I have been feeling pretty down lately. It seems like an ordeal just to get out of bed in the morning. I don't seem interested in doing anything. I simply just exist. There is no point in doing anything. Why does it have to be such a great effort to merely exist. I'm always moody and sad.
I just finally understood what gender identity is. It truly sucks that my gender identity does not align with my physical gender. I would rather have been diagnosed with a terminal illness than have this!
I could go on and on here in a never ending depressing downward spiral, but I will stop my rant. I just need to hear something positive.
Jayne
Hi! Depression can be a real black hole of despair there's no doubt about it. Are you seeing a therapist or psyche about it?
As for something positive, the good news is that you can do something about your gender identity and make it work within your circumstances and means. It may not happen overnight or even over 365 nights but it can and will if you have the right outlook. I say that as someone who has plumbed the depths of depression.
Hi Grace, thanks for replying. Yes I am seeing a therapist. Not for depression, but for the gender stuff. I've had a very eventful couple of weeks including a trip over seas to visit family due to a death. I've had to postpone my therapy session as a result. I think it is starting to catch up with me. I see my therapist on Tuesday, so it's only a couple of days away now.
I seem to get myself into this downward spiral of self doubt and....well, self hate I guess. The other day I actually had my phone in my hand ready to call lifeline. I wasn't in a place where I was an immediate threat to myself, but I was heading downhill fast. I managed to pull myself out of it. I'm sad that I have reached a place where lifeline was looking like something I needed to use. I want to be able to enjoy life. I don't want it to be a major effort just to get small amounts of hapiness. There has to be more to life than that.
Jayne
One thing that helped me when I finally stumbled over it was the realisation that the little happy things happen all the time - the trick is to keep them alive in your mind and heart. The depression often sucks the life out of those experiences and you're left with nothing - but I found that by revisiting happy moments, even if they were brief, I was gradually able to strengthen my overall happiness. Bit by bit. That way I was generally living in a happier frame of mind than a black hole. Hope it goes well with the therapist.
Thank you Grace. I'll give that a try. I continue to live with the hope that some day happiness will be a natural state of mind rather than something I need to constantly make a conscious effort to achieve.
Jayne
It can be that way, but it takes a lot of conscious effort to get there!! :D
I'm not sure if people usually try this, but I'm a big fan of reframing. When I come across something negative, I try to look at it as an opportunity rather than an obstacle. I mean, most people aren't even close to as introspective as the trans people I know. Being forced to make hard choices and face the things that truly scare me, not just spiders and clowns, but failure and humiliation, makes me stronger.
Not sure if this is helpful, but I've been able to get through a lot of bad stuff by finding a positive way to look at it. I know I'd have fought with my mom like crazy had I been able to grow up as female, and I don't have a reliable second parent that would have cared enough about me to make up for it. Being trans has been hard, but I didn't have to be socialized to be meek and lower my expectations. I also don't have to worry about accidental pregnancy.
Also, who is to say I wouldn't have been just as insecure about being female enough or pretty enough or whatever. The things I truly missed out on growing up, were because I had to live up to a set of standards that didn't fit me, because of the way other people treated me. Being Cis might not have made any difference since I can't control other people.
Yeah, being trans can be really hard at times, but I can lean on my friends and the family I'm close with when I need the help. Plus having a therapist really helps as well ;)
It gets better.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi Jayne - the big positive here is that you aredoing something about it.
Even though unfortunate circumstances have delayed your therapist appointment, you have kept to it and rearranged another date. I think it's not uncommon to have these very strong depressed feelings, even at the point where you are becoming more clear about what is happening regarding your gender identity. Sometimes there are additional therapies or exercises or medication that can help - it always depends on the person.
I think exercise and activity is always a good thing for getting body and mind straight. Maybe even trying something completely new - yoga, meditation, cycling, or gym classes.
Good luck on Tuesday with the appointment- you are doing the right thing there.
Take care, and be good to yourself.
Grace, Katie and Ros, thank you for your comments. It helps just to have someone say something positive and reassuring. I know this depression is just a temporary thing and things will start looking better. I wish the trans thing was temporary too. I guess that is hoping for too much.
Jayne
Depression is such a bitch.
It is like being madly in love, just the other way around.
Both make it almost impossible to see things as they are.
Both bring their particular delusional lens for you to look through.
What these moods also have in common is that they make you swing between thoughts and feelings of a certain polarity, reinforcing each other, seemingly forever.
