Hi,
I have been very lucky with people's responses to my appearance in public so far. Once a few girls snickered a bit and a couple was obviously discussing my appearance but said nothing to me. Nothing really! My response was to look right back and just smile. I keep waiting for someone to be insulting or nasty. I know it will happen. My heart goes out to those out there who have experienced awful treatment. My question is, are there good ways to minimize the hurt done my some jerk on the street? The day after, do you just continue to do what you need to do, one foot in front of the other, until the hurt is less raw? I can imagine wanting to crawl up in a ball for a while especially after a violent situation. I would like to hear people's thoughts on the emotional process they would use to stay positive. Maybe I'm fooling myself to think I can prepare myself for such an event, but full time is coming for me this summer, and I would like to be able to refer to things others have done. Thanks!
Moni
I try not to focus on the jerk. If there is something I could learn from the experience, then I try to fix what wasn't the way it should be. Otherwise I remember regardless I'm happier being my authentic self. Hugs
Mariah
I haven't had much of this, in the early days a bit of 'the stare' and the 'chuckle'. Now women accept me just as another woman, I think any guy who reacted is probably in the closet and deeply jealous. They use their phobia as a smoke screen. I just imagine the poor thing going home consumed with jealousy. Then I smile.
Well... I haven't started transitioning yet, but I can fully imagine anything that could happen, and what I would do, and what I usually do, is just in my mind I say to heck with them and continue on with happiness, because I know that I'm fighting a battle and in going through it day by day and nobody can stop me from being me, they're being mean because they know I'm stronger than them. Hope this helps you sweety, hugs!
~Faith~
I don't know it hasn't happened yet. The thing is I'm still deeply emotionally scared from my bullying in grade school. Even though I'm 60 I still think about it all the time and it happened in first through 4th grade and a little beyond. harassment and bullying can deeply affect one.
Quote from: stephaniec on January 28, 2016, 02:01:17 AM
I don't know it hasn't happened yet. The thing is I'm still deeply emotionally scared from my bullying in grade school. Even though I'm 60 I still think about it all the time and it happened in first through 4th grade and a little beyond. harassment and bullying can deeply affect one.
Same here.
I wish I had thicker skin, or greater detachment, for this sort of thing. And I know it says more about them than it does you, but it's always hurt. Even when the words themselves are meaningless, you can still sense the malice behind them, and that stings.
It's taken years and a good bit of therapy, but I've sort of gotten my peace of mind back. Still, I do periodically get harassed from time to time, and when it happens, it always unearths the hurt and anger from all those previous bullies as well. I've gotten where I can recognize when I'm in that state, and sort of step back, and while I can control my temper better than I used to, it's still able to wreck my day.
Quote from: HappyMoni on January 28, 2016, 12:08:10 AMMy question is, are there good ways to minimize the hurt done my some jerk on the street? The day after, do you just continue to do what you need to do, one foot in front of the other, until the hurt is less raw?
It hasn't happened to me for years, but when it did, I held my head high. I'm proud to be transgender. Trans people are superheros. We go through untold pain, both before and during transition, we master an entirely new lifestyle, we are marginalized and discriminated against and yet we show up for our jobs, our families, and our friends.
The jerks you refer to have no clue about any of this. By harassing us, they are displaying their ignorance. The appropriate reaction is one of pity for them because they have to go through life with such a narrow viewpoint.
There's no "easy" way to deal with it. My personal favorite is not to acknowledge the actions of the ignorant. If it's in public, chances are that someone else will publicly denounce them, or mentally write them off for what they are; closed minded bigots, or ignorant "man-child's" insecure about their own shortcomings.
Either way, responding to the situation with a bit of class and grace goes further than digging in and engaging in verbal banter with a child who will continue to spewing hurtful words and circular reasoning. Nothing will irritate them more than their inability to evoke a response. I'm certain that they'll fume all the way to the dinner table.
Hold your head high and go about your day amidst the ugliness. Never let them see you hurt. The class you show exiting the situation will be etched in their minds. I guarantee that they won't persist out of fear that they'll themselves be labeled and ridiculed.
I wish I had thicker skin, or greater detachment, for this sort of thing. And I know it says more about them than it does you, but it's always hurt. Even when the words themselves are meaningless, you can still sense the malice behind them, and that stings.
