Hello everyone! This is a touchy topic, but I really need some feedback. Quick introdution! Meria, 25 years, music teacher. I had my identity documents changed 8 years ago, and 3 years ago I had my reasignment surgery.
It's been a long time since I last posted here. Everything is going wonderful... So wonderful that someone who said one and a million times that she would never get married... Is actually considering it after meeting the right person.
I met him two years ago, and things could not be better. I'm going through the best time of my life, but as it has always been, there are complications. He's been talking a lot about us going to Sweden, his country, to begin a new life... And marriage has been mentioned a few times, something I can't help but to consider now. I wouldn't love anything else more than leaving this place behind and starting a whole fresh, new life, it's all I've ever wanted.
Now here comes the touchy part; not him, nor his family, have any idea of my past. I transitioned as a teenager, I didn't have more than two friends back then, we moved a lot and I didn't mingle with people, which has made things easier for me to not be recognized. I pass really well, hell, so well not even most of the people I know are aware with a few exceptions, those being my closest relatives, who are very supportive and discrete about it. As far as I'm concearned, I suffered a lot for this already, it's been a long time since the last time I've cried or spoken about this matter, and as time goes by, I'm happier and happier, living the life I wanted. I know this is an edgy topic, but my perspective on it is burying the past, and so far, I've been nothing but successful and content with the results.
But I couldn't help but to worry, like I haven't done for the past three years, about that buried secret being discovered, because I'm not aware of how the laws of marriage and immigration work. The thought of a big red asterisk next to my name scares me. Is it possible, that during the process of those things, the information would be brought up?
Thank you so much for reading, I'd appreciate your thoughts.
Wouldn't he find your hormones though? At some point in a marriage? ???
I understand that you are facing a tough dilemma. On the one hand, you are enjoying living in stealth mode. On the other hand ... well, you probably wouldn't be asking the question unless you thought that telling him might be the right thing to do.
I am not likely to face your situation, since I was already married before I understood that I was trans. But this is not something that I could imaging keeping from a prospective spouse. You want your spouse to be your ally in all things. How can he be your ally if he doesn't know?
Though your past is buried right now, you have one, and it could resurface. Suppose something or someone from your past turns up and your transition is exposed - what then? Your husband would most likely feel betrayed.
Telling those we love about our true nature is risky. I hesitated for months before coming out to my wife. I feared that she would leave me. She surprised me (though I should not really have been surprised) my becoming my biggest supporter. The risk was worth it in my case.
First, I wish to establish this is absolutely your decision, and one I do not envy you.
My personal opinion is that even though you live stealth, your experiences are still part of your past and personal history. I would, myself, be hesitant about marrying someone I did not feel I could trust with my history as well as my heart. It is a terrifying step to tell someone you've been involved with for so long that there is something major you haven't shared, but I would ask, what would happen if you chose not to tell him, and he later found out from other sources?
I feel very strongly that a long-term relationship, and particularly one formal such as a handfasting or legal marriage, should be established on mutual trust. I would dearly hope that your hopeful fiance would be someone you could trust with ANYTHING. I personally have trouble imagining not sharing my own history with my fiancee, although since she is a trans woman herself and I am on the trans* spectrum as well, it is a somewhat different situation.
My best wishes to you both, regardless of whether or not you choose to tell him. I truly hope you find all the happiness in the world with your beloved partner. *hugs and cookies offered*
I agree. This is not a transgender issue at this point. You owe it to yourself and your fiancee to be entirely forthright on the issue of your transition. At some point it will become known. Even if decades later over something such as a medical incident when it becomes unavoidable to disclose the medical history.
There must be hundreds of threads on this site discussion if and when to disclose gender transition when meeting or dating a potential intimate partner. This is NOT the same question. Marriage is a solemn commitment based on complete trust.
Thank you all for your replies, it is not that I don't trust him. He has showed himself to be very open about people, and he's the kindest person I've ever met.
I'm the one who's not ready. I just don't feel ready to be open about it with anyone. Even with a soulmate, I still feel like everyone has the right to keep him o her privacy, I never asked anyone for their personal secrets. If I'm supposed to be true to myself, well, this is being true to myself to me, because I don't feel it any other way, if that makes sense to you.