I prefer the being-in-love feeling, thank you very much.
I have learned what I have to do to start the cycle, any day I want, any time.
I know that it is a somewhat delusional state of mind, but if I do not consciously decide on it, my brain will inevitably choose one for me, and it is not always one I like. Sometimes I let it run its course, though, just to have another new mood experience.
And then there are the reasons for my happiness and the reasons for my despair.
I am always trying to plant seeds for my future happiness.
When I know what I like, for example meeting many interesting people, I do little things that increase the probability of those good things happening, like joining a club or association. When I like positive interactions with my work colleagues, I think about what makes them happy, what I can do in everyday workday life to make them feel better (without being obvious, of course).
You must do something to pull yourself out of it, but think bigger. Much bigger.
You be the bitch that shows depression its place.
Don't know if this helps. Maybe you must reach my advanced age before you can pull off something like that. Maybe you are sparkling bright and can pull it off whenever you want. I don't know.
Most people don't even get what I am talking about.
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 22, 2015, 06:05:50 AM
Grace, Katie and Ros, thank you for your comments. It helps just to have someone say something positive and reassuring. I know this depression is just a temporary thing and things will start looking better. I wish the trans thing was temporary too. I guess that is hoping for too much.
Jayne
The trans thing being such a big focus is mostly temporary once you start making steps to remedy it. It's one of the reasons I'm a big advocate of transition although not everyone falls neatly into the gender binary.
I've had weeks when I was great or fine and suddenly one thing or issue completely floors me and I either have a panic attack or breakdown crying or both. Talking it out always helps me, and hugs not only calm me down faster than any anti anxiety pill but make me feel better in general. Whenever I've gone into my darkest moods, I get out of them by remembering all the things I'd miss and the people who need me as much as I need them. Hang in there.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Girl Beyond Doubt, thank you. What you said all make sense. I was starting to feel better just by reading your comments. I find if I don't catch myself in time if I start having negative thoughts, the downward spiral starts to get out of control and before I know it I'm feeling very depressed. I might try what you said and start the cycle with thoughts and feelings I like before my stupid brain has a chance to start heading me down the opposite path.
Katie, I don't want to transition. I REALLY don't want to transition. I want to be a normal guy without the dysphoria clouding my mood every day. I'm trying to make it work and continue to fail. It seems so unfair to the people I know and love, especially my wife, for them to have to change their lives just so I can satisfy my needs. Everybody knows the male me and nothing else. To come out and say hey everyone guess what, I'm not really a guy, I'm actually a girl in the wrong body. It seems really selfish on my part to expect people to just accept me because I suddenly (in their eyes anyway) I decided I wanted to be a girl. It seems to me a better option would be for me to learn to accept myself just as I am. That is male body with a female identity. I don't have any right to hurt the ones I love for my own selfish needs. I mean if I identified as a dog, I wouldn't be getting K-9 hormones (if there is such a thing) to turn myself into a dog, so why should this be any different? Right? I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make here. I just finished working a night shift and my brain is a little gooey!
Jayne
Oh I also wanted to say general heartfelt thank you to everyone on this forum. I was feeling quite down and I knew that if I posted something on here, I would soon have support from somebody. Well within half an hour I had my first reply offering support. You are all truly wonderful caring people. Thank you all for being there.
Jayne
Here is something for your mood:
youtube.com/watch?v=WfyhWHoh1JA
Well you might:
-enjoy the small things, consciously... a cup of tea... the surroundings, the grass... the birds...
-have a look at the larger picture, knowing you are going in the right direction... things will get better eventually...
-imo often transgender people adapt to others, unconsciously reading their expectations...
so you might try to find a balance between others needs and yours...
hugs
(\(\ I love you
(^.^)/
o(")(")
Jayne you said:
QuoteI don't want to transition. I REALLY don't want to transition. I want to be a normal guy without the dysphoria clouding my mood every day.
Maybe you don't have to. Maybe just wearing woman's undergarments might be enough to get the voices in your head to quite down. I lasted for 40 years by the occasional indulgence. Give it a try, just wearing tights instead of socks to work might help.
