I've been trying to stay upbeat, supportive, and positive. It's just so hard when it feels like I'm sinking into a swamp. Last night was so bad that I cried myself to sleep. This morning it was no better. In fact, I found myself googling ways to make a suicide look accidental. I really want to be supportive of my husband and best friend. I want him to be happy. At the same time I want my old life back - the one I had before the terms 'transgender' and 'gender dysphoria' were constant topics of conversation. Right now I just don't want any part of this life and I'm only seeing one path out.
Please call one of the suicide hotlines if you're feeling overwhelmed. They're posted prominently around the site. To throw out a cliche, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Hugs, Devlyn
life is too precious, there is too much in the world to enjoy and there no need to take that away from yourself. Therapy would help you sort things out in a more beneficial way.
would you like to talk about what's going on
Princess Buttercup
I can hear your pain, Please seek some help for the way you are feeling. It is a horrible place to be and you need some support. Forget your partner just for the moment. You need to be looking after you, is there someone you can talk face to face with you now? Don't forget we have the chat room if you want to try and connect with people.
Your life has been tipped upside down and your feelings are all over the place...your reaction is not extreme but very normal. I know there are times when my wife would like "it" all to go away...me too for that matter...but the reality is we have to take each day and deal with what it serves up. Being the "coming out to" spouse of a trans person has to be the toughest job around. In so many cases the person coming out forgets to consider their partner and their needs. Transition is a very self focused journey, as it needs to be due to the number of changes we have to make. This doesn't make it any easier if we forget to consider our spouse in all of this. You need your own support network.
Please please speak to someone soon and get yourself some help. It is not fair on you to be feeling this way, it is horrible and destructive. I hope you can keep your relationship intact, it is a difficult thing but then love will triumph!
It's just all seems hopeless some days. And it hurts so much. He still refers to himself with male pronouns in real life, though he has switched back & forth on here. His plan is to never fully transition, but to lose the bulk of his masculinity to become more androgynous in appearance. At least that's what I've been told. I want to believe that since that's what we agreed to together. Some days it seems quite the opposite - so many new clothes have arrived in the past few weeks, talks about gaffs... It's too much. I feel like I'm watching my husband fade away. The man I love, who says he loves me, is being replaced by a stranger.
Sorry. I'm not usually one for a pity party. It's just been a rough few days and Valentines Day combined with our anniversary hasn't helped.
It's understandable, you have just as much right as he does to live your life the way you need to. I honestly have never been married , but I know therapy has prevented me from doing something that has no need to be done. I personally feel very srongly for the SO in situations like this. You didn't agree to this prior to marriage because if you did you wouldn't be feeling this way. I don't know your husband , but being transgender is hard on ones self because its an undercurrent throughout life that will not go away. If you can set boundaries to achieve an equal footing in the relationship tha'st one way to cope. He needs to understand your concerns and beliefs and I think a therapist would be a great help at this stage.
He's heard my concerns many times. We've agreed to hard limits (yes, totally borrowed a phrase from '50 Shades of Grey' - great books, terrible movie). It's just all moving so quickly that I can't keep up. I've told him he has to slow down if he wants me to make this journey with him. Or, alternately, he can go as quickly as he wants, but he'll do it by himself. I can only cope with so many life altering events at one time.
He has never had, at least not after his first revelation of being TG, the goal of a full transition. I've always taken that at face value to mean he wasn't going to transition at all. Last night I was told that he plans to transition some aspects, but not others and that he knows he can't ever go to being female and keep our marriage together. It's so very confusing for me. It would probably be so much easier if I could just love this person as female, but I can't or won't. I'm simply not wired in such a way that I can look past the gender of the person I'm involved in an intimate relationship with. There is absolutely no fluidity in me. I find the thought of a female touching me in that way simply repulsive. I think it's great for others if they like it. I have many gay & lesbian friends who I love to pieces, but I could never be in love with another woman.
And so, my life just keeps getting more and more complicated to the point that I really just want to permanently check out of it.
checking out is no solution to something your husband has brought to the table. you can choose for yourself what you need , but a therapist seems to be a good way to help you process what is going on. At least a therapist would be an objective neutral guide.
This to will hopefully pass. I have called a therapist who specializes in TG issues. I'm waiting to hear back to see if they're taking on new clients. If not, I guess I'll start working my way down the list. I'm just not sure how comfortable I'm going to be telling intimate details of my life to a stranger.
you'll br all right just let it all out. The best way to help yourself and your husband is is to have trust in someone trained to help. I know it can sometimes be hard to open up because I had trouble for way too long in being able to discuss my deep secret , but believe me the therapist's only concern is to help you.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 15, 2016, 06:13:45 PM
This to will hopefully pass. I have called a therapist who specializes in TG issues. I'm waiting to hear back to see if they're taking on new clients. If not, I guess I'll start working my way down the list. I'm just not sure how comfortable I'm going to be telling intimate details of my life to a stranger.
hang in there, one thing in my lifetime is that you can never tell what is around the corner :), life is unpredictable. if you need to talk there are many people that are here for you, and there is the phone numbers above too :D
Life is incredibly unpredictable, that I know. I just always thought that being as I'm over halfway through it, the major life altering events and surprises were behind me.
The therapist did return my call and has agreed to see me. Unfortunately I can't get in until late next week. I have some vacation time built up at work, I think I may use some of them to get away from home a few days. I could use some solitary time away.
Hi Princess Buttercup. I'm in the exact same situation and feel very similar to you, and I know it's so hard. It seems like your feelings are very common in this situation and very normal. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. I know it feels awful, so so awful, and it's a grieving process, for the person you thought you had, the relationship you're scared of losing, but it will get better, it has to. These things always do get better after time.
Is there anyone you can talk to. I hope you'll be ok. It's so so hard. :(
I dunno of this helps, but maybe you're thinking of your partner as female as being like a stranger - which is understandable - but you're not with a random strange woman, you're with someone you know. It might help to look for things that have stayed or will stay the same instead of focusing on the changes. :/
Quote from: Peep on February 16, 2016, 11:40:47 AM
I dunno of this helps, but maybe you're thinking of your partner as female as being like a stranger - which is understandable - but you're not with a random strange woman, you're with someone you know. It might help to look for things that have stayed or will stay the same instead of focusing on the changes. :/
Thats what keeps me sane, but then I think he is insane. I really wish the world acknowledged that this is real, a type of normal, and people would be nice about people (and couples) who are different. If society was fine with this, I'm sure It would be a hell of a lot easier for me to be fine with it. edit: AND yes I didn't sign up for him to suddenly flip and become a she, so in some ways they are a stranger, in other ways, you are right, they are that person I have always known. :|
glad you got an appointment, good luck and hang in there. Little vacation sounds nice.
Quote from: Peep on February 16, 2016, 11:40:47 AM
I dunno of this helps, but maybe you're thinking of your partner as female as being like a stranger - which is understandable - but you're not with a random strange woman, you're with someone you know. It might help to look for things that have stayed or will stay the same instead of focusing on the changes. :/
No, it truly doesn't help. A woman's body is a woman's body. It really doesn't matter if it's a stranger or not - I still don't want to have an intimate relationship with it. I'm. Just. Not. Into. Women. Only the transgendered seem to have difficulty grasping this concept. When I talked to my lesbian friends about this they all guffawed at the thought of me in a relationship with a woman regardless of which gender the person started out in life. It's just not who I am. I love men - their scent, their bodies, and their sex. I have no feelings for women in that way and in fact am quite repulsed by the thought of having one in my bed.
I respect others choices for their partner selection, I only ask that folks accept mine and stop trying to persuade me otherwise.
Also, for what it's worth, I don't give 2 strawberries as to how society views my relationship - only myself and my partner.
you have every right to be who you are.
Quote from: stephaniec on February 16, 2016, 08:15:21 PM
you have every right to be who you are.
Thank you, Stephanie. It's nice to know that someone besides the other SO's think that.
your welcome
Today is a much better day. I saw my doctor yesterday - he checked my hormone levels, gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication, prescription sleeping pills, and progesterone since my levels were out of whack. So, one of us is now on HRT, but it isn't my husband!
Between the hormone injection yesterday, the dose I took at bedtime, and finally getting a good night's sleep... well, I no longer feel like all hope is lost. I feel like I will get through this and still have my husband in mostly male form once we come out the other end of this nightmarish tunnel.
How are you feeling now? Still ok? x
I'm coping much better. Still having freak outs, the difference is that I no longer feel like it's the end of existence as I know it. For example, earlier I showed my husband a dress that I was going to buy. He commented that he had ordered the same one a few weeks ago and was just waiting for it to arrive. Instead of completely losing it, I just said I wasn't going to get it after all. I didn't get emotional or anything - just deleted my cart. That's progress. He asked me if I would find it to weird if we had the same thing and I just said it would and left it at that. A few days ago I would've spent an hour battling quiet tears.
Am I excited about all of this? Not in the least. But, it is what it is and I'll eventually be able to deal with it whether I like it or not.
glad your all right
Well done for dealing with it so well. It's ok to be emotional too, but I'm glad that it didn't make you too sad or worried. :)
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 19, 2016, 06:36:02 PM
Well done for dealing with it so well. It's ok to be emotional too, but I'm glad that it didn't make you too sad or worried. :)
Oh, it certainly made me quite sad and took away my appetite completely. The only difference is that instead of having an emotional breakdown, I can be more logical about it. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my husband wants to be a little female sometimes. I don't like it, then again I'm certain there are things I do that he doesn't like (not eating on a regular basis is one of them, I know). Relationships are about compromise. I'm working on dealing with the compromises that I have to make.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 19, 2016, 06:45:25 PM
Oh, it certainly made me quite sad and took away my appetite completely. The only difference is that instead of having an emotional breakdown, I can be more logical about it. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my husband wants to be a little female sometimes. I don't like it, then again I'm certain there are things I do that he doesn't like (not eating on a regular basis is one of them, I know). Relationships are about compromise. I'm working on dealing with the compromises that I have to make.