I have not been bullied much in my life. I always tended to stick up for the underdog myself. I guess it is a good thing for me not to have dealt with it. I am a little lost now in the sense that I am such a different person after taking hormones that I can't predict how I will react. I have never been as vulnerable as I am now. It is too soon for me to have gained the kind of confidence that some of you wonderful ladies display. (You are all awesome by the way.) I like the idea of trying to be classy in my response. Also, I want to hold head up and be proud. The idea of malice kind of cuts to my concern of being devastated by an incident. Perhaps I don't know until I go through it, but it helps me to hear what you all are saying. Thank you!
Moni
Sorry that was a quote from JenSquid at the top of last post. I guess I didn't do it right.
Moni
It takes time but it seems we get better with experience. I don't care that much about passing and came out before HRT. i was not surprised to raise eyebrows or get second looks. I enjoy a debate with people who can remain cool and will dish it back to anyone who gets nasty. I had a shop keeper give me a load recently when i was buying some skating equipment. I just teased him right back until he finally walked away with my admonition in his ears that "the customer is always right!"
My sense is that I expect people to get used to a reality wherein people are not hiding. Were here, I'm queer, get used to it folks. Diversity is strength and the ability to stretch too ;D ;D
Perhaps a good way to deal with negative feedback from J. Q. Public is to understand that they are broken in one way or another. Some part of their life is so bad that they have to try to bring others down.
A well adjusted, emotionally healthy person would be supportive.
Boston MA. My best friend is a dwarf. She has a masters degree in education and works at Harvard in Harvard Square, possibly one of the most civilized places on Earth. She is harassed, in one form or another, everyday, by the public. I don't know how she bares it and keeps going and lives to laugh another day and walks out the door, everyday. It brings me some comfort to know that one doesn't have to be a transsexual to be harassed. Lucky for me, one day, I might be passable. She will always be a dwarf. Her sentence is lifelong and there's no surgery for it.
Some random guy said at me recently, "That is one ugly man." He was with a woman and baby. The woman whipped her head to look at me. She looked kind of scared or worried or embarrassed. Unfortunately, he couldn't have been talking about anyone but me. Believe me, I looked around for any other possible target.
I don't know how people put up with this but I have to figure it out... not to "live authentically" but simply to win and throw up a good finger at anyone who disapproves.
How to deal with it? Firstly, I am wishing him a slow, agonizing, painful death, hopefully one that I can watch. And/or, in an effort to fake emotional health I understand that he sucks, is limited, is probably a ->-bleeped-<-??, and that he's a !@#$!@#$!@#$. He was probably checking me out from afar because at 20 feet away (or further) I'm a hot leggy blond in great shape. Then, when he was close enough to see that I am a transsexual, he was probably terrified that his woman would think, "omg he's checking out a dude" or something. As such, in an effort to salvage his, possibly threatened manhood, he had to make some sort of !@#$ing comment JUST like the boys in highschool had to call me a ->-bleeped-<- every day to prove what manly men they were.
It feels the same now as it did in highschool. How to shrug it off? How to be one of those, "water off a duck's back" kind of people? I never have been. I'm more of a "bare grudges to the grave" type of person. I carry around grudges as my cardio. I wrap myself up in grudges to keep warm at night.
I think the trick is to understand the motivation behind why someone would make such a negative comment. What kind of person feels the need to express themselves in such a way as to purposefully hurt another person? This kind of person is emotionally ill, angry, damaged, hurt... This kind of person needs to say something negative about a transsexual possibly because they hate the trapped transsexual in themselves or they are attracted to the transsexual and need to let everyone around them know that they aren't or they are simply in pain and want to make sure others are in pain too. Angry people in pain just need to spread it around.
Hi Loami,
I have had only a few possible reactions in my wanderings and only 1 time that I am pretty sure I was being looked at and whispered about.
I say "possibly" and "pretty sure" because in none of these can I say without a doubt that I was the object of their rudeness. I tend to be oblivious to those around me and that has the side benefit that even if I hear something of see a glance in my direction I cannot say it was about me. As long I I don't know for sure, it cannot bother me. The one time I was in a store and saw no less than 3 different groups whispering and taking not so subtle looks in my direction was difficult to deal with at the time but I was determined to continue my shopping and put them out of my mind. I talked about it with Liz that evening and she pointed out that although I felt I was the object of their attention, I had no way of knowing for sure. I had to admit that she was right and that my reaction to it was mostly due to my own insecurities and my guessing at what I thought I was seeing. I hate it when she needles me to look at myself like that. So my modus operandi is to just not pay attention to what those around me are up to. Ignorance is truly bliss in this case.
