This is the hardest thing that I ever faced

[Qrachel]

Just saying hello . . . Rachel

[Amoré]

here is a song written and performed by one of the most incredible and inspiring trans-women (to me) out there. That i think you can apply to your situation and gain strength from! (If the style of music is not your thing there is an acoustic version out there too, the important part is the lyrics)


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Awesome song love the lyrics. Unfortunately I am one of those people that will choose love over transitioning even if it hurts me bad to give up being a girl. She is still playing the cat and mouse game with me I can see she is contemplating giving me a chance but I think there is too much external influences. I just can't promise her that I will stay a man if she divorces me. I would then rather live alone as a woman than stay a man and have to find new love. I love one woman as a man that is all the next one will be with me as a woman.

Okay and I never imagined that I will pass this well because I met a guy online or a couple of them and I had to tell them that I am transgender I also wanted to see what the reaction was like. I used my avatar picture as a profile picture. Some of them did not want to believe me and argued that I can't be transgender. Sooooooo maybe I look more passable than I imagined. 

This gives me confidence,also huge confidence boost actually but it still sucks being blown of because you are trans.

At this stage it feels if life is pushing me in the direction of transitioning and I am fighting it because of a relationship and because I am scared that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am also scared of the discrimination. I just don't know my life is so much easier just staying a man. I know I am not what I want to be but I can be true still because I know I am transgender no matter what I do that is the fact that I have to accept.

[Dee Marshall]

Amoré, maximize your happiness, whether that means medical transition or not. Whatever you choose we're still behind you.

[Amoré]

Amoré, maximize your happiness, whether that means medical transition or not. Whatever you choose we're still behind you.

I wish it was that easy to choose but my therapist and I know if I wasn't in a relationship right now I would have made the leap. It would not have been a juggle or a question even I would have said make me the girl I am and I would have searched for someone as me. Whatever that means because guys tend to run for the hills even from beautiful trans woman.

[SuperMotoChick]

Hi Amore,

I joined the forum just to say that your girlfriend sounds like a jerk. Not because she's not ok with who you are, but that she isn't ok with it but is stringing you along.

You don't deserve to be hurt. I'm no therapist, just a wise, older "woman". In my experience, it's best to be true to yourself, cling to the people that love and respect you, and get away from those that are toxic to you.

I know that the thought of being alone can be terrifying. Just get on with your life and love will find you.

Always remember, you deserve love and respect. Period.

All the best,
Kelley

[MsMarlo]

Hey there kiddo; sorry that I have not kept up here the last couple of days but alas, here I am.

Remember the lyrics to We Said Hello, Goodbye and take them to heart.  Sometimes we have to say goodbye before we can move on to say hello to something or someone new.  Sometimes after we say goodbye to someone, we have to hurt and more often than not we have to hurt alone to heal, albeit you're never truly alone as you have all of us.  If there were only some way that we could teleport.......

There is someone out there for you, honey; and this person will love you for you and not be "OK" with anything.  One night stands, maybe as it must be "OK" if they're having sex with you but for anything serious or long-term you have to be loved for who and not what you are as you are a "who" and not a "what."  I know a few guys that would love to get up with you for a long time relationship.  The key ingredients  are trust and respect.

Your significant other had her chance; let her go be happy with someone else.  You have to be happy with yourself before you can really accomplish your goal, and I believe that it is quite clear that she is a roadblock you your happiness.

Remember:  you are not a transgendered person but rather a person who happens to be transgendered; big difference.  Gotta run for now.

Keep you head up, hun and stay safe :-)


Marlo

[BeverlyAnn]

Amoré, based on your avatar, I'm a good bit, no make that a lot older than you are.  My therapist pointed out to me the other day that for my entire life, I have put other people's needs in front of my own.  Don't do like I've done and try to live your life for other people because it's only going to make you old and sad.  Plus sooner or later, it's just going to collapse on you anyway.  In your case from what you have written I would guess sooner.  Since others have put song lyrics on here, let me share one that's always spoken to me.  Garth Brooks - The River and I've put in bold parts that I think are really prophetic.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamers just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

I stood on the shoreline too many years and said I was satisfied.  Now with whatever small amount of time I have left on this side of the grass, I'm going to chance those rapids. 

