Okay, I think I passed a month o.o
So, this is what happened. More facial hair has started propping up in new regions, ditto for chest hair and ear hair x.x
It's happening really fast too, it usually takes a year to spread x.x
I'm crying a lot, so that's a good sign and I'm still depressed.
With any luck, the negative things will reverse in a month or two and will go in the right direction.
I see why people say that HRT is really cruel.
More updates, yay.
So, they're now saying that they want to go back to the U.K. in less than six months because they don't like this country. That's about the same length as my supply of pills. Fun. The ones which will probably take a few months just to overcome the suppression, thus stopping new hairs from growing in new regions. After that, I won't have a single pill more ever as the U.K is extremely, extremely strict.
They want to stay in the U.K. for less than a year before yet again moving somewhere else, because they're bored and want to travel. Any tips on the best way to just kill the little androgen factory...?
My left "breast" is sore, but it's probably because I keep plucking hairs out with my trusty tweezers, contrary to the delusions in my imagination
Go back for another six-month supply before you leave. :)
And yes, anti-androgens can take a while to be effective. Hang in there!
Quote from: Sophia Sage on November 24, 2016, 08:15:04 AM
Go back for another six-month supply before you leave. :)
And yes, anti-androgens can take a while to be effective. Hang in there!
That's impossible. Customs would confiscate it. They confiscate everything, as everything could be a bomb or cocaine.
Mm, it might take a few months for the super rapid masculinisation to end. And then, we'll see about feminisation.
At the current speed, I'm thinking perhaps 5 - 6 months for the breast growth to begin?
I'm slowly being driven insane by the paranoia about whether the pills work at all.
What is your regimen? Not the doses in particular, but what are you taking?
Quote from: Sophia Sage on November 25, 2016, 12:00:32 AM
What is your regimen? Not the doses in particular, but what are you taking?
I take a pill every-day at 9am of estradiol valerate. Spirowhatsacallit is like $80, so I passed on that and it'll be hard to get it past the hawks anyway. I might as-well be taking sugar pills with how ineffective it is, any tips on killing the androgen factory?
Xirafel, for the UK, you could contact GenderGP.co.uk which is basically an informed consent route to private HRT. If you reach out to them before you get here, they might be able to prescribe while you're here.
If I recall, the U.K requires a year of running around in a dress humiliating yourself and a year of therapy before getting a single pill. You probably need the therapy for the trauma of doing that x.x
We're going to stay there less than a year. No, perhaps not even six months before going to yet another different country, not Australia.
I would be better off slitting my own throat than to be laughed and sneered at in that country.
It's the sort of place where I would be *attacked* for doing something like that. I was born there. I know.
Even if by some miracle I did get approved (it won't happen), the NHS would probably kill me by completely messing up the monitoring or giving the wrong doses, they are *that* incompetent.
I've posted an article demonstrating their incompetence to show that they aren't the saints some here think they are.
There are countless dozens of similar horror stories in other news articles.
Also, where am I going to get the money for private, assuming that they can get around the regulation? I can't even afford $80 for a pack of anti-androgens x.x
Quote from: Xirafel on November 25, 2016, 03:11:58 AM
If I recall, the U.K requires a year of running around in a dress humiliating yourself and a year of therapy before getting a single pill. You probably need the therapy for the trauma of doing that x.x
We're going to stay there less than a year. No, perhaps not even six months before going to yet another different country, not Australia.
From talking to friends in the UK, not only is it not NHS policy to enforce a years RLE before hormones, none of the GIC's will try and make you do it either.. You're out of date on that one..
QuoteI would be better off slitting my own throat than to be laughed and sneered at in that country.
It's the sort of place where I would be *attacked* for doing something like that. I was born there. I know.
Even if by some miracle I did get approved (it won't happen), the NHS would probably kill me by completely messing up the monitoring or giving the wrong doses, they are *that* incompetent.
Again, either wrong or way out of date info. Is the NHS perfect? Hell no, but they are way better than you give them credit for.
QuoteI've posted an article demonstrating their incompetence to show that they aren't the saints some here think they are.
There are countless dozens of similar horror stories in other news articles.
Also, where am I going to get the money for private, assuming that they can get around the regulation? I can't even afford $80 for a pack of anti-androgens x.x
Things like that can happen anywhere. One of the more popular Thai surgeons practices out of his own "clinic" because no Thai hospital will let him in the door - he's happy to flaunt the rules to make his money, never mind the patient. Another has a habit of leaving behind things he shouldn't after SRS. Again, there is no forced RLE for hormones in the UK.
The NHS has nearly killed me before, and caused permanent brain damage to me in the process.
Also, the NHS doctors are pretty aggressive and impatient.
You want me to deal with the people who nearly killed me?
And no clue about that one, judging by how everyone is all smiles about the NHS, I'm not sure how much information I can really trust.
I nearly died in Melbourne's premier paediatric hospital as a 13yo. I was being treated by doctors and surgeons with serious reputations and yet I still almost died. I'm not about to start crapping on the rest of the health system because of it. I know what the cause was and it was not something that could have been predicted.
Have you actually read the NHS treatment policies for trans people? Have you read ANY of the threads here by the UK members? You seem to have a very fixed idea of reality and little desire to find the truth..
