Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello people..

I know, my first topic.. and even my first post, is going to be an insane cry for help. Never in my life I've felt so desperate, I really need advice.

To start with.. I'm a 25 years old male, though, as far as my memory reaches, I've always been a woman. Throughout my entire life, I've been battling major depressions, one of which nearly killed me.
At around age 6, I realised I was different, though, nobody in my environment has the slightest idea. I'm a "very masculine" man, with a healthy appetite for women. I absolutely love women, I adore them, they're the prettiest beings on this planet.. though I often I find myself checking out women in pure jealousy, wishing I were them, wishing I wasn't living a life in a body you can never learn to love, one that just feels alien. From very young on, I started reading transgender fiction, loads of them.. many many nights I would go to bed, wishing I'd wake up as a girl.

Even with all the depressions.. I've always managed to put my feelings aside and just move forward, crawl out of the ditch over and over again.. just to tumble back in, this time it's just different, I'm having sleepless nights, wishing I could cry myself to sleep, but I can't.. researching everything about HRT, transgender in general.. and I completely lost my eating appetite, It' s as if I have lost the fight of denial.

I'm a good looking guy, though on the small side with 5,6" in height.. and a bum many girls would kill for, are the only things that are really on my side if I ever were to transition.. I can't see my facial structure being feminine, I am carrying a little overweight right now though..

But the thought of doing so scares the hell out of me, I work as a maintenance technician for crying out loud. I love my job too. I'm scared to come out to my friends and family, I'm scared to come out to myself, the thought of becoming a woman scares me.. because I put everything at risk, I don't even know if I'd look acceptable being one, it's such a rough road for a very unstable person, which I am.

I've went from 223 lbs to 175 now.. in a course of 3 months. I'm running the living hell out of my body to weight 143lbs, not just to see if I could pass as a woman, also to keep somewhat happy. I'd slip in a deep depression, again, if I didn't. I really feel I need to transition, because this will undoubtly get me killed at some point. I am just so tired of pretending.. but then again, NOBODY would suspect any of this from me.. I appear to be very masculine, though I look rather cute than masculine.. it's generally my behaviour, my love for women. Whatever I do, people are going to be shocked.. and I don't even have the slightest idea how to be a woman, other than some "online pretending" I've done.. don't judge, wasn't nice to do .. but atleast I could be who I really am.

I hope there are people with similar experiences that are able to help me, by sharing what they did, how they approached things..

Thank you,
Roxy

First of all, welcome to one of the safest places for trans folks of every type, Susan's.

Second, lemme tell you a story. I'ma year older than you, lived as female for a great deal of my life, and never really started questioning whether or not I was actually happy being female very much. I had little moments here and there, but I often forced myself to forget about them. It wasn't until two years ago when I sorted everything out in my head, decided that being male was definitely for me, and so I came out.

My mom was accepting, but since I never showed signs as a little kid that I wanted to be male, she obviously questioned me. However, she's supportive. The rest of my family is, too once I explained it to them. The only hold out is my older sister but my mom is certain she'll come around sooner or later.

So I think the only question you have to ask is, "Is my family pretty liberal?" if not, coming out might be a bit more difficult, but there are resources on this site for how to come out to friends. Believe me,I was terrified. The last friend I had to come out to, I felt like I was on my way to the guillotine before I broke the news to him; we had DATED which made it twice as nerve wracking to tell him. But he was cool with it in the end.

Sometimes, you just gotta take a leap of faith with this. Tell a close friend how you feel.

What do you feel inside? Is it genuine? If it is, then no one is going to take that from you.

Good luck to you.

Dear Roxy,
It sounds like you are in the right place (this forum). So much of what you said is familiar to me and I'm sure others here. I hear the panic in your words. First realize that things don't progress all in one day. Things are a bit less scary if you realize you can take things a step at a time to figure out what is right for you. Many people who have male to female feelings are attracted to woman. They are two separate issues. Talking to someone like a gender therapist could be a positive thing for you. I know the feelings are powerful. (I hid them for 50 years.) Know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not alone in these feelings either. If you find that you must transition, you have time to adjust to the changes. You will be surprised at what you will be able to do if you set your mind to it. Believe me, it is possible for things to turn out well for you.
Moni

Roxy,

Welcome to the site. It is a safe place and we have many people with a lot of very different experiences. While no one's story is the same, I recognize many aspects of your intro. Thanks for sharing such an intimate set of truths. It takes some bravery to do that.

I would highly suggest a therapist as well. A gender therapist is preferred but a general one can usually get you started in the right direction. They are there to help you get through this maze of challenges, denial, acceptance and then maybe how to proceed.

It is all very scary. I have shown signs since I was 8 or 9 but like some others either didn't get it or denied till last year. At 50, I hit a wall of depression and had to do something.

I have come out to my wife of 25 years and my oldest of three daughters(18). I came out to some friends and all of my medical contacts. However, I do not present female yet(although almost all the clothes I wear now were purchased from the women's department). I am not out at work. I am not out to my parents or siblings. I think it is coming but I have been moving very slowly.

Enough about me. I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. There are a lot of us out there. I also wanted to share some links with you. They include some welcome info for new members as well as the rules that govern the site. If you have not read them yet please take a moment to do so:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

Once again, welcome to Susan's. I hope you find what you are looking for. Don't be afraid to ask questions and join in when you can.

With warmth,

Joanna

Welcome to Susan's Place. We all face fear and we all have problems we need to work out to be comfortable in public. In finding this site you have found a large group of people who can help you work through your problems. Therapy is the first step because that will help you with your fears but while you are doing that, we can help you work through the rest of it. When you post, make sure you spell out any problems you are facing and often in a few hours you will receive several helpful replies. If there is anything I can help you with, let me know. I am post surgical 33 years and if I don't know the answer, I might be able to help you find it.

Hello Roxy,

I guess I am in the same position as you. My family is conservative and I live in a pretty conservative country as well. Gender therapist can be expensive, however, I have told myself that I would need to go and see one later this year. For the moment, I have came out to a two of my friends who accepted who I am. I have been going out with them and they treated me as another girl when we go out, which in some sense, satisfy my inner needs. I personally did not tell my best friends as I have grown up with them and i am still not comfortable in telling them something that will impact how they see me.

With regards to the research, I have done quite a bit as well, and have already planned out, which therapist to go to, which country and clinic to go to for the specific surgeries.  I think it is natural for us to search for these things, as to me, it is a way out. I do get depressed sometimes (maybe quite often), over not being able to transition and really live my life. But sometimes I know its just hormones that is affecting your mind and at that point we are not clear headed. Give it a good cry if needed and do not be impulsive. Make your decisions when you are clear headed.

Hugs

Thank you all for the overwhelming feedback. The post took me 5 minutes to type out,
but almost a hour before I had the guts to post it, but straight after I felt a huge sense of relief
and actually slept good for the first time in a long time.

It's definitely not hormones, it's a genuine thing I have been blocking my entire life due to shame.
I saw my younger brother coming out of the closet, being gay.. and my family wasn't very supportive, imagine
their last other child coming out being a woman and the fact I am attracted to only girls.. or mostly girls, I remember
one occasion that was different, but then again, very rare a guy would trigger me.

Signs were very apparant, as a little child I mostly played with girls, one occasion I remember one of them (me being 9)
say "Hey, you sway your hips like a girl." I was so shocked and traumatised by that one event, I sat on a bench that entire week
during breaks..

I KNOW I'm stuck in the wrong body, the only thing on my mind is, do I keep ignoring it, live a life full of depressions..
or do I transition, maybe not turn out so well and live a lonely life too.. and my age pressures me a lot, 25 is pretty late for a change,
but I think do-able.

Either paths scare the hell out of me, I have so much to lose both ways.. :(

age, the conundrum of us all, What I'd give to have transitioned before 30 or 40 years old.

Hi Roxy, it's a scary decision that you're making. None of what you say about yourself makes it sound like you *shouldn't* transition. And what you say about how you feel (and how you hang onto the little things where people tell you you're like a woman) says you might want to.

Twenty-five is later than sixteen, sure. But it sure is good compared to forty-six!

Whatever you decide, I hope you can be happy. :)

I'm just scared that I'll end up with a body I feel even more awkward in, very concerned due to the fact I'm 25 already.

I'm "lucky" I have hips as a man, "lucky" to have nice full thighs too.. but I'm also naturally pretty muscled all over my body.. without ever hitting the gym, does muscle disappear with HRT? The only real concerns I have is messing up my body, transitioning failing and well.. I've a pretty good standard to look at, my sister.. we're like twins, everyone keeps telling me that's me in female form, makes me warm and fuzzy inside.. but then again, this is all very scary.

I really want this but at the same time it's cutting off my breath. (even more)

Here are a few resources that could help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

You could try a few changes to hair and clothing style, and see how they make you feel ...
I'd say listen to a feeling of joy.

An experienced gender therapist would be an idea, there are also online therapists:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

Quote from: tsroxy on April 27, 2016, 12:37:11 PM
I'm just scared that I'll end up with a body I feel even more awkward in, very concerned due to the fact I'm 25 already.

I'm "lucky" I have hips as a man, "lucky" to have nice full thighs too.. but I'm also naturally pretty muscled all over my body.. without ever hitting the gym, does muscle disappear with HRT?

Yes many people report muscles shrinking.

Quote
The only real concerns I have is messing up my body, transitioning failing and well..

Many people start out with a low dose which leaves no permanent changes, and the first weeks see how it makes them feel. Psychological changes are among the first and many report a feeling of relief.


hugs

Thank you Laura!

Roxy,
Hi again! I told you this place would help with some answers. As I read your posts I can almost feel you arguing with yourself. "Should I have these feelings or should I feel like my parents want me to feel." Now, I am not saying what I think you should do, but you must know that these feelings can not be turned off like a faucet. There are no decisions that will only have good aspects to them. From a perspective of running from my feelings for 50 years, I will tell you that I regret not being true to myself earlier. Your parents were given their lives to live, right? They did what is best for themselves. You have the right to do what is right for you, live genuinely. As for worrying about your body as a woman, you may never be perfectly happy, but what cis woman is perfectly satisfied with their body. It comes with the territory (my wife tells me all the time. lol) What I will tell you is that answers are helped by real life experiences. For years I didn't know if I really was transgender. It wasn't until I started taking steps that I said, "Yeah this is right. Wow, yeah this is soooo right for me." I say think about taking some steps and watch how you feel about it. Keep in mind, you may have a part of your mind telling you you should be ashamed. You will have to sort it out. You have time. You are way young. Heck even finding yourself at 58 is still pretty fantastic.
Moni

Thank you so much Moni. You're point on with all you said. I'm very scared of what people would think,
how I'd come along.. for losing my job.. at my work I'm considered the cool technician who everybody likes,
women chitchat about me everyday. Everybody's jaw would drop hard, for years I've put on a perfect façade of manliness.
To the point I tell myself "walk like a man, be tough.", I always watch my step.

I've come to terms with myself, first I need to lose a lot more weight (10kg atleast),
which I plan to do in two months, when I reach that goal I'll find a therapist.. can't find any
gender specific one though, only a team of doctors thatll assist you, starting with therapy,
but this already scares me, I'd like just therapy and see what would be my best option.

Seen many people transition around 25yo and well past and they turned out great,
makes me think I could start enjoying life at around 30.. Feeling hopeful, not less scared though.

Many doubts still in my mind, I question myself all the time.. and shame.. ugh..

Does a "genderteam" force you to live as a woman pre-hrt??
I read it somewhere and thats just scary, I would like to
-if I were to transition- stay a man until I'm passable as a woman.

