I went to get my antidepressants this morning and found out my wife took me of her medical aid. How can you be so spitefull and heartless is a couple of bucks in your pocket worth more than someones life? >:(
I am so hurt by this.
I stood standing in a queue and the woman tells me sorry you haven't got medical aid you have to pay cash for your pills. This is my antidepressants for god sake!!!!! I need them!!!!!
I can't believe what this relationship has come too that someone can stoop so low this is beyond low in my eyes. I stood there shocked and did not know what to say.
I confronted her and she sayd I am not her responsibility anymore I must start looking after myself but I am unemployed. I told her now I am so fed up with her ->-bleeped-<- because she is creating unnecessary drama and fights with her spitefull behaviour and emotional abusive crap.
I wish I can just rip my heart out so that I feel nothing no more for her!
She is telling me when she did not want me to become a woman I became one well I started hormones. She actually backed me in it and is denying everything now. Now that I want to stay I man I must go <not allowed> myself she told me.
I just want to rip my own heart out so I just don't feel anything when I started crying she told me how weak I am and that I must go and piss at another place the same old story.
I told her here I am standing I am giving everything I am trying I am trying my best and what do I get a <not allowed> you. She said she can see that I am trying but I am not going to fix it in two days well we are at 3 weeks actually.
I am heart broken again. She acused me of in a couple of months I am going to lose control and the female in me is going to take over. I asked her so you are sying I must transition she told me now I must not I told her but you are telling me I am skrewed now you want to tell me I am going to lose to her and then when I tell you well then I will transition you tell me it is wrong!
I am just venting I don't know where else to speak
As you take hormones it looks like you want to transform and take the steps for it.
If your partner is opposed then its hard on you but you already decided to transform.
Perhaps become jealous because you look good, because she was first in favour of it.
Keep talking and find out why she chanced her mind.
Venting is good to get your mind away of the problem and clear the air, long as its not one sided hate talk,in which case one of our excellent moderators will admonish you.
Good luck BlonT
Quote from: Amoré on January 02, 2016, 04:36:32 AM
I am heart broken again.
Amore, this relationship is destroying you. The sooner you realize this and stop trying to cling to it and start instead trying to heal, the sooner this misery will end.
You need to protect yourself from her, divest all dependence on her and think of her as an enemy, not a partner.
Sorry for being blunt, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't speak the truth.
Quote from: suzifrommd on January 02, 2016, 05:18:51 AM
Amore, this relationship is destroying you. The sooner you realize this and stop trying to cling to it and start instead trying to heal, the sooner this misery will end.
You need to protect yourself from her, divest all dependence on her and think of her as an enemy, not a partner.
Sorry for being blunt, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't speak the truth.
I realised making my heart open to this person she climbs in there with a sledge hammer and start doing her thing. I appreciate you honesty and she also keeps on telling me she must protect her and my child. I am not abusive I am carrying this person on my hands just to end up being unworthy of her in the end. I am an educated human I am studying computer science part time I realised for some reason trans people is very intelligent. I don't want to mention my IQ here but my EQ is screwed up. It is low so my IQ is rated as genius and EQ as dumb dumb it looks like. I just never learned to handle situations like this in my life and I don't want to be enemies with her because I love her so bitterly much.
Is she taking advantage of mu love I think so. I am sitting here and thinking if she don't care about me why must I really care about her anymore running begging giving her control over my life. I know this will hurt me and it will take a while to heal but I am considering filing for divorce. If I could I would have saved my marriage but when do you draw the line no matter how hard. I am at that point where I know divorcing her will absolutely destroy me but I will heal and I will hopefully walk out of this thing knowing that I did what I could. If I don't divorce I am afraid she is going to hold me in the clutches of her power trip or whatever she is gaining and drag me along. She wants to divorce but nothing is happening so is it up to me to say it is done.
I can be free then and I can be who I want to be. I will not get ripped of again by leaving hrt for a "marriage". I am giving her everything she wanted from me and now that she have it in front of her she still is screaming divorce. ???
It sounds like you've fallen in love with an imaginary person who's only ever existed in you mind. Would you really have fallen in love with this women as she's revealed herself to be? Is it her you love or the memory?
Children are a totally different matter. I was given some excellent advice by a therapist when I really needed it. I think its been said before, but the problems caused living like this, by not transitioning, can mean that its better for your children to break up. Its a hard truth, but sometime you just run out of good options and have to make the best of it.
Quote from: AnonyMs on January 02, 2016, 05:59:09 AM
It sounds like you've fallen in love with an imaginary person who's only ever existed in you mind. Would you really have fallen in love with this women as she's revealed herself to be? Is it her you love or the memory?
Children are a totally different matter. I was given some excellent advice by a therapist when I really needed it. I think its been said before, but the problems caused living like this, by not transitioning, can mean that its better for your children to break up. Its a hard truth, but sometime you just run out of good options and have to make the best of it.
I feel at this stage if I have fallen in love with an imaginary person. This person that she have become is not the woman I know. You are maybe right I love the memory the fun times being in love with her and remembering what it was like. The laughter my child being born. It is the memories that I am in love with and I am trying to see those things in the person that she had become I don't want to say any more bad things about her but this is not the woman I love I have hopes that she is somewhere in there.
I am running out of good options very fast I have been going round and round for 5 months now playing a game of cat and mouse and when I say I am done I am going to transition because she is also telling me what if Amoray returns am I going to want to be a woman again.I have been on and of hormones and been manipulated to go of them each time. I told her what do you mean with that? She turns around and plays another game to get me to leave it. The thing is I know I am transgender and I know what I want in which situation. If it was not that I was married I would have been a woman by now. That is the hard truth but having a family and being so bad at doing things for myself it makes it sort of difficult to say, O well nice knowing you enjoy your life hope you all of the best for you.
