I was feeling nostalgic and signed up to make a couple of comments - but this is something that kind of baffled me... the Post Op Life section seems mostly consumed with - parts, and sex. Maybe it's in another section - (or maybe doesn't exist) - but I was sort of expecting to find life related topics in this area. I was expecting to see how people were doing - what they were doing in life way down the road, etc. Maybe it all gets moved to blogs? I suppose it's mostly the demographic - most of whom are either just beginning, in the middle, or just over the process - so you don't get a lot of perspectives from the rear view mirror. And from those that do have that vantage point, they either understandably don't join, or share a lot I guess. :-)
Post-op life is pretty normal. Dating is tough because even though guys think I'm pretty, they don't necessarily like what I am. That being a transexed woman. The dream is still to find a lover who one will one day take me as his bride! Until then I just try to lead a normal life.
My older Post-op friends tend to be stealth, too busy? or disinterested in participating in trans talk. I plan to join them one day.
Post-Op life - working girl:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cd6zp_tUYAA2K8t.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CeB5bejUYAEXtLl.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CZ_5hrFUYAEWLhF.jpg) (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CZCEFSZUAAENI_6.jpg)
EOM
Quote from: ShotGal on March 22, 2016, 11:08:12 AM
but I was sort of expecting to find life related topics in this area. I was expecting to see how people were doing - what they were doing in life way down the road, etc.
Well, other than dilation, post-op life is pretty much the same as pre-op life but with different stuff under my clothing. Dating would be different if I could persuade anyone to actually become intimate, but the chances of that are seeming more and more remote.
Yeah, I admit, I was startled myself when I realized this section wasn't really about "life" so much as it was about being immediately post-op. But I figured that was clearly the purpose of the section, so...
The truth is, my post-op life is pretty boring. :) I go to work, run errands, feed the cats, etc. I did recently get a new job with a significant pay bump and promotion, so that's exciting for *me,* but I don't expect it to be important to anyone else! I guess, in other words, post-op life is just plain old life, but with a vagina (and since cis women don't find that their vaginas influence much of their existence, I'm not surprised that neither do I).
Well Shotgal, here's the perfect opportunity for you to start posting the kind of topics you'd like to see and discuss in this section, your chance to add some more life to Post Op Life :)
As much as the title has life in it, it seems off topic to me. If I made a thread about buying groceries and complaining about the price of petrol I imagine people would be ??? . Seems more suited to social media.
Quote from: OCAnne on March 22, 2016, 11:22:47 AM
My older Post-op friends tend to be stealth, too busy? or disinterested in participating in trans talk. I plan to join them one day.
I think this is probably the answer mostly. Your "life" post is a nice example BTW! I'll admit as much as Susan's forum was a nice resource for myself and others ages ago - I really haven't looked back much until now.
Of course everyone does errands and groceries etc. so that would be boring - but I am loving the price of petrol right now - not complaining at all - it's like the 1980s around here in that regard! (under $2 per gallon!) :-)
Jenna's new job, pay bump and promotion is great - and good for others to see/know that there is success and opportunity out there. (YMMV)
I guess I kind of "get it" too - it's a fine line of not sharing TMI (for those who are fully assimilated into the mainstream), with a healthy dash of not wanting to be narcissistic etc. Yet still, I think there should be at least some knowledge of the "after" life experience - though even by the virtue of posting in forums, it's automatically a very skewed demographic limited only to forum participant types, and those willing to share. :-/
So, yes, maybe life after is uneventful for some, maybe many - but isn't that good? I was just wondering - how's everyone doing? I went lightyears past the survival of it all myself, to places I never would have even dreamt of going. Only wish I would have gone back in time and slap my old stupid self around a bit to have arrived here sooner!
Shotgal : Thanks. :) That's actually a very good point, as it *does* tie into post-op life specifically if I wanted to look at it that way; this is my chance to move away from the job where I transitioned in place. My employer was fantastic about it, but at the same time, I'm delighted to go somewhere that everyone doesn't remember "before." I'm not stealth, but I also didn't make an announcement, and in any case it's a whole different situation when people may or may not know about my history but didn't WATCH me change. (I had a background check, so I assume HR knows, but I honestly have no clue whether anyone in the actual office does.) I've been lucky overall and I know I was here as well, but you're absolutely right that it's nice to know that being trans doesn't necessarily hold people back.
On the flip side, I used to admit my previous name at the bottom of my resume in an effort to be up front... and never got a call back with that resume. Not once. So that's less encouraging, especially since I'm in a very liberal area.
(The price of gas here is quite appreciated, too!)
Post op life for me started February 20th
I plan therapy twice per month.
One thing we have talked about is to keep dreaming , keep looking forward.
For me now it's not about making money, it's about enjoying what I do.
Do what will that be.
Something wonderful?
I hope so
Keri
For me, post op life is a mix of random events and fun.
I moved very far from where I did my transition, I needed this reset in my life. I started to work in a bar (a job I never thought i'll do someday) and enjoy it everyday.
I made lot of male friends ( during transition I was a bit anti-male for some reason I don't know, but realized that now they fit me better as friends ).
I started to be serious about female ufc and I participate every sportive events out there.
I also made changes in my university path, I gave up maths and computer science to a mix of endocrinology and sexual behavior. It will probably not lead me to any job as is but I enjoy all the things i learn :)
Most of all, i promised myself to live with no regret from now on and appreciate my totally imperfect life everyday.
ShotGal, you're right about the need for post op stories. As transition start, we are so incertain where it will lead us, it is good to see how peoples manage to live once they are "achieved". Not much peoples hold their blogs or really keep talking about their lifes after they're settled and this let transitionning peoples in the dark about their possibilities.
I think Post-op life is when we stop worrying about being trans and move on from this forum. For the most part anyway.