What does he think of the specific issue of gender identity?
First thing you need him to be aware of: does he know that you are infertile? This is a HUGE issue for some guys, because they want children. Tell him you were born without a functioning uterus or ovaries and that you take pills for hormones. If he accepts that sort of thing, that should be more important than the transgender stuff on a rational level.
As Vervain pointed out, this is a decision only you can make. All we can do is offer what if's.
One thing that is a common theme when someone comes out as trans to a spouse after marriage is the spouse saying they feel betrayed. Many times that feeling is caused by what spouses say is a lack of trust, that the person they married didn't trust them enough to reveal this secret. Yes, we all know that coming out to someone we love is one of the hardest things we can possibly do, simply because we fear rejection. But that feeling of betrayal is even worse when it is discovered by accident.
So all that being said, what happens in 10-20-30 years when the secret comes out? How is he going to feel knowing you weren't honest with him? Sure you may be lucky and sail through the next 50 years and it never be known but the chances are it will be. What happens when you have an abdominal MRI or CT and the doctor asks when your surgery was in front of him? Or some similar revelation? I understand what you are saying about you aren't ready to open up. But if there is one thing I have learned in over 46 years of being married, it's that honesty is of paramount importance to a marriage. This may be hard to hear but you really need to ask yourself, if you aren't ready to open up to him, are you really ready to be married to him?
But again, the final decision is yours and you have to be ready for any consequences.
If an asterisk is all that stands between you and a life of happiness. Remember everyone you meet has made their decision on how they want to live. What is wrong with you making yours? That's why acceptance is more important than passing.
I've been married twice. Once for three years and once for 35. Which one do you think I told about my sexual confusion at the beginning of our relationship?
Hi Meria,
I for one share your philosophy -- this is entirely up to you, and you get to live your life exactly the way you want, in accordance to your truth. Bravo, and congratulations! The only thing I think you'd be obliged to let him know is that you're infertile, because marriage often comes with the expectation of having kids. Otherwise, let the past stay in the past, just let it go and live in the here and now.
As to your actual question -- I'm assuming that by having your documents in order, you're including a passport. Apparently, this and your marriage certificate would be the only documents you'd need to get a residency permit (https://www.migrationsverket.se/English/Private-individuals/Moving-to-someone-in-Sweden/Spouse-registered-partner-or-common-law-spouse/How-to-apply.html#Knapp) in Sweden. After three years, you can become a naturalized citizen. There's even an online application here you could play around with to see what they want to know.
The big question to figure out is determining what would come up on your background check. Depending on the specifics of your transition (such as what country you did it in, particularly the US), the name change is most likely. However, as far as I know, such aliases typically don't appear on your current state documents, wherever you are. Sweden uses Lifos as their "country of origin" database, so I'd definitely look into that. When you're ready to naturalize, there's an "interview" with someone at the state department -- you might want to do that on your own, if at all possible.
Even if your changes came up, it would not invalidate your marriage, given Sweden's extremely progressive stance on LGBT rights (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Sweden).
Finally, if you future husband does find out, it won't be because you asked for it. I know another woman who was in a similar situation as yours, and the husband found out by accident, but it became a non-issue because of how she handled it -- this was a psychologically difficult thing to go through, she's 100% assured in her own womanhood and doesn't consider herself anything else but, she insists on complete discretion, and doesn't really want to bring it up ever again (though she did give him a week to ask questions). They are still happily together years later. As you know, if someone truly loves you (like your close family members) they will follow your lead.
Best of luck to you, and stay true to your true self!
Quote from: Meria on October 24, 2016, 11:07:09 PM
But I couldn't help but to worry, like I haven't done for the past three years, about that buried secret being discovered, because I'm not aware of how the laws of marriage and immigration work.
The information may come out unexpectedly and as others mentioned that if a spouse finds out from someone else or by chance the reaction is likely to be negative because of feelings of betrayal/ lack of trust, if nothing else.
If that possibility does not affect you, then with luck maybe it could work for you... But if that possibility hanging over your head bothers you, could you live like that of the rest of your life without it affecting you and the relationship negatively in the long term?