I just want to give her what she want and wanted it is a little late but she can't see that I had my own stuff to work through before I could be the best for them. Now I am sitting in a situation where she is treating me like a child and telling me she is going to go and drop me by my mother like some sort of child that I must get a fright and be look oops not my mommy. Just because I confronted her about taking me of the medical aid.
Looks like the only way is by jumping the ship and kick starting the process from my side even if it hurts like hell. Because this is emotional abuse. You don't play games like this! I would never done the same to her even after all the things that she does to me I still want to fix this thing and I don't even know why anymore.
I think you should consider what will happen to your child if you stay with her. You can't stop being transgender, and it doesn't sound like she's going to give it up either. At best you could live in peace and pretend for the sake of your child, but whats the chance of that?
Quote from: AnonyMs on January 02, 2016, 06:42:12 AM
I think you should consider what will happen to your child if you stay with her. You can't stop being transgender, and it doesn't sound like she's going to give it up either. At best you could live in peace and pretend for the sake of your child, but whats the chance of that?
You have a good point. My wife have got this new tendency if I tell her well I am staying a man she laughs it of very reassuring for me. I will tell her that I am managing my gd she is not even a trigger for gd to kick in really I am so used to her. Her dressing ways is so not my style. The problem is she looks if she is enjoying bashing me at this stage.
Then she is telling me well it takes time she can't just forget what I have done. Well she feels I betrayed her and lied to her because I did not tell her that I have gender dysphoria before we got married. We were married two years and then I told her. I did not concede to her demand when she asked me to stay a man I started transitioning. Only because she came out as bisexual and went to my psychiatrist and told her she is fine with living and being with a woman I can continue with the treatment. Now I am getting bashed and is my fault and only my fault. A month later and we were also trying for another child she had a change of heart and decided she can not be with a woman anymore.She wanted a divorce. I decided to commit suicide after this and drove my car into a wall. I survived and was put into rehab. There they try to force me to accept myself as transgender and I told them it is not accepting myself as transgender that is my problem I just want to fix my family. Well I went home had too sleep in another bed from then and she became distant and drove a wedge between us. Telling me I am not the man she married and she would never be able to look at me in the same way again.
My therapist told me I should continue my hormones I did try to continue them and tried very hard to move on and be myself forget about being married and saving it and trying to make her happy and all the usual therapist stuff. Well I decided I want to stop hormones and try and save it. We tried again after two weeks I sort of lost my mind dysphoria was banging at my front door and she went out the back. I was not planning on transitioning it was just the hormone imbalance was getting at me. When she walked out I started hormones again swore I wont stop this time and I got hope from don't know where that if I stay a man abide by every wish I could get her back. Why do we sometimes want to stay in a relationship like this. Am I denying myself who I truly am? Am I denying her happiness also?
Am I selfish for wanting to fix this marriage and trying to do it from only one side?
Quote from: suzifrommd on January 02, 2016, 05:18:51 AM
Amore, this relationship is destroying you. The sooner you realize this and stop trying to cling to it and start instead trying to heal, the sooner this misery will end.
You need to protect yourself from her, divest all dependence on her and think of her as an enemy, not a partner.
Sorry for being blunt, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't speak the truth.
I agree with Suzi - your wife is manipulating you to exact a penalty from you - and it's not going to get better. The relationship is entirely one-sided at this point with you doing all the giving and her doing all the taking. The relationship that you are remembering has passed, and a new one has taken it's place. She has shown that she will never, ever come around to seeing things your way.
The best thing you can do at this point is to take care of yourself - start looking toward the future and begin making plans to move yourself out of a broken, toxic relationship.
Continuing to invest in past memories is not going to yield better results at this point. Doing so will only lead to more disagreements and fighting and ugliness.
And like Suzi I hate to be blunt but I think that speaking the truth is very important now.
She has already divorced you in her mind. Taking you off the medical aid proves that. All you will do by staying is prolong your pain.
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I'd guess at this point you can't go without HRT in the long term. Its just a question of time and how much suffering you can take, and how much you want your family to share. You know it tends to get worse as you get older?
Personally I'd do anything for my children, I value them more than my life; but I eventually realized not transitioning at all isn't possible. I'm not capable of it. Its like having cancer and saying think happy thoughts to make it go away.
As my therapist pointed out, being mentally dysfunctional around your family is harming the children, being in a dysfunctional relationship is harming the children, dying is harming the children. By far the least harmful thing is either making up or separation.
If you're wife's not capable of making up then your options are limited. She's an adult and can make her choices, but you have a responsibility to your child.
Quote from: AnonyMs on January 02, 2016, 07:43:50 AM
I'd guess at this point you can't go without HRT in the long term. Its just a question of time and how much suffering you can take, and how much you want your family to share. You know it tends to get worse as you get older?
At this stage I can't go long without HRT! When the pressure is mounting up and she drops the bomb that breaks the little I can stay a man that I builded up it is as if my brain is defaulting to see you are not a man you can't even make this work or fix this. She don't want you because you are no man. It is playing this tricks on me.
So if she is telling me she is going to divorce me I am defaulting to becoming a woman and find freedom in that it will also make coming over this marriage a lot easier as she is not attracted to woman and this will sort of just let me drop all hope that if I stay a man I won't sit disappointed in the end of the day because I was not good enough for her.
A thing that really upsets me that she is saying I must fix myself for my next wife and before I get into a relationship. Who is she to judge when and what is fixed? Can I fix dysphoria nope, what must I fix if I have to fix something I will fix my body to match my brain and become a woman :-\ This is what I will fix for my next partner so that he/she loves me for who I am inside and out and see the real me. The only person in this world I am willing to stay a man for is her but I am seriously taking stock of this relationship and think there is maybe a better world out there for me as a woman and the real me.
To be really blunt, she's not worth the trouble anymore. She isn't forgiving you and without forgiveness no marriage will work.
In the past when my wife discovered my CD she reacted much the same as yours and said many of the same things. However, she got over it after a few days.
Your wife's anger is perhaps understandable but her inability to forgive is not. You can't live healthily with that and if she is unwilling to change I can't see that you have any option other than to remove yourself from her influence.
