So I've been on Spiro for almost 4 months and E for 2 months. Thing is, as soon as I started spiro, my dysphoria died down a bit but a month after taking E, most if not all of my dysphoria pretty much went away. Now, I'm thinking of stopping HRT and the transition process completely but I'm worried that the dysphoria will come back if I stop.
I spoke to my therapist and my GP about this and they both pretty much told me that ultimately, only I can truly decide. Well....it didn't really help, at all. Although they both mentioned the possibility of low dose. Although, I feel that that doesn't solve the underlying problem.
I think part of my problem is work. Because I work in a hyper masculine field and environment, I have to play the part and on those days, I actually feel masculine. Doesn't help with my psyche when I'm constantly bouncing back between a masculine and feminine mentality.
A part of me feels very ambivalent about whole thing and I feel like I'm just going with the flow. The other part of me feels like "what if I'm wrong, some of the changes will be irreversible." But at the same time I feel like "If I stop now, I'll regret it. I already regret starting this late in life."
I'm not sure what to do at this point.
You mentioned you started late in life; I am 53 and started a little over 2 years ago.
I understand your apprehension about work. I have been gradually coming out at work for a little over 3 years. Odd thing is I thought I would lose my job. I got a promotion. I am out to 70 or so people and everyone so far has been supportive. I thought I would be laughed at. Your situation may be very different and only you can know.
I have an extremely male position ( I manage a department with 30 operating engineers and 45 fitters and electricians. I am on construction sites and manage small capital projects too.) and I also interface with a lot of Doctors and medical staff, most (90% plus) of which are female.
Going off HRT is your decision and only you can make that call. We support you either way. You may want to give it 3 more months before you make a decision. Transition is a long term process and it takes time to resolve a lot of issues and figure out what you want to do.
Right now your unsure. With perfectly valid reasons for continuing or stopping hrt?
It might be an Idea if you could in some way find out if, the ease in your dysphoria is due to the presence of the Hrt?
Without it, your dysphoria may return?
I have no exsperience with Hrt as of yet. But you do seem to be struggling with continuing Hrt, if their is a chance that your dysphoria might not return after stopping it.
You could try a course of low dose, if your dysphoria increases then you would know for certian that the ease in your dysphoria is due to the hormoans? That said though, low dose could still ease your dysphoria to the same degree as now, but this way you might be more comfatable making the choice to try a hormoan free period to see if your dysphotia comes back.
Please dont take any of what I said as a dead cert. Pay more attention to people who have had exsperience with Hrt, I was just trying to offer a suggestion that might help YOU make this difficult choice.
It wouldn't hurt you to drop the meds for a couple of months and see what happens would it? This may be analogous to purging clothes to many. I think that by the time we get to HRT, we are pretty sure. But if you aren't, there's nothing like finding out for sure.
Chin up!
Cindi
You certainly can stop. Only you can know what's right for you, but let me tell you this while you're making up your mind. Most of the people I've ever known with a chronic condition, and ->-bleeped-<- (wish there was a better term) IS a chronic condition, hated that medication would be needed for the rest of their lives. Diabetes, mental illness, doesn't matter, they felt better and stopped their meds and then got ill again. Do stop if you wish, but, if the dysphoria comes back, start up again and don't ever stop. Please don't put yourself in a cycle of medication, better, no medication, worse, and repeat. I've seen too many people put themselves in a hospital doing that.
I tried that.. It just came back nastier than ever.
I had much the same thing and there's a positive side to it.
Between feeling good and pressure from my wife I stopped, only to feel far worse than before I'd started. Eventually I started again, then stopped again, and repeated that a few times. It's what finally made me accept I'm transgender. I have no doubts anymore.
I'm not presenting female yet, and it remains to be seen how long I can last doing that, but I'll accept whatever comes.
