Hey everyone, I'm in a bit of a predictiment, after months of questioning myself and what gender I was, I finally was able to figure out and accept that I was a trans woman, and soon decided to come out to my mother and then the rest of my immediate family that I cared for knowing (which I have done, through I was outed twice), and my parents turned out to not be so accepting of me; and I have no idea what to do or how to figure them out.
To recap, I came out to my mother as transgender around two weeks ago, and she initially appeared to be "supportive" upon my initial sending of the Facebook coming out message, saying that she just needed time to figure out her feelings; and I initially respected this and kept my distance. Since then however, things have gone completely downhill.
It all began three days after that, when I decided to come out to my father - upon attempting to do this however - my father informs me that my mother had already outed me to him, in hindsight I should have expected this, but in the heat of the moment that night I couldn't control my temper and ended up lashing out through the sending of a nasty private Facebook message to my wall that only my mother could see. She ended up seeing it, and that ended up triggering a fight between me and my parents, both of whom then proceeded to repeatedly try and invalidate me and tell me that I was "too young", "too confused" and "too inexperienced" in life to know what my feelings really meant (a bunch of hogwash, I know), my mother also told me that she wanted to blow her brains out or move away because of this, that I was the unfair and selfish one in this who made a "decision" without "consulting everyone else and their "feelings"; and that I was "murdering" her son and that I was a "new" person she had no feelings for and didn't know.
Since then, whenever the topic of me being transgender has come up, it has caused both me and my mother to lash out and fall into bitter fighting, my mother has continued at every turn trying to invalidate me at every chance she can get and has continued to accuse me of lying, or being too young or too confused to truly know about these things; or even brainwashed by people on the internet (particularly, this site) at the most volatile. She constantly says things like she can't believe that I am trans because I still like "boys stuff" (like cars, war and sports), haven't expressed any "visible signs of distress" (I was deeply closeted for the long time, and still don't feel comfortable or have the ability to change much in the way of how I do things or how I act, but I still am not sure what she means by this), only started talking about it "recently" (due to research she read that apparently told her that most transgender people know by the time they are four, which is obviously bull->-bleeped-<-, she seems to be under the impression that this happened overnight), and because I don't have the best hygiene (fair point on it's own, and it's partly because of my uncomfortableness with my body and touching it, and the pain my damaged gums feel when I brush my teeth, but it has nothing to do with the gender stuff) and pretty much every invalidating thing you could even think of; even to the point of calling me the selfish one and saying that I am "murdering" her "son" even through I am still essentially the same child she knew and loved before I came out to her.
Yet... she's cut down on her usage of male pronouns and the "Uncle" title in front of my nephew and nieces (who with their parents live with us temporarily right now) and said she did it out of respect for me, she's also said she feels guilt over using my male birthname, and has expressed worry about me due to the high amount of violence against trans women that has been going on lately; my father hasn't sp
So really. what is going on with her (or even him)? I can't figure her out; can anyone help?
Sounds like what I'm going through right now with my own family right down to the initial positive reaction followed by the downward spiral. I've been blasted from all sides by family and only by family in ways I never knew they were capable of.
I don't know about your father because you didn't really mention what happened with him, but your mother sounds like she's just going through the stages of grief. The fact that she's sort of coming around is promising too. I personally think she just needs some time and it's probably also a good idea to invite her to a therapy session or more.
I don't know the context of the fighting with your mother, but that's one thing you can control in this situation, your own temper. If you can approach her in a more laid back fashion, she may be less apt to lash out. There's nothing to argue about. If you know who you are, there's no reason to argue about it in my opinion, even if the other person is wrongly accusing you of not being you. Anger just makes you miserable. Anger only hurts yourself.
Quote from: Emileeeee on August 23, 2015, 09:22:24 PM
Sounds like what I'm going through right now with my own family right down to the initial positive reaction followed by the downward spiral. I've been blasted from all sides by family and only by family in ways I never knew they were capable of.
I don't know about your father because you didn't really mention what happened with him, but your mother sounds like she's just going through the stages of grief. The fact that she's sort of coming around is promising too. I personally think she just needs some time and it's probably also a good idea to invite her to a therapy session or more.
I don't know the context of the fighting with your mother, but that's one thing you can control in this situation, your own temper. If you can approach her in a more laid back fashion, she may be less apt to lash out. There's nothing to argue about. If you know who you are, there's no reason to argue about it in my opinion, even if the other person is wrongly accusing you of not being you. Anger just makes you miserable. Anger only hurts yourself.
There isn't much to say about my father, since me and him haven't talked about my gender and the stuff relating to that since the initial fight occurred (admittedly he works all the time, so I haven't had much of a chance too, and I don't want to budge and force the issue lest I risk angering him accidentally).
As for my mother, that's what I have thought myself - through the extremeness of her reaction to all of this (such as the fact that she accused me of "murder" and said that she wanted to kill herself over all of this leaves me uneasy about what she may be really feeling on the inside of her mind), the fact that she has been trying in some way to try and respect me is somewhat promising, but it just adds to my confusion, as her behavior over this is so "bi-polar" (for lack of a better term, I don't mean to offend by using it; apologies in advance if I do for anyone) that it's hard to gauge how she is feeling in truth in her mind; and what is just and act for me. Part of me does think that she may legitimately feel like she's lost a child as a result of my coming out; which would explain her nasty reaction to all of this; as she herself has admitted she doesn't understand any of this (as well as admitted that she sees me as a whole different person now; even through I am just a girl who knows more about herself now; she can't grasp that yet).
