Susan's Place Transgender Resources

We all know that being transgender is a hard thing. Then comes the choice do you transition or not.

I never imagined that it will turn out this way. I lost the love of my life I have been handed a full deck of cards in anger and rejections. All this because I came out as trans a year back.

I went to my therapist today and she told me my wife send her a watsapp message to tell her that it is over I am trying to be a man again for her it is not going to work and that my therapist must help me get over her. She told me my wife said I am emotionally abusive but my therapist said from the massage she saw that she is the emotionally abusive one.

Me and my wife have both have been through hell and back with me being transgender I know but having your therapist trying to push you to move forward when all you want to do is rescue the little bit that you think you have is hard.

She said that my wife basically moved on and is not my wife anymore because she is not married in the heart to me only legally. I must forget about my wife and we ever being anything more in the future I tried hard like hell to rescue it. I fought with dysphoria to just leave me alone so that I can rescue my marriage and this for nothing I have been told I am wasting my time and energy.

We must separate I must decide who I want to be because I am free. What I want to be. Dysphoria is bad but nothing in my life ever hurt like this. I never in my life thought I could hurt like this.

I can be free but at this cost to me it is like the worst price to pay for being myself and then I don't even know if I want to go through with it.

The hardest thing is not transitioning for me it is letting go of everything. But life is forcing me now to let go.

I started to write a whole long thing, but the truth is, anything I would have said you already know. I would hug you were I there to do it, but take the word for the deed. You're not alone. Some things about this condition suck, it's true. Have a good cry, then move on if you can and know we will ALWAYS listen.

Thinking of you,
Dee

Hi Amorê,

...... and this is the sad reality of it all. It's not really the transition, it's the letting go, that can create the biggest pain of all.

Not knowing what's on the other side; yet knowing the incrediable, almost unrealistic price you're being asked to pay, right now; can be such a blinding and inconceivable notion, it almost defies understanding.

This is the point that some of us have to ignore our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and lock into our most trusted support network and take that bloody awful leap of faith into the abys of the unknown.

My circumstances were different, yet I too had to take that leap of faith, not knowing what was on the other side. Not even my gut feelings would let me in on it. No guides, no nothing; only a handful of trusted confidants who pushed me off the edge. .......... I'm forever greatful to them for the push. I didn't have it in me to jump. ......... Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

It's was like driving down a road with the rain hitting so hard I couldn't see the windscreen, just a few trusted friends saying, keep driving straight ahead; you'll get there. ......... And I swear, one particular "friend" who'll remain nameless. You know who you are. Had there bloody foot on the accelerator. Now for legal reasons I have to declare, this particular person of interest may not necessarily be a member of this family. (Phew!!!! Deformation case averted)

This is probably a good subject to persue with your therapist, if you haven't already done so. But for sure, letting go, is a real bitch of a thing.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're coping.

Huggs
Catherine

You are most definitely not alone!  I am in the same boat, as I suspect many are.  Gain your true self, but lose everything you've built and love, or damn near everything.  :(

I'm sitting and crying and this stage and this have been going on for hours. I can't hide anymore everyone that I know I have come out too. I must push forward because I can't go back.

Hi Amorê:

As I read your threads this AM it seemed that a little more insight occurred, and the idea of letting go as a huge underlying causal factor to your discomfort made a lot of sense.  I had forgotten how profoundly  human and soulful letting go was, and the resulting months of nights of weeping alone as I began to cope with letting go . . . it was titanic at 1st.

In dissolving my relationship with my ex, daughters, expanded family and friends I found myself alone with only a therapist, doctors, a few new work colleagues and a cat.  It hit me so hard including having concluded I was un-loveable, unworthy, unwholesome and unwanted.  Of course, that was not true but it was all the data I had at the time, despite the encouragement from my therapist.  For sure my dear, this is not true of you either!

My fear of losing so much was huge but the reality was worse, far worse for a little while.  As I struggled day-to-day in my interactions with the world, in a new town/community I found that there was an immutable cycle of life-death-life that was always ever-ongoing to create the future.  As I looked around I found this had been occurring since birth, was everywhere, and it was only the nature of the loss I was experiencing that was different this time (and hugely important and valuable to me).  BTW: The book I recommended talks at length about this.