I think it is called progress, good on you for being able to handle things the way you did. I read in a book once a statement that went something like
"When the husband comes out of the closet the wife goes in"
From the reading I have done it would appear there is nothing unusual about feeling the way you do, many spouses have reported feeling exactly as you do. You are doing fine and one of the biggest positives I see is that you are trying so hard to make this work despite how you feel about it. Hugs
Elizabeth K
It's certainly not helping that it's been days since he's touched me. I'm trying not to read too much into that, either.
Well, I've never been married and never had to deal with coming out to a SO so take with a pinch of salt. It's a hard situation for those of us who deal with this problem to open up about it . I should of started my transition many years ago , but was unable to tell anyone . I needed to talk to a therapist , but because of other problems I had which might of had the root cause of gender malfunction as the problem, I was unable to tell and talk about it. Those of us who have this conflict can have a very difficult time with acknowledging it to someone else.
He came out to me a month ago and he's been affectionate since then. It's the past week that he hasn't wanted to touch me. I know we all go through highs and lows, so I'm hoping that's all this is. He's been pretty stressed out at work, which isn't helping an already stressful situation. I certainly know how that goes - my work last month had me living in hell.
I'm hoping we get some downtime this weekend and a chance to reconnect.
well, it's hard , but the best thing to do is get it all out.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 15, 2016, 03:47:11 PM
It's just all seems hopeless some days. And it hurts so much. He still refers to himself with male pronouns in real life, though he has switched back & forth on here. His plan is to never fully transition, but to lose the bulk of his masculinity to become more androgynous in appearance. At least that's what I've been told. I want to believe that since that's what we agreed to together. Some days it seems quite the opposite - so many new clothes have arrived in the past few weeks, talks about gaffs... It's too much. I feel like I'm watching my husband fade away. The man I love, who says he loves me, is being replaced by a stranger.
Sorry. I'm not usually one for a pity party. It's just been a rough few days and Valentines Day combined with our anniversary hasn't helped.
I just read you thread and I relate to what you are saying in this one:(
Although I ended up coming to terms with full acceptance of anything to do with her transition my now ex partner. I can hear your pain and I know exactly how you feel.
I'm always here if you wish to chat :) hugs X
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman
Hi,
The transition process for a spouce of a transgered person can have the elements of the five stages of loss and grief: Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. My experience is that they don't always go in order either.
I'm a transgendered MTF who is still married. We've been in transition for four years. I intentionally slowed down to keep my wife. It has not been easy for either of us. But we are closer than ever.
I'm thinking your spouce is being self absorbed. That needs to stop NOW. If she is to do her part, you need to be involved every step of the way and the two of you decide the pace of transition togather.
One more thing...I went to an on-line couples councilor. Are you open to this? It worked for my wife and I because the councilor got me to focus on more than just me. I can send contact information if you would like. There are also other councilors out there.
Lastly, I get the attraction part. I don't like men at all. I don't know what I would do if I were suddenly married to a guy.
Hugs,
Jen
Quote from: jamiej on February 22, 2016, 11:21:22 AM
I just read you thread and I relate to what you are saying in this one:(
Although I ended up coming to terms with full acceptance of anything to do with her transition my now ex partner. I can hear your pain and I know exactly how you feel.
I'm always here if you wish to chat :) hugs X
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman
Thanks for that. I'm in a much better headspace now that my anti-anxiety meds have kicked in. Yesterday was a month since he came out to me. Apparently that's some sort of monumental milestone to survive, so yay us.
We had to run to the store for a couple of things, including body wash for him since he ran out. He's been using heavily scented men's stuff like Axe and the like. Yesterday I suggested the Olay stuff since he wants to moisturize his skin. He was going to get that, but then decided on one that was more androgynous. I commend myself for not only suggesting it, but not having a freak out over it.
If he keeps to his word about going more androgynous and less feminine, then I'll survive it and so shall our marriage. I know he wants to eventually, well probably sooner than later, start wearing women's clothes around the house. That will take some time for me to get used to, but I'll be fine with it - to me clothes are just a societal necessity more than anything else. But, I shall cross that bridge when I get to it.
Still a bit miffed that he bought a dress for himself that I picked out for me (I didn't get it after that), but he saw it first and such is this life. ;) I'm sure it will happen again and again in the future.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 22, 2016, 01:32:32 PM
Thanks for that. I'm in a much better headspace now that my anti-anxiety meds have kicked in. Yesterday was a month since he came out to me. Apparently that's some sort of monumental milestone to survive, so yay us.
We had to run to the store for a couple of things, including body wash for him since he ran out. He's been using heavily scented men's stuff like Axe and the like. Yesterday I suggested the Olay stuff since he wants to moisturize his skin. He was going to get that, but then decided on one that was more androgynous. I commend myself for not only suggesting it, but not having a freak out over it.
If he keeps to his word about going more androgynous and less feminine, then I'll survive it and so shall our marriage. I know he wants to eventually, well probably sooner than later, start wearing women's clothes around the house. That will take some time for me to get used to, but I'll be fine with it - to me clothes are just a societal necessity more than anything else. But, I shall cross that bridge when I get to it.
Still a bit miffed that he bought a dress for himself that I picked out for me (I didn't get it after that), but he saw it first and such is this life. ;) I'm sure it will happen again and again in the future.
It's great to hear a positive tone in your post. You did an exceptional job, and yes "YAY you guys" you made the first month great going. This is a tough gig!!! It is great that the meds have helped because you are having a pretty hard time but it seems, coming through magnificently with a kind and well placed suggestion about the moisturiser.
I have arrived at the breakfast table before wearing the exact same casual outfit as my wife...doh! She has played it down in the past and insisted I not change but she discreetly disappeared and changes if I don't. But I can assure you the first time it happened there were a few tears shed, a few cross words but we moved forward.
You are doing fantastic
Elizabeth K
Quote from: JLT1 on February 22, 2016, 01:15:37 PM
Hi,
The transition process for a spouce of a transgered person can have the elements of the five stages of loss and grief: Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. My experience is that they don't always go in order either.
I'm a transgendered MTF who is still married. We've been in transition for four years. I intentionally slowed down to keep my wife. It has not been easy for either of us. But we are closer than ever.
I'm thinking your spouce is being self absorbed. That needs to stop NOW. If she is to do her part, you need to be involved every step of the way and the two of you decide the pace of transition togather.
One more thing...I went to an on-line couples councilor. Are you open to this? It worked for my wife and I because the councilor got me to focus on more than just me. I can send contact information if you would like. There are also other councilors out there.
Lastly, I get the attraction part. I don't like men at all. I don't know what I would do if I were suddenly married to a guy.
Hugs,
Jen
Yes, if you would be so kind as to PM me that info, I would greatly appreciate it. It's certainly something good to have on hand if we need it.
Also, thank you for the understanding on the attraction thing. Yes, you can still love the person inside, but you can't force the physical attraction. Lucky for me, he's not going there, so it won't be an issue.
Quote from: ElizabethK on February 22, 2016, 04:59:36 PM
It's great to hear a positive tone in your post. You did an exceptional job, and yes "YAY you guys" you made the first month great going. This is a tough gig!!! It is great that the meds have helped because you are having a pretty hard time but it seems, coming through magnificently with a kind and well placed suggestion about the moisturiser.
I have arrived at the breakfast table before wearing the exact same casual outfit as my wife...doh! She has played it down in the past and insisted I not change but she discreetly disappeared and changes if I don't. But I can assure you the first time it happened there were a few tears shed, a few cross words but we moved forward.
You are doing fantastic
Elizabeth K
The matching outfits comment made me giggle. I did point out to him that I wouldn't have gotten the same outfit as my best friend if she and I were shopping together either because it's just not what women do.
Most of the time I think I'm doing okay, even fairly good...others not so much. Each day is a big, scary roller coaster ride. But, I'm no longer freaking out over things. That's a lot to do with the meds, and a lot to do with the concessions he's giving me and slowing down for me. And a little to do with me coming to terms with it all and just accepting it as 'just another quirk' of the person I live with. Everybody has their quirks, my husband's just happens to be that he needs to be a bit girly sometimes. I think I can live with that.
glad your doing better
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 22, 2016, 01:32:32 PM
Thanks for that. I'm in a much better headspace now that my anti-anxiety meds have kicked in. Yesterday was a month since he came out to me. Apparently that's some sort of monumental milestone to survive, so yay us.
We had to run to the store for a couple of things, including body wash for him since he ran out. He's been using heavily scented men's stuff like Axe and the like. Yesterday I suggested the Olay stuff since he wants to moisturize his skin. He was going to get that, but then decided on one that was more androgynous. I commend myself for not only suggesting it, but not having a freak out over it.
If he keeps to his word about going more androgynous and less feminine, then I'll survive it and so shall our marriage. I know he wants to eventually, well probably sooner than later, start wearing women's clothes around the house. That will take some time for me to get used to, but I'll be fine with it - to me clothes are just a societal necessity more than anything else. But, I shall cross that bridge when I get to it.