I have yet to be directly confronted by someone and therefore I do not know how I might react. As they say more shall be revealed. We'll have to see when it happens.
Hugs,
Laurie
I'm not tough either, This thing would i fear hurt me a lot aswell.
Their is a saying, and it goes "any landing you can walk away from is a good one"
And what i think this means is, a story about life. and about no matter how bad a "crash" might be if you pull through it, its a blessing.
I think the main struggle for me at least would be seeing myself as worth the effort the crime would take to report. And I hope I/YOU can report it. Thats all we can do, and we deserv it.
Why are people mean? I like the ladder as a model of explanation. We are all on a ladder together. Most folks are happy being on the rung they are on, other help others up the ladder. Then there is the jerk who steps on your head to get higher in order to make him/her self feel like a big shot. I think people do it because they are insecure and think it will increase there standing.
I watched the "What Would You Do" episode where the trans woman was being harrassed/ bullied by the sales girl. It made me cry when everyone came to her assistance/ defense. I watched Colbert talk about trans folk and the audience was way supportive. I heard people from both parties( unfortunately, not equally or universally) speak up against the military ban. I see all these things and think maybe the tide is starting to turn against trans people being the convenient punching bag.
Its funny all my life, people do all these things to be different than everyone else. (A lot of the time the thing they do makes them just like everyone else.) They are such rebels right? But when they see someone who truly is different, it is all about how weird they are. Heck trans folk oughta be considered freakin super heroes.
Moni, trans, female, super hero! (Cough, cough, ouch that hurts!)
I wouldn't say I have a thick skin exactly but a lifetime of people staring, pointing and making comments has made me a little more resistant to it. When people stare and whisper, which happens, I don't know if it's because I'm trans or because I'm albino. I always assume the latter simply because it's been happening my whole life. So far no one who didn't know be before I transitioned has outed me as trans. At least not that I know of. But I've had people who knew me before say nasty things. One incident was a ex-friend of my dad's who ended up coming into work for a haircut. He never liked me and the reason my dad dumped his as a friend was because of all the stuff he would say about me. Once he realized who I was he very loudly outed me and said some of the most awful things to me. Unfortunately I ended up crying. He was just so horribly mean it totally took me off guard. I've also run into people who knew me from school who said nasty stuff. I really don't say much back because the stuff they say is just so predictable and childish. Most recently a girl I went to school with ran into my boyfriend and I. She went out of her way to come up to us and ask Tristan if he knew I was really a guy. I didn't have time to reply before Tristan called her a swamp donkey. Swamp donkey is an Aussie expression that means an extremely ugly and hopeless woman. Lol
I know it hurts when people are mean but when that happens keep in mind that few of the people who judge you would ever have the strength transition like you're doing. And also for someone to be so full of hate toward a group or groups of people they must be really unhappy in their own life. So you already got your revenge.
Julia
Julia I like your boyfriend, struth mate hes fare dinkum. Good for him sticking up for you , you cant beat an ozzie for saying it as it is.
Quote from: davina61 on August 22, 2017, 03:17:50 PM
Julia I like your boyfriend, struth mate hes fare dinkum. Good for him sticking up for you , you cant beat an ozzie for saying it as it is.
That's true. He's very laidback but when he does decide to say something to someone he doesn't hold back at all.lol
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 22, 2017, 02:50:54 PM
Moni, trans, female, super hero!
Among my first posts here only about a month ago, I wrote about how I consider Rachel, Moni, Laurie, and so many others here to be rockstar superheroes, and myself just a groupie. That's why I was so blown away when I looked back to the first post in this thread and saw that the insecure person who started it was none other than Moni herself! I am now where she was back then, and look how far she's come and how much she's grown, and in only a little over a year and a half!
I joined this group only knowing you all when you were well on your way, and wondered at your strength. I know now that almost every one of us starts out with the same fears, and it's possible to get over them.