I'm not one to tell you do this or that, but you might consider that in letting go you are simultaneously creating the future, unknown at this moment but it does exist as sure as the past.  Also, the nature of your future depends upon you wanting it as a deserving and worthy person, which by the way is so, so clear in your words as you share them here.  Your wife and those who cannot accept you do not know you and are unwilling to do so; therefore, they cannot possibly see the beautiful person you are - a beautiful woman who has special gifts that shared with others makes life all that more abundant and joyous. 

My feelings of loss, despair and grief came with letting go, and I came to realize that all I thought I had been to others, well they didn't share my commitment in kind.  That was/is the real loss, and in time I recovered while they have to cope with themselves for who they are (aware or not).  And that is sad too, but not of my making or yours. 

I wonder if you might not find some similitudes here.

Thinking of you regularly,

Rachel   ((((((Amorê))))) ((((((Amorê))))) ((((((Amorê))))) ((((((Amorê)))))

No my dear . . . you cannot hide and the path leads only forward.  Bless you today for being you and being the beautiful person you are.

Rachel

Sweetie, listen very closely to the lyrics of this song.  I think that it is very fitting and the lyrics do hit home.  We all have a restart point at one point or another, and sometimes that new starting point is not as easy as we would like it to be. 

If you have any problems with the link, let me know

We said goodbye to a dear old friend
and we packed our bags and left
feeling sad
its the only way

we said hello as we turned the key
a new roof over our heads
gave a smile
its the only way

turn your head
and don't look back
set your sails for a new horizon
don't turn around , don't look down

oh there's life
across the tracks
and you know its really  not surprising
it gets better
when you get there

well it really don't matter much where you are are
'cause home is in your heart
its a feeling that we wake with one day

some people keep running all of their lives
and still find they haven't gone too far
they don't see it's the feeling inside
the feeling inside

turn your head
and don't look back
set your sails for a new horizon
don't look down, don't turn around

oh there's life
across the tracks
and you know its really  not surprising
it gets better
when you get there

we said hello as we turned the key
a new roof over our heads
gave a smile
its the only way         

lyrics by Phil Collins


I thought I would include the lyrics in my reply.  As you can deduce, its about moving on.  Just remember to "set your sails for a new horizon, don't look down, don't turn around."  This is an awesome song, and I really hope that it helps. 

Be safe honey  :-)

Marlo

https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=phil+collins+we+said+goodbye+hello&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-004

Hi Amore,


I greatly admire your strength, and it's incredible how much of it was required for you to claw your way to this point. The good news is, it seems you have crossed the Rubicon, and I don't think we can be happy until we irrevocably separate ourselves from our facade. 

To find peace, I think you should stop fighting for what is lost, and think about what type of life you want to build now. Your pain should begin alleviate, as you begin taking steps on your new path. I'm sorry that your life has reached such a excruciating and arduous stage. I wish I was there with you, but know that your tears are not unaccompanied.  :'(

Dear Marlo:

I really loved the lyrics . . . how sweet of you to think of them.  First below are my fav stanzas from the The Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyam.  They and the lyrics from Desperado (The Eagles) (second below) really sing to me when being philosophical about the universe of things transgender, being mysterious and magical as it is.

And to you dearest Amorê: Thank you for creating the space for such beauty to occur; I am in your debt.

Music takes away, if only for a little while.  The beauty of it is that it can make our journey so much bearable  :-)

Be safe

Marlo

Hey guys thanks for the songs. They speak right to the soul and each one has got a message for me. I appreciate all your support without you guy's I don't know what I would have done this community have been a blessing on my life.

Thank you guys for being so awesome

Hugs

It's a little thing we do for each other and it has a big, big impact.  You deserve nothing less and so much more - and it will come.

As I read this thread for the last time tonight (I'm in Los Angeles), I though of the following:

There with the grace of god went I, many thanks to all for helping me to do so.

Yours in service and sorority,

Rachel

Well I am sitting at the hardest tuffest crossroad of my life.  ???

I must decide to continue my hrt get back on the bus and never get of again. I really must make a choice and stick to it and never look back again.