While it is a personal decision only you can make for yourself, my belief is that not disclosing before marriage is unwise. If one thinks a spouse might have an issue with it and one does not tell, what is the relationship really based on? IMO marriage is the ONLY time that it IS someone else's business...
I know the situation is unfair, but unfortunately it is one of the many unfair things that people born transsexual have to deal with.
- Karen
Yes, you should DEFINITELY tell him before you get married. If he's not understanding, he's not the one.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 25, 2016, 11:56:12 PM
Yes, you should DEFINITELY tell him before you get married. If he's not understanding, he's not the one.
If he's not understanding, he shouldn't be told in the first place. If he's truly understanding, he wouldn't need to be told.
Look, it's a Catch-22.
In the end, as always, it has to come down to your personal truth. If you're "female," and you're being gendered female, then coming out is asking someone to treat you differently, and as far as I'm concerned that typically contradicts what's needed to treat gender dysphoria. However, if your truth is oriented around being "trans," then you absolutely need to come out, or that aspect of yourself won't get recognized.
Marriage has nothing to do with it. And let's not romanticize this -- most relationships do not last forever. Marriages are just as likely to end in divorce as in "death do us part," and if this one ends in divorce then the narrative disclosure will surely become quite the issue, and there's no guarantee the ex-spouse won't spread the story far and wide.
I think Meria made it pretty clear that she wasn't looking for reasons to change her practice of non-disclosure. She was looking for feedback on how to maintain this practice given the bureaucracy of marriage and immigration. There wouldn't be an issue for marriage, actually -- there are no background checks. There might be for immigration, depending on the extent of Sweden's policies, and what's in their database. Even then, it wouldn't be an issue until naturalization, three years down the line after residency. At which point Meria would have a much better idea of how the marriage is going. And even if/when she naturalizes, there's a good chance the information would be compartmentalized. Sweden is perhaps the most progressive country in the world.
Personally I believe if two people can't be honest about this topic, and deal with it together, that's not a good foundation for a life together. I mean if you don't feel comfortable telling this person you want to be with for life about who you are, and what your worries are entering a new country and all that paperwork, that indicates issues either with yourself or with him.
Sure, everyone has a right to forget their past and not bring it up again, but marriage and relationships aren't just about what one person wants. You should be in a relationship with someone who is supportive and understanding. If he finds out later and throws a wobbler over it, and of your keeping it from him, this could be ten times more for devastating for you. You might find yourself alone in a strange country with no support.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on October 26, 2016, 07:42:48 AMI think Meria made it pretty clear that she wasn't looking for reasons to change her practice of non-disclosure.
I'm saying that, in this case, that is a bad policy. The last thing you want is to be several years into a marriage and he finds out you've been actively hiding this from him. Yes, in a perfect world, it would not matter, but you don't want to risk that being an issue. I can tell you that if I was him, 3 years from now, and I found out that my spouse had actively hid something like that from me, I would be pretty upset that they refused to be honest.
QuoteIf he's not understanding, he shouldn't be told in the first place. If he's truly understanding, he wouldn't need to be told.
Look, it's a Catch-22.
I don't think it is. Telling people isn't about personal truths, but about personal safety. If you detect a hint of transphobia, you break off the relationship without telling him. You have to test the water at this point. Can't just dive in.
If he's a trans ally, it's so much better to hear it from you, where you can control how it's done and minimize risk, in a loving way, instead of from someone or something else years down the road, who won't be kind in their delivery.
Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 26, 2016, 10:01:37 AM
I'm saying that, in this case, that is a bad policy. The last thing you want is to be several years into a marriage and he finds out you've been actively hiding this from him. Yes, in a perfect world, it would not matter, but you don't want to risk that being an issue. I can tell you that if I was him, 3 years from now, and I found out that my spouse had actively hid something like that from me, I would be pretty upset that they refused to be honest.
The last thing I'd want is to be in a marriage (or any kind of emotionally intimate relationship, for that matter) where he knew at all, let alone one where I lacked the confidence to stay true to my own convictions.