As for the context of our fights, they've been really nasty, and I haven't been very nice. I have a really bad temper and I get defensive quickly when I feel like I am being attacked, so I probably haven't helped her opinion of the situation by that.
As for the advice about taking her to a therapy session, that's a no-go right now; as I don't have one.
Part of me d
How old are you? Do you rely on them for financial support? do you live with them?
{edit}
Nevermind, I saw you said you're 17 in another post. Don't worry about what anyone thinks or says. That's their life, its their business. For as long as you're a child in their care, you are there business too. Your life is your business, focus on that, not them. Start saving hard. get money, get your own place, go share an apartment with other young people, leave town, do something that shows you know what you're doing and you don't need them.
Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 10:26:39 PM
How old are you? Do you rely on them for financial support? do you live with them?
{edit}
Nevermind, I saw you said you're 17 in another post. Don't worry about what anyone thinks or says. That's their life, its their business. For as long as you're a child in their care, you are there business too. Your life is your business, focus on that, not them. Start saving hard. get money, get your own place, go share an apartment with other young people, leave town, do something that shows you know what you're doing and you don't need them.
I want and plan to try and get out of the house and get out on my own, but it's harder then it sounds for me, as I literally don't have a single friend in real life (no, I am not exaggerating, I legitimately do not know a single person that isn't related to me or living in my house, and no one who can help me in the way that a friend could), I am homeschooled (so I need to get my GED, which I plan to), I have health problems, which limits my ability to get a job and earn money, and I can't drive; so I am completely and utterly dependent on my parents for every single thing in my life; and I can't get out of the house without their help.
I've asked my dad to teach me how to drive, and my mom says that she and him will work out a time, but he works two full time jobs and doesn't have alot of free-time, so it's debateable whether that time will ever be made or found. and they both say they have no plans to impede on my choices, but they also believe I am never moving out too.
I can't, I can't, I can't.......
Nobody ever got anywhere thinking like that. Put on your big girl pants and take your life in your hands.
I couldn't drive until I was 27. Didn't make a difference. Get your backside down to as many recruitment agencies as you have in your area and register. Kitchen work, Road work, construction work. There's a million low skilled jobs you could be doing. "Health problems" can be worked around.
Nobody is going to help you. In the real world, very few people care what happens to you. You need to take control.
This dude wrote several books, is a Professor at a mjaor university, and changed the way we understand reality.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.dailymail.co.uk%2Fi%2Fpix%2F2014%2F05%2F02%2Farticle-2618434-14C0214D000005DC-462_634x449.jpg&hash=1336afd293a5950272e3ff8b84d44d821ba2728f)
You don't need to redefine physics.. just get a job and get out on your own.
Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 10:52:59 PM
I can't, I can't, I can't.......
Nobody ever got anywhere thinking like that. Put on your big girl pants and take your life in your hands.
I couldn't drive until I was 27. Didn't make a difference. Get your backside down to as many recruitment agencies as you have in your area and register. Kitchen work, Road work, construction work. There's a million low skilled jobs you could be doing. "Health problems" can be worked around.
Nobody is going to help you. In the real world, very few people care what happens to you. You need to take control.
I know that I have to take my control of my own life and find my own path to independence and happiness, but I am not exaggerating or kidding here when I say I have problems that limit my opportunities or ability to act. Those health problems I mentioned, they are a serious heart defect I've had major surgery to repair twice in my life and a serious and ultra-rare leg condition (this one in particular http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition/parkes-weber-syndrome) - and I am out-of-shape physically on top of all that, all of which means I can't do any jobs that require alot of standing or walking around, or much significant physical activity in general - at least without straining or hurting myself, I also live in a relatively rural village area without "recruitment agencies" or much in the way of job opportunity for someone like me; so I have to learn how to drive now.
Ok, well instead of looking at all the things you can't do, or why things are so hard, perhaps you could think about the things you can do, and ways to make hard things easier? Break large problems down into smaller components. Is there a pool in your village? Start swimming, get healthy. Buy a bicycle (if your leg condition allows it)
Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 11:07:25 PM
Ok, well instead of looking at all the things you can't do, or why things are so hard, perhaps you could think about the things you can do, and ways to make hard things easier? Break large problems down into smaller components. Is there a pool in your village? Start swimming, get healthy. Buy a bicycle (if your leg condition allows it)
There's a pool in the residential complex that I live in, but you need a key to get into it, and my mother's never going to give it to me (she wouldn't trust me to be alone, and she won't randomly take me the pool either, and I am not going to hop the fence and risk getting in trouble), and I don't know how to ride a bike either, and probably wouldn't be able to anyway because of my leg condition and uneven height and body weight.
Honestly, I don't think you should attempt to transition just yet. I think you need to get healthy mentally first. Transitioning is very hard on you. You don't strike me as having the emotional fortitude quite yet.
Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 11:21:12 PM
Honestly, I don't think you should attempt to transition just yet. I think you need to get healthy mentally first. Transitioning is very hard on you. You don't strike me as having the emotional fortitude quite yet.
Umm... am I supposed to take that in a good way? because I feel very offended right now.
In response to your assertion through, I've heard it's mentally hard on you to transition, but being forced to live a lie by continuing to live as male is even harder on me, I don't want to wait any longer then I absolutely have to to transition; cause the longer I am stuck in this curse the more I am in pain mentally.