Quote from: Dee Marshall on August 24, 2015, 07:26:01 PM
You certainly can stop. Only you can know what's right for you, but let me tell you this while you're making up your mind. Most of the people I've ever known with a chronic condition, and ->-bleeped-<- (wish there was a better term)
I have a better term IOTBS(invasion of the body snatchers)
That's a very tough call Autum. I'm sorry you are going through that. You could always try just not taking them for a few days or weeks and see where it goes. If you feel better, stay off the HRT :)
Like everybody else, I will add it is your decision and we can't make it for you. The hormones gave you relief providing you are transgender and it's a pretty safe bet that stopping hormones is gong to bring back the hell you were living before.
On the other hand, there is something else to consider. Women are in almost every profession now days. There are a very limited number like professional sports that women haven't moved into. Not knowing the field you are working in, I suspect there are women already working in your field. Yes, you will have to be twice as good as the men, but if you are you should find transitioning will not put you out of a job.
My profession of computer programming, while one of the more open professions, still has few women working in it. Because I was willing to do what the men wouldn't and couldn't do, I have become the most valued member of my company. Yes I had to do some nasty cleanup the other programmers left behind but it gave me the reputation of being able to solve the problems nobody else could.
Think about the type of employe you want to become and see yourself as a woman doing that job. I think it should be possible.
Thank you for the responses. I was really wondering how many others started had doubts after starting HRT. Honestly, that's what I'm afraid of. Stopping hrt just to have the dysphoria come back even worse. A part of me wants to continue hrt but another part of me is afraid that it's the wrong path. I don't know.
As for work, I'm not so worried about losing my job as much as being ostracized and singled out. We had diversity/LGBT training a few months ago and some of the comments made by my male co-workers in the locker room were.....disparaging.
I know some of you mentioned that you stopped hrt then started it again. May I ask why you decided to stop hrt the first time?
If HRT helped, then it's highly likely you fall somewhere on the trans spectrum. Most cis males would be repulsed by the changes HRT induces.
The question only is where. You may be in my situation - HRT is enough to keep you sane, or you may need a full transition. Only you can tell.
Good luck :)
I'd be deathly afraid if I had to stop HRT at this point. Just a thought.
It will I stopped for one day and it freaked me out
As others have stated, it's your call as to whether to stay on HRT or not. I think Cindi hit it best at this stage it really be no different than the purge that many of us did time and time again for awhile. If you do stop, you always restart eventually if need by. Hugs
Mariah
In all honesty, I think if you stop, dysphoria will return. It did for me. I was pretty low when I had to stop for surgery and I don't know how I could handle cold turkey for an extended period.
But it is really up to you. Your brain chemistry/wiring is probably a little altered at this point so you won't be 100% back to where you were.
If anything you could aim to stay on a low dose to manage the dysphoria. It may affect your physical attributes such as strength and sexual function though.
i felt the same as yourself, i stopped taking my hormones for 6 months and all it did was confirm that i could never go back to being a man,
on my second round of hrt the dysphoria subsided again but my new found inner understanding held me strong and eventually the dysphoria started back up again after about 14 months and i was less concerned with being on hrt and now concerned on passing as female,
to this day i still have the dysphoria is pushing me to be more accepted as a woman and the thoughts of stopping hrt are minuscule, but without that downtime from hrt i wouldn't have the strength to understand my level of feminine self accceptance
i suggest you should stop taking hormones and really work on your innerself to understand if you truly want to transition
I thought about stopping HRT in the first 2-3 months of being on Spiro and E together. I was suffering all sorts of panic attacks and anxiety. I didn't believe my doctors when they said I was fine. My psychiatrist said I likely had panic disorder. I was sooo close to stopping, but deep down knew I had to give it a chance. The bodies hormone levels are all over the place in the early stages. Not completely correct for a Cis-Male or Cis Female... so the brain was likely sending me warning signs that something was wrong, when it was just part of the process.
Well I stayed with it, stopped worrying about all the stuff out of my control and 6 months later the panic attacks have pretty much ended. I've maybe had 1-2 in the last 3 months (compared to 3-4 a week). Looking forward to finding out my hormone levels tomorrow!
I couldn't imagine going off HRT now.. and I'm glad I stuck with it through the tough few months. I am very happy where I'm at right now in transition, life is great and I can't wait to see how it progresses from here.
It's totally up to you if you want to stop, but I'd bet money that the dysphoria will come back stronger than ever.
