why can't I do this?

[Ella~]

I'm 46 and for over forty years now my gender issues have never gone away. Never,ever gone away.

And its been nine years since I opened my eyes and figured out what I was suffering from and that it has a name and it has a solution.

But, I learned something else about myself - I'm an absolute coward. A totally scared and terrified woman just dying to get out of her cage but too afraid to even look through the bars for more than a few moments at a time.

I'm often amazed at my inner strength. I've learned so many tricks and ways to keep my facade intact, even through the most torturous days. I'm sure I could go on and on and on. But, I'm seeing cracks and feel dead inside most of the time.

And yet knowing all of that and going through all of the craziness I go through in keeping myself together I still can't take that first step and tell anyone close to me.

I have a wife and two kids. I love them, they love me and we need each other. I've come close many times to telling my wife everything. But...

I feel like I have a personality flaw that just won't let me take this step. I just want peace and to feel more alive. I've wasted most of the good years at this point in my life. I'm afraid I may never come out.

Has anyone else taken such a long time to come out? How did you do it in the end? What gave you the push you needed? Is anyone debating never coming out?

I'm sorry for the depressing post. I sometimes unload here - it's all I have.

- ella

[Ms Grace]

Hi, I think you'll find the answer to all of the above is yes. Many people struggle for as long if not longer to come out if at all. It is by no means an easy thing to do at all.

[LordKAT]

The only "flaw" you have is perfectly reasonable fear. Dealing with that fear is often easier if you have a trusted therapist who can help with the coming out to spouse and children as well as all the other people you will have to deal with. It is not an easy thing to do and even harder when you are alone.

My suggestion would be to try and find a therapist you can trust and hopefully will work with you and your family on a coming out strategy.

[Alycya]

I'm often amazed at my inner strength. I've learned so many tricks and ways to keep my facade intact, even through the most torturous days. I'm sure I could go on and on and on. But, I'm seeing cracks and feel dead inside most of the time.
(...)
Has anyone else taken such a long time to come out? How did you do it in the end? What gave you the push you needed?

- ella

Yes!

We are almost the same age, Ella. And I've been myself amazed at my inner strength. But, i reached the point i couldn't keep all that inside anymore... it was too much.

Susan's helped me immensely to gather courage and trust. Now, i'm really feeling very fragile - that "strength" is no more very much there, i cry often, but i have also a great sense of relief. And i have finally found a place (a therapy center for transgenders) where i can finally start the transition. I'm waiting for the first appointment.

So, i can very easily understand your feelings and tourmoils - when i called them to get scheduled for the therapy, they interviewed me, and i hardly managed to speak, many times i had to stop saying i was sorry for the emotional outgoing that was overwhelming me.

But, it's not that "hard" (it's hard but not impossible), i managed to do it, maybe u can do it too... Maybe some of that strength should be dropped and some frailness should be welcomed.

My best Wishes,
Aly

[Ella~]

Hi, I think you'll find the answer to all of the above is yes. Many people struggle for as long if not longer to come out if at all. It is by no means an easy thing to do at all.

I think what I always wish is that there were an easy way to handle everything related to gender disphoria. Easy one-size-fits-all solutions, magic wands or a pill of some kind. Sadly, there isn't and I'm afraid I may never find a way that works for me. I'm no spring chicken and I've done a lot in life, but this is the single hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

My suggestion would be to try and find a therapist you can trust and hopefully will work with you and your family on a coming out strategy.

I went to a therapist twice nine years ago when I had my moment of clarity about my gender issues. She was a very good gender therapist and I was secretly hoping she would say I wasn't transgender - just stressed out or confused. No such luck. After only two sessions of telling her my whole life story it was pretty much clear to her. She wanted me to talk to my wife before she would continue with me, out of fairness to her. I didn't disagree with that idea, but I basically froze up and never went back and am here nine years later writing long sobby posts like this one at Susans God bless Susan and this website, BTW. But back to it, you are right - I would be best off to talk to a therapist again and get their help in guding me through this. This is part of process that I fear and even taking that step again seems like a terrifying thing. I was pretty much having a silent breakdown nine years ago before I made that call. Maybe that's what it would take to do it again. I appreciate your advice and having someone push me again to see a therapist is welcome and I will think hard about it.