Jayne, I staved it off for years doing little things that I could do despite being stuck at the point I was in. Keeping yourself busy on other things helps, but in the end is no fix. The thing I learned from my first transition coming into this one was that I need to focus on those things I could do and that I could fix and not focus so much on those that I couldn't. In other words, tackle what you can when you can. Since transitioning my depression has gone away although it tried to make a come back when the hormone levels got messed up as we were finding the right frequency and amount to inject. Hang in there, it does get better. Remember, we are here for you. Hugs
Mariah
Yeah...life sucks doesn't it?
https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostLifestyle/videos/10153291047191314/?pnref=story
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 22, 2015, 02:03:19 PM
Girl Beyond Doubt, thank you. What you said all make sense. I was starting to feel better just by reading your comments. I find if I don't catch myself in time if I start having negative thoughts, the downward spiral starts to get out of control and before I know it I'm feeling very depressed. I might try what you said and start the cycle with thoughts and feelings I like before my stupid brain has a chance to start heading me down the opposite path.
Katie, I don't want to transition. I REALLY don't want to transition. I want to be a normal guy without the dysphoria clouding my mood every day. I'm trying to make it work and continue to fail. It seems so unfair to the people I know and love, especially my wife, for them to have to change their lives just so I can satisfy my needs. Everybody knows the male me and nothing else. To come out and say hey everyone guess what, I'm not really a guy, I'm actually a girl in the wrong body. It seems really selfish on my part to expect people to just accept me because I suddenly (in their eyes anyway) I decided I wanted to be a girl. It seems to me a better option would be for me to learn to accept myself just as I am. That is male body with a female identity. I don't have any right to hurt the ones I love for my own selfish needs. I mean if I identified as a dog, I wouldn't be getting K-9 hormones (if there is such a thing) to turn myself into a dog, so why should this be any different? Right? I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make here. I just finished working a night shift and my brain is a little gooey!
Jayne
Jayne, you're not alone! I go through the same phases I think, hating myself for who I am inside not matching the outside, and wondering why I can't just be happy with the outside, since it seems to be good enough for everyone else.
Thank you all for your kind comments and support. Juliett, that cat video was hilarious. Thank you!
I'm off to see my therapist in a couple of hours. I'm really looking forward to it. I have so many things to unload, 1 hour won't be nearly enough time.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 22, 2015, 02:03:19 PM
Katie, I don't want to transition. I REALLY don't want to transition. I want to be a normal guy without the dysphoria clouding my mood every day. I'm trying to make it work and continue to fail. It seems so unfair to the people I know and love, especially my wife, for them to have to change their lives just so I can satisfy my needs. Everybody knows the male me and nothing else. To come out and say hey everyone guess what, I'm not really a guy, I'm actually a girl in the wrong body. It seems really selfish on my part to expect people to just accept me because I suddenly (in their eyes anyway) I decided I wanted to be a girl. It seems to me a better option would be for me to learn to accept myself just as I am. That is male body with a female identity. I don't have any right to hurt the ones I love for my own selfish needs. I mean if I identified as a dog, I wouldn't be getting K-9 hormones (if there is such a thing) to turn myself into a dog, so why should this be any different? Right? I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make here. I just finished working a night shift and my brain is a little gooey!
Jayne
I didn't want to transition either. Maybe because I put it off for so long and didn't ask for any help I was only able to get through most of my 20s putting it off. All I know is I've said the exact same words to myself countless times since I first gave up hope of being a girl at age 6.
They are YOUR loved ones and you aren't a cuckoo, or an alien or a dog transplanted into their lives. They love you as well, and with that comes the hope that you can be the best of yourself and happiest you can be with them.
The reason I transitioned is because I wanted the people I love to get to know all of me, the real me. Not the flattering side of me I pose in for face value relationships, the good and the bad. I can't live your life, nor do I want to devalue the choices of those not transitioning, but make sure your choices aren't based on assumptions. If you're a person of discerning taste, I'm guessing you typically don't surround yourself with and love jerks. Being trans doesn't rob the people you care about of the person they care about. You are still the same person, with the same history and the same experiences, you are just more open and hopefully happier and more accepting of yourself.
I'm not saying coming out is necessary for everyone, but being in the closet makes me claustrophobic and full of anxiety. You need to find ways of truly expressing yourself in safe places in order to let some of the wind out of the sails of your dysphoria. Maybe ask your therapist if you can present during your sessions and change into drab after?
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Obfuskatie on November 24, 2015, 07:13:29 PM
I didn't want to transition either. Maybe because I put it off for so long and didn't ask for any help I was only able to get through most of my 20s putting it off. All I know is I've said the exact same words to myself countless times since I first gave up hope of being a girl at age 6.
