So I've been kinda terrified this week thinking about my past life, and how I've gotten to my 9 month transition today... You see, my gender dysphoria was largely sexual. Not going to sugarcoat it. I would have urges so strong that I had to look up artwork, stories, animations, pictures, and stuff of men transforming into women, and that turned me on. God I was so disgusted. I would do the deed with it almost every night, and the orgasm would relieve my stress, and urges for a couple hours. I would then conclude it had to all be some weird, freak fetish, and that I could just hate myself for it, but not give it up, since the urges were too strong. People are frowned upon for getting turned on by that stuff (I don't mean stories of real people transitioning, but like user-created artwork of gender changes and stuff)
Well, anyway, I rarely do that anymore, 9 months on HRT, but I am constantly worried that maybe I am making the wrong decision exactly because of that? Like was it all just some weird fetish? Please tell me there is at least some sort of sexual correlation with gender dysphoria... Ugh, I feel like such a creep. I also tend to get a little turned on when I get to dress up (I am not out in public yet) which worries the heck out of me too. Hormones have made positive impacts. I am more productive, and the urges are obviously gone, but I can't deny that at times I do feel a little weird, and I am so worried it's because I'm just a guy with a freak TG fetish who mistakenly tried to change his gender. Ugh I am so scared. :( Someone please help.
Testosterone seems to really mess with our brains. Others on the site pre HRT are often involved in porn and for me the there was a sexual side to cross dressing. Elimination of testosterone not only reduces dysphoria but it also controls these unnatural urges we get. Should you stop the blockers, all of the old urges will return which is proof that you are transgender and you need to at least get the testosterone out of your life.
As for going in public, your avatar tells me you are ready. If you lived close enough to me that I could drag you out of that house into public, I would. Once you do that, there will be no going back.
Quote from: Dena on August 31, 2016, 01:30:10 AM
Testosterone seems to really mess with our brains. Others on the site pre HRT are often involved in porn and for me the there was a sexual side to cross dressing. Elimination of testosterone not only reduces dysphoria but it also controls these unnatural urges we get. Should you stop the blockers, all of the old urges will return which is proof that you are transgender and you need to at least get the testosterone out of your life.
As for going in public, your avatar tells me you are ready. If you lived close enough to me that I could drag you out of that house into public, I would. Once you do that, there will be no going back.
Thank you, Dena. But would those feelings go away after going out in public? And the only reason I have not yet is because I can't. Though I also don't feel I pass. Haha I will not deny that eliminating testosterone has limited those sexy nights from every night, to about once every other week. You think the sexual urges would come back?
I no longer consider feminine clothes to be sexy unless I am dressing for something special. I think living the life and experiencing it every just make it feel natural and comfortable. In any case, the only way you will know for sure is to try it.
As for passing, we are the last ones to see femininity in our faces. Others will see it long before us. I would suggest for your first few trips, go where you will be comfortable. Your therapist or a visit to people who know what you are doing. After you become comfortable with that, move a bit more out of your comfort zone until you are full time.
Quote from: Dena on August 31, 2016, 01:49:29 AM
I no longer consider feminine clothes to be sexy unless I am dressing for something special. I think living the life and experiencing it every just make it feel natural and comfortable. In any case, the only way you will know for sure is to try it.
As for passing, we are the last ones to see femininity in our faces. Others will see it long before us. I would suggest for your first few trips, go where you will be comfortable. Your therapist or a visit to people who know what you are doing. After you become comfortable with that, move a bit more out of your comfort zone until you are full time.
That makes a lot of sense, thank you! I will try baby steps first. However, I am still tremendously worried about my sexual link with my decision to transition. Like... I NEVER hear other woman say they had feelings like that.
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on August 31, 2016, 01:51:40 AM
That makes a lot of sense, thank you! I will try baby steps first. However, I am still tremendously worried about my sexual link with my decision to transition. Like... I NEVER hear other woman say they had feelings like that.
That's simply because few will admit to it..
I'll admit to it and it leaves me a bit concerned too. The two things that help me overcome that concern are first, being very happy that it is gone, and second, remembering how bad I always felt then and how good I feel now.
I've been obsessive about sex for a very long time and no longer stigmatize myself. Sexual desire isn't a bad thing and our society is given to some very messed up (yes there's a better adjective) contradictions on sexuality. Not the least of that is that we are on the one hand puritanical/fundamentalist and on the other hand have a huge societal investment in highly sexualized images in media.
I started cross dressing principally for the sexual pleasure and it took time to realize that it was about more than just that and being more flexible about gender roles and expression.
The women's movement made an early and in my mind unholy alliance with the religious right in political attacks on pornography. Happily there is now a far wider interpretations of what it means to be feminist.
Our attractions form in the context of what we're exposed to and denial of attraction is rarely a good thing (and ultimately in my view is the source of our puritanical attitudes towards sexuality).
How much estrogen affect my sexual response was a huge surprise. I can't count the number of times I've realized shifting from stereotypical male to stereotypical female in things both sexual and emotional. ... I guess it's no surprise those things are tightly coupled.
I was the same if you have read my posts. Being sexually turned on and masturbating was my way to handle my dysphoria. Even on HRT these sexual feelings only diminished a little. Thats why I saw a therapist for 3 years before I accepted that I was trans and started hrt. Then 3 years after HRT I had my srs. I am finally at peace and living my dream.
Quote from: kelly_aus on August 31, 2016, 04:13:13 AM
That's simply because few will admit to it..
Oh my gosh! Is that true!? :o
Quote from: Deborah on August 31, 2016, 04:18:57 AM
I'll admit to it and it leaves me a bit concerned too. The two things that help me overcome that concern are first, being very happy that it is gone, and second, remembering how bad I always felt then and how good I feel now.
