Just curious. What happens if you stop taking hormones all of the sudden?
I'm seeing my endocrinologist next week, but have kind of stopped my HRT because I'm planning on de transitioning.
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Uh oh. Care to elaborate on the decision to detransition? Nothing bad happened I hope?
Stopping hormones...depends how far down the road you are. No major physical changes and it's probably reversible/concealable. Significant boob growth may have to be surgically removed. Lord knows if shrunken balls can recover, but if not, you can always take testosterone to boost your levels back to normal male. As long as you've had no FFS, your face should return close to its normal male self (and the same goes for electrolysis.)
Hope it goes well. Can't have been an easy choice at all, and in all likelihood far harder than the decision to transition in the first place.
I have been conflicted the whole time. I never thought I was trans til very recently at 37. I'm 38 now.
It's possible I'm just a gay man who is very repressed/filled with shame.
In some ways I also feel like I'm not being true to myself.
I need my health to be in order and I want to be better connected with myself so I can be who I truly am.
Internally, I feel like a liar a lot of the time. Like its a performance.
I think I like wearing woman's clothes, but that doesn't make me trans.
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Here is my write up on my abrupt spironolactone stoppage:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,193981.msg1729090.html#msg1729090
I also stopped estrogen, prometrium and finasteride cold turkey, too. My wife says I am not my normal self, a bit morose and not as happy and upbeat. I feel tired a lot, too. Nothing reversing in body changes (like hair regrowth, testicular enlargement, etc.).
Good luck with your stoppage and detransition. I wish you the best!
Quote from: Sophie Lou on August 19, 2015, 01:35:21 PM
I have been conflicted the whole time. I never thought I was trans til very recently at 37. I'm 38 now.
It's possible I'm just a gay man who is very repressed/filled with shame.
In some ways I also feel like I'm not being true to myself.
I need my health to be in order and I want to be better connected with myself so I can be who I truly am.
Internally, I feel like a liar a lot of the time. Like its a performance.
I think I like wearing woman's clothes, but that doesn't make me trans.
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Having lived 37 years as male, it is no wonder that making such radical changes can sometimes feel like performance, or You feel like a lier. I sometimes feel like a fraud too. Wearing clothes has nothing to do with Your identity - whether You like female clothes, or not that much does not make You trans indeed, but that does not make any
less trans either. If You really feel like stopping HRT - go for it, and see how it feels (maybe You will be missing estrogen and Your body will tell what is right for it. But if You decide to take that decision, please be careful as full stop may cause Your system to act in quite unpredictable manner.
Oh, and btw, we have a member here - I cant remember her nickname, but it was variation of Joanne - she actually felt very much the same way - like probably being repressed gay man - but in the end she figured out that she was more like trans and did not stopped HRT on its tracks. In no way I am advocating that You should not detransition, but... there might a chance that the issues You are facing are more complex and You might wish to proceed with caution and explore all other options or causes for Your feelings.
I stopped abruptly after years of hrt in prep for surgery. I haven't noticed anything at all. No mood changes, no nothin. After a long time of hrt it's not a great idea to stop because your body needs "sex" hormones to maintain bones and blah blah But, it doesn't sound like you've been on hrt long enough to do anything.
If you want to stop, stop. More importantly though, places like this forum are about as reliable a source of factual information as a grade school playground. Medical questions are for Doctors, not the internet.
Good luck
Reading the title, I started shivering and tears rushed.
I thought this was about a girl having to stop hrt for because her body, e.g. liver couldn't take it. Thought it could happen to me, because here I can't get hormones without doc's approval.
Oh well, let me wipe the cheeks. I am glad you are 'just' detransitioning. Good luck with it.
Big hug, Sophie! I realize that detransitioners face a tougher, longer journey than most here. We are here to support you no matter where your path leads. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
I can understand your decision, I did exactly the same thing twenty years ago. About the worst thing that happened from stopping HRT cold turkey was that I started lactating. I agree you need to sort out your gender identity and how you want to live your life, the last thing you want to do is transition to female if you identify as male. I detransitioned for a lot of reasons, a primary one was that I thought I was just faking it, that if I just accepted I was born genetically male and got on with life as a man then things would be OK. That kind of worked for a short while...but look where I am now...!