That hurts, but it will probably hurt a lot less in the long run than it will to stay as things are now. If you leave you can begin healing slowly. If you stay then the wound remains raw and open and never heals. She is the one that is forcing this choice so walk away without guilt and without a look back.
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Sounds like she is doing everything she can to get you to leave short of telling you to.
Quote from: Deborah on January 02, 2016, 08:28:22 AM
To be really blunt, she's not worth the trouble anymore. She isn't forgiving you and without forgiveness no marriage will work.
In the past when my wife discovered my CD she reacted much the same as yours and said many of the same things. However, she got over it after a few days.
Your wife's anger is perhaps understandable but her inability to forgive is not. You can't live healthily with that and if she is unwilling to change I can't see that you have any option other than to remove yourself from her influence.
That hurts, but it will probably hurt a lot less in the long run than it will to stay as things are now. If you leave you can begin healing slowly. If you stay then the wound remains raw and open and never heals. She is the one that is forcing this choice so walk away without guilt and without a look back.
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Thank you for the insight.The last part she is forcing this on me is actually true. I stood now before her wheeping while she is blaming me for everything that is wrong in her life. My business going bankrupt and all. I told her now at least I will walk away knowing and in peace that I at least knew I tried. She is making me feel guilty for the divorce blaming that she is divorcing me but how is it my fault actually? This is her choice not a forced choice she is forcing it on me but making me feel guilty and blaming me that I could have controlled it if I did not do the list of things she mentioned.
She has a inability to forgive what I can see. She is telling me she can't forget I told her that it is the past you don't forget you father if he dies because it hurts you because he is not with you anymore.
Well I have a partner that is not willing to negotiate anymore she is not capable of forgiving. She is emotionally abusing me. She is manipulating me also and I can't seem to get any traction. I just feel sorry for my child I feel like a failure towards her because I can't fix my marriage. My wife told me now I must go and fix myself for someone else I don't know what to fix except that I need a job hopefully one of my two jobs pull through this january and that I need to fix I don't really know what?
Then her newest bashing trick is she can't take it being with someone unhappy well and bashing me I must pull my face right well ummmm I am not really very happy at this stage
Quote from: Deborah on January 02, 2016, 07:37:40 AM
She has already divorced you in her mind. Taking you off the medical aid proves that. All you will do by staying is prolong your pain.
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I'd go one step further with this new escalation. Not just divorced, but is killing you off.
Surely she knows of the depression and your meds for them. To drop you from her insurance without any advance warning so you can make other arrangements to get them? Likely done during these past few months of turmoil when she decided to write off the marriage because "You aren't a
Real Man". Like a cat with a mouse she keeps on playing you, torturing you.
Now, like that cat, going in for the kill :o
Quote from: JoanneB on January 02, 2016, 09:20:50 AM
I'd go one step further with this new escalation. Not just divorced, but is killing you off.
Surely she knows of the depression and your meds for them. To drop you from her insurance without any advance warning so you can make other arrangements to get them? Likely done during these past few months of turmoil when she decided to write off the marriage because "You aren't a Real Man". Like a cat with a mouse she keeps on playing you, torturing you.
Now, like that cat, going in for the kill :o
If I tell her you are telling me I am not a "real man" then I must transition. She is coming with another story. I can feel the torturing getting to me now and I am on the verge of just collapsing and telling her kill me and get it done with.If I stay a man she is very happy with it but she still don't want me. I don't understand how she is saying she haven't got a choice.She is telling me the body can just take so much then it is starting to protect itself so she must divorce me. I sat and told her honey then I would have been a woman a long time ago! It is expected of me to be in control of my dysphoria stay a man and be happy. I have depression I have to control it but you say you can not control divorcing me what a load of crap
Maybe she wants that to collect your insurance. DO NOT GIVE HER THAT SATISFACTION.
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Quote from: Amoré on January 02, 2016, 09:24:18 AM
If I tell her you are telling me I am not a "real man" then I must transition. She is coming with another story. I can feel the torturing getting to me now and I am on the verge of just collapsing and telling her kill me and get it done with.
Having been there twice before with a heart shredded as if it was put into a food processor and crying gallons of tears and wishing to either be killed off to end the pain or never having been born because I am a destroyer of the lives of the people I love the most; I think it is a lot more like "You aren't a real man (and I don't give a rat's ass what you do or say from now on since I am outta here)" Some SO's eventually back into that position, others instantly go there. The deck is stacked against a relationship. I've seen it happen recently to support group members several times now these past six years.
There are no do-overs after dropping the T-Bomb. The T-Bomb becomes a nuclear explosion death zone when you mix it with Estrogen. "A Phase", perceptions, fears, and suspicions become cold hard realities. My wife, some 6 years later, still harbors feelings of betrayal from my coming out. For over 30 years she saw me as "Just a CD", as did myself (kinda). But the realities of me attending a TG Support group and getting therapy brought things to a whole new level. Especially when my group consisted of pretty much only transitioning MTF's.
Quote from: JoanneB on January 02, 2016, 09:49:13 AM
Having been there twice before with a heart shredded as if it was put into a food processor and crying gallons of tears and wishing to either be killed off to end the pain or never having been born because I am a destroyer of the lives of the people I love the most; I think it is a lot more like "You aren't a real man (and I don't give a rat's ass what you do or say from now on since I am outta here)" Some SO's eventually back into that position, others instantly go there. The deck is stacked against a relationship. I've seen it happen recently to support group members several times now these past six years.
There are no do-overs after dropping the T-Bomb. The T-Bomb becomes a nuclear explosion death zone when you mix it with Estrogen. "A Phase", perceptions, fears, and suspicions become cold hard realities. My wife, some 6 years later, still harbors feelings of betrayal from my coming out. For over 30 years she saw me as "Just a CD", as did myself (kinda). But the realities of me attending a TG Support group and getting therapy brought things to a whole new level. Especially when my group consisted of pretty much only transitioning MTF's.