So happy for you!! No doubt I do feel better since HRT. Not just emotion though. I am like way more productive, it's scary. I have worked on all my dreams since then, which is something I would always procrastinate beforehand.
Quote from: SadieBlake on August 31, 2016, 04:49:57 AM
I've been obsessive about sex for a very long time and no longer stigmatize myself. Sexual desire isn't a bad thing and our society is given to some very messed up (yes there's a better adjective) contradictions on sexuality. Not the least of that is that we are on the one hand puritanical/fundamentalist and on the other hand have a huge societal investment in highly sexualized images in media.
I started cross dressing principally for the sexual pleasure and it took time to realize that it was about more than just that and being more flexible about gender roles and expression.
The women's movement made an early and in my mind unholy alliance with the religious right in political attacks on pornography. Happily there is now a far wider interpretations of what it means to be feminist.
Our attractions form in the context of what we're exposed to and denial of attraction is rarely a good thing (and ultimately in my view is the source of our puritanical attitudes towards sexuality).
How much estrogen affect my sexual response was a huge surprise. I can't count the number of times I've realized shifting from stereotypical male to stereotypical female in things both sexual and emotional. ... I guess it's no surprise those things are tightly coupled.
So it's actually normal for a trans woman to have those intense sexual urges over the thought, and it's okay that I did, and sometimes still do? D: I always hear so many frown upon the idea of thinking about it in a sexual way, and it is generally looked down on if looking at things like gender transformation art turns you on if you are genuinely trans. So many would say that is a surefire way to know you're not trans, and that it's just a fetish.
I don't feel particularly trans these days, or female much either whatever that is. I feel normal. I'm ok with that because I've tried so very hard to stop and its impossible. All I can say is that if I'm not trans the difference is academic.
I do like what I'm doing, its just that if liking was all there was to it I'd probably not do it. It's far to hard.
If you stop HRT you'll no doubt find all the bad stuff happening again. It seems to be very common that people feel fine after taking HRT then start questioning themselves.
Crossdressing once had a sexual nature to it for me also. The HRT has stopped that (which I'm grateful for), but the trans feelings are still there as strong as ever. My desire to be female was there well before puberty, so perhaps over time I sexualised my trans feelings as a coping mechanism for the underlying dysphoria.
Pre HRT, the sexual side, plus the fact that the intensity of the dysphoria would rise and fall in cycles, made me seriously question where I fell on the trans spectrum, or even if I was genuinely trans at all. I also wondered whether the whole thing was just some bizarre lifelong obsession.
What I know with certainty is that the steps I'm taking to treat this condition have made my life so much better than before.
Add my name to these discriptions. Those desires and urges were part of why I didn't think I was transsexual. I assumed it was a perverse kink. Then thought I had to accept I was a cross dresser. It wasn't till later I remembered (it's hard for me to remember- I have gaps from my childhood) that I tried to dress and be a girl before puberty. Then when puberty came along, it all became sexualized. As I understand it cis woman sometimes feel sexy or get a little turned on just by dressing up themselves. Seems like you are in good company. You are not alone.
I agree with Dena that if that picture is accurate, you totally pass. I am not publicly presenting either. I just do it for therapy and group sessions. You are so cute in that photo.
I also believe from what I have read of other's experiences, that eliminating the anti androgen will bring back all of those disturbing urges.
I assume you are in therapy. Maybe you should discuss these concerns in your next session?
I hope you are able to see yourself differently now.
With warmth,
Joanna
Agree with all the above, you absolutely pass, I would never have guessed you had a male body to begin with.
On the T thing, it absolutely will come back if the T comes back, and not only will it come back, it will come back just as strong, but you(or I) will be completely unaccustomed to handling it and directing it into something that is at least harmless and private.
But you know, there is also a wholesome part of sexuality, something I couldn't see at all before; dressing to attract is part of that if you are looking for a relationship. I'm personally not ready to go there, and will likely leave it completely suppressed for some time, and will avoid consciously considering it as well. But eventually, I hope to allow it back into my life as a positive, gentle, loving act. When I do so, I'll do so consciously, and deliberately, not driven to frenzy by some predatory molecule that my brain can not handle.
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on August 31, 2016, 09:09:57 AM
Oh my gosh! Is that true!? :o
So happy for you!! No doubt I do feel better since HRT. Not just emotion though. I am like way more productive, it's scary. I have worked on all my dreams since then, which is something I would always procrastinate beforehand.
So it's actually normal for a trans woman to have those intense sexual urges over the thought, and it's okay that I did, and sometimes still do? D: I always hear so many frown upon the idea of thinking about it in a sexual way, and it is generally looked down on if looking at things like gender transformation art turns you on if you are genuinely trans. So many would say that is a surefire way to know you're not trans, and that it's just a fetish.
I'll go one better and say there is no 'normal'. There are a lot of frequently - repeating themes. I've known transwomen who've been sexually active and adventurous both pre and post-op. I've known others who are effectively asexual. And others who change little in their sexuality across transition; still others who change dramatically.
And attitudes are perhaps even more varied. Yes I've seen the sexually active, and transexual sex workers looked down on just as I've seen women who are effectively celibate catch shade for who they are. And yes, there are transexuals who see cross dressers as inherently less valid. That was more of a distinction in my past experience than anything recent.
I'm pansexual and yes trans porn can still do something for me - less than it may have in the past, estrogen has changed my responses, not eliminated them. It probably helps that I have more than a couple of friends who have made trans porn and one who still makes it her day job.