But, it's not that "hard" (it's hard but not impossible), i managed to do it, maybe u can do it too... Maybe some of that strength should be dropped and some frailness should be welcomed.

Thanks for the kind words. I'm sorry you or anyone has had to go through this, but it makes me feel better whenever I'm reminded that others are in the process of working through this to a better place. I'm glad for you that you are on the path.

I like your idea of embracing the frailty. I think I get freaked out when I'm not in control of this. But, in trying to control it and hold it down and hide it from the world I know I'm making it worse. It takes so much work to play the role everyone expects of me.


You've all given me things to think about. I really don't know what is going to happen. I daydream about making a mistake of some kind that outs me. Maybe that will be what happens. Maybe it will get to be too much and I'll just have a breakdown and get myself to a therapist. I also find myself wishing I wou;d just get hit by a bus or something and I *know* those aren't good thoughts to have.

Or maybe I'll just get brave.

- Ella

[Obfuskatie]

Maybe if you game it out the other way, I.E. What's the worst that could happen?
For me: dying without ever letting the people I love meet me, the real me. I've been blessed to find the support I have, but I never would have known if I hadn't taken the chance.
Most of us are terrified of being alone in the end, but if we're already suffering privately anyway, aren't we already alone? There's no way I could've survived longer in the closet than I did, but there's no reason to convince yourself your a coward for fearing the loss of those you love. I try to not think of it as a whole transition at once, it's a lot of smaller steps taken over a long period of time. The trick is finding that determination to take the first step, the successive steps are a bit easier.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[cindianna_jones]

I was 29 when my spousal unit found out. She was very religious and sought an answer there. The response drove me further towards transition. Once the cat was out of the bag, it would not go back in. I lost everything, even my kids before I had any surgeries. I took a blow to my chin in the divorce believing it was my fault. I don't regret that at all, still.

I feel I had not been honest with her from the start, even though I had revealed my feelings long before I was married to my church leaders. Their response: Get married, have children, go to the temple often, and finish your education. In that order. Yeah... standard Mormon advice at the time. As soon as they found out I was using the ladies room at work on an unused floor in our office building, they excommunicated me.

I hate to give you advice on this. Your cat is still in the bag... slowly exposing itself since you came to this site. You must know that once you start down this path, you have a very good chance of losing your life and must start over. But hey, I'm 60 and now I find myself starting over again. It's the fourth time in my life. I can do this.

My best to you.
Cindi

[Ella~]

Maybe if you game it out the other way, I.E. What's the worst that could happen?
For me: dying without ever letting the people I love meet me, the real me. I've been blessed to find the support I have, but I never would have known if I hadn't taken the chance.

I can relate to this feeling. A year or two ago I had a big health scare (that turned ok) and it really made me think about life. Kind of taking stock and all that. The idea that I could reach the end and never have given myself the chance to show anyone who I really am was probably the biggest regret I could see having. I thought and hoped the whole episode would inspired me to come out, but it didn't. Or, maybe it still might.

I like your strategy,of framing this differently for myself. I'm focused on the possible negative outcomes (probably not without good reason), but focusing on the more positive possible outcomes could help me take the step. Thanks.

I feel I had not been honest with her from the start

Coming out to my wife means doing two very big things. Obviously, the main thing is telling her about this terribly painful issue that I've struggled with since I was a child. But, there is also the whole honesty issue that comes out as well. I suspect I might get some sympathy from her on the first but not so much on the second.

The logical side of my brain knows I am a deceiving liar - not just to my wife, but everyone because I'm trans and in the closet. But, my heart knows that it's totally different than your average kind of deception and lies. Partly, I lied to myself for over 30 years about what was going on with me. Partly I just didn't even know that this had a name or that it was more serious than I thought or that it had a solution until only several years ago. And, I didn't intend to hurt anyone - I genuinely have had stretches of time where I was weighing whether or not I want to do anything about this. Like you said - you can't put the cat back in the bag. You can't un-come-out. During those stretches it made sense to keep quiet. In the end, I knew I had major gender issues before I got married. But, I didn't understand it and didn't allow myself to think about it at the time. I loved my wife, saw at the time that I was stuck being a man and got married.

