I'm 46 and for over forty years now my gender issues have never gone away. Never,ever gone away.
And its been nine years since I opened my eyes and figured out what I was suffering from and that it has a name and it has a solution.
But, I learned something else about myself - I'm an absolute coward. A totally scared and terrified woman just dying to get out of her cage but too afraid to even look through the bars for more than a few moments at a time.
I'm often amazed at my inner strength. I've learned so many tricks and ways to keep my facade intact, even through the most torturous days. I'm sure I could go on and on and on. But, I'm seeing cracks and feel dead inside most of the time.
And yet knowing all of that and going through all of the craziness I go through in keeping myself together I still can't take that first step and tell anyone close to me.
I have a wife and two kids. I love them, they love me and we need each other. I've come close many times to telling my wife everything. But...
I feel like I have a personality flaw that just won't let me take this step. I just want peace and to feel more alive. I've wasted most of the good years at this point in my life. I'm afraid I may never come out.
Has anyone else taken such a long time to come out? How did you do it in the end? What gave you the push you needed? Is anyone debating never coming out?
I'm sorry for the depressing post. I sometimes unload here - it's all I have.
- ella
Hi, I think you'll find the answer to all of the above is yes. Many people struggle for as long if not longer to come out if at all. It is by no means an easy thing to do at all.
The only "flaw" you have is perfectly reasonable fear. Dealing with that fear is often easier if you have a trusted therapist who can help with the coming out to spouse and children as well as all the other people you will have to deal with. It is not an easy thing to do and even harder when you are alone.
My suggestion would be to try and find a therapist you can trust and hopefully will work with you and your family on a coming out strategy.
Quote from: Ella~ on February 23, 2016, 01:13:10 AM
I'm often amazed at my inner strength. I've learned so many tricks and ways to keep my facade intact, even through the most torturous days. I'm sure I could go on and on and on. But, I'm seeing cracks and feel dead inside most of the time.
(...)
Has anyone else taken such a long time to come out? How did you do it in the end? What gave you the push you needed?
- ella
Yes!
We are almost the same age, Ella. And I've been myself amazed at my inner strength. But, i reached the point i couldn't keep all that inside anymore... it was too much.
Susan's helped me immensely to gather courage and trust. Now, i'm really feeling very fragile - that "strength" is no more very much there, i cry often, but i have also a great sense of relief. And i have finally found a place (a therapy center for transgenders) where i can finally start the transition. I'm waiting for the first appointment.
So, i can very easily understand your feelings and tourmoils - when i called them to get scheduled for the therapy, they interviewed me, and i hardly managed to speak, many times i had to stop saying i was sorry for the emotional outgoing that was overwhelming me.
But, it's not that "hard" (it's hard but not impossible), i managed to do it, maybe u can do it too... Maybe some of that strength should be dropped and some frailness should be welcomed.
My best Wishes,
Aly
Quote from: Ms Grace on February 23, 2016, 03:50:00 AM
Hi, I think you'll find the answer to all of the above is yes. Many people struggle for as long if not longer to come out if at all. It is by no means an easy thing to do at all.
I think what I always wish is that there were an easy way to handle everything related to gender disphoria. Easy one-size-fits-all solutions, magic wands or a pill of some kind. Sadly, there isn't and I'm afraid I may never find a way that works for me. I'm no spring chicken and I've done a lot in life, but this is the single hardest thing I've ever tried to do.
Quote from: LordKAT on February 23, 2016, 04:35:15 AM
My suggestion would be to try and find a therapist you can trust and hopefully will work with you and your family on a coming out strategy.
I went to a therapist twice nine years ago when I had my moment of clarity about my gender issues. She was a very good gender therapist and I was secretly hoping she would say I wasn't transgender - just stressed out or confused. No such luck. After only two sessions of telling her my whole life story it was pretty much clear to her. She wanted me to talk to my wife before she would continue with me, out of fairness to her. I didn't disagree with that idea, but I basically froze up and never went back and am here nine years later writing long sobby posts like this one at Susans :( God bless Susan and this website, BTW. But back to it, you are right - I would be best off to talk to a therapist again and get their help in guding me through this. This is part of process that I fear and even taking that step again seems like a terrifying thing. I was pretty much having a silent breakdown nine years ago before I made that call. Maybe that's what it would take to do it again. I appreciate your advice and having someone push me again to see a therapist is welcome and I will think hard about it.
Quote from: Alycya on February 23, 2016, 05:05:50 AM
But, it's not that "hard" (it's hard but not impossible), i managed to do it, maybe u can do it too... Maybe some of that strength should be dropped and some frailness should be welcomed.