So you'll mostly only find people going through surgeries and having issues/questions they want help with. The life part just happens as we move away and move on.
Post op life is pretty much life as we know it
As already said you get up, get rewdy, yes it's without seeing anything out of the ordinary when nude.
I guess the only real thing that changes is you aren't as worried about the little things
Sent from my HUAWEI RIO-L02 using Tapatalk
I'm new here but have been around the community on the web going back to the early 90's (First of on Compuserve). I had my SRS back in 1998 with Meltzer and FFS with DR. O in 1999.
I looked in here because I wanted to see how this subforum was doing.
From what I've seen post-op forums tend not to flourish. The best one I was on was a Post-op only mailing list that at it's height (late 90's early 2000's) had over a 100 members most of whom were active posters and ranged from newly post-op to those that had transitioned and had surgery several0 decades before. For a time it was a great place for new post-ops and I think some of the old timers got something out of it too... but it eventually self destructed over lifestyle issues.
BDSM/Vanilla, het vs lesbian, out and proud vs deep stealth... It was over a lot of issues that seemed to be a lot bigger back then than they are now ... times have changed.
There was once a Post-op only section at Beginning Life but it go so little use it was eventually removed.
In general it seems a lot that makes us feel community with others that go though this tends to dissipate over time once "transition" is over. Certainly the main focus in one's life tends to change, particularly if things have gone well...
If not, there is more of a reason to stick around for support.
Also if one tends to have issues post-op that don't change or go away much over the years, there comes a point where there is no point to keep posting about them.
The most common thing afterwards even when things go relatively well, for obvious reasons, tends to be relationship issues, about being accepted or worrying weather to tell or not (for those who can blend well enough), or dealing with stress of keeping teh secret, or the issues that can arise from staying married to a woman from "before" can bring.
If anyone here knows me from years back on-line, I no longer am the prolific poster I once was... and have resigned myself to some things in my old age.
Now my primary concern is keeping a professional job until I can afford to retire... nothing too interesting to anyone but me.
I'm not stealth and I think most people i regularly deal with know, but I don't talk about it.
In general these days I am a homebody. My life consists of going to work and coming home to my spouse (I stayed married) going to an occasional movie and taking a vacation once a year usually renting cottage on a lake somewhere.
Basically boring. The things I wish were different at this point I know won't change so there is no point talking about them.
The funny thing is that I will probably need to talk about hormones again. I have been off them for about 6 years and have an appointment next month with a new endo to possibly restart so I may need to talk about that...
Also I have not dilated in about 5 years (was never religious about it before that) and am thinking about restarting ... I suspect I have lost significant depth and width (I needed a graft and the suture line exacerbates the issue)... It does not does matter from a practical perspective... but I don't want to lose too much.
Other post-ops are the only ones I could talk to about these types of issues ...
But neither of those is the type of "life" issues the thread starter had in mind...
- Karen
Welcome to Susan's Place Karen_A. I am 33 years post, went 10 years with out HRT and skipped about 10 years of dilation. I have returned to both though the dilation left me walking carefully the first few times. With care you should be able to recovery with out surgery. Feel free to start a thread if you wish to discuss it and I will watch for it.
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Hi Dena.
Quote from: Dena on May 01, 2016, 02:57:06 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place Karen_A.
Thanks!
Quote
I am 33 years post, went 10 years with out HRT and skipped about 10 years of dilation.
While this i not the thread to go into it, I would be interested in hearing why if you are willing to share it. I my case it was a combination of insurance issues and depression.
BTW if you have been in he on-line world a long time, I wonder if we may have crossed electronic paths at one time (I have always used the same on-line name).
Quote
I have returned to both though the dilation left me walking carefully the first few times. With care you should be able to recovery with out surgery. Feel free to start a thread if you wish to discuss it and I will watch for it.
Good to know. Having needed a graft to get reasonable depth makes me less elastic and more likely to shrink than those that did not have one. When I restart (kind of nervous about i) if I have issues I will start a thread.
BTW calling down voting of posts "smiting" has a real biblical sound to it! I certainly don't want to be smited (or is it smitten?) ;)
Thanks again,
- Karen
Quote from: Jenna Marie on March 22, 2016, 12:43:35 PM
The truth is, my post-op life is pretty boring. :) I go to work, run errands, feed the cats, etc. I did recently get a new job with a significant pay bump and promotion, so that's exciting for *me,* but I don't expect it to be important to anyone else! I guess, in other words, post-op life is just plain old life, but with a vagina (and since cis women don't find that their vaginas influence much of their existence, I'm not surprised that neither do I).
That's basically it, unless we're celebrity, nobody is interested in other people's mundane lives, after transition life just moves on, working in jobs and dating, 6 years ago I eventually married a man, now a fulltime housewife, it's not important enough for discussion, cooking and cleaning, just another boring housewife, grocery shopping, housekeeping, and woman's problems, life goes on.
That's just the thing. Aside from figuring out what to do, where to go and how to find the money for a revision, my transition is complete. Being the type not to share too much online, I don't feel too compelled to post what goes on in my day to day life.
I run daily errands, do nessisary chores and visit friends. I was working at a job where only two managers knew about my history (I transitioned while working with one and the other saw my birth name from the background check). Soon I'll be going to school back to school where no one knows.
I refill my meds every three months and with the excepption of dilations, I live like any woman in surgical menopause.
Just pulling this up to put out some ideas of what we might talk about in terms of "post op life" that goes beyond recovering from surgery, dilation schedules, or the banality of picking up groceries.
For me, now in my middle age after transitioning in my early thirties, it's actually been quite profound, possibly because I was lucky enough and stubborn enough to maintain my narrative privacy. My friendships with women, for example, are significantly different. How I feel about sex (and what I like to do in the bedroom) has changed immensely. How I relate to my parents has changed. In new work situations, the social dynamics are different. How to practice effective leadership is different. Even my memories have changed.