When I was younger, yes, there were sexual urges tied into presentation. To be honest, there were sexual urges tied into everything. Testosterone does that, especially when injected by someone trying to 'fix' me. I was 'counseled' by religious leaders and 'cured' of all this. :(
Honestly, I think it's fairly normal. The novelty of an activity that we culturally link to sex makes it exciting. That plus testosterone leads to sexual excitement. If we were to tie this into sexual activity to the point where it becomes our primary sexual outlet, I suspect we'd be getting into fetish territory.
The thing is, when the novelty and excitement wore off, I still felt driven to try and present as female, just to feel 'right'. No sexual activity was involved any more. Without the presentation, I got a psychic itch that led to more and more discomfort with myself, downright crankiness and eventually depression. After a number of years had passed, presenting female became the only escape I had availabile from depression. Some events in my life led me to realize my true nature, which I tried hard to repress for decades until I blew my psychic fuses, sought therapy, and found this place.
I started to cross dress because the idea turned me on. The first time I dressed it just felt like coming home (excuse the pun). After the act I didn't want to take the clothes off. They felt even better without the underlying urges. The sexual part wore off pretty quickly. I spend most of my time dressed now and the sexual aspect is pretty much non-existant. I still get turned on by wearing sexy underwear or a really sexy dress or skirt but I do that deliberatly now on special occassions like many girls do. Mostly I just throw on what's comfortable and just feel at peace. I'm not on any HRT so even with normal male levels of T my attitude to the dressing has become non-sexual.
B
Quote from: BirlPower on August 31, 2016, 03:21:02 PM
I started to cross dress because the idea turned me on. The first time I dressed it just felt like coming home (excuse the pun). After the act I didn't want to take the clothes off. They felt even better without the underlying urges. The sexual part wore off pretty quickly. I spend most of my time dressed now and the sexual aspect is pretty much non-existant. I still get turned on by wearing sexy underwear or a really sexy dress or skirt but I do that deliberatly now on special occassions like many girls do. Mostly I just throw on what's comfortable and just feel at peace. I'm not on any HRT so even with normal male levels of T my attitude to the dressing has become non-sexual.
B
Yeah, this definitely has me worried about my own feelings then.
Have you thought of talking to a counsellor:)?
Quote from: chloeD33 on August 31, 2016, 06:56:56 PM
Have you thought of talking to a counsellor:)?
I do. She says that so many trans women have had the same experience, and that even if sexual is a large component of it, that is nothing to be ashamed of.
Sounds like a good counselor! Don't forget, erections are not always sexual to begin with. I'm not arguing and saying u did not have kink to it, but at the same time erections are largely due to extreme blood flow to the Weiner. Anxiety, excitement, ect can produce the same result. Also, if u were doing this at the start of puberty it could have been all those linked together :) food for thought!
Quote from: warlockmaker on August 31, 2016, 05:58:09 AM
I was the same if you have read my posts. Being sexually turned on and masturbating was my way to handle my dysphoria. Even on HRT these sexual feelings only diminished a little. Thats why I saw a therapist for 3 years before I accepted that I was trans and started hrt. Then 3 years after HRT I had my srs. I am finally at peace and living my dream.
So happy for you! I guess everyone really is different. Because I also hear about people who lose the sexual nature entirely on HRT. I suppose I lean toward that side, and that is okay? The fact that it was largely a sexual thing is okay? D:
Quote from: AnonyMs on August 31, 2016, 09:20:37 AM
I don't feel particularly trans these days, or female much either whatever that is. I feel normal. I'm ok with that because I've tried so very hard to stop and its impossible. All I can say is that if I'm not trans the difference is academic.
I do like what I'm doing, its just that if liking was all there was to it I'd probably not do it. It's far to hard.
If you stop HRT you'll no doubt find all the bad stuff happening again. It seems to be very common that people feel fine after taking HRT then start questioning themselves.
Oh gosh, that makes me much more comfortable to know. Thank you! <3
Quote from: Violets on August 31, 2016, 10:20:57 AM
Crossdressing once had a sexual nature to it for me also. The HRT has stopped that (which I'm grateful for), but the trans feelings are still there as strong as ever. My desire to be female was there well before puberty, so perhaps over time I sexualised my trans feelings as a coping mechanism for the underlying dysphoria.
Pre HRT, the sexual side, plus the fact that the intensity of the dysphoria would rise and fall in cycles, made me seriously question where I fell on the trans spectrum, or even if I was genuinely trans at all. I also wondered whether the whole thing was just some bizarre lifelong obsession.
What I know with certainty is that the steps I'm taking to treat this condition have made my life so much better than before.
Oh my gosh, you nailed EXACTLY how it's been for me! D: I am not alone! ^_^
Quote from: Joanna50 on August 31, 2016, 12:45:30 PM
Add my name to these discriptions. Those desires and urges were part of why I didn't think I was transsexual. I assumed it was a perverse kink. Then thought I had to accept I was a cross dresser. It wasn't till later I remembered (it's hard for me to remember- I have gaps from my childhood) that I tried to dress and be a girl before puberty. Then when puberty came along, it all became sexualized. As I understand it cis woman sometimes feel sexy or get a little turned on just by dressing up themselves. Seems like you are in good company. You are not alone.
I agree with Dena that if that picture is accurate, you totally pass. I am not publicly presenting either. I just do it for therapy and group sessions. You are so cute in that photo.
I also believe from what I have read of other's experiences, that eliminating the anti androgen will bring back all of those disturbing urges.
I assume you are in therapy. Maybe you should discuss these concerns in your next session?
I hope you are able to see yourself differently now.