This is why I idolize you all. It gives me so much hope that maybe I can do this, too. Thank you all for allowing those of us just getting started to draw on your strength. You're awesome.
Stephanie
Depends on the kind of harassment ...
I was properly stalked just the once - all the way home - and *that* was upsetting. I was stressed travelling to and from my apartment for a good week after. My partner did a pretty good job of scaring the guy off though, and nothing happened after that <3
But as for words alone - and yes I do get them, this is just a flattering photo - I just laugh. Heard it all before, said better. Self worth should come from within - not from the validation of total strangers!
I've experienced extensive harassment, stalking, and assault all throughout my life. At times over a dozen per day. And mind you, I pass quite well. Emotionally, it's poison. What else do you want me to say? You handle it the best way you can. That means giving yourself the highest quality of life possible.
Physically? I have double-locked doors. I use multiple aliases. I don't answer my phone. I carry a gun if I leave the house (and not some crappy 6+1 magazine - what good is that if 8+ men chase me again?)
You avoid being the victim and make yourself into the aggressor if you really want some kind of stability or sense of being after this sort of thing. Powerlessness stacking upon itself is the stuff legendary villains are made of. You do what you can to preserve your sanity and what's best in your character.
Breath deep and unload the can of pepper spray. Don't leave home without it. One thing I have learned the last few years is you are wasting your breath arguing with a red neck. They still elected Trump.
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 22, 2017, 04:22:57 PM
Among my first posts here only about a month ago, I wrote about how I consider Rachel, Moni, Laurie, and so many others here to be rockstar superheroes, and myself just a groupie. That's why I was so blown away when I looked back to the first post in this thread and saw that the insecure person who started it was none other than Moni herself! I am now where she was back then, and look how far she's come and how much she's grown, and in only a little over a year and a half!
I joined this group only knowing you all when you were well on your way, and wondered at your strength. I know now that almost every one of us starts out with the same fears, and it's possible to get over them.
This is why I idolize you all. It gives me so much hope that maybe I can do this, too. Thank you all for allowing those of us just getting started to draw on your strength. You're awesome.
Stephanie
Well Stepanie, I was totally joking about the hero stuff, but with your very kind post I do feel pretty super. I still battle some of those fears and worries, but somehow, with a lot of help, I have pushed through a lot of fear and made progress. You and I are not different I think. Maybe I am just a little further along at this point. (Now Laurie, yeah, she's different, but lovable. Don't get me started on Rachel. lol) If you are determined and stay positive I suspect you will be an example to others if you aren't already. This is a great place to learn from others and offer up what you have learned that might help someone else. There are a lot of folks who helped me. (I'm not saying who unless they pay me lots of money. lol) Well, I do wish all those who are struggling luck and hope for good things for them. Thank you Steph for the kind words. See you on the boards.
Moni
PS I am lucky to still not have experienced the real nasty stuff from people.
Moni,
Hopefully it never happens to you. It shouldn't from what I can tell of the photos you have had as avatar.
I don't know really, most comments just don't have any force behind them and are easy to ignore. The rest are easy to walk away from for the most part, and that is probably the best response. Physical assault is much harder to recover from. Not healing the outside but the fear inside. Personally, I didn't go anywhere but to work until the swelling and eventually bruising faded, over 2 months. I gave my roomie money and she took care of all the groceries and even put gas in my car. We will never be super close, just too different, but she is so solid and our friendship has lasted 30 years and will probably last another 30. It was still hard to go out after the bruises were gone, took everything I had almost. Altogether I stayed isolated for around 6 months. When I did finally get back into normal routine something strange had happened, I was invisible. No one gave me a second look or any attention at all. That did more to get rid of the fear than anything. Me getting attacked was just terrible luck. Drunk sister-in-law said the wrong thing at the wrong time where some very drunk men could hear. I hope that it doesn't happen to many of us.
I think you will be fine. 😊 It's hard not to worry but... I would bet no one says a thing.
Michelle
Quote from: FinallyMichelle on August 22, 2017, 06:27:19 PM
Moni,
Hopefully it never happens to you. It shouldn't from what I can tell of the photos you have had as avatar.