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the NHS, I agree they leave alot to be desired! GenderGP is a private service. I used them for a 2 month HRT trial, they were quick and supportive. Some medical questions, and a single psych' review on the phone and I had a prescription through my letter within a couple of weeks. If you contact them before getting to the UK they might work well for the short time you're here.
Quote from: kelly_aus on November 25, 2016, 04:11:17 AM
I nearly died in Melbourne's premier paediatric hospital as a 13yo. I was being treated by doctors and surgeons with serious reputations and yet I still almost died. I'm not about to start crapping on the rest of the health system because of it. I know what the cause was and it was not something that could have been predicted.
Have you actually read the NHS treatment policies for trans people? Have you read ANY of the threads here by the UK members? You seem to have a very fixed idea of reality and little desire to find the truth..
It totally could have been prevented and now I'm a cripple. They let it happen. Quit trolling.
I did some research into the subject, but I never thought I'd have to go to that stinkhole of a country, ugh.
My area was dangerous. I'm still looking behind me to see if someone's following me.
Quote from: meganjames2 on November 25, 2016, 04:11:23 AM
I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the NHS, I agree they leave alot to be desired! GenderGP is a private service. I used them for a 2 month HRT trial, they were quick and supportive. Some medical questions, and a single psych' review on the phone and I had a prescription through my letter within a couple of weeks. If you contact them before getting to the UK they might work well for the short time you're here.
How much does it cost...?
Quote from: Xirafel on November 25, 2016, 04:20:37 AM
It totally could have been prevented and now I'm a cripple. They let it happen. Quit trolling.
How much does it cost...?
I'm trolling? You come here and whine and complain about things and yet seem to do almost zero to help yourself.. Trolls don't last long enough on this site to make 3800 posts or gain 83 positive rep points. I've lived with being trans for almost 30 years and have lived as an openly trans woman for the last 6 years. I put in a lot of effort (and money) to get to where I am..
Quote from: kelly_aus on November 25, 2016, 04:27:57 AM
I'm trolling? You come here and whine and complain about things and yet seem to do almost zero to help yourself.. Trolls don't last long enough on this site to make 3800 posts or gain 83 positive rep points. I've lived with being trans for almost 30 years and have lived as an openly trans woman for the last 6 years. I put in a lot of effort (and money) to get to where I am..
Anyone can troll. Absolutely anyone. Someone could have a million posts, but they could still troll. Being trans doesn't make you not a troll. And it doesn't mean that trolling constitutes your very identity. Perhaps, you hate me specifically.
Heck, there's nothing that stops a moderator from trolling and using some bland excuse like... "I'm just really blunt with my opinions." Right? Okay, I'll back away before I get zapped down for accosting someone important.
Mm, that's the purpose of these forums, perhaps I should post in the venting ones, perhaps not.
I come here to vent off. Also, I've done a fair bit of research, but it basically boils to me getting the middle finger, because I won't be there for a year to undergo a year of therapy or don't have lots of money to throw at the problem.
I agree, money is a magical thing. If I was a billionaire, my problems would be resolved within five minutes.
I could just bribe the therapist with $20,000 to write a letter on the spot, and bribe my way through the whole process within a day.
I've made other posts on GenderGP and the costs. But the initial assessments are a few hundred dollars. There is a monthly fee of about 30 dollars plus the cost of any prescriptions. In my case, the Evorel E patches were about 15 dollars for a months supply. I didn't have AA's for my trial and I was already on Finasteride. Info is all on their website. They use ClearChemist.co.uk for the prescriptions, so the drug pricing can be found there.
Quote from: Xirafel on November 25, 2016, 12:59:16 AMI take a pill every-day at 9am of estradiol valerate. Spirowhatsacallit is like $80, so I passed on that and it'll be hard to get it past the hawks anyway. I might as-well be taking sugar pills with how ineffective it is, any tips on killing the androgen factory?
If I were you, I'd do everything in my power to raise $80 and get the spiro. The estrogen you're taking will not prevent the testosterone you're generating from continuing to masculinize your body. An anti-androgen is rather crucial for this phase of the game.
And you're smart, I'm sure you can get it past the hawks. You got the estrogen past them, after all.
My brain is kind of damaged. According to the neuro-whatsacallit, it's something to do with memory recall. The connection between something and something. Mm, some things are really, really super hard to recall sometimes. I believe it was the long term memory.
Therapists are going to be fun to deal with, as the U.K. tends to be fond of obstructive bureaucrats who use anything as an excuse. E.g. Being unable to recall things when demanded. I'm sure they could invent a fantasy like me making it up as I go along, especially if they think I'm "disconnected from reality".
That woman knows about the problem, but she's a psychologist and psychologists are great at psychological manipulation. I can't describe how extremely manipulative they are. The main mistake she made was thinking that she knew the slightest thing about me, as she gets her information from my parents who are living in their own delusions.
I sometimes think my parents need a psychologist more than I do.
They are so far off the rails that it's scary, and they've been disturbingly impulsive lately.
Quote from: Sophia Sage on November 25, 2016, 08:08:24 AM
If I were you, I'd do everything in my power to raise $80 and get the spiro. The estrogen you're taking will not prevent the testosterone you're generating from continuing to masculinize your body. An anti-androgen is rather crucial for this phase of the game.
