Lately my confidence has taken a big hit due to transition problems.
I never had any confidence or self esteem before realising who I am. Things were getting better but other peoples ignorance and prejudice has got to me and I've really started worrying about what others think of me.
Now. This wouldn't be a problem if my personality was self centered, unfortunately however, I put others first. I care for people. I hate causing conflict or hurt. I rarely offend and if i do hurt someone I do my best to apologise and make it right.
Over the last couple of week I've been really worried that I'm not passing. I put in so much time and effort every day, trying to look more feminine. I've been on private prescription HrT for 8 months and I've been working on body language and my voice for a year. I socially transitioned on the 28th Dec 2016. I look in the mirror and I still see the person I was. The same body. Just slightly remapped. I hate my features and haven't been able to see anything positive about myself. I'm stuck in a negative numb zone at the minute.
I go out and about with my partner and on my own. I'm constantly worrying that someone will say something hurtful to me or stare at me. I went into a store last night to get milk. The cashier stared at me during the whole transaction and I felt really uncomfortable (My brain was shouting at me, saying I don't look good enough, I don't pass). I made eye contact and smiled, I said little but I was still friendly, I tried my best voice and thought it was ok. I left the shop angry with myself because all i can think is 'he was staring at me because I don't pass' or 'I'm doing something wrong'.
Today we went out for lunch. I thought I saw someone take a photo of me out of my peripheral vision.
We went to a shop after and my mood was getting a bit better. We got to the checkout and my partner Gem pointed at something interesting, I turned slightly to see it. As I did, I caught the cashiers eye, she was staring at me. I continued to turn and saw what Gem was talking about. I turned back, she was still staring. 5-6 seconds of what I interpreted as a judgmental stare. This wrecked my mood instantly. I assume (yeah I know I can't read minds) she was thinking I look strange or weird or ugly.
I'm so paranoid now. I know I can't tell what people are thinking. I can't cope. I just want to be me. I try so hard and yet my best isn't good enough. I made the decision to transition because I couldn't live in the wrong body, I wouldn't be able to live much longer as my former false self. I fear I'm out of energy, I'm not good enough, and others think I'm strange. I don't know how to move forward and my will to live is shrinking again...uncomfortably quickly.
My brain has numbed out everything since last week and only the negative gets in. I don't feel anything positive and my feeling of femininity has faided. I'm really worried now..and scared. Scared that I was wrong to transition. Even though I know this is who I am. I just feel empty, and sad.
Jessica
Quote from: JessicaK on January 27, 2017, 01:12:00 PM
Today we went out for lunch. I thought I saw someone take a photo of me out of my peripheral vision.
This is my favourite.. I was out at one of our favourite restaurants once and this 50 something year old broad with pink and blue tips in her hair (perhaps she feels it makes her appear 'young and hip'?) decides shes going to pretend to take a 'selfie' with her camera in mirror mode over the shoulder snapping my pic. She may even have been taking video of me, like I was super amusing to watch, because I could hear her snickering. She got her takeout and left. When my girlfriend returned from the washroom I shared this story with her and she honestly had no idea what to make of it.
Its certainly not easy, and this treatment isnt exactly unheard of or new to any of us. Im for the most part numb to it, I got the same dirty looks as a more 'gothy' type kid growing up. Nothings changed.
I still get pretty 'triggered' (Thats what they call it now, right?) by misgendering.
Though Ive also nearly been assaulted when 'passing' so... Im not sure what attention Id prefer anymore. I did have a great experience at a local mcdonalds recently that put the bounce back in my step though and I hope it wont be the last.
Keep your chin up. People habitually cant mind their own business.
Jessica,
A big ((HUG)) for you, girl!!
There are weird people. There are haters. There are nosy people. There are judgmental people. There are hurtful people. There are idiots, bigots, and worse out there..
But, you know what? These people menace everybody as they see fit. The things they do, they do, not because of you being anything in particular, but just because they are who and what they are.
Cis people are subject to them, not just trans people. Straight people are offended by them, also, not just LGB people.
What you are feeling, as you noted, is your own stuff rearing up inside you. If we were solid in our own selves, we wouldn't notice or care if we did, usually.
All we can do, is all we can do. And that, dear girl, is to steadily work out our transitions to the best of our ability, and to attend to our own emotional and physical needs, and cherish those that love us as we are, and let the others, those whose thoughts we imagine we know, figure out their own issues in their own time, without us giving up any of our precious power to them.
You are beautiful. Right now, you are perfect, as you are. Many humans have plans to improve themselves in ways that suit them, as transitioners we are perhaps more highly motivated, and driven by fears and anxiety as much as by hope and ambition. But all humans share the human condition. You are not alone in this, even in a sea of bigots.
You have the raw material to change your body and mind and life into something amazingly different than what you have now. But there is nothing 'wrong' with you now, as you are, you are already an amazing woman.
I hope you are feeling better, I know the ups and downs and horrid feelings of dysphoria, too. But you are making steady progress, and that hurts, change hurts. Feeling exposed hurts.
But your courage is an inspiration. Your efforts are not in vain. You matter.
Much love, and positivity to you, and Gem!
Missy
I've caught the stare a few times. I tend to look directly at them and smile.
