Hello,
I'm kinda at a loss for this stuff, this is all "new" to me, so bear with me. I've known I've been trans(put a name to my feelings) for about 3-4 years, and in the past few weeks it's become simply impossible to hold back. I've never been to therapy(though I plan to start ASAP). I'm 31, and a professional(trial attorney). I have some idiot questions/thoughts to get out of the way:
1. I guess what bothers me the most is that over the past 2-3 weeks I've been scouring the internet for everything on the topic, and everybody is toeing the same party line - that a) if you think you're trans, you're trans, and b) that if you are trans, the only way to deal with it is to transition.
and on part b) every part of my brain rebels at the idea that there is only one solution to the issue. There HAS to be some other possibility out there. Surely something in that was acting on my brain to make me feel better, even if not 100% better? For those doctors and therapists heavily involved in this community, it's a HUGE amount of money for a small pond, I'm especially worried that the fact that the only one solution is a product of these financial incentives.
2. How is everybody so sure it's not a possible explanation? I definitely fit the profile, I'm again, 31, attracted to women, and when I dress up like a girl It pretty often turns me on, at least in the beginning before I feel so sick to my stomach...then just keep on wearing it...I'm worried that this community is being a victim of its own confirmation bias. Why can't it just be some sort of fetish? I've got no problem with it being a fetish...even if I started dressing like this before I even had my first erection or even knew what attraction was...UGH NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY (not allowed) SENSE.
3. And going off that second point a bit, doesn't the fact that I feel really disgusting when I dress up kind of contradict my self-diagnosis of trans? Like, that some part of me knows it's not right, even though I keep doing it?
4. Off the personal stuff - is anybody here also a professional? I'm terrified at the idea of transitioning while working. I have to deal with juries, guys and gals. The average american isn't exactly tolerant of transgendered people. I'm scared that if I transition I'll have to change careers and go to med school or something like that where I won't have as hard a time at work. If I'm dealing with the general public en masse as I do, I'd need to pass perfectly, and being a really bald 31 year old is going to make that nearly impossible, at best a roll of the dice.
5. Is it normal to feel really really weird about this? Like, I've been talking to one of my best friends about it, and he's been playing with pronouns a little bit, and it feels SO WEIRD when he calls me a 'she'. Like, I like it, but I also don't because I just feels like that shouldn't apply to an obvious dude with a ridiculously hairy chest, and again, bald. It makes me feel really disgusted with myself, like I feel like he's lying to me or something to make me feel better. And when I think bout HRT/SRS...I mean, I've never been especially attached to Mr. Winky and his two friends, but come on within the first 3-6 months of HRT I'd be chemically castrating myself! Kind of a big deal. Not to mention SRS and actually going the whole way...
6.
I mean, there's so much more that's running through my head, but those I guess are my biggest concerns. This is all just so new(I mean, not really, but you know) and weird and I'm at a (not allowed) loss. I do want to thank everybody for sharing their experiences all over though, it really was something I needed to read, even if I'm hoping SO MUCH that this is all just some bad dream or I'm just psyching myself out or something. Knowledge is power and you're all wonderful.
- Dawn(weird typing that out with my hairy arms)
Mod Edit - no I'm anything other trans, no Illegal acts (drugs), no ->-bleeped-<-, no self medicating talk and no foul language please TOS 5, 8, 9 ,10, and 11
Hey, welcome to the forum. I have time to answer part of that and then I need to leave work for home. If nobody else jumps in with the rest I'll try to later.
To an extent it is self diagnosed. But you're right that there could be other mental health conditions that could lead you into a false conclusion. That's one reason it's wise to seek out an experienced gender therapist and talk to them. One of the first things they do, after a little small talk, is try to eliminate all the other things you mention. When I went to my first appointment a little over a year ago that was the first thing I asked him to do; be certain that I'm not just insane or delusional.
Looking at the clock it's time for me to pack up my desk. I hope that helped a little bit.
Sapere Aude
Hi Dawn and welcome to Susan's. I know it can be overwhelming and frustrating as we try to come to terms and grasp everything. A therapist can help you sort through this. This is a peer to peer support site so it is possible professionals are here, but at large it is just your peers supporting you. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
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Whoa that's a lot of TOS issues, sorry bout that.
