So, I've noticed problems with family is something most of us go through, some a lot worse then others.

For me it's not so much my families cruel, but more I'm not a part of it. Not one they care for anyway. It was different when I was younger, but it feels like once I hit 18 they just stopped caring.

Started when my parents got divorced near the end of high school, my mother got a new house, and to both my father and grandmother(they stayed friends)she talked so much about how much Jade(my sister) would love the house, not one mention of me.

Year later my mom basically forced me into going to this tech college, which turned out to be a for profit institution, and I learned nothing(it was a computer repair course, we never touched a computer, just learned OS')and ended up 15 thousand dollars in debt, and to this day, according to both my parents actually, that my mother is in no way to blame for this, she won't even apologize, it's my fault not hers even though shes the one that found the school, enrolled me without telling me first, and said if I didn't go I wouldn't be allowed to use my computer anymore. Even though I bought it with my own money and was 19 at the time.

Okay so speeding up here, they never show any interest in anything I try to tell them, but I'm supposed to pay attention when they're telling these stupid little stories or my dad is going on about some baseball or football thing that happened even though he knows I have no interest in that stuff.

I'm not allowed to buy anything with my own money without going by him first. Whenever something I read or see or whatever upsets me and I try to talk about it with my father, he just says in this angry sounding voice(he says he's not mad, yeah right) how that's the way things are and I should just get over it. And I can't ever talk back to him because again, voice, and I even tried telling him once how when he talks like that, when I tell him things, or he talks about my money, or any number of things, at this point it scares the hell out of me. I tell him how like 90 percent of what I mean to say during a day is all internalized and never said out loud, and I begged him to please try and talk calmer from now on, try. And how does he respond? By going on an rant once again about my money, never once making any mention of what I talked about as though the money bit was the only part he heard.

My sister never has faith in me doing anything, always going on about he won't be able to do that. Yeah right, you think robert will do anything? And always going on about how long I take to get ready even though I haven't taken a long time in years, we're always waiting on her and yet I'm the one who's at fault. And they basically never tell me anything, expecting me to know.

Like today, we're on vacation, which by the way is hell as I can never do anything I actually want to do, and they've been sitting in the main room, and other places for like 2 hours now, no one came in the room I'm using the entire time other then my dad telling me this story about my mothers dog that happened the other day. And all of a sudden my dad's yelling, Are you ready Robert?! and I have no idea what he's talking about, and he says how I know we have to eat, you should of been ready the whole time, yet yesterday we ate in so I had no idea we were going anywhere, and here the three of them are telling me to hurry up already, and my sisters going oh god, now we're gonna have to wait an hour for him to get ready. And my grandmother, he better not, he only has ten minutes and then he better be ready.

I dunno, when I'm around them I feel no familial relation to them, yet they all seem to work as a family so well and yet here I am off to the side basically cousin oliver from the Brady Bunch. My sister and father have so much in common, yet over the years if I've tried getting him interested in anything I like he won't. They either don't notice how badly I'm feeling, or they don't care, and on the once in a blue moon occasion my father asks if I'm okay he just accepts it and goes into some story or another, he can't tell, no one can. Though I know they can, but they only care when it disrupts them, like at dinner tonight, my father turns to me and goes, stop being like that, laugh and talk like everyone else, as though it's that simple, and he even knows I have bad depression.

And that's actually why he never asks I'm betting, he just chokes anything up to oh it's his depression, no point in doing anything.

I dunno, the way I feel, they don't care about me, not really, I don't feel like part of the same family at all, my father doesn't show interest in anything I do or say, I mean it's messed up, and some on here have heard this before, but one night while making dinner I came out to my father, and he couldn't care less, no reaction whatsoever, it was like I'd just told him I bought some paper that day. I tried talking about it as much as my rising panic would let me, and pretty much all he said was he didn't understand, and then later on, but I know you like girls. And that was it, I waited for him to bring it up again, I was to nervous to, a month went by and I finally asked him if he remembered what I told him that day, he had no idea what I was talking about, he probably forgot the very next day if you ask me, and I was just destroyed by that, and my mouth was basically on autopilot trying to get him to remember, and he finally did, and I just said, Yeah I was wrong, it was my depression making me feel things that weren't true, and he said right, and that was it.