And you're smart, I'm sure you can get it past the hawks. You got the estrogen past them, after all.
I fought long and hard to get $100 into that bank account.
It only has $7 left now, courtesy of the estrogen. I literally emptied my bank account buying that. And I got really, really super lucky with getting it past them.
You are correct, I'm not doing everything in my power. The problem is that it would be far, far too crippling to use those methods to gathering money. Many of which are small short term gains for major, major long term losses. Maybe, if I was ten, and kept trying to cut it off with a knife, then someone might take me seriously, but at this age? Good luck.
When I bought the pills, the options were basically. Buy anti-androgens and have nothing happen. Of course, nothing happens is preferable to masculinisation, but who wants to merely do that? Or buy estrogen and having the changes start popping up eventually.
Besides, it should slowly build up in the bloodstream, and should eventually reach a concentration capable of somewhat suppressing the androgens.
Unfortunately, my body is a pile of c**p. I wonder if there are any methods for suppressing the androgen factory other than the classics like injecting it with bleach, or the method which will produce the loudest scream this neighbourhood has ever heard.
Quote from: Xirafel on November 26, 2016, 08:23:39 AM
Unfortunately, my body is a pile of c**p. I wonder if there are any methods for suppressing the androgen factory other than the classics like injecting it with bleach, or the method which will produce the loudest scream this neighbourhood has ever heard.
I would strongly advise against considering that approach. We have a member who attempted that approach and fortunately she called emergency services before the attempt. She still almost bled out before they reached her and the pain left the job half done. Besides that, you could be damaging possible donor material making surgery far more difficult.
I'll have to do something about that little parasite. I don't think it likes hot water, maybe that'll be the way.
Even hot-warm water makes it complain. Sensitive thing.
I would look at anatomical charts to see which part produces the androgens, but simply looking at the thing disgusts me.
I know you want it gone but think of it as a clitoris and vagina in the making. Any surgeon you select will be able to do a far better job with the original equipment than using grafts. Besides that, grafts leave marks on the body where they are collected which might limit your future swim suit selection and bring unwanted questions from future lovers.
It's not like surgery would give the real thing anyway. It's a horrible crude imitation. For the low price of tens of thousands of dollars. Just another way for me to be robbed.
If I was averse to every risk in life, I might as-well just go into a cabin in the woods and hide there forever.
Of course, I can't go for solutions which cause a huge financial burden on myself in the future, like the ones needed to get anti-androgens.
For instance, hindering my capabilities to make money. Without money, all that will happen is one having a life of despair. There was one year where my parents were so desperate that they were stealing back the little money they gave me.
I'm probably never going to go swimming anyway, I'm already horrifically disfigured.
Future lovers? I'm interested in literally one person per decade, and they all go against me anyway. Meaningless.
And no sane person would go after someone like me anyway.
Thank you for the post.
From the sounds of it, all they really do is invert it and turn it into a tunnel instead. I noticed that when I saw people screaming on these forums about how crude the procedure is, and other people I've spoken to.
It's not like I have to destroy all of it, just the problematic portions, I have an idea of where the chemicals are produced.
I got an idea of where when I read about XY females not having ovaries and needing hormones.
For any additional cells, I don't think they even have to do grafts, maybe they can culture some cells in a lab or something.
Oops, not destroy. I'm getting a little too excited at the prospect of destroying it. I would love to destroy it. Damage.
Quote from: Xirafel on November 26, 2016, 09:22:34 PM
It's not like surgery would give the real thing anyway. It's a horrible crude imitation. For the low price of tens of thousands of dollars. Just another way for me to be robbed.
Don't knock it until you try it. My surgery is pretty primitive my current standards but it has made many people very happy. Today the surgery has several refinements that make it far better in some respects. Yes, you can't give birth but you can enjoy just about everything a CIS woman experiences.
Quote from: Xirafel on November 26, 2016, 10:07:02 PM
What's a clitoris?
It's the part of the female that allows for sexual simulation without using the vagina. To have a functional one, you need an intact penis as it's used to construct one. This is a place where the surgery has been greatly improved and the ones today are far more realistic than mine.
Quote from: Xirafel on November 26, 2016, 10:07:02 PM
What's a clitoris?
It's what gives a woman most of her sexual stimulation. But too bad it is outside instead of inside, if it was inside sex would feel way better for women. Women like to have their clits played with while being penetrated sometimes because the extra stimulation. Imagine how great sex would feel with 3 clits one next to the entrance of tha vag another a little deeper and the last one near the rear at around 5-6 inch depth. Putting icing on the cake if the g spot was stimulated as well. Sex would be literal heaven of pleasure intoxication for women.
Anyway fictional vagina scify fantasies aside
cheer up thing will be ok.
Quote from: Dena on November 26, 2016, 09:47:51 PM
My surgery is pretty primitive my current standards but it has made many people very happy.
You have such a wonderful way with words.
Or is it just me?
Quote from: AnonyMs on November 27, 2016, 06:35:21 AM
You have such a wonderful way with words.
Or is it just me?
That's what I get for posting half awake. As a virgin that didn't come out the way I thought. :embarrassed: I meant others who have had the same surgery that I had.
