So, I've noticed problems with family is something most of us go through, some a lot worse then others.
For me it's not so much my families cruel, but more I'm not a part of it. Not one they care for anyway. It was different when I was younger, but it feels like once I hit 18 they just stopped caring.
Started when my parents got divorced near the end of high school, my mother got a new house, and to both my father and grandmother(they stayed friends)she talked so much about how much Jade(my sister) would love the house, not one mention of me.
Year later my mom basically forced me into going to this tech college, which turned out to be a for profit institution, and I learned nothing(it was a computer repair course, we never touched a computer, just learned OS')and ended up 15 thousand dollars in debt, and to this day, according to both my parents actually, that my mother is in no way to blame for this, she won't even apologize, it's my fault not hers even though shes the one that found the school, enrolled me without telling me first, and said if I didn't go I wouldn't be allowed to use my computer anymore. Even though I bought it with my own money and was 19 at the time.
Okay so speeding up here, they never show any interest in anything I try to tell them, but I'm supposed to pay attention when they're telling these stupid little stories or my dad is going on about some baseball or football thing that happened even though he knows I have no interest in that stuff.
I'm not allowed to buy anything with my own money without going by him first. Whenever something I read or see or whatever upsets me and I try to talk about it with my father, he just says in this angry sounding voice(he says he's not mad, yeah right) how that's the way things are and I should just get over it. And I can't ever talk back to him because again, voice, and I even tried telling him once how when he talks like that, when I tell him things, or he talks about my money, or any number of things, at this point it scares the hell out of me. I tell him how like 90 percent of what I mean to say during a day is all internalized and never said out loud, and I begged him to please try and talk calmer from now on, try. And how does he respond? By going on an rant once again about my money, never once making any mention of what I talked about as though the money bit was the only part he heard.
My sister never has faith in me doing anything, always going on about he won't be able to do that. Yeah right, you think robert will do anything? And always going on about how long I take to get ready even though I haven't taken a long time in years, we're always waiting on her and yet I'm the one who's at fault. And they basically never tell me anything, expecting me to know.
Like today, we're on vacation, which by the way is hell as I can never do anything I actually want to do, and they've been sitting in the main room, and other places for like 2 hours now, no one came in the room I'm using the entire time other then my dad telling me this story about my mothers dog that happened the other day. And all of a sudden my dad's yelling, Are you ready Robert?! and I have no idea what he's talking about, and he says how I know we have to eat, you should of been ready the whole time, yet yesterday we ate in so I had no idea we were going anywhere, and here the three of them are telling me to hurry up already, and my sisters going oh god, now we're gonna have to wait an hour for him to get ready. And my grandmother, he better not, he only has ten minutes and then he better be ready.
I dunno, when I'm around them I feel no familial relation to them, yet they all seem to work as a family so well and yet here I am off to the side basically cousin oliver from the Brady Bunch. My sister and father have so much in common, yet over the years if I've tried getting him interested in anything I like he won't. They either don't notice how badly I'm feeling, or they don't care, and on the once in a blue moon occasion my father asks if I'm okay he just accepts it and goes into some story or another, he can't tell, no one can. Though I know they can, but they only care when it disrupts them, like at dinner tonight, my father turns to me and goes, stop being like that, laugh and talk like everyone else, as though it's that simple, and he even knows I have bad depression.
And that's actually why he never asks I'm betting, he just chokes anything up to oh it's his depression, no point in doing anything.
I dunno, the way I feel, they don't care about me, not really, I don't feel like part of the same family at all, my father doesn't show interest in anything I do or say, I mean it's messed up, and some on here have heard this before, but one night while making dinner I came out to my father, and he couldn't care less, no reaction whatsoever, it was like I'd just told him I bought some paper that day. I tried talking about it as much as my rising panic would let me, and pretty much all he said was he didn't understand, and then later on, but I know you like girls. And that was it, I waited for him to bring it up again, I was to nervous to, a month went by and I finally asked him if he remembered what I told him that day, he had no idea what I was talking about, he probably forgot the very next day if you ask me, and I was just destroyed by that, and my mouth was basically on autopilot trying to get him to remember, and he finally did, and I just said, Yeah I was wrong, it was my depression making me feel things that weren't true, and he said right, and that was it.
Before that day I looked forward to coming out, I was scared, but I knew I just had to do it, but now, because my own father could forget something like that, I'm just to petrified beyond belief to even consider coming out again, I just don't think I'm physically capable anymore.
And yet my sisters kid smiles and he acts like it's the best thing in the world and shows her attention constantly, and how messed up is my situation that I'm envious of a one year old.
My parent's aren't actively cruel like some I've seen. They aren't cruel towards me I guess, they just don't seem to care about me. They're always all friendly seeming, and joking a lot of the time, and it's, they're not bad people, I don't think, but I just feel no connection to them whatsoever, in either direction, and yet at the same time I can't do anything I want to do, only what they do...
I dunno, maybe I'm just being ridiculous, maybe they're not really bad and I'm the one for thinking so horribly of them all the time, and thinking they do the same towards me. I dunno..