Thank you Joanne I am sitting and thinking of trading this marriage for my happiness because it is not making me happy it is bringing me to tears each day. It brings up my depression so high that I cannot function. I realised there is no do overs once she got her perception it is hard to change I can be as manly as I want try and do the usual stuff I used to do and she always finds a way to break that down. I am sitting here sobbing again at this stage I don't know anymore I hope I will get to be happy again but I am so miserable really at this stage I can't explain it really.
I feel like tearing this male clothes that I have of my body put on my real clothes and go to her and ask her am I woman enough. Because if I am not worthy of being a man I am hopefully worthy enough to be a woman?
Do I trade in this stupid idea now of this marriage thing for waking up and living full time as me from tomorrow I know she does not like me as a woman and she does not want to me as a woman so if I become a woman I am showing her the finger. Plus she is jealous of me as a woman for some reason also. I always seen this as my way to move on if she divorce me one day well it is here and I don't know if I must take it or chuck it.
This is maybe something I can look at
"You can't get to that better place if you won't let go of where you are. I know it's scary. I know it may not be what you want. But, if you trust the Universe, and you dare to go where it takes you, you may just find that the life you have in the end exceeds your wildest dreams."
Many of the current events do justify you giving her the figurative finger. It, quite sadly, seems that no matter what you do, or how much you may grow and change as a person all the time presenting as male and venturing through the uncharted waters of managing your GD, she will not change how she sees you. Yes, there is always a chance she may change, but the odds do seem very much against it.
The sadness and especially what I call the Death Spiral of despair and depression often narrows your vision as well as clouding your mind. While I totally agree how sweet revenge can feel coupled with the euphoria of raising the flag of Amore', there are other factors to consider, such as your child's best interests and your 'exposure' in a legal sense. If the fighting now is so very upsetting to the kid, what will WWIII be like? You heard from others as well as me the long term effects that can have. Not to say everything will be rosey if you don't. Just that thumbing your nose to your wife will guarantee a war. A couple of visits to a child psychologist later and you'll likely never have visitation or custody rights. Going to war also makes you the clear No-GoodNick, being incorrigible, not wanting to work things out, and causing great emotional distress to your wife and child. What other choice did your wife have besides divorce and a restraining order? It does not sound to me like she is a 'No-Fault' divorce sort of woman. So where do you think you'll wind up in the blame game with 'At-Fault' = Pay Out Big $$$ ?
The schemer in me is saying right now you have a fair chance of making her the bad-guy. She obviously is going out of her way to aggravate you to the point of perhaps violence. Against her or even self-harm. Heck, even throwing a glass against a wall counts. Either way she wins. Then the depriving you of life saving anti-depressents! Sounds like lighting a fuse on a keg of gun powder to me. All while kicking a guy when he is down, as in out of work. (I am hoping a paper trail to show you are actively seeking employment). Many of her exploits you document here in real time. That all screams capital B I T C H. At least it's something. Perhaps even better if you file first since she is in effect trying to kill you by depriving you of the anti-depressents and/or getting you to check in to a hospital. In a divorce court, depending on where you live, you likely have 2 strikes against you coming to the plate just with her playing the 'Trans' card without any aggravating factors like starting a war at home
I can understand the concern. She is seeing us as seperated she told me I can do what I want she don't care but I am doing what I wanted by just trying to be me and be a good husband and then I get bashed for it.
So I just want to do the best to let go.
Can she use it against me in court if I start dressing and living full time from lets say tomorrow?
As it has been said before, see a lawyer. This is already way out of hand and the laws are different in different countries.
Sounds like she is trying to have you kill youself so she can collect off your death. Run fast to a divorce attorney before it's too late.
I haven't really got a clue what she is trying to achieve! :-\
I know I am sitting heart wrenched,broken,torn apart!
I already have health issues due to the abuse and tress and everything and what do she do dig the whole even further for me to fall in.
How can I still love this person am I this naive! I fear there is really no roads left it is easy to say move on but not really. :'( :'( :'(
I can't really can't keep my gd under bay if I am sitting with a divorce on hand it is looking to destroy me now and say you are getting divorced so transition and get it done with and never stop. This will make the divorce concrete for myself also because I know what the result of transition would have meant in the first place. :embarrassed:
I am so embarrassed because I am taking this thing so hard and I feel stupid for not walking out easy.
I can't really answer what I am looking for anymore in this relationship except being with my child. The past was amazing with my wife but it seems amazing is gone now. All that is left is this thing!
so if I get to the point of accepting this divorce thing and I am slowly getting ther because this is her choice. What would you advice for transitioning when do I start living as female or is it advisable to do it?
I can't change her mind I tried being good showing her the best sides of me tried being a prince I want to be a princess now!
I would get a lawyer first before deciding anything. I don't know your laws there. Maybe waiting until the divorce is final and custody issues are settled would work out better for you. If you transitioned now and went to court in a custody hearing would that harm your case? Only a lawyer in your country can tell you that.
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Quote from: Amoré on January 02, 2016, 04:36:32 AM
I went to get my antidepressants this morning and found out my wife took me of her medical aid. How can you be so spitefull and heartless is a couple of bucks in your pocket worth more than someones life? >:(
I am so hurt by this.
I stood standing in a queue and the woman tells me sorry you haven't got medical aid you have to pay cash for your pills. This is my antidepressants for god sake!!!!! I need them!!!!!
I can't believe what this relationship has come too that someone can stoop so low this is beyond low in my eyes. I stood there shocked and did not know what to say.
I confronted her and she sayd I am not her responsibility anymore I must start looking after myself but I am unemployed. I told her now I am so fed up with her ->-bleeped-<- because she is creating unnecessary drama and fights with her spitefull behaviour and emotional abusive crap.
I wish I can just rip my heart out so that I feel nothing no more for her!