Sophie! I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling conflicted! I want you to know that you are very beautiful though! I cannot tell you if detransitioning is the right thing for you, and you didn't ask for my opinion, but I feel compelled to tell you that the only right thing to do in your case is what is right for you! Obviously... LOL. What I mean though is that if you feel wrong, it may be because the hormones are causing you issues, or just the fact that you haven't fully adjusted yet to your new life. 37 years as a man is a lot of social and mental conditioning to overcome.
If you do stop HRT, I'd recommend a moderate taper and also consulting a therapist about your fears and feelings. Your feelings are not wrong, you feel them for a reason, but that doesn't mean that they're right either. When it comes to gender identity, you should do whatever makes you happy. Not for society's sake or other people's sake, for your own. That may sound a bit narcissistic, but your self-image is the most important thing in the world. If you aren't happy with yourself, how can you ever hope for other people to be happy with you?
Best of luck to you, like anything else on this journey it'll take time and soul searching to figure out. But don't let others pressure you into being something you're not. Be true to yourself.
And again, you're quite beautiful in your avatar pic. :) hugs!
Before you try to label yourself, give yourself permission to present as male when you want and female when you want. You may be somewhere on the spectrum between both or gender-fluid or neither, but I don't think you'll be able to figure it out without experimentation. Experimenting with drugs is dangerous, but clothes aren't for the most part.
I used to constantly battle with impostor syndrome. Part of what changed my perspective is that it's widely documented among many people, especially women. The fact I'm trans and that it bleeds into my insecurities is pretty normal. But in reality, I had to work to suppress a lot when I was a "guy." It was exhausting. Maybe get to a place where you don't feel like you have to perform your gender either way and stick there. Once you find your comfort zone, transition or de-transition to match it. Only you can figure out what is best for you.
The only thing I want to say is that the self-hating homosexual thing sounds a lot like: "it's a phase." I haven't actually heard any times it happened, except in Iran maybe, since they stone gay poor people. Most people de transition for external reasons, to my knowledge. That doesn't mean that these are the cases for you, we're all snowflakes and I'm just an armchair diagnostician. I'd highly recommend exploring therapy to find what you need to be happy. And I wish you all the luck in the world finding it!
Hugs,
- Katie
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Sophie,
We support you regardless of your decision and why you are doing it.
I recommend calling the doctor and explaining the med change before doing it.
You may want to consider seeing a gender therapist for a few months before changing your medication.
I appreciate all the thoughtful and supportive responses. Thank you.
I have all of this incredible rage and anger and self-hate. It's under the surface but permeates my being. I don't know how to free it. I can't seem to connect to my honest self. I don't trust myself or anyone...even though people are so loving and kind to me. I am so self absorbed. I just wanna be right and true so that I can be honest and real.
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Quote from: Sophie Lou on August 19, 2015, 01:35:21 PM
Internally, I feel like a liar a lot of the time. Like its a performance.
Me too, but not because of internal conflict. Just because I totally hate my face, body, voice and I wish I was born a girl like my two cis sisters. I need makeup, clothes, smiling, lots of things to "get into character" that really don't come so natural to me, because of so many years of living in the wrong gender. I just cannot get rid of those memories. All that bad stuff is buried in my sub-conscious mind, manifesting itself in social awkwardness, self-consciousness, insecurity and in recurring and never-ending nightmares, every single night. Yet in spite of all that conflict, I'd do anything to be accepted as female one day.
Just curious, is it you in the picture? If so, I am sorry to say I just can't imagine you as a "guy", forgive my straightforwardness.
Cheers
Bibi B.
I will say this: You are the only one that truly knows what you need. If you talk with your doctors and or therapist, then you will know where you are. If you feel that you need to stop, I, along with others here, hope you the best. This life we live is very difficult.
I went back and reviewed all of your post attempting to understand what was going on in your life so I could write something that would be useful. I still have much I don't understand but I do understand some of what is happening to you.