With warmth,
Joanna
Oh my gosh, you just made me feel SO much better. X_X Like wow, thank you. <3 I need to give you a hug if it's okay. And my therapist is not primarily gender-based, but she has dealt with a lot of LGBTQ, and she seems to really know. I love her.
Quote from: rwOnnaDesuKa on August 31, 2016, 01:06:50 PM
Agree with all the above, you absolutely pass, I would never have guessed you had a male body to begin with.
On the T thing, it absolutely will come back if the T comes back, and not only will it come back, it will come back just as strong, but you(or I) will be completely unaccustomed to handling it and directing it into something that is at least harmless and private.
But you know, there is also a wholesome part of sexuality, something I couldn't see at all before; dressing to attract is part of that if you are looking for a relationship. I'm personally not ready to go there, and will likely leave it completely suppressed for some time, and will avoid consciously considering it as well. But eventually, I hope to allow it back into my life as a positive, gentle, loving act. When I do so, I'll do so consciously, and deliberately, not driven to frenzy by some predatory molecule that my brain can not handle.
Thank you so so much!!! ^_^ I feel a little better now. Perhaps it's simply the case that masturbation, and sexual fetish was my way of channeling all of that discomfort out of my body? I am so much more productive now that the sexual urges have dropped 75%.
Quote from: chloeD33 on August 31, 2016, 07:12:15 PM
Sounds like a good counselor! Don't forget, erections are not always sexual to begin with. I'm not arguing and saying u did not have kink to it, but at the same time erections are largely due to extreme blood flow to the Weiner. Anxiety, excitement, ect can produce the same result. Also, if u were doing this at the start of puberty it could have been all those linked together :) food for thought!
Well I must definitely admit that I noticed at a young age my way of acting on puberty was different from any other guy at the time. I would never ever look at porn, or think of women in that way or anything. Sex, and masturbation was a largely emotional thing. I'd be turned on greatly by things that made me feel emotionally satisfied, like transforming into a woman. I won't deny that there is obviously some sexual nature to a magic gender transformation like that, but I'd also get turned on by things like living as a woman, and not only the transformation.
Exactly. Many go through nwhat u do, I have had friends tell me super similar experiences. And it seems to be a whole combo of what I and others have mentioned :). Feel better now :)?
Quote from: chloeD33 on August 31, 2016, 07:23:52 PM
Exactly. Many go through nwhat u do, I have had friends tell me super similar experiences. And it seems to be a whole combo of what I and others have mentioned :). Feel better now :)?
I do. :) But when I say largely sexual, I do mean largely sexual. That's what worries me... :/
May I inquire. If u did not do this sexual lly do u think you would still wana be a girl (bye u are beautiful:) )
Quote from: SadieBlake on August 31, 2016, 01:09:04 PM
I'll go one better and say there is no 'normal'. There are a lot of frequently - repeating themes. I've known transwomen who've been sexually active and adventurous both pre and post-op. I've known others who are effectively asexual. And others who change little in their sexuality across transition; still others who change dramatically.
And attitudes are perhaps even more varied. Yes I've seen the sexually active, and transexual sex workers looked down on just as I've seen women who are effectively celibate catch shade for who they are. And yes, there are transexuals who see cross dressers as inherently less valid. That was more of a distinction in my past experience than anything recent.
I'm pansexual and yes trans porn can still do something for me - less than it may have in the past, estrogen has changed my responses, not eliminated them. It probably helps that I have more than a couple of friends who have made trans porn and one who still makes it her day job.
Oh wow, I am starting to feel less alone. :') So it was a big kink for you pre-HRT? Cause it has definitely died down a lot, I will say that.
Quote from: Michelle_P on August 31, 2016, 01:25:46 PM
When I was younger, yes, there were sexual urges tied into presentation. To be honest, there were sexual urges tied into everything. Testosterone does that, especially when injected by someone trying to 'fix' me. I was 'counseled' by religious leaders and 'cured' of all this. :(
Honestly, I think it's fairly normal. The novelty of an activity that we culturally link to sex makes it exciting. That plus testosterone leads to sexual excitement. If we were to tie this into sexual activity to the point where it becomes our primary sexual outlet, I suspect we'd be getting into fetish territory.
The thing is, when the novelty and excitement wore off, I still felt driven to try and present as female, just to feel 'right'. No sexual activity was involved any more. Without the presentation, I got a psychic itch that led to more and more discomfort with myself, downright crankiness and eventually depression. After a number of years had passed, presenting female became the only escape I had availabile from depression. Some events in my life led me to realize my true nature, which I tried hard to repress for decades until I blew my psychic fuses, sought therapy, and found this place.
That makes a lot of sense, but I guess it worries me because 90% of my sexual feelings ever were based on gender transformation, and me changing. I rarely as a man going through puberty ever just thought of like conventional sex, or attractive women or any of that. I felt more like I wanted to BE the attractive woman. Girls were pretty and all that, but the idea of being one with them? So much more appealing. I wanted that for myself, and it would turn me on. :/
Quote from: chloeD33 on August 31, 2016, 07:29:42 PM
May I inquire. If u did not do this sexual lly do u think you would still wana be a girl (bye u are beautiful:) )
Sorry, not 100% sure on what you mean.
Btw** stupid auto correct
Also, what I mean is if you took the sexual urges away, had you never done that do you think you would still go through what you are. Tbh, from what I can gather from you I think you would :)
Quote from: chloeD33 on August 31, 2016, 07:31:55 PM
Btw** stupid auto correct
Oh gosh, you are so sweet, thank you! X_X <3 Uuum there was always an emotional reason for transitioning as well. The thought made me happy.