Okay, I got my plans together in my head. If the problem isn't resolved in a week or two, then I'll permanently cripple that thing's ability to produce androgens. Or any time I'm pushed over the edge, I'm unpredictable like that.
I'll see if... I forgot what I was going to say because someone started screaming. Urm, I'll have to get back to you later on that.
Okay, I remember now. I'll see if I can use it's sensitivity to heat against the two round things.
They have less tolerance for heat than the rest of my body which is good.
$100 is what I'm able to scrounge together in an entire year. It pretty much blew all of my liquid cash.
Even if I got more money, I would need it to buy more pills to continue the process, let alone buying anti-androgens.
And these people talking to themselves, screaming at nothing, and buying lots of wine bottles are freaking me out again x.x
Quote from: Xirafel on November 28, 2016, 01:13:49 AM
Okay, I got my plans together in my head. If the problem isn't resolved in a week or two, then I'll permanently cripple that thing's ability to produce androgens. Or any time I'm pushed over the edge, I'm unpredictable like that.
I'll see if... I forgot what I was going to say because someone started screaming. Urm, I'll have to get back to you later on that.
Okay, I remember now. I'll see if I can use it's sensitivity to heat against the two round things.
They have less tolerance for heat than the rest of my body which is good.
Are you saying you are going to apply heat to your testicles in the hope that will stop them producing Testosterone?
Liz
Yes, she is saying just that... ???
Harming yourself is never the anwser. If you want surgery down there in the future they need that tissue in as good of health as can be in order to give you SRS that isn't a complete graph from somewhere else. My advice would be to work through any hoops in front of you. I'm not familiar with your situation, but I can guarantee nothing is ever that bad as to need such action to fix an issue by harming ones self. Do you have a therapist or someone you could talk to and help you through this? Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Xirafel on November 28, 2016, 01:13:49 AM
Okay, I got my plans together in my head. If the problem isn't resolved in a week or two, then I'll permanently cripple that thing's ability to produce androgens. Or any time I'm pushed over the edge, I'm unpredictable like that.
I'll see if... I forgot what I was going to say because someone started screaming. Urm, I'll have to get back to you later on that.
Okay, I remember now. I'll see if I can use it's sensitivity to heat against the two round things.
They have less tolerance for heat than the rest of my body which is good.
$100 is what I'm able to scrounge together in an entire year. It pretty much blew all of my liquid cash.
Even if I got more money, I would need it to buy more pills to continue the process, let alone buying anti-androgens.
And these people talking to themselves, screaming at nothing, and buying lots of wine bottles are freaking me out again x.x
Another mental breakdown... I want to hide somewhere no one can find me... Humans are all evil...
A therapist? No, a friend. I'm probably too emotional for them, mhm.
My psychologist is no good at all. Traitor. Actually, you can't betray someone, if you're never on their side, but it was a nice thought that she might care.
I soaked it in hot water a couple of times, but nothing happened other than it turning red o.o
The water from the hot water tap might not be hot enough x.x
Maybe, I should try it a few times or wait to see if it's gotten better o.o
Or maybe, find some boiling water :)
I like sweet things, is that bad for the pills?
I would not get the pills wet. They will just lose what they have and be of no good to you. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Xirafel on November 30, 2016, 06:27:52 PM
Maybe, I should try it a few times or wait to see if it's gotten better o.o
Or maybe, find some boiling water :)
I like sweet things, is that bad for the pills?
I didn't soak my pills in there. I soaked the "venom sacs" of the little "parasite".
Think about it. The long bit is it's abdomen, the hole is it's butt, the round things are it's venom sacs, and the thing going in is it's mouth. It's like one of those face huggers from Alien.
When I think of that psychologist, I imagine sending her a message like this in six months, urm I totally wouldn't do it, but I can imagine doing it:
"Have you heard of this drug called estrogen? I seem to be addicted to it. Is there any help you might provide with this? It boosts my mood and gives me some serious withdrawal symptoms when it's taken away."
Quote from: Xirafel on November 30, 2016, 11:34:50 PM
I didn't soak my pills in there. I soaked the "venom sacs" of the little "parasite".
Think about it. The long bit is it's abdomen, the hole is it's butt, the round things are it's venom sacs, and the thing going in is it's mouth. It's like one of those face huggers from Alien.
When I think of that psychologist, I imagine sending her a message like this in six months, urm I totally wouldn't do it, but I can imagine doing it:
"Have you heard of this drug called estrogen? I seem to be addicted to it. Is there any help you might provide with this? It boosts my mood and gives me some serious withdrawal symptoms when it's taken away."
That was a funny way to describe your 'things'! Ew! facehugger! The Alien franchise is soo gross!
Hm, I think that breast is a little spherical. Probably just fat. You see, I have no idea what to expect beyond it growing.
Day four of hot water. It's still a little ache-y. Ah well, it can't be helped :)
I ate so many sweet things today and someone was giving away energy drinks o.o
Is that bad for HRT?
Hm, interesting. The hot water makes it stop moving. It likes moving on it's own for some reason. If I don't have hot water for a day or two, it reverts back to it's previous antics.
