So, I've noticed problems with family is something most of us go through, some a lot worse then others.
For me it's not so much my families cruel, but more I'm not a part of it. Not one they care for anyway. It was different when I was younger, but it feels like once I hit 18 they just stopped caring.
Started when my parents got divorced near the end of high school, my mother got a new house, and to both my father and grandmother(they stayed friends)she talked so much about how much Jade(my sister) would love the house, not one mention of me.
Year later my mom basically forced me into going to this tech college, which turned out to be a for profit institution, and I learned nothing(it was a computer repair course, we never touched a computer, just learned OS')and ended up 15 thousand dollars in debt, and to this day, according to both my parents actually, that my mother is in no way to blame for this, she won't even apologize, it's my fault not hers even though shes the one that found the school, enrolled me without telling me first, and said if I didn't go I wouldn't be allowed to use my computer anymore. Even though I bought it with my own money and was 19 at the time.
Okay so speeding up here, they never show any interest in anything I try to tell them, but I'm supposed to pay attention when they're telling these stupid little stories or my dad is going on about some baseball or football thing that happened even though he knows I have no interest in that stuff.
I'm not allowed to buy anything with my own money without going by him first. Whenever something I read or see or whatever upsets me and I try to talk about it with my father, he just says in this angry sounding voice(he says he's not mad, yeah right) how that's the way things are and I should just get over it. And I can't ever talk back to him because again, voice, and I even tried telling him once how when he talks like that, when I tell him things, or he talks about my money, or any number of things, at this point it scares the hell out of me. I tell him how like 90 percent of what I mean to say during a day is all internalized and never said out loud, and I begged him to please try and talk calmer from now on, try. And how does he respond? By going on an rant once again about my money, never once making any mention of what I talked about as though the money bit was the only part he heard.
My sister never has faith in me doing anything, always going on about he won't be able to do that. Yeah right, you think robert will do anything? And always going on about how long I take to get ready even though I haven't taken a long time in years, we're always waiting on her and yet I'm the one who's at fault. And they basically never tell me anything, expecting me to know.
Like today, we're on vacation, which by the way is hell as I can never do anything I actually want to do, and they've been sitting in the main room, and other places for like 2 hours now, no one came in the room I'm using the entire time other then my dad telling me this story about my mothers dog that happened the other day. And all of a sudden my dad's yelling, Are you ready Robert?! and I have no idea what he's talking about, and he says how I know we have to eat, you should of been ready the whole time, yet yesterday we ate in so I had no idea we were going anywhere, and here the three of them are telling me to hurry up already, and my sisters going oh god, now we're gonna have to wait an hour for him to get ready. And my grandmother, he better not, he only has ten minutes and then he better be ready.
I dunno, when I'm around them I feel no familial relation to them, yet they all seem to work as a family so well and yet here I am off to the side basically cousin oliver from the Brady Bunch. My sister and father have so much in common, yet over the years if I've tried getting him interested in anything I like he won't. They either don't notice how badly I'm feeling, or they don't care, and on the once in a blue moon occasion my father asks if I'm okay he just accepts it and goes into some story or another, he can't tell, no one can. Though I know they can, but they only care when it disrupts them, like at dinner tonight, my father turns to me and goes, stop being like that, laugh and talk like everyone else, as though it's that simple, and he even knows I have bad depression.
And that's actually why he never asks I'm betting, he just chokes anything up to oh it's his depression, no point in doing anything.
I dunno, the way I feel, they don't care about me, not really, I don't feel like part of the same family at all, my father doesn't show interest in anything I do or say, I mean it's messed up, and some on here have heard this before, but one night while making dinner I came out to my father, and he couldn't care less, no reaction whatsoever, it was like I'd just told him I bought some paper that day. I tried talking about it as much as my rising panic would let me, and pretty much all he said was he didn't understand, and then later on, but I know you like girls. And that was it, I waited for him to bring it up again, I was to nervous to, a month went by and I finally asked him if he remembered what I told him that day, he had no idea what I was talking about, he probably forgot the very next day if you ask me, and I was just destroyed by that, and my mouth was basically on autopilot trying to get him to remember, and he finally did, and I just said, Yeah I was wrong, it was my depression making me feel things that weren't true, and he said right, and that was it.
Before that day I looked forward to coming out, I was scared, but I knew I just had to do it, but now, because my own father could forget something like that, I'm just to petrified beyond belief to even consider coming out again, I just don't think I'm physically capable anymore.
And yet my sisters kid smiles and he acts like it's the best thing in the world and shows her attention constantly, and how messed up is my situation that I'm envious of a one year old.
My parent's aren't actively cruel like some I've seen. They aren't cruel towards me I guess, they just don't seem to care about me. They're always all friendly seeming, and joking a lot of the time, and it's, they're not bad people, I don't think, but I just feel no connection to them whatsoever, in either direction, and yet at the same time I can't do anything I want to do, only what they do...
I dunno, maybe I'm just being ridiculous, maybe they're not really bad and I'm the one for thinking so horribly of them all the time, and thinking they do the same towards me. I dunno..
It sounds like your parents are on the emotional abusive side. My dad's the same way. Shows no interest in things I'm interested in; talks over me, gives me mixed messages, doesn't realise college was his idea and not mine and favours my brother. I just try my best to avoid him now. I had this failed attempt at coming out too. It w
wasn't planned (so terrible way of coming out) he set up a psychiatrist appointment which I didn't go too and when I saw the psychiatrist had nothing to say; that was that.
And like you it took me years to realise it's not my fault. I've been talking to a therapist recently and the most important things I've learned is my dad shouldn't haven't treated me the he has and I'm not dumb or weird; other people around us are thinkimg the exact same thing.
I resonate with this in my own family. Things have changed, because I have to help care for them, but please believe I do have to put on a facade to survive until I get my money right again. In my case I'm not my families blood so it was even easier. Therapists in the past didn't believe me when I told them what was going on at home.
Suffice to say, I've changed as a result. While I've gotten stronger dealing with them, I'm becoming my own best friend in trying to recover my life.
I wish you well
I'm not sure they're abusive in anyway, or at least they don't mean to be, I think. I mean once in awhile they say "you know how much we love you right?" They're still horrible, and I spend a good amount of time hating them, but maybe I'm only hating them for something that isn't there, like I'm actively trying to hate them or something.
And even as I say this I realize thats exactly what someone in my situation would say isn't it? Or thats the actively trying as well and I'm making to much out of it. And yet I can't get rid of the way I feel about them, the cloud of negativity that falls over me everytime I'm around them leaving me unable to say a majority of what I'd like to say. But I don't want to sound stupid, every time I've felt the need to say something and actually say it rather then keep it interelized it always ends with me being the one upset. And yet I still do it for some stupid reason. I dunno.
Quote from: Reyes on July 27, 2016, 10:15:16 AM
I'm not sure they're abusive in anyway, or at least they don't mean to be, I think. I mean once in awhile they say "you know how much we love you right?" They're still horrible, and I spend a good amount of time hating them, but maybe I'm only hating them for something that isn't there, like I'm actively trying to hate them or something.
And even as I say this I realize thats exactly what someone in my situation would say isn't it? Or thats the actively trying as well and I'm making to much out of it. And yet I can't get rid of the way I feel about them, the cloud of negativity that falls over me everytime I'm around them leaving me unable to say a majority of what I'd like to say. But I don't want to sound stupid, every time I've felt the need to say something and actually say it rather then keep it interelized it always ends with me being the one upset. And yet I still do it for some stupid reason. I dunno.
These are classic signs of emotional abuse. A person saying they love you doesn't make it ok for them to hurt you with what they say. Nor does it make it alright for them not to take your feelings into account and ignore them. It sounds like you're trying to find ways to get them to accept you as their child; but they will only accept you if you fit their picture of who you must be. It's not stupid of you to keep trying; everyone wants acceptance from their parents. But unfortunately some parents are simply blinded to people who aren't apart of their bubble.
Hi there.
I have a similar family. Distant and cold, not interested very much in me, etc etc.
As one person put, this is a kind of emotional abuse. I do think my parents do know when they are acting this way. As in acting this way on purpose to get what they want from me or other people. But I also think that they have done this so long, they generally do not know how to show affection in a correct and healthy way.
Someone above me mentioned how some parents are in a bubble? That is exactly how I described my relationship to my parents with my therapist. They have this bubble/sphere. Some times you are able to get through. Most of the time you are not.
I know you're right, I do. And apparently I suffered a panic attack yesterday because of them. But no matter how much I know you're right, how much I hate them, how much they upset me over the course of most days, I just can't get rid of that nagging feeling and thoughts that they aren't. That I'm making things seem worse then they are, maybe its just my depression making it seem so bad. Even now as I type this I feel so strongely that I'm lying, that I'm villianizing my parents at all times to get attention from other people. I know I'm not, and I know you're right about them, but..
Quote from: Reyes on July 27, 2016, 12:39:36 PM
I know you're right, I do. And apparently I suffered a panic attack yesterday because of them. But no matter how much I know you're right, how much I hate them, how much they upset me over the course of most days, I just can't get rid of that nagging feeling and thoughts that they aren't. That I'm making things seem worse then they are, maybe its just my depression making it seem so bad. Even now as I type this I feel so strongely that I'm lying, that I'm villianizing my parents at all times to get attention from other people. I know I'm not, and I know you're right about them, but..