And if it ever were to come to light, and he reacted like you are saying you would, and he didn't toe the line exactly as I would lay it down, the relationship would be over
on my part. No, he'd have to be the sort of person that would understand and sympathize perfectly with my position. But that would only happen honestly provided I stayed righteously true to my position in the first place.
Now, Meria might have a completely different take, and that's completely fine. I'll happily support whatever she wants to do -- after all, it's her life. But as it's currently laid out, in Meria's particular situation, I think it's highly unlikely her beau would ever know unless she told him. Her family won't say, there isn't anyone else in her life who'd dredge up the past, and Swedish immigration is only going to be looking for a criminal record, not a name change from when she was a teenager. The idea he'd find out is the stuff of paranoia, or a scripted drama.
She isn't hiding anything. She's pretty much
let it go. I think it's the healthiest choice, if it's available. More power to her.
Again, it all depends on your personal truth. And no one else ever gets a say in that.
But isn't a transwoman by default having a say in a partner's personal truth if she doesn't tell?
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 25, 2016, 11:56:12 PM
Yes, you should DEFINITELY tell him before you get married. If he's not understanding, he's not the one.
Well that was the way I felt, when I was dating my fiancé things were going so well I hadn't the need to tell him, then marriage kept getting mentioned, I constantly worried and anxious about telling him, I just felt it was better coming from me than maybe later finding out from some other source, when he proposed marriage I built up the courage and told him over a dinner date, hardest thing I've had to do, his first reaction was shock and surprise, but he was understanding and supportive, we did eventually get married and is now my husband for the past 6 years.
It's your decision Meria, but I'm glad I told him, I never have to worry about it again and he never mentions it, infact these days being a typical husband he is probably more conscious of my cooking and housekeeping skills, my history is not an issue anymore, we're just a ordinary husband and wife, getting on with normal boring life.
Quote from: JMJW on October 26, 2016, 04:52:36 PM
But isn't a transwoman by default having a say in a partner's personal truth if she doesn't tell?
My identity as a woman has nothing to do with the truth of anyone else's personal identity. Well, except perhaps if I'd had biological kids. But I didn't.
If anything, I'd think that coming out as "trans" in this context would be
trying to have a say in someone else's personal truth, because that could be construed as queering someone else's sexuality, assuming that "trans" is a queer socially constructed identity, which I think it is.
While there are no hard numbers on this, anecdotally, the vast majority of cis men don't consider transwomen for long term relationships. So if his personal truth is he doesn't want to consider trans, which is potentially true, if not likely, engaging in a long term romance/sexual relationship without telling him, would be dictating his personal truth.
Quote from: JMJW on October 26, 2016, 09:38:16 PM
While there are no hard numbers on this, anecdotally, the vast majority of cis men don't consider transwomen for long term relationships. So if his personal truth is he doesn't want to consider trans, which is potentially true, if not likely, engaging in a long term romance/sexual relationship without telling him, would be dictating his personal truth.
You're assuming that Meria's personal truth is that she's still trans, or ever really was. None of us can make that call for her.
And again, who you think you want to date, categorically, isn't what I'd call a personal truth; from what Meria's said, he doesn't sound like a bigot. And if I grant this hypothetical as a legitimate identity, if bigotry is his personal truth then
he is the one who's lying for pretending he's not a bigot. And whether Meria dredges up the past or not probably wouldn't change that.
Quote from: Steph Eigen on October 25, 2016, 12:05:54 PM
There must be hundreds of threads on this site discussion if and when to disclose gender transition when meeting or dating a potential intimate partner. This is NOT the same question. Marriage is a solemn commitment based on complete trust.
Millions of threads on a support site would not make up truth. And marriage is in my mind whatever the betrothed individuals make of it, not what anyone else thinks.
In fact not so long ago the only way people were allowed to transition explicitly required severing all ties, moving and living forever as female, erasing all traces of one's past. While Medical history is by law private and probably better protected in Sweden than most places.
Meria, I think you simply need to do what you must. You are female and there are plenty of post op women who choose to keep their past in the past and do so successfully.
As to how to protect your privacy, I can't especially help but I would say get in contact with the US state department and the nearest Swedish embassy and ask them if anything in the immigration / naturalization process would out you.