They are YOUR loved ones and you aren't a cuckoo, or an alien or a dog transplanted into their lives. They love you as well, and with that comes the hope that you can be the best of yourself and happiest you can be with them.
The reason I transitioned is because I wanted the people I love to get to know all of me, the real me. Not the flattering side of me I pose in for face value relationships, the good and the bad. I can't live your life, nor do I want to devalue the choices of those not transitioning, but make sure your choices aren't based on assumptions. If you're a person of discerning taste, I'm guessing you typically don't surround yourself with and love jerks. Being trans doesn't rob the people you care about of the person they care about. You are still the same person, with the same history and the same experiences, you are just more open and hopefully happier and more accepting of yourself.
I'm not saying coming out is necessary for everyone, but being in the closet makes me claustrophobic and full of anxiety. You need to find ways of truly expressing yourself in safe places in order to let some of the wind out of the sails of your dysphoria. Maybe ask your therapist if you can present during your sessions and change into drab after?
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi Katie. Thanks. That was some really kind and thoughtful things to say. My therapist has no problem if I was to present during sessions. She has already mentioned that other patients of hers do exactly that. I haven't even seen myself fully dressed. I wouldn't even know how to pick an outfit. I am very fashion challenged :)
My wife and I are both going to see a therapist together tomorrow. Not the same person I see. This one actually does couples counselling where one person is trans. Looking forward to it, but also a little nervous.
I really don't know if transition is for me. I honestly don't know know what the right answer is for me. I'll get there eventually. It's a slow process I guess.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 23, 2015, 03:36:58 PM
Thank you all for your kind comments and support. Juliett, that cat video was hilarious. Thank you!
I'm off to see my therapist in a couple of hours. I'm really looking forward to it. I have so many things to unload, 1 hour won't be nearly enough time.
Jayne
Hi Jayne How did you go at with your Therapist?
Hi Sarah, thanks for asking. I don't really want to go into details other than to say it went very well. She is a very good therapist and really cares. I am lucky to have her treating me. I always leave her office feeling much better.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 25, 2015, 04:16:05 AM
Hi Sarah, thanks for asking. I don't really want to go into details other than to say it went very well. She is a very good therapist and really cares. I am lucky to have her treating me. I always leave her office feeling much better.
Jayne
No details needed Jayne :) glad to hear it went well... ;)
Hi there!
I have something positive to add to my own request to hear something positive! :)
Yesterday my wife and I went shopping together to find some female clothes for me. Neither of us like shopping, but we shopped for over 6 hours (which is completely unheard of) and had a great time. My wife was absolutely incredible. She was helping me pick out stuff asking me whether I liked this or that, like buying female clothes for your husband is the most normal thing in the world. I was a bit uneasy at first. I was feeling a bit inferior and inadequate as a man, but that feeling soon passed and we really had slot of fun. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have fun shopping for clothes!!! I was quite happy to go into store after store looking for something I liked. I look forward to doing it again.
Jayne
Hi Jayne,
My therapist recommended I share my difficulty coping and impulsive suicide attempts with my doctor. I put that off for a long time. It got to the point I shared with my doctor. I am on medication (non-habit forming) now for depression. The medication has made a significant difference. I still get depressed, have difficult occasions and have very bad GD but I can get out of severe depression better. I also take a sleep aid ( I have secondary insomnia) which is a significant help.
I have very bad self hate. I hope to some day be myself 100% and forgive myself and I am making continuous progress. What I have found are the words I AM. I AM transsexual. I AM female. I AM a good person, I AM going to do X to express my gender.
I hope this helps.
Hi Rachel, (I've been following one of your threads and you now go by Rachel, right)
Thank you for your post. I haven't seen my doctor about any depression medication. My attempt was never a true attempt. I don't even know what it was. Practice?? I don't know. I did make a promise to myself that if start feeling that way again that I would go see my doctor. My wife is always my first thought and for me she is the best kind of medication. I know I have been feeling down lately, but after our little shopping spree yesterday, I feel really good. I mean REALLY good. I think my depressed mood was a combination of a death in the family, missing my wife's family ( they are on the other side of the world and I really love them) and having to postpone my therapy session for a few weeks due to the death.
Don't hate yourself. I have read some of your early posts and you seem to be in a much much better place now. You seem to be doing what you need to do to be happy. That takes courage.
Take care.
Jayne