Only you can decide your future sweetie. We can only tell you our experiences and completely unprofessional opinons. haha :D
for me i can never stop. i on low dose, but still i drank the koolaid. Just knowing the mental state i was in before and where i am now removes any doubt. i too woork in construction. I wouldnt stand a chance coming out, so i low dose. low dose for about 2 years no major changes, i wear loose clothing.At least life is bearable somewhat, a recent bout of depression i believe was caused when the pharmacy switched generic patch brands, and for 3 months life became hell. Had doctor prescribe a twice a week patch, and things have gotten better. I cant see the harm if you feel this will be better for you, and you will know soon enough. Just dont forget how you feel on either road so you can remind yourself, why you chose a certain path.
There is one doctor whom I work with who would argue that HRT should be used as the ultimate diagnostic test of proper transness as opposed to "some sort of fetish" - (his words not mine) - because if someone likes the changes, which will likely include a change to their libido, it is more likely that they are properly trans. That beng the case if you like what has happened then stopping is unlikely to be a good plan as the dysphoria will almost certainly come back.
Quote from: Rejennyrated on August 25, 2015, 03:21:23 PM
There is one doctor whom I work with who would argue that HRT should be used as the ultimate diagnostic test of proper transness as opposed to "some sort of fetish" - (his words not mine) - because if someone likes the changes, which will likely include a change to their libido, it is more likely that they are properly trans. That beng the case if you like what has happened then stopping is unlikely to be a good plan as the dysphoria will almost certainly come back.
I guess I really am transgender, then. I started spironolactone and finasteride last month, a very low dose, and two weeks ago my endocrinologist upped the spiro and fin, and added estradiol patches. About two days after slapping that first patch on my rear end, I was looking in the mirror, and I had the oddest feeling. I liked myself. Or at least I was content. I have suffered my whole life with a poor sense of self-worth, never liking myself, never happy with my life, no matter what I may have accomplished. This feeling was a shock!
The feeling abated somewhat, unfortunately, but I could not describe what it was. Then it dawned on me, that feeling was
lack of dysphoria. I had always just assumed that gender dysphoria was all about the anguish of "not being female", or some sort of body image problem. My dysphoria was much more basic than that. I have never liked myself.
So now I feel rather asexual. I used to love to dress. The clothes and shoes, the lingerie, the makeup and jewelry. I would spend hours on the weekends, dressing up and luxuriating in the feel of femininity. That's mostly gone now. Instead I feel fine just throwing on a t-shirt dress, and some nice dangly earrings or hoops, and that's it. But I'm happy.
I can't see stopping HRT, or my transition, though. Granted, I am not risking a lot yet. My kids don't know, and I certainly look like a man at work, even with my shoulder-length hair and pierced ears. My beard is nearly gone. I'll be done with electrolysis by the end of the year, if not sooner. I am getting some serious man-boobs though, lol. I can definitely feel them. That worries me a bit. I had planned on going stealth for at least another year.
I am really thankful for all the comments in this thread. Transition is always a little scary. It's comforting to know other have been down this path.
Terri
Thank you ladies for all the advice.
Quote from: luna nyan on August 25, 2015, 03:06:09 AM
If HRT helped, then it's highly likely you fall somewhere on the trans spectrum. Most cis males would be repulsed by the changes HRT induces.
I think so too Luna, I have to admit that I love the changes and constantly check myself daily, although I the sensitivity is a bit annoying.
Quote from: Mariah2014 on August 25, 2015, 05:57:37 AM
As others have stated, it's your call as to whether to stay on HRT or not. I think Cindi hit it best at this stage it really be no different than the purge that many of us did time and time again for awhile. If you do stop, you always restart eventually if need by. Hugs
Mariah
I feel the same way, if I stop, it's going to come right back. I can't remember the amount of times I purged and had the need to start again.
Quote from: Madison (kiara jamie) on August 25, 2015, 12:47:47 PM
i felt the same as yourself, i stopped taking my hormones for 6 months and all it did was confirm that i could never go back to being a man,
i suggest you should stop taking hormones and really work on your innerself to understand if you truly want to transition
You know, I thought about stopping many times but I don't know if I'm more afraid to stop or continue with hrt. I think part of that is where the confusion is.