Hi, welcome to the forum. Yes, it can feel weird to feel/know you are transgender - we live in a society that is so hostile and toxic towards transgender people that the very thought that we might ourselves be trans can be deeply unsettling because the negativity has been ingrained since birth. A lot of trans people struggle with internalised transphobia and it can really lead to them hating themselves, questioning their "motives" and finding any and all reasons to avoid admitting they are trans. Being trans doesn't mean you have to transition to your identified gender - it doesn't have to mean surgery, hormones, cross dressing or anything. But if the feeling that you are the wrong gender is persistent and makes you feel confused, angry, depressed and/or lost, then rather than trying to over think or rationalise the matter you'd do better instead to at least have a chat with a therapist to sort out those feelings and what, if anything, you want to do about them.
Dawn, no worries. It happens. You are trying to figure yourself out and understand things and it is understandable. You will get the hang of things eventually. Always feel free to ask questions. If your not sure if it breaks TOS. then don't be afraid to ask us so we can help you know for sure if something will or won't go against the rules. Hugs
Mariah
Question #2 is on a subject banned here mainly because it's a theory that is discredited by most professionals in this field. However, it's on the Internet so it always raises questions in people's minds as they try to figure it out. I'm going to paste a response to a similar question from a few weeks ago. (I'm not a psychologist and this is only my opinion)
"I just want to add that I understand your discomfort and confusion over the sexual feelings. I had the same confusion. If you are trans those feelings are there because of the testosterone in your system. That's what testosterone does. It causes anyone to become aroused and focused on sex. If you do HRT the testosterone will be reduced and the sexual feelings will be gone, or at least greatly reduced. At that point if the trans feelings remain and you are not bothered by the loss of the sexual feelings you will be able to answer to yourself what you are."
Sapere Aude
As for dealing with being trans if you are trans there is not only one solution.
First, you could just do nothing and hope for the best. This generally involves coping strategies that keep the mind and body continually busy and occupied with other things. Most here, including me, will tell you that eventually that won't work anymore. It often spirals down into a deep well of despondency which basically just makes living suck.
Second, you could take various combinations of HRT under a Dr's supervision and not fully transition, or at least not right away. That's where I'm presently at. For many this does ease or solve the mental conflict. It also can alter your appearance which may or may not cause you other problems if you are trying to maintain a male image.
Third, you could fully transition.
And fourth, there are probably other things you could try that I haven't thought of.
Sapere Aude
Thank you all so much for the support, I feel like I'm losing my mind and you're all so nice.
Welcome to Susan's Place. Normally I would write a post targeting your post but I am aware of the edits that took place so I am sending my remarks by PM. Feel free to comment on this thread and I will see any questions you have and respond to them if possible.
And about the question of being a professional. I'm not a lawyer but am a professional in another field. I'm still coming to terms with the same issues you are so I can't really help there. However, there are professionals on this forum who have fully transitioned on the job without any negative consequences. I believe that at least one is a lawyer.
Sapere Aude
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 05:00:37 PM
Thank you all so much for the support, I feel like I'm losing my mind and you're all so nice.
You aren't losing your mind, your just starting to find it. I am not sure how long you have been feeling it but you mind will have a hard time stopping for a month or more while you become used to the thoughts that are going through it. This is normal and it will pass. I spend several weeks getting two hours of sleep a night before my mind returned to the new normal.
Hi Dawn,
It's all very confusing, isn't it sweetie? I think much of the points you have raised have been at least touched, but I wanted to add my own comments.
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 03:17:04 PM
if you think you're trans, you're trans, and b) that if you are trans, the only way to deal with it is to transition.
I don't think either of those conclusions should be taken for granted. Transgender is an umbrella term, and can simply mean you question the simple gender-binary norm of society, or that certain expressions of your sexuality are confusing to you. It certainly doesn't imply you are a transsexual or have to transition socially.
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 03:17:04 PM
There HAS to be some other possibility out there. Surely something in that was acting on my brain to make me feel better, even if not 100% better?
There may well be. This is for you and a therapist to explore together, so that you may deal with it more constructively. Nothing is a foregone conclusion.