[Christina308]

I agree with Supermotochick about your girlfriend, you deserve love and respect just as much as anyone else. Preserving your relationship at the expense of your own happiness/ identity, sounds like a bad deal to me. Remember, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Imagine the satisfaction of being loved and accepted as yourself. Wouldn't that be better? I doubt you'll achieve that unless you act in support of your own rational self interest, ie. Amore'. I also doubt that someone as pretty as you would be alone for long. Putting up with BS never makes anyone happier.

[Adena]

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

I stood on the shoreline too many years and said I was satisfied.  Now with whatever small amount of time I have left on this side of the grass, I'm going to chance those rapids.

Beverly Ann I love these lines - Hope they are helpful to Amoré.

Amoré - I'm worried about you. On the one hand I really, really admire your faithfulness to your wife and efforts to go the extra mile. I believe a fully committed relationship is a beautiful thing. There are situations though one has to physically leave - those of physical or severe emotional abuse - and separating in these cases is the most loving thing you can do for the both of you. The problem with many abusers, they love you and can feel and act loving to you on one day and then fall right back into their abusive habits (that wreck you either physically or emotionally, the later really having almost the same effect as the former) the next day. If you are in this situation (only you can make the final determination on the answer to this question) you must separate for the good of both of you. If you do have to do that, you do not have to stop loving your wife (she must have many great qualities, I can feel your love for her).

Love,
Denali

[TessaLee]

I had to leave my family this morning for the same reasons. I know what you are going through because I am going through it as well. My daughter told me last night that she will "dis-own" me. I was super dad to her and she can't process this info and asked how I could be a Christian and Trans. We were very close...until now. My wife has known for 3 years. I was on MTF HRT for 1 or 2 months back in 2013, and then told her about my struggles. We worked through it in a Christian manor. I was still struggling and went back on hormones in 2014 for about 1 or 2 months and this time my wife found out and was furious. Back to Christian and Pastoral counseling. But I can't deal with the testosterone running through my veins. So I am back on MTF HRT and I came out to my kids yesterday, and we managed to hold the news from my wife, who was just hit with the information this morning that I can't continue living like this, and now I am alone with no place to go and no place to sleep tonight.

(This is my first post on Susan's Place)

[Amoré]

I had to leave my family this morning for the same reasons. I know what you are going through because I am going through it as well. My daughter told me last night that she will "dis-own" me. I was super dad to her and she can't process this info and asked how I could be a Christian and Trans. We were very close...until now. My wife has known for 3 years. I was on MTF HRT for 1 or 2 months back in 2013, and then told her about my struggles. We worked through it in a Christian manor. I was still struggling and went back on hormones in 2014 for about 1 or 2 months and this time my wife found out and was furious. Back to Christian and Pastoral counseling. But I can't deal with the testosterone running through my veins. So I am back on MTF HRT and I came out to my kids yesterday, and we managed to hold the news from my wife, who was just hit with the information this morning that I can't continue living like this, and now I am alone with no place to go and no place to sleep tonight.

(This is my first post on Susan's Place)

Welcome to the forum TessaLee you came to the right place. I am so sorry for your struggle I know too well what you are going through.I hope you find shelter for the night.

We drove now to family on the long road and I m behaving and just being myself. I told her I have hope for us still and she got abusive and I just thought why am I putting myself through this crap. She is accusing me of everything that is going wrong. I am so tired of it sort of because I can just do so much and take so much. I feel like I just want to show them all the special finger and be the independent strong woman I am supposed to be. I don't even want to say the crap that she is coming up with on this forum but it hurts me. It makes me feel worthless. I don't know if it will be better stepping back turning around and walking away than to eat this ->-bleeped-<-. Because no one deserves this from someone they love.