For most of us, transsexualism has been a companion for a very long time. Even people who come to terms with it latter in life know they had a history from when they were much younger. That makes it clear in our head that it isn't going away and even in our weak moment we know the feelings we felt will come back at the same force we once felt them. That is what keeps our transition on track even when we are unsure of continuing.
You state you have only felt the feelings for a couple of years which make you different that most of us, but it doesn't determine that you are or are not transexual. What you are feeling could also indicate you are non binary. I am not really sure the life you had before you started down this road is right for you but I don't have a clue what is right for you.
I would suggest you remain in therapy with a gender therapist while your hormones return to their original levels as I am not really sure what will happen to your thoughts and feelings. You are going to have much to explore and I also fear that depression could occur. Also follow up with your Endo so you are aware of your hormone levels before you might make the decision to discontinue therapy. The care you had that got you to where you are today will be needed as you detransition because you have made one attempt to resolve your issues, and you feel it has failed. You may have the feeling that there is no place in life for you but that isn't true. What is true is that you may not have found it yet.
I wish you all the best and take care of your self. If you need to talk, you know where to find us.
Quote from: Sophie Lou on August 19, 2015, 01:35:21 PM
Internally, I feel like a liar a lot of the time. Like its a performance.
First of all, I sincerely wish you all the best, and I will give you a BIG HUG.
But this kind of struck me.
Personally, I haven't had that feeling at all. Yes, sometimes I did feel like my efforts were in vain. But now, I have smoothed most of that out and I really don't worry about what people think. In fact, going full time has taken all the effort out of presenting. It's literally now just get up in the morning, get ready and go. I really don't make a big deal out of it now and thinking of it that way for me was just plain weird. When I cross dressed I would always feel like I'm accomplishing something, like painting a picture or building something. Now, I am just, meh.
I am sad that you're detransitioning but maybe that is what you need to see if you're trans or if you're a gay man who likes to wear women's clothing.
Be happy. :)
I'm kind of in the middle right now (gender presentation-wise) my hair is still long and I have andro clothes and will probably stay here and feel things out (see a therapist and try to stop worrying constantly)before I pull the plug on transitioning. I think one good thing is that I'm caring less what people think of me visually. That seems positive.
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One of the good points about thinking about it for 10 years without doing nothing, is that I had the time to clear up pretty much everything that needed to be. I think most trans rush into transition without being mentally fully prepared, and some issues that could have been dealt with before are being painfully dealt with in the spur of the moment. (well at least there is no time lost in the process :D )
I'm no advocate for waiting. Anyway. :)
That being said, I'm only 3 monthes into HRT now, and just discovered I've been in love with a man for a long time now (like 10 or 15 years -_- ) without even noticing it. So I started wondering if I was not a gay man all the time. But as I thought about it, all the things that led me to transition came to resurface, and I clearly understood that no, I was not just a gay man.
Now determining what part of me was the real reason of my transition was difficult and took me years. I had to eliminate all the fake or side-effects reasons to find out that it was, clearly, just a problem of me and my body, and the way we were, for some reason, unable to interact.
I wouldn't make love with a man as a man. That wouldn't work for me. Beside, I'm bisexual so it's not only a problem with men. I managed to successfuly make love countless times with women, but something always felt wrong.
I'm just very bad at being a man, physically speaking. That's all there is to it. I feel at home when I have boobs, a vagina, fluffy cheeks and a lot less body hair. Don't ask me why. It's just the way it is.
Maybe I am a sort of gay man - honnestly, that's fine by me. I still need transition, gay or not. So I don't care. That's how I feel good so I'll do it. That's my identity, whether or not it was created by genetics, education, or total randomness... I don't really care.
Hope you'll find your answers !
(PS: you're lovely as a girl. I know it won't help if you stop transitionning, but at least I am not lying)
Quote from: Sophie Lou on August 20, 2015, 08:23:11 PM
I'm kind of in the middle right now (gender presentation-wise) my hair is still long and I have andro clothes and will probably stay here and feel things out (see a therapist and try to stop worrying constantly)before I pull the plug on transitioning. I think one good thing is that I'm caring less what people think of me visually. That seems positive.