Thanks for the kind words. I'm sorry you or anyone has had to go through this, but it makes me feel better whenever I'm reminded that others are in the process of working through this to a better place. I'm glad for you that you are on the path.
I like your idea of embracing the frailty. I think I get freaked out when I'm not in control of this. But, in trying to control it and hold it down and hide it from the world I know I'm making it worse. It takes so much work to play the role everyone expects of me.
You've all given me things to think about. I really don't know what is going to happen. I daydream about making a mistake of some kind that outs me. Maybe that will be what happens. Maybe it will get to be too much and I'll just have a breakdown and get myself to a therapist. I also find myself wishing I wou;d just get hit by a bus or something and I *know* those aren't good thoughts to have.
Or maybe I'll just get brave.
- Ella
Maybe if you game it out the other way, I.E. What's the worst that could happen?
For me: dying without ever letting the people I love meet me, the real me. I've been blessed to find the support I have, but I never would have known if I hadn't taken the chance.
Most of us are terrified of being alone in the end, but if we're already suffering privately anyway, aren't we already alone? There's no way I could've survived longer in the closet than I did, but there's no reason to convince yourself your a coward for fearing the loss of those you love. I try to not think of it as a whole transition at once, it's a lot of smaller steps taken over a long period of time. The trick is finding that determination to take the first step, the successive steps are a bit easier.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I was 29 when my spousal unit found out. She was very religious and sought an answer there. The response drove me further towards transition. Once the cat was out of the bag, it would not go back in. I lost everything, even my kids before I had any surgeries. I took a blow to my chin in the divorce believing it was my fault. I don't regret that at all, still.
I feel I had not been honest with her from the start, even though I had revealed my feelings long before I was married to my church leaders. Their response: Get married, have children, go to the temple often, and finish your education. In that order. Yeah... standard Mormon advice at the time. As soon as they found out I was using the ladies room at work on an unused floor in our office building, they excommunicated me.
I hate to give you advice on this. Your cat is still in the bag... slowly exposing itself since you came to this site. You must know that once you start down this path, you have a very good chance of losing your life and must start over. But hey, I'm 60 and now I find myself starting over again. It's the fourth time in my life. I can do this.
My best to you.
Cindi
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 23, 2016, 05:04:18 PM
Maybe if you game it out the other way, I.E. What's the worst that could happen?
For me: dying without ever letting the people I love meet me, the real me. I've been blessed to find the support I have, but I never would have known if I hadn't taken the chance.
I can relate to this feeling. A year or two ago I had a big health scare (that turned ok) and it really made me think about life. Kind of taking stock and all that. The idea that I could reach the end and never have given myself the chance to show anyone who I really am was probably the biggest regret I could see having. I thought and hoped the whole episode would inspired me to come out, but it didn't. Or, maybe it still might.
I like your strategy,of framing this differently for myself. I'm focused on the possible negative outcomes (probably not without good reason), but focusing on the more positive possible outcomes could help me take the step. Thanks.
Quote from: Cindi Jones on February 23, 2016, 06:26:40 PM
I feel I had not been honest with her from the start
Coming out to my wife means doing two very big things. Obviously, the main thing is telling her about this terribly painful issue that I've struggled with since I was a child. But, there is also the whole honesty issue that comes out as well. I suspect I might get some sympathy from her on the first but not so much on the second.
The logical side of my brain knows I am a deceiving liar - not just to my wife, but everyone because I'm trans and in the closet. But, my heart knows that it's totally different than your average kind of deception and lies. Partly, I lied to myself for over 30 years about what was going on with me. Partly I just didn't even know that this had a name or that it was more serious than I thought or that it had a solution until only several years ago. And, I didn't intend to hurt anyone - I genuinely have had stretches of time where I was weighing whether or not I want to do anything about this. Like you said - you can't put the cat back in the bag. You can't un-come-out. During those stretches it made sense to keep quiet. In the end, I knew I had major gender issues before I got married. But, I didn't understand it and didn't allow myself to think about it at the time. I loved my wife, saw at the time that I was stuck being a man and got married.
Sorry for dumping there. Having said all that, I know I have been dishonest and broken the trust my wife has in me - especially over the last nine years. I feel very guilty about that. Again, I'm frozen here and can't take this step. This guilt just feeds right back into it and has create a negative loop.