[Adena]

TessaLee - Oh my dear, I am just bawling reading your post! Please accept my hugs, my thoughts, and prayers. I think I can understand a lot of what you are going through even though I haven't taken any transitioning steps yet. I am Christian too - my theology is closest to what most people would call conservative or evangelical, but it is ironically the liberal progressive churches who I don't otherwise have much theological compatibility with that are more accepting to us. I can only say that I hope that your family member's will listen to God speaking to hearts that they need to accept you and love you as you are - just like He does!!

If I can help in any way, I'm here (and I am quite sure many others here are as well). I cannot imagine how hard of a time this is for you.

Hugs, prayers, and love,
Denali

[TessaLee]

I was so scared about when this day would come. Now it is here. I thought that I would be weeping like crazy. It took a few hours. Now I am crying. My wife just said that she loves me "more than life" and that I am "under attack from the enemy". As a Conservative Evangelical Christian, I should want to fight, right? My 18 year old daughter told me that I can't give in after 3 years. But I have been unraveling for 3 years and feel like I am going to implode. I have become quite sensitive to Testosterone and just can't handle it's effect anymore. I feel perfectly normal while on spiro and estradiol, but it is starting to affect my sex life, which is unfair to my wife. My wife has always been very very loving, but what if things don't work out her way? I did not want to ruin my family's Christmas, but the timing was a little out of my control.

Mod Edit: Dosage

[Amoré]

TessaLee I am so sorry for your pain. I can relate with this my child is luckily 2 years old. But you can see the distance that my wife put between me and her is affecting my child. I hope your children is accepting only you will know if transition is right for you. I will have been all over the place with starting and stopping hrt treatment to save my marriage and stay a man for my child.

I fear on of the consciences of divorcing will be transitioning. If I don't say screw it and start tomorrow. My wife I fear is only interested in her own well being and what she wants and what is best for her. She is only living for herself. She told me she don't need me or a man she doesn't want another man because she is not willing to raise him like a child also. I had a really really tuff year I saw my business go down went bankrupt. I had everything at the age of 27 I owned two cars my own house my own business and was financially independent.I lost everything and is unemployed at this stage.

She was dependent on me throughout our whole relationship. She got a great job after finishing her studies with a big company and now she don't need me anymore because she can be independent. She don't need my transgender baggage and she didn't ask for this she is saying. So hats off to your wife. My wife is telling me how broken I am and crap everyday. 

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place TessaLee. I am sorry whenever this happens because I would like to see couples remain together. It tends to be better for both people involved but far to often couples do break up. At this point, you need to consult a divorce lawyer because you may already have legal issues that you will need to deal with and the longer you wait, the worst position you may find yourself in. I hope some of the family will come to understand why you need to do this. If there is anything we can help you with, let us know.

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[TessaLee]

I think we get so consumed and focused on "the next thing" and serving wife and family, that we can forget to care about ourselves to our detriment. Marriage, Church, children, adoption, 6 years building a 4,000+ square foot house. Taking in foster kids, adoption, horses, starting a Christian Ranch, pause.... who am I and what am I doing? Can I breath yet? Crap, I forgot to breath for like ...a year.

[Deborah]

This is going to sound harsh but working it out in the church through Christian counseling will never work and will only lead you deeper into a pit of despair. 

I tried that path in a very conservative and traditional Anglican denomination where at one time I was accepted as a postulant for the priesthood.  So my words aren't just anti-Christian diatribe.  What the conservatives believe and teach about transsexuality is simply and entirely FALSE.  So their solutions are guaranteed for complete and utter FAILURE.

That all said, I do hope you and your family can find a way through this while remaining intact.  Just know that finding that is every bit as much on them as it is on you.


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[Amoré]

This is going to sound harsh but working it out in the church through Christian counseling will never work and will only lead you deeper into a pit of despair. 

I tried that path in a very conservative and traditional Anglican denomination where at one time I was accepted as a postulant for the priesthood.  So my words aren't just anti-Christian diatribe.  What the conservatives believe and teach about transsexuality is simply and entirely FALSE.  So their solutions are guaranteed for complete and utter failure.