Sorry for dumping there. Having said all that, I know I have been dishonest and broken the trust my wife has in me - especially over the last nine years. I feel very guilty about that. Again, I'm frozen here and can't take this step. This guilt just feeds right back into it and has create a negative loop.

You had your church telling you to "be a man". I've never had anyone tell me that directly, but I'm keenly aware of that message all the time and in every way. Non-trans people are way more controlled and shackled by gender roles than they will ever know. It's an invisible and powerful force - maybe one of the most powerful.

I appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks.

[KathyLauren]

I can totally relate to this.

I have been trying to deal with the fear by analysing it. 

I thought my biggest fears were about the economic consequences if she leaves me, taking half our resources: I have always had a fear of living in poverty.  I think I am to the point where I could face this fear.

I also thought about the possible anger over the supposed dishonesty of being in the closet.  I think I can deal with that also.  I know I was not knowingly dishonest, and I can let her anger roll off my back.

My big remaining fear is that she will laugh at me.  I really don't know if I can handle that.   

[Meghan]

That the tough part about come out is fear, and we don't know what happens to the future. That why we need Gender Dysphoria Counseling help us.

Luanne

[Obfuskatie]

I can relate to this feeling. A year or two ago I had a big health scare (that turned ok) and it really made me think about life. Kind of taking stock and all that. The idea that I could reach the end and never have given myself the chance to show anyone who I really am was probably the biggest regret I could see having. I thought and hoped the whole episode would inspired me to come out, but it didn't. Or, maybe it still might.

I like your strategy,of framing this differently for myself. I'm focused on the possible negative outcomes (probably not without good reason), but focusing on the more positive possible outcomes could help me take the step. Thanks.


Coming out to my wife means doing two very big things. Obviously, the main thing is telling her about this terribly painful issue that I've struggled with since I was a child. But, there is also the whole honesty issue that comes out as well. I suspect I might get some sympathy from her on the first but not so much on the second.

The logical side of my brain knows I am a deceiving liar - not just to my wife, but everyone because I'm trans and in the closet. But, my heart knows that it's totally different than your average kind of deception and lies. Partly, I lied to myself for over 30 years about what was going on with me. Partly I just didn't even know that this had a name or that it was more serious than I thought or that it had a solution until only several years ago. And, I didn't intend to hurt anyone - I genuinely have had stretches of time where I was weighing whether or not I want to do anything about this. Like you said - you can't put the cat back in the bag. You can't un-come-out. During those stretches it made sense to keep quiet. In the end, I knew I had major gender issues before I got married. But, I didn't understand it and didn't allow myself to think about it at the time. I loved my wife, saw at the time that I was stuck being a man and got married.

Sorry for dumping there. Having said all that, I know I have been dishonest and broken the trust my wife has in me - especially over the last nine years. I feel very guilty about that. Again, I'm frozen here and can't take this step. This guilt just feeds right back into it and has create a negative loop.

You had your church telling you to "be a man". I've never had anyone tell me that directly, but I'm keenly aware of that message all the time and in every way. Non-trans people are way more controlled and shackled by gender roles than they will ever know. It's an invisible and powerful force - maybe one of the most powerful.

I appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks.

Woah there, being in the closet has nothing to do with being a deceiving liar. It's fraking hard to come out and transition, but this is not a zero sum game. It's not all or nothing. We stay in the closet as long as we do because we were put there during our socialization when we would get reprimanded or sanctioned for being ourselves.

Being trans isn't your fault or decision. Being in the closet isn't your fault or decision. Blaming yourself is. You can also decide to come out when your ready. If it had been safe to come out and people easily accepted trans people as no big deal or whatever, then you would have not sequestered yourself in the closet as long as you have. Think of the closet as your personal bomb shelter, eventually you'll be tired of waiting for the fallout to clear and you'll come out, but for now you've been keeping yourself self from harm.

The real issue you have is one based on trust. You're going to have to trust some other people to be happy. If you can't trust those you love to reciprocate it when you reveal yourself to them, then you have a problem, and your relationship growth will likely be stunted because of it. They need you to give them a chance, before you take it away with assumptions.