I basically just run hot water in the bath (with the cold water one off, obviously). Ironically, it's the highest temperature I can bathe in. And by bathe, I mean posturing myself to avoid most of my body touching it for ten or so minutes to let it soak in the heat.
False alarm. It's still doing lots of micro movements. Just not the big ones x.x
Okay, with any luck, it'll die and stop doing those eventually x.x
Ah wait, I'm soaking just one part not the whole thing. No wonder the micro movements won't stop. Okay, I'll try burning the whole thing o-o
What you are doing won't achieve your aims.. And I suspect you are heating the wrong thing anyway..
I think I'm paranoid. I'm constantly thinking about the possibility of jumping up in size, etc. Paranoid.
Quote from: kelly_aus on December 09, 2016, 03:05:35 AM
What you are doing won't achieve your aims.. And I suspect you are heating the wrong thing anyway..
Useful. Thank you. I'll go with Plan B then.
It seems like it might logically work. Anti-androgens spend months destroying cells. Heat does the same thing.
I'm in need of your expertise. Which part do you think I should pour boiling water on? We have a little kettle which should be able to heat the water up past the limits of the hot water tap.
A very bad idea. To get the water that hot will burn and scar the skin long before anything else is affected. Scared tissue will not construct a proper vagina or labia. Not only are you dealing with something you don't want now, but it will make it very difficult to construct what you want. You really need to stop considering this approach because it will only damage the tissue you will need in the future.
I have no clue what a vagina looks like, that would require looking at porn and that's kind of disgusting. I have no clue what labia is. Also, I'm feeling good about inflicting pain on that evil thing either way, although I would like to think that it's accumulating damage.
And no sane therapist would allow me to do what you're thinking anyway, so what does it matter?
Look up the SRS sites on the wiki.
Burning yourself convinces me.
If you google vulva, you will find some useful medical information that will describe the feminine body without the porn. Modern surgery with a well trained doctor can come close to duplicating the structures as long as they have the material to work with. In the surgery very little is discarded and sometimes if the starting material is insufficient, a graft from another part of the body may be required. A graft will leave a visible scar and graft tissue requires a longer, more difficult recovery.
I think any therapist would find that you are transgender but the problem is your other behavior. Surgery is painful and requires somebody who can deal with the post surgical care required. Post surgical care can require 4 hours a day for a month or more and some care may be required for the rest of your life. The inability to care for yourself would be the biggest risk to your treatment. You need to start acting in a responsible manor instead of yielding to your emotions and that will give you the best shot at the treatment you require.
Quote from: Xirafel on December 10, 2016, 05:49:17 AM
And no sane therapist would allow me to do what you're thinking anyway, so what does it matter?
The good thing about therapists is there's so many of them, and some of them a very accepting.
Those two are very controlling people. I can't get parcel through the door without them questioning it. She refuses to let me use the washing machine, and she's the greatest expert the world has ever seen at destroying clothes. Gah.
So, I just wear dirty female clothes. I tried the soap, but it ended up leaving some white residue which won't come out no matter how many times I wash it and the material from the clothes keeps coming out x.x
And most of my meagre savings are in an offshore bank account which would likely get locked, if they detected any "suspicious transactions". They don't even have a branch in this country.
They're the people who locked my account in the past for making three £3 transactions in the span of a week. Because, that's totally suspicious and I had to go down to the branch to get it unlocked x.x
I had to queue up there like an idiot waiting, only for them to tell me that half of their computer system had crashed, so they couldn't unlock it there. I was literally sleeping on the chair waiting for them to call me. That bank. That bank. That bank. Gah.
Okay, I got that out of my system. What were we discussing?
Ah yes. They are very strict with money. Anything which is bought has to go through them.
Every now and then, I might convince them to part with a pittance.
They were shouting at me for three hours the other day for wasting their money on going to an ear doctor, as my ear has been messed up with tinnitus, etc. for TWO YEARS.
Those people are frustrating. Frustrating. Frustrating.
And the psychologist they chose was always going... Lalalala, I'm not listening. Or at-least, that what I assume she was doing behind her desk on the other side of the world.
First, she spent three hours trying to configure Skype to work properly.
That failed because Skype is terrible and we ended up conversing over emails for a few weeks.
My intuition is almost always right and it's telling me that this is impossible.
Perhaps, if I took some serious action a decade ago, then maybe I would have gotten somewhere, but these days? This is a completely different world.
For one, my parents were less crazy back then. They're so mentally unstable at times that it's disturbing. And it's easier to pitch the idea of not being a hideous deformed creature by starting earlier.
With that money, I might have enough for a whole extra month of estrogen pushing the total up from six months to seven. I just need to scrounge up another five months to get a year covered.
Also, I'm now officially a student here, yay. Not that it means much.
Well, it kind of means that they can't pack their bags in March and drag me back.
Quote from: Xirafel on December 11, 2016, 08:53:45 AM
With that money, I might have enough for a whole extra month of estrogen pushing the total up from six months to seven. I just need to scrounge up another five months to get a year covered.
Also, I'm now officially a student here, yay. Not that it means much.
Well, it kind of means that they can't pack their bags in March and drag me back.