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 03:17:04 PM
2. How is everybody so sure it's not a possible explanation? I definitely fit the profile, I'm again, 31, attracted to women, and when I dress up like a girl It pretty often turns me on, at least in the beginning before I feel so sick to my stomach...then just keep on wearing it...I'm worried that this community is being a victim of its own confirmation bias. Why can't it just be some sort of fetish? I've got no problem with it being a fetish...even if I started dressing like this before I even had my first erection or even knew what attraction was...UGH NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY (not allowed) SENSE.
3. And going off that second point a bit, doesn't the fact that I feel really disgusting when I dress up kind of contradict my self-diagnosis of trans? Like, that some part of me knows it's not right, even though I keep doing it?
I know what you are referring to, and I agree it just makes things more confusing. I crossdressed for years, ever since I was a child. It was tremendously satisfying. I felt such
relief. I also found it sexually arousing. However, as I got older, any feeling of relief was offset by the disgust and self-loathing I would feel afterward. I went for months, even years, suppressing the feeling. I got married, I had children, I did everything a guy was supposed do, but the desire to be female never left. For me, it was not the clothes that were exciting, but the feeling of fulfillment.
One of the biggest conformations for me that I was trans was after starting hormone therapy. My sex drive became non-existent, but my desire to be female never stopped. Ironically I feel so much more complete, and at ease with myself I wondered if I should continue my transition. But when I imagine stopping I am filled with a feeling of despair.
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 03:17:04 PM
4. Off the personal stuff - is anybody here also a professional? I'm terrified at the idea of transitioning while working. I have to deal with juries, guys and gals. The average american isn't exactly tolerant of transgendered people. I'm scared that if I transition I'll have to change careers and go to med school or something like that where I won't have as hard a time at work. If I'm dealing with the general public en masse as I do, I'd need to pass perfectly, and being a really bald 31 year old is going to make that nearly impossible, at best a roll of the dice.
There are many other professionals on this site. I have a PhD in chemistry, and work as a scientist in the defense industry. Your concerns are not unique, and they are not insignificant. My biggest fear, aside from alienating my children, is coming out at work. However, if I were you, I would be more inventive than simply saying "I need a new career". Maybe you don't have to be a trial lawyer to practice law. As you well know, there are many fields of law where one never has to deal with the public.
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 03:17:04 PM
5. Is it normal to feel really really weird about this?
Lol! Yes it is, dear.
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 03:17:04 PM
Like, I've been talking to one of my best friends about it, and he's been playing with pronouns a little bit, and it feels SO WEIRD when he calls me a 'she'. Like, I like it, but I also don't because I just feels like that shouldn't apply to an obvious dude with a ridiculously hairy chest, and again, bald.
You would be amazed at some of the transitions that people have shared here. Of course it feels weird. You've been trained your whole life to think of yourself as a man. Your whole life has been wrapped up in being a man.
Transition is hard. There is no way to sugarcoat that. But it's your life, and you have to decide what is best for you.
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 03:17:04 PM
And when I think bout HRT/SRS...I mean, I've never been especially attached to Mr. Winky and his two friends, but come on within the first 3-6 months of HRT I'd be chemically castrating myself! Kind of a big deal. Not to mention SRS and actually going the whole way...
Transition does not have to mean SRS and "going the whole way". When I decided to transition, I made concrete plans, e.g. see a gender therapist, start hair removal, start HRT, get FFS, etc. At each point I could stop, and abandon transition if it was just too much. I will say it again, transition is hard. People can lose friends, family, careers. You have balance that potential cost against what you feel you will gain.
Quote from: Dawn5792 on January 25, 2016, 03:17:04 PM
6. I mean, there's so much more that's running through my head, but those I guess are my biggest concerns. This is all just so new(I mean, not really, but you know) and weird and I'm at a (not allowed) loss. I do want to thank everybody for sharing their experiences all over though, it really was something I needed to read, even if I'm hoping SO MUCH that this is all just some bad dream or I'm just psyching myself out or something. Knowledge is power and you're all wonderful.
- Dawn(weird typing that out with my hairy arms)
I think you will find lots of support and information here. I wish you all the best!
With kindness,
Terri
Hi Dawn :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
:icon_chainsaw:
wooooooooo, fun.
Can't say I'm not a bit excited, I expected to have an adventure this month - didn't really expect THIS to be my adventure, but, you know...