Quote from: Stephanie00Rayne on August 25, 2015, 01:06:33 PM
I thought about stopping HRT in the first 2-3 months of being on Spiro and E together. I was suffering all sorts of panic attacks and anxiety. I didn't believe my doctors when they said I was fine. My psychiatrist said I likely had panic disorder. I was sooo close to stopping, but deep down knew I had to give it a chance. The bodies hormone levels are all over the place in the early stages. Not completely correct for a Cis-Male or Cis Female... so the brain was likely sending me warning signs that something was wrong, when it was just part of the process.
Stephanie, I totally relate to the mixed up emotions from the hormone balance, I was all over the place too, emotionally and mentally (still am!) so I'm hoping some of the confusion goes away. There are days, sometimes even hours or minutes where I will feel that all this is totally right and other times I think "what the hell am I doing."
Quote from: brenda w on August 25, 2015, 03:01:44 PM
for me i can never stop. i on low dose, but still i drank the koolaid. Just knowing the mental state i was in before and where i am now removes any doubt. i too woork in construction. I wouldnt stand a chance coming out, so i low dose. low dose for about 2 years no major changes, i wear loose clothing.At least life is bearable somewhat, a recent bout of depression i believe was caused when the pharmacy switched generic patch brands, and for 3 months life became hell. Had doctor prescribe a twice a week patch, and things have gotten better. I cant see the harm if you feel this will be better for you, and you will know soon enough. Just dont forget how you feel on either road so you can remind yourself, why you chose a certain path.
I actually work for a government agency so there's that......I have to leave if I want to fully transition without the hassle from other individuals in the agency. For at least a year, I think that I would be able to hide my physical changes but I do have to worry about our annual physical, written, and drug testing (don't think they test for estrogen.)
Quote from: Rejennyrated on August 25, 2015, 03:21:23 PM
There is one doctor whom I work with who would argue that HRT should be used as the ultimate diagnostic test of proper transness as opposed to "some sort of fetish" - (his words not mine) - because if someone likes the changes, which will likely include a change to their libido, it is more likely that they are properly trans. That beng the case if you like what has happened then stopping is unlikely to be a good plan as the dysphoria will almost certainly come back.
I totally agree, and that's what I'm afraid of. Stopping, thinking I'm ok, then realizing that I was trans all along and having to go through all that mental and emotional angst because of the dysphoria.
Quote from: Maybebaby56 on August 26, 2015, 08:18:02 PM
So now I feel rather asexual. I used to love to dress. The clothes and shoes, the lingerie, the makeup and jewelry. I would spend hours on the weekends, dressing up and luxuriating in the feel of femininity. That's mostly gone now. Instead I feel fine just throwing on a t-shirt dress, and some nice dangly earrings or hoops, and that's it. But I'm happy.
I can so relate! Except the happy part that is. Before hrt, I HAD to dress up. Now, its more like, "Hey, I just want to be comfortable."
Thank you for the responses, I think I'll continue with hrt for now. I might detransition, I might not. But for now, I think I'll continue.
Autumn
QuoteI actually work for a government agency so there's that......I have to leave if I want to fully transition without the hassle from other individuals in the agency. For at least a year, I think that I would be able to hide my physical changes but I do have to worry about our annual physical, written, and drug testing (don't think they test for estrogen.)
A government agency is the one place where I would think you would have real job security and protection from harassment. If you do have problems on the job and they aren't corrected, sue and then retire for life. That was an option I never had because it used to be legal to discriminate against transsexuals.
Quote from: Dena on August 26, 2015, 09:56:07 PM
A government agency is the one place where I would think you would have real job security and protection from harassment. If you do have problems on the job and they aren't corrected, sue and then retire for life. That was an option I never had because it used to be legal to discriminate against transsexuals.
I actually do have job security and protection. I also don't think I would get harassed. It would be more of a subtle ostracism and distain from others and just my discomfort transitioning at a place that happens to be bleeding machismo. I plan on leaving soon anyway. I'm sorry to hear that you were harassed, it sucks going through all of this on top of people acting like you have the plague or something.