You had your church telling you to "be a man". I've never had anyone tell me that directly, but I'm keenly aware of that message all the time and in every way. Non-trans people are way more controlled and shackled by gender roles than they will ever know. It's an invisible and powerful force - maybe one of the most powerful.
I appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks.
I can totally relate to this.
I have been trying to deal with the fear by analysing it.
I thought my biggest fears were about the economic consequences if she leaves me, taking half our resources: I have always had a fear of living in poverty. I think I am to the point where I could face this fear.
I also thought about the possible anger over the supposed dishonesty of being in the closet. I think I can deal with that also. I know I was not knowingly dishonest, and I can let her anger roll off my back.
My big remaining fear is that she will laugh at me. I really don't know if I can handle that. :icon_cry2:
That the tough part about come out is fear, and we don't know what happens to the future. That why we need Gender Dysphoria Counseling help us.
Luanne
Quote from: Ella~ on February 24, 2016, 07:33:20 AM
I can relate to this feeling. A year or two ago I had a big health scare (that turned ok) and it really made me think about life. Kind of taking stock and all that. The idea that I could reach the end and never have given myself the chance to show anyone who I really am was probably the biggest regret I could see having. I thought and hoped the whole episode would inspired me to come out, but it didn't. Or, maybe it still might.
I like your strategy,of framing this differently for myself. I'm focused on the possible negative outcomes (probably not without good reason), but focusing on the more positive possible outcomes could help me take the step. Thanks.
Coming out to my wife means doing two very big things. Obviously, the main thing is telling her about this terribly painful issue that I've struggled with since I was a child. But, there is also the whole honesty issue that comes out as well. I suspect I might get some sympathy from her on the first but not so much on the second.
The logical side of my brain knows I am a deceiving liar - not just to my wife, but everyone because I'm trans and in the closet. But, my heart knows that it's totally different than your average kind of deception and lies. Partly, I lied to myself for over 30 years about what was going on with me. Partly I just didn't even know that this had a name or that it was more serious than I thought or that it had a solution until only several years ago. And, I didn't intend to hurt anyone - I genuinely have had stretches of time where I was weighing whether or not I want to do anything about this. Like you said - you can't put the cat back in the bag. You can't un-come-out. During those stretches it made sense to keep quiet. In the end, I knew I had major gender issues before I got married. But, I didn't understand it and didn't allow myself to think about it at the time. I loved my wife, saw at the time that I was stuck being a man and got married.
Sorry for dumping there. Having said all that, I know I have been dishonest and broken the trust my wife has in me - especially over the last nine years. I feel very guilty about that. Again, I'm frozen here and can't take this step. This guilt just feeds right back into it and has create a negative loop.
You had your church telling you to "be a man". I've never had anyone tell me that directly, but I'm keenly aware of that message all the time and in every way. Non-trans people are way more controlled and shackled by gender roles than they will ever know. It's an invisible and powerful force - maybe one of the most powerful.
I appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks.
Woah there, being in the closet has nothing to do with being a deceiving liar. It's fraking hard to come out and transition, but this is not a zero sum game. It's not all or nothing. We stay in the closet as long as we do because we were put there during our socialization when we would get reprimanded or sanctioned for being ourselves.
Being trans isn't your fault or decision. Being in the closet isn't your fault or decision. Blaming yourself is. You can also decide to come out when your ready. If it had been safe to come out and people easily accepted trans people as no big deal or whatever, then you would have not sequestered yourself in the closet as long as you have. Think of the closet as your personal bomb shelter, eventually you'll be tired of waiting for the fallout to clear and you'll come out, but for now you've been keeping yourself self from harm.
The real issue you have is one based on trust. You're going to have to trust some other people to be happy. If you can't trust those you love to reciprocate it when you reveal yourself to them, then you have a problem, and your relationship growth will likely be stunted because of it. They need you to give them a chance, before you take it away with assumptions.
Guilt is pointless and life isn't fair. There's no official scorecard that tabulates how much you are to blame for anything. Figure out your priorities and do what you can to attain them.
Every day you have the chance to make a change. Stop condemning yourself for the miss'ed ones, and make an attainable plan for a future one. Pity is self indulgent and won't solve your problems for you, that's your job because no one will do it for you.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I can still understand a spouse's reaction of feeling lied to. Your spouse expects to be your safe space, someone you never HAVE to lie to. It's hard for them realize that coming out to them is hardest, because the potential ramifications are the greatest. That doesn't mean we shouldn't take the risk, we just have to make the effort to get them to understand why they can't always be the first to know. It can be years before we know whether or not we're successful in explaining that.
I'm not making things better, am I?