Excuse me while I start therapy and lose like 85 pounds. Thanks for all the advice, you're all wonderful.
Hi Dawn, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. It can take awhile to sort things out in your mind, that's what we're here for, though! :) See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Welcome aboard to a great resource for us. Do not worried too much about being confused about trans, it is like that by nature.
"Have I gone mad?"
"I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are."
What is "normal", anyway?
Sorry, had a session with my therapist today and that always leaves me feeling a bit philosophical.
Welcome! I am glad that you found us...but more importantly, I am glad that you are starting to find yourself.
The journey can happen in a million different ways so don't think that you only have a single choice in all of this.
Meet with a gender therapist. It will help to focus and organize your thoughts and find a direction that will ultimately work best for you.
In the end, your journey is your journey and you have to take it. But you will meet some wonderful and fantastic people along the way.
*hugs*
Quote from: Deborah on January 25, 2016, 04:43:25 PM
Question #2 is on a subject banned here mainly because it's a theory that is discredited by most professionals in this field. However, it's on the Internet so it always raises questions in people's minds as they try to figure it out. I'm going to paste a response to a similar question from a few weeks ago. (I'm not a psychologist and this is only my opinion)
"I just want to add that I understand your discomfort and confusion over the sexual feelings. I had the same confusion. If you are trans those feelings are there because of the testosterone in your system. That's what testosterone does. It causes anyone to become aroused and focused on sex. If you do HRT the testosterone will be reduced and the sexual feelings will be gone, or at least greatly reduced. At that point if the trans feelings remain and you are not bothered by the loss of the sexual feelings you will be able to answer to yourself what you are."
Sapere Aude
Our of curiosity--would this be true for me and for my own sexual feelings as well? After all, while my own cross-gender and gender-variant feelings are largely
non-sexual, there certainly
is a sexual component to them (such as me sometimes getting sexually aroused by the thought of me having a vagina)?
Quote from: Futurist on January 30, 2016, 02:58:02 AM
Our of curiosity--would this be true for me and for my own sexual feelings as well? After all, while my own cross-gender and gender-variant feelings are largely non-sexual, there certainly is a sexual component to them (such as me sometimes getting sexually aroused by the thought of me having a vagina)?
it might be. Or it might be that my theory is all wrong.
Could it be you are in fact trans and are simply overthinking it all due to the plethora of often conflicting theories that abound on the Internet? I think that's possible. Try this thought experiment. Remove all sexual components from your mind. What remains then as to your sense of self?
Regardless, it probably would be useful for you to speak on this issue with a professional to help sort it all out in your mind.
Sapere Aude
Quote from: Deborah on January 30, 2016, 03:26:19 AM
it might be. Or it might be that my theory is all wrong.
Could it be you are in fact trans and are simply overthinking it all due to the plethora of often conflicting theories that abound on the Internet? I think that's possible. Try this thought experiment. Remove all sexual components from your mind. What remains then as to your sense of self?
Regardless, it probably would be useful for you to speak on this issue with a professional to help sort it all out in your mind.
Sapere Aude
Frankly, if all sexual thoughts are removed from my mind, then a lot of my own interest in having a vagina appears to go away, Of course, in such a scenario, what I am left with is me wanting to become an
extremely feminine eunuch
and with me having an autoromantic inclination which results in me cross-dreaming and wishing that I was a trans-woman.
Hey Dawn welcome to the site. Becoming truly aware of your feelings and "inclinations" can be quite exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. "Could this really be me" is a question I asked myself over and over.
So if it feels strange to type your name with hairy arms, you could just shave them off!! If it turns out that you don't like it, then you can simply just let them grow back out :)
Welcome Dawn. I'm a lawyer so I guess that qualifies as a professional. Lol. I tried for years to pretend that I was a normal CIS male. But I wasn't and it wasn't until I was in my 50's that I decided I could not pretend anymore. Getting the help of a good gender therapist can be a big help in figuring out your issues. There are a lot of options that a professional can help you sort out to find the one that is best for you. I can tell you that I was full of fear about how I would be treated by people in the legal community once I announced my transition. I was very pleasantly surprised to have had nothing but very positive experiences since I publicly announced my transition.