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It's great that you are able to care less about what other people think, that can help a lot in worrying less. I hope you can get rid of the anger and self-hate you described in your earlier post, it can mess with your head in ways you may not even realize yet. Good luck in your journey!
I'd suggest taking some time to live without gender. To me, transitioning has always been more about feeling comfortable in my body without clothing. It hasn't been about wearing make up or dresses (though I do like my dresses) because to me that's nothing to do with womanhood.
Try presenting as a masculine woman, try androgynous woman. Try masculine, feminine and androgynous man.
Or feel free to disregard this advice. You know your needs, and I'm sure you can make a decision as to what is best.
As long as your testes are still functional you should be fine stopping HRT. You'll go through dramatic changes, essentially like a trans man. I'd say if you've been on HRT longer than six months or a year then you might have some complications. Most trans women do back out after three months though, and seem to be fine.
Hi Sophie,
I'm a babe in all this, though sadly not so much in looks (jokes), and there's some great advice above from people on here with years more experience than me. FWIW, by the way, Kristina's right: you look really beautiful.
Okay, I went cold turkey 4 months back after just 6 months full works. I've posted elsewhere why this happened but I had a nasty medical turn and span out. I was really scared that day, probably should have called 911, and I sort-of mentally told myself I'd never do the HRT again. Well, a month after that I did go back onto anti-androgens and I'm taking it much more carefully with an endo lined up next.
So my cold turkey was for different reasons and I was only on them for 6 months. However, I was on high dosages and had really big effects happening: breasts were really growing with big buds behind the nipples and a number of other things like elimination of sperm.
Did I notice anything from going cold turkey? No not at all. I began to feel better but there were no other side effects that I noticed from coming off the HRT regime. Whoever posted earlier about the need to see a medic is right though imho. This is part of the stupid mistake I made and I'd say that for both going on and coming off HRT please go and see someone professional.
On the other more substantive point, it's really interesting. I feel like I'm trapped in a man's body so cross-dressing isn't enough for me. I feel feminine and want to be feminine. But I don't find men attractive (well, one part aside ;) ). I think those who transition sometimes, maybe, need to be careful not to be like the old ex-smokers in evangelical zeal. No-one on this forum is like that, but if you know what I mean, there's actually a big grey area of gender not just M or F which is one thing I'm not sure about with the MtF tag. Thai Katoey have for years existed with functioning penises and beautiful femininity but I'm not even referring to that: gender is really fluid and a lot of people exist 'somewhere' between the two poles of Male and Female. I'm not really sure what those terms mean or whether they actually exist except as means of power: you know 'boxes' and 'labels' by which societies control. What I'm trying to encourage for you is not necessarily to think that you are transitioning or de-transitioning. Come off the HRT as it sounds like that's right for you now, but don't necessarily see this as two starkly contrasting polarities. You could be somewhere in-between and, you know what, that's just fine. Love yourself for who you are. x
A week after I started estrogen, I got scared and stopped. Estrogen sickness plus self-doubt are what did it. And after a week of THAT, I missed the feeling of estrogen so much that I started again. Good luck in finding the realest, most authentic path for yourself. Your heart knows what's best.
PS: If it's pot that's telling you transitioning is wrong, don't listen to it. Pot is lying to you.
Hi Sophie;
Earlier this year, I had a bit of Health scare (well actually last November) They thought it might be a Heart issue. Anyway my Doctor wanted me to stop HRT whilst they tried to understand what was happening. What they forgot to tell me was that I should cycle down. The period I was off was just under 4 months. Luckily I got the all clear. It turned out it was stress related not a heart condition, but it had raised my blood pressure - a problem I had never had before. Anyway I learnt my lesson from the episode and slowly cycled up to where I am today back on my "almost" transitioning dose.