It sort of pisses me of when she gives me that glimmer of hope. But it that is all it is hope. She told me if I can prove myself their might be a chance in the far future that we get back together. Why go through all this hell then I must move out prove I don't know what that I can stay male without her and that it is not just because of her. I must go and live alone spend all that money on a place to stay and moving. Then also she expects me to sit and wait for her like a good boy watch movies and eat ice-cream while she is exploring greener fields.

Once she have made her rounds maybe slept with other men and decide she wants me back then I am good enough. How does this work do she think I am that stupid. I have to wait like a good boy for her.

Now why must I end up sitting miserable every day of my life battling dysphoria for her?

Like I feel now I want to tell her to go f*&$ herself. Because this is an unfair request. How must I stay a man for a woman that is actually just playing with me and bullying me into what she wants.

I feel like I just want to get on my hormones get on the boat and never look back become the woman I am and just be me. I feel like the person I have to be to her is just an act because this is what she expects of me. I will be allowed no coping mechanisms also because she is moaning about the panties that she got with the laundry I don't even know how those got in there. Am I going to be able to keep this up and be the 'man' that I supposedly am made to be. I am no man actually I am just a very strong woman that happens to be in a male body.

I need someone to appreciate me for who I really am and love me for being me.

Sometimes time apart is good for perspective and actually makes people realize how much and in what ways the person misses and loves the other.

Still, the whole "Im in charge and i'll decide if you are worthy of me" is not loving and mature. Does she expect you not to transition and then earn her back? Without knowing much more of the situation, that sounds unrealistic and unfair. "Now if she said something to the effect, let's separate and love one another from a distance, see how it goes for both of us. I want the best for both of us etc."... that sounds more loving.

Your love for her is not something that makes her special or unique.

It makes you special and unique.

Now learn to love yourself first of all, in your own special way, unconditionally, no strings attached, deep, wild, true, forever.

QuoteI need someone to appreciate me for who I really am and love me for being me.

That is what I've asked myself every day. That is what I would guess everyone wants. I believe it can happen. You have friends here who will be there with you every step of the way. You go, girl!!!

Quote from: RobynD on December 15, 2015, 12:59:53 PM
Still, the whole "Im in charge and i'll decide if you are worthy of me" is not loving and mature. Does she expect you not to transition and then earn her back? Without knowing much more of the situation, that sounds unrealistic and unfair. "Now if she said something to the effect, let's separate and love one another from a distance, see how it goes for both of us. I want the best for both of us etc."... that sounds more loving.

Looks like that is what she expects. She expects of me to move out while she files for divorce stay a man prove that I am worthy of her. Then if she is happy with my progress and I proved that I can be independent than she will maybe give me a chance.

She don't see that I am in a depression hole because of her divorcing me and emotionally abusing me. A lot of this just because a could not make her cut of what a man is supposed to be because I am transgender.

http://youtu.be/iWB_b480-9c here is a song written and performed by one of the most incredible and inspiring trans-women (to me) out there. That i think you can apply to your situation and gain strength from! (If the style of music is not your thing there is an acoustic version out there too, the important part is the lyrics)


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Hi:  Just dropping in for a sec.  Take care.

Yours,

Rachel

Just saying hello . . . Rachel

Quote from: Rp1713 on December 15, 2015, 01:31:41 PM
here is a song written and performed by one of the most incredible and inspiring trans-women (to me) out there. That i think you can apply to your situation and gain strength from! (If the style of music is not your thing there is an acoustic version out there too, the important part is the lyrics)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Awesome song love the lyrics. Unfortunately I am one of those people that will choose love over transitioning even if it hurts me bad to give up being a girl. She is still playing the cat and mouse game with me I can see she is contemplating giving me a chance but I think there is too much external influences. I just can't promise her that I will stay a man if she divorces me. I would then rather live alone as a woman than stay a man and have to find new love. I love one woman as a man that is all the next one will be with me as a woman.

Okay and I never imagined that I will pass this well because I met a guy online or a couple of them and I had to tell them that I am transgender I also wanted to see what the reaction was like. I used my avatar picture as a profile picture. Some of them did not want to believe me and argued that I can't be transgender. Sooooooo maybe I look more passable than I imagined.  :P

This gives me confidence,also huge confidence boost actually but it still sucks being blown of because you are trans.