Best luck and best wishes
You know, the idea that it was just a medical complication when you were younger is kind of making sense to me as a reason... I don't know how long you're going to be able to keep the secret from him of what those medical issues were, but you really should tell him things like that you are infertile, because that kind of IS his business...
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 27, 2016, 08:00:28 AM
You know, the idea that it was just a medical complication when you were younger is kind of making sense to me as a reason... I don't know how long you're going to be able to keep the secret from him of what those medical issues were, but you really should tell him things like that you are infertile, because that kind of IS his business...
Exactly. She's always been female, she just had some medical complications that came to a head during puberty.
And it doesn't have to be terribly explicit -- "My doctors told me I'm infertile, and there's nothing that can be done about it. It's something I really don't like to talk about." And then go on to say whether she'd still like kids and would be happy to adopt, or if she'd prefer to remain childless, or if she just hasn't decided yet (after all, she's still quite young).
And if the issue is pressed, you can say, "My ovaries failed to develop, and why are you being so horrible about this? What part of 'I don't like to talk about this' did you fail to understand?"
Given what Meria has told us, I think she can have a very reasonable expectation that no one should ever --
ever -- find out the details of her medical history.
Quote from: Meria on October 25, 2016, 12:41:54 PM
Thank you all for your replies, it is not that I don't trust him. He has showed himself to be very open about people, and he's the kindest person I've ever met.
I'm the one who's not ready. I just don't feel ready to be open about it with anyone. Even with a soulmate, I still feel like everyone has the right to keep him o her privacy, I never asked anyone for their personal secrets. If I'm supposed to be true to myself, well, this is being true to myself to me, because I don't feel it any other way, if that makes sense to you.
I think the point that many are trying to make isn't so much about
now, but the future. How likely do you think your relationship is likely to last? I ask this because I knew when my ex-partner and I got engaged -- and we discussed this -- that we have a fundamental incompatibility that was likely to cause issues in the future. Mainly, they
hate change, of any kind, and I am a person for who growth, rebirth, and meaningful change is intrinsic. I told them at the time, I suspected we'd have about ten years, and then we'd go our ways. It was technically 9.5. Close enough.
If you have these feelings about your relationship, then maybe it makes sense not to say anything. If you think -- and I do mean
think, not hope, not want, but actually looking at the two of you, how you communicate, what values are important to you, all that sort of thing -- that this is something that may be a very long term or lifetime relationship... then I have a story I have been given permission to share when I feel it could be of help.
TW: Rape. (I do not know the TW policy here, but safe rather than sorry.)
My mother was drugged and date-raped by the friend who was also her lawyer in the divorce between her and her ex. She and my father were dating at the time. She was afraid of how he would react, and more, she was afraid of telling for herself. As far as she was concerned, it was another horrible thing in a very long list of traumas that were far, far worse. I won't go into more detail, but I will say that what my maternal grandmother did to her children would be without question categorized as war crimes if done in a war zone.
So, Mom decided to keep it secret. And she did. For 17yrs.
And then... she just couldn't keep it secret anymore. It was eating her up too much, because she and my father had been together nearly two decades. She loved him. She had two children she was raising with him. Surely he couldn't react
that badly?
Oh, why, yes he did. To say that my father is a victim-blaming rape apologist would be too kind. When Mom and I have talked about it, she has said the biggest regret in her
life is telling him. Yes, I know it's messed up that the regret isn't
marrying him, but ... well, that's another story.
Now, your beloved, from everything you say, is not a complete d-bag like my father. So I would hope he would not react in an abusive fashion. But, you don't have to be abusive to have a negative reaction. Part of my father's reaction was because it was
seventeen years before she said anything. I don't think he'd have reacted well in the first place, but it didn't help, because it added feelings of betrayal and distrust into the mix.
So I think my question to you at this point would be: Where do you see yourself in ten, twenty years? If you still see yourself with this person, do you think -- and please, think hard about this -- that you would want to tell him in the future? If so, are you prepared for that he may not have an issue with your history at all, but that not telling for a long time would cause issues in your relationship?
I think that's really something you need to ask yourself if you're okay with. If so, it is absolutely your call. We can't tell you what to do, only offer advice, suggestions, experiences. Again, I wish you all the very best and *hugs* because this can't be any easy decision for anyone.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 27, 2016, 08:00:28 AM
you really should tell him things like that you are infertile, because that kind of IS his business...
I differ on this also. Children may be a common social expectation, however the bearing of children is entirely the woman's choice. The male partner at this point in time in most of the west has rights once he's acknowledged by the law as a parent and up until that time it's entirely her business.
We may be splitting hairs over the OP's thread here but it really is her choice.
I've held secrets in relationship both by intent and by not having perfect self knowledge (can't be forthcoming about things you don't actually know). I've also lived with partners who had stronger senses of privacy than I do. Privacy within relationship is not a deal breaker and could be considered a sign of good boundaries.
Quote from: SadieBlake on October 27, 2016, 04:41:42 PM
I differ on this also. Children may be a common social expectation, however the bearing of children is entirely the woman's choice. The male partner at this point in time in most of the west has rights once he's acknowledged by the law as a parent and up until that time it's entirely her business.
We may be splitting hairs over the OP's thread here but it really is her choice.
I've held secrets in relationship both by intent and by not having perfect self knowledge (can't be forthcoming about things you don't actually know). I've also lived with partners who had stronger senses of privacy than I do. Privacy within relationship is not a deal breaker and could be considered a sign of good boundaries.
I like all this -- and so I'm changing my mind as far as this goes.
Okay, it's
his responsibility to say he wants kids, first and foremost. We're not mind-readers, we can't know what someone else wants. And she can say she doesn't want to bear children. Or, more unequivocably, that she
won't bear children.
I'd be surprised, though, if this isn't a conversation that comes up before marriage. I mean, it's something people talk about, in general, as part of planning a life together.
Where does that kind of thinking end?
If he asks about kids the way most people do, "Do you want kids?" And she responds "Yes", and then years down the road, do you turn around and say "You just asked if I wanted kids. You didn't ask if I was biologically capable of producing my own". I'm not a mind reader!
So some medical emergency happens to the OP, the doctor asks the husband if she's on any medication, he says no, the doctor operates, and that's it. You're dead. Blood clot.
Just one scenario.
But I'll say this. Just because a man is kind in general, doesn't mean he should be assumed to be kind on this particular issue. People aren't always consistent in character.
Quote from: JMJW on October 28, 2016, 06:58:25 AM
Where does that kind of thinking end?
If he asks about kids the way most people do, "Do you want kids?" And she responds "Yes", and then years down the road, do you turn around and say "You just asked if I wanted kids. You didn't ask if I was biologically capable of producing my own". I'm not a mind reader!
You're kind of bending the scenario. If he asks "Do you want kids?"
now, before marriage, I think it's same to assume he's thinking of making his own, with her. She can honestly say, "No" or "I don't know" without getting into any medical issues. If she
does want kids, that might be the time to say she's infertile.
What we can't be "mind readers" about is anticipating questions that have yet to be asked.
QuoteSo some medical emergency happens to the OP, the doctor asks the husband if she's on any medication, he says no, the doctor operates, and that's it. You're dead. Blood clot.
If her serum levels of estradiol are normal, this is no more likely than for any other woman. I'd call this scenario a case of fear-mongering.
What I find so very surprising, though, not just in this thread or on this board, but throughout so much of the community, is the fear of simply being female (or male). As if this truth isn't true, or isn't deserved, or isn't attainable. What is it about finally letting go that's so terrifying?
Quote
What we can't be "mind readers" about is anticipating questions that have yet to be asked.
I think the mind reading point only works if it's a difficult or unusual question to anticipate.
I don't see how the question of kids could count as difficult or unusual.
I agree that he would be remiss in not asking, but the response of "I don't know" is dishonest. If the question is being understood as making his own kids with her, then of course she does know.
QuoteIf her serum levels of estradiol are normal, this is no more likely than for any other woman. I'd call this scenario a case of fear-mongering.
Not sure why you think I'd want to fear monger, but no, it is more likely.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=73662.0
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14670164
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2775642/
Such research is done on older women, comparing women with low-serum estrogens (they aren't making any more themselves) to women who are getting hormone therapy. Furthermore, there's a strong correlation with thromembolic events in older women who are overweight or obese.