This an interesting thing that happened to me also they told me I have a demon in me and they should get it out. I also had a woman told me the other day how wrong I am and that God made me a man and things and tried to convince me that I can't be transgendered it is impossible to be transgender.

[MsMarlo]

Amore, this reminds me of what happened to a captain during my fire department career.

His wife was very loving and dependent on him, and he put her through nursing school.  He goes as far as building her a beautiful log cabin home and getting himself in quite some debt doing so.  Well, what happens once she graduates?

You guessed it.  She lands an awesome job paying about $30 an hour which was pretty good at the time.  Not too ominous.  But then comes the boyfriend she was seeing throughout school; yes the plot thickens.  Long story short, she divorces his ass, takes the house and the two kids along with the family dog and the nicer of the two vehicles and married the guy I swear before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers.  It got to the point where this captain (who was also a very good friend) had to live at the fire station for a while before he could even get back on his feet. 

This is the best (worst) part; she tried to tap into his pension and get half of it.  Fortunately his pension had not vested yet and the law states that she cannot be awarded any part of a pension that is not vested nor hold any interest until and after the pension vests.  nice, huh?

He got through it and so will you.  You can only mask the smell of crap for so long before its true stench permeates everything.  The only way to get rid of the stench is to get rid of it.  She is the crap, not you. You have to get rid of it before she winds up doing irreparable damage to you.  Either way you can see that she'll cast you off on the street.

It is time to get out while you can and to have a plan in place.  It is time you do what is best for you. 

I never knew you existed until a few days ago and I can probably speak for everyone who has answered your initial post.  Think about it; it says something when total strangers care about you and your well being more than your own wife does.  I make it a point to check your thread every chance I get when I'm off the highway and not having to do administrative stuff in my office.

It is time to get past the sad songs and sayings and attack the problem; not enable it. I leave you for now with this:


I've been around for you
Been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
Lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief

You got me stealing your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
and we can't relive it
Oh, I make you laugh
and you make me cry
I believe its time to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh. but I'm tired of holdin' on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
and the intoleration
Oh. I make you laugh
and you make me cry
I believe its time for me to fly

Time for me to fly
Oh. I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly   
and that's just how its got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But its time for me to fly         

written by Kevin Cronin
retrieved from http://www.metrolyrics.com/time-for-me-to-fly-lyrics-reo-speedwagon.html


I know the words by heart and it got me through one of the roughest times in my life (aside from my parents dying and some very close friends dying). While I never really played it when I was touring professionally, I do plan to play it next month when I'm in Mexico for a week.

I'm going to play it tonight when I get home; just for you.  You gotta make it YOUR time now.

As always, be safe honey  :-)


Marlo

[MsMarlo]

I was in the middle of responding to the demon post and I accidentally lost it, so here it goes again.

I just had to respond when I read it.

We all have demons; some of like us have organized leagues.  My demons are well under control and tame.  Yes, there too is a monster inside of me that will emerge should anyone try to harm my family.  This thing scares even me, for I am well aware of what it is capable of.  I thank God that it too is well under control.

Let me tell you something about people who condemn you. You wouldn't believe the number of them that I have slept with over the years and most are married still.  When someone like the woman that told you how wrong you are, just think of me and that it is more possible than one may think that her hubby has slept with "someone like me."   I have to keep this PC so I'll leave it at that.

As long as you have made your peace with God, nobody, and I mean nobody has the right to judge you.  It is for God to make any kind of judgement if He so chooses, not man - it even says so in the Bible.  I shall reserve my personal thoughts before I get myself in trouble; it would really pain me so to not be able and keep up with you.  Perhaps one day in a dialect between just the two of us I can tell you what I really opine.

Yes, they have their First Amendment rights and that is fine; you too have the right not to listen to them.  It is probably a good thing that I accidentally deleted my first draft because I had a doozie going.


I sooooo have to get back out on patrol.  TTYL

Marlo