At this stage it feels if life is pushing me in the direction of transitioning and I am fighting it because of a relationship and because I am scared that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am also scared of the discrimination. I just don't know my life is so much easier just staying a man. I know I am not what I want to be but I can be true still because I know I am transgender no matter what I do that is the fact that I have to accept.

Amoré, maximize your happiness, whether that means medical transition or not. Whatever you choose we're still behind you.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on December 16, 2015, 09:34:10 AM
Amoré, maximize your happiness, whether that means medical transition or not. Whatever you choose we're still behind you.

I wish it was that easy to choose but my therapist and I know if I wasn't in a relationship right now I would have made the leap. It would not have been a juggle or a question even I would have said make me the girl I am and I would have searched for someone as me. Whatever that means because guys tend to run for the hills even from beautiful trans woman.

Hi Amore,

I joined the forum just to say that your girlfriend sounds like a jerk. Not because she's not ok with who you are, but that she isn't ok with it but is stringing you along.

You don't deserve to be hurt. I'm no therapist, just a wise, older "woman". In my experience, it's best to be true to yourself, cling to the people that love and respect you, and get away from those that are toxic to you.

I know that the thought of being alone can be terrifying. Just get on with your life and love will find you.

Always remember, you deserve love and respect. Period.

All the best,
Kelley

Hey there kiddo; sorry that I have not kept up here the last couple of days but alas, here I am.

Remember the lyrics to We Said Hello, Goodbye and take them to heart.  Sometimes we have to say goodbye before we can move on to say hello to something or someone new.  Sometimes after we say goodbye to someone, we have to hurt and more often than not we have to hurt alone to heal, albeit you're never truly alone as you have all of us.  If there were only some way that we could teleport.......

There is someone out there for you, honey; and this person will love you for you and not be "OK" with anything.  One night stands, maybe as it must be "OK" if they're having sex with you but for anything serious or long-term you have to be loved for who and not what you are as you are a "who" and not a "what."  I know a few guys that would love to get up with you for a long time relationship.  The key ingredients  are trust and respect.

Your significant other had her chance; let her go be happy with someone else.  You have to be happy with yourself before you can really accomplish your goal, and I believe that it is quite clear that she is a roadblock you your happiness.

Remember:  you are not a transgendered person but rather a person who happens to be transgendered; big difference.  Gotta run for now.

Keep you head up, hun and stay safe :-)


Marlo

Amoré, based on your avatar, I'm a good bit, no make that a lot older than you are.  My therapist pointed out to me the other day that for my entire life, I have put other people's needs in front of my own.  Don't do like I've done and try to live your life for other people because it's only going to make you old and sad.  Plus sooner or later, it's just going to collapse on you anyway.  In your case from what you have written I would guess sooner.  Since others have put song lyrics on here, let me share one that's always spoken to me.  Garth Brooks - The River and I've put in bold parts that I think are really prophetic.


I stood on the shoreline too many years and said I was satisfied.  Now with whatever small amount of time I have left on this side of the grass, I'm going to chance those rapids. 

I agree with Supermotochick about your girlfriend, you deserve love and respect just as much as anyone else. Preserving your relationship at the expense of your own happiness/ identity, sounds like a bad deal to me. Remember, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Imagine the satisfaction of being loved and accepted as yourself. Wouldn't that be better? I doubt you'll achieve that unless you act in support of your own rational self interest, ie. Amore'. I also doubt that someone as pretty as you would be alone for long. Putting up with BS never makes anyone happier.

Quote

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

I stood on the shoreline too many years and said I was satisfied.  Now with whatever small amount of time I have left on this side of the grass, I'm going to chance those rapids.

Beverly Ann I love these lines - Hope they are helpful to Amoré.

Amoré - I'm worried about you. On the one hand I really, really admire your faithfulness to your wife and efforts to go the extra mile. I believe a fully committed relationship is a beautiful thing. There are situations though one has to physically leave - those of physical or severe emotional abuse - and separating in these cases is the most loving thing you can do for the both of you. The problem with many abusers, they love you and can feel and act loving to you on one day and then fall right back into their abusive habits (that wreck you either physically or emotionally, the later really having almost the same effect as the former) the next day. If you are in this situation (only you can make the final determination on the answer to this question) you must separate for the good of both of you. If you do have to do that, you do not have to stop loving your wife (she must have many great qualities, I can feel your love for her).