Before that day I looked forward to coming out, I was scared, but I knew I just had to do it, but now, because my own father could forget something like that, I'm just to petrified beyond belief to even consider coming out again, I just don't think I'm physically capable anymore.

And yet my sisters kid smiles and he acts like it's the best thing in the world and shows her attention constantly, and how messed up is my situation that I'm envious of a one year old.

My parent's aren't actively cruel like some I've seen. They aren't cruel towards me I guess, they just don't seem to care about me. They're always all friendly seeming, and joking a lot of the time, and it's, they're not bad people, I don't think, but I just feel no connection to them whatsoever, in either direction, and yet at the same time I can't do anything I want to do, only what they do...

I dunno, maybe I'm just being ridiculous, maybe they're not really bad and I'm the one for thinking so horribly of them all the time, and thinking they do the same towards me. I dunno..

It sounds like your parents are on the emotional abusive side. My dad's the same way. Shows no interest in things I'm interested in; talks over me, gives me mixed messages, doesn't realise college was his idea and not mine and favours my brother. I just try my best to avoid him now. I had this failed attempt at coming out too. It w
wasn't planned (so terrible way of coming out) he set up a psychiatrist appointment which I didn't go too and when I saw the psychiatrist had nothing to say; that was that.

And like you it took me years to realise it's not my fault. I've been talking to a therapist recently and the most important things I've learned is my dad shouldn't haven't treated me the he has and I'm not dumb or weird; other people around us are thinkimg the exact same thing.

I resonate with this in my own family. Things have changed, because I have to help care for them, but please believe I do have to put on a facade to survive until I get my money right again. In my case I'm not my families blood so it was even easier. Therapists in the past didn't believe me when I told them what was going on at home.

Suffice to say, I've changed as a result. While I've gotten stronger dealing with them, I'm becoming my own best friend in trying to recover my life.

I wish you well

I'm not sure they're abusive in anyway, or at least they don't mean to be, I think. I mean once in awhile they say "you know how much we love you right?" They're still horrible, and I spend a good amount of time hating them, but maybe I'm only hating them for something that isn't there, like I'm actively trying to hate them or something.

And even as I say this I realize thats exactly what someone in my situation would say isn't it? Or thats the actively trying as well and I'm making to much out of it. And yet I can't get rid of the way I feel about them, the cloud of negativity that falls over me everytime I'm around them leaving me unable to say a majority of what I'd like to say. But I don't want to sound stupid, every time I've felt the need to say something and actually say it rather then keep it interelized it always ends with me being the one upset. And yet I still do it for some stupid reason. I dunno.

Quote from: Reyes on July 27, 2016, 10:15:16 AM
I'm not sure they're abusive in anyway, or at least they don't mean to be, I think. I mean once in awhile they say "you know how much we love you right?" They're still horrible, and I spend a good amount of time hating them, but maybe I'm only hating them for something that isn't there, like I'm actively trying to hate them or something.

And even as I say this I realize thats exactly what someone in my situation would say isn't it? Or thats the actively trying as well and I'm making to much out of it. And yet I can't get rid of the way I feel about them, the cloud of negativity that falls over me everytime I'm around them leaving me unable to say a majority of what I'd like to say. But I don't want to sound stupid, every time I've felt the need to say something and actually say it rather then keep it interelized it always ends with me being the one upset. And yet I still do it for some stupid reason. I dunno.

These are classic signs of emotional abuse. A person saying they love you doesn't make it ok for them to hurt you with what they say. Nor does it make it alright for them not to take your feelings into account and ignore them. It sounds like you're trying to find ways to get them to accept you as their child; but they will only accept you if you fit their picture of who you must be. It's not stupid of you to keep trying; everyone wants acceptance from their parents. But unfortunately some parents are simply blinded to people who aren't apart of their bubble.

