Stopping HRT

[Ara]

I'd suggest taking some time to live without gender.  To me, transitioning has always been more about feeling comfortable in my body without clothing.  It hasn't been about wearing make up or dresses (though I do like my dresses) because to me that's nothing to do with womanhood.
Try presenting as a masculine woman, try androgynous woman.  Try masculine, feminine and androgynous man. 

Or feel free to disregard this advice.  You know your needs, and I'm sure you can make a decision as to what is best.

As long as your testes are still functional you should be fine stopping HRT.  You'll go through dramatic changes, essentially like a trans man.  I'd say if you've been on HRT longer than six months or a year then you might have some complications.  Most trans women do back out after three months though, and seem to be fine. 

[Richenda]

Hi Sophie,

I'm a babe in all this, though sadly not so much in looks (jokes), and there's some great advice above from people on here with years more experience than me. FWIW, by the way, Kristina's right: you look really beautiful.

Okay, I went cold turkey 4 months back after just 6 months full works. I've posted elsewhere why this happened but I had a nasty medical turn and span out. I was really scared that day, probably should have called 911, and I sort-of mentally told myself I'd never do the HRT again. Well, a month after that I did go back onto anti-androgens and I'm taking it much more carefully with an endo lined up next.

So my cold turkey was for different reasons and I was only on them for 6 months. However, I was on high dosages and had really big effects happening: breasts were really growing with big buds behind the nipples and a number of other things like elimination of sperm.

Did I notice anything from going cold turkey? No not at all. I began to feel better but there were no other side effects that I noticed from coming off the HRT regime. Whoever posted earlier about the need to see a medic is right though imho. This is part of the stupid mistake I made and I'd say that for both going on and coming off HRT please go and see someone professional.

On the other more substantive point, it's really interesting. I feel like I'm trapped in a man's body so cross-dressing isn't enough for me. I feel feminine and want to be feminine. But I don't find men attractive (well, one part aside ). I think those who transition sometimes, maybe, need to be careful not to be like the old ex-smokers in evangelical zeal. No-one on this forum is like that, but if you know what I mean, there's actually a big grey area of gender not just M or F which is one thing I'm not sure about with the MtF tag. Thai Katoey have for years existed with functioning penises and beautiful femininity but I'm not even referring to that: gender is really fluid and a lot of people exist 'somewhere' between the two poles of Male and Female. I'm not really sure what those terms mean or whether they actually exist except as means of power: you know 'boxes' and 'labels' by which societies control. What I'm trying to encourage for you is not necessarily to think that you are transitioning or de-transitioning. Come off the HRT as it sounds like that's right for you now, but don't necessarily see this as two starkly contrasting polarities. You could be somewhere in-between and, you know what, that's just fine. Love yourself for who you are. x

[MugwortPsychonaut]

A week after I started estrogen, I got scared and stopped. Estrogen sickness plus self-doubt are what did it. And after a week of THAT, I missed the feeling of estrogen so much that I started again. Good luck in finding the realest, most authentic path for yourself. Your heart knows what's best.

PS: If it's pot that's telling you transitioning is wrong, don't listen to it. Pot is lying to you.

[judithlynn]

Hi Sophie;
Earlier this year, I had a bit of Health scare (well actually last November) They thought it might be a Heart issue. Anyway my Doctor wanted me to stop HRT whilst they tried to understand what was happening. What they forgot to tell me was that I should cycle down. The period I was off was just under 4 months. Luckily I got the all clear. It turned out it was stress related not a heart condition, but it had raised my blood pressure - a problem I had never had before. Anyway I learnt my lesson from the episode and slowly cycled up to where I am today back on my "almost" transitioning dose.

Anyway what was it like. Well I made the mistake of stopping the HRT dead. Within 6 days I started producing breast milk and I was lactating profusely. In the mornings my PJ tops or nightdresses were soaked in milk. Eventually after about 1 month the milk stopped, but the return of the dysphoria was horrendous. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Much better to cycle down  to something more manageable.