Anyway what was it like. Well I made the mistake of stopping the HRT dead. Within 6 days I started producing breast milk and I was lactating profusely. In the mornings my PJ tops or nightdresses were soaked in milk. Eventually after about 1 month the milk stopped, but the return of the dysphoria was horrendous. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Much better to cycle down to something more manageable.
I appreciate all your stories and experiences. I've been doing 1/2 dosage for about 3 weeks. I saw my endo yesterday and she gave me good advice. I can stop if I want, I just need to listen to my body.
I'm in an androgynous place, presentation-wise.
I have really been convinced that I have a narcissistic personality disorder. I have read quite a bit and it really resonates with me (which is disturbing).
I dissociate constantly (especially when others are talking...I was diagnosed with dissociative disorder about 7 years ago)If it's not about me, I start thinking about me. I can't believe I never noticed this pattern over the last 12-? years. I have major anger/rage issues hidden underneath my quiet/sensitive demeanor. I depend heavily on other peoples resources. I am manipulative (can't believe I didn't notice this before). It seems impossible to find my true self. I always battle (cannot make a decision for the life of me). It's like I have no center. No heart. My empathy for other people seems forced and I am so self absorbed that I don't really think of other people.
I hyper-vigilantly police myself to do and say the right thing that is appropriate and I believe I often do it out of safety reasons and possibly for narcissistic supply.
I don't feel seen, by myself or by others. I have an underlying dread that I am never safe and rarely feel grounded. I'm always just trying to keep up so that no one sees the real me.
I have cut off very supportive and lovely people from my life.
I can't find "me" for the life of me. I have experienced trauma in my life but not sure how much.
I have generalized anxiety disorder.
Dad was/is an alcoholic with narcissistic tendencies, mom died of cancer many years ago. One of my sisters has some similar issues(sensitive, gentle, narcissistic, very codependant)... but she has a family.
I'm divorced from a woman (5 years ago, her choice). I had major codependency issues.
My apt burned down in October and my cat died. I have been living off others and ever since.
I had a rare moment where I expressed genuine love and empathy for the people I live with...it came after a SexPositive talent show that I went to (after trans support group). Something about sexuality might have opened up my real feelings...I don't know.
I have a desperate hope that expressing attraction-to-men sexuality (which has been absent since I started transitioning & barely explored prior) might unlock some secret door and harmonize me to a degree.
I'm so terrified of even thinking about it that I don't know how to express/explore it in the real world.
But I could be blowing smoke up my ass.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to discern between what is real and not real, what is true and what is false. It's insanity. I'd give anything to be able to know my truth.
I can't make life decisions on many levels, and after I do commit to something, it always feels like I made the wrong choice (and people are possibly hurt and I'm lost)
The NPD would explain so much but it leaves me with little hope to heal or find a way to be a real, grounded, living human being.
I feel like an absolute child inside, just looking for protection, resources, and comfort. I also notice a lot of self-hate.
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It is possible for transsexualism to exist with other mental issues. Therapy is required as a part of the treatment in order to locate other issues that might result in a poor outcome when dealing with transsexual issues. At this point, you should continue therapy and avoid anything that would prevent you from returning to either male or female role. When your other issues have been brought under control, come back to the question of sexual identity and make the decision with a clear mind.
If you have the funds/resources, go take a vacation for just a couple of days somewhere new, out of town, and go by yourself.
Take the time to really do a lot of soul searching.
You'll be okay :)
Hugs
Honnestly it just sounds a lot about my life, except that I don't have any "disorder". You know most people do just what you describe, especially the ones that are forced to deal with gender dysphoria. You create barriers and defense mechanisms. The type of defense depends on the person.
Not knowing what is true or not, what is real or not, these are typical of someone who no longers knows who he/she is. I had a long period like that, and I know transpersons who got exactly that feeling too. When you are forced to wear a mask for a long time and all the time, you somehow become the mask. Then you have to relearn the difference between what's real and what's fake. In the meanwhile, you're lost.
As for "disorders"... Psy-persons have disorders names prepared for everything. But the answers you are seeking can only be found in yourself. In the end, you are the only one who can heal youself - they can't.