Hi there.

I have a similar family. Distant and cold, not interested very much in me, etc etc.

As one person put, this is a kind of emotional abuse. I do think my parents do know when they are acting this way. As in acting this way on purpose to get what they want from me or other people. But I also think that they have done this so long, they generally do not know how to show affection in a correct and healthy way.

Someone above me mentioned how some parents are in a bubble? That is exactly how I described my relationship to my parents with my therapist. They have this bubble/sphere. Some times you are able to get through. Most of the time you are not.

I know you're right, I do. And apparently I suffered a panic attack yesterday because of them. But no matter how much I know you're right, how much I hate them, how much they upset me over the course of most days, I just can't get rid of that nagging feeling and thoughts that they aren't. That I'm making things seem worse then they are, maybe its just my depression making it seem so bad. Even now as I type this I feel so strongely that I'm lying, that I'm villianizing my parents at all times to get attention from other people. I know I'm not, and I know you're right about them, but..

Quote from: Reyes on July 27, 2016, 12:39:36 PM
I know you're right, I do. And apparently I suffered a panic attack yesterday because of them. But no matter how much I know you're right, how much I hate them, how much they upset me over the course of most days, I just can't get rid of that nagging feeling and thoughts that they aren't. That I'm making things seem worse then they are, maybe its just my depression making it seem so bad. Even now as I type this I feel so strongely that I'm lying, that I'm villianizing my parents at all times to get attention from other people. I know I'm not, and I know you're right about them, but..

It's definitely a process to understand and believe you've done nothing wrong. From seeing my therapist I'm at the understanding bit but not the believing. You might want to look into therapy yourself. Or look into LGBT charities who sometimes do counselling or mentoring.

I've been seeing someone the past two months I think, 3 appointments thus far. The last one I came out to her near the end. I can't believe I managed it, but I asked for a paper and pen, and was trying to write it for like 5 minutes but I couldn't even touch the pen to the paper. Finally I just gave up and said, Yeah this isn't going to work. In November I realized I was transgender. And I can't believe I actually said it just flat out like that, that has never been me, usually I trying to hint at things and hope people figure out what I'm trying to say when it comes to anything important.

Sadly what gave me the push to tell her was the fact that I might not be again, I couldn't let that happen without at least telling her first. When the session started she told me she's opening her own practice, and there won't be any way to know for at least another week, but if she takes my insurance, she has to be approved apparently, then I'll continue seeing her. If not, I'll be seeing this other woman in the office who she says is very good and she even said she'd tell her what I had told her that day so I wouldn't have to go through how nervous I'd been again if I wanted. Which I very much did, I don't think I'd be able to do so anytime soon.

But whoever I see next I'll try and bring this up. It's just, what makes it so difficult for me to except, there are times when it's good, when they're kind, asking me if I want something when he goes grocery shopping, or just, things that feel like, not a family, but not people I hate. Even if I still barely feel comfortable enough to say anything. Once in a blue moon I say a lot, but that doesn't really happen anymore to much.

It's just, when I do something that upsets them, when I don't want to go to my grand mothers house one sunday because I feel sick as anything, and my dad starts getting pissed off about that, and I just feel so guilty that most of the time I end up going.. I remember most recent time that happened I stayed home, and as they were leaving my dad was yelling something about how he should have me checked into a hospital. And then later on when he gets home he's saying, you know I would never actually do that, I like you living here.

It's just so confusing, I have no idea if things are bad or good, sometimes things seem good and I feel horrible for thinking otherwise, like with this thread, I can't help but think, what am I doing saying all this, they're not really bad, even if we don't really have anything in common. But then other times when things are bad I just wish so hard I could just leave..