You can choose to be offended, it makes little difference to the advice I've given you. Now, call up your dr, and ask to be refered for some therapy.
Quote from: Isabelle on August 23, 2015, 11:31:46 PM
You can choose to be offended, it makes little difference to the advice I've given you. Now, call up your dr, and ask to be refered for some therapy.
I unfortunately don't know my Doctor's number (and part of me doubts that a cardiologist or skin doctor at a Children's Hospital has contacts for this sort of thing anyway), and I would have to tell my mother about it anyway if I did that; and she would most likely refuse to take me since she thinks I am lying or confused anyway.
My psychologist gave me some great advice when I was coming out.
"Remember how long it took for you to come out. Give your family that much time to accept you and you will probably be pleasantly surprised."
The point was clear. People, especially those closest to you, need time to wrap their heads around this. It is a time to give them space and time to come to terms with this new information.
You can't just expect them to flip a switch.
This stuff takes patience, and you have to be very forgiving while they work it out. If you are confrontational it tends to backfire.
You are a minor who lives under their roof. This is an adult decision you have made. You will need to keep making them.
Quote from: Tori on August 23, 2015, 11:46:20 PM
My psychologist gave me some great advice when I was coming out.
"Remember how long it took for you to come out. Give your family that much time to accept you and you will probably be pleasantly surprised."
The point was clear. People, especially those closest to you, need time to wrap their heads around this. It is a time to give them space and time to come to terms with this new information.
You can't just expect them to flip a switch.
This stuff takes time, and you have to be very patient and forgiving while they work it out. If you are confrontational it tends to backfire.
Yeah, I get that, it took me months to come to terms with all of this, I can't just expect them to do so in a matter of days, but when they are all I have, when I have no friends to turn to as a shoulder to lean on or someone to comfort me; it makes the whole thing of having your parents at best look at you as a freak and at worst accuse you of murder or lying that much harder.
I could have been less confrontational and tempery with everything, and I probably should have, it's just hard sometimes since they are all that I have, and I have never had the best control of my temper when I feel attacked as it is; so it lead to a recipe for disaster.
It is VERY hard, these first few steps. Most of us here understand this full well.
A Zen like approach has a higher rate of success than one of impatience, blame and confrontation.
I am here for you.
Thanks, what you said makes sense, and I appreciate the kind words.
The best I can think to do right now is to just not bring up the subject with my parents for a while, maybe try to find a way to express my femininity subtly (like growing my hair out or maybe wearing a bracelet or something), and work on getting independence and getting out of the house.
Bingo!
Remember: It is called transition. This is a journey. It does not happen overnight.
Quote from: Tori on August 24, 2015, 12:03:41 AM
Bingo!
Remember: It is called transition. This is a journey. It does not happen overnight.
Of course, but the end of the journey's road is worth it to make the trip down it.
For some of us, the journey never ends...
So there is no harm in learning to enjoy the journey too.
Some other things you can do?
Contact any and all LGBT centers in or near your community. Any college nearby should have one as well, and they tend to help anyone in the community. They can give you resources and information. Ideas of what you can do for yourself and for your family. They may offer support groups as well.
And, this is important... study up about your medical options, since you will be on transitional medication for the rest of your life if you choose to take hormones, and sometimes you may have to teach your doctor a thing or two.
When you feel stuck, the best thing you can do is find a way to make even the smallest of progress and often it is hard to know where to look, especially when you are starting. That is why we are here. Some day, you will be helping someone in a situation much like the one you are in right now.
:police:
Please remember this is a support site - you are free to offer advice and words of support but if people don't, won't or can't accept it then arguing the point with them will not help, just walk away and find someone who does, will or can. Topic reopened. Any more sniping from anyone will result in warnings and the topic being permanently locked.
Thanks!
Quote from: Tori on August 24, 2015, 12:22:01 AM
For some of us, the journey never ends...
So there is no harm in learning to enjoy the journey too.
Some other things you can do?
Contact any and all LGBT centers in your community. Any college nearby should have one as well, and they tend to help anyone in the community. They can gig you resources and information. Ideas of what you can do for yourself and for your family. They may offer support groups as well.
And, this is important... study up about your medical options, since you will be on medication for the rest of your life if you choose to take hormones, and sometimes you may have to teach your doctor a thing or two.
When you feel stuck, the best thing you can do is find a way to progress and often it is hard to know where to look, especially when you are starting. That is why we are here. Some day, you will be helping someone in a situation much like the one you are in right now.
I suppose so, and maybe trying to learn to enjoy the journey will help me deal with the depression and constant anguish over my male body, it certainly couldn't hurt to try and find a way to enjoy it at least I guess.
I'll try looking for LGBT centers around my area soon, I'm not sure how many there are in my neck of the woods (near St Petersburg, Florida), but I am sure there might be at least one nearby, and the resources and help they could give me could be important and good for me, so it would most certainly not hurt to look, I won't lose anything if I don't happen to find any good ones in my area through.
As for medical options, I've looked up what my insurance covers regarding Gender Medical Issues already, the next step would be finding a good therapist to work with and working to getting on HRT, which I plan to try and begin as soon as I physically and legally can.
here's my 3 cents. I think given your circumstances therapy should be your #1 priority.
Quote from: stephaniec on August 24, 2015, 12:54:25 AM
here's my 3 cents. I think given your circumstances therapy should be your #1 priority.