As student are you allowed to get a part time Job? You may well be able to make use of your New Zealand passport to do this. As a New Zealand passport holder you can work here and as of about mid next year you can become a permanent resident which entitles you to full benefits including medical care.
The situation as you describe it, sounds almost abusive and there are people who can help if you are in a psychologically/Physically abusive situation as you have described.
The whole student status may be a way for you to stop being dependant on your parents. That would be hopefully alleviate some of the stress you are under.
Wearing dirty clothes can't make you feel too great. There are many charities' around that provide free laundry facilities for people unable to access them. It may take a little looking around to see who is providing what but rather than wear dirty clothes it may be worth seeking one out to at lest be able to launder your clothes. Failing that there is always laundromats. I know it takes about 50 empty coke cans/bottles (taken to recycling) cashed in to get enough cash to pay for one large laundromat wash...so if you really get stuck....
Hope some of that helps
Liz
Stupid ear. My voice was echoing in my left ear as I spoke while I was out today x.x
But, I convinced her to part with some money. Well, convinced is a strong word. She gave it to me on a whim after I asked, rare.
I have a feeling that she's going to ask me to spend it on food or something, and not provide any money for that.
But with any luck, she'll forget about it as she's really, really forgetful. Mm.
They have some nice statues of kangaroos in the centre. Unfortunately, the bus costs $10 each way. Expensive x.x
I don't just wear these clothes, I sleep in them. Nice and soft.
Quote from: Xirafel on December 12, 2016, 09:26:55 AM
Stupid ear. My voice was echoing in my left ear as I spoke while I was out today x.x
I have the same problem since 2007. I've seen 6 ENT specialists and none could tell me why this is happening. It's also in my left ear and gets worse when I am dehydrated. Apparently my Eustachian tube in my left ear doesn't want to properly open so that the air pressure is not equal inside and outside of my ear, causing the symptoms. :(
I mostly wear the dress for sleeping in. I have other clothes, but they're super tight around the shoulders thank to my horribly deformed body, so I only wear them for a few hours before changing out of them.
I wear it day and night every day, asides from when I occasionally go out :)
Quote from: AnonyMs on December 10, 2016, 11:13:27 PM
The good thing about therapists is there's so many of them, and some of them a very accepting.
There was one staff member on here who told me that there's a very real risk of the therapist deciding to lock me up in a mental hospital.
I think I'm going crazy x.x
I keep being distracted by it, so I keep slapping it. Stop, you stupid thing x.x
Behave. Stay. Staaaay. Stupid thing.
Or to describe what I'm thinking about it in a little less filtered way...
Go die, you worthless piece of ****. Stop bothering me. Why are you constantly moving?! Gaaaaahhh!!!!
Quote from: Xirafel on December 13, 2016, 02:45:27 AM
There was one staff member on here who told me that there's a very real risk of the therapist deciding to lock me up in a mental hospital.
When I was still in my therapy group, one MTF member thought all the tests they were given were silly and put down all sorts of strange answers. As the results, after the test were analyzed, she was given extra therapy time because they felt she was unstable.
If you treat your therapist the same way you post on the forum, I can understand why they may think that way. Your best bet to speed the process is honesty and treat the therapist as adults that deserve the best answer you can provide. Therapy is serious and the quicker they can understand you and what you feel, the faster you will move through treatment. Or you can be like that distant member and take all the time you want in therapy.
I should just destroy that evil thing. It's all it's fault. That worthless piece of garbage.
**** those useless therapists. Seeing a gender specialist would make me biased? What the hell was that nonsense about, that useless woman.
And she doesn't listen to a single ****ing thing for a single moment and blathers on and on with the ****** name. **** the therapists. **** this country. **** this world.
Honesty? Hahahahaha. Self-harm is already enough justification to throw you in a strait jacket and strap you down in a mental hospital.
And then, they'll pump you full of anti-psychotics. Perhaps, they'll detect the elevated estrogen levels and feed me androgens too, as it could be "causing these abnormalities".
Too mentally unstable? Well, of course. That thing is making me more and more mentally unstable. Therapy won't fix that (talking to someone in a room). No, it'll make it worse as it wastes time.
It depends on what you mean by "therapy".
By any chance, do you remember the article I linked where they had some woman who was dying from internal bleeding, but they ignored the symptoms like how she was behaving and attributed it to mental illness.
In reality, it was caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain. And then, she died.
That's what I think of therapists. You don't simply "pick" a therapist, once they decide to lock you up, you're stuck with them and whatever "treatments" they decide to apply.
As said by one of the staff members on here.
Xirafel, Dena makes a very good point. Therapy is a cooperative process. You have to be as honest as possible with the therapist. No hedging, no BS. It is hard work, for you!
Therapists are not useless. Not co-operating with a therapist is useless, a waste of your time and the therapist's time. The therapist is there to help you help yourself. That's how this works.
You can move forward, or you can sit there with your head running in circles. It's your choice. YOUR CHOICE.
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Hi Xirafel
I was just wondering, has any, of what the many people who have taken time to respond to you have said, actually resonate with you, in any way?
Liz
To be fair, @ElizabethK.
They did just dodge everything I said and cherry-picked parts.
And I don't think they read older pages, understandable. In short, I don't have the finances or means to get a therapist, so all of this paranoia and persuasion and responsibility talk in reaction to my idle rambling is a little less effective than you might expect.