Quote from: chloeD33 on August 31, 2016, 07:34:08 PM
Also, what I mean is if you took the sexual urges away, had you never done that do you think you would still go through what you are. Tbh, from what I can gather from you I think you would :)
I think if I had taken the sexual urges away it would have probably channeled into something else? Idk, that's what I hope at least. Maybe I simply was so sexual about it because I was absolutely not sexual about anything else. I was so unconventional for a boy going through puberty.
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on August 31, 2016, 07:35:34 PM
I think if I had taken the sexual urges away it would have probably channeled into something else? Idk, that's what I hope at least. Maybe I simply was so sexual about it because I was absolutely not sexual about anything else. I was so unconventional for a boy going through puberty.
I don't know... My head is spinning again. :(
My sex drive was in hyper drive before HRT and remained so for decades, and all of the things that went with that (porn, wasting time, etc).
There was some point in the past where dressing fed into that but i lost the sexual component to my feminization desires probably around your age. Still was in hyper drive and most of focus was either as a submissive or as a woman. (but the actually feminization steps did not in and of themselves turn me on if that makes any sense)
HRT took that away and i am super happy it did. I now have a comfortable sex drive that is largely driven by emotions and loving feelings for my spouse.
Sounds to me like your therapist and the ladies here are right, it is normal part of the change that many of us go through.
Quote from: RobynD on August 31, 2016, 07:36:57 PM
My sex drive was in hyper drive before HRT and remained so for decades, and all of the things that went with that (porn, wasting time, etc).
There was some point in the past where dressing fed into that but i lost the sexual component to my feminization desires probably around your age. Still was in hyper drive and most of focus was either as a submissive or as a woman. (but the actually feminization steps did not in and of themselves turn me on if that makes any sense)
HRT took that away and i am super happy it did. I now have a comfortable sex drive that is largely driven by emotions and loving feelings for my spouse.
Sounds to me like your therapist and the ladies here are right, it is normal part of the change that many of us go through.
Oh, thank you, Robyn. :) I am glad you came to a comfortable position. But do you think the fact that my sex drive was so largely based on gender transformation and stuff like that that I should be worried? D:
Then there ya go! Among other things you were not a typical boy. I know this is confusing and kinda scary, but you are not the first, nor last person to express doubts (not only referring to sexual reasons, but a host of others) just think hard about it, are you happier now? The last thing you want is to let this fester, do something extreme (detransition) only to realize you transitioned for a reason and have to start process over again! Girl we are all here for ya, I can explain more personal deets on personal message, u got this girl :) <3
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on August 31, 2016, 01:16:43 AM
So I've been kinda terrified this week thinking about my past life, and how I've gotten to my 9 month transition today... You see, my gender dysphoria was largely sexual. Not going to sugarcoat it. I would have urges so strong that I had to look up artwork, stories, animations, pictures, and stuff of men transforming into women, and that turned me on. God I was so disgusted. I would do the deed with it almost every night, and the orgasm would relieve my stress, and urges for a couple hours. I would then conclude it had to all be some weird, freak fetish, and that I could just hate myself for it, but not give it up, since the urges were too strong. People are frowned upon for getting turned on by that stuff (I don't mean stories of real people transitioning, but like user-created artwork of gender changes and stuff)
Well, anyway, I rarely do that anymore, 9 months on HRT, but I am constantly worried that maybe I am making the wrong decision exactly because of that? Like was it all just some weird fetish? Please tell me there is at least some sort of sexual correlation with gender dysphoria... Ugh, I feel like such a creep. I also tend to get a little turned on when I get to dress up (I am not out in public yet) which worries the heck out of me too. Hormones have made positive impacts. I am more productive, and the urges are obviously gone, but I can't deny that at times I do feel a little weird, and I am so worried it's because I'm just a guy with a freak TG fetish who mistakenly tried to change his gender. Ugh I am so scared. :( Someone please help.
First off, let me start off by saying, HOW ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?!? I don't know how anyone can gender you male from looking at your pic...
Honestly, I struggled mightily with what your going through right now as well. I was totally worried that it was just some weird sexual kink or fetish too. I would also cross-dress and then take care of business, that was really the only way I ever did it.. The urges were so strong that I never even attempted to fight it or stop doing it.
I started therapy because of that, because I wasn't sure if I was trans or if it was just that; I didn't wanna make a mistake and end up regretting it for the rest of my life. We didn't really end up talking about it too much but he seemed to think that I was trans pretty early on and I sorta went with that. I kinda already had decided my course of action before seeing him anyways and seeing him convinced me to keep moving forward with things. I never actually imagined I'd be were I am now, I didn't think I could actually do it, I knew it was something I wanted and maybe needed but I never thought I'd go this far, lol. I just kept at it, doing one baby step at a time, slowly moving forward, and here I am now. Have 0 regrets about any of it.
It sounds like you are doing well, after 9 months of hrt, and if that is so, I wouldn't worry about it, the why or whatever, and just keep doing what you are doing. The question I'd be asking if I was you is, are you thinking about going further or are you happy as is and plan on staying where you are now?
(Idk where to put this so putting it here: FYI, I'm still totally into those types of stories that you mentioned above..)
Anyways, just wanted to let you know that yes, there are people like that around, lol. Hope this helps.
Quote from: chloeD33 on August 31, 2016, 07:46:30 PM
Then there ya go! Among other things you were not a typical boy. I know this is confusing and kinda scary, but you are not the first, nor last person to express doubts (not only referring to sexual reasons, but a host of others) just think hard about it, are you happier now? The last thing you want is to let this fester, do something extreme (detransition) only to realize you transitioned for a reason and have to start process over again! Girl we are all here for ya, I can explain more personal deets on personal message, u got this girl :) <3
Oh my gosh, you made me feel so much better. X_X Seriously, thank you so much. <3 You can message me about ANYthing! ^_^
Quote from: LivingTheDream on August 31, 2016, 10:06:29 PM
First off, let me start off by saying, HOW ARE YOU NOT OUT YET?!? I don't know how anyone can gender you male from looking at your pic...