Quote from: Maybebaby56 on August 26, 2015, 08:18:02 PM
I guess I really am transgendered, then. I started spironolactone and finasteride last month, a very low dose, and two weeks ago my endorcrinologist upped the spiro and fin, and added estradiol patches. About two days after slapping that first patch on my rear end, I was looking in the mirror, and I had the oddest feeling. I liked myself. Or at least I was content. I have suffered my whole life with a poor sense of self-worth, never liking myself, never happy with my life, no matter what I may have accomplished. This feeling was a shock!
The feeling abated somewhat, unfortunately, but I could not describe what it was. Then it dawned on me, that feeling was lack of dysphoria. I had always just assumed that gender dysphoria was all about the anguish of "not being female", or some sort of body image problem. My dysphoria was much more basic than that. I have never liked myself.
I got a strong feeling of euphoria when I started HRT and every time I get a new implant, and unfortunately it does die off after a little while. I asked my endo about its and he explained its homeostasis, or the body adjusting to a change in the hormone level. Its a wonderful feeling while it lasts though, and I can't wait for the next one.
Even after the euphoria dies off I'm left feeling normal, which is great, and makes me wonder if I've ever felt normal in in my life before. Certainly not in recent years.
Quote from: Autumnleaf on August 26, 2015, 11:14:55 PM
I actually do have job security and protection. I also don't think I would get harassed. It would be more of a subtle ostracism and distain from others and just my discomfort transitioning at a place that happens to be bleeding machismo. I plan on leaving soon anyway. I'm sorry to hear that you were harassed, it sucks going through all of this on top of people acting like you have the plague or something.
More by my employer. In those days the only ones with rights were minorities and the LGBT were not included. We knew it going in so if it happened, we expected it.
Quote from: Laurette Mohr on August 25, 2015, 03:08:56 AM
I'd be deathly afraid if I had to stop HRT at this point. Just a thought.
I am in that camp too and once had an anxiety attack when I left my "man away" drugs at home when on a trip. I asked to have them sent overnight post. Going back is the stuff of nightmares for this girl. And then I do understand the cycles of denial and purge and the weight of the work place. Harsh choices sometimes.
I have to have dot physicals every 2 years I don't think the doctor is allowed to disclose anything I tell them. I also take frequent drug test and you are correct they don't check for estrogen. A more interesting conversation recently with my therapist, I told her I feel good but I don't feel feminine, she said she has seen this before in patients who have to switch back and forth in gender roles, and that for some its easier to stay in male mode, which I completely agree with in my situation.
Quote from: Autumnleaf on August 26, 2015, 11:14:55 PM
I actually do have job security and protection. I also don't think I would get harassed. It would be more of a subtle ostracism and distain from others and just my discomfort transitioning at a place that happens to be bleeding machismo. I plan on leaving soon anyway. I'm sorry to hear that you were harassed, it sucks going through all of this on top of people acting like you have the plague or something.
I can relate. I, too, have a federal job, in the Department of Defense. Yes, I have strong legal protections, and while I don't think I would be overtly harassed, I think I would be quietly excluded. I work in an applied military R&D environment, and internal networking, and "being one of the guys" is practically a job requirement. Funding is very competitive and very much subject to office politics. Program managers give money to people they know and like. That is something I was taught early in my career. I fear no one would want to work with me. My experience, past success, and technical credentials will matter little.
People starting then stopping HRT is so common that among therapists who have large trans clienteles, they discuss this openly. Here's one article by a therapist who discusses seeing this problem over and over, even in some individuals repeatedly who refuse to believe that they are better off staying on HRT.
In the end, only you can decide. But ask yourself this - if HRT calmed your dysphoria, will you resume HRT if it comes back? And if it calms it again, will you stop HRT again? Over and over? Who are you kidding at that point?
My advice, not being a medical expert, would be if you're really serious, then stop. But if dysphoria returns and resuming HRT fixes it again, then it's time to admit to yourself that you are trans and you need to transition.
http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm