It seems any and every time I see/hear a trans guy talking about a partner or going out on dates it is with another man (mainly cis). I rarely see the same with those of us that are exclusively attracted to women. Is this just coincidence or a real thing?
I know I have an awfully hard time even getting a woman to go out with me once they know I'm trans. Are cis men more accepting? I knew that dating would be difficult but I didn't know it would be THIS hard. Doesn't help that the person that did accept me dumped me unexpectedly and moved on to a cis guy. They've almost been together a year now. Every rejection since just feels like salt in a gaping wound.
No, you can run up against similar problems with cis (gay) men as a gay FTM.
That's actually interesting because in my experience more of the trans men I know/see, whether it be on social media or otherwise, are straight. I actually have yet to see more gay/bi trans men than straight trans guys - the number of straight trans men I see usually outweigh the gay/bi trans men. That's in the general public though, and tends to be with trans men who are more public and out there in various forms of media. In some other LGBT+ groups/areas that I know, it tends to be more balanced between straight and non-straight trans guys, or there may be more non-straight trans men. So I think it might depend on where you're looking? It's curious that we have different experiences regarding this though. I'll stop rambling on about this, I think at the end of the day it generally depends on the place and context.
Anyways, I think dating life is bound to be a bit harder if you're trans, and it upsets me sometimes and is also a pretty big area of insecurity for me, but I guess it's sort of the truth. I do know it's not a breeze being a trans men interested in men, either, even if only based off of things I read and experiences I hear about. I really don't know if there's a difference between how accepting cis women are and how accepting cis men are to dating trans men. I do know that there are cis men out there who are quite adverse to dating trans men though :( But I also know of cis men and women who are very open to dating trans people, and trans men who are in long term relationships with cis women. It usually depends on the individual, there are accepting people (but also the less accepting ones) in all circles.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad experiences though :( You're not less of a man in any way, but I know that those kinds of rejections really, really string. I hope you find someone who's more accepting and loves and respects you for who you are soon.
I have had pretty good experiences with women and I haven't had a problem with getting girls, girls tend to be way more open minded anyways. I usually give girls a chance to get to know me before anything happens because in reality I am just a man but whether I tell people right off back or not I still have it pretty easy as a trans man, for the simple fact that I have qualities that alot of women like in a man and I get told quite often that I am handsome so it could be depending on how you pass as well tbh.
Quote from: jmyle on June 24, 2016, 11:45:33 AM
That's actually interesting because in my experience more of the trans men I know/see, whether it be on social media or otherwise, are straight. I actually have yet to see more gay/bi trans men than straight trans guys - the number of straight trans men I see usually outweigh the gay/bi trans men. That's in the general public though, and tends to be with trans men who are more public and out there in various forms of media. In some other LGBT+ groups/areas that I know, it tends to be more balanced between straight and non-straight trans guys, or there may be more non-straight trans men. So I think it might depend on where you're looking? It's curious that we have different experiences regarding this though. I'll stop rambling on about this, I think at the end of the day it generally depends on the place and context.
Anyways, I think dating life is bound to be a bit harder if you're trans, and it upsets me sometimes and is also a pretty big area of insecurity for me, but I guess it's sort of the truth. I do know it's not a breeze being a trans men interested in men, either, even if only based off of things I read and experiences I hear about. I really don't know if there's a difference between how accepting cis women are and how accepting cis men are to dating trans men. I do know that there are cis men out there who are quite adverse to dating trans men though :( But I also know of cis men and women who are very open to dating trans people, and trans men who are in long term relationships with cis women. It usually depends on the individual, there are accepting people (but also the less accepting ones) in all circles.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad experiences though :( You're not less of a man in any way, but I know that those kinds of rejections really, really string. I hope you find someone who's more accepting and loves and respects you for who you are soon.
That is very interesting that we've seen completely different things there. It is possible that I pay my more attention to circumstances that confirm my theory.
Thanks for the empathy. She didn't dumped me because of being trans at all. Its just compounded by difficulties dating since.
Quote from: Brandon on June 24, 2016, 12:09:17 PM
I have had pretty good experiences with women and I haven't had a problem with getting girls, girls tend to be way more open minded anyways. I usually give girls a chance to get to know me before anything happens because in reality I am just a man but whether I tell people right off back or not I still have it pretty easy as a trans man, for the simple face that I have qualities that alot of women like in a man and I get told quite often that I am handsome so it could be depending on how you pass as well tbh.
I "passed" right away. It's been 2 years now. Women find me attractive, I don't have a problem there, hope I don't sound like I'm bragging! Definitely not. What tends to happen is once I disclose they cannot proceed with dating.
I change it up from not disclosing until they get to know me as a man to telling them up front. It could just be coincidental and situational. Who knows. I'm hoping that I can have phallo eventually which may make it a bit easier.
That's interesting as I mostly see the opposite. Women that I've known care more about personality than anatomy while a lot of the gay men are mostly interested in whether or not you have a penis. It goes both ways, but generally it's been easier for straight trans guys I know.
I myself am bisexual though if I had to choose only one I would go with men. I just don't worry about it, though. Dating is difficult for most people, and being confident enough to ask a lot of people out is how "players" actually get so many dates--if you wait for people to come to you or asking one person out a year then love is a lot less likely to happen. My advice? Don't worry about it and just ask out whoever you are interested in! If finding out you're trans is a no-go for them oh well. Smokers, atheists, and people who own lots of cats are all people I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with but there's nothing wrong with them. We just aren't right for each other.
Quote from: CMD042414 on June 24, 2016, 12:35:58 PM
I "passed" right away. It's been 2 years now. Women find me attractive, I don't have a problem there, hope I don't sound like I'm bragging! Definitely not. What tends to happen is once I disclose they cannot proceed with dating.
I change it up from not disclosing until they get to know me as a man to telling them up front. It could just be coincidental and situational. Who knows. I'm hoping that I can have phallo eventually which may make it a bit easier.
Maybe you should try keeping your options open, get to know a few girls and go from there but don't lead anyone on, that's the only reason I have neverbeen one to want to keep my options open because I'd feel like I'd lead to many women on and on top of that not to brag but I can very easily get a girl into bed if I wanted to so I'd rather not go that route but it does work for different people. They say everything happens for a reason tho so it could just be that you were not meant to be with any of those girls. Everyone has a sou mate.
Quote from: FtMitch on June 24, 2016, 12:38:03 PM
That's interesting as I mostly see the opposite. Women that I've known care more about personality than anatomy while a lot of the gay men are mostly interested in whether or not you have a penis. It goes both ways, but generally it's been easier for straight trans guys I know.
I myself am bisexual though if I had to choose only one I would go with men. I just don't worry about it, though. Dating is difficult for most people, and being confident enough to ask a lot of people out is how "players" actually get so many dates--if you wait for people to come to you or asking one person out a year then love is a lot less likely to happen. My advice? Don't worry about it and just ask out whoever you are interested in! If finding out you're trans is a no-go for them oh well. Smokers, atheists, and people who own lots of cats are all people I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with but there's nothing wrong with them. We just aren't right for each other.
^^ That's what I said, women seem to care more about personality
A lot of gay trans guys I know have complained about not being able to find a partner, whereas straight trans guys I know haven't even mentioned not being accepted, a lot of them even have girlfriends. And I know a lot more straight ftms then gay ones. I'm guessing it depends on your region and specifically the people you run into though.
Quote from: FtMitch on June 24, 2016, 12:38:03 PM
That's interesting as I mostly see the opposite. Women that I've known care more about personality than anatomy while a lot of the gay men are mostly interested in whether or not you have a penis. It goes both ways, but generally it's been easier for straight trans guys I know.
I myself am bisexual though if I had to choose only one I would go with men. I just don't worry about it, though. Dating is difficult for most people, and being confident enough to ask a lot of people out is how "players" actually get so many dates--if you wait for people to come to you or asking one person out a year then love is a lot less likely to happen. My advice? Don't worry about it and just ask out whoever you are interested in! If finding out you're trans is a no-go for them oh well. Smokers, atheists, and people who own lots of cats are all people I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with but there's nothing wrong with them. We just aren't right for each other.
Good to hear. I'm in my mid 30s now so I'm not out as much as I used to be. Going out a lot more though. You get to a certain age and you'd rather steal some sleep lol. I tried online dating. Didn't like it too much.
How are some of you disclosing? And when?
Quote from: CMD042414 on June 24, 2016, 02:45:48 PM
How are some of you disclosing? And when?
I generally wait till I know for sure that she likes me then I disclose but you also really have to make sure the girl is worth it trust me I have opened up to so many girls and they were just not worth it, so always make sure y'all really connect or or are hitting it off but personally I think you should let people get to know you first unless you didn't start out as friends as that's completely different.
I have had no problems finding female partners. I think it really depends who you are approaching and how you approach them.
I found online dating pretty easy in terms of finding women who were open to dating trans men. When I was doing it, I would disclose in my profile and use specific search terms to find open minded people ("queer" is probably the most effective one I found). And as a guy, you have to message first. Can't just let them come to you.
Easier than that? Let your friends do the work for you. I feel like everyone has a "matchmaker" in their friend circle somewhere. If they know you're trans, they should also have an idea of who they know who would be open to dating you. If it's not someone on the fringes of my friend group that I kinda-sorta know, I usually let the person making the introduction disclose for me before I agree to start talking to them. No use wasting anybody's time.
My wife is a trans woman. My first shot of T is likely tomorrow. It's like our confusion compliment each other. Try hanging around the pansexual+/genderfluid folks and you're bound to run into someone you're into who's into you too.
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Nah, dating in general is just impossible.
Quote from: vivavideri on July 01, 2016, 01:06:49 PM
My wife is a trans woman. My first shot of T is likely tomorrow. It's like our confusion compliment each other. Try hanging around the pansexual+/genderfluid folks and you're bound to run into someone you're into who's into you too.
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Mod Edit:Language
Welcome to Susan's Place. I hope you are finding what you need and feel free to ask any questions you might have. I have a little light reading for you.
Things that you should read
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Quote from: Nygeel on July 01, 2016, 03:33:17 PM
Nah, dating in general is just impossible.
If I end up single, I couldn't get into the dating game. I wouldn't even know where to start.
To the OP, I know several trans guys in my town and I'm the only gay one. I don't know if that follows trends. A few of the guys are single and have a hard time dating but 4 are married and three have kids. I think dating overall is just difficult.
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Quote from: Dena on July 01, 2016, 04:41:45 PM
Welcome to Susan's Place. I hope you are finding what you need and feel free to ask any questions you might have. I have a little light reading for you.
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Thanks Susan!
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Quote from: Nygeel on July 01, 2016, 03:33:17 PM
Nah, dating in general is just impossible.
True so true
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Quote from: vivavideri on July 01, 2016, 01:06:49 PM
My wife is a trans woman. My first shot of T is likely tomorrow. It's like our confusion compliment each other. Try hanging around the pansexual+/genderfluid folks and you're bound to run into someone you're into who's into you too.
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This is true. In fact there are trans dating sites if you google them you'll find all kinds of people who are specifically into trans people.
Quote from: alienbodybuilder on August 10, 2016, 10:05:05 PM
This is true. In fact there are trans dating sites if you google them you'll find all kinds of people who are specifically into trans people.
I find that they are full of members that haven't been active for like 3 years. And they tend to be much younger than me.
Quote from: CMD042414 on August 11, 2016, 08:40:51 PM
I find that they are full of members that haven't been active for like 3 years. And they tend to be much younger than me.
I don't know how old you are, but I'm on TGpersonals and it's definitely active with many users of different ages. The only problem is on any transgender website the MtFs are more popular and sought. I've made some good friends on the website.
Don't think I've heard of that one I will look into it.
You can also try looking for pansexuals. I'm guessing there might be some transphobic ones but generally I feel like they'll be more okay with it than people who are explicitly gay or straight.
I would say it's just as hard for gay identified trans guys, if not harder than straight trans guys; especially when it comes to cis gay men. Most of the encounters I've seen when they're asked if they'd date a trans guy, most of them said no because of...that reason.
I've fortunately been lucky to find a partner (going on four years), and had one cis guy have a crush on me for over a year who didn't seem to mind or care that I was trans--especially when I was pre-T.
Im a weird outlier with dating since most people I date are my friends and they learn to accept me and love me before they get close to me.
...and ironically for someone who's mostly gay I've always dated girls, who were also like me on the other end of being trans.
I guess our minds just think alike? We understand our mutual struggles and thats what makes it easy to love regardless of where our sex or gender may lie
Quote from: alienbodybuilder on August 10, 2016, 10:05:05 PM
This is true. In fact there are trans dating sites if you google them you'll find all kinds of people who are specifically into trans people.
Aye, and not necessarily to sexually objectify people who are trans based solely on the aspect that it's what they are, but hey, they tend to be really attractive men and women too, right down to the model of classy nudity. Its an odd combination of traits but they are beautiful people too, throw in other things and you've got many an attractive individual
Out of all the trans men I know via personally or on the internet, date cis women. I've rarely seen a trans man dating a cis gay male. I only know of one couple who are trans/cis couple. Which actually didn't surprise me. Cis gay men in my experience can be very shallow even amongst other cis gay males.
Quote from: Kanzaki on August 12, 2016, 10:32:38 AM
You can also try looking for pansexuals. I'm guessing there might be some transphobic ones but generally I feel like they'll be more okay with it than people who are explicitly gay or straight.
Many bisexual and pansexuals are accepting of transpeople.
I'm FTM and gay and I'm basically bracing myself for being celibate the rest of my life, because I've never heard of or seen a gay man who would date a trans man (all the gay men I know are cis; all the trans men I know are straight). I'm really bitter/angry about this actually. People have told me "oh try dating online" and I'll give it a try, but... come on. What EXACTLY do I have to offer a man who is attracted to men? I'm not going to get my hopes up.
Quote from: Anning on August 13, 2016, 11:24:25 PM
What EXACTLY do I have to offer a man who is attracted to men?
That is a good question that made me think, but I feel that even straight people should ask themselves that when looking for a partner. The point is that you have a good personality and special quirks and you are sexy in your own way... and I don't even know you! Everyone has their charms, being aware and developing the best you is the best way to communicate effectively that if someone dates you he is going to get this specific set of bounties. Also masculinity is a complex thing made of a lot of aspects, what specifically bothers you might not bother at all someone who is smitten with the guy you are.
Quote from: Anning on August 13, 2016, 11:24:25 PM
What EXACTLY do I have to offer a man who is attracted to men? I'm not going to get my hopes up.
I feel that way, too. It's so much easier for a woman to just be with a cis man. And I'm in my mid-30s so women are much more likely to want marriage and kids. A cis man can legally marry and have natural kids the good old fashioned way. What do I bring to the table that she'd want?
Sad part is I wouldn't even ask that question if I weren't trans. I mean I am college educated, I have a well paying professional job and I just bought myself a house. Other than not having a penis I feel like I would be a great catch for a woman. It's very frustrating and in my quiet moments it is depressing actually.
As I'm still moving on from my ex it stings that much more that she dumped me and is now engaged to a cis guy that doesn't have any of the things I mentioned.
I prepare myself for being solo possibly for good. My chances as a trans man are so slim. When people say there's a lid for every pot they don't realize I have to like the lid too! It's hard for even straight cis people to find a match. There has to be mutual attraction, shared values, etc. If I wanted to settle for someone I'm not attracted to I could probably find it easier but that doesn't work for me.
Quote from: Anning on August 13, 2016, 11:24:25 PM
What EXACTLY do I have to offer a man who is attracted to men? I'm not going to get my hopes up.
What do you have?
You have your personality, your intelligence, your looks, your education, your sense of humour, your career, your hobbies & interests, your likes & dislikes, your quirks & oddities, your party tricks. Just like any other guy.
You have the masculinity, the male energy/aura, the hotness, the libido, the hairiness, the muscles - especially after T has worked its magic on you. Just like any other guy.
And unless you choose to get rid of it and if you're comfortable with using it, you have a bonus hole that doesn't require several hours of careful prep and isn't enormously messy to work with. That's a major USP over 'any other guy'.
If you haven't had bottom surgery, then your dick can be any size, shape, colour or texture that they like. They actually get a choice, unlike with 'any other guy'! And after bottom surgery, it's
still not enormously messy to work with! ;)
Trust me, you've got plenty!
There are plenty of gay cis men who are open to the idea of dating trans men. That's because they're interested in men, and you're a man, so they're potentially interested in you. You just have to meet them, talk to them so you can get to know them, and they'll see for themselves that you're a guy just like any other. You'll be surprised how many are open to the bedroom thing... and those who aren't are simply not worth your time. Or anybody's, for that matter.
That having been said, it is *way* easier for straight trans guys to find dates, because dating is a numbers game and there are a lot more straight women out there than gay men. Sure, there are some straight women who may not be open to the idea of a trans boyfriend but even taking them into account, the size of a straight trans guy's potential dating pool is way larger than a gay trans guy's pool, simply because women make up about 51% of the population and gay men make up about 2%.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on August 15, 2016, 10:00:49 AM
What do you have?
You have your personality, your intelligence, your looks, your education, your sense of humour, your career, your hobbies & interests, your likes & dislikes, your quirks & oddities, your party tricks. Just like any other guy.
You have the masculinity, the male energy/aura, the hotness, the libido, the hairiness, the muscles - especially after T has worked its magic on you. Just like any other guy.
And unless you choose to get rid of it and if you're comfortable with using it, you have a bonus hole that doesn't require several hours of careful prep and isn't enormously messy to work with. That's a major USP over 'any other guy'.
If you haven't had bottom surgery, then your dick can be any size, shape, colour or texture that they like. They actually get a choice, unlike with 'any other guy'! And after bottom surgery, it's still not enormously messy to work with! ;)
Trust me, you've got plenty!
There are plenty of gay cis men who are open to the idea of dating trans men. That's because they're interested in men, and you're a man, so they're potentially interested in you. You just have to meet them, talk to them so you can get to know them, and they'll see for themselves that you're a guy just like any other. You'll be surprised how many are open to the bedroom thing... and those who aren't are simply not worth your time. Or anybody's, for that matter.
That having been said, it is *way* easier for straight trans guys to find dates, because dating is a numbers game and there are a lot more straight women out there than gay men. Sure, there are some straight women who may not be open to the idea of a trans boyfriend but even taking them into account, the size of a straight trans guy's potential dating pool is way larger than a gay trans guy's pool, simply because women make up about 51% of the population and gay men make up about 2%.
Cheers for this post, this is great. Gives me encouragement and hope, because you are right. Healthy relationships are based on a whole lot of elements, and people bring a whole lot of things to the table in a relationship, including mind and spirit which are a huge part of creating emotional intimacy. As well as life experience, family and community, career and hobbies, etc. Another big thing is making peace with our own bodies. Yes, it's not a cis one but it tells my story.
I'm pre-T everything and I don't think I'm passing at all, especially if I open my mouth to talk. But what I have noticed is that since I've realised I'm trans this spring, I feel a great relief that I finally figured out what was wrong with me. Yes, there's a whole lot of things that I'd like to do to make my body match my mind, but I've noticed I'm getting more attention from folks this summer, probably because I feel more confident now with that realisation. This hasn't happened to me in years. So I think a big part of it is the headspace.
And yes, there's a numbers game here and I'm gonna be navigating these waters out there too soon enough, again.
Thanks FTMDiaries for that post; it gives me some hope for the future. I found this web comic a while ago which I found really cute http://comics.billroundy.com/?p=1116.
Quote from: Elis on August 15, 2016, 12:12:54 PM
Thanks FTMDiaries for that post; it gives me some hope for the future. I found this web comic a while ago which I found really cute http://comics.billroundy.com/?p=1116.
Awesome, cheers for sharing. Really made me smile! :D
FTMDiaries -- I appreciate the kind words! You made me smile. Maybe things will be different after I've been on testosterone for a while, but right now I'm just a big fat guy who knows the difference between an amphisbaena and an opabinia (and cares). I keep having to remind myself that everything doesn't have to happen all at once... patience is a hard thing for me.
Quote from: Elis on August 15, 2016, 12:12:54 PM
Thanks FTMDiaries for that post; it gives me some hope for the future. I found this web comic a while ago which I found really cute http://comics.billroundy.com/?p=1116.
Thats a great one! I really appreciate these informational comics that elucidate important aspects of life that few people are aware of
Theres one on OJST that I really like, it a story-based one that features a romantic and sexual relationship between two guys and one of them is transgender...its cool in the sense that he is shown not having the body you expect of a man but is fully acknowledged as such in the comic, its erotic but also has a romantic aspect which makes it rather endearing
...Given the comic and site itself includes sex and sexual images in it, I'll label it NSFW, see description if you wish to view it
http://www.
ohjoysextoy.com/whats-the-buzz-by-benjamin/
I just think its pretty important because it highlights a sensual aspect in a different kind of relationship, which most people arent used to,
Quote from: WolfNightV4X1 on August 16, 2016, 12:07:53 AM
Thats a great one! I really appreciate these informational comics that elucidate important aspects of life that few people are aware of
Theres one on OJST that I really like, it a story-based one that features a romantic and sexual relationship between two guys and one of them is transgender...its cool in the sense that he is shown not having the body you expect of a man but is fully acknowledged as such in the comic, its erotic but also has a romantic aspect which makes it rather endearing
...Given the comic and site itself includes sex and sexual images in it, I'll label it NSFW, see description if you wish to view it
http://www.
ohjoysextoy.com/whats-the-buzz-by-benjamin/
I just think its pretty important because it highlights a sensual aspect in a different kind of relationship, which most people arent used to,
Great comic, thanks for posting :)
Quote from: WolfNightV4X1 on August 16, 2016, 12:07:53 AM
Thats a great one! I really appreciate these informational comics that elucidate important aspects of life that few people are aware of
Theres one on OJST that I really like, it a story-based one that features a romantic and sexual relationship between two guys and one of them is transgender...its cool in the sense that he is shown not having the body you expect of a man but is fully acknowledged as such in the comic, its erotic but also has a romantic aspect which makes it rather endearing
...Given the comic and site itself includes sex and sexual images in it, I'll label it NSFW, see description if you wish to view it
http://www.
ohjoysextoy.com/whats-the-buzz-by-benjamin/
I just think its pretty important because it highlights a sensual aspect in a different kind of relationship, which most people arent used to,
Agreed, awesome comic, cheers for the share. :)