Hey, guys.
I'm a 27 year old, female born of an overall uncertain gender.
I really hope what I say doesn't come across as offensive to the transgender community. My social abilities kind of suck in general, but chances are, if I say something bad, I'd rather be corrected gently than be seen as someone who wants to harm people (which I don't). I'm autistic, and I feel this is part of the learning process (being corrected gently).
I sort of identify as female socially...sort of. Yet my physical body feels very wrong. I feel like I should be male physically, male genitalia and all, but I also don't like "he" pronouns. I prefer "she". I guess I sort of feel like a guy, but also I want to dress and present as female. The very best description I can give, with what little I know, is that I would be happiest as a drag queen in the spotlight, but outside of the spotlight, I don't need to be glamorous, but I do still need to dress feminine, and considered feminine. There have been times I've considered transition, but I have no idea how to tell a gender therapist or a doctor all this stuff without worrying that I'll be laughed at or not taken seriously. I'm also TERRIFIED that I'll be discriminated against. If I end up clearly being a male who is clearly dressed as a female, what happens then? I'm not as strong as some people, and WAY too sensitive for my own good. So many TG people are discriminated against, still, and I may not handle it as well as some people do. I've tried to weigh the possibilities... To transition? Not to transition? I know I need to do what makes me happy, and what would make me happy is being physically a guy who presents as female and uses female pronouns. I just don't know if there's a term for that at all.
Aside from the fact that transitioning has a lot of money costs...costs that I can't yet pay due to gynecological problems that literally keep me from working (I've had my period and debilitating pain for 10 months straight, non-stop, and doctors don't yet know why exactly it's so persistent, aside from PCOS and god knows what else...sorry for the TMI), and psychological issues, like bipolar, autism and SEVERE anxiety, that make it very difficult to work right now. So on top of feeling useless and broken in so many ways (I'm probably infertile and I can't work right now) I'm also living in a body I don't really like. Mostly, I do kind of want to go through with transitioning, but I feel like I can't tell my parents, even if I could eventually pay. I struggled so much in the past with gender identity. First I thought I was just regular FTM, then maybe androgyne, then maybe just a girl...but none of that was exactly it. Some were closer than others. Now, when I presented as very male when I was 18, and trying to find who I was, I was also struggling with meds and with my bipolar disorder, which I'm struggling with less now. Yet, even though I'm fine now and on the right meds, every time I tell my family anything, or try to tell them anything about possible transition, they say, "Well, we'll love you either way...but are you sure you're not manic?" It's just really upsetting having my gender identity be "mental illness" in my mom and aunt's minds.
I don't know what to do. I actually went as far as messaging a transgender YouTuber because I didn't know who to talk to, and was too frightened for a while to actually post anywhere. Not long after, I did post this (as I am now), but I will say I'm still really, really scared. I don't want to be seen as a troll, or someone who is mocking, because I am NONE of those things. I just need help.
Hi GlassUnicorn
Welcome to Susan's you are among friends here. All this stuff can be pretty stressful to talk about. The urgency we feel to get the answers we want can push us pretty darn hard. It is really tough to make the decision about transition. For me it was a very difficult decision but one in the end that I already knew the answer too and had already made my mind up about.
There are no hard and fast rules about how you have to identify or finding a label. Gender is a spectrum and you fit somewhere on it. I am sure there will be others here who can relate to how you are feeling. This is a safe and friendly environment and I hope you enjoy your time here.
Below is a link to some useful information we give to all new members. This will help you as to how to get the best out of your experience at Susan's
Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
Liz
Thank you for the warm welcome, Elizabeth!
Your kind reply is a relief. I was worried I wouldn't be taken seriously or bashed. Thank you for taking me seriously. :)
You are welcome and I hope we can help with your journey
Hugs
Liz
Welcome, GlassUnicorn.
My situation is somewhat similar to yours: I'm a born-female on the autism spectrum and experience anxiety and depression. It can be really challenging to manage mental health and gender identity issues at the same time. When I first came out to my parents, at first they had a hard time understanding that it was more than being obsessive about yet another topic.
I relate to your confusion over how exactly you identify. Physically, I feel pretty similar to you. I prefer being seen as a man by other people, but I still love some women's clothes. Personally, I call myself transmasculine genderqueer. If you can find a label that you feel fits how you see yourself, that's cool. But if not, that's totally fine too.
A therapist can be a great start to help you work out how you feel. I've been lucky to find a therapist with whom I've been able to talk about gender and mental health, and it's really helped me. Take your time and present it however you feel comfortable; I made an acrostic of my name with my personal characteristics to help describe myself on my first visit! If you find that you aren't clicking with the therapist, it's okay to keep looking.