She is telling me when she did not want me to become a woman I became one well I started hormones. She actually backed me in it and is denying everything now. Now that I want to stay I man I must go <not allowed> myself she told me.
I just want to rip my own heart out so I just don't feel anything when I started crying she told me how weak I am and that I must go and piss at another place the same old story.
I told her here I am standing I am giving everything I am trying I am trying my best and what do I get a <not allowed> you. She said she can see that I am trying but I am not going to fix it in two days well we are at 3 weeks actually.
I am heart broken again. She acused me of in a couple of months I am going to lose control and the female in me is going to take over. I asked her so you are sying I must transition she told me now I must not I told her but you are telling me I am skrewed now you want to tell me I am going to lose to her and then when I tell you well then I will transition you tell me it is wrong!
I am just venting I don't know where else to speak
Hi Amore
She can't take you off as you are still legally married. If you took that to a judge they would scream at her and make her pay you back and pay for your health problems. that is very spiteful and the judges hate that. thing like that can put her in jail. I'm sorry I have to say this but, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!!! NOW!
I'm here If you want to talk Just PM me so it isn't out public
Love
Lyndsey
Amoré is in South Africa (per her profile.) US law does not apply.
1. Amoré: you need to contact a local matrimonial lawyer immediately, if not sooner. Most of the issues you are discussing, except for your wife's apparent hatred for you, are things that an attorney can deal with.
2. As someone who has gone through divorce with a less than civil spouse, it is absolutely essential that you approach this as unemotionally and realistically as possible. Vent with your friends as necessary, but you need to put aside your feelings of betrayal and make your decisions with a clear head and a realistic appraisal of what is possible and what is not. Yes she is being a jerk, and yes, it sucks. There's nothing you can do about that. You need to focus on what you have control over. An attorney can tell you that.
3. I did find a website that describes family law in South Africa: http://www.divorcelaws.co.za/ (http://www.divorcelaws.co.za/). From what I've read, it is possible that Amoré's wife would be obligated to provide for her health care, presumably at least for anti-depressants, maybe for HRT, too, given that Amoré is unemployed and unable to pay for it herself. But I am not a lawyer, least of all a South African one. Local, competent legal advice is an absolute necessity.
3. It looks like SA has some variety of uncontested divorce, but given Amoré's wife's antipathy, this doesn't sound like a good idea for Amoré, even if her wife would agree to it. There's division of property and spousal support; again, under the circumstances, Amoré needs competent legal representation if she doesn't want to get screwed over.
4. Amoré: you need to contact a local matrimonial lawyer immediately, if not sooner.
Quote from: Amoré on January 02, 2016, 03:03:21 PM
How can I still love this person am I this naive! I fear there is really no roads left it is easy to say move on but not really. :'( :'( :'(
Which is a big part of how emotional abuse is so successful. It is just how a lot people are wired, and somewhat easily able to be taken advantage of
[/quote]
QuoteI am so embarrassed because I am taking this thing so hard and I feel stupid for not walking out easy.
See Above. Add to that "Love is Blind". We all hate to see the
Evil side of those we love. Simply cannot believe, much less see, that it is there.
QuoteI can't really answer what I am looking for anymore in this relationship except being with my child. The past was amazing with my wife but it seems amazing is gone now. All that is left is this thing!
So Best protect yourself. Be Pro-Active rather then Re-Active. See a lawyer. Don't play the game she is, take the high road. Keep your eye on the prize(s); #1 your child, #2 Yourself (Which SHOULD be #1 but I know better being there myself).
Hi Amore
Please don't do anything stupid as I don't want to see you loose your children or life as over being called insane try to be strong a hard as it may be.
Lyndsey
Hey guys, no I won't do anything stupid because I am being watched like a hawk. :o
It is like she is trying to push me over the edge to get me into a mental institution. She keeps on bringing up my suicide that I tried she said I tried to blackmail her. She also is going to use this to show that I am unstable because I asked for 50/50 custody.
I will agree having depression and dysporia is not looking good for me in custody.
Maybe I am desperate saving this marriage because of my child not really having a part in raising her as my wife only wants me to see her every second weekend. At the end of the day staying with a person that is wripping your heart to pieces is toxic for me and my child. At this stage I feel like love is a battle field.
The problem is she want to settle it in a decent way but it looks like her decent way is going to be getting her way. I got up this morning and I felt like I just want to get out I am tired I don't want to die I just want to end this thing that I am chasing that is not real or reality anymore.Doing something stupid again is not going to solve my problem I will agree! Giving her that plesure to stand on my grave nooo. I want to let her see the real me the person she tried to crush and destroy because she could not make piece with me as I am.I won't give her that joy also my transition is not to spite her it I doing what I wanted to do in the first place. I must just carry it through.
The thing is I don't want to blame her for everyting I have part in it too she did not want me to be a woman and I shattered her world. But I came to realize that this woman that showed her face is not a sweet caring person I knew or thought she was. I don't know if she changed because of the child or maybe with age. It does not mean she is a bad parent she is a good caretaker. But unfortunately not a good wife anymore.
The strange thing is that she fell in love with my female attributes and once she knew where they came from I am seen as weak,pathetic and I convinced myself I am a woman. Well today I am giving up I am accepting "I AM GETTING DIVORCED " it helps sying it. I will try not wondering too much on it today and try to focus on myself. The person I want to become the result of all this pain. I know the road I am going to take won't be easy but hopefully the reward will be worth it in the end.
It is time to dig my heels in and put myself first.Look after myself no matter how tuff.
Quote from: JoanneB on January 02, 2016, 09:20:50 AM
I'd go one step further with this new escalation. Not just divorced, but is killing you off.
Surely she knows of the depression and your meds for them. To drop you from her insurance without any advance warning so you can make other arrangements to get them? Likely done during these past few months of turmoil when she decided to write off the marriage because "You aren't a Real Man". Like a cat with a mouse she keeps on playing you, torturing you.