It's definitely a process to understand and believe you've done nothing wrong. From seeing my therapist I'm at the understanding bit but not the believing. You might want to look into therapy yourself. Or look into LGBT charities who sometimes do counselling or mentoring.
I've been seeing someone the past two months I think, 3 appointments thus far. The last one I came out to her near the end. I can't believe I managed it, but I asked for a paper and pen, and was trying to write it for like 5 minutes but I couldn't even touch the pen to the paper. Finally I just gave up and said, Yeah this isn't going to work. In November I realized I was transgender. And I can't believe I actually said it just flat out like that, that has never been me, usually I trying to hint at things and hope people figure out what I'm trying to say when it comes to anything important.
Sadly what gave me the push to tell her was the fact that I might not be again, I couldn't let that happen without at least telling her first. When the session started she told me she's opening her own practice, and there won't be any way to know for at least another week, but if she takes my insurance, she has to be approved apparently, then I'll continue seeing her. If not, I'll be seeing this other woman in the office who she says is very good and she even said she'd tell her what I had told her that day so I wouldn't have to go through how nervous I'd been again if I wanted. Which I very much did, I don't think I'd be able to do so anytime soon.
But whoever I see next I'll try and bring this up. It's just, what makes it so difficult for me to except, there are times when it's good, when they're kind, asking me if I want something when he goes grocery shopping, or just, things that feel like, not a family, but not people I hate. Even if I still barely feel comfortable enough to say anything. Once in a blue moon I say a lot, but that doesn't really happen anymore to much.
It's just, when I do something that upsets them, when I don't want to go to my grand mothers house one sunday because I feel sick as anything, and my dad starts getting pissed off about that, and I just feel so guilty that most of the time I end up going.. I remember most recent time that happened I stayed home, and as they were leaving my dad was yelling something about how he should have me checked into a hospital. And then later on when he gets home he's saying, you know I would never actually do that, I like you living here.
It's just so confusing, I have no idea if things are bad or good, sometimes things seem good and I feel horrible for thinking otherwise, like with this thread, I can't help but think, what am I doing saying all this, they're not really bad, even if we don't really have anything in common. But then other times when things are bad I just wish so hard I could just leave..
Hi Reyes
When I told my parents there was very little in the way of reaction...my Mother told me how brave I was and my Father told me nothing would change in his eyes and I would always be his son. Seemed Ok at the time I was visiting them from another country so we had limited time to discuss things. The thing is we didn't discuss anything, it was never mentioned again while I was there. This silence sent on for 3 month until I sent them an email talking about coming out to the wide family and this met with a very urgent response from them to not do anything. The have pretty much said to me that they do not want me to tell anyone in the extended family.
I went home to see them a few weeks ago and I have changed heaps but they never even acknowledged it. They made no allowance for any changes I had made nor asked me one question about my transition. The only time it was spoken about was when my Mother "Forbade" me from coming out to my Aunt and Uncle(her sister and brother-in-law)
When I speak to my father about this he becomes quite animated and agitated that he can't see any need for telling anyone. So now I feel like their dirty little secret...and it hurts...a lot. I have been trying to resolve this situation now for months and it is pointless. I finally gave up...I will tell them limited amounts of what is going on and continue to tell the extended family. I am nice to them but keep it limited and they really don't have too much idea of what is going on. I am also 52...it doesn't mater how old you are, being unreasonable has no age barriers.
Are you living under the same roof as them and you are at least 19?...Might be time to find a new place to live if your parents continue they way they are. Is that a possibility for you?
good luck
Liz
I'm still living with my father, and I'm 28.
I wish I could move out so badly, but two factors stop me, first being the absolute inability to bring myself to do anything they wouldn't consider ordinary behavior from me that's built up over the years.
And then second is something I so badly wish I could take back. But I have aspergers. Very mild, but my mother, back when I was 18 found out I could get social security disability, and said at the meetings to behave worse then I really am. And I thought, hey, free money, yes please.
And with that I effectively ruined my life. I am not allowed to own anything, like a car or home, in my name. I'm not allowed to have a checking account in my own name, it's in my fathers. Really the only money I have that is in no way tied down is 500 dollars I have in my desk.
You have options with your parents. You can discuss you Aspergers with your therapist and retesting is possible. Your parents should be keeping an accounting of how they spend the money provided by Social Security and if they are pocketing the money, the could be in serious trouble. Lying when filling out a request for government assistance is also very serious and you parents would have to answer for anything they said that wasn't true. If you take this route, you life will be more difficult but you would be away from your parents control. The decision will be yours but think about it carefully before you decide on your future.
On retesting, it's kinda all confusing now, cause I was moved off of the SSID I was originally put on, into a disability version of regular social security after my dad started getting it. But the same restrictions still apply, but I honestly don't fully understand what happened.
Oh, and the money is only under my fathers name, I control the spending of it, but the thing is as it's under his name, my debit card is basically only usable online as it's in his name, and if they wanted to they could restrict access completely more then likely. I'm able to spend my money how I want, (even though I'm scared my father will get upset with any purchase I make) it's just none of it is recognized by the government as actually belonging to me.
Oh, quick update, dinner tonight, it was weird, nothing went wrong, and we were in that place a hell of a long time. But unlike yesterdays dinner where I felt awful being around them, with how they are, today everything was fine. That's what makes this so confusing for me, sometimes things are perfectly fine, even if I'm still all anxious at all hours, but then, well you see my previous posts.
Transgender feeling are not constant or I would have been a basket case living with them for 17 years before treatment was complete. When possible, living in the new role helps as well as distractions. What push me to move forward was the extreme depression I would have at times was getting dangerous leaving me the only option of moving forward with my transition.
Oh the trans feelings were still there, all through dinner the only thing that bugged me was that I couldn't tell them to call me Regan instead of Robert. Which is really the one thing present at all times when around people.
There was a time about 3 months after I realized I was trans, a short time after the incident, that it all just left my head completely, and that lasted about a month.
It's happened twice more since then, once it lasted about 2 or so weeks, but I'm not sure if that count's as it was more me trying to convince myself I wasn't trans. And then the same thing more recently which only lasted a few days.
Since then I haven't not had the feelings for more then a few hours at a time, mostly cause I get distracted at those times. I think it's because, and I don't exactly remember how anymore, but up till those few days I was still fighting it a good amount of the time. It was then that something happened, as I said don't remember what, which had me suddenly accept that I was indeed trans. That it was something that I wanted, that I needed. And since then, despite how miserable it can make me at times, if anyone asked if I would want to get rid of all these feelings, and be happy as a guy, I would say no. No matter how hard my life could end up being, I don't want to be a guy, and I completely accept and like that about myself now. Which sadly had the negative effect of the doubts hurting more, but y'know.
Though I mean sure, if that was done, the guy me would be fine with what had been done, but that would just be because he isn't really me.
Sigh, today at dinner things seemed to be going well and then I started to tell my grandmother something I'd just remembered I'd wanted to tell her, and my father cuts me off talking about something for like 5 minutes by which time I just didn't feel like talking again then.
And the same thing happened on the car ride back. This by the way happens quite a bit.
I can really relate to what you're going through. I've never felt like I belonged in my family. That was made worse by the fact that I knew I was transgender from a young age, even though didn't know the term or that there were other people like me. I told my mom when I was 14, and it didn't go well because I come from a very conservative Christian family. I've tried being the daughter they wanted and being someone closer to who I identify as, and both get me treated equally bad. I've been in therapy off and on for years, and all of them agree that my family's behavior is emotional abuse. It's the same kind of things that you're describing.
I wound up having to move back in with my parents after my health deteriorated a few years ago, and I'm now on disability. I've been transitioning more and more in the last few years, and so far it seems like as long as I don't draw attention to it my family is happy to ignore it and just have a lot of transphobic rants in front of me that I have to ignore for my safety. I'm trying to find housing elsewhere since I control my money, but I don't know when I'll find affordable housing.
I would think that you could possibly find a case manager through some organization that may be able to at least get it were someone else controls your money if they don't think you can, especially if you're discussing the emotionally abusive behavior your family is displaying toward you. That may be living in a group home situation though.
Y'know, when I said the rest of my family were like separate from me, I didn't mean they get along with each other all the time. Cause while they do, there's also times when they're arguing, my dad and sister, dad and grandmother, sister and grandmother, and they're just yelling at each other so loud and angry and I just hate it. I always try to stay out of it, but sometimes I slip up and end up in it with them even though some of the time what I'm saying is an attempt to get them to just stop.
But went it starts I just get all cringy and nervous, I don't want that spilling onto me, like what if my sister goes, well why don't you tell him that too, and then I'll be pulled in, cause I can't just sit there not saying a word, that would make it worse.
Quote from: Mal on July 28, 2016, 09:51:53 PM
I would think that you could possibly find a case manager through some organization that may be able to at least get it were someone else controls your money if they don't think you can, especially if you're discussing the emotionally abusive behavior your family is displaying toward you. That may be living in a group home situation though.
No, no, I could never live in a group home, I wouldn't feel even an once of comfort being around all those people I don't know, I'd be on edge at all times, it would be awful.
Oi god, I just realized the way I'm moaning about all this in here makes me I sound like a child.
Not the discussing my problems part, but the way I'm letting it all out.
I mean like I said, they're not always bad, I hate going out to eat, and we've done so every night the past week as we're on vacation so we have nothing to cook, lol. And I just don't want to go out tonight, and my dad said okay. No disagreement with letting me stay in here at all, heck, they're even going to pick me up something to eat from mcdonalds on the way back. That food is awful, yet at the same time soo good.
It's times like this, which aren't that uncommon, these small things, it's why I hate talking about them the way I've been doing. I don't know if they're abusive, I really don't, but I hate thinking of them like that, which is weird as I feel hate for them so often. I dunno, maybe it's that thing like with battered spouses, who knows. But I really have to stop whining like a kid and talk about these things without all the, well, child like whining, lol
It's good and healthy to have a whine and a moan now and again; that's what I use this forum for sometimes lol. So even if you think it's childish it really isn't; everyone needs an outlet. I think you're right about your situation being similar to that of a battered spouse. Growimg up my dad did some nice things like buy me sweets and cskes; but that doesn't make up for how he treats me. And it probably caused my addiction to food. Each time I'm upset or really down I eat. Not good.
It's just so difficult and weird to think about that. Cause it's like, part of me knows that is how things are, I mean why else would they make me so miserable? Yet at the same time I feel just as strongly that I'm wrong to be saying these things, that they aren't like that at all. And I like, believe both so strongly, it's just so confusing.
Welp, yesterday I was actually starting to think things were getting a bit better, other then my own jitteryness while around them everything went fine.
But then today, been up for five minutes and it becomes perfectly clear that my comfort means nothing to them.
Last night my father replaced my pillow with a new one, I had no problems with the one I had, but it was old, and he said the new one was very good so.
It was the worst night of sleep I have ever had. Despite seeming fat, the second you lay your head on that thing it's like there's only air in it, and it just flattens down to such a point that I can feel the hand thats under my pillow through it, like very much so.
Plus, the thing, I don't know what was up with it, but it was like one of it's layers was a plastic bag or something cause whenever I moved at all there would be that, y'know, crinkling plastic bag sound.
I went to sleep earlier then usual, by like 2 hours, and yet now I feel like I only slept 20 minutes I'm so exhausted as I woke up like every five minutes.
So I went to ask for my old pillow back because this one was horrible. First, they threw out my old pillow already. Then, they don't even say one single word to prove belief in how I feel, or that we'll get a new one, nothin.
No, it's Eh it's fine, there's nothing wrong with it, your just to sensitive, it's a new pillow, you have to get used to it, what you think the pillows at the hotel are new, no they're old and many people have slept on them, this is an expensive pillow.
Yep.
Oh, second thing, the other night, while they were out to dinner, I was going to take a bath in this large tub the room had, but I didn't have enough time while they were out, so I turned on the one bathroom light that also has like a fan that is just so loud, and I put a movie on on my tablet, and then I turned the bath on to like, I don't 30 percent strength, didn't want to have it be to loud.
And then I left the room, closed the door, and went by where my father sleeps to see if it could be heard. Not a sound. So I planned to take one after everyone else went to sleep.
But when they finally had, I set everything up how I did earlier so he couldn't hear the water, and I went to turn it on, and even though I knew I could make it semi high I was to scared to turn it up more then practically a drizzle. So there I was, it would take like an hour to fill up, and every so often I would try and turn it up more, and it would sound loud to me, and I'd panic and turn it lower again cause I was so worried my dad would hear even though I knew he couldn't.
In the end after like 40 minutes it was around two thirds full, and I just didn't have it in me to wait any longer, so I shut it off and drained the tub.. And the thing is, other then the fact that we had to go to sleep earlier then usual as we were leaving early the next morning, there is no way that I can logically see that I would get in trouble for that.
I mean it was only about 12:30, and I'd told my father earlier before they went to dinner that I wanted to take a bath in it while they were gone and he said okay, well, first he told me that it didn't have the whirlpool feature like it used to, but I said that was fine, and he said okay, and was fine with it, I mean it's a bath, what's the problem. And yet still..
Yeah, for most of us family just sucks....I don't know why but they do. Some of us have really supportive family and for those of you who do, you are very blessed. I just don't get why some of us have the most worst family ever. Or maybe they want to be supportive but they don't really know how. I plan to really cut most of mine off. That will solve many of your problems. But it is not easy. I also get the nagging feeling that my folks aren't so bad. I do think that my mom would be supportive if only she was not suffering from dementia. :( Anyways, best of luck to you for dealing with your father; he sounds like a bit of a pain like my dad.
Man, so this is quickly becoming my most used topic of those I've created..
Anyway, I looked up signs of emotional abuse earlier, and I couldn't believe how many of the my family have exhibited towards me over the years.
One of which, making jokes on my expense, my father does basically constantly. Like, we're going to get-, for dinner we're having-, we're going to-, we're going to do-, you're going to-, and the like, and always of things he knows I hate, and then he laughs because he's joking.
And honestly he does this so often that sometimes I can't even tell if he's joking or not anymore, and the times I don't and say something, my sister goes, He's joking you idiot.
Tonight we ate at my grandma's instead of going out to eat, I was basically squeezed between my sister and father at the small table and I felt on edge on through dinner, in part because as of late I can't stand it when someone touches me and I kinda like inwardly flinch.
And I notice they're talking to each other about various things, fawning over the baby, but except for like 3 or so times when my grandma asked if I wanted more, no one said a word to me, it was like I wasn't even there. I mean if this were Sunnydale I'd probably of actually turned invisible by now.
And then when we leave my grandma's saying some stuff to my dad, and tells my sister she hopes she feels better and she needs to call her to talk about something, and she's being all baby talk to the baby, and then to me it's just, By. And her voice was even basically devoid of emotion when she said it, it was just By, said flatly.
And what I hate most about all this is now I know from what I read that they might not even realize they're treating me this way, making me feel this way, but I can't tell them because I just know they'll get pissed off at me for thinking something like that about them and..
Oh, I dunno if this is anything important, though probably very much so. But whenever I'm in another room, and I hear my father or someone talking in another room, where I can basically only hear them as like mumbles, if my father ever sounds like he's upset or angry or whatever I get so worried and so sure that he's talking about me and something I did that's got him angry at me and I get so nervous.
It's good you've done some research on emotional abuse and have noticed the signs. My dad does the jokr thing at my expense too. Growing up i couldn't really tell he was joking and his 'jokes' hit my self esteem hard. And i get the being invisible thing (btw great Buffy reference) if my dad and brother are in the same room together i can never get a word in; but it's not like they're willing to accommodate me into the conversation anyway. My dad was actually told by a therapist when i was around 9 that he needed to be more emotionally there for me; but of course he couldn't possibly thing it was his fault and there had to be something wrong with me.
And yeah; i used to get anxious when my dad sounded angry and immediately assumed it was about me. Now I've numbed myself to it.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that, Reyes. I can relate to having an emotionally abusive family who makes you feel invisible. All my life I've felt like an outcast in my own family. Every time my family has get-togethers during a holiday, I feel like I'm not even there. There will be times where someone will be listening to me, but they all have a habit of just ignoring me and walking away while I'm in mid-sentence. I just trail off and get more depressed when that happens.
Your dad sounds quite a bit like my dad. He makes jokes at the expense of others (especially when it's someone's worst flaw) and he's set in his ways. Nearly eleven years ago when I was first learning about the possibility of being trans, my parents made it out as if me transitioning would ruin their lives and their reputation so back in the closet I went. I came out to my mom again last year and she said she accepted me... only to turn around, keep misgendering me and tell me to "shelf it" and keep it all to myself. That and the thought of how my other relatives will react has kept me from coming out to too many other people. It's a painful, sickening feeling to keep your true self from others. Cutting people out of our lives seems like it would make it easier, but that's easier said than done... or at least in my situation, cause my toddlers are so attached with everybody and I don't want them to hurt either.
This one may just be a case of me being ridiculous, but.
So I was eating dinner in my room like always, and all of a sudden my sister calls me from out in the living room telling me to bring her the internet password, and I tell her I'm eating, but she says, so, stop for a second, and I say, why can't you come and get it, and both her and my dad agreed with her, because it's in my room. So I just sat there for awhile, and no one came, so I just got up and brought it to her. My sister refused to even entertain the thought of coming to get it herself, I had too.
Reyes,
I don't know you so my reply is based on the assumption that you're trans (why else would you be here). First question, do your parents know you're trans? And if they do, could it be that their behavior is motivated by you being trans? Sorry if you were explicit about this but I missed it.
Regardless, your parents do sound emotionally abusive. I know this from personal experience, however the problems I had with my parents, while very similar in some respects had nothing to do with being trans (since I didn't even know that). My parents were very very controlling when I was younger, to the point that I had a bed time at the age of 22. They took advantage of the fact that I was completely dependent on them for everything to manipulate and control me, both in terms of education, behavior and my decisions, to do what they wanted me to do. And what I realized was that I would be miserable for as long as I stayed with them. And so I left with the clothes on my back. And I was homeless for 3 months. And that was better than living in a golden prison, where they could be nice to me one moment and the next manipulate or guilt me into doing something that I didn't want to do. I realized that working towards my independence was one of the most valuable things. I initially used loan money from school to help me get a room for rent, and eventually got my first job while I was starting my master's at the time. And for 6 months I did not speak to my parents, but the result was that I was able to rebuild my relationship with them under a foundation of respect for my independence and autonomy. And from that point at 23, I did not tolerate anyone telling me what to do. It was a valuable life lesson.
Hopefully you can learn from my experience. You need to stop getting manipulated and do what you have to do to become independent, even if it means damaging your relationship with them in the short term. You'll find an inner strength you didn't know you had.
They don't know at all.
But so much of what you said sounds like my life as well.
Sadly though I'm just not brave whatsoever, I could never bring myself to just leave like that, especially as my Uncle did the same and never wanted anything to do with us again and the way they think of him, which they're right to as he did it because his wife told him, but I can't stand the thought of them feeling the same about me...
Then you have to ask yourself, is being miserable with your family really worth? Why would you care what they think of you if the reverse is not true? Relationships should be reciprocated. I didn't think I was brave either. It got so bad for me that that was the only choice. You reach a climactic point at which the suffering is just not worth it anymore. Actually, very analogous to how I felt about starting my transition, now that I think of it.
Part of me knows your right, but despite hating them a good part of the time, I still, I love them. And I know this is true about them, that they are emotionally abusive, but at the same time I hate thinking of them being so.
It is a very conflicting thing when family of all people are the ones mainly causing you emotional distress, from what I read out of your posts here. One part of you wants to eliminate their existence from your own somehow, but the other half wants them to just be there for you as they should because that's what family is supposed to be like. I really admire you for sticking through all of this; that says alot about your endurance as an adult, assuming that you are one. Please, keep coming here for support even if it's just to vent.
Do you ever use the chat here? It's so helpful! I hope you can get on your own two feet somehow. It just seems like things can improve for you if that were the case. I mean, think about it; you're own place, you're own rules. As long as you live under your parents' roof, it's their way or no way. I know that all too well. I think your best solution right now is to develop some coping mechanisms to help deal with these various situations that causes you so much upset internally. It is hard to talk about your feelings with people who don't want to listen in the first place, including family members. Instead, focus more on how to deal with these situations. What helps you feel good? Music? A funny movie? A book? Videogames? Find your "happy place" and escape there....
I so badly want to get out of here....
Past few days I haven't been depressed at all really, I mean a bit but.
Only thing that made me feel bad really the past few days was the fact that I haven't felt trans, which has happened before and I absolutely hated it. And myself for it. It all may make me misrable, but I'd rather feel it all then not.
Anyway, other then the scant few times I thought on that, the past few days have been good, until 20 minutes ago.
I went to the kitchen to take the pill I have to take at that time everyday, and after I went to my father to tell him we need to call in a refill on my pil's, and then once again being the idiot that I am in never keeping my mouth shut, I asked when we'd be going to the bank to move this months check into my debit card, and he said when I have time to get to the bank, and then here's the part with me being an idiot, I said, well we can't wait to long, I only have like 4 dollars out of the 300 from last month left, and he gets that look on his face and says in that same angry voice which he claims isn't him being angry, and goes, you know you have to have at least 100 in there at all times. And i tell him, i did a week ago when i got this months money, but then the monthly bills I pay were taken out, and he waited so long.
And I just went back in my room and sat down in my chair and just felt furious at my father, then at my self for saying anything, and i hit myself in the head out of frustration and then the depression just came washing over me again and I felt so awful, and I pulled my knees up on my chair and started worrying that he may come to my room at any moment.
And I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think I had another panic attack. Cause I stayed there hugging my legs and despite deciding I would take a shower to calm down, i just could not get myself to move from the chair, and I wondered if anything was actually happening or I just believed it was, but I just could not get myself to get out of that chair for like 8 or more minutes. Or less, not sure.
Finally I did and I moved to go tell my father I was going to take a shower so he wouldn't come in my room while I was in the shower.
And then this is why I think it might of been a panic attack again, but after several steps I just like completely lost balance and tripped over my own feet or something and had to grab the doorframe to steady myself.
Then for like 20 seconds immediately after I felt like my head was spinning or swimming or both.
Its stopped by now but..
It is possible that your dad, as emotionally harmful as he may seem, actually is very concerned for you but does not show it in a way that is healthy or approachable for you.
He kind of reminds me of mine as far as his worry over money. I think alot of men of his generation were raised this way, whether they realize it or not. I think his actions and beliefs about money are as pathological as my dad's due to traditions of the past. I think maybe he, being your dad, is struggling with expressing himself to you and finds that his only means of doing so is to yell, scream and shout at you. Alot of people do that, I think, so they can feel some form of confirmation that they are being heard. He wants to feel that you are listening to him. So he raises his voice, though in the end, this is extremely counterproductive to that. In fact, him raising his volume will subconsciously cause you to listen even less if anything because now you're in absolute terror and cannot even begin to really listen. This shows very poor communication skills from your dad and mine's too.
So, when my dad starts to yell, I say, "Ok. I understand," in a calm and controlled voice and remove myself from the situation so as to go find something constructive to do to distract myself from the negative thoughts that try to come pouring in from the previous confrontation. Be like the soothing water that puts out the flame; fighting fire with fire never works and only causes more fire. Also, you may be better off if you distance yourself as much as possible from your family even though you have to live with them right now.