Honestly, I struggled mightily with what your going through right now as well. I was totally worried that it was just some weird sexual kink or fetish too. I would also cross-dress and then take care of business, that was really the only way I ever did it.. The urges were so strong that I never even attempted to fight it or stop doing it.
I started therapy because of that, because I wasn't sure if I was trans or if it was just that; I didn't wanna make a mistake and end up regretting it for the rest of my life. We didn't really end up talking about it too much but he seemed to think that I was trans pretty early on and I sorta went with that. I kinda already had decided my course of action before seeing him anyways and seeing him convinced me to keep moving forward with things. I never actually imagined I'd be were I am now, I didn't think I could actually do it, I knew it was something I wanted and maybe needed but I never thought I'd go this far, lol. I just kept at it, doing one baby step at a time, slowly moving forward, and here I am now. Have 0 regrets about any of it.
It sounds like you are doing well, after 9 months of hrt, and if that is so, I wouldn't worry about it, the why or whatever, and just keep doing what you are doing. The question I'd be asking if I was you is, are you thinking about going further or are you happy as is and plan on staying where you are now?
(Idk where to put this so putting it here: FYI, I'm still totally into those types of stories that you mentioned above..)
Anyways, just wanted to let you know that yes, there are people like that around, lol. Hope this helps.
Oh dear me, I'm blushing. I was actually going to ask if anyone thought I passed. It's just the makeup, trust me. Haha :icon_redface:
You have seriously made me feel so much better about this, oh my God. <3 I'm finally calmed down, knowing I am not alone, or the only person who felt this way. Thank you!!! ^_^ <3
Recap:
No don't worry about it. Why?
You are not alone. There are many of us who started from the same place.
The positive effects of the changes you made are more suggestions to keep moving in that direction.
You pass. (I looked at some of your other posts-hope I don't seem like a stalker- I saw a before and after- you may not see it and I hope this does not bother you but your before looked androgynous already- you have moved more to a more female quality since then). If it is makeup, it is applied in a way many cis women would kill to be able to do.
With warmth,
Joanna
PS- He's still not ginger but I love your name as well.
I've been confused about my sexuality since as long as I can remember. I was a late bloomer into maleness and so I always felt comfort in wearing, in particular, my sisters clothes. This eventually added a sexual component to my life that I never experienced when most do before high school. I tried to hide my proclivities and thought I had succeeded when I married my first wife. After all she had an very active sex drive and I thought that would solve mine. But it didn't. We divorced after three years. I remarried five years later and my new wife and I, who now is my old wife of 31 years, had two children, again trying to prove my manliness. One of the most concerning problems was what if my latent sexual habits were found out and God forbid they take away my kids. I tried to hide while my kids grew up, but was really not very good at it. Sneaking in sessions of dressing up whenever I could. I continued and now I will be 65 next month. After I was forced to retire, I found I had lots of time on my hands. The more I resisted the stronger the urge, until I had had enough. Living a lie, becoming angrier, and angrier, I became more and more sullen until I just couldn't stand myself anymore. I more or less retreated to my room and sulked. Until one day I think I had a mental breakdown at my sisters house and as a result promised I would seek counseling. I finally addressed the 800 lb gorilla to my therapist, and by the third meeting began discussing HRT at her suggestion. I could not believe my ears. Some contacts were made, and the education began. Thanks to the very wonderful folks at Susan's I found what being true to yourself really is and how important it is to live life as you were meant to. Five month later I'm on my 17th day of estradiol. I have been on low dose Spiro for 25 years so my sex drive was pretty much gone by now and I no longer visit the Jacksons. But, now I get turned on so many other ways. My nipples are getting more and more sensitive. My testes are in the process of shrinking and have gone from walnut size to pecan size. Although I can't get an erection, the tip of my penis is incredibly sensitive and I want to experience sex as a woman. What you have experienced I imagine is not too different than many of us.
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on August 31, 2016, 01:16:43 AM
So I've been kinda terrified this week thinking about my past life, and how I've gotten to my 9 month transition today... You see, my gender dysphoria was largely sexual. Not going to sugarcoat it. I would have urges so strong that I had to look up artwork, stories, animations, pictures, and stuff of men transforming into women, and that turned me on. God I was so disgusted. I would do the deed with it almost every night, and the orgasm would relieve my stress, and urges for a couple hours. I would then conclude it had to all be some weird, freak fetish, and that I could just hate myself for it, but not give it up, since the urges were too strong. People are frowned upon for getting turned on by that stuff (I don't mean stories of real people transitioning, but like user-created artwork of gender changes and stuff)
Well, anyway, I rarely do that anymore, 9 months on HRT, but I am constantly worried that maybe I am making the wrong decision exactly because of that? Like was it all just some weird fetish? Please tell me there is at least some sort of sexual correlation with gender dysphoria... Ugh, I feel like such a creep. I also tend to get a little turned on when I get to dress up (I am not out in public yet) which worries the heck out of me too. Hormones have made positive impacts. I am more productive, and the urges are obviously gone, but I can't deny that at times I do feel a little weird, and I am so worried it's because I'm just a guy with a freak TG fetish who mistakenly tried to change his gender. Ugh I am so scared. :( Someone please help.
Wow, I have been at this same spot for so long, I just now starting to wonder the same things you are. Anyway, gonna probably just bite the bullet and look into therapy and see what they say.