Hi Reyes

When I told my parents there was very little in the way of reaction...my Mother told me how brave I was and my Father told me nothing would change in his eyes and I would always be his son. Seemed Ok at the time I was visiting them from another country so we had limited time to discuss things. The thing is we didn't discuss anything, it was never mentioned again while I was there. This silence sent on for 3 month until I sent them an email talking about coming out to the wide family and this met with a very urgent response from them to not do anything. The have pretty much said to me that they do not want me to tell anyone in the extended family.

I went home to see them a few weeks ago and I have changed heaps but they never even acknowledged it. They made no allowance for any changes I had made nor asked me one question about my transition. The only time it was spoken about was when my Mother "Forbade" me from coming out to my Aunt and Uncle(her sister and brother-in-law)

When I speak to my father about this he becomes quite animated and agitated that he can't see any need for telling anyone. So now I feel like their dirty little secret...and it hurts...a lot. I have been trying to resolve this situation now for months and it is pointless. I finally gave up...I will tell them limited amounts of what is going on and continue to tell the extended family. I am nice to them but keep it limited and they really don't have too much idea of what is going on. I am also 52...it doesn't mater how old you are, being unreasonable has no age barriers.

Are you living under the same roof as them and you are at least 19?...Might be time to find a new place to live if your parents continue they way they are. Is that a possibility for you?

good luck

Liz

I'm still living with my father, and I'm 28.

I wish I could move out so badly, but two factors stop me, first being the absolute inability to bring myself to do anything they wouldn't consider ordinary behavior from me that's built up over the years.

And then second is something I so badly wish I could take back. But I have aspergers. Very mild, but my mother, back when I was 18 found out I could get social security disability, and said at the meetings to behave worse then I really am. And I thought, hey, free money, yes please.

And with that I effectively ruined my life. I am not allowed to own anything, like a car or home, in my name. I'm not allowed to have a checking account in my own name, it's in my fathers. Really the only money I have that is in no way tied down is 500 dollars I have in my desk.

You have options with your parents. You can discuss you Aspergers with your therapist and retesting is possible. Your parents should be keeping an accounting of how they spend the money provided by Social Security and if they are pocketing the money, the could be in serious trouble. Lying when filling out a request for government assistance is also very serious and you parents would have to answer for anything they said that wasn't true. If you take this route, you life will be more difficult but you would be away from your parents control. The decision will be yours but think about it carefully before you decide on your future.

On retesting, it's kinda all confusing now, cause I was moved off of the SSID I was originally put on, into a disability version of regular social security after my dad started getting it. But the same restrictions still apply, but I honestly don't fully understand what happened.

Oh, and the money is only under my fathers name, I control the spending of it, but the thing is as it's under his name, my debit card is basically only usable online as it's in his name, and if they wanted to they could restrict access completely more then likely. I'm able to spend my money how I want, (even though I'm scared my father will get upset with any purchase I make) it's just none of it is recognized by the government as actually belonging to me.

Oh, quick update, dinner tonight, it was weird, nothing went wrong, and we were in that place a hell of a long time. But unlike yesterdays dinner where I felt awful being around them, with how they are, today everything was fine. That's what makes this so confusing for me, sometimes things are perfectly fine, even if I'm still all anxious at all hours, but then, well you see my previous posts.

Transgender feeling are not constant or I would have been a basket case living with them for 17  years before treatment was complete. When possible, living in the new role helps as well as distractions. What push me to move forward was the extreme depression I would have at times was getting dangerous leaving me the only option of moving forward with my transition.

Oh the trans feelings were still there, all through dinner the only thing that bugged me was that I couldn't tell them to call me Regan instead of Robert. Which is really the one thing present at all times when around people.

There was a time about 3 months after I realized I was trans, a short time after the incident, that it all just left my head completely, and that lasted about a month.

It's happened twice more since then, once it lasted about 2 or so weeks, but I'm not sure if that count's as it was more me trying to convince myself I wasn't trans. And then the same thing more recently which only lasted a few days.