You seem pretty smart and your self-analysis is good. You are everything but mentally ill. You should just continue to look for your answers. Find your happiness, find your humanity. From what you said, you seem to be on the right track to find them.
:-*
Quote from: Dena on August 27, 2015, 06:43:06 PM
.When your other issues have been brought under control, come back to the question of sexual identity and make the decision with a clear mind.
Dena, did you mean "come back to the question of gender identity?"
I'm not seeing a therapist. I'm on Medicaid and have been waiting for a month to get into a health center where there are therapists. Today they cancelled my 30 minute phone interview to determine a good therapist and pushed it to next week. Ugh.
(I was seeing a somatic therapist regularly for awhile, and that's how I got to/thru some of my transition. But I cannot afford to pay out of pocket anymore.)
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Quote from: Sophie Lou on August 27, 2015, 08:48:34 PM
Dena, did you mean "come back to the question of gender identity?"
I don't think you are CIS but I am not really sure where on the gender spectrum you are. Only you can answer that question. The problem is you have a laundry list of other conditions that should be addressed before taking on your final decision on gender identity. Several of the items on the list might prevent you from making a truthful evaluation of your gender status putting you at risk of treatment failure.
I suspect your decision to quit hormones is based on some of the issues in your list. In treating the other conditions you may decide to continue your transition or you may understand why the transition is wrong for you. At this point you should avoid snap decisions because I suspect your viewpoint will change in the future.
Thanks Dena, that means a lot. I really appreciate your input.
I've not stopped hormones, I've halved my dosage. I'm kinda living in the middle of the spectrum right now.
I'm gonna stay here til I feel compelled to change that.
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Your welcome and I am glad I could help.
Quote from: Ange on August 27, 2015, 08:46:59 PM
Honnestly it just sounds a lot about my life, except that I don't have any "disorder". You know most people do just what you describe, especially the ones that are forced to deal with gender dysphoria. You create barriers and defense mechanisms. The type of defense depends on the person.
Not knowing what is true or not, what is real or not, these are typical of someone who no longers knows who he/she is. I had a long period like that, and I know transpersons who got exactly that feeling too. When you are forced to wear a mask for a long time and all the time, you somehow become the mask. Then you have to relearn the difference between what's real and what's fake. In the meanwhile, you're lost.
As for "disorders"... Psy-persons have disorders names prepared for everything. But the answers you are seeking can only be found in yourself. In the end, you are the only one who can heal youself - they can't.
You seem pretty smart and your self-analysis is good. You are everything but mentally ill. You should just continue to look for your answers. Find your happiness, find your humanity. From what you said, you seem to be on the right track to find them.
:-*
Thank you, Ange.
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Hi Sophie,
For some reason I didn't pick up the notification of your longer reply about yourself ^^^.
Professional therapy does sound like the right step. That sucks about the cancellation so hold on in there until next week. What someone said about, effectively, being kind to yourself sounds good advice too: getting away or listening to music or whatever works to make you happier. Love yourself. That's fine and not narcissistic: seriously. You've listed lots of negatives but I'd love you to make a list of all the things that are great about yourself. You are lovely, truly, so love yourself too x.
I stop HRT every once in a while . I stopped a few weeks ago because of surgery and I stop if for various reasons like running out , but it only lasts a week and at the end of the week I definitely feel the lack of estrogen.
Hiya Sophie
hugs
There have been many times in my life certainly over the last 20 years nearly, where I did, had some sort of reality/fear episode and reverted back to trying to be the model male... well, in reality, for me it was always trying to put off an inevitable scenario. Even over the last 12 years of HRT (works slower as you get older, well did for me) I had times of "what the hell am I doing" living in my androgynous clothes, cross dressing etc Had breaks from HRT whilst away oversea's, yes changes occurred even after a couple of years between, well the breaks were 4 weeks, 3 weeks and 2 weeks, the last showed no change, the 3 weeks a little stirring of downstairs, the month's break showed more stirring downstairs and a slight change in breast shape, but not size.