Maybe so, but I also don't want to wait longer then I absolutely have to do to actually begin the transitioning process.
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 12:56:44 AM
Maybe so, but I also don't want to wait longer then I absolutely have to do to actually begin the transitioning process.
that would be the first step on a long road
Quote from: stephaniec on August 24, 2015, 12:59:25 AM
that would be the first step on a long road
I know, It's the first thing I'll do definitely once I get the chance.
Transition isn't something to be rushed. As much as you see going to a therapist as delaying the process, it's not. It's part of the transition process and a important part too. Transitioning without dealing with our issues often leads to other problems. It's why a therapist letter is frequently required for HRT because HRT won't fix those issues. Going it along without a therapist isn't something I would recommend. I hope things workout with your parents and you. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 12:56:44 AM
Maybe so, but I also don't want to wait longer then I absolutely have to do to actually begin the transitioning process.
Quote from: Mariah2014 on August 24, 2015, 01:04:13 AM
Transition isn't something to be rushed. As much as you see going to a therapist as delaying the process, it's not. It's part of the transition process and a important part too. Transitioning without dealing with our issues often leads to other problems. It's why a therapist letter is frequently required for HRT because HRT won't fix those issues. Going it along without a therapist isn't something I would recommend. I hope things workout with your parents and you. Hugs
Mariah
I suppose your right *sigh*, it's just frustrating, having to be stuck like this, probably for at least 2 or 3 more years; before I can even begin the actual medical road of HRT and all that.
It's not like I don't have other issues I guess, I planned on seeing a therapist once possible anyway; so it'd probably be helpful.
Yeah. Steph is right. There is NOTHING wrong with a good therapist when swimming through and even into transition.
This crap is NOT easy. Also, therapy may be something your parents can get behind.
Trust me as one of a several who transitioned once and then detransitioned before taking another go at it. It's amazing how those other problems turn into mountains that we don't over come that we see only the obstacles that stop us from achieving what we want out of our transitions. As a result, you end up focusing on things you can't change instead of what you can. This is just one example. I'm not sure if you have insurance or not, but it's generally covered and if not there are places that can do it for little or no cost generally depending on where you live. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 01:08:42 AM
I suppose your right *sigh*, it's just frustrating, having to be stuck like this, probably for at least 2 or 3 more years; before I can even begin the actual medical road of HRT and all that.
It's not like I don't have other issues I guess, I planned on seeing a therapist once possible anyway; so it'd probably be helpful.
Quote from: Tori on August 24, 2015, 01:11:14 AM
Yeah. Steph is right. There is NOTHING wrong with a good therapist when swimming through and even into transition.
This crap is NOT easy. Also, therapy may be something your parents can get behind.
Yeah, I guess your right, It's just a feeling of not wanting to waste any more time then I have too; but I wouldn't want to rush into this without dealing with my issues first I guess.
And maybe, it's something I could float by them, maybe they'll get behind it and help me
Quote from: Mariah2014 on August 24, 2015, 01:13:18 AM
Trust me as one of a several who transitioned once and then detransitioned before taking another go at it. It's amazing how those other problems turn into mountains that we don't over come that we see only the obstacles that stop us from achieving what we want out of our transitions. As a result, you end up focusing on things you can't change instead of what you can. This is just one example. I'm not sure if you have insurance or not, but it's generally covered and if not there are places that can do it for little or no cost generally depending on where you live. Hugs
Mariah
My parents have insurance that I am covered on until I am 25, I'm not sure what kind of coverage it covers regarding therapy (especially since I live in a fairly Republican state, Florida, who's laws on the LGBT aren't particularly great); but I'll look into it and see what my insurance covers and if there are any good therapists near me.
Often they can code it under depression and or anxiety which often go hand in hand with our gender dysphoria. I know that was the case for me. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 01:16:48 AM
My parents have insurance that I am covered on until I am 25, I'm not sure what kind of coverage it covers regarding therapy (especially since I live in a fairly Republican state, Florida, who's laws on the LGBT aren't particularly great); but I'll look into it and see what my insurance covers and if there are any good therapists near me.
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 01:08:42 AM
I suppose your right *sigh*, it's just frustrating, having to be stuck like this, probably for at least 2 or 3 more years; before I can even begin the actual medical road of HRT and all that.
It's not like I don't have other issues I guess, I planned on seeing a therapist once possible anyway; so it'd probably be helpful.
Also, you may be able to find some sort of group therapy. And while one on one therapy is often better... group therapy will help you meet LGBT folks nearby and it is often much cheaper.
Quote from: Mariah2014 on August 24, 2015, 01:18:10 AM
Often they can code it under depression and or anxiety which often go hand in hand with our gender dysphoria. I know that was the case for me. Hugs
Mariah
I hadn't thought about it in that way, but that is another possibility I guess if I find out that my insurance doesn't have the best coverage regarding therapy or if the state laws, thanks for informing me about that.
And uh.. sorry if I sound so noobish and all, I'm still really new to all of this; and it is confusing trying to navigate my way through this mess of a maze *sighs embarrasingly*
Quote from: Tori on August 24, 2015, 01:23:20 AM
Also, you may be able to find some sort of group therapy. And while one on one therapy is often better... group therapy will help you meet LGBT folks nearby and it is often much cheaper.
That's something for me to keep in mind, thanks.
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 01:14:57 AM
Yeah, I guess your right, It's just a feeling of not wanting to waste any more time then I have too; but I wouldn't want to rush into this without dealing with my issues first I guess.
