Susan's Place Transgender Resources

when I was going trough puberty it was basically an exhausting, confusing, nightmarish marathon of body dysphoria and crossdressing.. The more I look back at those years the more I realize how much pain I was in. I had no one to turn to and I was hurting because my body was fighting my mind. I tried to relieve the pain through cross dressing , but that really just caused more pain because it showed me how wrong I was.

Started early for me... at least by age 11 if not a bit earlier. I can't say it was fun but it wasn't intolerable. I didn't discover the "fun package" component until I was about 12 and a half... after that it was the only way I could get "relief" and disconnect from reality. Ugh.

I had the whole dysphoria thing going on...all of my "wet dreams" were with me as the female...add to this, the confusion of puberty and then just to ice it off put a good dollop of child sexual abuse on top....I hated puberty...it was gross and extremely depressing. I knew I was male because that is the way my body was developing but did I want to be male and so started the constant battle...yes...I mean no...I mean yes...oh hell I dunno...it is a lot for a 11 or 12 year old to try and work it out especially when you have no knowledge of anything trans and no frame of reference...Confusion was one of the major emotions in my pubescent life and that constant dysphoria of wanting to be a girl never let up despite the physical trauma visited upon me by the abuser.

Sarah T

Mine was not difficult.  I knew I was trans at 11 but because my parents found out I crossdressed I got sent away to an all male military school at 13.  This obviously didn't cure anything but it did remove television and isolated me from any triggers and all opportunities so it was easy to repress during those years.  Also, it was 1973 and I thought I was unique in my insanity and didn't suspect there were others or that there were options until later.

Combined with that was me trying to prove myself and working to achieve some specific things to be able to go to the college I wanted.  So I focused on overachieving at everything and the rest went to the background for a while.

Even so, I was aware of my difference and remember watching and copying others to portray gender appropriate responses to situations, going overboard with the macho act sometimes.  But it worked.

One thing I have wondered though is if watching others to figure out how to behave during those years is unique to trans people or if it's something that everybody does subconsciously?  Maybe that's just the normal way people grow up during puberty.

Wow, was just thinking about this...it was hell for me.  Horrible experience with dysphoria driving all sorts of actions and feelings.  Without a support or research structure, I was not able to figure out why was was feeling like I did.  No way to understand that I was actual acceptable and normal...I vacillated from bad to really bad thoughts.  My lack of understanding created anger that I took out on everything and eventually gave way to alcoholism (the alcohol use lasted till I started HRT in 96), but the anger did subside leaving just the dysphoria to cope with.

Not all was bad.  I uncovered my name during my puberty years and that is precious.  I also by 16, was gaining a level of self acceptance.

I was happy about it, at the time.  Coming of age was a huge deal for me.

Sheer hell. I watched my dream of being able to live as a woman slip further out of reach every day. I turned from a quiet timid but friendly kid into a PITA. I coped by underage drinking, skipping meals, self harm and fighting. Fortunately I lacked the ruthless streak to be a real thug.
I thought that by being a teenage brat from hell no one would notice my difference from other boys, in reality very few people were fooled

Hated hated hated it! Wondered why hair wax growing every where. But the worst wax the smell I can still remember it. Also that's when I started getting major dysphoria with my body at the time. I couldn't stand to wear shorts because of the hair and trying to cut the hair off and still growing.

Also didn't help that my parents didn't explain anything to me at all and I wax homeschooling and had zero friends. So it took research on my own to figure what wax going on by myself.  At least now I'm going through the right puberty.

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Mine was well filled with jealousy.. I was jealous of how the girls were developing, I so wanted breasts and to wear the cute outfits they wore. I also wanted pierced ears, my father was strictly against males having earrings.  My second puberty went very well.

As teenager, i cross dressed to help me feel better, it just felt right wearing female clothing items, ok.. I only wore as a teenager pantyhose, a pantie and cheerleader skirt.  After high school I started exploring the fact I might be female and then I would wear complete outfits.

at 21 my second puberty began and I began to look how I felt inside, a young woman.

Not a lot of fun. Feeling left out from what everyone else was apparently feeling. Just feeling sad, and wrong, wrong, wrong.

I think isolated is the word. I grew up in a rural area with a real small town small minded mindet. By then no one was going to understand becoming more and more something I didn't want to be so no point saying anything. All in all confused and frustrated.

Cause it is the same age this reminds me of sports in school.. being forced to play "boys" sports which I was no good at and not interested in really somehow added to my depression.  When I was about 17 I started playing field hockey (considered a "girls" sport at the time) and found myself so much more enthusiastic and actually was quiet good at it.  By then it was the start of the 90s and maybe attitudes were changing..five years before it was not even possible where I went to school.

I don't know when puberty started.

In a way, I was lucky until late 20s because I was so ignorant about medical transition. About body characteristics, I learned late about that too. I saw girls grow longer hair. My parents were taking care my hair remained cut so I just accepted it. I thought I will always have hair and that I will be able to grow it myself someday.

I didn't notice breast on girls, so no big deal either. I didn't stick with boys who would make sexual remarks so that was clear too.

I also didn't know about the genitalia difference literally until the biology class when I was 14. After that class I did check (again and repeatedly) what is in my pants and here is my thought -- I can make it disappear if I wish for it, right? I will use magic. Something has got to work. But I knew that was not truth. I was not about to ask girls whether they really have a vagina. I knew better by then. Back then I didn't know anything about transition so I just accepted the state of things too. I was a kid. Adaptable. Flexible.

Those parts were not as damaging. The most damage I suffered is from inability to socialize with girls and take social role of a girl. Heey, colorful stuff. Sweaters. Barbie backpack. Dolls. Had none of it. I watched my childhood slide and roll away. Lost. I will never accept it. Even nowadays I think somehow it will come back and I will have those days again. I know it is a trick of my mind, but can't help it. Thus, selected: mentally damaging. Those people who knew me since primary school and had elected to add me on facebook after I came out do notice one big difference. Will quote one female friend


Enough said.

Moody, crying, then happy and all over again like a cycle. That sums it up

Completely confused and bewildered pretty much sums it up  :P

Hell but slow enough thankfully. Voice didn't drop until I was 16-17. Body hair though took off like a rocket and I was extremely bummed out.

Multiple suicide attempts. Cops by our house often.

Tried on everyone's clothes. I lived with my dad and there was no clothes in the house.

If I knew transition was possible then I would have done it.

Socially, it was a nightmare for me.  I knew there were "rules", but the only one I was able to figure out was that you are not allowed to ask what the rules are.  I never fit in with other boys and never really learned boy stuff.  (I'm only now figuring out why: 'cause I wasn't one!)  And, being male, I was not allowed to learn girl stuff. 

Add well-meaning but clueless parents who refused to sign my permission slip for sex ed at school, but who wouldn't tell me about it at home, and I turned into a lonely, isolated guy.  I still have a hard time fitting in, or at least believing that I fit in, in any group.

Easily the worst time in my life.  I felt so upset and disturbed by what my body was doing and yet felt ashamed abd guilty for wishing I could be having a female puberty.  Growing up in a catholic background didn't make me feel okay with my feelings and I didn't properly understand what being transgender was and that there were other people experiencing the same feelings as me.  Meeting the first other transgender person ive ever met really was illuminating as Iearnwd about transitioning and rhat there was a whole other set of people goibg through the sane stuff.  At the time, thoufh,I felt like I was a sick freak for feeling the way I did and felt like a hideous beast for watching my body turn into what it was changing to.  I've never really recovered from that period of my life and still very much feel emotionally like the scared kid that i was when going through puberty and when in mid/high school.

LTL, that sounds so familiar!  Was alone until November of 1990.  All the way to that point, I considered myself as the only one and absolutely crazy.  This was affirmed by my strongly Catholic parents and a religious doctrine that viewed me a abhorrent.  The last thing on earth that was possible was to live as myself...that would have been a sin!

One man in one evening shattered my defenses and set me on the greatest path I have ever tread, but I have suffered the pain and scars of a self-transphobic adolescence.  Sounds like I am not alone in this.

Oh I knew when I was twelve or thirteen.  I was watching television.....the Phil Donahue show and they had these people on the show that were women but not really women.  I was in the den by myself watching this and when I was able to put two and two together I cut the television off and got out of the room as quickly as I could. It became quickly clear why I was so envious of Cathy and Becky at school.  That started many years of living a lie, hiding the big secret from everyone and being in mortal fear of being found out.  I could not tell anyone.....family....friends....anyone.   Life was depression, dysphoria and trying anything to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings.

I diidn't start puberty until I was 16, and it was difficult being so underdeveloped, because I was picked on a lot; I wanted to fit in, which led me to start lifting weights when I was 19, and subsequently start taking anabolic steroids for a year when I was 23. I was very confused and in denial for a very long time.

I guess I'm the weird one,for I didn't let my disphoria disphoria weigh me down,I've lived life on my terms. I was a girl who got too play in the boys world because I had a boys part,I knew about transsexuals,I knew about ->-bleeped-<-s,I also knew what girls looked like because of girly mags,my parents were open about teaching us about sex,I was given books too read. I'm me I can be nice and not so nice depends on the person and their agenda,I crossdressed when I was alone,most time I dress butch,I hate suits and haven't worn one since I was 13. I've been diagnosed with depression and anger issues,but I'm one who faces life head on and if life doesn't like it tough.

Quote from: kittenpower on November 14, 2015, 01:18:41 PM
I diidn't start puberty until I was 16, and it was difficult being so underdeveloped, because I was picked on a lot; I wanted to fit in, which led me to start lifting weights when I was 19, and subsequently start taking anabolic steroids for a year when I was 23. I was very confused and in denial for a very long time.

Overcompensation?   I did that too.  I played football in high school and came home after practice and went in my room and shut the door and cried a lot.  I am not big at all and I was getting killed.  But I had to do it.  No choice.  I could not let the guys even think for a moment that I was not like them.  There was always two voices in my head.......the real me.....the girl trying to get out to live and breathe........and the other voice which said "no"......your life will be ruined and be a living Hell.  That was my life in a nutshell.  Those two voices fought viciously until I was in my late thirties.  To say it was emotionally painful would be an understatement.

It was an unrelenting nightmare from the age of ten on. I hit puberty early, shot up and got strong, my voice was deep by the seventh grade. I did like to play (not watch) sports but I could only play them with my brother or in the mixed gender situation of gym class after about the eighth grade. I collapsed into extreme isolation and painful dysphoria mixed with self harm and depression. I had no friends outside of school. I didn't belong with the boys and the girls only saw a loser, a threat or someone to date, never a friend. I had occasional male friends in individual classes. By sixteen, after failing to kill myself, I started in on the substance abuse, denial and overcompensating with male behavior. I watched endless hours of tv to learn how to be a man as well as following the lead of my father and younger brother. The dressing in appropriate clothes never stopped after the first time I put on evening gloves at an antique shop as a little kid. I would beg my folks to send me to military school to make me a man. They knew I would not survive. I began to steal, lie and commit acts of vandalism. I was never conscious in school because of sleep deprivation. I had always been up late dressing. All of that carried over into my 20's and into my 30's when I finally put down the bottle and started to face my truth.

I so remember the lack of proper hormones ripping my psyche to pieces. Getting so angry because I couldn't properly fit in dresses and bras.

Quote from: Kellam on November 14, 2015, 02:22:32 PM
It was an unrelenting nightmare from the age of ten on. I hit puberty early, shot up and got strong, my voice was deep by the seventh grade. I did like to play (not watch) sports but I could only play them with my brother or in the mixed gender situation of gym class after about the eighth grade. I collapsed into extreme isolation and painful dysphoria mixed with self harm and depression. I had no friends outside of school. I didn't belong with the boys and the girls only saw a loser, a threat or someone to date, never a friend. I had occasional male friends in individual classes. By sixteen, after failing to kill myself, I started in on the substance abuse, denial and overcompensating with male behavior. I watched endless hours of tv to learn how to be a man as well as following the lead of my father and younger brother. The dressing in appropriate clothes never stopped after the first time I put on evening gloves at an antique shop as a little kid. I would beg my folks to send me to military school to make me a man. They knew I would not survive. I began to steal, lie and commit acts of vandalism. I was never conscious in school because of sleep deprivation. I had always been up late dressing. All of that carried over into my 20's and into my 30's when I finally put down the bottle and started to face my truth.

Kellam,

That is type story that I love to hear.......that you made it through it all, recognized what could get you on the right track and you do it!  The future is yours and there is no one to hold you back.  You should be very proud.

Puberty was a long time ago for me (~40 years) but I remember praying (and I'm not even religious) to fix this.  Please let me wake up with the breasts starting. 
The bigger problem was my voice changing.  Pre-puberty I had a really nice female voice.  When I was about 12 I actually carried on a conversation on the phone with my sister's boyfriend and he had no idea it was me.  But I was afraid that once I changed it would be really low (my dad was a radio announcer!).  Well nature works as expected sometimes, but thankfully I'm not a baritone.

Mine was a harsh slap of reality.

Before puberty, I had just put everything out of my mind, thinking things would resolve themselves and maybe it wouldn't be that bad.  As soon as puberty hit, it felt like I was on a train that I couldn't get off of and it was going to some strange far away place that I knew I wouldn't be able to survive in.  It was a period of pure panic followed by pure anger, followed by pure fear, and finally pure fleeing.  I came close to death a few times before my 18th birthday.

I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

Dysphoria was with me from about 4 or 5 till mid teens, it was painful, constantly self conscious, self pity, miserable and lonely.
But from mid teens I started to think I can't carry on like this and tried to become more positive and just accept "my lot", it worked and remained, on the whole, pretty much under control till around 20 years ago... It got really bad in phases but I survived till finally I had to stop hiding and living a lie, just over 5 weeks ago!

Katy xxx

Puberty bothered me in fleeting moments. I can remember at times that it hurt, but I always tried to distract myself with something in my life. I always kept myself busy so my mind wouldn't wander.

Sigh. Now I'm I'm at least going through the kind of puberty that I like!

Quote from: Orchid on November 14, 2015, 11:29:51 PM
Now I'm I'm at least going through the kind of puberty that I like!

Yeah! This second puberty, while difficult, is great! And as I heard one vlogger say, there must be something to gain by going through two puberties. :D If one learns to be a grownup in the first one must become an über grownup after two. ;)

Quote from: Karen5519 on November 14, 2015, 03:59:25 PM
Kellam,

That is type story that I love to hear.......that you made it through it all, recognized what could get you on the right track and you do it!  The future is yours and there is no one to hold you back.  You should be very proud.

I meant to thank you for this, kinda made my night. :)

My first puberty was nightmarish and extremely dynamic.  Although I did not know what was happening to me those stupid boners we're clearly pointing in the wrong direction. ;)  I was 13 and my new word of the day became "cynical" as my secretly expected transition into girlhood was reversed.  Oh no!  I ran away at 16, became homeless, incarcerated and ended up in Vietnam by the time I was 18.  Even then I still didn't need to shave and was that sissy girl the hard asses wanted to dump on.  I got tough enough but coping skills to what end beyond sheer survival?

And this time puberty is turning out much better, if too long delayed.....

yes, the second time much more pleasant .

It was hell, multiple suicide attempts, trying to cope, living in fear, clinical depression began at around 12-13, had severe panic attacks, suffered from migraines, alcoholism, nightmares were at their worst, heavy disassociation, was bullied a lot..that about sums it up

Had I not began my transition at 19-20, I would probably be dead right now.

Partly successful on the outside but dying inside. I never lived a happy life until now.


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For me "puberty" was a disease. I never got the real puberty, I got a wrong one, something that shouldn't happen. When I was 12 years, I learned about the puberty at school. A doctor visited my old class and she told us about what would happening. I knew females got boobs and the period. But I never believed I would get it. That sounded unrealistic, something random from a Harry Potter book. When I was 13, I got the wrong puberty. It was horrible and in 2013 I discovered for real something wasn't right. I realized I wasn't cis.

For every week, days, thing got worse and worse. I can't recognize myself. The females curves, boobs, everything, what? I got jealous at the other guys. They got voice change, hair at their legs, Adam's apple, facial hair etc. I got opposite puberty. Thing get worse and next year it would be even worse. Earlier I tried to train my voice deeper, but my throat got soar. So I quit it. I'm pre-everything inside the closet.  :-\ It's not fun at all having a body that doesn't reflect my mind. Not enough with all the wrong female forms, I'm hairless and short as well. I doesn't look masculine either.

Reading y'alls stories makes me feel weird and alienated from the trans community. I guess I have what might be called adult-onset transsexualism. I had a happy childhood. I remember looking forward to male puberty and enjoying it like most little boys getting their first hairs on their chest. Sure, I was secretly crossdressing during it all but I didn't have any awareness that transsexualism was a thing - I just thought I was a weird twisted horny little kid but never had cross-gender identification until adulthood. I feel weird sharing my story with people because people might think I just took my crossdressing "too far" given that I was never a very feminine child and didn't "want to be a woman" until very recently.

Quote from: RachelsMantra on November 15, 2015, 11:34:32 AM
Reading y'alls stories makes me feel weird and alienated from the trans community. I guess I have what might be called adult-onset transsexualism. I had a happy childhood. I remember looking forward to male puberty and enjoying it like most little boys getting their first hairs on their chest. Sure, I was secretly crossdressing during it all but I didn't have any awareness that transsexualism was a thing - I just thought I was a weird twisted horny little kid but never had cross-gender identification until adulthood. I feel weird sharing my story with people because people might think I just took my crossdressing "too far" given that I was never a very feminine child and didn't "want to be a woman" until very recently.

Don't feel that way.  You are who you are and there is no shame in it.  There is a lot of trans politics and some people try to create a trans hierarchy based on their experience or age of transition.  It's silly and hurtful to people.  While I had dysphoria early and recognized that I wanted to be female, I kbew nothing about being trans and transitioning until I was 18 and met another transwoman.  And my childhood was more complicated than the typical trans narrative even if there were signs.  Everyone finds themselves differently and everyones transition is unique.

Quote from: learningtolive on November 15, 2015, 01:06:29 PM
Don't feel that way.  You are who you are and there is no shame in it.  There is a lot of trans politics and some people try to create a trans hierarchy based on their experience or age of transition.  It's silly and hurtful to people.  While I had dysphoria early and recognized that I wanted to be female, I kbew nothing about being trans and transitioning until I was 18 and met another transwoman.  And my childhood was more complicated than the typical trans narrative even if there were signs.  Everyone finds themselves differently and everyones transition is unique.

Yes! So true and so well said. We are all siblings and each of us is on our own path but we will always walk together.

Good Morning Rachel, just read what you wrote and it was interesting to hear your experience!  Over time of meeting sisters, it seems there are a couple of different paths that seem common...one is that we know from as early as memory goes back and the other would be those of us that discover our true selves at a later point in life.  In the and, we are still discussing US as either way, we are in the same boat.

Even within our small community there is a huge amount of diversity.  Regardless of when you find 'the calling', you are finding it and what else really matters?  We do what we do so that we can finally become whole and not so others can validate or objectify our efforts.  <3

Quote from: kaitylynn on November 16, 2015, 07:00:41 AM
Regardless of when you find 'the calling', you are finding it and what else really matters?

Thank you for this :) You ladies are lifting me up right now.

I sincerely feel sad for all that suffered greatly and lost a chunk of life to dysphoria. I'm happy to read that most are finally enjoying life!

I really started puberty quite late, around age 15-16. I spent so many nights dreaming that I could magically transform into a girl and stop that madness. But somehow, regardless of that inner turmoil, I found ways to enjoy life. I hanged on to great friends, a loving family, and an indestructible passion for all things intellectual.

But I must admit, it feels great to finally be living the puberty I was meant to have all along!


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I was quite lucky that puberty started quite late for me and didn't last very long. I'd worked out what I wanted in life by the time I was 14 and I was able to start my journey when I was 16. It was a bloody hard time though but it wasn't for very long thank god xx

Puberty was so awful for me that I've repressed much of the memories I have from it. When I was about age 15, I felt depression in a way that had me bed bound for weeks at a time. Social anxiety back then, had the power to cripple me into constant lack of functionality. Multiple suicide tendencies were always just around the corner.

Sounds like most of us here had a hard time with mean ol' puberty. :/

I would cry at night wondering why God or whoever is in charge of everything down here, would "curse" me to have permanent features I knew, even then, that did not belong to me. I still have a hard time going to sleep at night, sometimes, because I cannot bind while I sleep unless I want to severe my breathing, chronically....which could happen from binding in general, anyway. :'(

~Nixy~

yes , it looks like Dysphoria wrecked havoc during those years and then some. I'm constantly reminded of the hell of trying to sooth the pain by crossdressing and hungering for estrogen pills. I kept trying to figure out how I could steal my older sisters birth control pills.

One word that I could use to describe my puberty was wrong. I completely ignored my downstairs area, still do. When my chest started growing in around 5th grade, I remember wearing like 4 t-shirts and getting the "Why do you have so many shirts on?" question. Lot of times where I cried myself to sleep because there was nothing I could do.

puberty didnt do much to me. my voice hardly dropped and body shape didnt change at all. the only things that annoyed me were probably more of the acne, small adams apple, and slight facial hair (all of which were manageable), except bullying from looking too fem. by the time i started hrt, i basically had the body template of a prebubescent teen girl.

the most difficult thing about puberty wasnt really much about my dysphoria, but the bullying that nearly killed me twice.

Quote from: .Christy on November 16, 2015, 08:00:40 PM
puberty didnt do much to me. my voice hardly dropped and body shape didnt change at all. the only things that annoyed me were probably more of the acne, small adams apple, and slight facial hair (all of which were manageable), except bullying from looking too fem. by the time i started hrt, i basically had the body template of a prebubescent teen girl.

the most difficult thing about puberty wasnt really much about my dysphoria, but the bullying that nearly killed me twice.

you definitely look very feminine

I'm still waiting for it. Haha. I'm 32. Eek!