Coming here and posting is another good step. There are tons of us here, and although we're all unique, I find all the time little snippets of things that I have in common with other members. It can really help you feel less alone.
Good luck on your journey of self-discover. :)
Thank you for the advice, Vanderpn!
Yes, I can definitely relate to your situation, just as you can relate to mine.
I have considered looking for a gender therapist, although I'm not sure where to look.
Welcome Aboard GlassUnicorn!
While I identify on the feminine side of the spectrum and am transition that direction, I can relate to many aspects that are gender fluid or genderqueer. You will find that a lot of us do. The way I present is usually androgynous, leaning towards feminine...but that is mostly how I act and not really what I wear or do in terms of makeup.
I learned a while back that I just really want to be me and to be the way I wish. It took me a while to get to the point that I felt enough room to transition fully, so spent many years (a few decades) floating in the middle. While there, I discovered some cool things that I will likely enjoy about gender fluidity along the way.
The main thing, be yourself and know that you are not alone at all!
Dear GlassUnicorn,
My situation is different than yours and I might not be the best person to give you advise. I do hear your fear and I can very much relate to that. When I first started facing my issues, I was terrified. It is also tough being extremely sensitive. Your situation is every bit as valid as anyone else's. If anyone were to criticize you for being honest, telling your story, well then they are the one with the problem, not you. I hope you find this to be a safe place to share and learn. I have. My name is Monica. Welcome!
Thank you all so much for the amazingly accepting, encouraging and kind words, as well as the welcomes. I'm feeling much more comfortable here now. :)
Hello GlassUnicorn
The people on this site are the most carving people I have met. I am still a bit of a yo-yo but they are helping me and a lot of other people lots.
Hi GlassUnicorn,
Welcome home. We can't do a lot to help, we may advise, but we do support and encouragement in a big way :)
Sno.
Thanks for the welcomes, everyone! :)
Hi Glass Unicorn :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Thank you, V M! :)
Quote from: GlassUnicorn on October 03, 2016, 03:39:52 PM
Thank you for the warm welcome, Elizabeth!
Your kind reply is a relief. I was worried I wouldn't be taken seriously or bashed. Thank you for taking me seriously. :)
Welcome to Susan's Place. If you are ever mistreated on this site, hit the report to moderator button on the right bottom corner of the post and explain your concerns. Bashing or not being inclusive is a violation of TOS 9 or 10 and a moderator will take what ever action is required to correct the situation.
People early in the exploration process often have thoughts that are not clear at the time leading to confusion. Even after they have time to work it out, they may discover that they don't fit under a "standard label" but they are still transgender and as such, they belong here. I hope you enjoy your stay.
Thank you, Dena.
I'll keep the report button in mind, should I ever need to use it.
I actually started semi-exploring when I was 18, but I was very black and white in my thinking back then. I'm only now learning to expand my labels and definitions. I'm seeing that there's a lot more to being trans than meets the eye.
if a Therapist EVER laughs at your story. Get up and walk out. They are not a Therapist but a clock watcher.
mmm ive been seeing the term genderqueer in this thread a lot but there's also a different term that you might like to use (one i use myself), which is non-binary (as in, neither or at least not completely of the binary genders)
its a bit more of a general and umbrella term for those of us that aren't either a boy or a girl
Hi Glass Unicorn and welcome to Susan's.
:)
Thanks for the helpful words, Dawn. It's just a worry I have, I suppose, even though obviously no professional would do such a thing.
Quote from: genderlessjolyne on October 07, 2016, 08:58:07 PM
mmm ive been seeing the term genderqueer in this thread a lot but there's also a different term that you might like to use (one i use myself), which is non-binary (as in, neither or at least not completely of the binary genders)
its a bit more of a general and umbrella term for those of us that aren't either a boy or a girl
The problem with calling myself neither is that neither also doesn't feel right. For example, my body is somewhat in between in some ways, even though I'm not intersex, since I have PCOS, and I dislike the feeling of being truly in between. It feels wrong to me. It's as if I'm binary in two different ways that don't necessarily match. I have definite dysphoria for a male body, but dislike being called "he", dislike being called "they", but like to be called "she".
Thanks for the welcome, Gennee!
Quote from: GlassUnicorn on October 10, 2016, 01:49:00 AM
The problem with calling myself neither is that neither also doesn't feel right. For example, my body is somewhat in between in some ways, even though I'm not intersex, since I have PCOS, and I dislike the feeling of being truly in between. It feels wrong to me. It's as if I'm binary in two different ways that don't necessarily match. I have definite dysphoria for a male body, but dislike being called "he", dislike being called "they", but like to be called "she".
you could just be a guy who uses she/her, y?
gender is your oyster, pal, you're totally allowed to cherry pick how you express gender