Hey guys. I wanted to say thanks for all the kind people who replied to my posts and messaged me on here. I probably won't need to be back on this forum.
My partner got annoyed at me last night about silly stuff and it came out that he feels like I'm controlling him because he can't transition and stay with me (I never said he can't, always said he can but that I can't be with him, but never used it as a threat). At some level it was definitely making him angry and a bit resentful to me, which is understandable. He wanted to be with me more, but wants to transition and is only not transitioning because of me.
And I can't be responsible for him not transitioning and not being happy so I told him he should just transition and we can be friends. So he has decided to transition. I'm in no way a lesbian and not into the idea of being with a woman, so have no interest in going out with her (I guess he will soon start using female pronouns, which I'm fine with).
I'm of course devastated but also will be relieved to be out of that situation. It's so hard to go out with someone who is trans and unhappy (of course worse for them, but hard for a partner too).
I'll try to be there for them during this transition and be supportive and even help them come out, but will have to put myself and the kids first at times too to make sure we're happy. He's going to stay living here for now but will look for somewhere else to live nearby, in the near future I'm sure, cos he'd drive me crazy living here, haha, and it'd be too hard, but he wants to be near the kids of course.
I'm positive that the future will be fine, but am obviously going to be grieving and sad too.
For anyone going through this too, it's not the end of the world, and you deserve happiness and will be happy, hopefully soon. :)
Oh Sophie, I'm so sorry! It was incredibly cruel of him to go back and forth like that. I also understand where you're coming from about not wanting to be with a woman. I can't do that either - there is just absolutely no attraction for me.
I will send you my email address in case you want to keep in touch. Do look out for you and the kids, what he is doing is purely selfish and unfair to all of you. Yet, it's something the trans person feels they have every right to do. Take time for you now. They can deal with their own train wreck alone until you get some footing.
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 16, 2016, 06:13:48 AM
Hey guys. I wanted to say thanks for all the kind people who replied to my posts and messaged me on here. I probably won't need to be back on this forum.
My partner got annoyed at me last night about silly stuff and it came out that he feels like I'm controlling him because he can't transition and stay with me (I never said he can't, always said he can but that I can't be with him, but never used it as a threat). At some level it was definitely making him angry and a bit resentful to me, which is understandable. He wanted to be with me more, but wants to transition and is only not transitioning because of me.
And I can't be responsible for him not transitioning and not being happy so I told him he should just transition and we can be friends. So he has decided to transition. I'm in no way a lesbian and not into the idea of being with a woman, so have no interest in going out with her (I guess he will soon start using female pronouns, which I'm fine with).
I'm of course devastated but also will be relieved to be out of that situation. It's so hard to go out with someone who is trans and unhappy (of course worse for them, but hard for a partner too).
I'll try to be there for them during this transition and be supportive and even help them come out, but will have to put myself and the kids first at times too to make sure we're happy. He's going to stay living here for now but will look for somewhere else to live nearby, in the near future I'm sure, cos he'd drive me crazy living here, haha, and it'd be too hard, but he wants to be near the kids of course.
I'm positive that the future will be fine, but am obviously going to be grieving and sad too.
For anyone going through this too, it's not the end of the world, and you deserve happiness and will be happy, hopefully soon. :)
glad you all are getting it sorted out. with my situation I will support him on what he decides, we are best friends at the very least, its painful but I'd rather have my partner live a real life, that be forced to live secretly in pain. Him and I are not just random people who met on the street, we have cried, laughed, experienced life together for a long time, even had kids together, so that is more important than anything else to me. life is strange, but I'll get through it too.
Thank you so much.
I don't know if it's cruel of him, it certainly does hurt a lot and I do feel abandoned. But I get that it's what he needs to do. Either way I guess we won't be happy together if what he really wants is to transition.
I am supporting him to do what he has to. But of course I'm also feeling like "how could you do this to me?" but I will be ok...
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 17, 2016, 01:36:02 PM
Thank you so much.
I don't know if it's cruel of him, it certainly does hurt a lot and I do feel abandoned. But I get that it's what he needs to do. Either way I guess we won't be happy together if what he really wants is to transition.
I am supporting him to do what he has to. But of course I'm also feeling like "how could you do this to me?" but I will be ok...
Hi Sophie
Always here to talk, feel free to message me:)
I hope you can both remain good friends, you both need massive support right now:)
Hugs Marie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman
Thanks Jamie J, that's so nice of you. :)
I'm doing ok. He has gone back and forward already saying he wouldn't transition, then would try not to, now definitely is, so that's a bit hard on the ol' emotions...but I'm fine, sad but will be fine. At least I know it's definitely going to happen now so can just get over it.
We'll definitely try to be friends as we have kids and are such good friends.
Though of course it hurts. He will choose what's best for him, over what's best for me, even if it killed me, he wouldn't care.
I want more than that, I want someone who loves me so much that they'd do anything for me. Lol, is that asking way too much...I don't want to settle for less in a relationship.
Part of my worried that when he transitions his personality will change a bit from hormones, etc. and he'll then I suspect be pretty much like his mothers and sisters...and that might make me not want to be friends so much!
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 19, 2016, 09:43:29 AM
Part of my worried that when he transitions his personality will change a bit from hormones, etc. and he'll then I suspect be pretty much like his mothers and sisters...and that might make me not want to be friends so much!
OMG, you just made me laugh so hard!
Well he just left for good while giving me a torrent of abuse about how much he hates me and how evil I am.
I'm so sorry to hear that. There is never a reason for abuse.
Well he says now he doesn't mean it. It's either that he completely means it and hates me, or that he was sad and felt hurt (maybe hurt that I don't feel attracted to women) and is lashing out because of pain. We all do that sometimes and he is going through a lot and transitioning will be tough.
Or maybe I'm just not a nice person and he's right. I try but I keep failing at being good enough. :(
Oh by the way, he is going to start transitioning soon and "come out" publicly and then I will of course use she/her pronouns. I know she is a woman, definitely, just am not allowed use the she/her pronouns yet. Just cos I think how awful I must sound using male pronouns.
Sophie, you absolutely do not deserve any of this and you are certainly good enough. None of this is your fault and he needs to stop projecting his guilt and negativity on you.
Okay i don't mean to attack you, so I'm putting that out there first
but, from the other PoV - if you've been talking a lot about whether or not you expect to still be attracted to a female version of him, that could well be what's making him lash out. example: i showed my (straight cis) boyfriend a video of a trans man whose life story i associated with in the hope that it might articulate the things that i couldn't, and his very first response was 'that's like the exact opposite of anything i'm attracted to'. Not 'now i understand how you feel'. It definitely hurt to know that when i was trying to talk about my entire existence and personhood, he was only thinking about sex.
Obviously, i know that situation and yours are different, but it just might be a clue. It doesn't make yelling at you or calling you evil okay though (and i definitely wouldn't try to justify doing that to my partner either). I also acknowledge that SO's sexuality and feelings are important - but from the PoV of a trans person, the balance of 'if you'll have sex again' and 'if you'll feel like you own a body ever' aren't quite equal. It can get tiring.
It's not a petty thing to worry about. I'm worried about losing my sex life too - but it can start to feel petty if you hear it a lot, or if it comes up when you're trying to express something else.
I'm sorry your partner is coming over hot and cold. it seems like he's not great at expressing his feelings. :C
It's not like I always talk about not being attracted to women. Just I made that clear that I would not be able to be in the relationship if he transitions. Not as a way to convince him not to transition, I said he should still do it if he wants to. And of course that would make him feel bad, but it's the truth and my sexuality is real and I can't change it. And it's something that had to be mentioned I guess.
I know it must hurt him, but also it's also not my fault that I feel that way and I can't control that.
Anyway he did message me and apologise to me shortly after leaving. But hasn't come home. I'm incredibly worried but also upset by it. I'm terrified that he could hurt himself of course because I care about him. He never worries too much about me though, haha, by his own admission. This is so tough, I'll be glad when I'm over him and can feel better. And I know, like all grief, it will get better, it will pass or at least get much much easier with time. It's just a case of getting through it and time passing.
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 19, 2016, 06:29:50 PM
It's not like I always talk about not being attracted to women. Just I made that clear that I would not be able to be in the relationship if he transitions. Not as a way to convince him not to transition, I said he should still do it if he wants to. And of course that would make him feel bad, but it's the truth and my sexuality is real and I can't change it. And it's something that had to be mentioned I guess.
I know it must hurt him, but also it's also not my fault that I feel that way and I can't control that.
In my opinion, you should never be made to feel like you have to apologize for your feelings or your sexuality. Just as a trans person can't help how they feel, you can't help how you feel. I told my husband the same thing - if you feel you must transition to be happy, then I'll help anyway I can. But, it will be as your friend, and not your wife because I am simply not attracted to women and that's never going to change. You should never have to change who you are for someone else. If you do, neither one of you will be truly happy.
That's so very true.
Anyway, I better get to bed cos it's past 1am here! Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day for everyone. :)
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 19, 2016, 09:43:29 AM
Part of my worried that when he transitions his personality will change a bit from hormones, etc. and he'll then I suspect be pretty much like his mothers and sisters...and that might make me not want to be friends so much!
OMG if estrogen turned me into my mom I'd just do the world a favor...
He's a selfish ********* is what he is. Keep in mind I've no car, phone,money, food. He said he would get me dinner since I haven';t eaten, and hasn't come back/ our baby is sick, has a fever and can't stop crying. there's nothing I can do, I've no phone or car or anything. and he has has disappeared and abandoned us. worst father of the year award goes to .....
I don't care about his problems anymore. I'm done being sympathetic to someone who would do this.
I'm just so upset that he'd leave us with no way of contacting anyone in case of emergency.
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 19, 2016, 09:12:02 PM
I'm just so upset that he'd leave us with no way of contacting anyone in case of emergency.
That was indeed selfish and immature. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.
Perhaps you have a neighbor you know well enough to ask for help if you need it.
I know it's not his fault, I don't know if he's trying his best to deal with it, or what, but I know it's really hard for him, I really do. But I also think nobody should have to put up with all the things I've had to go through cos of it.
I finally got in contact with him, and he said he was with friends, and then his battery died. I messaged his friend just asking if he could ask him to contact me, and his friend said he wasn't even there.
He lies all the time. I know that's probably to be expected when he grew up having to lie about being trans, but it's like he can't stop now.
I've had to put up with him being on gay dating sites, trans dating/sex meet up sites, him video chatting guys doing sexual stuff, coming onto various other girls, telling his ex he still loves her, him saying horrible stuff about me to his friends, him breaking up with me several times and telling people he doesn't want to be with me, staying at a girl's (lesbian's) houses and lying about where he is. Disappearing for days when I was just about to give birth or had a newborn.
Like don't get me wrong, he can be so so sweet and lovely too and we get along amazingly well and have everything in common. But it's like the dysphoria has hurt him so bad that he is like this. Or maybe I'm just an awful girlfriend and deserve it, but I always do try to be supportive and nice and do nice things for him...I'm not as awful as I sound. :(
I just can't handle it anymore. Nobody should have to go through this. Well I guess I don't have to handle it cos he's made it clear that he's definitely transitioning...so I just need to get over it and stop being such a needy clingy (ex) girlfriend. I just am sad and want him to be there for me as a friend. I think I need to stop needing him cos he doesn't need me or care about me it seems.
I need to find a place to write all this stuff down privately so I won't be annoying lovely real people on the internet. Sorry. :(
At this stage I want him to transition because I don't want him to be sad anymore. And I know he is sad about the break up and the stress of transitioning (his parents aren't taking it completely well) so I need to be there for him, and I'm trying. But I'm also going through my own stuff, and I guess it's selfish of me to expect him to comfort me, but god I need it! haha.
You are not annoying anyone here. This section is for exactly what you're doing - getting support for a SO. Please don't feel you have to temper your posts.
I do hope things turn around for you. I can tell you're a strong person.
Thanks Princess Buttercup.
I feel like if he loved me enough then he'd choose me over transitioning like some other people do. I think I'd choose being with him over anything. I know I don't know what it feels like to be trans though.
This is seriously the worst thing to ever happen to me (our break up). And I really really want to be with him, but he doesn't want it. So nothing I can do...just get over it.
It hurts so bad.
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 19, 2016, 04:02:57 PM
Well he just left for good while giving me a torrent of abuse about how much he hates me and how evil I am.
He/ she (depending on what they prefer), is probably in a very frail state of mind right now, and must be feeling very confused. I applaud him/ her for at least trying to comprise their gender to be able to stay with their partner.
I'm also in a very frail state of mind right now but it's his choice, so while I have sympathy for him, he's the one doing this, I don't have a choice.
But of course people applaud the abuser and not the victim.
I understood what I was at age 13 and I also understood that getting involved with another person would mess up both of our lives. I decided it wasn't right to get involved with anybody else until I had my life in order. There are many reasons people don't do what I did and I understand many of the reasons they get involved with another. If they do and even if they are hurting on the inside, they need to do their best to be responsible to the other person they have included in their life. It is human decency and it is part of the commitment made in the marriage vows.
If your partner isn't attempting to meet you half way, you will need to become strong enough to survive. Yes I know it stinks but at the moment you appear to be the only one looking out for yourself and your child. He might come to his senses but for now, start considering a life by yourself. Figure out how you will keep food on the table and a roof over your head. That may help distract you from some of the pain you are feeling and it will allow you to do something productive with your time.
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 20, 2016, 10:41:30 AM
I'm also in a very frail state of mind right now but it's his choice, so while I have sympathy for him, he's the one doing this, I don't have a choice.
When you are a woman trapped in an alien's body then you have no choice but to get rid of that horrible armour that suffocates you. It is NOT a matter of choice; in fact, it is sometimes a matter of life or death. You are in a difficult situation too and I feel for you, but at least you get to keep the house, the baby and you're not facing the daunting challenge of a the transition which has been called the biggest journey a human being can embark on!
Yes I have to become strong enough to be fine on my own and need to get over him and stop wanting to be with him. Definitely need to, and I will with time...
I don't have a house so don't get to keep the house. In fact I will have no money at all so won't be able to pay rent. I won't be able to get single parent benefits until 3 months after we have broken up so until then will have no money.
I do feel very sorry for him but some of the things he has done are still inexcusable. Hell I'm not perfect at all, but I haven't done that much bad. Some things are not ok that he did, but I still love him and care about him very much.
Also I have told him he can stay here if he wants, at least for a few months, as long as he doesn't get mad at me, etc. I didn't kick him out, he wanted to leave. :/
Anyway right now it does feel like I'll never get over this. And I'm worried what it will do to my health since I'm having heart palpitations constantly and am short of breath, feeling sick, and my autoimmune disease might be flaring up.
But...I know logically that everyone gets over relationships eventually. It'll probably take several months, but eventually I won't be in love with him anymore and can be happy alone and then someday move on.
I'm hoping very much that I'll find someone else some day and can have more kids. I don't know how much time I have for having kids cos of health issues, wanted to have them young for that reason, but hopefully, even if it's hard. And if not, well that's ok cos I have two kids.
I can survive, I can do this.
And apologies for being majorly emotional and depressed right now. I'm trying to not make it come across as me having negative feelings towards trans people, because I'm really not like that.
I know it is harder for the trans person than the cis partner. I acknowledge that. And I'm trying to help him, though don't know what to do.
But it is also extremely difficult for a partner to go through this. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've gone through some tough stuff.
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 20, 2016, 10:43:53 AM
But of course people applaud the abuser and not the victim.
Actually, I don't. While I do only have one side of the story, from what I've read your partner's behavior is atrocious. It goes far beyond what one might reasonably give leeway for when dealing with the trans thing.
Sapere Aude
Sometimes his behaviour has been atrocious, sometimes it's wonderful. I love him very much and we are best friends and perfect together...if only dysphoria didn't exist and he could be happy, lol.
I'm pretty bad myself, I've not been perfect at all, sometimes I get very upset and say some quite mean things. I try to keep it in of course, and don't think I've been too bad, but I dunno, maybe I'm just as bad or worse, maybe I'm the whole problem and just a horrible person. :( Not looking for pity really, just I don't know what's real at this stage.
He's in the shower now shaving all his body hair...I will not be unreasonable and get upset. I am slightly annoyed that it took him 90 minutes, lol. I will stay calm and not let emotions get the better of me. I will be fine and accept that this is over. Or at least try ;)
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 20, 2016, 12:11:32 PM
He's in the shower now shaving all his body hair...I will not be unreasonable and get upset. I am slightly annoyed that it took him 90 minutes, lol. I will stay calm and not let emotions get the better of me. I will be fine and accept that this is over. Or at least try ;)
All you can do is try your best.
Also, I'm extremely jealous that you have 90 minutes of hot water! Ours starts running cold after about 40 minutes. ;D
It's an electric shower so I don't know if that makes a difference, lol, like it heats the water. But it's a terrible shower and goes really hot and really cold all the time too, haha. Can't wait to move to a place with a nicer shower. :)
I was thinking maybe I should firstly start calling her by female pronouns (on here) as part of accepting that she's gonna transition, and getting over her! Can't in real life yet until she comes out fully. Unless we're alone together I guess, but we always have the kids around and our 3 year old would be confused.
And secondly let her know that she can just be herself and act girly and hopefully it'll help me to fall out of love with her. And get over the relationship. And also make friends with my new co-parent and best girl-friend, haha.
It will probably be hard at times when I'm feeling emotional, so might ask her to reel it in a bit then, unless she's also having a bad day.
Also might start a journal about going through this, just to get all my emotions out with getting in fights with my ex.
If there is something you are uncomfortable with at first ask for space and take it at your own pace. After waiting many years we tend to want everything to happen yesterday and we forget how new this is to others. A gentle reminder is sometimes needed for us to understand how much we are asking.
Yeah it would be a bit much if she completely transitioned really quickly, but that's none of my business really. I might find it hard to be under the same roof if it happened too quickly is all. But I think she will take it slowly as she has only come out to a few friends and her parents and sisters, but she hasn't told her parents and sisters that she's definitely transitioning yet. They'll take a while to get used to that idea. She is planning to take it quite slowly.
And she has an appointment with a gender therapist in two weeks, yay! That should help a lot and she should have done it ages ago. I should have encouraged her more to do it sooner really.
I hope that will help us to be able to be friends anyway and be around each other.
I wonder how long it usually takes people to start feeling better after a relationship break up. I hope I start feeling a bit better in a few weeks.
I'm going to tell my best friend soon about the break up and that my ex is transitioning. That will be interesting lol, I've never even mentioned it to her. I've told my mother that she's transgender, but will have to tell my family about the break up and transitioning soon too. I have permission to tell them, and it'll be good for me. I'm not going to tell the general public yet of course. Will leave that until my ex is "out". :)
My ex is here now anyway and being nice to me. We've had a good talk and I'm saying that I'm trying to be supportive and get over her, but am very hurt too and devastated. Just trying to hold it together. :) x
She also told me that she bought women's underwear last night and is wearing it. I reacted calmly and wasn't upset. So that's progress and I'm starting to accept that we are over, and what underwear she wears is none of my business!
She also told me that she joined a secret facebook group for trans women and got in contact with a trans woman and I was fine with that, that's a good thing.
But then I got slightly upset that she contacted another trans woman...hmm, I'm all over the place, a rollercoaster of emotions, but then I remembered, she's my ex, she can talk to whomever she wants, whenever she wants. The weirdest things can get to you sometimes.
I also read this which helped and loads of other things. I constantly read about trans people to help to try to make me more understanding. http://www.transgenderlondon.com/grieving_a_cis.htm
That is a good page with a lot of good information, yet I don't think it covers both sides completely of the grieving process. It does land ball park with the experiences in my relationship and my husband coming out as a woman.
It is a very difficult situation to be in, for both parties actually. However, I find the idea of announcing to you that she had just purchased new female underwear that she was wearing a bit odd considering what you're going through in your couple.
Ok well just after my telling her how I'm gonna be super supportive and stuff, she had a sore throat so was in a bad mood (fair enough) and was really really mean to me, like really bad. I definitely cannot do this now or be around her anymore so am not seeing her anymore. I told her to leave and not come back since I can't handle it. So that's it. Thank god. Over.
Quote from: Ritana on February 20, 2016, 03:24:15 PM
It is a very difficult situation to be in, for both parties actually. However, I find the idea of announcing to you that she had just purchased new female underwear that she was wearing a bit odd considering what you're going through in your couple.
She just told me to be nice in case I found out and felt like she was hiding stuff from me.
I have finally woken up and am getting the hell away from this relationship. She is angry, aggressive and mean. I feel awful for her that she's going through such pain. But she has even sexually assaulted me three times to ease her own dysphoria (I assume) because she wants to do "lesbian stuff" that I didn't agree with (or was unconscious for). That's abuse and I'm staying away. I only stayed because I'm in love or crazy. But not any more.
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 20, 2016, 06:27:13 PM
I have finally woken up and am getting the hell away from this relationship. She is angry, aggressive and mean. I feel awful for her that she's going through such pain. But she has even sexually assaulted me three times to ease her own dysphoria (I assume) because she wants to do "lesbian stuff" that I didn't agree with (or was unconscious for). That's abuse and I'm staying away. I only stayed because I'm in love or crazy. But not any more.
You don't need that and your kids don't need to be around it. It's time to cut the ties and move on. You need to for your own physical and mental wellbeing.
There is no reason for even one sexual assault much less three. Get as much distance as you need to be safe.