And maybe, it's something I could float by them, maybe they'll get behind it and help me
And like Mariah said, therapy is part of transition. It is not in the way of transition. A good therapist trained in LGBT issues may be able to point you towards many options in your area. A therapist can really help you get the ball rolling.
No worries, It happens. We all have to start out somewhere. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 01:26:59 AM
I hadn't thought about it in that way, but that is another possibility I guess if I find out that my insurance doesn't have the best coverage regarding therapy or if the state laws, thanks for informing me about that.
And uh.. sorry if I sound so noobish and all, I'm still really new to all of this; and it is confusing trying to navigate my way through this mess of a maze *sighs embarrasingly*
That's something for me to keep in mind, thanks.
Quote from: Tori on August 24, 2015, 01:28:19 AM
And like Mariah said, therapy is part of transition. It is not in the way of transition. A good therapist trained in LGBT issues may be able to point you towards many options in your area. A therapist can really help you get the ball rolling.
Yeah, I guess your right; perhaps a therapist isn't as bad or as an impede on where I want to get to as I previously thought it was
After all, you are not a legal adult yet. You will need parental permission to start the medical stuff anyway.
A therapist could help you better communicate and work with your parents. It may be your quickest path.
Call LGBT centers near you. Ask if they can reccomend therapists or if they have group therapy or meetings.
Really, make a list of questions before you call. Anything and everything you can think of that they may be able to help with. Do NOT be afraid of telling them you are a trans youth and about your situation. If you feel better with not telling them your full name, give them a fake one if they ask or just your first, or your new name.
LGBT centers are more likely to be set up with someone who will help you work towards your goals. In a community like you are near, there should be at least one LGBT center. It is certainly large enough.
People think therapy is to fix broken people... HA! Sometimes it is just having a paid advocate in your corner who you get to talk to once every week/month... whatever.
Also, one on one therapists will typically talk with you for 30 or so minutes before your first appointment. It is a great time to get to know them. If you don't like them, try another one out.
Most of these first steps can be done over the phone too! So you don't need any rides yet.
I turn 18 this November, so I won't need my parent's permission for anything medically for much longer anyway, but everything you say is still valid even then; and I'll have to consider all of those options and figure out what works best for me (through, I'll probably give at least everything a shot, if it helps find me someone and things that help me begin working on my goals small and big easier of course)
Quote from: Tori on August 24, 2015, 01:41:34 AM
After all, you are not a legal adult yet. You will need parental permission to start the medical stuff anyway.
A therapist could help you better communicate and work with your parents. It may be your quickest path.
Call LGBT centers near you. Ask if they can reccomend therapists or if they have group therapy or meetings.
Really, make a list of questions before you call. Anything and everything you can think of that they may be able to help with. Do NOT be afraid of telling them you are a trans youth and about your situation.
Then you are more likely to be set up with someone who will help you work towards your goals.
People think therapy is to fix broken people... HA! Sometimes it is just having a paid advocate in your corner who you get to talk to once every week/month... whatever.
Also, one on one therapists will typically talk with you for 30 or so minutes before your first appointment. It is a great time to get to know them. If you don't like them, try another one out.
Most of these first steps can be done over the phone too! So you don't need any rides yet.
It feels better when you have things you can work towards. You are never completely stuck.
YAY November!!!
I neeeeeeed sleep. I will check this thread in the morning.
Please keep us posted and remember, you have friends. You are not alone.
Aloha,
Tori
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 01:46:41 AM
I turn 18 this November, so I won't need my parent's permission for anything medically for much longer anyway, but everything you say is still valid even then; and I'll have to consider all of those options and figure out what works best for me (through, I'll probably give at least everything a shot, if it helps find me someone and things that help me begin working on my goals small and big easier of course)
Hey :) I took the time to read all the posts. I'm definitely a slow reader so it took awhile. But like this post does worry me a little. I feel like you really want the acceptance of your parents, and they are important to you. But this kind of thinking is something that can easily lead to you just cutting your parents out of your life. Try to look at things through your mom's eyes. She feels like she's losing a son and gaining a daughter that she really didn't know she had. Looking back at every cherished memory of you is just gonna be different now. It's like two major changes in her life all at once.
The way she reacted is super harsh, like I instantly started crying when I read what she said. But it's great that she's trying to make sure that she calls you by the right name, even if she might not be able to wrap her head around it yet. It's obvious that she cares about you. I really think she said a lot of stuff she really didn't mean to in the confusion, and if you two just had a long and calm talk, that you'd see she feels different about it now. If she can never accept it, it's her lost, but don't lose a loving mom over a misunderstanding.
I wish you the best of luck hun *huggles*
Hey, the Kaiser! Welcome.
I live nest door in Tampa. Both Hillsborough and Pinellas (where you live) have excellent Human rights provisions that extend to transgenders. Huge, Huge changes made in the 30 years I have lived here. The largest Pride event in the Southeast is in St.Pete. There are extensive transgender medical and Psychological services available here. At the pride event this summer they had 3-4 hundred thousand attend and over 200 venders lining 6 blocks of Central ave. Everything from gay/transgender friendly churches to medical providers. Both Tampa and St.Pete have seen the future and realize that a socially diverse workforce is the wave of the future. Your future. One of the Gay pride parade marshals is a marred with children transgender vice president at Regions Bank. She was elected to a woman's crew in the mystic crew of Gasparilla. Big changes here. Just thank the Goddess you live south of Pasco/Hernando!