Guilt is pointless and life isn't fair. There's no official scorecard that tabulates how much you are to blame for anything. Figure out your priorities and do what you can to attain them.

Every day you have the chance to make a change. Stop condemning yourself for the miss'ed ones, and make an attainable plan for a future one. Pity is self indulgent and won't solve your problems for you, that's your job because no one will do it for you.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Dee Marshall]

I can still understand a spouse's reaction of feeling lied to. Your spouse expects to be your safe space, someone you never HAVE to lie to. It's hard for them realize that coming out to them is hardest, because the potential ramifications are the greatest. That doesn't mean we shouldn't take the risk, we just have to make the effort to get them to understand why they can't always be the first to know. It can be years before we know whether or not we're successful in explaining that.

I'm not making things better, am I?

I looked at this post and thought about just deleting it, but I think I'll let it stand.

[Alycya]

Woah there, being in the closet has nothing to do with being a deceiving liar. It's fraking hard to come out and transition, but this is not a zero sum game. It's not all or nothing. We stay in the closet as long as we do because we were put there during our socialization when we would get reprimanded or sanctioned for being ourselves.

Being trans isn't your fault or decision. Being in the closet isn't your fault or decision. Blaming yourself is. You can also decide to come out when your ready. If it had been safe to come out and people easily accepted trans people as no big deal or whatever, then you would have not sequestered yourself in the closet as long as you have. Think of the closet as your personal bomb shelter, eventually you'll be tired of waiting for the fallout to clear and you'll come out, but for now you've been keeping yourself self from harm.

The real issue you have is one based on trust. You're going to have to trust some other people to be happy. If you can't trust those you love to reciprocate it when you reveal yourself to them, then you have a problem, and your relationship growth will likely be stunted because of it. They need you to give them a chance, before you take it away with assumptions.

Guilt is pointless and life isn't fair. There's no official scorecard that tabulates how much you are to blame for anything. Figure out your priorities and do what you can to attain them.

Every day you have the chance to make a change. Stop condemning yourself for the miss'ed ones, and make an attainable plan for a future one. Pity is self indulgent and won't solve your problems for you, that's your job because no one will do it for you.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Your postings are beautiful Katie, they release some sort of "healing energy" - Thanks!
Aly

[RobynD]

I went to a therapist twice nine years ago when I had my moment of clarity about my gender issues. She was a very good gender therapist and I was secretly hoping she would say I wasn't transgender - just stressed out or confused. No such luck. After only two sessions of telling her my whole life story it was pretty much clear to her. She wanted me to talk to my wife before she would continue with me, out of fairness to her. I didn't disagree with that idea, but I basically froze up and never went back and am here nine years later writing long sobby posts like this one at Susans God bless Susan and this website, BTW. But back to it, you are right - I would be best off to talk to a therapist again and get their help in guding me through this. This is part of process that I fear and even taking that step again seems like a terrifying thing. I was pretty much having a silent breakdown nine years ago before I made that call. Maybe that's what it would take to do it again. I appreciate your advice and having someone push me again to see a therapist is welcome and I will think hard about it.


- Ella

Fear is common to all of us. Fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of isolation. I was very fearful of change and i had been presenting the feminine guy facade pretty actively throughout my life. You'd think that to be able to jump the gap to coming out as a woman, would have been less of an issue. No, not less at all.

I'd get a new therapist - Any therapist that would require of you disclosure to your wife as a continued condition of therapy is not good at all. I would have asked if i needed a note from my mom as well.

[Ella~]

I have been trying to deal with the fear by analysing it.

Me too. I'm realizing that maybe too much analysis is not a good thing.

My big remaining fear is that she will laugh at me.  I really don't know if I can handle that.   

One thing I originally had trouble with many years ago was with having doubts that I was transgender. I think most of that was wishful thinking that it was something else, but it was also just me making sure. I have no doubts about my identity now. If and when I tell my wife, I don't think she would make me doubt myself on that front. Make sure you feel at peace with your identity and confident in it. Then I suspect that if she were to laugh at you, you could let that roll off your back as well. Your wife, my wife, all wives have the right to feel or react in whatever way they want or need to react. Hopefully it would be with an open mind, empathy and forgiveness, but that is just a hope. Just be strong I guess. ...like I'm one to give advice lol.

