ton of self image and self esteem problems as well as having had nearly a lifetime of "being a target". A few trips out into the real world were always too much salt in a still open wound as I hear snickers, get stares, or worse. No way did I want to sign up for a lifetime of that
I'm sorry to hear that. Do you feel better about yourself nowadays?
Quote from: JoanneB on August 05, 2015, 11:33:42 PM
You'll be hard pressed to find a woman with views on 'masculinity' like my wife's. She is about 25 years post-op.
She must have a good understanding of your situation then, even if she isn't thrilled by it?
Quote from: JoanneB on August 05, 2015, 11:33:42 PM
A lot of thanks goes to my wife who had tried for many many years to open my eyes to so many things in the world around me. She is a into metaphysics and a spiritual person as well as having looked death in the eye a few times starting at age 14 being told she'll never live to see her 21st birthday. The three times I came within a hairs breath of dying I generally had the WTF ??? Why not? Absurdity of life response to living. Having waaaaayyyyy too much free time on my hands a few years back I took what she has been saying to heart, did a lot of reading, a lot of self examination, got out of my "comfort zone" I was able to stay comfortably within thanks to the job(s) I had. A ton of self help books, and videos later as well as help from a special angel in my TG Support Group, a few things began to penetrate my very thick skull.
Well, the metaphysics and the spiritual aren't going to do much for me – I'm a devoted Skeptic. :D But even so, some self examination and getting out of my comfort zone could probably help me too.
Quote from: JoanneB on August 05, 2015, 11:33:42 PM
My first 3-4 years of struggling have been filled with PLENTY of WTF am I Doing ??? meltdowns. In the past when on low-dose the overwhelming drive to just be 'Normal' always led me to stopping as things downstairs got affected while being in a long term relationship with an SO.
Are the sexual side effects of HRT inevitable? I know testosteron has a central function for sex drive, but I mean, most cis women have no problems with that. Are trans women affected differently by similar blood concentrations?
Quote from: JoanneB on August 05, 2015, 11:33:42 PM
Being on HRT always made me feel better. After 6 months and a lot of things starting to click in my life I really didn't want to stop. The few times I did for a few weeks was absolute misery.
Okay, now I understand better what you mean. To me that sounds like HRT has a lot of good effects in your life, and that symptoms return when you go off the hormones. When you said HRT could be addictive I thought you meant in the way e.g. bensodiazepines are addictive - where your nervous system adapts and going off the drug induces symptoms that weren't there in the first place.
Quote from: JoanneB on August 05, 2015, 11:33:42 PM
I am so Thankful while at the same time totally hating not having the overwhelming feeling that I NEED to transition. I love what I do for a living and don't want to risk that on top of my wife's medical needs (Long story). After a few years of a lot of introspection, hard work, self discovery, and the joy of finally feeling like a real person; I achieved pretty much all what set out to 6 years ago. Finally these two great and seemingly disparate aspects of myself are conjoined into one mostly happy and health person. I lived part time as female for a few of those six years and hope to do so again as soon as circumstances permit me to. Right now I am generally at the 90% happy being who I am and my life point. Pretty good compared to the 10% I would have given it. Gender ID is an important aspect of it, but not the only, and not an overwhelming one. Can I continue to be happy as things are now? I think yes. If I do a full transition what do I gain vs what I may loose? What I do for a living is so much a part of me. I already know all too well the pain of loosing that part of me. (part of my hitting bottom 6 years ago). As well as I know the pain I'd feel loosing my wife, and our shared hopes, wishes and dreams.
/.../
Perhaps it is "The Big Picture" me. Perhaps the scared me. Perhaps the "Don't have a clue who I really am me" that keeps me on the path I am. But much like being trans, I don't dwell on the "why". The situation is what it is. The real problem is what can I and what am I going to do about it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; The courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference. Wisdom is the hard part.
Wisdom to know the difference is indeed the hard part. Still, being at a point where you feel 90 % happy with yourself and your life sounds like a pretty good situation. A lot better than many cis people I know. Feels good to know that you were able to reach that place without transition. Makes me feel more like I have options.
Quote from: Mariah2014 on August 07, 2015, 10:36:20 PM
It's definitely a big step, but most places are really good at helping so you will be in good hands. Hugs
Mariah
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
They seemed to find covering a beard shadow a bit of challenge. It didn't appear to be a common request. :D but I love how they did not even raise an eyebrow at the fact that I wanted to. Makes me very happy to live in this city and this decade.
Quote from: michellemartine on August 08, 2015, 02:06:55 AM
Myself, I will always admire beautiful women. But my ego is too strong to actually want to swap lives or bodies with anyone. It would feel like giving up and deserting. And my ego won't accept that.
Maybe I'll try to channel my ego and my stubbornness, then. :D They sure do apply to other situations, so why not this one?
Quote from: michellemartine on August 08, 2015, 02:06:55 AM
On the other hand, there is also that part of cis female population that I can't imagine someone would like to trade bodies with. I seem to also notice them and thank dear god for not putting me in one of those bodies. It comes down to focusing at what I have first. Then on what I might have, and finally being aware of what I probably won't ever have.
Yes, of course there are. And while I dislike so many things about my body (the fact that it's male, that I have a lot of body hair, that I'm tall and my shoulders wide, and so on...) I'm also thankful of things like a full head of hair, a lean body type, and a relatively feminine face. So I'm trying to be aware of what I have working for me, and I'm slowly moving into the realm of figuring out what I might be able to change for the better. I guess the hardest part is accepting what I will never have.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 29, 2015, 08:34:06 PM
Dealing with dysphoria is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have found that going for your dreams can help with dysphoria and provided hope. A gender therapist is a good start. HRT can be tried for 4 months to see how it helps. Going to group helps by meeting others that are like yourself and are dealing with the issues.
I have yet to meet a trans person that wants to be trans. Every trans person I have meet wants to be themselves.
It took me going to the edge to realize I just want to be myself and doing something about it.
Although I am happy with my male parts and not happy with my lack of female parts (at all , AT ALL) I am becoming more and more frustrated with my situation. I like me being both sexes. I only like females and that is fine with me. Strange when I don't fit anywhere, that includes friends and their feelings. I don't know if others feel this way but being myself is the best, whilst being around others is exhausting because it usually is being around folks that are either not aware, ignorant of others feelings in these matters or anywhere in between. Thank goodness I have a great wife who is fully understanding and rolls with the punches. So far...
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk