Hello everyone,
I have been on here for a little while and made a few posts in an effort to try and understand what I am. I thought that I accepted myself, at least to a small degree, that I am trans in one of its many forms.
During the past week or so, I thought I had a handle on things and was able to deal with my dysphoria and keep it contained in my head. It seemed to be working right up until yesterday. Yesterday when I woke up, I had this incredible urge to shave my legs once again (it had been several weeks since the last time). It was almost as if I was possessed and not in control of my own actions. I then put on a pair of stockings, a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and went out to be shops. It was my first time ever wearing anything visibly feminine in public. It felt good wearing it, but whenever I saw my reflection in a shop window, all I saw was a guy wearing stockings. I was filled with such complete and utter shame and disgust with myself. I hated my very existence. Which then led me down the path of thinking dark thoughts.
When I got home, I calmly took the stockings off and wrapped them tightly around my neck until I could actually hear my heart beat. I had no intention to harm myself, but I don't know why I did what I did. It terrifies me that my mind even went there. I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom and am a little worried that a day might actually come were my net toons are to actually go through with such a stupid action.
Why do I need to hit bottom before I can truly accept myself? Is this normal?
Just to be clear, I don't consider myself suicidal and do not want to end myself. It would be a stupid, selfish, coward act with no consideration for those who love and care for me. I don't know why I did what I did and hope I never do anything like that again.
I feel so stupid!
Jayne
QuoteDo you need to hit rock bottom before truly accepting yourself?
No, it is all piece of cake, sweetheart.
I think for many of us what you are finding is a common thread. For me it was similar except I always accepted myself. I just thought I could beat it and ride out the storm for life. Hitting rock bottom changed my mind on that.
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I am having such an awe full time of accepting myself. I don't want to be trans with every fibre of my being. Not because I think there is anything wrong with being trans. It's because I fear that the only solution for me would be to go all in with a full transition. I just want to be a normal guy. I don't think I have the mental strength to go through a transition with all the hurdles that come with it.
It seemed easier to cope when I used to tell myself that I was never meant to be happy and will just live my life simply existing.
Jayne
I don't recommend it. It sucks.
If transition is right for you, it will be worth it, no matter what you will have had to sacrifice.
If transition is right for you, it will not go away.
For me it was in the climb back up from the bottom that I found self acceptance. I had been practicing more and more self care beginning with putting down the bottle. Before that I was a suicidal alcoholic mess and had just lived my lowest year ever. But I chose life and a few years later it became clear that I would always feel unworthy of life if I couldn't find a way to love mine in toto.
The best part? Finding my love of the world grow with my opinion of myself.
You may not need to hit your bottom but you do need to love yourself. One can't love things in part. Just know that you are good and you are worthy. People care about you and the world needs you in it, happy and whole.
Jayne, I'm not certain that you necessarily have to hit rock bottom so to speak before accepting yourself. I had two unsuccessful suicide attempts in the past yet my station was not necessarily at rock bottom status. In general, we all have our own perception of what rock bottom actually is, although I can say I have been there before on another issue that involved excessive use and abuse of alcohol. When I was working undercover for four years I finally hit rock bottom; the things that you will do and put in your body when you have a gun to your head to gain trust of those you are investigating. I not only came within an ant's length of losing my wife and family, I came even closer to losing myself.
I am a little concerned that you went that close to the edge; even folks who engage in euphoric asphyxia have accidents. I used to have this mummification fetish and often engaged in this type of activity. I even would perform on cam self suffocation and although the money was good, I might as well have been playing with a loaded gun. Be careful, honey, please; sometimes some of our best intentions will get us or someone else killed. At this point I could care less about anyone else; I care about you.
Now just because you don't consider yourself suicidal does not mean that you actually are; we have all sorts of ways of convincing ourselves something is not so. I really want you to talk to someone if you need to; remember we have crisis hot lines here that you can call. Otherwise, remember I will track you down, bring you to my house, and lock you in the basement with both my coo coo for coco puffs Dachshund and Miniature Schnauzer!!!!!
Don't fret about looking like the perfect Barbie doll right now either. While it was brave of you to go out how you did, you have more important things to take care of first. Transitioning is a process that does not happen overnight, nor follows a generic one size fits all plan. It comes in steps, and you cannot get to the eighth rung of a ladder without using the first few ones to guide yourself up. Anything else would be dangerous and counterproductive.
I have to go for now - the Mayor locked himself out of his office and he wants to crash in mine until a locksmith comes out. He is like See-n-Say with the string stuck, so no point in typing until I send him on his way. I told him I have the universal key but I'm thinking he might want to go with plan B.
You take care, ya hear? Be safe, and know that you have resources if you need them. You were brave enough to venture out how you did, so we all know that you're brave enough to call for help if you need it.
Always,
Marlo
Thank you all for your support.
Marlo, I know what I did was really dumb. I don't have any explanation why I did it. My intention was never to harm myself and I do know that accidents can still happen. I was thinking that exact thing while I was doing it, but I still did it. Dumb! Just plain dumb! That is on the top of my list of things to talk to my therapist about when I see her next week.
I don't want to look like the perfect barbie doll. I don't even want to be a woman. I just want to be a normal guy. As my wife keeps telling me, that ship has sailed, gone on a long cruise and sunk. So I guess "normal" is not an option, whatever normal is.
Thank you all for caring.
Jayne
Personally I think this must be the hardest part of transition - I assume you are pre- everything trans?
At the moment, I am pre surgery and pre-hormones, and what I see in the mirror is not what I am. It makes it difficult for everyone, not just me, to take what I say about my condition seriously. I guess that is the same for you, too as you mentioned what you saw was a man wearing stockings which did not fit either with your view of what men or women should be.
Later stages of transition things begin to improve - or so I'm told - in numerous ways. How one looks, obviously... but also how one feels and perceives will change too. So this is probably the worst part, coming to terms with the feeling before you take steps to fix the problems.
Hi T.K.G.W.
Yes, I am pre everything. I've been seeing avtherapust for a couple of months now, been on this website for a couple months more, and have told my wife. That's it. Oh.... And frequent mental breakdowns where I don't know who or what I am.
I don't want anything in my life to change except my body. I keep trying to imagine my life as a woman and I can't seem to make myself fit in. I'm just not interested in any of the girlie type things. I know I'm stereotyping, but I don't know many people so I have very little to compare to and I don't compare to any woman I know. In a mans world I feel like a square peg in a round hole and in a woman's world I feel like a round peg in a square hole. I'm not a very outgoing person so it is extremely difficult for me to make friends. I can count my friends on 2 fingers, 3 fingers if I count a childhood friend from the 2nd grade. I have my work colleagues, but mostly they are just that. Good people, but not close friends. So, if I was to lose the only friends I had....
I'm not sure what I am trying to say here. I lost my train of thought.
Jayne
I always felt left out of both the men's and women's worlds. Once I got a few months into transition that changed and I feel at home with the ladies as well as the non binary. I had always been a tomboy internally and now that is on the outside for everyone to see. I don't like frilly things either. Guess what? The world is full of tomboys and butch women of every stripe. I still only have one skirt that I wear very rarely and a couple of dresses that I felt obligated to buy that have never seen the light of day. I don't wear makeup for the most part and my shoes tend to be running shoes. One pair is black and pink, the other is a red and blue pair of men's sneakers. But because I am a woman most people are surprised by that. They read thaem as female shoes because a woman is wearing them. There are surprises in transition. Finding out what your womanhood will be like is the best part.
I was mostly friendless too and now I have almost no close friends. But I am building my life anew and growing as a person. I am getting new friends, folks who know and love the real me. Don't let fear be your leader. It is hard, I won't lie, but I am sure it is worth it!
I have been there too. Realizing your trans is scary. It can kinda be a shock to the system. I remember when I first realized that I was trans. I started to let my mannerisms and stuff do their naturally feminine thing, and it felt so good then I got called "->-bleeped-<-" a few times. Then I went back into my shell and started to think "how can I do this when I can't even handle being called a ->-bleeped-<-." Plus the chance that I might not ever be able to attend a family event if they found out that I was trans. So I kinda freaked out. I couldn't sleep that night. I tried to picture my future self as a man and the only image that came into my mind were images of me committing suicide. This shocked me as I wasn't suicidal like ever before this, I couldn't sleep for the next few hours and then I decided that I needed to do something. Unfortunately the only thing that I found to do was taking a bunch of sleeping pills ( like way too many). The next day after God knows how many hours of sleep I woke up with determination to survive. And that meant exploring my gender Identity.
I don't think it is required to hit rock bottom but I did. So know that I feel your pain and you will get better.
Thank you all so much for your support. It is very reassuring to know that when I feel lost and alone there is always someone here willing to listen and offer support. Knowing that I'm not going through this alone and that others have been down this path and survived is pretty much what is keeping me going at the moment.
I am so terrified of what transition might mean for me. I might be making it out into something bigger than it needs to be. Right now I have more confidence and less fear to perform open heart surgery on myself than to face transition.
Thank you so much. I can't say that enough. You have really warmed my heart to know you all care so much.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 02, 2015, 07:09:38 PM
Thank you all so much for your support. It is very reassuring to know that when I feel lost and alone there is always someone here willing to listen and offer support. Knowing that I'm not going through this alone and that others have been down this path and survived is pretty much what is keeping me going at the moment.
I am so terrified of what transition might mean for me. I might be making it out into something bigger than it needs to be. Right now I have more confidence and less fear to perform open heart surgery on myself than to face transition.
Thank you so much. I can't say that enough. You have really warmed my heart to know you all care so much.
Jayne
It is scary. Just take your time. Work through your feelings. See a therapist if possible. Remember that transitioning is a really slow process. Fortunately u don't need to be out to start hormones. And you don't need to live as ur preferred gender right away either. Do what you feel is best, and stay safe in the process!
Thanks Amber. I am seeing a therapist. She is very good. However, sometimes between sessions I lose my mind a bit and then posts like this one happen.
I keep telling myself my preferred gender is male. My brain chemistry does not agree and I'm having a bit of an internal battle with myself. I am slowly, emphasis on SLOOOOOOWLY, starting to learn to stop fighting myself and just accept myself for who I really am. Between all you wonderful people on here, my therapist and my most amazingly wonderful wife, I will get there eventually.
Jayne
And to think my dachshund was really looking forward to "meeting" you lol :-)
You stay safe, sweetie
Marlo
I don't think I've ever had much problem accepting I'm transgender, but I do have a big problem doing anything about it.
I've been trying to avoid transitioning and its been driving me nuts. Last year I got so depressed that for the first time ever I was really scared where it was leading. I began to understand why people committed suicide, and I've never understand that before. I took a few more steps towards transition, and feel much better, for now at least.
In my case at least, if you don't do anything its only gets worse with time. Much much worse. Years ago I thought this might be a possibility and started changing my life to minimize the problems it would cause. I've made good progress towards that, but it would still turn my life upside down.
I do feel I'm losing out by not transitioning, but I'm still not doing it. Medical only for the moment, no social.
Hi AnonyMs,
Forgive my ignorance, but how can you transition medically without doing it socially? Doesn't medical cause physical changes that would "out" you socially? I only ask because I don't know and that might be a possibility for me to explore for myself.
Jayne
Medically without socially would be HRT without further surgeries. Lower dose HRT might also minimize, or at least slow, physical changes and give you time to think. You can keep presenting male, but might have to do things like not go shirtless or wear tight t shirts depending on HRT's effects.
It affects everyone a little differently but if you don't change your presentation people probably won't notice, or at least won't make that connection.
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Aha! Thanks Deborah.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 02, 2015, 10:19:50 PM
Hi AnonyMs,
Forgive my ignorance, but how can you transition medically without doing it socially? Doesn't medical cause physical changes that would "out" you socially? I only ask because I don't know and that might be a possibility for me to explore for myself.
Jayne
I've been on low dose HRT for more than 5 years, and full transitioning dose for over a year and I have no problems passing as male. No one has a clue. I have a light beard or stubble, and its impossible to see past that. I hide my breasts with baggy clothes, but they are only about c-cup so its still possible. It might start to get uncomfortable if they were much larger. Nothing else is visible. You mileage may vary of course. You might find it very hard to stop in the middle once you've started though. I've had some problems with that.
I regard medical as all those things which are medical, and social as presenting female. For me medical things I'm prepared to do include HRT and SRS, but not electrolysis, FFS or BA. I'd like to do them but I don't think I can't continue to pass male if I do. Its a very common myth that you can't get SRS in this situation, but its not correct. In some countries/doctors you won't get HRT if you don't intended to fully transition, but there's ways around that, for some people at least.
My current plan is to socially transition only if my personal situation changes sufficiently or I get truly desperate, and if/when that happens I'll do it all as quickly as I can. I've been planning for all the possible outcomes ever since I realized I was trans, and I've gone to excessive lengths working out how to do things and make myself safe.
Dear Jayne:
First, there's a reason why trans-people have awful well-being stats. What you did was something, not sure what but suggest your therapist and you need to talk ASAP.
Rock bottom ain't a place you want to go. I attempted suicide and for certain the other side of that event was nothing I ever want to experience again.
Rachel
Thanks AnonyMs for the detailed reply. I have a couple more questions for you.
You mentioned that you have had some problems with stopping in the middle once you started. What do you mean by that? Medical problems, or resistance to stop because you don't want to?
Also, are you in Australia? I thought I might have read one of your posts somewhere else which made me think you are in Australia. I'm from Sydney myself.
Rachel, thank you for caring. I don't know what exactly it was that I attempted, but it is definitely on the top of my list for my therapist. I don't even remotely feel depressed right now. I definitely don't want to be at rock bottom. I'm pretty close now, but I'm confident that I won't do anything idiotic! The world is such a beautiful and wonderful place. There is so much I want to see and do, I don't want to miss out. And I most certainly do not want to ruin my wife's life by being a selfish, cowardly moron and do something stupid, just to have her live her life with pain and sorrow. NO WAY. I will do that to her.
I wasn't attempting suicide. But for the life of me, I don't know what I was trying to do. Dumb!!!! I guess that was me using up all my dumb credits up at once. I just need to be rational and smart from now on.
Thank you all again for caring. That means so much to me.
Jayne
Well, I knew that I had to do something serious about my "Trans" issues as I had reached the point that if I was to have a heart attack, I would not have called for help !
So, I decided that it was going to be Hormones and as of Tomorrow, I am on Estradiol and I have done something positive.
Call it life affirmation, not life rejection.
when you feel like crap , take a positive step, there is life after Disphoria
Anna
For me, it took hitting rock bottom. I was drinking pretty heavily, lost my marriage, and was on the verge of quitting my PhD research. The constant anxiety and depression was making offing myself look more and more attractive every day. Then I slowly started to give in. Dressing in private. Going out (at least) androgynous. Seeing a therapist. And finally, deciding to come out and start taking the steps necessary to get HRT. My life is so much better today than it was a year ago.
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 02, 2015, 05:45:45 PM
Hi T.K.G.W.
Yes, I am pre everything. I've been seeing avtherapust for a couple of months now, been on this website for a couple months more, and have told my wife. That's it. Oh.... And frequent mental breakdowns where I don't know who or what I am.
I don't want anything in my life to change except my body. I keep trying to imagine my life as a woman and I can't seem to make myself fit in. I'm just not interested in any of the girlie type things. I know I'm stereotyping, but I don't know many people so I have very little to compare to and I don't compare to any woman I know. In a mans world I feel like a square peg in a round hole and in a woman's world I feel like a round peg in a square hole. I'm not a very outgoing person so it is extremely difficult for me to make friends. I can count my friends on 2 fingers, 3 fingers if I count a childhood friend from the 2nd grade. I have my work colleagues, but mostly they are just that. Good people, but not close friends. So, if I was to lose the only friends I had....
I'm not sure what I am trying to say here. I lost my train of thought.
Jayne
If you mean it's the body specifically that is your problem, and not so much the roles, I understand. My body is the only problem I have - otherwise there is nothing else about myself that will change. But then I am completely happy with who I am (after much struggle to reach this point, mind you) and I know I am not going to fit some male stereotype the moment I can consider myself legally male.
In my case, the pegs in the wrong hole doesn't matter because I've always been a social misfit, I'm very used to it. If you are also, then I wouldn't worry to much about the implications of changing your body. You'll just continue to be you, except you will be less dysphoric about the things that matter to you.
Don't people always say to be yourself no matter what? Even in cis circles. Being yourself is the quality of not caring what others think of you more than what you yourself think of yourself. It's a difficult thing to do but worth the effort in this case I think.
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 03, 2015, 01:40:06 AM
Thanks AnonyMs for the detailed reply. I have a couple more questions for you.
You mentioned that you have had some problems with stopping in the middle once you started. What do you mean by that? Medical problems, or resistance to stop because you don't want to?
Also, are you in Australia? I thought I might have read one of your posts somewhere else which made me think you are in Australia. I'm from Sydney myself.
I'm in Sydney and I've found some really good support here. I've had no issues getting what I need, and the psych and endo both know I have no intention of transitioning. It helps to know who to speak to.
The problem in stopping is that when you start HRT you (I) start you suddenly feel really really good, maybe like you've never lived before. You can't go back (I tried stopping HRT a bunch of times), and you begin to see what life might be like and its hard to give it up. Easier if you never knew what you're missing. I think there' may also mental changes on HRT that push you along, but I'm not sure. I do know that as the years pass that my feeling have got much stronger and that what was ok before is no longer so. I think its a common story.
I didn't want to cause my family problems, but not doing enough was driving me crazy. The depression was making me unfit to live with, and its was getting worse. A therapist pointed out that it might be better to be divorced than what I was doing to my family, and he had a very good point. And it was getting worse. My depression has been so bad its affected my blood test results in a very bad way, and yet I wasn't yet suicidal - its hard to imagine how awful that must be. So you can get to the point where you're not helping anyone at all by not transitioning, and really you're actively harming them.
I'm attempting to balance on the edge between not transitioning and keeping my sanity. I've no idea how its going to work out, but I've been ok for the last year. I don't think its a ideal solution, but I'm all out of those. This is the least bad thing I can think if.
Hi Jayne,
I've read some of your recent posts. I can well understand how you wouldn't want to be this person transitioning. You want to maintain and control it intellectually. But that is difficult.
I always thought that I could think/act away my transgender feelings just by choosing to do so: I've got willpower, I can do this.
But. It's hard, with the best will in the world, to keep battling within yourself and against yourself. It becomes nigh on impossible to function. And it's as though everything, in as much as you're able to focus on it, is suspended- waiting for you to make the decision that you have to make, the one you've always known about, but have never wanted to confront.
And then - when you bring it out in the open.........whilst there's a sense of liberation, there is also massive trepidation- where is it all going? The cat's out of the bag, and you can't really go back.
For me, trying to push it away (having come out to my partner) was what drove me very close to the edge. Denial was only going to lead me over it.
My experience certainly isn't everybody's but, yes, I think there is a sense of having to get to, or very near, rock bottom ( and that can be a painful, slow process in itself) before realising that you have to make that decision- whatever that may be.
You're doing all the right things with therapy etc. I hope you can make the decision/s you need to make and that you're happy with them.
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 03, 2015, 01:40:06 AM
Thanks AnonyMs for the detailed reply. I have a couple more questions for you.
You mentioned that you have had some problems with stopping in the middle once you started. What do you mean by that? Medical problems, or resistance to stop because you don't want to? .
Jayne
i'll add my experience here. I did DIY hormones about 10 years ago and stopped them after I became afraid of health complications and because I thought I really had a handle on it all since the dysphoria had gotten a lot lower.
Health wise I was worried because I had gained a lot of weight, gotten really high blood pressure, and was feeling chest pains. [Most of these bad things I think I can attribute to a combination of not getting counseling and having a really unbalanced DIY hormone schedule]. This time around with a Dr I am not having those issues.
Anyway, after stopping it was all good for a while but the badness gradually crept back in. Finally, after exhausting every coping mechanism possible I was starting to feel the black depths I was in before the first time around when I was rehearsing ending it with my pistol.
Maybe now it was even worse because I knew from experience that there was a solution. I just needed to seize it. So finally I did.
As for how far you might need to go, for me I think of it as an analogy of living your life in a dark cave, absent of light. When you start HRT you catch a glimpse of the light at the cave entrance and start moving towards it. As HRT progresses you move closer and closer to the entrance without stepping out into the lush green forest.
The question then becomes in your mind is living at the edge of the cave good enough or do you need to go further into the bright unknown. Each of us has to answer that question individually, but at this stage I can tell you that mentally living at the edge of the cave is a whole lot better than in the complete darkness I left behind.
What do I mean by that? HRT without social transition has given me clarity of thought. I actually feel like my mind works better without the fog of dysphoria dampening every waking moment. It has removed a constant anger and anxiousness I always felt before. And the physical changes as they come seem to be bringing my mind and body in synch. It just feels righter looking in the mirror. I didn't really hate myself before and actually had a pretty good physique for a male but it always felt discordant, like an avatar rather than myself.
I think taking those first steps up and out are so important. You can always stop at any point or go back anytime you want if that works for you. Or you can stop along the way and rest a while considering the benefits and risks. I am moving slowly along but as the light gets brighter it also becomes more alluring
Ask yourself this? Is what you are doing now working and do you foresee it getting better by intellect and willpower alone? If not, then maybe it's time to take the first step, to see how far you need to go and don't need to go.
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I didn't accept myself until I hit rock bottom, but I don't think that's universal. And I most definitely don't recommend letting yourself hit rock bottom, as it took me quite some time to crawl back out. Since you already acknowledge that things are difficult, you're also in a much better place than I was to work things out before it comes to that.
Wow! So many responses. Thank you all so much.
Anna, I have had similar feelings and thoughts, except mine did not involve a heart attack. I keep thinking if I was crossing the street and I tripped and fell, and I saw a truck coming, I'm not entirely sure I would be in a hurry to get up out of the way. I would never jump in front of a truck intentionally, but if it happened accidentally, there are times that I wonder what I would do. That kind of scares me a bit.
WorkingOnThomas, thankfully I don't drink, because I could probably quite easily have become an alcoholic. My therapist once asked me if I was interested in HRT. I said I didn't know, but if I said I want it, I'm pretty sure she is ready and willing to give me the necessary letter. By the way, if it's OK for me to ask, what is your PhD research about?
T.K.G.W., yes I do mean it's my body that causes me the discomfort. I am quite happy with my current role as it is. I don't really know how to find the right balance between gender identity and gender role. Good advice about being yourself. The trick is knowing what being yourself means. After 43 years, I'm confused and have trouble distinguishing between who the real me is and who I think the real me is in order to fit in society.