Love,
Denali

I had to leave my family this morning for the same reasons. I know what you are going through because I am going through it as well. My daughter told me last night that she will "dis-own" me. I was super dad to her and she can't process this info and asked how I could be a Christian and Trans. We were very close...until now. My wife has known for 3 years. I was on MTF HRT for 1 or 2 months back in 2013, and then told her about my struggles. We worked through it in a Christian manor. I was still struggling and went back on hormones in 2014 for about 1 or 2 months and this time my wife found out and was furious. Back to Christian and Pastoral counseling. But I can't deal with the testosterone running through my veins. So I am back on MTF HRT and I came out to my kids yesterday, and we managed to hold the news from my wife, who was just hit with the information this morning that I can't continue living like this, and now I am alone with no place to go and no place to sleep tonight.

(This is my first post on Susan's Place)

Quote from: TessaLee on December 20, 2015, 10:53:40 AM
I had to leave my family this morning for the same reasons. I know what you are going through because I am going through it as well. My daughter told me last night that she will "dis-own" me. I was super dad to her and she can't process this info and asked how I could be a Christian and Trans. We were very close...until now. My wife has known for 3 years. I was on MTF HRT for 1 or 2 months back in 2013, and then told her about my struggles. We worked through it in a Christian manor. I was still struggling and went back on hormones in 2014 for about 1 or 2 months and this time my wife found out and was furious. Back to Christian and Pastoral counseling. But I can't deal with the testosterone running through my veins. So I am back on MTF HRT and I came out to my kids yesterday, and we managed to hold the news from my wife, who was just hit with the information this morning that I can't continue living like this, and now I am alone with no place to go and no place to sleep tonight.

(This is my first post on Susan's Place)

Welcome to the forum TessaLee you came to the right place. I am so sorry for your struggle I know too well what you are going through.I hope you find shelter for the night.

We drove now to family on the long road and I m behaving and just being myself. I told her I have hope for us still and she got abusive and I just thought why am I putting myself through this crap. She is accusing me of everything that is going wrong. I am so tired of it sort of because I can just do so much and take so much. I feel like I just want to show them all the special finger and be the independent strong woman I am supposed to be. I don't even want to say the crap that she is coming up with on this forum but it hurts me. It makes me feel worthless. I don't know if it will be better stepping back turning around and walking away than to eat this ->-bleeped-<-. Because no one deserves this from someone they love.

TessaLee - Oh my dear, I am just bawling reading your post! Please accept my hugs, my thoughts, and prayers. I think I can understand a lot of what you are going through even though I haven't taken any transitioning steps yet. I am Christian too - my theology is closest to what most people would call conservative or evangelical, but it is ironically the liberal progressive churches who I don't otherwise have much theological compatibility with that are more accepting to us. I can only say that I hope that your family member's will listen to God speaking to hearts that they need to accept you and love you as you are - just like He does!!

If I can help in any way, I'm here (and I am quite sure many others here are as well). I cannot imagine how hard of a time this is for you.

Hugs, prayers, and love,
Denali

I was so scared about when this day would come. Now it is here. I thought that I would be weeping like crazy. It took a few hours. Now I am crying. My wife just said that she loves me "more than life" and that I am "under attack from the enemy". As a Conservative Evangelical Christian, I should want to fight, right? My 18 year old daughter told me that I can't give in after 3 years. But I have been unraveling for 3 years and feel like I am going to implode. I have become quite sensitive to Testosterone and just can't handle it's effect anymore. I feel perfectly normal while on spiro and estradiol, but it is starting to affect my sex life, which is unfair to my wife. My wife has always been very very loving, but what if things don't work out her way? I did not want to ruin my family's Christmas, but the timing was a little out of my control.

Mod Edit: Dosage

TessaLee I am so sorry for your pain. I can relate with this my child is luckily 2 years old. But you can see the distance that my wife put between me and her is affecting my child. I hope your children is accepting only you will know if transition is right for you. I will have been all over the place with starting and stopping hrt treatment to save my marriage and stay a man for my child.