We're just going back and forth on whether therapists are evil when it probably doesn't even matter for a year or two, as I don't have the finances or means to hire one.
Whether they have the capability to lock me up on a whim like Kelly suggested is irrelevant when I can't even summon one.
Thus, the bridging methods. I do have a psychologist-ish. And she basically ignores everything I say and tries to force me towards her conclusions. Whether "good therapists" outside of her exist is irrelevant when I don't have the means or finances to summon them.
I whine about therapists being obstacles as they literally are obstacles.
An immovable wall I've been tackling for the past few months who just ignores everything I say. Someone saying that any therapist would "agree with me" on a forum is useless when my psychologist will just turn around and say... Nope.
Maybe in America where people can do whatever they want, and the psychologist is more interested in making a quick buck. Hell, there are even young teenagers on full HRT.
I have all the time in the world to ponder over whether therapists might be worth it in a year or two based on information I'm provided about their capabilities and tendencies. I might as-well indulge in my paranoia a little.
Hm, I do have a friend who is more on my wavelength. We even have similar interests. Very similar o.o
Anime. Games. Even code o.o
Uh, that's probably not too relevant. On the bright side, this is apparently a really good university, so it's probably not as shoddy as the previous one. My previous one was absolutely atrocious.
Urm, what was the name again. Uh... I forgot x.x
Apparently, the food there's cheap. That's always good. I'll get to stash part of that money in my bank account. That's how I scrounge for money.
Well, to be fair, in every post you have made in each of the different forums at least one person has replied with helpful suggestions. At least one person. From ingrown hairs to therapy to support groups to simply helpful guidance many people have reached out. Whether you take their advice or even acknowledge it is another thing, but the truth is clear to anyone who looks..
We can blame as many people as we want but in the end we are responsible for our own happiness. No one here has been a roadblock to you
Quote from: Xirafel on December 15, 2016, 07:12:20 AM
To be fair, @ElizabethK.
They did just dodge everything I said and cherry-picked parts.
And I don't think they read older pages, understandable. In short, I don't have the finances or means to get a therapist, so all of this paranoia and persuasion and responsibility talk in reaction to my idle rambling is a little less effective than you might expect.
We're just going back and forth on whether therapists are evil when it probably doesn't even matter for a year or two, as I don't have the finances or means to hire one.
Whether they have the capability to lock me up on a whim like Kelly suggested is irrelevant when I can't even summon one.
Thus, the bridging methods. I do have a psychologist-ish. And she basically ignores everything I say and tries to force me towards her conclusions. Whether "good therapists" outside of her exist is irrelevant when I don't have the means or finances to summon them.
I whine about therapists being obstacles as they literally are obstacles.
An immovable wall I've been tackling for the past few months who just ignores everything I say. Someone saying that any therapist would "agree with me" on a forum is useless when my psychologist will just turn around and say... Nope.
Maybe in America where people can do whatever they want, and the psychologist is more interested in making a quick buck. Hell, there are even young teenagers on full HRT.
I have all the time in the world to ponder over whether therapists might be worth it in a year or two based on information I'm provided about their capabilities and tendencies. I might as-well indulge in my paranoia a little.
Hm, I do have a friend who is more on my wavelength. We even have similar interests. Very similar o.o
Anime. Games. Even code o.o
Uh, that's probably not too relevant. On the bright side, this is apparently a really good university, so it's probably not as shoddy as the previous one. My previous one was absolutely atrocious.
Urm, what was the name again. Uh... I forgot x.x
Apparently, the food there's cheap. That's always good. I'll get to stash part of that money in my bank account. That's how I scrounge for money.
Thankyou for your response. I understand your frustration at being in this situation. I agree certainly some of the responders have not read the entire thread but it can be very hard reading and to many probably doesn't make much sense...it does to me because I have been following along but even I have lost the gist of what you are trying to say, at times.
Have you tried anything that has been suggested by anyone? Maybe dismissing each and every suggestion before actually trying anything, stops people from wanting to respond and be helpful.
Do you really want us to help? We want to help...this is a support board and we don't want to chase anyone off especially any who need help. It is distressing for us to see you in distress and not be able to help...so please let us...life does not have to be one long continuous ongoing pain for you.
Sounds like your friend could be an ally? Are you able to see them frequently?
Universities can be a bit of a mixed bunch but so long as you are happy with it...you could join the student unioin who I am sure could give you some pointers to some "cash"...you might have to work for it but they will know as they deal with international students all the time...You are able to work under a student visa...I can't remember al the rules as it was a long time ago but apart from that you can work on your New Zealand passport. It is open visa system, as a New Zealand passport holder you have all the same entitlements as an Australian with the exception of Voting and welfare for the first 2 years. After that you are entitled to medicare, and Centrelink services. You could have the funds you want if you are prepared to get a job.
Flipping burgers is not exactly a life long ambition but I have done a lot worse when I need money.
Take care and have some trust that we want to help you if we can..
Liz
Pointers for some cash? Those university parasites. How much money do they want to leech from our household? We already pay them a stupendous amount of money, especially after they all put their prices up in the U.K. after our stupid government approved it.