[Sophie Lou]

I appreciate all your stories and experiences. I've been doing 1/2 dosage for about 3 weeks. I saw my endo yesterday and she gave me good advice. I can stop if I want, I just need to listen to my body.
I'm in an androgynous place, presentation-wise.
I have really been convinced that I have a narcissistic personality disorder. I have read quite a bit and it really resonates with me (which is disturbing).
I dissociate constantly (especially when others are talking...I was diagnosed with dissociative disorder about 7 years ago)If it's not about me, I start thinking about me. I can't believe I never noticed this pattern over the last 12-? years. I have major anger/rage issues hidden underneath my quiet/sensitive demeanor. I depend heavily on other peoples resources. I am manipulative (can't believe I didn't notice this before). It seems impossible to find my true self. I always battle (cannot make a decision for the life of me). It's like I have no center. No heart. My empathy for other people seems forced and I am so self absorbed that I don't really think of other people.
I hyper-vigilantly police myself to do and say the right thing that is appropriate and I believe I often do it out of safety reasons and possibly for narcissistic supply.
I don't feel seen, by myself or by others. I have an underlying dread that I am never safe and rarely feel grounded. I'm always just trying to keep up so that no one sees the real me.
I have cut off very supportive and lovely people from my life.
I can't find "me" for the life of me. I have experienced trauma in my life but not sure how much.
I have generalized anxiety disorder.

Dad was/is an alcoholic with narcissistic tendencies, mom died of cancer many years ago. One of my sisters has some similar issues(sensitive, gentle, narcissistic, very codependant)... but she has a family.

I'm divorced from a woman (5 years ago, her choice). I had major codependency issues.

My apt burned down in October and my cat died. I have been living off others and ever since.

I had a rare moment where I expressed genuine love and empathy for the people I live with...it came after a SexPositive talent show that I went to (after trans support group). Something about sexuality might have opened up my real feelings...I don't know.
I have a desperate hope that expressing attraction-to-men sexuality (which has been absent since I started transitioning & barely explored prior) might unlock some secret door and harmonize me to a degree.
I'm so terrified of even thinking about it that I don't know how to express/explore it in the real world.
But I could be blowing smoke up my ass.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how to discern between what is real and not real, what is true and what is false. It's insanity. I'd give anything to be able to know my truth.

I can't make life decisions on many levels, and after I do commit to something, it always feels like I made the wrong choice (and people are possibly hurt and I'm lost)

The NPD would explain so much but it leaves me with little hope to heal or find a way to be a real, grounded, living human being.

I feel like an absolute child inside, just looking for protection, resources, and comfort. I also notice a lot of self-hate.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Dena]

It is possible for transsexualism to exist with other mental issues. Therapy is required as a part of the treatment in order to locate other issues that might result in a poor outcome when dealing with transsexual issues. At this point, you should continue therapy and avoid anything that would prevent you from returning to either male or female role. When your other issues have been brought under control, come back to the question of sexual identity and make the decision with a clear mind.

[Ⓥ]

If you have the funds/resources, go take a vacation for just a couple of days somewhere new, out of town, and go by yourself.

Take the time to really do a lot of soul searching.

You'll be okay

[iKate]

Hugs

[Ange]

Honnestly it just sounds a lot about my life, except that I don't have any "disorder". You know most people do just what you describe, especially the ones that are forced to deal with gender dysphoria. You create barriers and defense mechanisms. The type of defense depends on the person.

Not knowing what is true or not, what is real or not, these are typical of someone who no longers knows who he/she is. I had a long period like that, and I know transpersons who got exactly that feeling too. When you are forced to wear a mask for a long time and all the time, you somehow become the mask. Then you have to relearn the difference between what's real and what's fake. In the meanwhile, you're lost.

As for "disorders"... Psy-persons have disorders names prepared for everything. But the answers you are seeking can only be found in yourself. In the end, you are the only one who can heal youself - they can't.

You seem pretty smart and your self-analysis is good. You are everything but mentally ill. You should just continue to look for your answers. Find your happiness, find your humanity. From what you said, you seem to be on the right track to find them.

 

[Sophie Lou]

.When your other issues have been brought under control, come back to the question of sexual identity and make the decision with a clear mind.

Dena, did you mean "come back to the question of gender identity?"

I'm not seeing a therapist. I'm on Medicaid and have been waiting for a month to get into a health center where there are therapists. Today they cancelled my 30 minute phone interview to determine a good therapist and pushed it to next week. Ugh.

(I was seeing a somatic therapist regularly for awhile, and that's how I got to/thru some of my transition. But I cannot afford to pay out of pocket anymore.)




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Dena]

Dena, did you mean "come back to the question of gender identity?"