I fear on of the consciences of divorcing will be transitioning. If I don't say screw it and start tomorrow. My wife I fear is only interested in her own well being and what she wants and what is best for her. She is only living for herself. She told me she don't need me or a man she doesn't want another man because she is not willing to raise him like a child also. I had a really really tuff year I saw my business go down went bankrupt. I had everything at the age of 27 I owned two cars my own house my own business and was financially independent.I lost everything and is unemployed at this stage.

She was dependent on me throughout our whole relationship. She got a great job after finishing her studies with a big company and now she don't need me anymore because she can be independent. She don't need my transgender baggage and she didn't ask for this she is saying. So hats off to your wife. My wife is telling me how broken I am and crap everyday. 

Welcome to Susan's Place TessaLee. I am sorry whenever this happens because I would like to see couples remain together. It tends to be better for both people involved but far to often couples do break up. At this point, you need to consult a divorce lawyer because you may already have legal issues that you will need to deal with and the longer you wait, the worst position you may find yourself in. I hope some of the family will come to understand why you need to do this. If there is anything we can help you with, let us know.

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I think we get so consumed and focused on "the next thing" and serving wife and family, that we can forget to care about ourselves to our detriment. Marriage, Church, children, adoption, 6 years building a 4,000+ square foot house. Taking in foster kids, adoption, horses, starting a Christian Ranch, pause.... who am I and what am I doing? Can I breath yet? Crap, I forgot to breath for like ...a year.

This is going to sound harsh but working it out in the church through Christian counseling will never work and will only lead you deeper into a pit of despair. 

I tried that path in a very conservative and traditional Anglican denomination where at one time I was accepted as a postulant for the priesthood.  So my words aren't just anti-Christian diatribe.  What the conservatives believe and teach about transsexuality is simply and entirely FALSE.  So their solutions are guaranteed for complete and utter FAILURE.

That all said, I do hope you and your family can find a way through this while remaining intact.  Just know that finding that is every bit as much on them as it is on you.


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Quote from: Deborah on December 20, 2015, 01:25:18 PM
This is going to sound harsh but working it out in the church through Christian counseling will never work and will only lead you deeper into a pit of despair. 

I tried that path in a very conservative and traditional Anglican denomination where at one time I was accepted as a postulant for the priesthood.  So my words aren't just anti-Christian diatribe.  What the conservatives believe and teach about transsexuality is simply and entirely FALSE.  So their solutions are guaranteed for complete and utter failure.

This an interesting thing that happened to me also they told me I have a demon in me and they should get it out. I also had a woman told me the other day how wrong I am and that God made me a man and things and tried to convince me that I can't be transgendered it is impossible to be transgender.

Amore, this reminds me of what happened to a captain during my fire department career.

His wife was very loving and dependent on him, and he put her through nursing school.  He goes as far as building her a beautiful log cabin home and getting himself in quite some debt doing so.  Well, what happens once she graduates?

You guessed it.  She lands an awesome job paying about $30 an hour which was pretty good at the time.  Not too ominous.  But then comes the boyfriend she was seeing throughout school; yes the plot thickens.  Long story short, she divorces his ass, takes the house and the two kids along with the family dog and the nicer of the two vehicles and married the guy I swear before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers.  It got to the point where this captain (who was also a very good friend) had to live at the fire station for a while before he could even get back on his feet. 

This is the best (worst) part; she tried to tap into his pension and get half of it.  Fortunately his pension had not vested yet and the law states that she cannot be awarded any part of a pension that is not vested nor hold any interest until and after the pension vests.  nice, huh?

He got through it and so will you.  You can only mask the smell of crap for so long before its true stench permeates everything.  The only way to get rid of the stench is to get rid of it.  She is the crap, not you. You have to get rid of it before she winds up doing irreparable damage to you.  Either way you can see that she'll cast you off on the street.

It is time to get out while you can and to have a plan in place.  It is time you do what is best for you. 

I never knew you existed until a few days ago and I can probably speak for everyone who has answered your initial post.  Think about it; it says something when total strangers care about you and your well being more than your own wife does.  I make it a point to check your thread every chance I get when I'm off the highway and not having to do administrative stuff in my office.