There aren't studies on young women, because very few young women need HT in the first place, and the comparison to other young women with normal serum levels would predictably have negligible results. Of course having more estrogen in your system leads to more clotting events -- E levels skyrocket in pregnancy precisely for this reason, to prevent bleeding to death in childbirth.
And all this said, the overall risk is still minimal -- the vast majority of older heavy women taking HT aren't going to throw a clot.
Meria is young. What's important is to stay fit.
Quote from: JMJW on October 28, 2016, 06:58:25 AMBut I'll say this. Just because a man is kind in general, doesn't mean he should be assumed to be kind on this particular issue. People aren't always consistent in character.
Yet another reason not to disclose -- disclosure guarantees 100% the opening of your narrative, and if he's not kind then the consequences are not good.
Nondisclosure necessarily reduces that percentage -- and in Meria's case, I'd say the odds are greatly in her favor that her narrative stays closed forever.
Again, I'm really surprised that there's such pushback against someone's legitimate choice!
The study I linked to mentioned oral contraceptives. So pre menopausal women.
The bottom line is it depends if it's orally administered. if it is by pills, the risk is 2-4x as high because of the liver's first pass effect.
If she's pinning or taking patches that risk is alot better, but they can leave marks on the body. Which he could potentially find.
QuoteI'd say the odds are greatly in her favor that her narrative stays closed forever.
I've seen other conversations on this issue, and the guy always gets underestimated.
The idea that was mentioned earlier, that he'll ask about kids, she'll say she can't have any, and that she doesn't want to talk about it, and that he will let that go. I think he will probably want to know what's going on and ask that she get examined to see if anything can be done. If she refuses to take him along - her husband- or otherwise shuts him out in some way, do you think he won't figure something's up?
If he mentions it to his guy friends, the odds are really so against one of them saying maybe she's trans?
In Sweden?!
One thing I greatly underestimated in my serious relationships was the sexual aspect for the other person. I didn't feel it in the same way, and I assumed they didn't think it was highly important, i.e. that they would care more about the person than the gender or the sex.
Turns out not to have been the case, gender was very important to the two cis males I have been in long-term serious relationships with. Not more important than the person but AS important.
Just as other people probably shouldn't presume about us, we should not presume about them and what they want. Some men really do want kids, and to be able to have them with the person they're going to spend their life with. If that hadn't been discussed by the OP as yet, I'd hope she would do so with her partner before going any further. I didn't realize just how much sex and kids can be important to some people, the same could happen to anyone here if they do not disclose the fact they can't have kids, etc.
A person has full power over how they choose to express themselves and their "truth", but I'm fairly sure most cis men would not appreciate this idea that not having told them one was trans meant one wasn't 'queering' their reality. They're only going to care that you either did or did not tell them, and what that says about the level of trust involved.
Maybe it's just me but I would prefer an acceptance of my situation rather than needing to keep it a buried secret; just from a peace of mind standpoint. Otherwise the idea of it possibly being discovered would constantly hang over my head.
Hello everyone. I've been reading your responses since day one, and I've pondered a lot about it. The reason I was silent up until right now it's because I've gave a lot of thought to each one of your responses. It was interesting for me to read the different opinions as it helped me to make my mind.
Thank you so much for your feedback, and for your heartfelt advices, I understand them perfectly fine, even if I still feel like I'm not supposed to say anything.
Sophia Sage got it right, there's no one in my background that could show up and speak about that... And even more impossible if I go to another country. Sounds like heaven to me.
As for the kids, this is a conversation that we had already long ago when we were getting to know each other better. Neither of us want children, I've made myself clear that it's not in my plans, and explained that to him early on. He said that he also doesn't want children, and that he doesn't need them to be happy as long as we can be together. Later on, I confessed to him that I was so closed to the idea not because I didn't feel it, but rather because I'm unable to carry children. I told him I was born with medical issues and that I'm infertile, that I need to do a treatment and he didn't want to dig much in the topic.
Quote from: Meria on October 28, 2016, 10:15:49 PMSounds like heaven to me.