Still a bit miffed that he bought a dress for himself that I picked out for me (I didn't get it after that), but he saw it first and such is this life. ;) I'm sure it will happen again and again in the future.
You're wonderful:) keep doing the little things:) whilst caring for you to!
I used to and actually still like to give my ex bras and woman things.
Keep strong :) together you can do this:)
Further up a lovely person mentioned your partner slowing down so you can keep up I agree:) you need to go through the process fully together:)
The SO feels allot of pain through all of this. Together you can make it:)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman
Well I don't know about anyone else but I think it's adorable you both wanted to buy the same dress :p
Sorry, I'm sure it sucks for you as you're still acclimating to such a huge change. But you're doing amazingly well, even going so far as to recommend a distinctly feminine body wash? Kudos to you. It always makes me happy to see people taking a bad situation and trying to make the best of it. It's something I'm certainly not able to do all the time!
Yesterday evening was my first meeting with the gender therapist. I think it well very well. I scheduled 2 more appointments over the next month.
We discussed my initial reaction to the news, how I was completely taken by surprise, how I've been handling things, what I would like to see happen, what I feel I need to do if the worst possible outcome becomes a reality, and many other things. All in all, she feels I'm handling things about as well as can be expected and reassured me that I'm not crazy or being unreasonable in my expectations. It was nice to hear that from an experienced, licensed professional.
I know there's still a lot of work to be done and we have a very long way to go, but the task seems a little less insurmountable.
that's good. I like my therapist a lot , I see her once a week
Quote from: stephaniec on February 24, 2016, 01:00:59 PM
that's good. I like my therapist a lot , I see her once a week
I figure I'll see her every couple of weeks (I'm going to the same therapist as my husband, I figured that would give us both greater benefit since we both have signed forms saying she can talk to the other about us and use that in sessions) for the first couple of months and then drop off to once every month or so as I need it. I really don't see me going all that regularly since it's more of a support mechanism than a soul searching one for me. I just need an unbiased sounding board to let me know if I'm on a good path or not, and let me know if I'm over/under-reacting to situations. For the SO it's a whole different type of therapy than what the trans person needs.
That's good, so you noticed I was trans( just kidding)
Quote from: stephaniec on February 24, 2016, 01:14:31 PM
That's good, so you noticed I was trans( just kidding)
OMG, really?!?! I never would've noticed. LOL. :laugh:
thanks
It's been a few (busy) days, but I feel I owe an update. The last several days have been remarkably good. It seems we've moved past a bump and have settled into a bit of normalcy. I know we have many bumps in our future, but those too we shall traverse together.
A couple of days ago we needed to go shopping for a new suit for my husband. After picking that out along with some other men's clothing for him, I said I wanted to stop by the ladies under garments. They were having quite a sale. So, along with picking out a few things in my size, I picked out a few in his. As we were getting in the car he made a half joking comment about him being proud of me for not freaking out by doing that. I reminded him that I really don't care if he wants to wear his or hers underwear - it's all the same to me and so long as he doesn't steal mine, I'm fine with whatever he chooses to put on each day. :) When we arrived home, he opened his new corset that had arrived earlier. It reminded me that I still had a very expensive true Victorian one in my drawer that is now much too large for my (now) small size. He tried it on and it fit him, so I handed it over.
And so our lives continue...
that's nice
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 27, 2016, 12:55:19 PM
It's been a few (busy) days, but I feel I owe an update. The last several days have been remarkably good. It seems we've moved past a bump and have settled into a bit of normalcy. I know we have many bumps in our future, but those too we shall traverse together.
A couple of days ago we needed to go shopping for a new suit for my husband. After picking that out along with some other men's clothing for him, I said I wanted to stop by the ladies under garments. They were having quite a sale. So, along with picking out a few things in my size, I picked out a few in his. As we were getting in the car he made a half joking comment about him being proud of me for not freaking out by doing that. I reminded him that I really don't care if he wants to wear his or hers underwear - it's all the same to me and so long as he doesn't steal mine, I'm fine with whatever he chooses to put on each day. :) When we arrived home, he opened his new corset that had arrived earlier. It reminded me that I still had a very expensive true Victorian one in my drawer that is now much to large for my (now) small size. He tried it on and it fit him, so I handed it over.
And so our lives continue...
Sharing is caring :D
I've noticed the last few days I've been very withdrawn from everything again - as if I'm avoiding the world in general, though primarily social interaction unless forced. I just seem to be more anxious than usual and waiting for the next shoe (high heel/pump?) to drop. I don't know why, I just am. Perhaps it's because things have mostly slipped back to the way they were before I found out he suffered from TG to the point that life seems rather normal and comfortable again, but, yet I know it's bound to explode in my face anytime.
Why, oh why can't I be happy and simply enjoy this reprieve from the hell I was previously in?
sorry your in this purgatory , It's difficult to say the least when you have no control over what's going on in your partners brain. Your partner probably doesn't exactly know what's going on. It took me a lifetime to sort things out because I couldn't turn to anyone for help and I didn't exactly know what was happening to me. Openness and counseling are probably your best bet.
Thank you. I'm trying to enjoy the present and not stress too much about the future, it's just very difficult. The anti-anxiety meds aren't helping as much as I had hoped. I've had one session with the gender therapist and I have another coming up early next week. Hopefully that tempers my anxiety a bit. I just have no idea what I'm supposed to talk to this person about. I'm not very good about letting people in - I've let very few people in life truly know me, and over half of those have hurt me quite a bit or betrayed me in some way. So, I have a very difficult time trusting people.
your therapist is a licensed professional. Just tell him/her what the problem is and be honest. you can't heal unless they know your concerns.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on March 05, 2016, 09:10:36 PM
I just have no idea what I'm supposed to talk to this person about. I'm not very good about letting people in - I've let very few people in life truly know me, and over half of those have hurt me quite a bit or betrayed me in some way. So, I have a very difficult time trusting people.
I think a lot of people feel this way when they first start therapy. At least I did. When people you cared about and trusted hurt you, how can you possibly let a stranger in? How much more likely are they to wreck up the place once they get in?
But a good therapist will ask the right questions and only go as deep and quick as you're comfortable. It took me a good 8 months to get to the point where I'm not scared about telling her things that make me vulnerable. I know that seems like a really long time, and is perhaps longer than you're willing to give, but it's not like she wasn't any help at all during that time. And it may not take that long for you.
As for what to talk about, I struggled with that too at first. If you have any expectations it might not be a bad idea to let them know up front so you can have a dialogue about it. But you can start with the same reason you made this thread, how you've dealt with it since being told, the day to day ups and downs. And it can be helpful to write down things you want to bring up at your appointments as they pop into your head during the time between appointments.
Take care!
I know I can't last 8 months in therapy. There's just not enough for me to talk about for an hour at a time for that long. I expect I might last 2 at most.
I did discuss the roller coaster that I've been on from day-to-day, hour-you-hour, and how frequently I end up crying myself to sleep on nights I don't over medicate with sleeping pills.
And we talked about how my trust issues are far worse now than they ever were - my last husband cheated on me for years, so that left more than a bit of trust issues when I already wasn't the most open and trusting individual. Honestly, I almost think I would've better dealt with my current husband cheating than telling me he suffers from TG. At least then I'd know what I was up against and how to work through it. But this, this is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my 46 years of life and if I had a magic wand, I'd make it all not exist, or at the very least, make it so I stayed ignorantly blind to it.
Anyway, I think jotting down what I'd like to cover is a good idea, especially since, after this next session, I'd like to start doing joint sessions with my husband. I think that's going to be the best approach for me since I despise dragging things out longer than necessary.
that's my attitude with therapy get to the core of the problem as fast as possible. your SO needs to compromise because honestly this is all one sided. Like I said you have every right to be you as much as your SO wants to be who she is. You can take or leave my opinion , it's your life. Your therapist should understand your side as much as the other. I'm pretty much pro wife in these cases , but see a tolerable level of compromise as the solution.
'He' my husband is a 'he' and he still uses male pronouns to refer to himself. And thankfully so since I could never bring myself to feminine pronouns anyway.
But yes, there has to and will be a compromise if we're to make this work. Some days I'm better at handling it than others. And I'm the first to admit that I haven't always been so successful in dealing with some of it. I primarily struggle when too much of it is thrown at me too soon. I feel there's no rush and no time limit on anything. Sometimes I think he wishes I would just accept all of it overnight because that would be much easier for him.
But, make no mistake, I will never compromise my core fundamentals - I will always remain true to myself above all else. It's the only way I will ever live my life.
well, let me say that I've never been married and my dysphoria has basically prevented me from any relationship for a very long time so my words need to be taken with a chunk of salt. I know there are a lot that don't see my view of things as far as wives and husbands responsibilities to themselves and their partners. I truly don't mean harm to anyone , but I too have strong principles on this subject which I know others don't agree with. To me this whole issue gets so sad because it's so complicated. Too much blame on both sides . The best thing is just understanding and acceptance of each others limits. What I have is basically a very difficult problem that I've lived with since I was 4 years old and I truly believe is the root cause for me never having a relationship after the age of 23. I'm 64 right now. I wish things were different , but I've learned to accept who I am. It's possible, although I don't know your husband , that his torment is equal or greater than mine. It is hell, but that in no way should infringe on your life outside of what's acceptable to you. Therapy should help a lot.