Good luck as you work through these issues. If you ever have any questions you will find the people at this site are wonderful about providing help to the members here.
Welcome Dawn!
As someone also just beginning this journey, I cannot recommend finding and good gender therapist enough. It's really helped me unpack my feelings and begin to try to sort out what is a difficult set of emotions.
You're not alone in this at all. I had some of the same feelings of euphoria and pleasure when I first began crossdressing 6 months ago, but as the initial "newness" of it wore off I realized there was something more to it.
So I was wrestling with this for the past couple months, until finally I felt I needed to see a therapist, best decision I've made yet.
I wish you the best, and hope to read more from you as you take this journey!
-Gia
Thanks for the words of encouragement everybody! This is still weird but it's starting to normalize a lot, so that's good I guess.
Jessie, I'm just starting my lawyering career is the issue - I had a hard time getting started the past two years due to dysphoria issues on top of a horrible legal market, and I JUST picked up my first real job, in my dream field no less. So I'm more worried because, you know, you were already established, and if worst came to worst you could strike out on your own. I'm still a baby in the field and need mentors. And my current dream job is in the public sector in a state that's not very LGB or T friendly.
Everybody else, I finally saw the therapist for the first time, and it was...weird. I just asked this question on ->-bleeped-<-, so I'll just copypasta what I wrote there and ask - is this normal?
Hi girls,
So, I've been slowly coming to grips with everything until recently when it all exploded on me, and now I've been immersing myself in everything for the first time.
That sounded dirty.
Anyway, point is, I'm new to this, but slowly discovering who I am, likely a full blown transsexual, though I guess I'm uncomfortable with the term. So I dove into this whole thing headfirst and very quickly set up my first therapist appointment in a town I just moved to, which while it is a somewhat large city, isn't exactly a haven of technology and forward thinking(but then again not as backward as some).
Meeting with the therapist went well for the most part, he appears to be the most specialized in the area, which I guess isn't saying much, but you take what you can get, you know?
Anyway, he was telling me that in order to get recommended to HRT, he'd want me to hit certain milestones, and he expected the process to take about 6 months. I asked him what the milestones are, because I'm 31 and want to have the option open ASAP, even if I don't think it's right to do it at that time, I at least want the option.
He said he wants me to use a ladies room before our next session.
Issue is, I'm absolutely just starting to really get used to the idea of being a woman for realz, and I have no idea how to do makeup yet, don't have a wardrobe, etc. I don't really want to pick up a wardrobe yet anyway because I plan to lose about 50 pounds before I start HRT, so nothing will fit anyway. Point is, I'm not going to pass remotely, and I'm worried for my safety and that one of the cis girls will call the cops, and I wouldn't necessarily disagree with them for it.
So I'm not going to do it. I've used a ladies room before and liked it, but in a wholly safe situation with all kinds of excuses. I already know I'd be comfortable in there. I'm worried about the cis girls' comfort. I don't want to lie to the therapist and possibly set myself back, but there's no way in hell I'm doing this.
TL;DR Therapist told me to use a women's room as part of the "process" but I can't even remotely pass, nor am I even trying right now, and I'm worried I'll end up on the sex offender registry or something. Is it normal for him to ask me to do that?
I have no idea who your therapist is but to make a statement that it will take 6 months before you will meet his milestones before recommending HRT is a big red flag for me. WPATH standards recomend about 3 months of therapy before getting a HRT letter. My therapist gave me my letter after a 2 hour session. There are specialized therapists who deal with transgender individuals who will meet with you via Skype or FaceTime.
I know you are just starting out in your legal career but how your transition will affect it kind of depends on where your located and who your employer is. I know that our field has been hit pretty hard the last few years and I'm glad you are working in an area you like. You may be surprised at how acceptable transition will be. The EEOC and other governmental agencies have been working on making discrimination against transgender individuals very bad for business.
If you ever need to talk please feel free to contact me.
Hello Dawn!
I just wanted to stop in and let you know that I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, being new to both the site and to a newly-realized transgender identity. So I don't have much to offer except a lot of empathy and a touch of advice.
The first bit is to talk to someone you really know and trust about this (whenever you feel comfortable, of course). I've only confided in my fiancee and my best friend and won't with anyone else for quite a while.