Now, like that cat, going in for the kill :o
Amoray - we do not want to lose you! This is life- threatening when you start losing access to medication you really need. I'm thinking and praying for you to find the help you need to heal your body and your mind. You need to be separated from this kind of (very dangerous) abuse!
xoxo
Denali
Quote from: DenaliBe on January 03, 2016, 01:21:15 AM
Amoray - we do not want to lose you! This is life- threatening when you start losing access to medication you really need. I'm thinking and praying for you to find the help you need to heal your body and your mind. You need to be separated from this kind of (very dangerous) abuse!
xoxo
Denali
Thanks Denali
I don't feel suicidal at all I feel like I want to be in her face as the woman I was meant to be all my life! I know it sounds spiteful but she can't see me as man enough. I am being punished for what I did wrong by choosing to "trick" her into marrying me. Then for not listening to her request when she wanted me to stay a man. At this stage I am like stay a man ,what man there is not anymore man left you destroyed him. All that is left in me is a longing to be me. The way I see myself and be free.Then she expects of me to be a father for my child and a husband for your next wife I must fix yourself for them. ??? ??? ??? Okay I am not worthy and manly enough for you I had so bad depression this past year that I could not function day to day in even the most mundane of tasks because of all the bashing I had to endure because I was trans and she could not come to terms with it. Then you want to turn around and tell me depression is nothing it is easy to deal with I just think positive thoughts then I feel better. Really?
Have she been listening to anything my psychiatrist told her about depression?
What I can see there is signs of bipolar disorder also.Her mother has bipolar disorder. Severe mood changes is a part of daily life. She can be screaming at me now and turn around and laugh with someone else. ??? ??? Screaming at me turn around and pretend if nothing happened. ??? ??? ???
Strange impulsive behaviours like cancelling my medical aid. I must just be thinking out an excuse to look past the catastrophic B I ended up with. The person that always told me you work on a marriage you don't just divorce you are my one and only.
Telling my psychiatrist I am the one for her it is only wrapping paper it does not define the person I am. She loves me no matter what. She promised never to leave me. Really and she feel betrayed. I told her I have gender dysphoria not that I want to divorce her!
Somewhere in there I hoped the person that I loved was just being suppressed and that anger and hurt was hiding her. I think she was the one all along pretending to be someone she is not. She told me yesterday when you love someone you try to look past their faults. Because I asked her why did she not come up with all this stuff that she hates about me before we got married. Why if she was not happy with my faults did she marry me.
I felt like I was some sort of trophy horse to her that she could run around with and brag O my husband does this he has this if I clap my fingers he does it he is such a good pet. When I rebelled and wanted to do something for myself I felt like I had to get her permission. It is true she did not see me as a person but as an extension of her. I did not have my own rights my own will. I was formed in the image that she wanted me to be.
Well people you all gave such good advice and it time to take a leap of faith I can't say if it is the best for me or the worst but it sure hurts like hell inside my heart at this moment.
I am getting divorced and this is final. This is unfortunately my reality not what I wanted. Life often take us places we don't want to go. It will drag you there kicking and screaming if it have to. I am one of those people just like all of you here a good person "I hope" that is a product of the harshness of life. Getting divorce sucks but denying reality does not help. Denying it is increasing my pain wanting to stay a man and hoping she will come around is only hurting myself. I am like hell right if that is ever going to happen.
I understand that admitting I am getting divorced is not going to heal me or take away the pain. It just lets me start doing what I need to do with dealing with my divorce. I understand now that I cant stop it if she want to divorce she wants to even if she was playing the bluff in the beginning and has still not came around to it all her actions are showing otherwise. She already divorced me in her mind it is only the piece of paper that means nothing really. It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what I think is "right" or "wrong." It doesn't matter if I am willing to forgive and forget for the sake of staying married. If my spouse wants out, I am done.
So until I can't start dealing with my pain I won't get past it and start healing.ou can't force someone to love you. You can't force someone to want to be married to you.
It takes two people to make a marriage, but only one to get divorced.
It does not really matter what I do or don't if she already decided by heart she wants to divorce and she is not willing to do anything to try and make it work then I am out of luck.
So I am agreed to getting divorced and I hope you guys can assist me in some way to let go. I hope she finds peace, love grace and happiness in her life. I really don't know what more to say I will always love her.
If I don't let go now my whole life would just stand still repeating this pattern of denial, depression and the only person I am cheating is myself not her she wants out. I am cheating and denying myself life, new love, happiness , becoming my true self, I am denying myself treatment for my gd. I am denying her freedom and what she wants also. I hope she will be happy now. :'( I hope she stops playing with my heart and just get divorced and get it over and done with. Life needs to go on.
"Letting Go" will be very difficult. You had hope, you still have love. You'll likely have many doubts as days turn into weeks as the concept of divorcing becomes real. Your resolve may weaken as the machine starts up and hopefully most key parts aren't chewed up by the gears.
Be firm in your belief that YOU and YOU ALONE did all you can, all that you are capable of today tried. Be firm in your belief that you are doing what is best for your child, your wife and for yourself. Be firm in knowing you made your decision based on love and before it soured, turning to hate.
There will be dark days ahead. Perhaps even dark and sad memories decades from now. You two have had many years together, not easily forgotten. And... there will always be the "If Only I...." thoughts to haunt you. Try to take solace, as I often try to, in knowing that you did the best you were capable of at that time in your life. It helps as the tears try to well up :'(
Quote from: JoanneB on January 03, 2016, 12:21:37 PM
"Letting Go" will be very difficult. You had hope, you still have love. You'll likely have many doubts as days turn into weeks as the concept of divorcing becomes real. Your resolve may weaken as the machine starts up and hopefully most key parts aren't chewed up by the gears.
Be firm in your belief that YOU and YOU ALONE did all you can, all that you are capable of today tried. Be firm in your belief that you are doing what is best for your child, your wife and for yourself. Be firm in knowing you made your decision based on love and before it soured, turning to hate.