Just google transgender St Pete. You will find very good groups listed, explore their web sites. I know that there is a group offering group voice training for our people. Now having said this, the area is horrible for anyone without a car or access to transportation of some type. I know how short periods of time can feel like a lifetime at your age but you need to become self supporting somehow, or you will be a slave to the whims of your parents forever. Unless you can find a rich husband/companion. That plan didn't work for me. The good thing is that you are still young and can do it, with help, determination, and realistic expectations.
I agree with Yakayla about that one post. While you can do what you want at 18, taking the attitude implied in your post about it will probably create a divide between you and your mother. She needs your support right now every bit as much as you need hers. And if you provide it to her, I bet she'll be more willing to help.
In my opinion, the second you decided that a transition could be in your future, was the time when you began your transition. And there are lots of parts of that transition that have already been mentioned. Even telling your parents is a part of your transition. So don't think of therapy as being a roadblock to transition. Think of it as a part of transition. Putting together a support structure in your life is another part of transition. All the things you do to prepare to live life as your true self are part of your transition.
There are also gender therapists out there that work on a sliding pay scale, meaning they'll reduce their rates if you don't have insurance or if you have unsupportive parents. I used one in FL a long long time ago. The support group idea was also a very good one. Therapists can help guide you through the system. They help with how and when to tell people that you know. They help build a mental fortitude, which is something you may think you don't need, but you'd probably be wrong. People that pick on others only need one person to attack before the rest join in and form a group that wasn't there before. A verbal assault like that can knock even the strongest of people down. Give Parris Island a shot if you don't believe me.
The reason you do therapy first is because it's easier to build up your mental fortitude when the world still supports you than it is during a transition. Trying to do it after a transition would be like deciding to learn how to swim while you're already drowning. You have minimal support because, well it's water and the more your flail, the less supportive it becomes. You end up so panicked that you can't focus on learning the skills you need to survive.
Some parts of transition can be handled at the same time as others. You can use thrift shops to build up a small wardrobe. You can watch free youtube videos on how to do hair and makeup. You can hit the clearance section at a drugstore to find travel size items that are more feminine. You can work on your voice using the free videos on youtube. You can do therapy. You can work on your presentation at support group meetings. You can people watch to see the parts of being a woman you never paid attention too. You'd be surprised at how little you know about being a woman in society despite the fact that you are one. Most of what constitutes femininity is learned behavior, behaviors that you were not taught. Some are behaviors out of necessity, for instance I recently learned that the dainty touch on a touch screen is the result of having long nails that don't work when you hit them head on. There are lots of others too.
Quote from: Yakayla on August 24, 2015, 03:31:00 AM
Hey :) I took the time to read all the posts. I'm definitely a slow reader so it took awhile. But like this post does worry me a little. I feel like you really want the acceptance of your parents, and they are important to you. But this kind of thinking is something that can easily lead to you just cutting your parents out of your life. Try to look at things through your mom's eyes. She feels like she's losing a son and gaining a daughter that she really didn't know she had. Looking back at every cherished memory of you is just gonna be different now. It's like two major changes in her life all at once.
The way she reacted is super harsh, like I instantly started crying when I read what she said. But it's great that she's trying to make sure that she calls you by the right name, even if she might not be able to wrap her head around it yet. It's obvious that she cares about you. I really think she said a lot of stuff she really didn't mean to in the confusion, and if you two just had a long and calm talk, that you'd see she feels different about it now. If she can never accept it, it's her lost, but don't lose a loving mom over a misunderstanding.
I wish you the best of luck hun *huggles*
Your right, I really do want the acceptance of my parents. there's few things I want more in this world then exactly that - they are literally all I have, and I want them to love me for who I am; not look at me like a freak or hurl accusations of murder or untruthfulness at my face. I get that my mother does feel this way, she gave birth to a "son", not a daughter - and I can see why she feels like she's lost her child and has gained another one that she never asked for, never knew she had and doesn't know how to deal with, I get that completely. My problem is figuring how to broach the subject with her and get her to see that I am still the same person I have always have been without being snippy myself or otherwise pissing her off, cause she's flipped out every single time we've talked about me being transgender; and it's not even been an entire week since our last fight so I imagine the subject is still extremely sore in her mind even right now.
She's still calling me by male birthname actually through (I haven't told her that I have already chosen a new name yet, as my birthname starts with a K as well, and she told me that choosing another K name would basically be a disrespectful stab in the heart to her; so I haven't dared talking about the subject of names). I think she does still care and that she just doesn't understand or get any of this (something she herself admitted), it's just.... how the hell do I do so? (help her understand that is) when she has basically shot down every single thing I feel as an excuse or a lie and told me that I am "wrong" no matter what I say to her? I can't think of anything to do but not talk about the subject with her for now and just work on baby steps to move my life forward and get where I want to be.
Quote from: Cindy Stephens on August 24, 2015, 07:12:57 AM
Hey, the Kaiser! Welcome.
I live nest door in Tampa. Both Hillsborough and Pinellas (where you live) have excellent Human rights provisions that extend to transgenders. Huge, Huge changes made in the 30 years I have lived here. The largest Pride event in the Southeast is in St.Pete. There are extensive transgender medical and Psychological services available here. At the pride event this summer they had 3-4 hundred thousand attend and over 200 venders lining 6 blocks of Central ave. Everything from gay/transgender friendly churches to medical providers. Both Tampa and St.Pete have seen the future and realize that a socially diverse workforce is the wave of the future. Your future. One of the Gay pride parade marshals is a marred with children transgender vice president at Regions Bank. She was elected to a woman's crew in the mystic crew of Gasparilla. Big changes here. Just thank the Goddess you live south of Pasco/Hernando!
Just google transgender St Pete. You will find very good groups listed, explore their web sites. I know that there is a group offering group voice training for our people. Now having said this, the area is horrible for anyone without a car or access to transportation of some type. I know how short periods of time can feel like a lifetime at your age but you need to become self supporting somehow, or you will be a slave to the whims of your parents forever. Unless you can find a rich husband/companion. That plan didn't work for me. The good thing is that you are still young and can do it, with help, determination, and realistic expectations.
Oh thank goodness, I wasn't all that sure of what the climate or laws regarding LGBT rights and issues was like in this area or if there were adequate and trans-friendly medical and psychological options available in the area for individuals like me, so that's really reassuring to hear (I probably should have already looked up this stuff myself to be truthful, but I had no idea where to start looking *embarrasingly sighs*); thanks for that, it makes me feel better that I live in a good area and have options available and waiting for me once I get further down the road.
But yeah, it's almost impossible to get around the Manatee-St. Pete area without a car, so you can see why I need to learn how to drive now, I just hope my parents are willing to work with me in that regard (since I have absolutely zero friends in real life, and no other family members that can help me; all I have to help teach me to drive is my parents; so I have to hope they keep their promise to help me work on it).
Quote from: Emileeeee on August 24, 2015, 07:50:29 AM
I agree with Yakayla about that one post. While you can do what you want at 18, taking the attitude implied in your post about it will probably create a divide between you and your mother. She needs your support right now every bit as much as you need hers. And if you provide it to her, I bet she'll be more willing to help.
The "give no <not allowed> what my parents think I am doing what I want" attitude? yeah, I guess that probably isn't the smartest idea, a divide already exists where one didn't before as it is after all of this, and widening that divide will just make things harder on me in the long-run I suppose; especially since I am so completely and utterly dependent on my parents as it is.
My mother remarked once that the help I did try to give her (mainly parent FAQ's I found on Google, a bit lazy maybe, but she had told me before the first fight to keep my distance on the issue and let her go through the motions of figuring out her feelings; which I tried to do before the first fight broke out) was selfish in mindset and that she needed something that helped her figure out how to (in her words) deal with the "death of her son) and understand all of this, I thought about trying to find something like this for her if I could, or linking her to sites like this (not necessarily this one through) so she could ask questions, but I didn't know if that'd be going too far or if it'd risk pissing her off even more; so I haven't done it yet.
In essence through, I know I need to support my mother, I do, I just don't know how in the hell I am actually supposed to do that, especially since I still feel so hurt about everything she hurled at me; and my fears of angering her even further and putting myself in even more of a rut then I am in already; if you understand what I am saying in that regard?
Quote from: Emileeeee on August 24, 2015, 07:50:29 AMThere are also gender therapists out there that work on a sliding pay scale, meaning they'll reduce their rates if you don't have insurance or if you have unsupportive parents. I used one in FL a long long time ago. The support group idea was also a very good one. Therapists can help guide you through the system. They help with how and when to tell people that you know. They help build a mental fortitude, which is something you may think you don't need, but you'd probably be wrong. People that pick on others only need one person to attack before the rest join in and form a group that wasn't there before. A verbal assault like that can knock even the strongest of people down. Give Parris Island a shot if you don't believe me.
The reason you do therapy first is because it's easier to build up your mental fortitude when the world still supports you than it is during a transition. Trying to do it after a transition would be like deciding to learn how to swim while you're already drowning. You have minimal support because, well it's water and the more your flail, the less supportive it becomes. You end up so panicked that you can't focus on learning the skills you need to survive.
Hmm, I hadn't even thought about it in that way, but I guess that your right, building up mental fortitude to deal with the world as soon as possible and while I am still "a guy" (for lack of a better word, since I still will probably have to present as one for a long while) is probably better then trying to do the same while your already in transition mode and having to deal with the judgement of society and all that comes with that, and a therapist from what I have been reading can be a good general advocate and even help me with other issues that I may know or not know I have, so maybe the idea isn't as much of a "doorblock" on getting to where I want to be and being who I want to be as I had previously thought it was.
Good points about the rest of it through, especially the people watching and the learning of other general things like learning how to do makeup or do my hair properly, I doubt I will ever say have perfect posture or be the perfect feminine walker (I don't have a single fixed height like normal people due to my leg condition, which means my posture is absolutely ->-bleeped-<- for even a guy, let alone a woman; and basically near impossible to fix due to having had such bad posture for such a long time), but there are other mannerisms and things that I do need to learn, and general girl things as well like the makeup stuff and other things like that. I've been told that clothes could be a big confidence booster early on the road as well, so a trip to say the thrift store or Walmart to get and begin building a female wardrobe would be an early thing I'd do as well, around the same time I found a therapist.
Mod Edit- No profanities please.
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 10:30:51 AM
In essence through, I know I need to support my mother, I do, I just don't know how in the hell I am actually supposed to do that, especially since I still feel so hurt about everything she hurled at me; and my fears of angering her even further and putting myself in even more of a rut then I am in already; if you understand what I am saying in that regard?