Second, you should go shopping with a lady who likes to shop for clothes. We went to a second-hand clothes shop and whenever I got uncomfortable, my fiancee would just look through the clothes as she was looking for something for herself (while I subtly checked to see if there's anything I liked). I walked away with some nice tank tops and two pairs of jeans that fit nicely (although I have no butt at all, lol) and all on clearance too!
I feel for you about your career. I would suggest that you look at your state's policies to check if you're in one of the states in the US where your employment is "at-will" and you can technically be fired for being gay, lesbian, bi, trans, etc. Now, I know most sane employers wouldn't want to touch the PR nightmare of discrimination that is with a 10-ft pole but if could save you from drama down the line.
But yeah, best of luck to everything! I hope your transition is seamless and full of happiness ;D
Nothing wrong with enthusiasm at all, but sometimes a little cautious brake checking can be very helpful. Early HRT will not cause you to instantly feminize, but this is a journey that will encompass the rest of your life. A few months is a short time and will pass in what will likely feel like a heartbeat. Take time to take stock in who you are sans any pressure. You will be ok.
I was green lighted to start HRT again in early summer, 2015. Set a date that was actually closer to my physical B-Day and waited through the delay working on other things. I am a co facilitator for a local support group and can see 'the new girls' when they arrive a few days or weeks after coming to a realization. They are spit and vinegar and HRT needs to have started last week...I always urge them to relax and enjoy the initial work of realization and internal acceptance. The initial discovery and meeting with your therapist will be ones you look back on once a bit of seasoning has been rubbed in.
If there is anything I could impart from my early experiences with transition, take time to smell the flowers along your path and don't cheat yourself their sometimes sweet and sometimes bitter uniqueness. You will get to know yourself and through that will come to a greater love of being.
Hi Dawn!
I think there are lots of professionals here. I am a lawyer too. I am also 30-something and balding too. I have often cross-dressed in private, felt shame and guilt, then purged all my female things. I previously found it confronting when I encountered trans individuals in public settings. I get confused by pronouns too (especially when people call me by my male name and use female pronouns).
For my part, I just couldn't keep my identity to myself any longer. A clever person recently reminded me that there is no greater waste of human life than to spend our precious time on this planet trying to conceal ourselves from the people who care the most about us. That's how I feel. It made me want to transition, come what may.
Therapy has helped a bit, but coming out to some close family and friends has really made the shame and guilt evaporate for me. I picked carefully which friends I was willing to confide in. Every single person has been amazingly accepting, although sometimes their curious questions make me squirm a little.
I resolved from the beginning to just take the transition process one step at a time. I don't have an exact end goal in mind, I'm just making little changes until I like where I'm at. I saw my endocrinologist today and we agreed to increase my HRT treatment - but I emphasised that it is absolutely critical to me to remain in complete control of what's happening to my body and how fast. I'm enjoying watching these changes take place - although I'm not yet in that uncomfortable position where I can't conceal my feminisation from those around me.
I think we are really lucky to be working in a professional environment. I sometimes think professionals are more tolerant and open to educating themselves than tradespeople and labourers. And we certainly benefit from good discrimination protections. I have told my employer, confidentially, what is happening. This gives them plenty of time to prepare and even to shape the corporate culture a little bit if needed. It also buys me quite a bit of flexibility to deal with appointments. I've done everything I can to make it easy for them - provided mountains of information, directed them to external consultants, and thought of ways to make it easy for my colleagues to adapt. Ultimately, my employer should see this as an opportunity to demonstrate its commitment to employee welfare. I think they know this too. In the back of my mind though, I'm painfully aware that, for the rest of my tenure (and probably career), I will be known as 'that trans person'. So be it.
I imagine working in advocacy might be a bit awkward during the transition period. On the other hand, have you thought about taking on some human rights matters? I think you would make a fantastic advocate for many marginalised groups and classes. Have you seen this post:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,87541.msg625108.html#msg625108 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,87541.msg625108.html#msg625108)
There are lots of examples of pilots, senior military personnel, politicians, elite athletes, and actors that have transitioned (some of their stories are fascinating if you do some reading).
Have you thought about speaking to a therapist to try and figure out what will give you the greatest prospect of happiness? I assume you wouldn't be here if you weren't think about exploring some options.
Good luck.