That the tough part about come out is fear, and we don't know what happens to the future. That why we need Gender Dysphoria Counseling help us.

I'd get a new therapist - Any therapist that would require of you disclosure to your wife as a continued condition of therapy is not good at all. I would have asked if i needed a note from my mom as well.

Yes - I've always seen the value in therapy. I just don't think the time was right the first time around for me. In the therapist's defense, I think it was her point of view that ultimately a good relationship is about being honest and giving both sides the opportunity to communicate. And, she felt that in transitioning, it is important to have good relationships as much as possible. I can't remember if she absolutely required that I tell my wife, but it was close to that. Anyway, she has since retired so I would have to find someone else anyway.

I can still understand a spouse's reaction of feeling lied to. Your spouse expects to be your safe space, someone you never HAVE to lie to. It's hard for them realize that coming out to them is hardest, because the potential ramifications are the greatest. That doesn't mean we shouldn't take the risk, we just have to make the effort to get them to understand why they can't always be the first to know. It can be years before we know whether or not we're successful in explaining that.

I'm not making things better, am I?

I looked at this post and thought about just deleting it, but I think I'll let it stand.

No, it's perfectly fine that you posted this. I think you are making a very good point about a wife's expectation. As my wife's spouse, I have the same feeling toward her and can see why she would not understand why I felt I couldn't come to her long ago. If and when I come out, I'm going to remember your point and try to explain my rational for hiding this from her all these years. It might not work.

Woah there, being in the closet has nothing to do with being a deceiving liar. It's fraking hard to come out and transition, but this is not a zero sum game. It's not all or nothing. We stay in the closet as long as we do because we were put there during our socialization when we would get reprimanded or sanctioned for being ourselves.

Being trans isn't your fault or decision. Being in the closet isn't your fault or decision. Blaming yourself is. You can also decide to come out when your ready. If it had been safe to come out and people easily accepted trans people as no big deal or whatever, then you would have not sequestered yourself in the closet as long as you have. Think of the closet as your personal bomb shelter, eventually you'll be tired of waiting for the fallout to clear and you'll come out, but for now you've been keeping yourself self from harm.

The real issue you have is one based on trust. You're going to have to trust some other people to be happy. If you can't trust those you love to reciprocate it when you reveal yourself to them, then you have a problem, and your relationship growth will likely be stunted because of it. They need you to give them a chance, before you take it away with assumptions.

Guilt is pointless and life isn't fair. There's no official scorecard that tabulates how much you are to blame for anything. Figure out your priorities and do what you can to attain them.

Every day you have the chance to make a change. Stop condemning yourself for the miss'ed ones, and make an attainable plan for a future one. Pity is self indulgent and won't solve your problems for you, that's your job because no one will do it for you.

Wow. There is so much for me to think about here. Thank you. I might write about this one later.

[Ella~]

Woah there, being in the closet has nothing to do with being a deceiving liar. It's fraking hard to come out and transition, but this is not a zero sum game. It's not all or nothing. We stay in the closet as long as we do because we were put there during our socialization when we would get reprimanded or sanctioned for being ourselves.

Being trans isn't your fault or decision. Being in the closet isn't your fault or decision. Blaming yourself is. You can also decide to come out when your ready. If it had been safe to come out and people easily accepted trans people as no big deal or whatever, then you would have not sequestered yourself in the closet as long as you have. Think of the closet as your personal bomb shelter, eventually you'll be tired of waiting for the fallout to clear and you'll come out, but for now you've been keeping yourself self from harm.

I really beat myself up about being in the closet. I like the spin you put on it and it makes me feel better about myself. I am tired of waiting on the fallout to clear. I've eaten all the spam and crackers and read all the books in my bomb shelter. I'd like to see the sun. Even the rain if that's what it is when I finally walk out.

The real issue you have is one based on trust. You're going to have to trust some other people to be happy. If you can't trust those you love to reciprocate it when you reveal yourself to them, then you have a problem, and your relationship growth will likely be stunted because of it. They need you to give them a chance, before you take it away with assumptions.

