Hello,
I'm kinda at a loss for this stuff, this is all "new" to me, so bear with me. I've known I've been trans(put a name to my feelings) for about 3-4 years, and in the past few weeks it's become simply impossible to hold back. I've never been to therapy(though I plan to start ASAP). I'm 31, and a professional(trial attorney). I have some idiot questions/thoughts to get out of the way:
1. I guess what bothers me the most is that over the past 2-3 weeks I've been scouring the internet for everything on the topic, and everybody is toeing the same party line - that a) if you think you're trans, you're trans, and b) that if you are trans, the only way to deal with it is to transition.
and on part b) every part of my brain rebels at the idea that there is only one solution to the issue. There HAS to be some other possibility out there. Surely something in that was acting on my brain to make me feel better, even if not 100% better? For those doctors and therapists heavily involved in this community, it's a HUGE amount of money for a small pond, I'm especially worried that the fact that the only one solution is a product of these financial incentives.
2. How is everybody so sure it's not a possible explanation? I definitely fit the profile, I'm again, 31, attracted to women, and when I dress up like a girl It pretty often turns me on, at least in the beginning before I feel so sick to my stomach...then just keep on wearing it...I'm worried that this community is being a victim of its own confirmation bias. Why can't it just be some sort of fetish? I've got no problem with it being a fetish...even if I started dressing like this before I even had my first erection or even knew what attraction was...UGH NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY (not allowed) SENSE.
3. And going off that second point a bit, doesn't the fact that I feel really disgusting when I dress up kind of contradict my self-diagnosis of trans? Like, that some part of me knows it's not right, even though I keep doing it?
4. Off the personal stuff - is anybody here also a professional? I'm terrified at the idea of transitioning while working. I have to deal with juries, guys and gals. The average american isn't exactly tolerant of transgendered people. I'm scared that if I transition I'll have to change careers and go to med school or something like that where I won't have as hard a time at work. If I'm dealing with the general public en masse as I do, I'd need to pass perfectly, and being a really bald 31 year old is going to make that nearly impossible, at best a roll of the dice.
5. Is it normal to feel really really weird about this? Like, I've been talking to one of my best friends about it, and he's been playing with pronouns a little bit, and it feels SO WEIRD when he calls me a 'she'. Like, I like it, but I also don't because I just feels like that shouldn't apply to an obvious dude with a ridiculously hairy chest, and again, bald. It makes me feel really disgusted with myself, like I feel like he's lying to me or something to make me feel better. And when I think bout HRT/SRS...I mean, I've never been especially attached to Mr. Winky and his two friends, but come on within the first 3-6 months of HRT I'd be chemically castrating myself! Kind of a big deal. Not to mention SRS and actually going the whole way...
6.
I mean, there's so much more that's running through my head, but those I guess are my biggest concerns. This is all just so new(I mean, not really, but you know) and weird and I'm at a (not allowed) loss. I do want to thank everybody for sharing their experiences all over though, it really was something I needed to read, even if I'm hoping SO MUCH that this is all just some bad dream or I'm just psyching myself out or something. Knowledge is power and you're all wonderful.
- Dawn(weird typing that out with my hairy arms)
Mod Edit - no I'm anything other trans, no Illegal acts (drugs), no ->-bleeped-<-, no self medicating talk and no foul language please TOS 5, 8, 9 ,10, and 11