I don't know really, most comments just don't have any force behind them and are easy to ignore. The rest are easy to walk away from for the most part, and that is probably the best response. Physical assault is much harder to recover from. Not healing the outside but the fear inside. Personally, I didn't go anywhere but to work until the swelling and eventually bruising faded, over 2 months. I gave my roomie money and she took care of all the groceries and even put gas in my car. We will never be super close, just too different, but she is so solid and our friendship has lasted 30 years and will probably last another 30. It was still hard to go out after the bruises were gone, took everything I had almost. Altogether I stayed isolated for around 6 months. When I did finally get back into normal routine something strange had happened, I was invisible. No one gave me a second look or any attention at all. That did more to get rid of the fear than anything. Me getting attacked was just terrible luck. Drunk sister-in-law said the wrong thing at the wrong time where some very drunk men could hear. I hope that it doesn't happen to many of us.
I think you will be fine. 😊 It's hard not to worry but... I would bet no one says a thing.
Michelle
Oh Michelle, that is terrible that that happened to you. I'm sorry. Hope you don't mind me asking, was it in a bar type setting? You mention a lot of drunk folks. I tend to think that the settings we are involved in have a big effect on the chances for something like that to happen . Race is also a big factor I think. Location as well, age and relationship status too. Thank you so much for sharing that and I wish you only the best.
Moni
I get the occasional chortle and s->-bleeped-<-. I ignore it. I have to imagine that annoys more than any other single thing I can do. As the Brit's say, takes the piss out of it for em'. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, your opinion of me is none of my business.
Thanks Moni.
It was at a sports bar. My birthday 2 years ago at my brother's house. My sister and sister-in-law were arguing and it got to be too much so I was going home, but they suggested that we go out instead. Big mistake it turns out. Everything was fine but then 1 accidental "he" overheard by the wrong people. I don't go out as a rule, so no loss.
I never even gave a thought that I had to be afraid. I guess that it was a good learning experience, some people will not be reasoned with. The hatred some people have for us is only barely contained and given a chance they will lash out. Everyone says it shouldn't matter if you pass but it does to me. I still worry about it, actually worry about it more now. People staring at me scares me more that it should and I have been getting stared at a lot lately.
You are going to be fine. 😊 Take care.
Michelle
I developed thick skin when very young. Then the issue was my weight, now it is my clothing. Big Whoop. If someone says something negative, I ignore them. If someone hits me, I hit back, - harder. Then walk away.
But I gotta say, almost everyone is either positive or neutral. I dress this way for me, not for them.
I wasn't always like this... but I honestly don't care what people think about me. I'm not hurting anyone, so just mind your own business. On the same token, I don't care about other peoples' lives, I don't want to get involve or have an opinion, unless it's close family, but that's a little different.
It's just words, society made them to behave like them by environment. It doesn't reflect you, and if it did, they aren't paying your bills.
Quote from: Wild Flower on August 24, 2017, 03:54:49 AM
I wasn't always like this... but I honestly don't care what people think about me. I'm not hurting anyone, so just mind your own business. On the same token, I don't care about other peoples' lives, I don't want to get involve or have an opinion, unless it's close family, but that's a little different.
It's just words, society made them to behave like them by environment. It doesn't reflect you, and if it did, they aren't paying your bills.
Even if someone is laughing or taunting or threatening you, you don't care? I can imagine getting less sensitive in how I react, but I can't imagine me getting publicly humiliated and just brushing it off. You have my admiration if you can.
Moni
To me the within piece is pretty important. Self-talk as the result of external stimuli is something that we can control, but often it is not easy. Having dealt with so much depression in my life, I have probably developed some levels of coping that are pretty resilient.
To micro-aggressions or just plain rudeness i try a few things. I imagine that they just don't know any trans people and that their reactions are based on that lack of knowledge. My response is usually a smile and then i make sure they know i am responding to their reaction. I will not back down, but i will be safe. There is an old biblical concept that i am sure even predated that to the effect of " answer evil with kindness and it is like heaping burning coals on the person's head" Always thought that was an interesting analogy. You hope that enough encounters like that and their conscious will kick in.
The other thing i do at times is focus on the idea/thoughts that make me think "how crappy and mundane their lives must be that they can't appreciate a little diversity"
Having said all that, I rarely get negatives. Stares occasionally as someone clocks me, but I don't really consider a stare in most instances to be that aggressive.