AnonyMs, nice to see another Sydney didn't here. I might need to speak to my therapist a bit about some pros and cons of HRT. I'm sorry that your depression is affecting your health. Depression is awful. I haven't been diagnosed as having any form of clinical depression, but my gender issues are certainly causing me to have big mood swings, spending more time in the feeling down and depressed than happy and cheery mood. I know that when I spend any length of time feeling down, it then gets my wife feeling down. Your mood tends to rub off on people and my wife reminded me of that only recently when I managed to get her feeling really bad. Knowing I was the main reason of her mood really upset me. I hated doing that to her. I'm glad you are finding some kind of balance to keep yourself sane and ok.
Ros, I would so much like to control these transgender feelings with willpower. Doing so drains so much energy. It should not be so difficult to simply exist, and I want to do more than exist. I don't want to be in denial and pretend these feelings don't exist. It would be nice to be able to somehow integrate these feelings into "me" without transitioning. I don't know how to do that though.
Deborah, to answer your question. No, what I am currently doing is not really working. Sometimes I think that yes! I can control this. I got this. But that doesn't last for long, followed by a spectacular crash and burn, so to speak. The analogy I have always used for my self is that I am in a glass bubble sort just hovering around observing other people live, but never actually being part of it, always on the outside looking in (or inside looking out).
Rina, I don't think I'm at rock bottom, but I'm close enough to see the bottom, and it doesn't look like s place I want to hang around. So if I do hit the bottom, I want it only as something to push off on my way back up, like when you push off the bottom of a swimming pool back towards the surface.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 03, 2015, 01:40:06 AM
And I most certainly do not want to ruin my wife's life by being a selfish, cowardly moron and do something stupid, just to have her live her life with pain and sorrow. NO WAY. I will do that to her.
I wasn't attempting suicide. But for the life of me, I don't know what I was trying to do. Dumb!!!! I guess that was me using up all my dumb credits up at once. I just need to be rational and smart from now on.
Thank you all again for caring. That means so much to me.
Jayne
Hi Jayne:
Your comment highlighted above begs the obvious question: What about "for you?"
I ask because as much as your wife is truly important, you are equally so . . .
Rachel
Hi Jayne,
I'm a historian, and my research is on a form of early modern discourse about the Americas relating to race/ethnicity. I enjoy it, but I know it bores the ->-bleeped-<- out of everyone else. :D
Thomas
I could be wrong but the gender identity is your true self, and the gender role is the minimum standards of behavior or appearance necessary out there to be accepted as a specific gender. I don't think any of us will know how to balance that out exactly until we have experiences in the new gender role and get used to it.
I think I know what you mean, I myself have always been an oddball (or really just "been myself" but odd to everyone else probably because of the gender discrepancy) and feel like I know myself very well, but even I feel at times like I have no idea how I've survived this long, or what mental process I employed to block out the dysphoria and attempt to live a cis life. I didn't try to be a female, but I did do something to shut out the "female" and dissociate myself from it so strongly and I have no idea or recollection what that was. It worked quite well, but if I had to tell someone now how I did this or that in my life while also being trans, I'm at a loss to explain to them how I did manage it.
It might be good to get some alone time and do some thinking about yourself, figure yourself out and try to separate the real you from the conditioned. I'm in the process myself of trying to unravel just how I managed to ignore my biggest problem for so long.
I wouldn't say I had to reach rock-bottom before I could admit that I was trans.
I did have to hit rock-bottom before I accepted that I had to stop trying to be what I thought other people expected me to be and start finding out who I was inside.
About 12 years ago, I realized that the only thing I was looking forward to was dying and was likely to be dead in a few years, and I couldn't do that to my kids. I got a separation and then a divorce from my wife and vowed not to ever again try to turn myself into something I wasn't. I will choose to be alone, for the rest of my life if necessary, rather than a relationship where I feel I can't be who I really am.
Of course, a corollary was that I have to actually find out who I really am, and I've spent the past 10 years trying to do that. It was in the process of doing that that I ran across the blog post that made me consider that I might be trans. And here I am :)
Hi Jayne,
Everything you've said pretty much applies to me too. Except for the fact I am in no way in a place where I could go out wearing anything. But its the same thing. I bought a few things just to see if it helped and today I just put on a t-shirt, some leggings and converses at home. I liked how it looked and felt and looking down at my legs seeing a sort of feminine shape makes me happy but then like you I look in the mirror and it feels awful. I see my huge feet, arms, hands, head and upper body and I just wanted to take it all off immediately. I think that I look awful.