Last night was our first joint therapy session. After the therapist suggested a joint session, he looked uncomfortable and asked for a 1:1 first. I was a little hurt, but whatever. The session probably revealed a lot more about our private lives than I would have preferred as I know I went on the defensive after feeling ambushed, so I let it all out with no holds barred. At the end of it, I was expecting some 1:1 time of my own, but the therapist summarily announced we were done for the evening. That sort of made me feel like my time with her is less important and makes me question why I'm trying to work this out in therapy.
Anyway, a lot of things were brought to light that I've been holding back, so in a way that's good even though I know he didn't particularly want to hear them. It just reiterates to me that I need to keep more to myself for the greater good - if anyone ever knew what I was truly thinking at any minute, on any given day... well, it just wouldn't be nice for all involved. We did continue talking on the drive home and he keeps reiterating to me that I should be able to differentiate between gender and sexuality because he can. Seems that's much easier for most transgenders than it is for the vast majority of us because I truly can't - for me they're very much intertwined.
At the end of the night, I said I would keep my next two scheduled sessions with the therapist, but that I won't be scheduling anymore after that. She had told us last night that she wants to do individual sessions next time, and then another joint after that. At that point, I'll just join his when asked, and go back to journaling my thoughts and feelings privately. That seems safer to me.
maybe you should look into getting your own therapist and just doing the joint one's
I again need to say that I've never been married and I haven't had a relationship with anyone since the Neanderthal's were still eating Mastodon steaks so a shovel of salt is needed. You have an equal right to be heard. I know some will vehemently disagree with my advocacy for the view point of the wife , but I just feel that shutting out the wife's view is so utterly wrong. Therapy and objectivity seem to be very important in viewing this situation. I suspect for myself that I've never been able to form or even seek out a relationship because of transgender issues. It's a very difficult problem that I feel both partners need to see each others viewpoint honestly and openly.
He's compromising, too. It's just not a very fun situation for anyone involved. And it seems that regardless of intentions, someones always getting hurt at every turn.
As for getting a therapist of my own, I don't think so. I'm not bringing anyone else into this mess. I'll figure it out on my own - it's worked for me up until now, it will get me through the next 20 or 30 years (hopefully not more than that, because good grief, I don't want to live to see 80), I'm sure.
Also, going forward, I think I should post a lot less to the forum.
whatever lets you feel right.
I feel for you PrincessButtercup, I truly do. I wish i had some words of wisdom to help you, but I know nothing really helps. I just hope you hang in there, and it gets a little easier for you every day. <3
Quote from: LostHeart on March 14, 2016, 05:43:46 PM
I feel for you PrincessButtercup, I truly do. I wish i had some words of wisdom to help you, but I know nothing really helps. I just hope you hang in there, and it gets a little easier for you every day. <3
Oh, I'm not going anywhere and neither is he. We'll get through this like we do everything else - together.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on March 14, 2016, 05:51:03 PM
Oh, I'm not going anywhere and neither is he. We'll get through this like we do everything else - together.
I'm really glad to hear that. :)
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on March 14, 2016, 05:51:03 PM
Oh, I'm not going anywhere and neither is he. We'll get through this like we do everything else - together.
Yay:)
I have very much enjoyed talking to you, on and off the forum:)
I have my fingers and toes crossed for you and your husband xxx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman
I commend your efforts at being understanding. I can't imagine how hard your position must be...
Judging from your posts, there's a lot you aren't ready for, or comfortable with... I hope that you've never felt like you're "supposed" to be comfortable with certain things just to make someone else happy. I don't think that could ever work...
Your husband's gender issues are his own... You choose to support him, but please watch over your own emotional well-being, don't let it get to the point where his issues take control of your life... I know, it's easy for me to talk...
I've never gone through what you're going through, but I've been tormented by emotional grief before. If you're ever at a point where this is all you can think about and it's making you angry, try to distance your mind from it. Escapism, literally... Find something that lets you direct your thoughts away from it. It might seem like the end of the world, but it's really not... It's awful to be stuck "mourning" over the "loss" of something, but instead of dwelling on that, try to take time for yourself, get some distance between you and the problem.
I don't know the extent of your husband's gender issues, but, they're apparently serious enough to affect your marriage... from what I know and experienced, most people with intense gender dysphoria will not be satisfied unless they fully transition, they'll grow increasingly unhappy and resent the world.
He says he doesn't want to feminize himself or start any hormone treatments, but, does he want to feel like a woman? In what kind of setting? Unless this is some sort of sexual fetish for him, I'm skeptical about the thought of a more feminine appearance not crossing his mind. If he has the need to see himself as a woman sometimes, I find it hard to believe that his mental portrayal of that woman wears a dress while sporting a five-o-clock shadow.
No woman fantasizes about being burly or looking weird...
When I took my first steps at transitioning, it was much easier to convey to people that I was androgynous, than to tell them that I really could only function and be socially comfortable as a girl. Specially to people that had known me for a long-time, there was an element of shame around it, a fear of being a disappointment, having my feelings hurt by others' opinions, etc.
If you're not remotely flexible in your sexual orientation, then please, for your sake, try to always be aware of what's going on in his head as this situation progresses, to make sure that he withholds nothing. It's probably hard for him to be open, specially to someone that he loves and fears rejection from. I told my parents the "don't worry, I don't want boobs" line plenty of times. I did it because they were never reasonable with me, if they expressed contempt towards me owning a skirt, they obviously wouldn't be thrilled by the idea of me having to wear a bra...
I did the smart thing for me, I omitted what would make them uncomfortable and slowly pushed their boundaries until I got what I wanted. One day it was the clothes, the other day it was the hair... suddenly there was nothing weird about me having breasts anymore.
If you are unsure about what his milestones are, I think you should ask him in a situation where he feels comfortable opening up about his feelings. Being cool, showing no hints of being upset, displaying empathy... I think those promote complete honesty...
I hope I'm not alarming you, I'm just trying to suggest that hoping for the best while being ready for the worst is a good defense mechanism, it'll shield you from the possibility of feeling disappointed again.
It's quite possible that he just wants to be androgynous and finds his inner peace there. There's girly girls, there's tomboys, there's manly boys and femboys... Gender seems to be a spectrum, it doesn't deal with just two polar extremes, so, gender dysphoria doesn't really imply a need to be on either one end or the other...
Just be aware that his feelings and goals might also change overtime. I think the tendency would be for him to be more comfortable exposing them to you.
In the end, he has a problem that he's trying to find an answer to, and, sadly you were dragged into it. I'm hoping that you can always be honest with yourself, regarding what you're sure to be okay with and what you might not like... I'm sure the situation will get easier overtime, as long as you assess if this relationship will fulfill you in the future, and if his direction in life makes him happier.
I wish you both the best, you undoubtedly care about each other a lot =)
Quote from: Mermaid on March 23, 2016, 03:10:52 AM
Judging from your posts, there's a lot you aren't ready for, or comfortable with... I hope that you've never felt like you're "supposed" to be comfortable with certain things just to make someone else happy. I don't think that could ever work...
No worries there. I've indicated multiple times what I am comfortable with and what I can tolerate - I've never once waivered, so there is no mixed signals coming from me. I said yes to crossdressing on occasion, I said yes to no body hair, I said yes to feminine hygeine products. I said no to any surgeries or hormones that alter his body. I'm not into women. The thought of being with one positively disgusts me. That's been my stance for the past 2 months and it's not going to change in the next 40 years.
Quote from: Mermaid on March 23, 2016, 03:10:52 AM
Your husband's gender issues are his own...
They are indeed his own and as I informed his gender therapist last night, I'm no longer giving them any dominion over my happiness. I can't fix his issues and I can't let them control my day-to-day life. I need to get back to living my life and not hiding from it and everyone in it.
Quote from: Mermaid on March 23, 2016, 03:10:52 AM
I don't know the extent of your husband's gender issues, but, they're apparently serious enough to affect your marriage... from what I know and experienced, most people with intense gender dysphoria will not be satisfied unless they fully transition, they'll grow increasingly unhappy and resent the world.
He says he feels neither male nor female, but a bit of both. I would put him in non-binary, a term his therapist was completely unfamiliar with - I suspect she may not be the right person for the job.
Quote from: Mermaid on March 23, 2016, 03:10:52 AM
If you're not remotely flexible in your sexual orientation, then please, for your sake, try to always be aware of what's going on in his head as this situation progresses, to make sure that he withholds nothing. It's probably hard for him to be open, specially to someone that he loves and fears rejection from. I told my parents the "don't worry, I don't want boobs" line plenty of times. I did it because they were never reasonable with me, if they expressed contempt towards me owning a skirt, they obviously wouldn't be thrilled by the idea of me having to wear a bra...
I did the smart thing for me, I omitted what would make them uncomfortable and slowly pushed their boundaries until I got what I wanted. One day it was the clothes, the other day it was the hair... suddenly there was nothing weird about me having breasts anymore.
Funny you mention slowly pushing the boundaries and introducing things over a period of time - that's exactly what his therapist told me last night that she suggested to him - that he slowly push me to be where he wants me to be. I literally laughed in her face because if anyone thinks I'm that malleable they're quite delusional and more than a bit crazy. It's not going to happen and even she admits after only talking to me 3 times, that she knows I'm not that type of person and it will never work on me. I know myself, I know what I like, I know what I want from life. I gave up plenty (things I'm not delving into here) in the beginning of this relationship just to be with him. Things that were a key part of my life enjoyment. It was a compromise I chose to make because it's things he's not comfortable with. Now it's his turn to compromise.
Quote from: Mermaid on March 23, 2016, 03:10:52 AM
If you are unsure about what his milestones are, I think you should ask him in a situation where he feels comfortable opening up about his feelings.
He has no idea what his milestones are, just that he's not going to transition to a woman because it's not what he wants/needs. He's still trying to come to terms with all this in his head. I have asked him, he simply doesn't know.
Quote from: Mermaid on March 23, 2016, 03:10:52 AM
I hope I'm not alarming you, I'm just trying to suggest that hoping for the best while being ready for the worst is a good defense mechanism, it'll shield you from the possibility of feeling disappointed again.
It's quite possible that he just wants to be androgynous and finds his inner peace there. There's girly girls, there's tomboys, there's manly boys and femboys... Gender seems to be a spectrum, it doesn't deal with just two polar extremes, so, gender dysphoria doesn't really imply a need to be on either one end or the other...
I'm beyond getting alarmed. I've moved to tolerance. It is what it is. I hope we can stay together, but I'm to the point that if we can't both ultimately be moderately happy, then I've prepared myself mentally for that as well. It will suck for both of us, but so would making each other miserable or one resenting the other. He says his primary goal is to keep our marriage intact and that's my goal as well. Hence, we both compromise a little on some things and a lot on others.
Quote from: Mermaid on March 23, 2016, 03:10:52 AM
Just be aware that his feelings and goals might also change overtime. I think the tendency would be for him to be more comfortable exposing them to you.
In the end, he has a problem that he's trying to find an answer to, and, sadly you were dragged into it. I'm hoping that you can always be honest with yourself, regarding what you're sure to be okay with and what you might not like... I'm sure the situation will get easier overtime, as long as you assess if this relationship will fulfill you in the future, and if his direction in life makes him happier.
I wish you both the best, you undoubtedly care about each other a lot =)
His feelings and goals may very well change over time. Mine will not. That's the great thing about taking the time to know yourself at the deepest level, you know what you want, what you won't accept, and you get to make unalterable statements like this - if in 5 years he gets to the point that he has to transition, well then, I guess he'll be down a spouse, but eventually have a friend. Hopefully it never comes to that, but nobody knows the future whether they're trans of not. If I could know that, I'd be holding a winning lottery ticket every week.
As for getting easier over time, does it really get easier for the spouse or do we just learn to tolerate it better, to not let it be the focal point of everything? I'm not sure which is the actual answer as I'm sure it differs from couple to couple, person to person. I'm not sure I'll ever think this is easy and it's certainly not something I'm going to look back on in years and have a chuckle over. It sucks. It just royally sucks. It sucks for the spouse, it sucks for the transgender people - it just sucks. If I could abolish ->-bleeped-<- from the world, I would. If there was a miracle drug that people could be given at birth to prevent it, I'd be 100% behind it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and I have a few people I absolutely despise.
here is an interesting news story that may or may not put things into perspective from your husbands point of view
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,206603.0.html
Quote from: stephaniec on March 23, 2016, 10:11:19 AM
here is an interesting news story that may or may not put things into perspective from your husbands point of view
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,206603.0.html
It doesn't, but thanks for trying.
I've resigned myself to tolerance. That's my goal - tolerating what I've agreed to.
Thursday of last week I decided during a morning yoga class that I wanted to get a mani-pedi after work. I asked my husband if he wanted to get one too. He did. It was only his second pedicure and the first since coming out to me. The first one he new he was trans, but hadn't told me yet, so he only got clear polish. This time he went for bright colors for each. It didn't bother me, though I can't say I agree with the bright yellow-green, but it's his choice and he wanted to have fun with it and that's okay.
Later that same day we were talking and he said the prior month he told his youngest about his condition. I was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. I'm mortified she's going to get angry with one of us and use it as punishment by telling family members that we don't want to know. Can't really change that now, so we'll deal with it when it comes.
We also talked about his dysphoria and how it only occasionally rears its ugly head - that he definitely considers himself genderfluid and it's only occasionally that he feels female. Still working on identifying what triggers that, or at least I'm still trying to decipher what to put on the list. I must admit, finally hearing him iterate what I've known all along was a great relief.
And so we journey on to another day...
Up, down, round and round... this ride makes me nauseous. I really want my old, boring, life back. It was comfortable like a pair of well worn jeans.
hopefully a safe passage
Quote from: stephaniec on April 12, 2016, 09:56:22 AM
hopefully a safe passage
One can only hope. It was a long night of heated discussion going far to late into the morning hours. Today I feel like a sad, exhausted zombie. That's sort of become my new norm, I guess.
Oh well, the days are getting warmer - soon enough I'll be able to disappear for hours at time on my beloved motorcycle. At least there my mind is quiet - or as quiet as it can be with loud music blasting in my helmet.
Today marks 3 months since he came out to me, or as I say, purgatory began. Either I'm getting better at ignoring it all, or things have quieted down around here because it doesn't bother me as much as it once did. It no longer permeates every waking moment of every day. That's an improvement. I still wish it didn't exist, but I can't change the fact that it does. All I can control is how much I allow it to affect my day to day life, and for that I'm choosing not at all.
And life goes on...
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on April 21, 2016, 05:17:10 PM
Today marks 3 months since he came out to me, or as I say, purgatory began. Either I'm getting better at ignoring it all, or things have quieted down around here because it doesn't bother me as much as it once did. It no longer permeates every waking moment of every day. That's an improvement. I still wish it didn't exist, but I can't change the fact that it does. All I can control is how much I allow it to affect my day to day life, and for that I'm choosing not at all.
And life goes on...
That's s really positive attitude:)
Quote from: jamiej on April 21, 2016, 06:23:59 PM
That's s really positive attitude:)
Yes, except I am failing miserably at letting it not control me. In fact I've slightly slipped back into hostile and angry. Not as much as before, but I'd still like to obliterate trans anything from my world and put it all back to normal.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on May 01, 2016, 01:36:25 AM
Yes, except I am failing miserably at letting it not control me. In fact I've slightly slipped back into hostile and angry. Not as much as before, but I'd still like to obliterate trans anything from my world and put it all back to normal.
I can understand that:) it gets to a point of acceptance or not:)
I am at full acceptance. I think of you often:) I understand where you are at:)
Quote from: jamiej on May 01, 2016, 02:29:20 AM
I can understand that:) it gets to a point of acceptance or not:)
I am at full acceptance. I think of you often:) I understand where you are at:)
i think about the only thing I will ever accept is that things will forever be abnormal. Tolerance is what I strive for. I will tolerate what I've agreed to, nothing more, because I will never accept it nor like it.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on May 01, 2016, 11:25:56 AM
i think about the only thing I will ever accept is that things will forever be abnormal. Tolerance is what I strive for. I will tolerate what I've agreed to, nothing more, because I will never accept it nor like it.
Hi:)
That's completely fair, only you know what is OK by you:)
X
PrincessButtercup,
Reading what you've written hits so close to home. I feel the way you have expressed, which is that I have no interest whatsoever in women. You have it slightly (only minimally) better than me because your husband feels androgynous/non-binary. My boyfriend (he has said he's unsure of pronouns and won't ask me to change) of 6 years told me he wants androgyny, but it turns out he wants a female body that he can dress in masculine or feminine clothing. He doesn't want to be girly or frilly, but he does want a female body. He is unwilling to compromise, saying that he has to do this for his mental health and well-being.
I'm devastated. This all started a month ago with him saying he was non-binary, and then two weeks ago he admitted he wants to transition to a woman. It has been two weeks of torment so far.
I just want to thank you because your pain, your words, your reality -- they've rung true for me so far, and I'm heartbroken. There are so many encouraging people on this forum who urge that love is genderless, that two people can be together no matter what, but it's refreshing to know I'm not alone in disagreeing. Yes, I will always love him, but it may not be romantically.
So thank you. I wish both of us strength, whatever happens. I need so much support right now, and I'm already in therapy for other issues. My boyfriend keeps crying and apologizing about hurting me, saying he just wishes he could be normal. I, too, wish for a pill that would eradicate transgender thoughts, just giving people the body they'd be happiest with from the beginning. He'd either have been a cisgender male and we'd be perfectly fine, or he'd have the female body he's recently discovered he wants, and we never would have entered into a romantic relationship. I don't mean to hijack your thread with my own circumstances, but I'm glad you decided to post here and be blunt about your feelings.
Quote from: Black Winged Roses on May 08, 2016, 04:23:41 AM
PrincessButtercup,
Reading what you've written hits so close to home. I feel the way you have expressed, which is that I have no interest whatsoever in women. You have it slightly (only minimally) better than me because your husband feels androgynous/non-binary. My boyfriend (he has said he's unsure of pronouns and won't ask me to change) of 6 years told me he wants androgyny, but it turns out he wants a female body that he can dress in masculine or feminine clothing. He doesn't want to be girly or frilly, but he does want a female body. He is unwilling to compromise, saying that he has to do this for his mental health and well-being.
I'm devastated. This all started a month ago with him saying he was non-binary, and then two weeks ago he admitted he wants to transition to a woman. It has been two weeks of torment so far.
I just want to thank you because your pain, your words, your reality -- they've rung true for me so far, and I'm heartbroken. There are so many encouraging people on this forum who urge that love is genderless, that two people can be together no matter what, but it's refreshing to know I'm not alone in disagreeing. Yes, I will always love him, but it may not be romantically.
So thank you. I wish both of us strength, whatever happens. I need so much support right now, and I'm already in therapy for other issues. My boyfriend keeps crying and apologizing about hurting me, saying he just wishes he could be normal. I, too, wish for a pill that would eradicate transgender thoughts, just giving people the body they'd be happiest with from the beginning. He'd either have been a cisgender male and we'd be perfectly fine, or he'd have the female body he's recently discovered he wants, and we never would have entered into a romantic relationship. I don't mean to hijack your thread with my own circumstances, but I'm glad you decided to post here and be blunt about your feelings.
You are most certainly not hijacking anything. The very reason I post in this thread is so others will realize that there's nothing wrong with refusing to accept the 'genderless love' approach. For those that have, kudos for them, but for many of us that's not how we're wired and it doesn't make us selfish or bad people - in fact, I sort of feel like it makes us very honest people for admitting it.
I'm truly sorry that you've been dragged into this hellish nightmare. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It just sucks for us.
I will PM you my email address. Feel free to use it anytime you need to vent and want to do so outside the spotlight of a forum post. Just know that there are many SO's who feel just like us.
Reading posts from other people reminds me that Im not alone either. I just wish that my partner understood how much this affected me and didn't abandon me when I did not abandon them. I hope that we can all stay strong. :-\
Quote from: Black Winged Roses on May 08, 2016, 04:23:41 AM
PrincessButtercup,
Reading what you've written hits so close to home. I feel the way you have expressed, which is that I have no interest whatsoever in women. You have it slightly (only minimally) better than me because your husband feels androgynous/non-binary. My boyfriend (he has said he's unsure of pronouns and won't ask me to change) of 6 years told me he wants androgyny, but it turns out he wants a female body that he can dress in masculine or feminine clothing. He doesn't want to be girly or frilly, but he does want a female body. He is unwilling to compromise, saying that he has to do this for his mental health and well-being.
I'm devastated. This all started a month ago with him saying he was non-binary, and then two weeks ago he admitted he wants to transition to a woman. It has been two weeks of torment so far.
I just want to thank you because your pain, your words, your reality -- they've rung true for me so far, and I'm heartbroken. There are so many encouraging people on this forum who urge that love is genderless, that two people can be together no matter what, but it's refreshing to know I'm not alone in disagreeing. Yes, I will always love him, but it may not be romantically.
So thank you. I wish both of us strength, whatever happens. I need so much support right now, and I'm already in therapy for other issues. My boyfriend keeps crying and apologizing about hurting me, saying he just wishes he could be normal. I, too, wish for a pill that would eradicate transgender thoughts, just giving people the body they'd be happiest with from the beginning. He'd either have been a cisgender male and we'd be perfectly fine, or he'd have the female body he's recently discovered he wants, and we never would have entered into a romantic relationship. I don't mean to hijack your thread with my own circumstances, but I'm glad you decided to post here and be blunt about your feelings.
I am another one who does not accept that I need to stay with my husband as he transitions, no matter how slowly or quickly, simply because we are married and have been married for nearly 23 years. Like you, I too am not attracted to females and my husband both says he accepts that and agrees with me that he knows I'm not attracted to females yet he still wants me to somehow come around to accepting him as a female and continue the relationship without anything else changing. How is one supposed to cuddle up to a female body and touch bits one does not want to be there instead of the bits that should be there? He says simply put your arms lower and I'm like why should I? If he gets what he wants out of going down this path am I not also entitled to get what I want? Unfortunately he has always been selfish and narcissistic which is one major thing that annoys me about him.
My husband has always been a cross dresser and did explain it to me initially as hoping his parents were wrong at the age of 4 when they said he was a boy because he wanted to be a girl then. That should have set off alarm bells in my head but sadly it didn't because I was naive enough to believe him when he said he could beat it/control it. He wants a female body and it used to be so he would fit the clothes better but now he's starting to tell me it's not about the clothes but how you feel on the inside so I'm seeing that as some kind of desperate attempt to keep me by his side. It has taken him many months to work out that it is all real and to see his own behaviour for what it is and accept that he truly is transgender while the rest of us around him were waiting for him to catch up as we could see it.
Our relationship has been described by us as two control freaks constantly battling for control although it's not always constant as we both only fight over controls we really want and let the other lead some of the time without complaint. As a result of this our relationship has always been volatile but it was a lot better before we had kids than after. I ascribe some of that to his selfishness and not wanting to share me with kids because he thinks he should be more important to me than they are. If you were able to listen to him having a conversation it's all about "me" with no room for anyone else as he always puts himself first without necessarily meaning to.
Black Winged Roses, I love your last paragraph as quoted above because we have been doing that too at times when our communication has been better as sometimes it still sucks a bit. We cry together sometimes about how unfair it all is too so you are not alone there. All I have promised him at the moment is that I will try one day at a time to keep communication open and talk to him about anything/everything as openly as possible. That is hard though.
I have read the entire thread previously and remember thinking that I really wanted to pipe up and say something too about how your lives are similar to mine in some ways although I can't honestly remember what exactly I wanted to say. I just want to show you that you have my support as well and I am grateful to have yours too :).
Last week, after his therapy session, my husband told me that he and and his therapist discussed how he's actually been quite happy with where he's at and he definitely feels like he doesn't need anything more - at least for now. The 'for now' thing is what always lurks at the back of my mind and prevents me from enjoying the present. What if, in a few years, he decides that underwear, along with the occasional lingerie and nail polish isn't enough? What then? I don't want anything else and don't think I could even pretend to not be repulsed by it. Ah well, no one really knows what the future holds anyway. For now, I'm trying to work on being able to semi-enjoy the present and not making too many specific long term plans. Trying to repair the damage done is exhausting enough. I know I should be grateful that there's at least a glimmer of hope for some sort of semi-normal life, but honestly, I really wish I could erase the last 4+ months and remain oblivious to it all. He's a guy and identifies as such, I guess I'll just count that as a blessing and try to keep moving forward one day at a time. I know I'm coming out of this craptastic ordeal a lot better off than some of the spouses because I get to keep my husband instead of getting a wife I never wanted pushed on me, and for this I am truly grateful if for no other reason than I really don't need to add the stress of another divorce right now.
On a positive note, since he told me that he's content with how things are, I've at least been sleeping better. I'm down to only 3 Unisom instead of 4 or 5, and only need to add an Ambien to those once or twice a week instead of almost every night. You know you're life is in shambles when it takes 5 Unisom and a higher dose Ambien before you can fall asleep.
hoping for the best.
Hi PB,
Glad you and your husband seem to be in a reasonably good place right now with him not wanting to go any further with transitioning "for now".
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on May 16, 2016, 03:30:07 PM
The 'for now' thing is what always lurks at the back of my mind and prevents me from enjoying the present. What if, in a few years, he decides that underwear, along with the occasional lingerie and nail polish isn't enough? What then? I don't want anything else and don't think I could even pretend to not be repulsed by it.
Sadly I lived with that "for now" thing for quite a few years before it reared its ugly head again. My husband began to wear women's underwear more and more often until it became the only underwear he wears, and that was about ten years ago that he went full time in women's underwear. It was a sad day for me when I packed the men's underwear into bags to be donated to a local charity.
If your husband does change his current stance and begin to move further toward transitioning then you should not hide how you feel about it at all. Hopefully you and your husband are closely enough connected that you keep your lines of communication open no matter what happens, as my husband and I have gotten a lot better at communicating over the last few months than we ever were in the last 22 odd years. I do not hide my revulsion or amusement if that is what I feel or am thinking and he says he is grateful that I am being honest about how I feel.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on May 16, 2016, 03:30:07 PM
Ah well, no one really knows what the future holds anyway. For now, I'm trying to work on being able to semi-enjoy the present and not making too many specific long term plans. Trying to repair the damage done is exhausting enough. I know I should be grateful that there's at least a glimmer of hope for some sort of semi-normal life, but honestly, I really wish I could erase the last 4+ months and remain oblivious to it all.
That's true that nobody knows what the future will hold and anything is possible. I am at present just trying to get through from one day to the next without totally falling apart in some ways, and dealing with the gamut of emotions this rollercoaster ride is making me feel. I don't think it's possible to "repair the damage" as the relationship has changed forever now and will never go back to what it was. We must change and adapt ourselves to the changes in our relationships.
I too wish I could erase all of this transgender stuff too as it started with the clothes and has grown into so much more.
My husband now gets his nails done regularly in shellac and wears women's earrings every day. He has long hair that he loves and I believe is still in denial about me not wanting to be with a woman and being serious about wanting him to face the very real possibility for us of separation and divorce. That won't be easy since neither of us have been through it before, but it remains at the forefront of my mind. Even if I wanted to I worked out a long time ago that I could not take the obsession with women's clothes away from my husband without virtually destroying everything that makes him him. It's a very sad situation I find myself in and I hope that you don't end up down this path too.
Love
Sandy
Quote from: Hazardus01 on May 17, 2016, 09:24:46 AM
Hi PB,
Glad you and your husband seem to be in a reasonably good place right now with him not wanting to go any further with transitioning "for now".
Sadly I lived with that "for now" thing for quite a few years before it reared its ugly head again. My husband began to wear women's underwear more and more often until it became the only underwear he wears, and that was about ten years ago that he went full time in women's underwear. It was a sad day for me when I packed the men's underwear into bags to be donated to a local charity.
I don't really care about the underwear, the only real drawback is that women's underwear costs more than men's. I know more than a few perfectly normal men who wear women's undies for varying reasons - they fit better, more comfortable, or they just prefer the fabric; so, that really doesn't have much effect on me.
Quote from: Hazardus01 on May 17, 2016, 09:24:46 AM
If your husband does change his current stance and begin to move further toward transitioning then you should not hide how you feel about it at all. Hopefully you and your husband are closely enough connected that you keep your lines of communication open no matter what happens, as my husband and I have gotten a lot better at communicating over the last few months than we ever were in the last 22 odd years. I do not hide my revulsion or amusement if that is what I feel or am thinking and he says he is grateful that I am being honest about how I feel.
Oh, no worries on me hiding how I feel or what I think. I'm known for many things, but sugar coating definitely isn't one of them. When I stood before friends and said "I do" it was to the question beginning with "Do you take this man..." and that's what I agreed to - a man. I've been divorced twice and at this point, I'm quite efficient at it. My 2nd one was finalized when I was 36. That was 10 years ago. I have no problem doing it again if I have to. I won't stay in a relationship I don't want to be in for anyone or any reason. Life's too short to have a completely sexless life and I don't want a platonic relationship with my spouse. I have friends for those relationships. It's either PIV sex or adios. That probably seems harsh to some, but that's how I roll.
Quote from: Hazardus01 on May 17, 2016, 09:24:46 AM
That's true that nobody knows what the future will hold and anything is possible. I am at present just trying to get through from one day to the next without totally falling apart in some ways, and dealing with the gamut of emotions this rollercoaster ride is making me feel. I don't think it's possible to "repair the damage" as the relationship has changed forever now and will never go back to what it was. We must change and adapt ourselves to the changes in our relationships.
And that rollercoaster just sucks the energy from you. I noticed a couple of months ago that my eyes no longer shine when I smile. It's all too noticeable to those close to me that it's all forced. And I've gained a few pounds and that really annoys the crap out of me because I used to be really fat and I worked darn hard to shed that weight. I really resent that fact that I gained 10 lbs over this mess. All I can say is to hang in there and never stop looking out for you and your best interests. Always make your needs known and if they aren't being met on the most basic level, then it's time to decide whether or not you're going to walk away. Say it and mean it. That's what I did.
[/quote]
Quote from: Hazardus01 on May 17, 2016, 09:24:46 AM
I too wish I could erase all of this transgender stuff too as it started with the clothes and has grown into so much more.
My husband now gets his nails done regularly in shellac and wears women's earrings every day. He has long hair that he loves and I believe is still in denial about me not wanting to be with a woman and being serious about wanting him to face the very real possibility for us of separation and divorce. That won't be easy since neither of us have been through it before, but it remains at the forefront of my mind. Even if I wanted to I worked out a long time ago that I could not take the obsession with women's clothes away from my husband without virtually destroying everything that makes him him. It's a very sad situation I find myself in and I hope that you don't end up down this path too.
Love
Sandy
If I do end up down that path, it won't be for very long. I will never make myself that miserable just to please someone else. While it might be unfair to ask the trans person to change what they want or think they need, it's also completely unfair to ask us to change as well. We married men for a reason. If we wanted to be with women, then we would've married a woman. It really is that black and white for me.
Stay strong and stay true to yourself!
It's been over a year since a nuclear bomb decimated my life, I guess it's time for a bit of an update. After being completely miserable for the entirety of 2016, I started off 2017 with a much more organized house, both physically and emotionally.
After promising me that the shopping would cease, of course more things arrived 'because they were on sale' and 'was stuff he had wanted to get' when he was ordering clothes, lingerie, etc to the tune of several packages arriving every other week it seemed. Columbus Day we had several contractors in doing the year-end maintenance items on our new house. I took a break and went to the mailbox where a package of clothing was sitting just waiting to be collected. I gave it to him thinking it was a Halloween costume I knew he had ordered. When he didn't open it immediately, I asked if it was stuff I didn't want to know about. I knew the answer from the look on his face. That's when he gave me excuses. I took my wedding rings off that night and haven't put them back on sense. He broke his promise and I knew he was never intending to actually keep it. He never noticed until I finally pointed it out the day after our wedding anniversary. Four months later and those rings are still sitting untouched in my jewelry box. I no longer even miss the weight of them on my hand.
By Thanksgiving I couldn't stand going into our shared closet and would become overcome with a feeling of complete dread every morning and night because of the women's clothes he had hanging on his side. I constantly worried that friends would see them when he or I were showing them the house. I finally reached a breaking point. I went to the local hardware store and bought a couple of storage totes while he was gone for a week long business trip. I packed up all the shoes, dresses, and lingerie - so much lingerie... much more than I knew about. I stuffed it all into two totes and left them sitting in his home office. If he wanted to see them or interact with them, he could do it in the privacy of his office, far away from me. After about 6 weeks had passed, he moved them to the storage room where they're shoved in the back corner of a shelf. He never mentioned it.
A few days before our fifth anniversary another package arrived. It was badly torn and I knew he was expecting a jacket, so I opened it the rest of the way (didn't really take much). Inside was a man's jacket and 3 dresses. I was so angry my hands were shaking. I opened the door to his office and threw them at him. We exchanged a few words, I reminded him that he promised it wouldn't happen again. About 20 minutes later he tried to tell me that he ordered them for me. They're all his size, not mine. I have many dresses in our shared closet, it would not have taken super sleuthing to know my size. He's also bought me many things over the years, always getting my size correct. The offending items sat in his office for weeks. He finally moved them to the same shelf as the totes. At least he's stopped saying he got them for me.
On our anniversary he wanted to go out for a nice dinner to celebrate. I said I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be celebrating. I went anyway. He says I look at him as if I'm completely repulsed. I don't trust him. He's going to have to earn that back and it's not going to be a quick thing. Words will no longer suffice, it will take proven action. I can not be bought with gifts. I've told him that any more broken promises or transgressions and I'm gone.
I ended up gaining a total of 35 lbs from the hellish year known as 2016. I started greatly restricting my caloric intake in mid-January. I managed to drop 11 lbs in a month. I'm giving myself 400-600 calories a day, with a 1000 calorie day once a week. I should be back to my goal weight by the end of May. Last year was all about him, this year I'm focusing on me. It's what I have to do to survive and attempts to thrive again. I can't do it any other way. I will not be flexible in my wants and needs, I know me, I know what I like. I know the contract that was negotiated long before our wedding day - that is the contract I expect to be honored.
Big hug! Really don't know what to say except I wish the best for both of you no matter how it turns out.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 13, 2017, 05:37:08 PM
It's been over a year since a nuclear bomb decimated my life, I guess it's time for a bit of an update. After being completely miserable for the entirety of 2016, I started off 2017 with a much more organized house, both physically and emotionally.
After promising me that the shopping would cease, of course more things arrived 'because they were on sale' and 'was stuff he had wanted to get' when he was ordering clothes, lingerie, etc to the tune of several packages arriving every other week it seemed. Columbus Day we had several contractors in doing the year-end maintenance items on our new house. I took a break and went to the mailbox where a package of clothing was sitting just waiting to be collected. I gave it to him thinking it was a Halloween costume I knew he had ordered. When he didn't open it immediately, I asked if it was stuff I didn't want to know about. I knew the answer from the look on his face. That's when he gave me excuses. I took my wedding rings off that night and haven't put them back on sense. He broke his promise and I knew he was never intending to actually keep it. He never noticed until I finally pointed it out the day after our wedding anniversary. Four months later and those rings are still sitting untouched in my jewelry box. I no longer even miss the weight of them on my hand.
By Thanksgiving I couldn't stand going into our shared closet and would become overcome with a feeling of complete dread every morning and night because of the women's clothes he had hanging on his side. I constantly worried that friends would see them when he or I were showing them the house. I finally reached a breaking point. I went to the local hardware store and bought a couple of storage totes while he was gone for a week long business trip. I packed up all the shoes, dresses, and lingerie - so much lingerie... much more than I knew about. I stuffed it all into two totes and left them sitting in his home office. If he wanted to see them or interact with them, he could do it in the privacy of his office, far away from me. After about 6 weeks had passed, he moved them to the storage room where they're shoved in the back corner of a shelf. He never mentioned it.
A few days before our fifth anniversary another package arrived. It was badly torn and I knew he was expecting a jacket, so I opened it the rest of the way (didn't really take much). Inside was a man's jacket and 3 dresses. I was so angry my hands were shaking. I opened the door to his office and threw them at him. We exchanged a few words, I reminded him that he promised it wouldn't happen again. About 20 minutes later he tried to tell me that he ordered them for me. They're all his size, not mine. I have many dresses in our shared closet, it would not have taken super sleuthing to know my size. He's also bought me many things over the years, always getting my size correct. The offending items sat in his office for weeks. He finally moved them to the same shelf as the totes. At least he's stopped saying he got them for me.
On our anniversary he wanted to go out for a nice dinner to celebrate. I said I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be celebrating. I went anyway. He says I look at him as if I'm completely repulsed. I don't trust him. He's going to have to earn that back and it's not going to be a quick thing. Words will no longer suffice, it will take proven action. I can not be bought with gifts. I've told him that any more broken promises or transgressions and I'm gone.
I ended up gaining a total of 35 lbs from the hellish year known as 2016. I started greatly restricting my caloric intake in mid-January. I managed to drop 11 lbs in a month. I'm giving myself 400-600 calories a day, with a 1000 calorie day once a week. I should be back to my goal weight by the end of May. Last year was all about him, this year I'm focusing on me. It's what I have to do to survive and attempts to thrive again. I can't do it any other way. I will not be flexible in my wants and needs, I know me, I know what I like. I know the contract that was negotiated long before our wedding day - that is the contract I expect to be honored.