Anyway the fact is that no matter what I did or thought I could not run away from myself, sure for most of my life I hid behind the male role model (hating every moment of it), but that was it, it was hiding.
But I do agree that maybe a break from the pressures of HRT and transitioning, because in reality that's exactly where you mind is at, try and feel where your comfort factor is, where/what situation makes you feel the most relaxed and happy, because at the end of the day, its your health and well being that is of primary importance to you.
In any case please continue being part of us, regardless of an choices you make.
hugs
Katy
^^^^ Love this post ^^^^
By the way, did those of you who came off HRT then went back on notice your body being much more receptive after the break? I had a break and then resumed low dose oestrogen and my breasts, esp nipples, responded immediately with that numb feeling and growth i.e. much more quickly than when you first start out. I guess there's probably some science behind that but this isn't just imagination on my part.
Yep, that was definitely the upside :laugh:
Katy xx
Quote from: Sophie Lou on August 27, 2015, 11:02:38 PM
Thanks Dena, that means a lot. I really appreciate your input.
I've not stopped hormones, I've halved my dosage. I'm kinda living in the middle of the spectrum right now.
I'm gonna stay here til I feel compelled to change that.
I have done exactly that two times and that kind of helped to get some sense about what going on with me. About one week later I woke up with morning erection + package of dysphoric feelings as strong and sharp as they were in my childhood and got back on full dosage of HRT the very same day...
Well, if that is you in your avatar, you surely look female... maybe sometimes we just need some confirmation
Ive been going off and on, not hormones, just mentally over who I am for years
Ill get very close to going full time, then abruptly stop the process, usually throwing all my girl things in the trash
This time is the best I feel about it and maybe you need to bounce back and forth to know what you really need.
I dont think its the wrong thing.
I know I didnt answer your actual question, as I dont know...
The strapline of this forum is pretty cool isn't it?
'We stand at the crossroads of gender, balanced on the sharp edge of a knife.'
I went to my trans woman support group last night, had a lot of my fears relieved after a discussion with a fellow trans woman with similar repressive tendencies. I also talked with a psychic intuitive friend whom I deeply admire and trust(she is the real deal). She told me that I have been holding myself in a self imposed prison out of fear, and that I have high integrity and am not stealing energy.
This all was an enormous relief and I can feel some of my walls crumbling last night and an energy breaking through.
I've talked to therapists who specialize in Narcissism and they seem to think (like others I have confessed to) that I'm lovely and doing an incredible job.
I'm going to start and reaching out to people I have cut off and not hide my feminine self, or shy away from my attraction to men in conversation.
A lot of this panic started many months ago when I was kind of rejected by my family from visiting them in Chicago as my trans self. It through me off the rails and I kind of unplugged. About 3 weeks ago I went and visited Chicago for the first time since transitioning and stayed with an old neighbor (and fellow repressed traveler who has family rejection in her cocktail).
It was terrifying and confusing. I was very guarded when meeting with a sister and then a cousin on separate occasions over dinner.
I'm pretty proud of my risk taking in the face of overwhelming fear.
My other sister whom I have been close with over the years wouldn't meet me, which was so sad but a relief from a fear level.
I did everything I could to let her off the hook and told her I missed her (and loved her even after she said she wouldn't meet me after I traveled across the country to see family.
I am going to start being on my side more and not try to protect others from me.
I'm a Reiki practitioner and that is so healing to me and my life. I was almost going to abandon that, even, because I thought I was toxic. Turns out that isn't the case at all. So that is an unbelievable relief.
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A member of my group did not realize she was trans until her 30's. Yes many of us sort of know at 4-5, others somewhere in their teens, more later, and then the "Late Transitioners" of many flavors. At over six years into this journey I mostly know and embrace that I am trans. Being trans is a broad spectrum between cis-female and cis-male. I also realize I am still not yet a member of the Transition or Die club.