I don't have the courage to dress as a woman in this body wow!


Edit: I read even more scary stuff.. people being denied HRT.. I would be devastated if I'd go and get denied
and I have the feeling if they judge so harsh that I will get denied, I've lived my life 100% as a women crazy
guy and kept these feelings locked inside, not even my family would believe me at this point if I told them,
I literally got nothing feminine about me, other than my soft character & very emotional etc :/

Pff, stress..

Quote from: tsroxy on April 28, 2016, 09:46:14 AM
Does a "genderteam" force you to live as a woman pre-hrt??
I read it somewhere and thats just scary, I would like to
-if I were to transition- stay a man until I'm passable as a woman.

I don't have the courage to dress as a woman in this body wow!

Pff, stress..

Hi, Roxy!  Welcome to Susan's!

I live in New Hampshire, so your mileage may vary depending on your location, but in the US no reputable gender therapist will demand that you live as a woman prior to receiving HRT.  This *used* to be more common years ago, but thankfully it's changed and the WPATH standards of care (which all providers should use to guide their treatment of transgender patients) make it clear that you can start HRT without transitioning socially first.

This *should* be the same worldwide, but I'll let our members from other countries speak to their personal experience there.

Hugs,
Liz

Yeah thing is.. I'm from Europe and the country I'm from only has one hospital (yes, a hospital) with a genderteam assigned to it. I even read if you qualify for HRT, you should be sterilized first.. like what the hell, isn't that a violation of human rights or something? Not that I want children but I'd like to keep that decision up to me and not have it forced on me, wow?

Quote from: tsroxy on April 28, 2016, 12:28:03 PM
Yeah thing is.. I'm from Europe and the country I'm from only has one hospital (yes, a hospital) with a genderteam assigned to it. I even read if you qualify for HRT, you should be sterilized first.. like what the hell, isn't that a violation of human rights or something? Not that I want children but I'd like to keep that decision up to me and not have it forced on me, wow?

Yikes!! I've never heard that one before.  I'm really sorry.  I don't understand why anyone would recommend that.

It's definitely true that HRT itself often has a sterilising effect, so if you want to keep your options open I'd recommend looking into sperm banking.  This is what I'm doing right now -- the wife and I want to add at least one more to the team at some point, so we're not taking any chances.

I don't want children but I don't feel they have the right to force that upon you!
Belgium by the way, anyone familiar?? The genderteam wants to examine you
for a year before you even have a chance with HTR, I dont want to lose another year.

There is a guy on here who lives in Belgium, he is waiting to get on hormones. Maybe he will chime in and help you. However, I'm certain that in Belgium there is no requirement to be sterilized to get on hormones. I just think it's a long wait and there is some amount of what in the US we would consider gatekeeping.

I know there are European countries (like the one where I have my passport from) that won't allow you to change gender on your identification without having had GRS. But that is only to legally be a woman or a man, not to actually physically transition.

I had similar fears as you (I'm FTM btw) of not wanting to socially transition prior to physical, but I have since started taking lots of steps and love how I feel as I present more and more masculine. So I will second everyone's advice and say that you should slowly but steadily start taking small steps to see how you feel as you do things that are more feminine.

-Joel

Thank you Joel.

I knew Belgium couldn't suck THAT much so I did some better research.. you can get around the genderteam, you just need a qualified psychiatrist and I found some addresses.. and they need to give you a referral letter in order to get HRT. Also healthcare covers most of the transitioning.

I'm very sure I want this, now I only need to find the guts to deal with it, I don't want to throw it into the open until I have no choice anymore (during HRT), so I won't have people trying to talk me out of it and make it even harder on me.

Now very focused on losing weight, currently 176 lbs at 5,6".. is there like an ideal weight to start HRT with? I definitely need to get rid of some muscle ugh.. my lower legs are freaking cyclist legs, they're the heaviest part of my body. >_<

Roxy,
Hi again! HRT after 11 months has given me a different look. I am less muscular and a bit more curvy. Being large on the bottom is a good thing. I wish I was. What I really wanted to say is about fear. I hear a lot of fear in you. There are some good books on dealing with fear. For me, I have faced a lot of fears to get where I am. I will soon have facial surgery and go full time right after. Am I afraid, no! I'm terrified! Am I brave to transition, no. I am just more afraid of living a miserable life as a guy. I deal with the fear by not letting it stop what I want to do. Refuse to let it paralyze you. Don't lie to yourself, saying I'll do it when the fear goes away. It won't ever go away. Do what you must do while being afraid. You will feel great after and then deal with the next fear.
As far as shocking everyone, no one guessed I was transgender. I've told about 200 people between family, friends, and work. At first it was hard. After a while I started to enjoy telling people. It wasn't a big deal any more. Just remember, taken a step at a time, you will surprise yourself with what you can do.
Moni

Thank you again Moni, your comments really help me a lot.
Large at the bottom, also quite large at the top sadly.. fear is
the only thing holding me back, god wish I knew about transitioning
and the possibilities years ago before I went throught puberty.

I fear that I'd never be able to pass as a woman, if my decision was made
I think I'd rather live misserable then lonely in that case.. :/ Ive female friends
who are larger at top then I am though but I carry a lot of muscles..... I dont know
how to lose them, theyre natural, except for a lot of cardio I dont work out.

Except for emotionally and mentally being locked up in a cage, I wouldn't even know
how to properly behave as a woman, so many hard mannerisms cooked into me, it'd be
a massive throw around.

Not many people know about me tbh as it doesn't really come up in conversation so I just live and grow as me with no excuses or intro.

I don't really expect any problems for me with people knowing but their discomfort would be harder to deal with as I'm a pretty good reader.

If they just see me change slowly and get used to my new name it will be easier for them when I make my last name change. Then keep doing what I'm doing already.

If asked I'll tell them straight then it's name change o'clock if not I'll probably end up just spilling at some point as I'm not very good at waiting.

Back on topic nobody says you have to wave any flags so you can still just keep doing what you want while changes happen. As and when you want to tell people go for it and if not you can stay under the radar pretty much indefinitely but as with everything else it's your call.

Hi Hon,

A few things. The hospital in Belgium should be following the WPATH standards of care, you can download them through Google and they are on the wiki here.

The next International WPATH conference is in Amsterdam in June, one task is to make sure allied countries follow the SOC and have education programs for family doctors in place.

NO ONE has to live as a female or male to get HRT. Forced sterilisation is against the European Law. It is illegal. The hospital you mention know this and do not advocate it. One of the world leading trans endocrinologists works at that hospital.

You are young. I transitioned at 58 and I have been incredibly successful, 25!!!! I only could wish.

Keep to your dreams and live them.

You can do this.

I did.

Thank you so much Cindy. Aren't they harsh in selection though? I read about people being
rejected HRT, if you'd see me in real life you wouldn't have a clue I'm transgender, I beat any actor or
actrice on TV.. I've 100% commited myself to living as a male, thinking my feelings were weird and abnormal behaviour..

Visually or by my behaviour you wouldn't notice anything feminine about me, it scares me thinking they wouldnt take me
seriously. A guy at work just told me a TG joke, so awkward, all you can do is smirk. -_-

Also the 1 year therapy prior to HRT bugs me, is it true in the hospital? I can't wait another year, already am late with 25.

Quote from: tsroxyAlso the 1 year therapy prior to HRT bugs me, is it true in the hospital? I can't wait another year, already am late with 25.

There is no "year required therapy", according to the WPATH. If I'm wrong, someone can correct me but this very thing was the subject of my first post here. The individual therapist might require to be certain in their observations, but this seems to be going away fast. I came out in October of 2015 and started HRT in January of 2016. Best! Thing! Ever!

Hmmm...I'm tempted to post a pic comparison of myself. I'm still worried that I won't pass, even though personality-wise I'm already passing really well. (My name is Cassie, not Kathy.) I was manly as they come and 50 lbs (23 kg) overweight. It was only the last picture where I noticed "Hey, I'm pretty cute". I've been keeping a record of my transition and one thing I do is take a picture once a month, plus the one pre-HRT photo.

You can PM me the picture if you'd like, I'll pm you what I currently look like. Don't feel comfortable throwing myself on the internet since I'm not out to anyone yet (and not sure if I ever will be >_< )

I'm manly, quite petite for a man with only 5,6.. broad shoulders and broad body in general though, heavy bone structure (though the last time I was "skinny", I was probably 18 years old. Can't remember how I look like without the extra kg's I'm carrying)

Just wrote an email to the hospital, explaining my situation and asking questions such as therapy duration prior to HRT,
feel very excited about this, hope they come back at me soon!

I hope when I start hrt I'll be able to pass, I've a rather cute than masculine face (which Ive always masked with a beard, else
I just look boyish and younger than 25 BUT I have a quite blocky figure which I hope are mostly muscles and fat, my legs are so freaking muscular despite running EVERYDAY, cant shrink them. :(

You're far from alone in your feelings about passing. Many of were there. The following is from an older thread:
At 6ft tall, ugly as sin, almost as bald as a cue ball, super-sized super orbital ridges, big feet, frog hands, and deeper then the average males voice, I experimented with transitioning twice in my past, both times utter fails. A lot due to attitude. I never allowed my self to put those "Some Guy" in a dress thoughts in the rubbish bin where they belong.

Almost 30 years latter about the positive physical change is being an inch shorter. Emotionally a lot has changed. However, I also put in the extra time to have as unambiguous female presentation as possible. Loving girlie-girl is a plus. I also do casual like jeans, when more appropriate.

Perhaps it's luck, but I haven't been mis-gendered yet nor had any of the confrontations I did 30 years ago. Today when I do get those lingering a tad too long stares I chalk them up to looking pretty good for an old bat rather then the immediate going negative response I had. I am sure the shear joy of being out in the real world as the real me has a lot to do with looking at the positive side.

Becoming involved with a support grout, eventually a therapist to help with a lifetime of baggage, a ton of self help books, getting in touch with my spirituality, plus going back on low dose HRT all led to Joanne venturing out into the light of day as a true self. What a joyous day that was and still is

Quote from: tsroxy on April 27, 2016, 05:47:29 AM
...
I saw my younger brother coming out of the closet, being gay.. and my family wasn't very supportive,
...

I didn't see any other reply addressing coming out to your family, so I'll throw in my two cents (sorry American expression).  I suspect that your younger brother might be someone you could talk to. 

In my case I had my gender challenges bottled up until I was 53.  I came out to my sister (6 years older than me) and we talked for hours and hours.  It was very therapeutic and she has become my go-to person when I need to scream in both frustration and in excitement.

About two weeks ago I was questioning everything.  I told her everything that was going on in my head and after we talked and I explained my concerns I found that they were unfounded.  I've been totally at peace and have felt  wonderful since then.

My therapist is $125/hour and 90 miles (145 km) on the other side of Chicago so getting to see her is expensive and challenging.  My sister, although not an expert, is someone I can talk to and not be judged.  Your brother may be just the ally you need.

Sadly that is out of the question, he broke ties with everyone including me, though I did support him all the way. (He came out to me first.)
Situation is different too, even tough I struggle with dysphoria, I don't want people seeing me as a gay guy, I'm hetero, in this body atleast.
Not sure how he could help me, he probably wouldn't understand, I hide all feminity pretty well. First question anyone would ask me is my
sexuality I think.. and they wouldn't understand when I tell them I like women.

(though I don't know what would happen if I were to transition, I always imagined myself being the girl when.. sexy time.. even with my girlfriends, is that weird? In my body right now it's a BIG no though, no no no. )

Quote from: pj on April 30, 2016, 08:39:33 AM

My therapist is $125/hour and 90 miles (145 km) on the other side of Chicago so getting to see her is expensive and challenging.  My sister, although not an expert, is someone I can talk to and not be judged.  Your brother may be just the ally you need.

There are online therapists who can also write letters:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

Alternatively you might ask her if she would consider skype sessions.


hugs

Ughhhhh.. so I sent an email to the hospital the other day, "anonymously" telling them my story, background, personal information, only thing I didn't throw on the table yet was my real name.. now SOMEHOW, they responded using not only my real name, but the full initials. The type of name you'd only get one match of in the world (or facebook will do), a name like "Don Pablo Juan Mkay ToobadIknowyourfullname". So okay, they know who I am, my identity, my story, everything.. not that bad you'd think, except that their response mail came from some random dude that accidently got their response email coupled with my original email. He went like "oh uhm. Hey, this seems important. *full email and response*. I'm so freaking embarrassed, come on now hospital.. =_=

If the name was in the message body, you are correct. If the name was in the header (from field), the email program adds that after the message is received if it wasn't sent.

Yea, I didn't know, its a mail I use to avoid spam on my real one but its also linked to my YouTube account, thats where they got the name from. This thing put me off from responding though, I wanted to stay anonymous until I got everything figured out before dropping bombs.

How can they send such a private topic to a random person and respond to thè mail with my full name when I finished the mail "anonymously for now". :/

Quote from: tsroxy on May 04, 2016, 11:47:55 PM
Yea, I didn't know, its a mail I use to avoid spam on my real one but its also linked to my YouTube account, thats where they got the name from. This thing put me off from responding though, I wanted to stay anonymous until I got everything figured out before dropping bombs.

How can they send such a private topic to a random person and respond to thè mail with my full name when I finished the mail "anonymously for now". :/

Well you have  a few options:

-you could answer reiterating this needs to be kept confidential and you would like to make your mind up until you feel ready

-you could make a totally new account unconnected to you and start anew.


hugs

If you had ever communicated with the hospital (or even your Dr) by email or gave it to them on a form, it was automatically tied to your account when you sent it in.  It's too late now, but I setup a separate email account on Yahoo.com for all things Trans* related.  Until I'm out, I'll use that email address with a pseudo-name (such as PJ) attached.

Sorry this happened to you.  Keep in mind that you are not alone, there are probably many transgender people who frequent that hospital.  I don't think you have a reason to be embarrassed.  You are who you are.  As I'm learning - Be proud of who you are.

In the US we have very strict laws about medical information being very private.  The HIPAA laws are, IMO, more strict than our banking laws.  Sending something like that through email is a no-no.

No, I've never been to any hospital in my life, ever.. and they responded to my email, but they sent their response to the wrong person, I don't know how they could mess that up. :/

So some random guy I don't know, knows everything about me now, he was nice enough to forward the email to me.. but I've been so embarrassed about this I still haven't replied.

This mail I used is also a "fake" email, used when I sign up somewhere, to avoid spam on my main one.. somehow it has all my details to it, so they got my full name even though I tried to stay anonymous.

Quote from: tsroxy on May 06, 2016, 11:57:47 AM
No, I've never been to any hospital in my life, ever.. and they responded to my email, but they sent their response to the wrong person, I don't know how they could mess that up. :/

So some random guy I don't know, knows everything about me now, he was nice enough to forward the email to me.. but I've been so embarrassed about this I still haven't replied.

This mail I used is also a "fake" email, used when I sign up somewhere, to avoid spam on my main one.. somehow it has all my details to it, so they got my full name even though I tried to stay anonymous.

In your email program you can go to an option where it says "show all headers" or similar.
if you open your sent mails they show all info that really went out with your mail. Its possible your name was included somewhere in there.

Well if they sent it to the wrong person of course it was their fault. But often personnel is understaffed and not used to using computers. So I would simply write it off .

As said above, imo you might either reply politely and ask about the things that happened, and ask for it to be kept confidential from now on, or you might use another mail and start anew.


hugs

Quote from: tsroxy on May 06, 2016, 11:57:47 AM
This mail I used is also a "fake" email, used when I sign up somewhere, to avoid spam on my main one.. somehow it has all my details to it, so they got my full name even though I tried to stay anonymous.

Staying anonymous is hard. Anonymous as in, doing drugs online, or child porn or something like that. Of course, we don't need to be like that so it's somewhat less difficult. But there's still lots of things that escape the average joe.

I can offer advice on that. Feel free to PM me!

I have 2 FB accounts, one male the other female. Both use separate yahoo emails. Yet somehow through that mutual marketing loop my female FB started asking if want to be friends with people from the male personnas Yahoo email! WTF???

Thank God there is almost no way anyone would recognize my head shot in female mode. I guess there is one advantage to being trans and balding rapidly since 14 y/o

I liked to stay anonymous because I still don't know if undertaking action is the right thing for me to do yet.. but I want the option to be there, so I asked them certain things like waiting time, the procedure and stuff..

I've never felt like a male but at the same time it's the only thing I know, a lot of people feel satisfied jumping into a dress or wearing a wig.. to me it'd make it would make things worse, because I would realise even more I'm stuck in a wrong body. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go thought a long transition.. or if I even have a chance of ever passing. Seeing changes people made on here makes me hopeful though, you're all gorgeous.

At some point, passing no longer seems as important as being happy with yourself. We all get terrified at the thought of transition, but hopefully we all get over it too. It took me 40 years to find the courage and when I did it, I said the same thing everybody before me said, "Why didn't I do this before?"

I think I get the dress and wig thing as for me even if it looked perfect it would make me feel fake inside. Do genuinely love how great everyone else looks though particularly Tasha_ with the red wig on.

I need to take the slower path until I can "see myself" in the mirror wearing just my underwear or (someday - after surgery) naked to feel 100% comfortable in this/my body.

Quote from: JoanneB on May 07, 2016, 10:16:12 AM
I have 2 FB accounts, one male the other female. Both use separate yahoo emails. Yet somehow through that mutual marketing loop my female FB started asking if want to be friends with people from the male personnas Yahoo email! WTF???

Thank God there is almost no way anyone would recognize my head shot in female mode. I guess there is one advantage to being trans and balding rapidly since 14 y/o

Cookies and face book is really bad about them. I make regular orders from Grainger's for work on my laptop and I get adds attempting to sell me large fuses and industrial hand cleaner on some of the news and weather sites I visit. It's better that some of the adds I get on the home system that never visits Grainger's.

Quote from: Dena on May 09, 2016, 09:36:45 PM
Cookies and face book is really bad about them. I make regular orders from Grainger's for work on my laptop and I get adds attempting to sell me large fuses and industrial hand cleaner on some of the news and weather sites I visit. It's better that some of the adds I get on the home system that never visits Grainger's.

Yeah, must be a thousand advert sites love Graingers. "Got it? Get it" And amazingly Apache Radio. For MONTHS they are both in in the add-space for whatevers.

What really got me were the very specific, only appearing on either Skype (rarely if ever used at home) or Yahoo (male) email account contacts on my fem nom-da-plume's account.

I thought I was good at covering my tracks

Quote from: KyleEdric on April 26, 2016, 06:57:36 PM

What do you feel inside? Is it genuine? If it is, then no one is going to take that from you.

Good luck to you.

I know that's right. This would make an awesome signature. These are very powerful words...



@ Roxy:
I agree with Kyle. You'll find a lot of great resources and help here. This is a very wonderful place. If it were not for Susan's, I hate to think of where I might have ended up. I would have a life that is not mine. If you want something badly enough, you'll find ways to get it. Don't focus so much on 'acting like a woman.' Just be You and see where that gets you. To tell you the truth, I feel more like a real individual that way then to try and act like something according to standards and stereotypes. Hang in there. You'll find your way. ;)