I feel like it all comes naturally now, but those first couple of years it was like riding a razor's edge. I hope to write about these experiences soon, in separate threads, but for this one... anyone else have some ideas for general areas of interest to write about?
Quote from: Sophia Sage on October 11, 2016, 05:46:33 PMFor me, now in my middle age after transitioning in my early thirties, it's actually been quite profound, possibly because I was lucky enough and stubborn enough to maintain my narrative privacy. My friendships with women, for example, are significantly different. How I feel about sex (and what I like to do in the bedroom) has changed immensely. How I relate to my parents has changed. In new work situations, the social dynamics are different. How to practice effective leadership is different. Even my memories have changed.
I feel like it all comes naturally now, but those first couple of years it was like riding a razor's edge. I hope to write about these experiences soon, in separate threads, but for this one... anyone else have some ideas for general areas of interest to write about?
As somebody who's lucky enough to even think about going stealth, who's in her early thirties and with SRS next summer, I would LOVE to hear about all of that!
For instance, right now I'm working in this small IT-startup, and I've basically started transitioning here. So people know. It's a nice little 'family' feeling there, we're all hard workers and people genuinely don't seem to care about me being a woman, they already suspected it before and transitioning just put a name on it. Plus, it gave me the freedom to be who I am, so that's great...
... but I'd love to have the chance to really live stealth, because from what I see there's a significant difference in how people react to me. I'm passable but once people know, they still treat you differently. I really notice this with some female friends/acquaintances of mine. I'm 'girly' enough to blend in just fine, I know this from the occasions where I do go 'stealth'. I dunno, for me this is as it was for you, riding a razor's edge. Probably I won't end up wanting to live the rest of my life stealth, but the experience of it seems like a necessary next step for me to grow and develop as a woman.
So pretty pretty pleeeaaaseee..! :D Keep me and those other girls like me posted about YOUR take on this whole thing. I'll live it anyway after SRS, hell I'm already living parts of it now, but it would definitely help me if I know your experiences in doing this whole stealth thing. I don't know about the others here, but to me that's important stuff!
Thanks :D
Yes, post-op life. I had it all figured out after SRS. I first saw myself naked in the full-length mirror and cried with so much relief and happiness it surprised me. Then came the mechanics of post-op maintenance. The dilating. The dilating. The dilating. I got myself a vibrator to make it more interesting because wow, nothing kills an afternoon like sticking a cold dead unyielding piece of plastic into your snooch!
But it got better. Sensation returned in fits and starts, and sometimes painfully, like having needles jabbed into me. Not a great experience when driving on the highway, I can tell you! My HRT actually got more effective, no longer having to fight against the yarbles. (I hope my euphemisms aren't offending anyone.) My boobs kept growing. My hips rounded more, and my fat distribution began to shift more quickly into preferred areas. I'd dieted diligently for years so I was pretty slim, at least for me. Enough of my hair had not waved goodbye that I could grow it out. And I had an excellent and very experienced electrologist who treated my skin kindly while zapping those wires, leaving me peachfuzz. So I passed pretty well, at least visually. I was still in my awkward colt phase in terms of movement. And my voice was barely passable and helped by my appearance. (The phone was not so easy.)
I had in effect been fired from my job where I transitioned (after being told that "of course" there would be no problem). And I was no Laura Jane Grace, but I was in a garage band and got unceremoniously kicked out of that by the guy with the pierced nipples and the other guy with (I was told earlier) a Prince Albert piercing. "Our fans couldn't handle it." That, and the fact that out of some 70 or 80 friends I came out to, I received two mocking replies (with quips about going clothes shopping) and one sincere inquiry and otherwise complete radio silence, meant that I was moving into post-op life with very little connection with my prior life. Oh, that was so painful at the time, but I tell you, that was a blessing because it opened an entirely new life to me, not a life of transition (which itself was a liberation from pre-transition hiding), but the life of a "normal" woman.
And I found that I really wanted to start dating. And I found I was profoundly attracted to men! That had NEVER been the case before. My orientation flipped with my gender morphology. (That happens to a lot of us. I think the idea makes some people uncomfortable. If it happens to you, you probably don't want to tell any guys you knew before. There's a fair chance some will get fairly creeped out reimagining innocent buddy times of the past into encounters with salacious desires.)
I got onto a dating site. I dated some guys. I hooked up with one. And we had sex. And that opened a new world to me. It was something I'd fantasized about (always me as the woman, so it was never something that bled into when my body was all wrong) but the reality was something else. Then I figured I had crossed the threshold of post-op womanhood. (And no, I did not disclose to any of these guys.) I also was date raped. Another threshold for womanhood. I was a feminist before, but now I felt it in my gut. I was the angry feminist. I still am, but the anger doesn't own me anymore.
I'd been told that you don't really know what post-op life is about until five years after. That was true partially. When you live day to day never even thinking about trans stuff or that traumatic pre-transition past, it changes you. Or it changed me. It helped me heal. And I needed healing. (Don't we all?) Just living a normal life—normal in not being burdened by that awful weight, that horrific pain, that desperate despair just from being in the wrong body, the wrong role, the wrong reality. I found new work, met hundreds of new people, made some new friends, all just as another woman with opinions and an inner strength that comes from having survived a horror that I would never wish upon my worst enemy.
And with more years comes more healing. More perspective. And as the worst pains fade and scars heal, you start to notice more subtle ones, the ones that were obscured. (The old joke: One person says their foot hurts. The other person hits them on the head with a stick. "What did you do that for?" the first one demands. The other answers, "You're not thinking about your sore foot anymore, are you?") And I'm coming into work dealing with my ->-bleeped-<- having to do with having been so damaged mentally and emotionally all those years, my bad habits and self-defeating thinking that were conditioned into me when I was trying to cope pre-transition.