Same situation for me. For the longest time, I thought it is just a sexual kink (which increased over time resulting in quite a collection of thigh high heel boots). So I always blames the "sexual" part for cross dressing. Also the urge and time wasted on addressing these urges came in waves - the less stress / anxiety I had the less urges have been around. Shortly before I finally realized what is going on I noticed that my style changed. It did go from kinky to slutty to business attire and now to normal day-to-day clothing. I have noticed that the crazy sex drive is now depending on how much time per day I can spend in girl mode. In girl mode it is greatly reduced, I am more productive and for most parts a lot calmer. So all the "office attire" comes in pretty handy when working in my home office.
Having said that and reading some of the other responses: It seems to be just part of the process.
I wasted 18 years hoping this was a fetish and praying it would go away because I am Christian and it is not acceptable. Until Kaitlin Jenner I didn't even know the was such a thing as GID or transgender.Now at age I'm almost 34 now and regret those wasted years but I have finally come to terms with who I am and will be starting HRT in two weeks. I think the thing that really made me realize this wasn't a fetish was how depressed I would get when I would see a pretty woman and I would desire to look like her to the point of jealousy. I don't know if my experience will help or not but that's my two cents.[emoji846]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
QuoteYes I experienced cross dressing as a fetish at first
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on August 31, 2016, 07:30:29 PM
Oh wow, I am starting to feel less alone. :') So it was a big kink for you pre-HRT? Cause it has definitely died down a lot, I will say that.
That makes a lot of sense, but I guess it worries me because 90% of my sexual feelings ever were based on gender transformation, and me changing. I rarely as a man going through puberty ever just thought of like conventional sex, or attractive women or any of that. I felt more like I wanted to BE the attractive woman. Girls were pretty and all that, but the idea of being one with them? So much more appealing. I wanted that for myself, and it would turn me on. :/
I would add that my initial motivation for SRS was desire to experience vaginal sex. I'd learned that I enjoyed being penetrated anally and could orgasm from that alone **iff the stars aligned exactly right**. Doing anal well involves so much work, active penetration (as compared to using a plug) requires enema and tons of lube, foreplay as well as a partner who really knows what they're doing and making all that happen is great and sometimes I just really rather be able to do a quickie or whatever.
So yes tho my sex drive is greatly reduced, I'm also 100% wanting to reclaim it in a female body.
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on August 31, 2016, 01:41:09 AM
Thank you, Dena. But would those feelings go away after going out in public? And the only reason I have not yet is because I can't. Though I also don't feel I pass. Haha I will not deny that eliminating testosterone has limited those sexy nights from every night, to about once every other week. You think the sexual urges would come back?
Well to me you look like Simmons from Agents of Shield, which is to say you pass just fine. I imagine you with a British accent too given the Dr Who thing, hope I'm not wrong!
Quote from: Joanna50 on September 01, 2016, 08:49:56 AM
Recap:
No don't worry about it. Why?
You are not alone. There are many of us who started from the same place.
The positive effects of the changes you made are more suggestions to keep moving in that direction.
You pass. (I looked at some of your other posts-hope I don't seem like a stalker- I saw a before and after- you may not see it and I hope this does not bother you but your before looked androgynous already- you have moved more to a more female quality since then). If it is makeup, it is applied in a way many cis women would kill to be able to do.
With warmth,
Joanna
PS- He's still not ginger but I love your name as well.
Awww I don't mind at all. That means so much to me! Thank you! ^_^ <3 I don't think I pass as female or anything without makeup, but I feel like one day I can get there. Your words are inspiring.
Quote from: DawnOday on September 01, 2016, 10:38:52 AM
I've been confused about my sexuality since as long as I can remember. I was a late bloomer into maleness and so I always felt comfort in wearing, in particular, my sisters clothes. This eventually added a sexual component to my life that I never experienced when most do before high school. I tried to hide my proclivities and thought I had succeeded when I married my first wife. After all she had an very active sex drive and I thought that would solve mine. But it didn't. We divorced after three years. I remarried five years later and my new wife and I, who now is my old wife of 31 years, had two children, again trying to prove my manliness. One of the most concerning problems was what if my latent sexual habits were found out and God forbid they take away my kids. I tried to hide while my kids grew up, but was really not very good at it. Sneaking in sessions of dressing up whenever I could. I continued and now I will be 65 next month. After I was forced to retire, I found I had lots of time on my hands. The more I resisted the stronger the urge, until I had had enough. Living a lie, becoming angrier, and angrier, I became more and more sullen until I just couldn't stand myself anymore. I more or less retreated to my room and sulked. Until one day I think I had a mental breakdown at my sisters house and as a result promised I would seek counseling. I finally addressed the 800 lb gorilla to my therapist, and by the third meeting began discussing HRT at her suggestion. I could not believe my ears. Some contacts were made, and the education began. Thanks to the very wonderful folks at Susan's I found what being true to yourself really is and how important it is to live life as you were meant to. Five month later I'm on my 17th day of estradiol. I have been on low dose Spiro for 25 years so my sex drive was pretty much gone by now and I no longer visit the Jacksons. But, now I get turned on so many other ways. My nipples are getting more and more sensitive. My testes are in the process of shrinking and have gone from walnut size to pecan size. Although I can't get an erection, the tip of my penis is incredibly sensitive and I want to experience sex as a woman. What you have experienced I imagine is not too different than many of us.
I'm so glad you were able to eventually find your answer, and get on the road to true happiness. ^_^ Thank you for reassuring me.
Quote from: Syuas on September 01, 2016, 11:33:08 AM
Wow, I have been at this same spot for so long, I just now starting to wonder the same things you are. Anyway, gonna probably just bite the bullet and look into therapy and see what they say.