Have a truly beautiful life, Meria, and always stay true to yourself! Enjoy heaven. This can be like death and rebirth, and from rebirth we can taste heaven on earth. And then you may realize, what you've looked forward to has already come.
Something fun: Learn Swedish. Learn it really well, and get the accent down impeccably. Trust me on this.
Yours, Sophie
Quote from: Sophia Sage on October 29, 2016, 12:26:08 AM
Something fun: Learn Swedish. Learn it really well, and get the accent down impeccably. Trust me on this.
You got me all curious now, Sophie! Why is that? :)
In this day and age of oppressive government, Big Data, cheap storage, and Iron Mountain, there is no such thing as "Deep Stealth". You have a vast legal, as in part of "The Public Record", bread crumb trail back to your birth. Also in this day and age about every employer wants a criminal background check which many background checks include names or aliases used in the past.
My wife was essentially deep stealth having transitioned back in the late 1970's. For a good 30 years the name from the past was never seen. Amazingly somehow it has occasionally popped up! Not a big thing to me since we go back really really far. Naturally, freaky to us both how it has.
One, "If we had the money" dream is hiring some detective agency to dig and dig deep. A simpler, probably cheaper is some on-line background checker.
Quote from: Meria on October 29, 2016, 01:03:01 AM
You got me all curious now, Sophie! Why is that? :)
Do you remember "learning the language" as you slipped into a female life? Same principle. If you immigrate to another country, embrace it. Become a part of it. It will make your life so much easier. It may even give you additional insight into how you got to the promised land and managed to stay there.
And don't worry about Big Data -- you have a tiny footprint, and you're going to a country that is the most liberal on earth, with a different system than wherever you are now. There are plenty of rewarding careers that don't require stripping your history down to the bare bones; you can always start your own business, work freelance, what have you. If there's a minor breach, it can be compartmentalized, and if you're actively engaged in the local culture and obviously female, people will
want to help you.
Quote from: Meria on October 28, 2016, 10:15:49 PMI confessed to him that I was so closed to the idea not because I didn't feel it, but rather because I'm unable to carry children. I told him I was born with medical issues and that I'm infertile, that I need to do a treatment and he didn't want to dig much in the topic.
Well, that's good to hear: infertility's not the kind of bombshell you want to drop on him 5 years down the line when he says "I really want kids! Want to go off birth control?" I still say he's probably going to find out some day, but I see why you don't want to tell him, so... Not much more to say.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on October 29, 2016, 03:38:11 PM
Do you remember "learning the language" as you slipped into a female life? Same principle. If you immigrate to another country, embrace it. Become a part of it. It will make your life so much easier. It may even give you additional insight into how you got to the promised land and managed to stay there.
I never "learned the language". Ever since I can remember I was who I am and everyone could see that, I didn't try to hide it. Since kinder garden they called my parents to tell them that I was behaving like a girl. I was always very girly, even before my hormones.
I was very young, truth is, I began my transition at the age of 15. One day I simply couldn't stand it anymore, and I wrote one big letter about what I was feeling, and my research about gender dysphoria. I convinced the school to call me differently, and so they edited the lists and all so I would appear with my true name. Of course, it wasn't entirelly official, they were only allowed to edit documents such as the presence lists and all those kind of papers to protect my private information from my fellow students, which was good enough at that time, worse is nothing.
This very same thing I did with the hospital and everywhere I went, and many times, I had to fight the world and make them treat me for who I am, but there's no news in that, we've all been through that. I suppose I did it all while very young, and it affected me greatly. It was so stressing I decided not to ever beg for understanding and acceptance again. By the age of 17 I requested the court to legally change my gender through surgery, and succeeded. I even finished high school already having my correct official ID.
Ever since that, I've been in deep stealth, I remember when I took singing lessons terrified and ready to be a contralto at best, or worse, and much to my surprise, I was instantly sent with the mezzosoprano girls without a single doubt or glance of suspicion. In every aspect, I've been living the life of just another female in the group...
I think I extended myself a bit, and even gave information that wasn't asked, heh... But I suppose I understand what you meant. He's already teaching me swedish and I'm learning.