There will be dark days ahead. Perhaps even dark and sad memories decades from now. You two have had many years together, not easily forgotten. And... there will always be the "If Only I...." thoughts to haunt you. Try to take solace, as I often try to, in knowing that you did the best you were capable of at that time in your life. It helps as the tears try to well up :'(
Thank you Joanne your words speak straight to my heart.
The decision is based on love as I started to see hate for her in me after that she took me of her medical aid. I am still very hurt by this heartless move of hers. I started hating her for her selfish ways. I started wondering an doubting myself because I am not a drunk an abuser or anything of that sort I am just a person that has dysphoria.
I looked after her and we had everything but I was not enough for her. I will always have the what if moments and she is planting them in my head with you had a chance you screwed it up and stuff.
I don't know how you give someone a chance but you don't give them some rope at least. I had gd moments in the period. I just went of hormone and after two weeks it was hell in my head. I called my endo he said it will level out but I was battling with the imbalance. I got blamed because I could not control it always. I was still forced to sleep in another bed while we were trying also. For me to try is we put your crap to a side and we try to continue were it was with a agreement to get each other in the middle so that both of us are happy. It was a resepy for disaster I could not make her love me again. I could see there is nothing.
She decided to call it after an argument about something stupid.
Amore, I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is painful being in the situation you are in and painful to take action to divorce. Is there any way you can get the medication you need to ease your GD and depression?
I am in the process of divorce. I think what was a big part of my pain is that I had a lot of good times with my wife. We share a daughter and have raised her together. I was living in the good times of the past and not seeing the reality in front of me. The reality is I grew in a different direction than my wife. When I accepted I am transsexual and started to express full time and use my preferred name and come out fully at work and be myself at work it felt very good but to my wife I had crossed the line. It took a while to accept it is over but it is. Life will deal me a new hand.
I wish you luck and happiness with your new life and transition,
Rachel
Amore, there are a lot of people here that care very deeply about you. But at some point you have to overcome whatever is paralyzing you from taking action, step up and take care of yourself. I saw your statement about your IQ earlier. I have no doubt that you are highly intelligent.
Now it is time to use some of that intelligence and properly take care of yourself. Your wife has cut off your medical subsidies under her health insurance, and you have to deal with this now.
Like it or not, it is time to do whatever you have to do to apply for government support, for housing, for food, and for medical care. Regardless of whether that means filling out papers in a government office and/or standing in line, or it all can be done online, you need to do it.
Once you get that all set up, then it is time to find housing away from your wife. After that is all situated, then time to find some paying work.
With your wife cutting off the insurance, stuff just got serious. So as we say in America, "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it."
Hi Amore
I was thinking a lot about your situation today. You need to stay strong and I know that you can do that. Your daughter is the one you want to protect besides yourself. The hell with you wife as soon she will not be part of your life except for the time you pick up your daughter and drop her off. Don't let her see your weak side as you have already been beat up enough by her. She will be trying to get all kinds of things against you now so be a good girl and don't argue with her. Walk away and let her rant on. Don't make any crazy remarks as she will try to use that against you too.
I know how much you must hurt inside but try to move on.
Big Hug's
Lyndsey
I left the Mormon Church about 3.5 years ago. My hardcore Mormon family seems unable to accept the new me and passive aggressively treats me like dirt. I don't talk to them much anymore. You're not stupid, as you wrote about in an earlier post. People you love driving you away sucks. It's hard, but you can do this.
Oky this is quite funny I went through my bag of clothes I put away and saw that she took much more than I thought.
She took my underwear ??? You are uncomfortable around me you are making my life hell you are blaming me for everything that is wrong at this stage. You have a big problem with me being transgender can't accept yourself being with a transgendered person the rest of your life. Then you wear my underwear.
I went and I checked the laundry and my suspicion was correct. There they where. I am so confused why would she do that how can she do that.
If I am breaking up with someone because they are trans and I can't stand them want them out of my life would I wear their underware that is covering my intimate parts.
This feels wrong on so many levels to me!
Quote from: CarlyMcx on January 03, 2016, 05:31:20 PM
Amore, there are a lot of people here that care very deeply about you. But at some point you have to overcome whatever is paralyzing you from taking action, step up and take care of yourself. I saw your statement about your IQ earlier. I have no doubt that you are highly intelligent.
Now it is time to use some of that intelligence and properly take care of yourself. Your wife has cut off your medical subsidies under her health insurance, and you have to deal with this now.
Like it or not, it is time to do whatever you have to do to apply for government support, for housing, for food, and for medical care. Regardless of whether that means filling out papers in a government office and/or standing in line, or it all can be done online, you need to do it.
Once you get that all set up, then it is time to find housing away from your wife. After that is all situated, then time to find some paying work.
With your wife cutting off the insurance, stuff just got serious. So as we say in America, "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it."
Hi carly I got up this morning and was like yeah I got this I found my underwear suprise and it is like okay cool I will discuss it with my therapist.
Unfortunatly the goverment health care in SA is one of the worst in the world! I will hopefully get work this month and go on my own medical aid.
Her behavior is seriously letting me question her mental health and ?stability myself. Her mother is bipolar and it runs in her family. She showed symptoms in the past before I came out of strange behavior but nothing to serious. I have depression and I gan get stuck in n rut.
The funny thing about this is if you see us as seperated you strip away my medical,you emotionally abuse me tell me how crap I am. Then you turn around want me to do things for you like fix this in our other hous do this look after the kid while I do this get that.
Isn't seperated and getting divorced meaning you start living on your own? She does not want me but the thing is I think I did not give her time to miss me and really have live without me.
It may seem as a relief in her head if I am gone she pushed me over the edge two times trying to take my own life. Being seperated is learning to cope without the other person. You are seperated because you don't want to be with that person anymore and don't want to have a relationship with that person. Then that means you must get by in life without that person.