And then, just this year, I read a couple of trans novels that had me in tears and I was finally able to grieve for the life not lived, for the loss of never having lived a cis life at all, for how that nearly broke me, and how much remedial work I'm having to do on myself just to try to catch up somewhat. (And I'm talking all inner stuff, mindfulness stuff, spiritual stuff, setting aside of the effects of having a sledgehammer taken to my career and friendships and most of my family.)
So life after transition? For me, it's been finding ways to heal. Finding ways to be a better person. Finding ways to reach out beyond my own pain and truly see others. And you know what? So many people are damaged, not just people with a trans background. Cruelties have been visited upon everyone around us, and they are hurting, too, in their own ways, and maybe that's why so many have a hard time seeing us.
I'm going to stop here. This is only my second post. (My first was in the Introductions board.) I'm glad to be here and "meet" you all.
Amy
Wow Amy Rachel, thanks for your words! Giving hope, and lifting the veil a bit on what might come :)
Makes me so happy!
Totally agree. Now I can focus on on work, my fiancé, family, and friends. In other words, just living my life. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 22, 2016, 12:12:55 PM
Well, other than dilation, post-op life is pretty much the same as pre-op life but with different stuff under my clothing.
Quote from: pretty pauline on May 02, 2016, 10:13:12 AM
That's basically it, unless we're celebrity, nobody is interested in other people's mundane lives, after transition life just moves on, working in jobs and dating, 6 years ago I eventually married a man, now a fulltime housewife, it's not important enough for discussion, cooking and cleaning, just another boring housewife, grocery shopping, housekeeping, and woman's problems, life goes on.
I think what you just said is kind of what someone like myself... on the other side of the fence and wondering what exactly it's like on your side. How does life change after for you? What's different? What's better? What are the downsides? How do you feel about yourself - is that any different? How does it change your relationships?
OK I know that's like a ton of questions all at once.
Your "mundane" life as a housewife sounds quite lovely BTW - for whatever that is worth :)
Quote from: Sophia Sage on October 11, 2016, 05:46:33 PM
Just pulling this up to put out some ideas of what we might talk about in terms of "post op life" that goes beyond recovering from surgery, dilation schedules, or the banality of picking up groceries.
For me, now in my middle age after transitioning in my early thirties, it's actually been quite profound, possibly because I was lucky enough and stubborn enough to maintain my narrative privacy. My friendships with women, for example, are significantly different. How I feel about sex (and what I like to do in the bedroom) has changed immensely. How I relate to my parents has changed. In new work situations, the social dynamics are different. How to practice effective leadership is different. Even my memories have changed.
I feel like it all comes naturally now, but those first couple of years it was like riding a razor's edge. I hope to write about these experiences soon, in separate threads, but for this one... anyone else have some ideas for general areas of interest to write about?
OK... where/how do I find these posts? Very curious to hear the detail on all of this. Feel free to PM me if that is easier.
I can't speak for others, but as far as how has life changed for me in regards to those questions. The big change is at first the very frequent dilation schedule and how it impacts things. Relearning how to bathe, wash and just take care of that area I mean I knew how, but you gradually learn the best way for you to get things really clean and hygienic. Your view of your body really changes. It's a oneness with my body, a wholeness or completeness. You start to forget what it was even like to have what you had before as things feel and appear more natural. Being that I'm in engaged I'm even more hyper aware when my fiancé reaches down into that area without even realizing he is doing it at first I suppose that is a change that I can see coming from his side of this. Before he didn't reach down near that area and now he is unconsciously and consciously doing so. I like that, but have had to divert his hand since that area is off limits for a bit.
Different are the dilations for life. The wholeness and being comfortable in my body. The rest was mentioned in the first part of my response because those things are what is different too and really both questions could be broadly be answered the same way at this point.
What's better for me going to the bathroom is so much easier and comfortable. Before I was self conscious when I went into the ladies room despite knowing I belonged. Now I don't give it a second thought. It's so much quicker actually to wipe compared to wiping the mess that was before. My happiness has gone up. I was happy before but this is like way above that. It's true clothing does fit better too.
The downsides so far is the higher risk of infection and the dilations, but I wouldn't trade those for anything because being whole outweighs the negative. After all the dilation frequency decreases eventually and well the risk can be controlled with excellent hygiene habits.
Whole, complete and natural are how I feel about myself at this stage. I'm content and now preparing my body with the dilations to some day allow something enjoyable for both my fiancé and I to enjoy which I can't wait. Anyways those are my responses to your questions. I really do think that I know it's hard to see and imagine before being post op but for the most part it's one of those things that closes a chapter and allows you to start the next chapter in your life. Anyways. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: MelissaB on November 18, 2016, 09:25:53 AM
I think what you just said is kind of what someone like myself... on the other side of the fence and wondering what exactly it's like on your side. How does life change after for you? What's different? What's better? What are the downsides? How do you feel about yourself - is that any different? How does it change your relationships?
OK I know that's like a ton of questions all at once.
Your "mundane" life as a housewife sounds quite lovely BTW - for whatever that is worth :)
Try using the search option and if that doesn't work have google search the site. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: MelissaB on November 18, 2016, 09:42:14 AM
OK... where/how do I find these posts? Very curious to hear the detail on all of this. Feel free to PM me if that is easier.
Quote from: MelissaB on November 18, 2016, 09:25:53 AMI think what you just said is kind of what someone like myself... on the other side of the fence and wondering what exactly it's like on your side. How does life change after for you? What's different? What's better? What are the downsides? How do you feel about yourself - is that any different? How does it change your relationships?
Everything is different. But again, I live my life with narrative privacy and passing privilege -- everyone treats me like any other woman, which is different than being treated like someone who's known to be trans. This is typically called "stealth" but that's entirely the wrong word as far as I'm concerned.
Anyways, gender is so pervasive, at least in the West, and especially in the U.S., and it mediates all kinds of social dynamics. Men treat me differently, women treat me differently, lovers treat me differently, workers treat me differently, the public treats me differently.
What's better, aside from being gendered correctly (which includes the kind of sex I can have), is having relationships that hinge on more on empathy and understanding than anything else, especially with other women. The downside is less privilege (though the men here would probably say the opposite). In a nutshell.
Quote from: MelissaB on November 18, 2016, 09:42:14 AM
OK... where/how do I find these posts? Very curious to hear the detail on all of this. Feel free to PM me if that is easier.
Alas, the only thread I've started so far was "Female Friendships, Mum's The Word" here in the post-op sub-forum.
The thing is, once you get into living the life, it becomes much less important to, well, hang out on boards with a trans focus. Because most of the people here are oriented around transition -- deciding whether to do it, or what it's like getting started, getting support while it's going on, and then dealing with various surgeries and the aftermath of such.
From there, there are basically two paths -- stick around and "be trans" on a more or less permanent basis, or step back into larger society and be a part of the gender binary, which is what I did. (And sure, you can travel both paths simultaneously, for a while, but this is the general way of it.) I haven't haunted a board like this in many, many years -- well over a decade, and closer to two. I was kind of hoping to find some kindred spirits and exchange experiences, but this board isn't really oriented around my choices, and most women who've done what I've done have had no reason to come back and share -- or maybe they have, and I just missed them.
So, I've been chiming in elsewhere with my own perspective, helping where I can. And, frankly, I've been busier in real life than I expected (I'm in a bit of a transitional phase in my real life, which is why I sought out a board regarding transition in the first place) and just haven't had the impetus to write.
Thank you Mariah and Sophia. It is good to hear from others and get the perspective of what it's likely to be like if you go down a particular path. Sophia if you know other women like yourself please encourage them to post. I totally understand where you are coming from as far as why you would simply fade into life, if you will. I know we are mostly concerned with where we are today and the immediate future on here, but hearing from someone that has walked the path and is no longer in the middle of the day to day issues of transition is very comforting.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on November 18, 2016, 02:17:01 PM
From there, there are basically two paths -- stick around and "be trans" on a more or less permanent basis, or step back into larger society and be a part of the gender binary, which is what I did. (And sure, you can travel both paths simultaneously, for a while, but this is the general way of it.) I haven't haunted a board like this in many, many years -- well over a decade, and closer to two. I was kind of hoping to find some kindred spirits and exchange experiences, but this board isn't really oriented around my choices, and most women who've done what I've done have had no reason to come back and share -- or maybe they have, and I just missed them.
So, I've been chiming in elsewhere with my own perspective, helping where I can. And, frankly, I've been busier in real life than I expected (I'm in a bit of a transitional phase in my real life, which is why I sought out a board regarding transition in the first place) and just haven't had the impetus to write.
Please know there are kindred spirits, even though you might not have found the answers you were looking for right away. Your posts have helped me a great deal, and I hope mine have shed some light onto your situation as well.
As far as choices go, I'm ever more inclined to walk your path. Which is a privilege, but as we can have it, why not? Perhaps I don't have the 20 years of experience under my belt that you've got in doing this, but we each have our own story. Mine has revolved around some of the same topics, I'm sure. Perhaps the most important thing I was trying to ask you is HOW it worked out for you and in what way it colored your life and choices. Maybe I asked too many questions, or perhaps I gave the impression of being a vanguard of a new generation. This wasn't the point of it, as I'm slowly starting to see there's this other possibility (going "mum") and how much it pleases me. To be done with it all, and to be normal. A part of the binary: yes. But also somebody who's got a unique take on life, not making me any less of a woman.
So, in a nutshell: I'm sorry for possibly spoiling your experience here (at least in this topic). Actually it's also been a decade since I've last been on such a forum, and your insights and stories have helped me more than most others. :)
PM me if you want, I'd love to chat more :)
I understand what you mean.... I am post op for many years and has been living stealth... Just speaking for myself... I know it's a bit selfish but life goes on and u try to make up for lost childhood/young adult life so u start to live life....I for one only visits the site when I am planning on a certain procedure and needs opinion and recommendations... Hangout for a little bit , for a few months and then live life again... For me my being a transgender never really comes up or has never been an issue in my post - op life, relationships, work etc. .... Just like anybody there's still ups and downs and disappointments... Heartbreaks has been usually due to personality incompatibilities never about my past ( i don't reveal- to each her own).... But prior to my grs/srs i felt like everything revolves around my being a transgender and I had to explain myself all the time..... Basically life goes on.....
@Melissa: The other women like myself whom I know personally are not inclined to post here, or anywhere so public in general. There's too much life to live. They'd want to speak freely (this board in particular is too big, too structured, and too policed for their needs), without fear of doxxing or being subjected to the judgment of others.
@MissLux: Like you, I'll probably be around for only a while. I too had to attend to some transitional matters -- finding a new electrologist, and re-educating myself on the latest knowledge regarding hormones, but I've also had to attend to things like being between jobs and providing home health assistance to my elderly parents. As you say, life goes on, and most of those choices really have nothing to do with gender at all, or the narratives of the past, if we don't let them.
@Elineq: How has it worked out for me? Beautifully. For me, living this life is what it took to get rid of all my dysphoria. But I'm also extremely lucky. I have family who are on board, and that's been hugely important to my happiness. As to how it colored my life and choices, well, that's kind of hard to answer. I'm happy, I'm gendered female, and I continue to live a woman's life. I've grown in my confidence. I make a decent living, but I'm by no means wealthy. I've had a rich sex life, and I anticipate that continuing. I'm more inclined to seek out new experiences. I cry when I'm hurt, and cautious when I'm scared. And sure, I have a unique take on life... but so does every other woman in the world.
Quote from: Serenation on March 22, 2016, 06:42:18 PM
As much as the title has life in it, it seems off topic to me. If I made a thread about buying groceries and complaining about the price of petrol I imagine people would be ??? . Seems more suited to social media.
What the heck is petrol? ??? ??? ??? Just kidding. You must live across the pond.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on November 22, 2016, 10:56:47 AM
@Melissa: The other women like myself whom I know personally are not inclined to post here, or anywhere so public in general. There's too much life to live. They'd want to speak freely (this board in particular is too big, too structured, and too policed for their needs), without fear of doxxing or being subjected to the judgment of others.
I agree this board is too public to share a lot, and there is more moderation than I think is desirable for a full discussion of some issues...
But even in a private group among only post-ops, judgements are made and arguments can be intense and intensely personal....
I assume you have heard the old joke:
QuoteWhat is the difference between Terrorist and a transsexual?
You can argue with a terrorist
Has a kernel of truth to it, perhaps particularly among post-ops...
Years ago I was on private post-op only mailing list that had new post-ops and some who had been stealth for decades.
While all was well for awhile, eventually arguments about lifestyle tore it apart and destroyed it.
I don't know what the answer is... I think we all benefit by hearing and trying to understand the different paths we walk and why we walk them.
A group that is just an echo chamber of the like minded individuals IMO is not that helpful to those starting out, who need to figure out what is best for them...
Heated discussion is not a bad thing, but how to have them while maintaining respect and keeping the space safe enough so people feel OK in sharing is not something easily done if possible at all...
But I also am convinced not allowing, or refusing to participate, in such discussions is unhelpful to say the least.
- Karen
Quote from: Karen_A on November 22, 2016, 12:30:58 PMeven in a private group among only post-ops, judgements are made and arguments can be intense and intensely personal....
Years ago I was on private post-op only mailing list that had new post-ops and some who had been stealth for decades. While all was well for awhile, eventually arguments about lifestyle tore it apart and destroyed it.
Hi Karen,
Yeah, that's true. I was on a private board back in the day, and it fell apart because someone eventually argued it was
moral to be out and proud, implying of course that not being out and proud was immoral. Needless to say, the ensuing conversation did not go well.
Simply being post-op doesn't mean there's a shared set of values, a shared intention. I think a shared intention is what's key to small groups being successful.
QuoteI don't know what the answer is... I think we all benefit by hearing and trying to understand the different paths we walk and why we walk them.
A group that is just an echo chamber of the like minded individuals IMO is not that helpful to those starting out, who need to figure out what is best for them...
Also true. A board like this is best suited to those just starting out and getting through their surgeries. Which is when most transitioners need the most amount of support.
It's also, though, the time to seriously consider what kind of life can be led after all that is done. It's much easier to step into a life without being out to see if it's right for you, and then come out if it's not right, than it is vice-versa.
QuoteHeated discussion is not a bad thing, but how to have them while maintaining respect and keeping the space safe enough so people feel OK in sharing is not something easily done if possible at all...
But I also am convinced not allowing, or refusing to participate, in such discussions is unhelpful to say the least
At least here I've found that while some resist the idea of going all the way, of living without the story of being trans, the tone of such objections has not, in general, been scathing or derisive or outright hostile. Which is probably due, in part, to the strong moderation here. So there's that.
But I am also convinced that no one has the obligation to participate if it contradicts what they need to heal.
I'm post-everything now. I'm finally spending time on things other than transition. Those were exciting years, of course. Calling it a journey is very apropos, as most journeys are exciting. But every journey eventually comes to an end, and that is where I now am. Like others have expressed, it's back to just living now. The journey's destination is something everyone should keep in mind before setting out into the unknown. RLE (real life experience) doesn't come close to preparing you for what life is really like as a woman post-transition.
Where I live now, no one knows about my trans past. That suits me. I've fallen into a pattern in which the thoughts of my gender are slipping into the background. Gender used to be the first thing that came to mind on awakening each day. My trans friends are slipping away. In many cases, the only thing we had in common was our transitions. It surprises me how little I really knew about those friends.
Do I feel like a woman? I used to ask myself that question a lot. But tell me, what does a woman feel like? What does a man feel like? I don't really know. I can only say that I feel like myself.
I can say I'm happier now. I'm not as anxious, impatient, quick to anger. I'm less critical of myself and others. I love life and the people whose lives touch mine in some meaningful way. I like myself. I can look in the mirror now and not see some stranger.
But otherwise, I'm pretty much who I always was. That shouldn't be surprising. We are who we are. Changing gender doesn't change who we are intrinsically. It's more like shedding a skin which has become too constraining, and discovering something new underneath. I'm more honest about who I am now, and free to express myself honestly. That's huge.
Thank you all who have written. Some time ago I asked the question "to those you are more than a couple of years post-op, has the transition been worth the effort, the losses, the overhead of transition? ". There were no replies to that inquiry. Still on the other side of the transition I wondered whether 5 years, 10 years later would I be content with what I had done, and the struggles not only for myself but for those who would have to go through the process with me, especially my family.
The replies here have answered that in part. It seems that for many of you, you have just become normal women, or men. To me that seems hopeful.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I'm only two weeks post op, already it feels life changing in a positive way. I guess I won't know for months or even years how that will ultimately play out...but I'm hopeful it will continue to go well.
Quote from: anne_indy on December 12, 2016, 02:33:04 PMThank you all who have written. Some time ago I asked the question "to those you are more than a couple of years post-op, has the transition been worth the effort, the losses, the overhead of transition? ". There were no replies to that inquiry. Still on the other side of the transition I wondered whether 5 years, 10 years later would I be content with what I had done, and the struggles not only for myself but for those who would have to go through the process with me, especially my family.
The replies here have answered that in part. It seems that for many of you, you have just become normal women, or men. To me that seems hopeful.
For me, the answer to that question is unambiguously, "Yes, it was completely worth it."
"Every day is a bonus day," my good friend out west says.
*
I have heard how some outside the 'community' express their impression that we live every moment of our existence in thought of our trans anatomical conditions. Allow me to join this thread and persuade them to re-assess their perception.
For me anyway:
- the thoughts were in my mind when it was a medical endeavour.
- I was forced to think about it while fighting for my employment life twice fired for being trans.
- It becomes apparent when I participate in the various trans support groups.
Otherwise, my life is just life:
- I don't wake up telling myself that I am trans.
- I don't take my daily shower thinking I am trans.
- I don't drive my car or ride the city bus thinking that I do so because I am trans.
- I don't go about my errands and activities thinking that I am trans.
- I don't take my medicines thinking it is because it treats my trans.
- I don't do my 'sessions' thinking about my trans.
- I don't shop for groceries and think it is because I am trans.
- I do not cook and eat my meals thinking that I do so because I am trans.
- I do not socialise with friends talking only about trans; people outside my trans-specific life do not know of my situation.
- I go to my physicians and gynecologist for the medical necessity as any female, not thinking I go because I am trans.
- I don't watch TV, listen to the radio, read with the thought that I am trans.
- I do not go to sleep thinking that I had a trans day and dream of trans issues during my sleep. Okay, maybe there was one exception from the old days - I endured 'morning sickness' from my early ERT which led to night-time dreams of various stages of pregnancy. Then again, cis females get 'morning sickness' and have sleep-time dreams of pregnancy.
Reality goes far more than trans - life is more than trans.
I gave little thought to my trans life between the time of my first firing for being trans (mid-1980s) til the latest time my employer fired me for being trans (late-2000s). Nor do I now obsess on it.
There are likely important points of our lives, but that we do not dwell on them except for the rare, specific times when they take priority. Otherwise, that matter plays an non-significant notion to our living.
No?
*
I do believe Sharon has nailed it. Life is what we do. Being a transgender person is part of it, but it just doesn't have much of an impact on the day to day routine. I get up, have breakfast, clean up. I "put myself together" like any woman. I go out and about to take care of errands, fulfill the daily necessities, and generally get on with life. It's all pretty much what any woman does, transgender or not.
The 'transgender' thing is really only a concern at a few private points in the day where my transitional state makes things like bathroom use a little trickier, trying to avoid my dysphoria triggers, or elsewhere when someone else decides to make it an issue. That's been rare so far, fortunately.
This morning I got up, made coffee, had breakfast, took my meds, made an appointment for a routine checkup after the new doctor mail-nagged me, and now I'm about to get dressed and head over to Ikea to get some small office furniture to help me with my volunteer (ham radio license) examiner duties. I may get lunch there. This afternoon I'll get in a walk, assemble furniture, maybe go out for a coffee break. I'll make dinner, perhaps watch the local news, tinker with getting props together for a class, and finally read a little, and go to bed.
It's just life. Live it. Beats the heck out of the alternative! We get on with it like anyone else.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I guess after we finished all of our trans related stuff, life just awaits us.
We've spent so much energy and motivation on accomplishing our trans related goals and then suddenly... ???
we are done, everything is done so what now ... spending this energy (that was consumed by transstuff before)
on something new, hobbies, achievement, relationsships or whatever....
Now life starts and we somehow have to find our part in the world :D
Post op life for me is pretty normal. I'm not a girly-girl ie. Dresses, heels, makeup. I try to fit in, not stand out. I'm a jeans kind of gal...no flash, no bling...just being me.
I do t talk about sex postop...that's private in my opinion...but hey, that's me.
I belong to a great church that knew me before transition.
Met a great guy who is with the police and have been married a couple years.
Funniest thing, just over a year ago, I took up hunting and fishing. Never did it before, but after backpacking, spending a lot of time soloing, I wanted more. Now I'm infatuated with it. Something about competing in a mans world and being great at it is very empowering.
Biggest change for me is my distance from the trans world. I have no trans friends...not sure why. I only just rejoined this site a couple days ago as I was getting reminders of posts in my spam folder. I'm glad I rejoined, I like to read how everyone is dealing with life struggles and successes.
At some point soon, I doubt I'll be online much as My hubby and I are selling our house this summer and moving way up north and going off grid. Neither of us thrives in the city, nor do we want to be here.
I found roller derby, another thing I wish I had done earlier in life, but it became my life for almost 8 years. As I approach 50, I am looking at what is next. I cannot play derby forever, and each day new kids who have better knees and more stamina keep coming up. I have often thought about building something (that is not my house, which I have been doing for the last 5 years) or getting back into art. It has been so long and I am constantly drawn back to it.
Nina, I can relate to not being the "girly-girl", since it is extremely rare to see me in anything but workout wear or jeans and a t-shirt. This is just me and just how I live my life. I popped back into the community to reconnect before I have a few surgeries this year, and then I will probably fade away again, probably staying on the grid, since that is where I work :)
But I do wonder what is next. What is the next thing I can do, or be, or create? The best thing about all of this is that life keeps going on while our community keeps growing. We may pop back in from time to time to say hello or catch up with old friends which is something that makes us special. We have each other, we have this community and even though we may not be here all the time, there is always someone out there carrying the torch to help our new brothers and sisters. And every once in a while, the voices from us old birds can be heard echoing through the halls.
Life moves on, but we never truly leave as long as we still care for one another. I for one am very happy there is a community like this I can still be part of, when I need it <3
-S
The life part? Well, for starters, I am not post op yet. However I have been different since I can remember and my adolescence was very troublesome, because my parents didn't want to accept me and school is just terrible for children who act and look like girls but 'should be' boys. So I found myself with a very rough start in life and when I was 17 I joined this site mostly for help and figuring out things. (This account was deleted though)-
At 18 I started job hunting as a girl (without my name changed) because my parents had threatened to kick me out. I was shy of 2 months on HRT and was passing everywhere, thanks to my natural mannerisms, a baby face, feminine voice and light frame. Which was why living as "boy" was so hard. People would "clock" me more than they do now, couldn't even tell what I was (old ladies were nicer thougg, called me little miss). So, yeah, I definitely needed a lot of support and guidance in the beginning. With luck and understanding bosses, I was able to work as a girl, finance my name change, paid for HRT, medical expenses and save. My family finally supports me so it got easier but doesn't deny that I did most of it by myself...
As for why I am less on here...life just goes. I no longer need the same kind of guidance I needed 2 years ago and now I have a more active social life, am studying to be a nurse, am focussing on my hobbies and waiting for thevreferral letter which will allow me to undergo SRS. I get treated as a girl everywhere, I read, I dance and want to do volunteering again or even choir classes. But nobody is interested in other people's mudanes life, I agree, lol. So that's why I no longer post as much. Being treated as a girl is different but not that different from before because I already was different (see what I did there lol eheh), you get told you are pretty, get talked down to in jobs and people assume you are dumb. My life is now about not letting those stereotypes get to the best of me and help people in ways I can. I am not out and proud as many on here, but that is my choice and there's other ways I can help people than being out.
A part of me is selfish and wants to make up for the lost childhood but I also like helping people, which is why I volunteeered and am now studying nursing. That is all fow now, sorry for the rambling lol
Post-Op Life.
Looking back on it all. After my physical transition in 77. Life just became the same as most people, boring.
My partner and a bought a house in the suburbs of WASH DC in 83, and we just blended into our work neighbors family like two woman growing old. Left what little there was of a LGBT community behind.
I retired in 2011 and after she died in 2014, I decided to get back out to the LGBT community.
Looking back on this, I tell the ones going thru this to think about what it is they want to do or be after.
I was in IT maintenance and had to wear pants and simple tops for work. I was a very girly type when not at work, but after a while that became too much of a chore.
I have decided to go back to being an older girly type, and am having some fun again.
Even hoping for some kind of love/sex life again. Not easy being 66.
My perspective pre op was always that surgery was sort of a black hole. People in real life support groups got it, then just disappeared. I always said I wouldn't be one of them, but I understand why now.
I'm only a month post op, so maybe my thoughts will change, but right now what I'm finding is this feels a lot like the beginning of the transition instead of the end. I breezed through so many things on the mad quest to get the surgery that now I'm thinking oh crap. I have no experience in some very basic life experiences, like dating, basically being a virgin, interviewing for a job, going to a funeral or wedding, etc. And the only way to get that experience is to put my focus into life and interact with people that are already fully assimilated into society.
I still come back here once in a while like many others, but I don't spend all day here like I used to.
Quote from: Emileeeee on February 11, 2017, 12:00:55 PMMy perspective pre op was always that surgery was sort of a black hole. People in real life support groups got it, then just disappeared. I always said I wouldn't be one of them, but I understand why now.
I'm only a month post op, so maybe my thoughts will change, but right now what I'm finding is this feels a lot like the beginning of the transition instead of the end. I breezed through so many things on the mad quest to get the surgery that now I'm thinking oh crap. I have no experience in some very basic life experiences, like dating, basically being a virgin, interviewing for a job, going to a funeral or wedding, etc. And the only way to get that experience is to put my focus into life and interact with people that are already fully assimilated into society.
Yes.
There are other worlds than these.
I'm starting post-op life tomorrow (the recovery has been more surviving than living), But I will still deal with trans stuff.
- My transition was a speedrun to surgery, so I left a lot of things on the way. body LHR, facial electro, voice training... I plan to continue working on that. I have also been pretty secluded from society all this time, so I have to start all of that from scratch.
- I will keep assisting to my discussion / support group for LGBT women. I can help other transwomen with my experience, but overall I will mostly identify as a lesbian.
- I still have a lot of therapy to do. Transition was not exactly smooth for me and I have a lot emotional scars and trauma that I need to work on. My body is healing well, my mind is still quite broken
- Maybe I will try dating / sex once I feel emotionally better
- I will try to combine work with going to college. I want to study psychology and being able to help other trans folk would be nice. Not a lot of therapist with experience around here.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on February 11, 2017, 12:36:46 PM
Quote from: Emileeeee on February 11, 2017, 12:00:55 PMMy perspective pre op was always that surgery was sort of a black hole. People in real life support groups got it, then just disappeared. I always said I wouldn't be one of them, but I understand why now.
I'm only a month post op, so maybe my thoughts will change, but right now what I'm finding is this feels a lot like the beginning of the transition instead of the end. I breezed through so many things on the mad quest to get the surgery that now I'm thinking oh crap. I have no experience in some very basic life experiences, like dating, basically being a virgin, interviewing for a job, going to a funeral or wedding, etc. And the only way to get that experience is to put my focus into life and interact with people that are already fully assimilated into society.
Yes.
There are other worlds than these.
Go then. Ka is a wheel.
Quote from: Wynternight on March 17, 2017, 09:09:17 AM
Yes.
There are other worlds than these.
Go then. Ka is a wheel.
I hope that movie comes out soon. I don't have time to read that series all over again.