Yet I have had plenty of WTF am I Doing ??? episodes my first few years. Often leading to a temporary, up to several months stopping of HRT, cold turkey. Usually leading to a lot more emotional upset then before. About 2-3 years based on my lab work, E levels and age I figured I didn't need an AA anymore. Well, slowly over a year my T creeped up to low-normal. Also creeping up was my depression, sense of futility and hopelessness, and episodes of WTF-isms. Back on spiro and life is better
Thanks for the update Sophie and it's such great news about your positivity. The family side of things sounds really tough but I love your energy break through. All power to you and long may it continue.
Chen xx
It's really great to hear that you're figuring things out. I too wanted to detransition due to extrinsic reasons. Stress from family issues and being under constant financial duress finally made me break, and that break was me thinking I had a mental break and thus why I wanted to transition in the first place. It turned out to be quite the opposite when I finally got the family issues under control and finances figured out.
Those "I'm a woman and I desperately need to look and feel like one" feelings returned pretty quickly and now I'm back on that horse and I'm not stopping. I still wear a beard, I'm completely repressed and in fear of rejection at home, but that's not going to stop me at all. Nothing lasts forever, right?
So keep on keepin' on, sweet heart. You got this. :)
Something I've noticed that seems to keep cropping up is the whole early vs late transitioners thing.. Except that I'm not convinced it's really a thing.
I came out at 35 and started my transition. Does that make me a late transitioner? Possibly, but it fails to take in to account the fact I've known something wasn't right since I was 12. I didn't say anything back then because, frankly, it wasn't a time that I could have said anything and had a meaningful result. Hell, I wasn't even 100% sure I knew what was wrong. I knew trans women in my early 20's, but that wasn't me, couldn't be me, nuh uh, no way. It wasn't until I hit my 30's and did some proper research and educated myself that I finally acknowledged what had been wrong all that time and did something about it. And, it took a good 2-3 years for me to stop having second thoughts about my transition fairly regularly.
Probably depends on what you're on. Androcur is pretty rough to be stopping suddenly, it is recommended to taper it if possible.
Today I put on "girls" clothes for the first time in many weeks. It's like this deep feeling of relief. I started crying too.
It makes me feel "safer" to wear women's clothes at home. When I'm out in the world it is different. I really don't pass without a wig and my brows are thick again.
Does anyone else have that a safety feeling at home with women's clothes on? It's the similar relief to the smoothly shaved, clean face.
I think it might be the gay boy side of me just feeling safer as a woman and being femme, than a man?
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I come home and immediately strip off the slacks and polo from work that I have to wear and put on a pair of booty shorts and a baggy girl's t-shirt. The form fitting nature of it all brings me so much relief, it's indescribable really.
Being out in public like that takes a little more confidence, and wearing a dress even moreso, but professional female attire, blouse, pants, heels, etc... is so easy for me now, and I actually feel more uncomfortable wearing men's clothes.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to dress nicely and in form fitting clothes. If you've got the body, flaunt it girl! That's how I feel about it anyways. My structured wonder bras do a wonderful job too for now of balancing out all of it. I definitely don't look right in a girl's shirt without breasts, lol!
So yeah, girl clothes give me peace of mind and comfort. It's just more natural feeling.
I always wear girls clothes at home and never wear men's underwear home or away (yuck I hate it!). I'm with Kristina on this: it's definitely such a liberating feeling isn't it? But outside at the moment I tend to go for more androgynous outer wear: I see that as part of the transition process. My nails are long and painted though, and that often gets a reaction :) Something a cisfemale said to me is how about painting one finger nail e.g. the little finger and then maybe later gradually do the others neutral colour to start ith. Even have your little pinkies painted I find liberating. x
Nothing works better to vanquish the sad old man I sometimes see in the mirror then seeing the pretty good looking old dinosaur and the Just Perfect feeling
I think what you are feeling when you are home is comfort with who you really are. When you walk out the door you lose control over your environment and there is a bit of fear of the unknown. It can take a long time for the fear to pass but some is natural. For me, after a long day of driving, job pressure or dealing with the public, just getting behind your own 4 walls and shutting the world out can be relaxing. I am naturally an introvert and facing the public isn't my first choice of places to spend my time but over the years I have worked on equalizing my comfort level between public and private so I am almost as comfortable in public as private.