I don't think you are CIS but I am not really sure where on the gender spectrum you are. Only you can answer that question. The problem is you have a laundry list of other conditions that should be addressed before taking on your final decision on gender identity. Several of the items on the list might prevent you from making a truthful evaluation of your gender status putting you at risk of treatment failure.

I suspect your decision to quit hormones is based on some of the issues in your list. In treating the other conditions you may decide to continue your transition or you may understand why the transition is wrong for you. At this point you should avoid snap decisions because I suspect your viewpoint will change in the future.

[Sophie Lou]

Thanks Dena,  that means a lot. I really appreciate your input.

I've not stopped hormones, I've halved my dosage. I'm kinda living in the middle of the spectrum right now.
I'm gonna stay here til I feel compelled to change that.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Dena]

Your welcome and I am glad I could help.

[Sophie Lou]

Honnestly it just sounds a lot about my life, except that I don't have any "disorder". You know most people do just what you describe, especially the ones that are forced to deal with gender dysphoria. You create barriers and defense mechanisms. The type of defense depends on the person.

Not knowing what is true or not, what is real or not, these are typical of someone who no longers knows who he/she is. I had a long period like that, and I know transpersons who got exactly that feeling too. When you are forced to wear a mask for a long time and all the time, you somehow become the mask. Then you have to relearn the difference between what's real and what's fake. In the meanwhile, you're lost.

As for "disorders"... Psy-persons have disorders names prepared for everything. But the answers you are seeking can only be found in yourself. In the end, you are the only one who can heal youself - they can't.

You seem pretty smart and your self-analysis is good. You are everything but mentally ill. You should just continue to look for your answers. Find your happiness, find your humanity. From what you said, you seem to be on the right track to find them.

 

Thank you, Ange.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Richenda]

Hi Sophie,

For some reason I didn't pick up the notification of your longer reply about yourself ^^^.

Professional therapy does sound like the right step. That sucks about the cancellation so hold on in there until next week. What someone said about, effectively, being kind to yourself sounds good advice too: getting away or listening to music or whatever works to make you happier. Love yourself. That's fine and not narcissistic: seriously. You've listed lots of negatives but I'd love you to make a list of all the things that are great about yourself. You are lovely, truly, so love yourself too x.

[stephaniec]

I stop HRT every once in a while . I stopped a few weeks ago because of surgery and I stop if for various reasons like running out , but it only lasts a week and at the end of the week I definitely feel the lack of estrogen.

[katrinaw]

Hiya Sophie

hugs

There have been many times in my life certainly over the last 20 years nearly, where I did, had some sort of reality/fear episode and reverted back to trying to be the model male... well, in reality, for me it was always trying to put off an inevitable scenario. Even over the last 12 years of HRT (works slower as you get older, well did for me) I had times of "what the hell am I doing" living in my androgynous clothes, cross dressing etc Had breaks from HRT whilst away oversea's, yes changes occurred even after a couple of years between, well the breaks were 4 weeks, 3 weeks and 2 weeks, the last showed no change, the 3 weeks a little stirring of downstairs, the month's break showed more stirring downstairs and a slight change in breast shape, but not size.

Anyway the fact is that no matter what I did or thought I could not run away from myself, sure for most of my life I hid behind the male role model (hating every moment of it), but that was it, it was hiding.

But I do agree that maybe a break from the pressures of HRT and transitioning, because in reality that's exactly where you mind is at, try and feel where your comfort factor is, where/what situation makes you feel the most relaxed and happy, because at the end of the day, its your health and well being that is of primary importance to you.

In any case please continue being part of us, regardless of an choices you make.

hugs

Katy

[Richenda]

^^^^ Love this post ^^^^

By the way, did those of you who came off HRT then went back on notice your body being much more receptive after the break? I had a break and then resumed low dose oestrogen and my breasts, esp nipples, responded immediately with that numb feeling and growth i.e. much more quickly than when you first start out. I guess there's probably some science behind that but this isn't just imagination on my part.

[katrinaw]

Yep, that was definitely the upside 

Katy xx

[Sammy]

Thanks Dena,  that means a lot. I really appreciate your input.

I've not stopped hormones, I've halved my dosage. I'm kinda living in the middle of the spectrum right now.
I'm gonna stay here til I feel compelled to change that.

I have done exactly that two times and that kind of helped to get some sense about what going on with me. About one week later I woke up with morning erection + package of dysphoric feelings as strong and sharp as they were in my childhood and got back on full dosage of HRT the very same day...