I really hope you don't have to hit rock bottom first but its the same question I'm trying to answer myself. The last year where I've started trying to find a solution to this rather than burying it has been an attempt to prevent myself getting to that place, even though right now I still want to bury it.
It's a horrible thing to try and answer. My conclusion right now is that transition wouldn't make me happy because I'm not really going to look how I would want to look. The alternative approach of hormones purely for mental relief doesn't seem like an option because being outed by physical changes would be absolutely disastrous. That leaves trying to accept myself regardless. But all the time in the knowledge that if I do have to hit rock bottom first then I'm going to have put myself through so much that could have been avoidable. Firstly there's what rock bottom might entail. I already have similar moments to you. Sometimes if I'm on an empty road I put my foot to the floor and shut my eyes. I don't know why and I always open them. I wouldn't kill myself but I definitely have the feeling that I don't care if I die.
Then there's also the fact that if I have to wait to hit rock bottom all the reasons why I actually don't want to transition right now are only going to be worse. I'm 26 so maybe there's a tiny bit of still being young that might help with how I'd look but if I have to wait until I hit rock bottom then that will be gone.
It really is an incredibly tough question to answer and that scares me because maybe the only time it won't be tough is at rock bottom. I'd like to avoid getting to that place if I can. Good luck figuring it out.
Quote from: Kellam on November 02, 2015, 06:26:02 PM
I always felt left out of both the men's and women's worlds. Once I got a few months into transition that changed and I feel at home with the ladies as well as the non binary. I had always been a tomboy internally and now that is on the outside for everyone to see. I don't like frilly things either. Guess what? The world is full of tomboys and butch women of every stripe. I still only have one skirt that I wear very rarely and a couple of dresses that I felt obligated to buy that have never seen the light of day. I don't wear makeup for the most part and my shoes tend to be running shoes. One pair is black and pink, the other is a red and blue pair of men's sneakers. But because I am a woman most people are surprised by that. They read thaem as female shoes because a woman is wearing them. There are surprises in transition. Finding out what your womanhood will be like is the best part.
I was mostly friendless too and now I have almost no close friends. But I am building my life anew and growing as a person. I am getting new friends, folks who know and love the real me. Don't let fear be your leader. It is hard, I won't lie, but I am sure it is worth it!
Are we almost living the same life? Kina sounds like it.
We are? Well then hey there sibling!
Hi all. Thank you all for your great replies. My head has been elsewhere the past several days. My wife and I had to rush away overseas to visit a dying relative on their last days. Dysphoria has been in the distant background. Still there but not enough to cause me any real distress.
I have read all your posts and truly appreciate you all taking the time to write. I apologise for not being able to respond to each of you, but currently my thoughts are with my wife and her family.
Jayne
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Jayne:
Pardon my early lack of comprehension. When I read your opening post, I perceived you are M-F. Reading 'Reply #3' changed my perception to ask if you are F-M.
Okay, so it appears I presume you are M-F by you mentioning your marriage.
You posted that you have no friends. Allow me to comment that friends are counted in quality, not quantity. Your wife ('my most amazingly wonderful wife') is your best friend whether you are male or female. You are way ahead of the game; she's quite the keeper for wanting to stay with you when many others will cut and run. Actually, if you as a married couple vowed 'for better or worse', she is about to find your 'better' you (not your 'worse' you) as you transition.
I hope that my presence here at 'Susan's' demonstrates that I can be counted among your quality of friends.
Which ever way you are or are exploring, I would suggest that you find comfort in your persona.
I went through years rather hating what I am only to discover during transition that I am more than I ever thought I was. It took all those years of extended transition to learn to accept all that I am. I welcome and accept my female binary identity as who I am. Explore who you are.
Not all transsexuals go through all procedures. Some can afford the expence and complete all stages to meet their desire, others face financial limitations despite their aspirations, others choose only some elements of transition. Consult with your counsellor to explore your possibilities.
As TKGW posted, things will improve once you get time on transition. He is correct. You need to learn by experience in this deal.
I lost every family member (immediate and extended) and every pre-transition 'friend' because of my transition. They chose to want my false me and not my true me. Their loss, not mine.
The biggest part of my transition was fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear that froze my ability to recognise opportunity that stared me right at my face and I saw nothing. Fear made me lose many years same as you are now. Fear because my entire transition was 'stealth'; I had only my medical community to guide me, they themselves novice and uncertain how to manage my care. When my situation was determined to be inter-sex female, I was struck by more fear - further confounded yet finding assurance of my path. These fears led to my biggest regret - regret that I allowed fear to disrupt my capacity to transition better.
My transition was gradual. I did not go to bed one night as my male predecessor and awake the next morning as Sharon and female. I changed elements of my life one at a time: daily living at home, errands, social life, college, church, work, etc. Explore what will work for you
My first transition physician literally warned me that I would 'never pass as female', never be acknowledged as female; a few years later a separate physician expressed amazement how my body changed so well to female as if I 'always had been female'. Browse other threads here at 'Susan's' that document our very clear, dramatic changes (such as: Susan's Place Transgender Resources » Community Conversation » Transsexual talk » Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) » Topic: The All New 'Before & After Topic (v 3.0)').
Your gender identity is in your brain.
Not all females are 'interested in any of the girlie type things'; 'girlie type things' do not make one female. Nor your attire; similar as Kellam posted, I wore uni-sex female attire while still presenting as male. Then I hit 'male fail' and knew it was time to complete my transition to female full-time forever.
I am female. I wear skirts when I choose, I wear jeans when I choose. I wear make-up when I choose, I go without when I choose. I played on a women's city softball league for several years. Never do I feel less a female with my choices. Your self-exploration will find your version of female- and woman-hood.
Did I ever 'hit rock bottom' as discussed here in this thread? I doubt it. I am fortuneate that I did not have that experience; I always knew from my earliest memory in childhood the female who I am. From that I would suggest that there is no such requirement going where there is no necessity.
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Hello everyone,
My wife and I just returned from a sad overseas trip to visit a family member who was sick and then passed away. I haven't been participating on this forum for that reason. Oddly enough, my dysphoria kind of disappeared for a while which I noticed and started questioning whether it was ever real. However, after the funeral as things started to settle, it returned, and it feels worse than before. I now wake up every morning and my first thoughts are "I want to be a woman, NOW!" Stupid brain!
Anyway, I have read all your replies. Thank you for all your support. I see my therapist again on Tuesday after a few weeks break due to the family emergency. We will have lots to talk about. Far more than the allocated 1 hour will permit.
Rachel, thank you for caring. My wife is the most important thing in my life. I also know that I am equally important to her. That is the main thing that prevents me ever harming myself. I fear the dark path I would probably take if my wife wasn't in my life. Thankfully, that scenario is not playing out.
Thomas, I don't know much about history. It was one of the subjects I never paid any attention at school. Now I kind of wish I had paid some attention. It would be nice to know more than the very little I do know about various historical topics. I wish you well in your research.
T.K.G.W., I have never tried to be either male or female. However, to anyone outside my own head, I would seem every bit male. I look male, sound male, I have male mannerisms. By all accounts I'm just a regular guy. And for most of my life I thought I was a guy. But lately, as I am slowly realising that I'm not exactly a regular guy, I'm starting to get all these memories I didn't know I had that would suggest for my entire life I have had a gender identity problem. Now it feels like my mind is completely dissociated from my body. I see my reflection and I know it is me, but it also feels like I'm looking at a stranger. I can't imagine how I would look as a woman, but if I close my eyes and just let my mind drift, I feel as though I am all female until I open my eyes and get jolted back to reality when I see my body again. Just now as I was writing that, I think I realised what gender identity is. It's how I feel myself to be without my physical body coming into the equation. I think I just had a eureka moment! :)
Asche, I don't think I am at rock bottom, but I'm kind of hovering near the bottom, close enough to know I don't want to go there. I often have moments where I don't really care whether I live or die. I would hurt myself on purpose, but I sometimes reach a point where if I was crossing a road and tripped and fell, I wouldn't be rushing to get up, even if a truck was coming at me. I'm not in that place now, and I hate the fact that I sometimes feel that way.
orangejuice, after reading everybody's replies, I don't think you have to hit rock bottom. The lovely people on this forum have demonstrated that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and with the right support we can get through these confusing and troubling moments. As I mentioned above, I can see rock bottom, but I don't want to go there and I'm slowly working my way to a happier place. Take care of yourself and keep asking questions on here. The people here have big hearts and will offer whatever help they can.
Sharon, to clarify, I am M-F. My body is M and my mind is F and M. It's complicated! I present as male and have not undertaken any form of transition........yet! I'm keeping my options open at the moment. Thank you for your comments. I agree friends are better measured in quality than quantity. My wife is everything to me. She is my best friend and soulmate. I can't imagine a single moment without her. A lot of my fear comes from not wanting to hurt her. She is standing by me, but she is still hurt by me. It is not my fault I am the way I am, and she totally understands that, but it is still me that is the cause of any hurt and uncertainty she is feeling. If I wasn't trans she would be having these feelings. I know it will take time to figure it all out, but in the meantime it still is upsetting. I'm sorry your family did not stick by you. That must have been difficult for you.
Jayne