Debt, debt, debt x.x
If I get a "part time" job, I will fail this course with absolute certainty and we will lose the many thousands of dollars invested into this venture. Also, it's not that simple. Not that simple at all.
The mental breakdown where I was incapable of doing nothing for quite a while was one thing, but I really, really don't have free time. I really don't. If it's not synergetic, it's not experience and it will detract from real experience making it harder to find a job.
My nephew is in college and he works at a service station/min market and is able to pretty much set his hours. During summer vacation he can work full time and during the school year he works what he can. He sometimes has to work holidays to let people with families have time together but that a small price to pay for being able to set your hours most of the time. Figure out what you can work and look for a store type job. The tend to have a high turnover rate and often will work with students so the student can complete their education.
One other option is sometimes security jobs might allow you to do school work between rounds. That would allow you to study while working.
Quote from: Xirafel on December 15, 2016, 05:32:47 PM
If I get a "part time" job, I will fail this course with absolute certainty and we will lose the many thousands of dollars invested into this venture. Also, it's not that simple. Not that simple at all.
Sounds like a time management issue. In my past I did one of the harder, more time consuming university degrees, but I was still able to find time to work - it wasn't optional, I needed to pay things like rent and bills.
QuoteThe mental breakdown where I was incapable of doing nothing for quite a while was one thing, but I really, really don't have free time. I really don't. If it's not synergetic, it's not experience and it will detract from real experience making it harder to find a job.
No employer expects the job(s) you have during study to be related to your degree. Any employment is a positive at that point as it shows some basic skills. Gaining employment is as much about who you are as it is your qualifications and experience these days - take that from someone who has done hiring.
:'( My super best friend and I had a bit of a fight over a misunderstanding... They're ignoring me so much now... How do I fix it...? Please... help... help... :-\
...My...friend... They...know...everything....so...kind... :'(
I'm literally crying...
I'm so sad that I don't feel anything from burning it and don't feel like beating it today...
Goodnight... I'm too depressed to post a rebuttal...
Quote from: Xirafel on December 17, 2016, 06:52:38 AM
:'( My super best friend and I had a bit of a fight over a misunderstanding... They're ignoring me so much now... How do I fix it...? Please... help... help... :-\
...My...friend... They...know...everything....so...kind... :'(
I'm literally crying...
I'm so sad that I don't feel anything from burning it and don't feel like beating it today...
Goodnight... I'm too depressed to post a rebuttal...
Have you managed to patch things up/ speak to your friend? are you alright?
If you don't want to talk about it on the board then send me a PM...
I talk to them, but they ignore me.
I apologize and they ignore me.
I desperately try to convince them that I'm sorry and they ignore me.
I'm just a worthless piece of trash... :'(
Quote from: Xirafel on December 18, 2016, 04:30:30 AM
I talk to them, but they ignore me.
I apologize and they ignore me.
I desperately try to convince them that I'm sorry and they ignore me.
I'm just a worthless piece of trash... :'(
If it was really bad then maybe some space for a day or so to let things calm? Do you think that would help
Liz
...I hope...
Quote from: Xirafel on December 18, 2016, 05:18:02 AM
...I hope...
me too..we all need friends :icon_ballbounce:
Hugs
Liz
I wonder if they will hate me forever...
sometimes, the only thing that works, to mend a situation like this, is time...
and no I don't think they will hate you forever and they are more likely just upset at the moment.
Liz
I hope so... What's the point of anything if I don't have anyone anymore...
The world's so empty and pointless...
Less importantly, we poked around the University o.o
I know it's name. They had lots of free candy and drinks. I love candy and drinks... if only... Sigh...
I had an urge to smack the stupid thing with an umbrella when it decided to be obnoxious, but I was in public, so I didn't x.x
Blergh, people keep calling me cute x.x
I mean, being cute is good, but not that kind of cute x.x
Quote from: Xirafel on December 20, 2016, 06:38:06 PM
I mean, being cute is good, but not that kind of cute x.x
Aww, cmon! Xirafel, your online personality sometimes reminds me of an old anime character, "Ed" from Cowboy Bebop. Right down to the coding skill and funny ASCII glyphs.
Tell me THAT's not cute!
- Michelle
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Uh, I mean people commenting on my appearance, those meanies. Real life people are mean.
There's so much shouting here that I feel scared whenever I hear his voice no matter what mood his in and react badly leading to him getting annoyed once more x.x
Ed? I haven't seen it o.o
I think it's been two months. Okay, I don't think anything's happening yet.
Maybe, I'm immune to oestrogen x.x
No matter how much you pump in, it won't work. Maybe, it's that. Yes, maybe it is.
It was all futile from the beginning, wasn't it? Perhaps, I've been cursed by a divine being for being such a worthless piece of garbage o.o
Also, I made up with my friend, yay :D
I think changes on E are subtle and slow. Please be patient. Sometimes you will find the changes are happening but until some who sees you rarely notices, you won't. I know others around me saw changes in my face way before I did.
Quote from: Xirafel on December 25, 2016, 05:27:33 AM
Also, I made up with my friend, yay :D
:icon_dance: YAY
Glad to hear it...you now get to to say
one nice thing about yourself...just kidding you
really get to say as many as you like ;D
Liz