This is just really powerful. I didn't write my original post in the hope that someone would tell me what to do. I wrote it hoping someone would show me other ways of looking at my situation - ways that might help me break my stalemate. You gave me that here and I am really going to ponder what you've written. It's caused a tiny crack and small ray of light into my head.

Guilt is pointless and life isn't fair. There's no official scorecard that tabulates how much you are to blame for anything. Figure out your priorities and do what you can to attain them.

I am always trying hard to let go of guilt. I have and haven't done the right things with this. I should have been open long ago, yes. But, I had sane reasons for keeping it hidden. Maybe my judgement hasn't been good, but my intentions have been.

Every day you have the chance to make a change. Stop condemning yourself for the miss'ed ones, and make an attainable plan for a future one. Pity is self indulgent and won't solve your problems for you, that's your job because no one will do it for you.

I probably do sound like I'm full of self-pity. I guess I am to some extent. But, I really did start this thread to figure out how to get myself moving in one direction or another. I'm not old, but the clock is ticking and I need to find peace one way or another.

I looked up a new therapist today and I will start working up the courage to contact her. I did it once before and I can do it again. Does anyone have thoughts aboout which is best to do first - see a therapist or come out to
thier significant other?

[Obfuskatie]

Therapist first, and come out to your closest family member first, not your SO. Family is forever, your SO can divorce you though, especially if they define themselves by their relationship with you. They might think it's a reflection of them.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Obfuskatie]

Trust me when I say that I've been where you are. One of my own issues is and has always been overthinking everything. I have issues with self recriminations and anxiety as well. So I get why you're struggling because I'm still struggling with similar things. In fact, once I got to the point that my issues I went over in therapy were mostly about life and relationships I was oddly happy because the whole being trans thing was a very minor part in the background.
Life is hard, and we all need to be kinder to ourselves and go easier on ourselves to get through it. That way when the good parts come, we can actually enjoy them without being distracted with our baggage.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[crystalwishes]

I logged on here this morning looking for answers. I'm in a similar boat as the OP, you are definitely not alone. I won't hi-jack this thread but will start another that talks about what I'm thinking at the moment :| but to but it succinctly you are not alone.

[Ella~]

Ok. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Not the bad kind of thinking. A more productive kind.

Instead of being frozen I'm going to force myself to take some steps no matter how small they might be.

- I'm going to reach out to a therapist. I may not necessarily go right away, but I am going to at least make contact and feel it out. The hardest part is contacting one for the first time, so I will get that out of the way and have her on stand by if I decide to go a little bit farther down the path in the near future.

- I'm going to think really hard about the people in my life that matter the most to me. I need to identify my potential allies if I decide to come out. It's easy to imagine no one will support me, but I know that's not true so I just need to think about who is likliest to be there for me in the beginning. Maybe my sisters. It's not really a big step, but its something I've never thought too much about and it gets my brain pointed toward taking action one day.

- I'm going to really think through how a conversation with my wife might go. There's no way to no for sure, of course, and she would react however she wants and needs. She's liberal, open minded and LGBT friendly, so I know she wouldn't reject me for some extreme moral reason. The breach of trust would probably be the biggest issue, and rightfully so. There's really no way for me to know any of this, so I can only think it through. It could go badly or maybe even relatively well. Regardless, visualizing a conversation feels like a step forward in that it's a sign I'm really thinking about doing this.

- I really need to think hard about what I want. I need to think hard about what I'm really afraid of. I need to replace fear with something else. Determination maybe. Determination to get to a happier place no matter what or where the is.

- I also need to deal with some regret issues. I wish I had done things differently about this when I was younger. My wife and I met long ago at graduate art school in San Francisco. At the time I knew I was different and not 'normal' gender-wise. But even in that time and place and surrounded by a rainbow of different people I was too much in denial to see what was going on with me. I'm going to work on replacing regret with determination as well. I might have lost golden days, but there is still a lot left in front of me to be determined to live fully.

I'm basically going to gear myself up for a few baby steps. For me, that is a victory. Maybe that will lead to more and more steps and eventually I might even be running toward something and not away anymore.

I wasn't going to add this post to the thread. But, I want to have it to look back on one day in the future. It might help keep me going. Or it might remind me to get back to it if I slow to a halt again one day. But really, I hope I'll look back and say that it was The Moment. Finally.