Exactly, you need to set your boundaries she is basically telling you that she doesn't have to be with you in an effort to hurt you but in the other hand tell you she still controls you. Tell her firmly, "you are the one that wanted divorce, now that we are separated and you have removed me from your medical aid because I am not your responsibility, you too need to get used to the fact that you are no longer my responsibility and can no longer demand things of me so get used to doing it on your own" and take some power back, follow it up with "when you start treating me nice and doing nice things for me, then and only then will I start helping you with things again"
We have actually had to adapt this mirror image parenting style for one of our teenagers who is very selfish. You really are not dealing with anything more than a over grown child and you must treat her as such or those childish ways will control you.
If she is bipolar that changes things a bit. Her attitude and treatment of you are horrible but if bipolar disorder is there then her emotions may be beyond her control. Has she seen a Dr. about it?
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Quote from: Deborah on January 04, 2016, 11:31:40 AM
If she is bipolar that changes things a bit. Her attitude and treatment of you are horrible but if bipolar disorder is there then her emotions may be beyond her control. Has she seen a Dr. about it?
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Hi Amore
Deborah is so right about her seeing a Dr. that can be a huge problem. I have a sister that is bipolar and I stay away from her as she can get violent in a minute. >:-) She will bash me big time and then 15 minutes later start crying and wondering what is wrong with me :angel:. I avoid public places with her. Bipolar is a very bad thing if it is not controlled.
Hug's
Lyndsey
Hi Amore
I can see the stress in your last picture that you have put up. I feel so bad for you as I know this whole thing is ripping you apart inside and out. You need to start thinking about yourself as stress can be very hard on your health. You really need to get out of there for your sanity. Remember you are the one that has to be strong and by you being strong it will show in how your daughter will react with you. If you show stress around her she will feel that too. But if you can show her that you can be happy and stress free she will feel that and want to be with you and be happy.You will sleep better knowing that you won't get bashed when you wake up.
Hug's
Lyndsey
Hi Lyndsey
Yes the stress is getting to me badly I am struggling to sleep and have bad dreams. I get dreams about my wife almost every night I can't imagine being divorced and dreaming about someone that can't be with but desperately want to actually. In the morning when I wake up she is the first thing on my mind. I was really willing to give up everything for her. But where this thing is going is not really attractive anymore. I told her today that the storm is over I am not going to fight divorce anymore I will sign an agreement and move out when I get a job and earn an income again. I am financial dependent on her for now. I don't know if my whole view of this thing will change if I get financial independent again. I think if I was I would have moved out long time ago.
The only win I have is not having to think or ask for permission for anything I can buy what I want too when I want too. Drive the car I want too I so want a bmw z4 cabrio. I can focus on my studies and on myself. I need time to heal and find myself. It is hard to go but the benefits is outweighing the the problems and hurt of divorce at this stage.
Bottom line of divorce is someone thinks they are going to be happier outside the marriage than in it. This is her. If I have to take my marriage and it's state now into consideration I will agree I can see benefit in divorce.
I was happy in my marriage and in love it was wonderful but the thing it became and what reality is now is far from what it was it is total compliments. It is something I don't find attractive and I am sitting with a partner that is not particular attractive at this stage. What is attractive is the memories dreams and hopes that I had.
So I am trying to keep myself from falling back on what was and focus on the current and future. The reality is the current and the future will sadly not be the past. Our views of each other shifted.
She don't want to settle for a new dynamic in the marriage she don't even want to try anymore. So what can I really do accept that she wants this respect her feelings assist her in divorce and let her go.
I don't lose completely in the end of the day.
Quote from: Amoré on January 04, 2016, 12:17:19 PM
Hi Lyndsey
Yes the stress is getting to me badly I am struggling to sleep and have bad dreams. I get dreams about my wife almost every night I can't imagine being divorced and dreaming about someone that can't be with but desperately want to actually. In the morning when I wake up she is the first thing on my mind. I was really willing to give up everything for her. But where this thing is going is not really attractive anymore. I told her today that the storm is over I am not going to fight divorce anymore I will sign an agreement and move out when I get a job and earn an income again. I am financial dependent on her for now. I don't know if my whole view of this thing will change if I get financial independent again. I think if I was I would have moved out long time ago.
The only win I have is not having to think or ask for permission for anything I can buy what I want too when I want too. Drive the car I want too I so want a bmw z4 cabrio. I can focus on my studies and on myself. I need time to heal and find myself. It is hard to go but the benefits is outweighing the the problems and hurt of divorce at this stage.
Bottom line of divorce is someone thinks they are going to be happier outside the marriage than in it. This is her. If I have to take my marriage and it's state now into consideration I will agree I can see benefit in divorce.
I was happy in my marriage and in love it was wonderful but the thing it became and what reality is now is far from what it was it is total compliments. It is something I don't find attractive and I am sitting with a partner that is not particular attractive at this stage. What is attractive is the memories dreams and hopes that I had.
So I am trying to keep myself from falling back on what was and focus on the current and future. The reality is the current and the future will sadly not be the past. Our views of each other shifted.
She don't want to settle for a new dynamic in the marriage she don't even want to try anymore. So what can I really do accept that she wants this respect her feelings assist her in divorce and let her go.
I don't lose completely in the end of the day.
Hi Sweetie
As I have said there is not a good thing about any Divorce But you will get your freedom back.
I would never get married again as I tell people I'm Allergic to Wedding Cake! LOL
Love
Lyndsey
I hope you do find work in the next month. Hearing that you might made me very happy. :icon_joy: You really need to get away from your wife to deal with your transition -- or decide in a calmer environment whether you really want to trade your gender for her companionship.
My ex wife kept coming back into my life and trying to take things (cars, furniture, etc.) after she cheated on me and left me for the other guy, even though she already had much better stuff than I did, and did not need any of what she was trying to take. She was, figuratively speaking, trying to stomp me into the ground, and she seemed to enjoy doing it. It sounds like your wife is like that. You really need to get away from her.
But if you do, I am worried that your wife will beg you to come back, be the man for her, etc. So be careful what you wish for. For that matter, be careful, period.