A therapist can help with that too if you can convince her to see one with you. I think you'll be able to based on what you've said so far. Sometimes people are so afraid of hurting you with their words, that they won't tell you something that they need to. Sometimes those same people are able to tell you that if they feel like they're actually telling the therapist and you're just listening in. I've seen this happen with my wife. I'm sure you can relate to this since you stated your fears of discussing things with her for fear of her reactions.
Quote from: Emileeeee on August 24, 2015, 11:12:52 AM
A therapist can help with that too if you can convince her to see one with you. I think you'll be able to based on what you've said so far. Sometimes people are so afraid of hurting you with their words, that they won't tell you something that they need to. Sometimes those same people are able to tell you that if they feel like they're actually telling the therapist and you're just listening in. I've seen this happen with my wife. I'm sure you can relate to this since you stated your fears of discussing things with her for fear of her reactions.
Yeah, I can relate to that, and I suppose that trying to convince her to see a therapist alongside me couldn't hurt at all; especially since she even stated to me off-handidly that she feels like that she needs one.
Quote from: TheKaiser on August 24, 2015, 10:30:51 AM
Your right, I really do want the acceptance of my parents. there's few things I want more in this world then exactly that - they are literally all I have, and I want them to love me for who I am; not look at me like a freak or hurl accusations of murder or untruthfulness at my face. I get that my mother does feel this way, she gave birth to a "son", not a daughter - and I can see why she feels like she's lost her child and has gained another one that she never asked for, never knew she had and doesn't know how to deal with, I get that completely. My problem is figuring how to broach the subject with her and get her to see that I am still the same person I have always have been without being snippy myself or otherwise pissing her off, cause she's flipped out every single time we've talked about me being transgender; and it's not even been an entire week since our last fight so I imagine the subject is still extremely sore in her mind even right now.
She's still calling me by male birthname actually through (I haven't told her that I have already chosen a new name yet, as my birthname starts with a K as well, and she told me that choosing another K name would basically be a disrespectful stab in the heart to her; so I haven't dared talking about the subject of names). I think she does still care and that she just doesn't understand or get any of this (something she herself admitted), it's just.... how the hell do I do so? (help her understand that is) when she has basically shot down every single thing I feel as an excuse or a lie and told me that I am "wrong" no matter what I say to her? I can't think of anything to do but not talk about the subject with her for now and just work on baby steps to move my life forward and get where I want to be.
I guess I would try talking about things she could relate to and try to leave gender out of it if possible? Like how it has made you feel isolated from other people. Or unable to act how you want to. Being forced to be something your not. Not able to enjoy the things you like. How it makes you feel happier.
Ya know, she not gonna relate too much to, this body is wrong. But if you're really worried that it will turn into a giant fight and she's quick to react negatively. Why not write a letter to her, summing up all your feelings. That way, your sure not to say anything snippy. And leave the house so she doesn't flip out on you when she's done reading it. This could give her time to think it over and process it, before you talk about the letter. When you're not sure what to say, sometimes it's just better to stay calm and let the heart do the talking for you. And this coming from someone who isn't much of a letter person.
My mom can be a little mellow-dramatic too. I was hating on my Dad back when I was 18, cause he was making work 50 hour weeks for his business while my sister only had to work a couple hours on the weekend. A boys obligation and all that jazz. I told her I hated him. And the first thing she asked screaming, is if he abused me or touched my no-no places. Like seriously? Oh Mom. It will be okay hun. <3
Quote from: Yakayla on August 24, 2015, 04:25:51 PM
I guess I would try talking about things she could relate to and try to leave gender out of it if possible? Like how it has made you feel isolated from other people. Or unable to act how you want to. Being forced to be something your not. Not able to enjoy the things you like. How it makes you feel happier.
Ya know, she not gonna relate too much to, this body is wrong. But if you're really worried that it will turn into a giant fight and she's quick to react negatively. Why not write a letter to her, summing up all your feelings. That way, your sure not to say anything snippy. And leave the house so she doesn't flip out on you when she's done reading it. This could give her time to think it over and process it, before you talk about the letter. When you're not sure what to say, sometimes it's just better to stay calm and let the heart do the talking for you. And this coming from someone who isn't much of a letter person.
My mom can be a little mellow-dramatic too. I was hating on my Dad back when I was 18, cause he was making work 50 hour weeks for his business while my sister only had to work a couple hours on the weekend. A boys obligation and all that jazz. I told her I hated him. And the first thing she asked screaming, is if he abused me or touched my no-no places. Like seriously? Oh Mom. It will be okay hun. <3
I suppose I could try that, the idea of somehow talking about the current situation between us and my own personal issues and feelings regarding my gender and the situation without actually bringing the matter of gender up sounds somewhat complicated to do honestly - but it wouldn't hurt to try and see if I could get a constructive conversation with her and allow each of us to bounce our feelings off of each other and figure out how to deal with them mutually, a letter might also work as well I suppose, but I have really terrible handwriting, and I can't really just "leave" the house and go anywhere; but I could see if it may be worthy of giving a try.
Microsoft office.
I'd go Libre Office personally because it's free and comparable, but not for a parent. Letters and emails are too impersonal for them in my opinion.
Quote from: Emileeeee on August 25, 2015, 02:49:49 PM
I'd go Libre Office personally because it's free and comparable, but not for a parent. Letters and emails are too impersonal for them in my opinion.
My parents nor I own a printer, so I can't really type something up and print it out.