It is time to get past the sad songs and sayings and attack the problem; not enable it. I leave you for now with this:


I've been around for you
Been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
Lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief

You got me stealing your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
and we can't relive it
Oh, I make you laugh
and you make me cry
I believe its time to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh. but I'm tired of holdin' on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
and the intoleration
Oh. I make you laugh
and you make me cry
I believe its time for me to fly

Time for me to fly
Oh. I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly   
and that's just how its got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But its time for me to fly         

written by Kevin Cronin
retrieved from http://www.metrolyrics.com/time-for-me-to-fly-lyrics-reo-speedwagon.html


I know the words by heart and it got me through one of the roughest times in my life (aside from my parents dying and some very close friends dying). While I never really played it when I was touring professionally, I do plan to play it next month when I'm in Mexico for a week.

I'm going to play it tonight when I get home; just for you.  You gotta make it YOUR time now.

As always, be safe honey  :-)


Marlo

I was in the middle of responding to the demon post and I accidentally lost it, so here it goes again.

I just had to respond when I read it.

We all have demons; some of like us have organized leagues.  My demons are well under control and tame.  Yes, there too is a monster inside of me that will emerge should anyone try to harm my family.  This thing scares even me, for I am well aware of what it is capable of.  I thank God that it too is well under control.

Let me tell you something about people who condemn you. You wouldn't believe the number of them that I have slept with over the years and most are married still.  When someone like the woman that told you how wrong you are, just think of me and that it is more possible than one may think that her hubby has slept with "someone like me."   I have to keep this PC so I'll leave it at that.

As long as you have made your peace with God, nobody, and I mean nobody has the right to judge you.  It is for God to make any kind of judgement if He so chooses, not man - it even says so in the Bible.  I shall reserve my personal thoughts before I get myself in trouble; it would really pain me so to not be able and keep up with you.  Perhaps one day in a dialect between just the two of us I can tell you what I really opine.

Yes, they have their First Amendment rights and that is fine; you too have the right not to listen to them.  It is probably a good thing that I accidentally deleted my first draft because I had a doozie going.


I sooooo have to get back out on patrol.  TTYL

Marlo

TessaLee you might take a look at the thread, "Praying the trans away," that I started a few days ago. Same thing, different flavor!
Several women (and men) on this site have beautiful words of wisdom.
This is a place of strength, knowledge, and inspiration.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi

Well I dont know I see my road is going to lead to where I have to walk away for the sake of both of us. She told me this morning I said I choose my family but my actions showed different my actions show that I wanted to be a woman. I know at that stage I did not have my dysphoria under wraps.

What tends to happen with me is dysphoria is like a lion camouflaged and waiting to pounce. Once I am under major stress or presure it attacks and presures more on what is already going on. Like when my business went bankrupt. It happened in the past where I just have to take a couple of days of to get everything under wraps.


This year was non stop so I had non stop dysphoria I could not end it. I am only able to get it under wraps now but only sort of I uncovered so much of myself. I am definitely transgender and I know I am a woman but I don't mind living as a man when I manage it. It is a dangerous thing to do I know.

The hardest thing I have to do is turn around and walk away from my marriage. It feels like the biggest worst thing that I ever had to do in my life. My wife has got good attributes that I love things that I can't look past I know she is hurt.

If I could choose obviously I would be a woman. But my family is more important to me than being my true self.

Amore, I agree that Family is more important. But if you are on an airplane with your family and the plane suddenly depressurizes, and the masks fall, what are you supposed to do? You are to put your oxygen mask on first, and then take care of your family. I am always trying to take care of others first, and now I find myself more often than not - passed out on the floor. And for some reason, HRT is my oxygen. I do not believe I have a choice in the matter anymore.
I spent my first night away from my family by choice last night. It was very difficult, but I had a young couple take me in like a lost puppy dog, and I feel cared for.
I talked to my wife last night, and asked her if she could handle me just taking spiro, and I would see if I could manage without the estrogen. She said "you can't have your cake and eat it too". I thought that was a huge concession on my part. I don't understand the reply.

I am so glad you had shelter. I could not imagined what you are going through.