When you feel panic attacks coming on, do you have any medicine you can take to help calm you? I take ativan. Not sure if it'll help but it really does for me. Also, breathing exercises do too. It's no wonder you would have one right after this confrontation with your dad. Your body has learned to react to your father's behavior in a "fight or flight" response after years and years of dealing with it. You really should consider therapy, if you haven't already. I don't suggest you get your dad involved until he starts to show signs of interest, which may never happen. Some people, even family, sad as this sounds, are set in their ways for life. Be ready to remove him from your life so you can live, if need be.
Yeah my father doesn't give a ->-bleeped-<-. I once tried explaining to him how it makes me feel when he's talking angry sounding like that, I've become to scared to tell him anything, I told him that, and I begged him, I begged him, please try to control your voice, you say you're not angry, so please try not to sound like it.
And how does he respond? By doing EXACTLY what I begged and pleaded with him not to do anymore, for like 15 minutes, about money, I never once said anything about money, that has nothing to do with what I'm begging of him, and yet to that he goes on again.
That was now that I know how to recognize one, the first time I had an actual panic attack.
It was shortly after that when I began to stay in my room.
And y'know, on that, they all see exactly how bad I'm doing, they'd have to be blind not to. Yet they never try and do anything. Over the course of a day, my dad only comes into my room twice, the rest of the time I wonder if they even know I'm still there.
And then once in a blue moon, meaning twice in the past three months, they ask, is anything wrong? And I just can't tell them, so I go, no, I'm okay, and I say it so depressed, I mean I don't mean to, it just happens, but they apparently accept that, and go on their way. They don't even attempt to find out what's bothering me.
Y'know when the last time we ever had any form of important discussion? 11 years ago when I was in high school and this guy who was bullying me stole my house keys.
Only time since then, I was incredibly depressed, and basically falling apart in the bathroom at this crappy tech college, and I called up my dad begging him to come pick me up, and I'm crying like anything, I wasn't sure if I'd ever stop, and he wouldn't have it, he refused, he got angry at me going on about how I just have to stop this stuff. And then he hung up on me, and I was basically in the bathroom for like 2 hours unable to stop crying, which was made all the worse by that phone call.
I honestly don't think I went to class that day, even after I stopped I'm pretty sure I stayed in there.
Quote from: Reyes on August 07, 2016, 05:29:30 AM
Yeah my father doesn't give a ->-bleeped-<-. I once tried explaining to him how it makes me feel when he's talking angry sounding like that, I've become to scared to tell him anything, I told him that, and I begged him, I begged him, please try to control your voice, you say you're not angry, so please try not to sound like it.
And how does he respond? By doing EXACTLY what I begged and pleaded with him not to do anymore, for like 15 minutes, about money, I never once said anything about money, that has nothing to do with what I'm begging of him, and yet to that he goes on again.
That was now that I know how to recognize one, the first time I had an actual panic attack.
It was shortly after that when I began to stay in my room.
And y'know, on that, they all see exactly how bad I'm doing, they'd have to be blind not to. Yet they never try and do anything. Over the course of a day, my dad only comes into my room twice, the rest of the time I wonder if they even know I'm still there.
And then once in a blue moon, meaning twice in the past three months, they ask, is anything wrong? And I just can't tell them, so I go, no, I'm okay, and I say it so depressed, I mean I don't mean to, it just happens, but they apparently accept that, and go on their way. They don't even attempt to find out what's bothering me.
Y'know when the last time we ever had any form of important discussion? 11 years ago when I was in high school and this guy who was bullying me stole my house keys.
Only time since then, I was incredibly depressed, and basically falling apart in the bathroom at this crappy tech college, and I called up my dad begging him to come pick me up, and I'm crying like anything, I wasn't sure if I'd ever stop, and he wouldn't have it, he refused, he got angry at me going on about how I just have to stop this stuff. And then he hung up on me, and I was basically in the bathroom for like 2 hours unable to stop crying, which was made all the worse by that phone call.
I honestly don't think I went to class that day, even after I stopped I'm pretty sure I stayed in there.
Hm. You know no one can change anyone, right? If you want your dad to change, you have to realize that it's up to him to change and no one can do it for him. I'm sorry some of us have like the most frigid parents; seems like the grass is always greener on the other side somehow at times. But these feelings you have really should make you want to do something about them instead of dragging them on; this won't get you anywhere in life, in my opinion. It's ok to put this out but at some point, it's time to come up with a solution to the problem. How do you expect things to improve if you're not even willing to put in the time and effort it will take to do so? Do you really want to feel better? Then start with your thoughts/self-talk and improve on that. Start very small and work your way up. You're family, don't focus on them so much right not. Focus on you.
What emotional abuse?????, how do you think what they are going through? ??
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