I hope you can figure it out as the ladies here have helped me to do so!
Quote from: sarah1972 on September 01, 2016, 11:34:41 AM
Same situation for me. For the longest time, I thought it is just a sexual kink (which increased over time resulting in quite a collection of thigh high heel boots). So I always blames the "sexual" part for cross dressing. Also the urge and time wasted on addressing these urges came in waves - the less stress / anxiety I had the less urges have been around. Shortly before I finally realized what is going on I noticed that my style changed. It did go from kinky to slutty to business attire and now to normal day-to-day clothing. I have noticed that the crazy sex drive is now depending on how much time per day I can spend in girl mode. In girl mode it is greatly reduced, I am more productive and for most parts a lot calmer. So all the "office attire" comes in pretty handy when working in my home office.
Having said that and reading some of the other responses: It seems to be just part of the process.
Oh gosh, what a relief! I hope I can get there! I never really started at a slutty phase, so I suppose that is good. :/
Quote from: ScarletRed on September 01, 2016, 12:34:42 PM
I wasted 18 years hoping this was a fetish and praying it would go away because I am Christian and it is not acceptable. Until Kaitlin Jenner I didn't even know the was such a thing as GID or transgender.Now at age I'm almost 34 now and regret those wasted years but I have finally come to terms with who I am and will be starting HRT in two weeks. I think the thing that really made me realize this wasn't a fetish was how depressed I would get when I would see a pretty woman and I would desire to look like her to the point of jealousy. I don't know if my experience will help or not but that's my two cents.[emoji846]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
It definitely helped! ^_^ And oh my GOSH, I was the exact same way. "Can't keep having these thoughts or I will go to Hell. Gotta hide it, and ignore the fact that I'm a corrupt weirdo."
Quote from: SadieBlake on September 01, 2016, 01:06:57 PM
I would add that my initial motivation for SRS was desire to experience vaginal sex. I'd learned that I enjoyed being penetrated anally and could orgasm from that alone **iff the stars aligned exactly right**. Doing anal well involves so much work, active penetration (as compared to using a plug) requires enema and tons of lube, foreplay as well as a partner who really knows what they're doing and making all that happen is great and sometimes I just really rather be able to do a quickie or whatever.
So yes tho my sex drive is greatly reduced, I'm also 100% wanting to reclaim it in a female body.
Oho! I think I sympathize. That sounds nice to try. Hehe.
Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on September 01, 2016, 03:49:41 PM
Well to me you look like Simmons from Agents of Shield, which is to say you pass just fine. I imagine you with a British accent too given the Dr Who thing, hope I'm not wrong!
I had to look her up, and she is super pretty!!! :o Oh my gosh, no way I look like that, but thank you! ^_^ And I am indeed a huge whovian (I'd love to look like Amy Pond) but sadly no british accent. :/ From Chicago. Haha
Me too ......with the imagery
Same guilt feelings same fascination
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on August 31, 2016, 07:44:14 PM
Oh, thank you, Robyn. :) I am glad you came to a comfortable position. But do you think the fact that my sex drive was so largely based on gender transformation and stuff like that that I should be worried? D:
I would not be worried at all as everyone says here. Sometimes we deal with the major stresses in life through our sexuality, so it makes perfect sense. You are a beautiful young lady and i'm sure you have an awesome romantic and sexual life ahead of you.
So I asked a totally unbiased third party -- my wife -- if you look like Jemma Simmons and she said you definitely do. She also asked if you need a cuddle. :angel:
You know, I was thinking of making a topic about this, seeing as I've been a bit sex-crazy ever since I embraced the fact that I am not male and started shaving my legs and doing things to try and feminize my body...
Before I did that, I was maybe able to "do stuff" once every day or so, but now, I'm pretty much jumping on all of my boy/girl friends round the clock like "hey, wanna screw me?" My thought is that what's been keeping my libido down all these years is a form of dysphoria, and feeling like I'm actually sexy on some level is making sex way more fun than when I used to go through the motions of pretending I was a pansexual cis-male. (well, aside from "being on the giving end" with a male) Fortunately, all of my partners have been pretty on board with this: I was open with them about the non-male thing from the beginning, so it's not a complete shock that I've transitioned in the bedroom. I'm just so much more comfortable about it all, and it's just so much more fun to be able to fully embrace it outside of my head.
TLDR: I think the sex thing is related to a lessening of unsexy dysphoria when you're doing effeminate things.
Wonderful thread, thank you :) I thought about this a ton before starting on HRT 10 months ago, and am relieved to know that so many have had similar thoughts. I've had so many similar thoughts and feelings. I knew in my heart that I really did want to transition, but on some level, I think there was a worry or concern to discuss the sexual side (aside from the typical T related drive), as it might somehow disqualify the thoughts about transitioning.
Crossdressing felt necessary with dysphoria, but it also felt sexual. The best way I can explain it is:
If I had all day to be dressed, there was no sexual urgency about it, it just felt comfortable. If I only had an hour or two ... it became sexual, likely as a way of heightening the experience and satisfaction of dressing, knowing it was only for a short while.
Since HRT ... that's subsided almost entirely. I still have urges and whatnot, but its rarely tied to dressing. Dressing is just ... putting clothes on.
This has actually been quite the issue for me recently. My sex drive is ridiculously hyperactive (as is to be expected from an 18 year old) and I tend to get turned on by things I don't even see as sexual in nature, like changing into more feminine clothing. It has seriously been bothering me for a while. I'm glad to see that it's not just me.
Did you have dysphoria before sex ruined it all ?