I looked at this post and thought about just deleting it, but I think I'll let it stand.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 24, 2016, 08:24:26 AM
Woah there, being in the closet has nothing to do with being a deceiving liar. It's fraking hard to come out and transition, but this is not a zero sum game. It's not all or nothing. We stay in the closet as long as we do because we were put there during our socialization when we would get reprimanded or sanctioned for being ourselves.
Being trans isn't your fault or decision. Being in the closet isn't your fault or decision. Blaming yourself is. You can also decide to come out when your ready. If it had been safe to come out and people easily accepted trans people as no big deal or whatever, then you would have not sequestered yourself in the closet as long as you have. Think of the closet as your personal bomb shelter, eventually you'll be tired of waiting for the fallout to clear and you'll come out, but for now you've been keeping yourself self from harm.
The real issue you have is one based on trust. You're going to have to trust some other people to be happy. If you can't trust those you love to reciprocate it when you reveal yourself to them, then you have a problem, and your relationship growth will likely be stunted because of it. They need you to give them a chance, before you take it away with assumptions.
Guilt is pointless and life isn't fair. There's no official scorecard that tabulates how much you are to blame for anything. Figure out your priorities and do what you can to attain them.
Every day you have the chance to make a change. Stop condemning yourself for the miss'ed ones, and make an attainable plan for a future one. Pity is self indulgent and won't solve your problems for you, that's your job because no one will do it for you.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Your postings are beautiful Katie, they release some sort of "healing energy" - Thanks!
:) Aly
Quote from: Ella~ on February 23, 2016, 04:50:38 PM
I went to a therapist twice nine years ago when I had my moment of clarity about my gender issues. She was a very good gender therapist and I was secretly hoping she would say I wasn't transgender - just stressed out or confused. No such luck. After only two sessions of telling her my whole life story it was pretty much clear to her. She wanted me to talk to my wife before she would continue with me, out of fairness to her. I didn't disagree with that idea, but I basically froze up and never went back and am here nine years later writing long sobby posts like this one at Susans :( God bless Susan and this website, BTW. But back to it, you are right - I would be best off to talk to a therapist again and get their help in guding me through this. This is part of process that I fear and even taking that step again seems like a terrifying thing. I was pretty much having a silent breakdown nine years ago before I made that call. Maybe that's what it would take to do it again. I appreciate your advice and having someone push me again to see a therapist is welcome and I will think hard about it.
- Ella
Fear is common to all of us. Fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of isolation. I was very fearful of change and i had been presenting the feminine guy facade pretty actively throughout my life. You'd think that to be able to jump the gap to coming out as a woman, would have been less of an issue. No, not less at all.
I'd get a new therapist - Any therapist that would require of you disclosure to your wife as a continued condition of therapy is not good at all. I would have asked if i needed a note from my mom as well.
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 24, 2016, 07:49:10 AM
I have been trying to deal with the fear by analysing it.
Me too. I'm realizing that maybe too much analysis is not a good thing.
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 24, 2016, 07:49:10 AM
My big remaining fear is that she will laugh at me. I really don't know if I can handle that. :icon_cry2:
One thing I originally had trouble with many years ago was with having doubts that I was transgender. I think most of that was wishful thinking that it was something else, but it was also just me making sure. I have no doubts about my identity now. If and when I tell my wife, I don't think she would make me doubt myself on that front. Make sure you feel at peace with your identity and confident in it. Then I suspect that if she were to laugh at you, you could let that roll off your back as well. Your wife, my wife, all wives have the right to feel or react in whatever way they want or need to react. Hopefully it would be with an open mind, empathy and forgiveness, but that is just a hope. Just be strong I guess. ...like I'm one to give advice lol.
Quote from: luanneph on February 24, 2016, 08:05:57 AM
That the tough part about come out is fear, and we don't know what happens to the future. That why we need Gender Dysphoria Counseling help us.
Quote from: RobynD on February 24, 2016, 10:43:57 AM
I'd get a new therapist - Any therapist that would require of you disclosure to your wife as a continued condition of therapy is not good at all. I would have asked if i needed a note from my mom as well.
Yes - I've always seen the value in therapy. I just don't think the time was right the first time around for me. In the therapist's defense, I think it was her point of view that ultimately a good relationship is about being honest and giving both sides the opportunity to communicate. And, she felt that in transitioning, it is important to have good relationships as much as possible. I can't remember if she absolutely required that I tell my wife, but it was close to that. Anyway, she has since retired so I would have to find someone else anyway.