Quote from: TessaLee on December 21, 2015, 11:05:31 AM
Amore, I agree that Family is more important. But if you are on an airplane with your family and the plane suddenly depressurizes, and the masks fall, what are you supposed to do? You are to put your oxygen mask on first, and then take care of your family. I am always trying to take care of others first, and now I find myself more often than not - passed out on the floor. And for some reason, HRT is my oxygen. I do not believe I have a choice in the matter anymore.
I spent my first night away from my family by choice last night. It was very difficult, but I had a young couple take me in like a lost puppy dog, and I feel cared for.
I talked to my wife last night, and asked her if she could handle me just taking spiro, and I would see if I could manage without the estrogen. She said "you can't have your cake and eat it too". I thought that was a huge concession on my part. I don't understand the reply.

I am also taking care of my family and others first and then of myself. I also can understand that we must survive this world but at the expense of other things that I love. I can go back and forward on this subject forever and I won't get to a conclusion. My wife is at this stage showing me and the whole family that she does not want me anymore. It hurts like hell. But I am not the turn around and walk away type.

I am unfortunately one of those people that will fight to my last breath. But I fear this time I am going to have to call it also and walk away. I am trying hard to walk away. It is going to be very hard.

Amore,

I like your attitude. Any suggestions about how I can "fight" for my family?
I have a 4 year old and a 11 year old that are missing me.

Tessa Lee, I hope Amoray or someone else can give you good advice about your kids (maybe you can start your own thread asking for support and advice?)

I want to say it makes me sooo upset that your family is treating you this way. Coming from a fairly conservative Christian background I can understand them at some level - but in the final analysis they are NOT following Jesus' example of unconditional love. Even if it were a sin (which I think is a thoughtless misapplication of the Bible) to transition or merely accept some hrt that shouldn't affect your family's love and concern for you (Jesus wouldn't have said you can't have your cake and eat it too about something like this!). I do pray that you will be able to continue to be a light in the life of your kids and your wife will have a change of heart.

I have to say i would give my life for my family, in any circumstance. What i won't do though is to allow them to dictate what i have to do to keep myself alive. Those sound contradictory but it is not.

They choose to react to this how they want. I would never abandon them, regardless of if they chose to abandon me. A dead me cannot really be there for them. (other than a cool gravestone to put flowers on and all the fun memories)

You know if my wife came to be and said, look i feel like i really need this thing or i am afraid i will spiral down and not be here in the future. (pick something i would feel uncomfortable with her doing). I'd really out of love, have to afford her that.

People use Christianity and religion in general do justify bad reactions and bigotry to many things. People claiming they know how the creator wants you to run your life, is pretty incredible when you think about. Apply the same standards to everything in their lives, because you know how that will turn out.

Keep the faith and keep yourself the two are in now way incompatible.

Hi TessaLee

Well like me I take it transitioning and hrt is going to be the final nail in the coffin. My wife was okay with everything until I started taking hrt. She actually went to my psych and told her she can deal with me being a woman and that we will stay together. Now she had a change of heart.

I basically tried to accept myself for what I am a woman in a mans body I know I can fix it but to what expense. So I am a woman with a penis. But being with my family is worth being in this body because that is how I belong with them.That is how I fit in to my family.

Unfortunately I realized this fact too late when a lot of damage was done. I have to prove now that I can live with dysphoria. At a stage I wanted to be a woman more than anything in this world but I wanted my cake and eat it. I can't have both! I have to choose if I want to be with my family or do I want to be a woman.

I remember walking into my first appointment with my psychiatrist and telling her I want it to go away I want to be with my family. She told me there is nothing she can do to make it go away I have to choose what I want to do with it. It is only your choice alone. It hurts like hell being rejected from your wife I know that all too well. I particularly don't always hate being in my male body I just felt that a male only role in life is to restricted.But I know by heart if I could choose to be female I would take it if it did not have the consequences it does now. I always felt metrosexual fits me and gives me space to breathe a bit. It is not really living like a woman but at least it is better than nothing.

Remember for your wife this is a difficult thing also. She is afraid of losing her husband and will grief over you same with your children. It is only your choice at the end of the day.

"you make great sacrifices for the ones you love"

hugs - Amoray