Hi Princess Buttercup,
You sound terribly unhappy. I wish there was something I could say that would solve this problem. I don't really think this is healthy for you or your husband. There's no shame in calling it a day. As you know there are many reason why relationships don't work out. Misleading your spouse happens in many relationships this isn't exclusive to transgender people.
In a perfect world your husband and you would never have been put in this situation. She would have started to transition as a child. Instead she was raised in a world that believed this was a perversion, a mental illness, something that the world should not accept. There's still a large segment of the population that feels this way.
For many years the psychiatric world thought this could be "cured", a very small vocal minority still do. Many transgender people believed this was possible as well if they just tried hard enough. They mainly used aversion therapy to "fix" this with no success. They use to use the same treatment to "cure" being gay or lesbian. Now finally most have come to conclusion there's nothing to cure, this is who the person is, it's society that has the problem.
Unfortunately, transgender people have tried to follow society's guidelines to their detriment and the ones closest to them. They have fallen in love with people who really didn't understand who they are. Remember they've been trained since childhood that this was not something to divulge, it was something to be ashamed of.
Perhaps, the only way out of this for you and her, is for both of you to admit who she is and accept it. This isn't easy for her either. If the marriage has to end, it has to end, but try to balance the lying with the situation society has put her in. I'm sure you and her had many good times in your relationship, that shouldn't be forgotten. It seems that she still loves you but you've become incompatible. It happens, hopefully you can stay friends.
Take care and lots of love,
Paige :)
P.S. in many ways I'm writing this to myself and my wife.
Quote from: Paige on February 14, 2017, 08:52:43 AM
Hi Princess Buttercup,
You sound terribly unhappy. I wish there was something I could say that would solve this problem. I don't really think this is healthy for you or your husband. There's no shame in calling it a day. As you know there are many reason why relationships don't work out. Misleading your spouse happens in many relationships this isn't exclusive to transgender people.
In a perfect world your husband and you would never have been put in this situation. She would have started to transition as a child. Instead she was raised in a world that believed this was a perversion, a mental illness, something that the world should not accept. There's still a large segment of the population that feels this way.
For many years the psychiatric world thought this could be "cured", a very small vocal minority still do. Many transgender people believed this was possible as well if they just tried hard enough. They mainly used aversion therapy to "fix" this with no success. They use to use the same treatment to "cure" being gay or lesbian. Now finally most have come to conclusion there's nothing to cure, this is who the person is, it's society that has the problem.
Unfortunately, transgender people have tried to follow society's guidelines to their detriment and the ones closest to them. They have fallen in love with people who really didn't understand who they are. Remember they've been trained since childhood that this was not something to divulge, it was something to be ashamed of.
Perhaps, the only way out of this for you and her, is for both of you to admit who she is and accept it. This isn't easy for her either. If the marriage has to end, it has to end, but try to balance the lying with the situation society has put her in. I'm sure you and her had many good times in your relationship, that shouldn't be forgotten. It seems that she still loves you but you've become incompatible. It happens, hopefully you can stay friends.
Take care and lots of love,
Paige :)
P.S. in many ways I'm writing this to myself and my wife.
Not to pick a fight here, but if you read through this thread you'll see that my husband is a 'he.' He refers to himself as a man. He considers himself non-binary male. He also knew he was a crossdresser from childhood and he chose to not disclose that fact because he knew I wouldn't give him the time of day. Those were his choices - he made them. Now I get to deal with them and clean up the mess.
He's been through counseling, he's happy with where he's at. I'm the one trying to come to terms with the fact that someone who supposedly loves me would consciously lie to me for years when he knew from the beginning what he was and that lies are the one thing I won't tolerate.
Every day is a roller coaster ride for me - up and down, twisting and turning. I agreed to give it time and that's what I'm doing.
Quote from: PrincessButtercup on February 14, 2017, 10:55:06 AM
Not to pick a fight here, but if you read through this thread you'll see that my husband is a 'he.' He refers to himself as a man. He considers himself non-binary male. He also knew he was a crossdresser from childhood and he chose to not disclose that fact because he knew I wouldn't give him the time of day. Those were his choices - he made them. Now I get to deal with them and clean up the mess.
He's been through counseling, he's happy with where he's at. I'm the one trying to come to terms with the fact that someone who supposedly loves me would consciously lie to me for years when he knew from the beginning what he was and that lies are the one thing I won't tolerate.
Every day is a roller coaster ride for me - up and down, twisting and turning. I agreed to give it time and that's what I'm doing.
Hi Princess Buttercup,
Sorry I'm new to your thread, I should have read it all but it's rather long, I shouldn't have assumed he wanted to transition.
As for tolerating his lies I never suggested you should. It's completely up to you to decide how you want your relationship to continue or not. All I suggested was that societal pressures should be considered when you're casting judgement. It's not easy living in a society where a good percentage of the population hates you. That doesn't mean you have to forgive him.
I can only go by my own experience. My wife knew I was transgender almost from the start of our 30 year relationship. For years I thought I could fight this. I'm 54 now and I now know this is impossible. Have I always been truthful, no I've been embarrassed when I've fallen off the wagon. Recently I've come to the conclusion my feelings about my gender will never change but it took a long time to finally admit that. Does that mean I've decided to transition, no, I'm still very much up in the air about that. My wife and I are trying to work through this. Neither of us are sure our marriage will last.
My wife also says it's only the lying that she can't tolerate, but then she'll admit that she's very uncomfortable with the whole transgender idea and would be terribly embarrassed if people knew about me. Tell me Buttercup how would you feel if your spouse was embarrassed by who you are? The same spouse that you've loved for years and raised a great family with. Life isn't easy, relationships aren't easy. My wife's parents were terrible alcoholics, they had a hell of a life. There's no guarantees in relationships.
I understand you feel like your husband has terribly wronged you. There's not much I can say about that except dwelling on this doesn't seem productive. I have no idea if your relationship is salvageable but all that resentment isn't helpful for your health. Have you seen your own therapist?
Have a nice day and sorry again for making assumptions,
Paige :)
My call on this is you need to return to couple consoling. You husband will need to decide between doing as he wishes with separation or keeping his word and you will need to make this point before a third party. I had hopes that you could remain together and you have kept your part of the bargain but your husband hasn't. I am sorry it has reached this point but life is to short to live it without happiness so I suggest you have a joint session soon.
Hi PricessButtercup
IMHO...the issue here isn't just a Trans one, the issues here...is trust. He made a promise to you and has not kept it. You also made a promise to him and you have kept it.
It really doesn't matter what the contents of the agreement were. Although in this case it is already contenscious within your relationship and seems almost provocative on his part to keep ordering stuff. In any relationship trust is paramount, it is unreasonable to expect anyone to stay cool calm and collected when they are constantly lied to.
You have made yourself very clear to him. The choice is his...if he continues, he does so with the full knowledge of the consequences.
Good luck with the weight loss it is never an easy thing to accomplish. I hope 2017 is a better year for you and filled with a few more joys ... :)
Liz
Hi
I still read this forum Princess Buttercup, I just wanted to say I read your update. Hugs Marie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Paige on February 14, 2017, 02:01:54 PM
Tell me Buttercup how would you feel if your spouse was embarrassed by who you are?
You mean like how he's horribly embarrassed about the fact that I'm Pagan. Or, that I was once a dungeon mistress and how I've been into BDSM for several decades? No, I wouldn't know anything about how it feels for my spouse to be embarrassed by what I am. The difference is, I know it makes him uncomfortable, so I've never pushed either into our home or relationship.
Quote from: Dena on February 14, 2017, 03:50:02 PM
My call on this is you need to return to couple consoling. You husband will need to decide between doing as he wishes with separation or keeping his word and you will need to make this point before a third party. I had hopes that you could remain together and you have kept your part of the bargain but your husband hasn't. I am sorry it has reached this point but life is to short to live it without happiness so I suggest you have a joint session soon.
I've made that point in joint sessions. The problem is he will say whatever it is I want to hear or he thinks the therapist wants to hear. We were doing separate short sessions and then longer joint sessions with a therapist. It didn't really resolve anything. In fact, she thought I was incredibly judgmental because I was okay with his cross dressing for the first 6 years, but then wasn't okay with the trans thing. I had to point out that I didn't know about his CD habit because he never told me until he gave me the letter in January 2016. Then she started to understand why I was so upset with him. So, no, handing over a bunch of money to be lied to again isn't really in the cards.
Quote from: ElizabethK on February 14, 2017, 04:17:38 PM
Hi PricessButtercup
IMHO...the issue here isn't just a Trans one, the issues here...is trust. He made a promise to you and has not kept it. You also made a promise to him and you have kept it.
It really doesn't matter what the contents of the agreement were. Although in this case it is already contenscious within your relationship and seems almost provocative on his part to keep ordering stuff. In any relationship trust is paramount, it is unreasonable to expect anyone to stay cool calm and collected when they are constantly lied to.
You have made yourself very clear to him. The choice is his...if he continues, he does so with the full knowledge of the consequences.
Good luck with the weight loss it is never an easy thing to accomplish. I hope 2017 is a better year for you and filled with a few more joys ... :)
Liz
Thanks for that. It's always good to have a little confirmation that I'm not expecting unreasonable things, such as honesty.
Quote from: Marienz on February 16, 2017, 04:55:19 AM
Hi
I still read this forum Princess Buttercup, I just wanted to say I read your update. Hugs Marie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi! I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you've been. Drop me a PM and let me know how life is going on the other side of the world.