Since then I haven't not had the feelings for more then a few hours at a time, mostly cause I get distracted at those times. I think it's because, and I don't exactly remember how anymore, but up till those few days I was still fighting it a good amount of the time. It was then that something happened, as I said don't remember what, which had me suddenly accept that I was indeed trans. That it was something that I wanted, that I needed. And since then, despite how miserable it can make me at times, if anyone asked if I would want to get rid of all these feelings, and be happy as a guy, I would say no. No matter how hard my life could end up being, I don't want to be a guy, and I completely accept and like that about myself now. Which sadly had the negative effect of the doubts hurting more, but y'know.

Though I mean sure, if that was done, the guy me would be fine with what had been done, but that would just be because he isn't really me.

Sigh, today at dinner things seemed to be going well and then I started to tell my grandmother something I'd just remembered I'd wanted to tell her, and my father cuts me off talking about something for like 5 minutes by which time I just didn't feel like talking again then.

And the same thing happened on the car ride back. This by the way happens quite a bit.

I can really relate to what you're going through. I've never felt like I belonged in my family. That was made worse by the fact that I knew I was transgender from a young age, even though didn't know the term or that there were other people like me. I told my mom when I was 14, and it didn't go well because I come from a very conservative Christian family. I've tried being the daughter they wanted and being someone closer to who I identify as, and both get me treated equally bad. I've been in therapy off and on for years, and all of them agree that my family's behavior is emotional abuse. It's the same kind of things that you're describing.

I wound up having to move back in with my parents after my health deteriorated a few years ago, and I'm now on disability. I've been transitioning more and more in the last few years, and so far it seems like as long as I don't draw attention to it my family is happy to ignore it and just have a lot of transphobic rants in front of me that I have to ignore for my safety. I'm trying to find housing elsewhere since I control my money, but I don't know when I'll find affordable housing.

I would think that you could possibly find a case manager through some organization that may be able to at least get it were someone else controls your money if they don't think you can, especially if you're discussing the emotionally abusive behavior your family is displaying toward you. That may be living in a group home situation though.

Y'know, when I said the rest of my family were like separate from me, I didn't mean they get along with each other all the time. Cause while they do, there's also times when they're arguing, my dad and sister, dad and grandmother, sister and grandmother, and they're just yelling at each other so loud and angry and I just hate it. I always try to stay out of it, but sometimes I slip up and end up in it with them even though some of the time what I'm saying is an attempt to get them to just stop.

But went it starts I just get all cringy and nervous, I don't want that spilling onto me, like what if my sister goes, well why don't you tell him that too, and then I'll be pulled in, cause I can't just sit there not saying a word, that would make it worse.

Quote from: Mal on July 28, 2016, 09:51:53 PM
I would think that you could possibly find a case manager through some organization that may be able to at least get it were someone else controls your money if they don't think you can, especially if you're discussing the emotionally abusive behavior your family is displaying toward you. That may be living in a group home situation though.

No, no, I could never live in a group home, I wouldn't feel even an once of comfort being around all those people I don't know, I'd be on edge at all times, it would be awful.

Oi god, I just realized the way I'm moaning about all this in here makes me I sound like a child.

Not the discussing my problems part, but the way I'm letting it all out.

I mean like I said, they're not always bad, I hate going out to eat, and we've done so every night the past week as we're on vacation so we have nothing to cook, lol. And I just don't want to go out tonight, and my dad said okay. No disagreement with letting me stay in here at all, heck, they're even going to pick me up something to eat from mcdonalds on the way back. That food is awful, yet at the same time soo good.

It's times like this, which aren't that uncommon, these small things, it's why I hate talking about them the way I've been doing. I don't know if they're abusive, I really don't, but I hate thinking of them like that, which is weird as I feel hate for them so often. I dunno, maybe it's that thing like with battered spouses, who knows. But I really have to stop whining like a kid and talk about these things without all the, well, child like whining, lol