Quote from: Dee Marshall on February 24, 2016, 10:25:55 AM
I can still understand a spouse's reaction of feeling lied to. Your spouse expects to be your safe space, someone you never HAVE to lie to. It's hard for them realize that coming out to them is hardest, because the potential ramifications are the greatest. That doesn't mean we shouldn't take the risk, we just have to make the effort to get them to understand why they can't always be the first to know. It can be years before we know whether or not we're successful in explaining that.
I'm not making things better, am I?
I looked at this post and thought about just deleting it, but I think I'll let it stand.
No, it's perfectly fine that you posted this. I think you are making a very good point about a wife's expectation. As my wife's spouse, I have the same feeling toward her and can see why she would not understand why I felt I couldn't come to her long ago. If and when I come out, I'm going to remember your point and try to explain my rational for hiding this from her all these years. It might not work.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 24, 2016, 08:24:26 AM
Woah there, being in the closet has nothing to do with being a deceiving liar. It's fraking hard to come out and transition, but this is not a zero sum game. It's not all or nothing. We stay in the closet as long as we do because we were put there during our socialization when we would get reprimanded or sanctioned for being ourselves.
Being trans isn't your fault or decision. Being in the closet isn't your fault or decision. Blaming yourself is. You can also decide to come out when your ready. If it had been safe to come out and people easily accepted trans people as no big deal or whatever, then you would have not sequestered yourself in the closet as long as you have. Think of the closet as your personal bomb shelter, eventually you'll be tired of waiting for the fallout to clear and you'll come out, but for now you've been keeping yourself self from harm.
The real issue you have is one based on trust. You're going to have to trust some other people to be happy. If you can't trust those you love to reciprocate it when you reveal yourself to them, then you have a problem, and your relationship growth will likely be stunted because of it. They need you to give them a chance, before you take it away with assumptions.
Guilt is pointless and life isn't fair. There's no official scorecard that tabulates how much you are to blame for anything. Figure out your priorities and do what you can to attain them.
Every day you have the chance to make a change. Stop condemning yourself for the miss'ed ones, and make an attainable plan for a future one. Pity is self indulgent and won't solve your problems for you, that's your job because no one will do it for you.
Wow. There is so much for me to think about here. Thank you. I might write about this one later.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 24, 2016, 08:24:26 AM
Woah there, being in the closet has nothing to do with being a deceiving liar. It's fraking hard to come out and transition, but this is not a zero sum game. It's not all or nothing. We stay in the closet as long as we do because we were put there during our socialization when we would get reprimanded or sanctioned for being ourselves.
Being trans isn't your fault or decision. Being in the closet isn't your fault or decision. Blaming yourself is. You can also decide to come out when your ready. If it had been safe to come out and people easily accepted trans people as no big deal or whatever, then you would have not sequestered yourself in the closet as long as you have. Think of the closet as your personal bomb shelter, eventually you'll be tired of waiting for the fallout to clear and you'll come out, but for now you've been keeping yourself self from harm.
I really beat myself up about being in the closet. I like the spin you put on it and it makes me feel better about myself. I am tired of waiting on the fallout to clear. I've eaten all the spam and crackers and read all the books in my bomb shelter. I'd like to see the sun. Even the rain if that's what it is when I finally walk out.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 24, 2016, 08:24:26 AM
The real issue you have is one based on trust. You're going to have to trust some other people to be happy. If you can't trust those you love to reciprocate it when you reveal yourself to them, then you have a problem, and your relationship growth will likely be stunted because of it. They need you to give them a chance, before you take it away with assumptions.
This is just really powerful. I didn't write my original post in the hope that someone would tell me what to do. I wrote it hoping someone would show me other ways of looking at my situation - ways that might help me break my stalemate. You gave me that here and I am really going to ponder what you've written. It's caused a tiny crack and small ray of light into my head.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 24, 2016, 08:24:26 AM
Guilt is pointless and life isn't fair. There's no official scorecard that tabulates how much you are to blame for anything. Figure out your priorities and do what you can to attain them.
I am always trying hard to let go of guilt. I have and haven't done the right things with this. I should have been open long ago, yes. But, I had sane reasons for keeping it hidden. Maybe my judgement hasn't been good, but my intentions have been.
Quote from: Obfuskatie on February 24, 2016, 08:24:26 AM
Every day you have the chance to make a change. Stop condemning yourself for the miss'ed ones, and make an attainable plan for a future one. Pity is self indulgent and won't solve your problems for you, that's your job because no one will do it for you.
I probably do sound like I'm full of self-pity. I guess I am to some extent. But, I really did start this thread to figure out how to get myself moving in one direction or another. I'm not old, but the clock is ticking and I need to find peace one way or another.
I looked up a new therapist today and I will start working up the courage to contact her. I did it once before and I can do it again. Does anyone have thoughts aboout which is best to do first - see a therapist or come out to
thier significant other?
Therapist first, and come out to your closest family member first, not your SO. Family is forever, your SO can divorce you though, especially if they define themselves by their relationship with you. They might think it's a reflection of them.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Trust me when I say that I've been where you are. One of my own issues is and has always been overthinking everything. I have issues with self recriminations and anxiety as well. So I get why you're struggling because I'm still struggling with similar things. In fact, once I got to the point that my issues I went over in therapy were mostly about life and relationships I was oddly happy because the whole being trans thing was a very minor part in the background.
Life is hard, and we all need to be kinder to ourselves and go easier on ourselves to get through it. That way when the good parts come, we can actually enjoy them without being distracted with our baggage.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I logged on here this morning looking for answers. I'm in a similar boat as the OP, you are definitely not alone. I won't hi-jack this thread but will start another that talks about what I'm thinking at the moment :| but to but it succinctly you are not alone.
Ok. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Not the bad kind of thinking. A more productive kind.
Instead of being frozen I'm going to force myself to take some steps no matter how small they might be.
- I'm going to reach out to a therapist. I may not necessarily go right away, but I am going to at least make contact and feel it out. The hardest part is contacting one for the first time, so I will get that out of the way and have her on stand by if I decide to go a little bit farther down the path in the near future.
- I'm going to think really hard about the people in my life that matter the most to me. I need to identify my potential allies if I decide to come out. It's easy to imagine no one will support me, but I know that's not true so I just need to think about who is likliest to be there for me in the beginning. Maybe my sisters. It's not really a big step, but its something I've never thought too much about and it gets my brain pointed toward taking action one day.
- I'm going to really think through how a conversation with my wife might go. There's no way to no for sure, of course, and she would react however she wants and needs. She's liberal, open minded and LGBT friendly, so I know she wouldn't reject me for some extreme moral reason. The breach of trust would probably be the biggest issue, and rightfully so. There's really no way for me to know any of this, so I can only think it through. It could go badly or maybe even relatively well. Regardless, visualizing a conversation feels like a step forward in that it's a sign I'm really thinking about doing this.
- I really need to think hard about what I want. I need to think hard about what I'm really afraid of. I need to replace fear with something else. Determination maybe. Determination to get to a happier place no matter what or where the is.
- I also need to deal with some regret issues. I wish I had done things differently about this when I was younger. My wife and I met long ago at graduate art school in San Francisco. At the time I knew I was different and not 'normal' gender-wise. But even in that time and place and surrounded by a rainbow of different people I was too much in denial to see what was going on with me. I'm going to work on replacing regret with determination as well. I might have lost golden days, but there is still a lot left in front of me to be determined to live fully.
I'm basically going to gear myself up for a few baby steps. For me, that is a victory. Maybe that will lead to more and more steps and eventually I might even be running toward something and not away anymore.
I wasn't going to add this post to the thread. But, I want to have it to look back on one day in the future. It might help keep me going. Or it might remind me to get back to it if I slow to a halt again one day. But really, I hope I'll look back and say that it was The Moment. Finally.
I would not be too guilty about the breach of trust thing. Many of us don't figure this thing out until later and when we do, we are in denial first. Understanding ourselves is a life time pursuit.
@RobynD: I agree. I think though that my wife will think this is something I should have confided in. Partly because its something she would feel she has the right to know as my spouse, but also because she might feel hurt that I didn't trust her enough to tell her about it long ago. My perspective is self-centered on my years in the closet. I know why I had to keep this from others and I know I had zero intentions to hurt anyone. I also know that until I was well into my thirties and long married already, I was in too much denial to label or identify what I was really going through let alone ever tell anyone about it. Others, including my wife, might not see it that way. I guess it's guilt I feel, or maybe its something else. Whatever it is I think I can make peace with it and move on if and when I manage to figure out a plan of action.
I contacted a therapist yesterday via email. That was a huge step - one I have taken for over 8 years now. I'm not sure what I want to do next with that. I'm always up for doing nothing - as this long rambling post proves. But I'm forcing myself into action mode at the moment so that's not an option for now. If I see a therapist first, it might help me get a plan together especially about coming out. But, my wife and I are close and it would be hard for me to hide the fact that I'm going to see a therapist without me hiding that and possibly lying to cover it. Obviously, more of that kind of behavior isn't good. My other option is just have the therapist lined up and then come out to my wife first then see the therapist right after that. I've also been thinking about telling someone else close to me first, but I haven't yet figured out who that could be. And, I think my wife might be hurt even more if she was the first person in my life I told. Not sure...
I exchanged more emails with the therapist over the weekend. She's available to see whenever I say the word. She gave me some advice for coming out if I decide to do that first before seeing her. Her advice boiled down to being honest and to say the word I use to describe myself no later than the third sentence. And, to not appear uncertain about anything that I really am certain about.
I also spent time thinking through what I want to say to my wife and I even have a huge letter to give her after a talk.
This is the closest I've come to taking this leap. I might do it soon if my courage holds.
Quote from: Ella~ on February 29, 2016, 04:32:11 PM
I exchanged more emails with the therapist over the weekend. She's available to see whenever I say the word. She gave me some advice for coming out if I decide to do that first before seeing her. Her advice boiled down to being honest and to say the word I use to describe myself no later than the third sentence. And, to not appear uncertain about anything that I really am certain about.
I also spent time thinking through what I want to say to my wife and I even have a huge letter to give her after a talk.
This is the closest I've come to taking this leap. I might do it soon if my courage holds.
Hi, i'm happy to read you are trying to find effective solutions. Now i'm waiting to meet the gender therapist (i will meet her after tomorrow) - i just move "baby steps", a little step... then i regain balance and move the other one--
It's just like to walk on a razor blade but i'm pretty trustful. ;)
Hugs
Aly
So, I'm coming back after a little more than a year to add an update to this thread since I had promised myself I would use it to keep myself moving forward.
I STILL haven't told my wife yet. But, I am actually preparing to. Last week I finally went to see a gender therapist again for the first time in 10 years. I am going to meet with her again a couple of more times and then come out to my wife.
My therapist's advice is to be as honest as possible and let the conversation unfold as it will. She also thinks it's important during the initial conversations to be honest about what I want to do or think I might want to do in terms of transitioning so that I don't give my wife false hopes.
I'll admit (and I'll admit it to my wife) that I think about transitioning a lot and I've thought about it more and more as the years have rolled by. I'll also admit that it scares me and that it would probably be the hardest thing I'd ever do. But if I did it, I'm starting to think it would be worth whatever pain, hardship or loss might come from it, because in the end I'd have a chance to be whole and complete for the first time in my life.
The truth is, I'm this close to deciding that I want to transition all the way. But out of prudence, I'm also trying to decide if a handful of much smaller changes and actions could be enough to get me through. I have my doubts, but I can't make a final decision about something as huge as pursuing a complete transition until I'm sure nothing else will work.
I went back to a reply someone made to a post I wrote 9 years ago here. I was asking if transitioning is inevitable if you know you are trans. She wrote that for some people "Transition isn't so much a decision as it is a *consequence* of seeing and accepting What Is." It's taken me a long, long time to get to the point where a sentence like this makes sense to me...
Who knows - maybe I'm already transitioning and I don't even know it. We'll see.
First step is to work a little more with the therapist so that I handle my coming out to my wife the right way. I want to be as fair, gentle, loving and supportive as I can be to her because she never asked for such a thing to hit her.
Ella,
I read this thread with interest as the struggles you have gone through mirror my own. I came out to my wife about my crossdressing three years ago and, to summarise, it all blew up in my face with the result that I agreed to cease all activities. The whole thing is now a taboo subject never to be discussed but, at the time, her feelings of disgust at my 'perversion' were matched, if not exceeded, by her feelings that she had been betrayed over 2 decades of marriage.
Obviously, what didn't go away were my feelings and, if anything, they have intensified and, at this point in time, I know that I should be discussing this with my wife but lack the courage to do so for fear that it will destroy our marriage. Whether I do continue to suffer in silence or finally pluck up the courage to talk about it again, I do not know but what I do know is that I wish that I had understood more about being transgender at the time I came out last time, specifically:
1. In all probability, it resulted from something happening to my brain during foetal development. It's not some dark perversion but almost certainly caused by over exposure to oestrogen in the womb
2. When we married, my TG urges, whilst they had been present from childhood, went away and I genuinely thought that I was rid of them.
3. Until I joined Susan's last year, I too felt that my TG urges were a perversion (and one that I was definitely not proud of) so did my best to keep them hidden
I hope that this will give you some inspiration for the talk with your wife. We are all rooting for you and I hope that you will soon find inner peace.
Hi, Ella. I am glad that you are making progress.
I posted in this thread last year. Since that time, I have come out to my wife, and I am now transitioning. My story is one of success, mostly due to my wife's character.
The fear almost got the better of me. It took me months after I had made the decision to actually tell her. When I did, I had to just power through the fear. I told her that I didn't know what exactly I would do, but that (1) I did not wish to leave her and (2) that I was leaning towards transitioning. She has stuck by me through it all, and is now a candidate for sainthood (or should be).
Regarding the 'guilt' of having been in the closet, I decided that I could not, in all honesty, own it as guilt. That would be self-victimization. Yes, I suspected for years that I might be trans, but at the same time I was in denial about it. My thought process was something like: "I wonder if I am trans." "No, I can't be; no way." (repeat for 30 or 40 years). Denial is a wicked process.
I was never dishonest with my wife about it all those years. I was telling her what I believed myself. It was myself I was being dishonest with. I am not proud of that, but neither do I feel guilty about it. When she asked about why I didn't tell her sooner, that is exactly what I told her. She has accepted it.
I tell you this as a ray of hope. I went from being in a very similar position to you to starting my transition and starting to feeling whole for the first time in my life. Sometimes it works out well.
May your road be as smooth.
QuoteI read this thread with interest as the struggles you have gone through mirror my own. I came out to my wife about my crossdressing three years ago and, to summarise, it all blew up in my face with the result that I agreed to cease all activities. The whole thing is now a taboo subject never to be discussed but, at the time, her feelings of disgust at my 'perversion' were matched, if not exceeded, by her feelings that she had been betrayed over 2 decades of marriage.
I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go well for you. But, you did the right thing in telling her and I admire your courage. Maybe the next time around it will go better for you because you will be armed with a better understanding of yourself and the reasons behind your crossdressing. Maybe your wife will see it in a different light because it sounds like you will be better able to frame it more properly in the context of being transgender. To whatever degree she understands and accepts what being transgender means she might be able to let go of the idea that crossdressing is perverted. She might even begin to see shy you feel compelled to do it. But who knows, wives are people and they are entitled to think, feel and react however they see fit when we reveal things like this to them. It's the unknowable response that I personally fear about telling my wife but I know it's a fear that I have to get past. Maybe you will too if and when you reach a point where you feel you can't keep going as you are. Thanks for the reply and best of luck to you.
QuoteThe fear almost got the better of me. It took me months after I had made the decision to actually tell her. When I did, I had to just power through the fear. I told her that I didn't know what exactly I would do, but that (1) I did not wish to leave her and (2) that I was leaning towards transitioning. She has stuck by me through it all, and is now a candidate for sainthood (or should be).
I am very happy for you. And, stories like this give hope to people like me who have been stuck by fear and unable to take the leap to come out. Also, the points you made in coming out to your wife sound close to what I am planning to tell my wife. It sounds honest in the way my therapist advised me to be.
QuoteRegarding the 'guilt' of having been in the closet, I decided that I could not, in all honesty, own it as guilt. That would be self-victimization. Yes, I suspected for years that I might be trans, but at the same time I was in denial about it. My thought process was something like: "I wonder if I am trans." "No, I can't be; no way." (repeat for 30 or 40 years). Denial is a wicked process.
I was never dishonest with my wife about it all those years. I was telling her what I believed myself. It was myself I was being dishonest with. I am not proud of that, but neither do I feel guilty about it. When she asked about why I didn't tell her sooner, that is exactly what I told her. She has accepted it.
One thing I have worked hard on over the last year since I started this post was to try to get rid of as much of the feelings of guilt and shame that can. I think I've come a long way with that and am generally much more gentle with myself about who I am and the way I've handled myself over the years. I'm not proud of lying, hiding etc., but I had my reasons and certain logic and certain times that might not have been dependable, but it kept me going while I figured all of this out. I can't undo the past but I can affect the future. I don't have time to beat myself up anymore. It sounds like you arrived at a similar place at some point before coming out to your wife and I bet that was one of the keys to your getting the courage to do it.
QuoteI tell you this as a ray of hope. I went from being in a very similar position to you to starting my transition and starting to feeling whole for the first time in my life. Sometimes it works out well.
Ray of light accepted! I have no delusions that everything will be perfect with my wife after I come out. It could go well, it could be a disaster or it could be anything in between. I can't let the fact that there are possible bad outcomes within the range of possibilities prevent me from doing this. I owe it to myself and I owe it to my wife and I know that. Thanks for replying.