That produces interesting reactions. Men often tilt their head forward and look down, an unconscious submission response. Women will typically quickly look away, although I had one in that Thursday class I was helping with actually lift her chin, and turn away with an audible "Hmph!" How Old School! Wait til she finds out I'm the upcoming lecturer and license examiner. ;)
I don't think I've ever had anyone try for a stealth photo of me. Or maybe they've been really skilled at it...
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Hi Jessica
Another Jess here. :)
I just wanted to say I was the same exact way as you are describing for the longest time.
It did take me 50 years to be who I am and I am pretty comfortable with it now.
One thing you have to remember is that YOU need to be happy. You are not responsible for making others happy about being who you are.
True Family and Friends will support you and have your back. Those that do not should not be in your Life...Period.
I learned that as time went on and when I came out to my Family and Friends.
Yes...When we all look in the mirror, we only see what we've seen our whole lives, BUT...we are changing to who we are. People notice even thou we do not ourselves. The mirror is our self-made worst enemy.
I get Mam'd a lot. I get smiles and Hellos from Guys and I'm like "Is this real?" "Am I seriously passing?" :)
It may take time but you have to live as yourself. No one is going to Live your life for you and we only get one chance at being who we are.
"Be who you are, not who the World want's you to be."
Next time someone stares at you, own up to it! Be YOU! Those stares are Jealousy! They are admiration! :)
Work it Girl! <3
So I'm guilty and honestly I feel terrible about it. Years ago I would stare, hopefully with some stealth but probably not, at people who I thought might be trans. Why? Taking mental notes if what I thought they did right and more importantly what they were doing to trigger my senses.
Until recently I had not realized the impact of being "caught" on someone's psyche.
So I think of it this way when a stare is a little too long or an attempt to hide it, they are taking notes and inwardly I know their secret and I smile.
They typically get embarrassed or just smile back. I'm no threat to them and I let them know it.
Try to have fun with it. Consider it a complement that they took the time from their busy schedule to notice you. It's a defence mechanism to reflect perceived "danger" to an advantage.
Quote from: JessicaK on January 27, 2017, 01:12:00 PM
I fear I'm out of energy, I'm not good enough, and others think I'm strange.
This is 100% wrong, sweetie. You
are good enough.
You don't have to make everyone around you happy, and think you're the best thing since sliced Hovis. Whatever other people think... that's on them.
Not you. You can't control what other people are going to think. No matter what you do. And this in itself is a hard thing to deal with. I know that.
You don't owe your life to anyone but yourself, hon. By the sounds of it, you're a very sensitive soul, and care deeply about the effect you have on others. I get that. Probably more than you realise. Going by your other thread, it seems life has taken a giant dump on your self esteem. The negative self talk has been creeping in. Am I right?
The thing is... the thing you think is giving you away to people... it isn't that. At all. I would be willing to bet that it isn't how you look or sound. It's been my experience that people pick up on moods or feelings, far more than appearances. I certainly do. I can always tell if someone looks like they're trying to hide something, or don't want me to see something. Or if someone is timid and looks like they really would rather crawl into a hole. I always wonder why. And it has nothing to do with how they look or sound.
It's a self fulfilling prophecy, sweetie. It really is. The more you think people are staring at you and wondering what's going on in your head, the more they will. Not because of who you are, but because you're behaving... more secretively, you know? Or... I guess more like you're not being who you know you can be.
It's like Ghandi said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." That's really the key. And I know it's hard. Especially if you're having self esteem issues. But if you're happy being yourself, and live your life that way, then that filters through into the way people see you. If you're confident in the way you look, and speak, and are happy in yourself, then subconsciously you don't give signals to people that "this person is acting a bit furtively, I wonder what's going on", you know?
It's no bad thing being self-centred, sometimes. If we can't love ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to love us? Your transition is for
you sweetie. No one else. You're not becoming who everyone else wants you to be. You're becoming who
you are.
You can get there. Hold on, okay? I know it's hard when ignorant people lash out at things they don't understand. But
you understand it. And that's the biggest part of all this. And the things that have happened to you recently have made you feel really bad about yourself. That was the whole point of it. To make you give up. To make you question yourself. Don't give these people the satisfaction, okay? You've come this far, you can go all the way. I believe in you. These people aren't worth losing yourself over. Not when you've come so far to find who that is.
Hold on to that. *huggles*
Hey
Thanks everyone for the kind words and life experiences. I'm replying on my phone, heading to Dublin for the day and trying not to panic or stress out. I'll reply once I'm home again.
Have a nice day.
Jessica
I totally get where you're coming from. It taps into one of the things I hate most about the 'forced' RLE element - i still don't feel comfortable presenting myself as me at this point because I'm still fighting the ravages of testosterone poisoning. It's partly paranoia about what people think, particularly as I don't feel I pass yet at all from a face point of view, but also a large part to do with the fact that i don't particularly want people to see me with the elements of my evil twin brother that are still masculine as I don't want to be seen by the wider world as 'trans'. I am female, and I want people not to be swayed by the slow progression from old to new. I said right from the start to my gender specialist that I wouldn't switch to permanent me full time until I had had the FFS I want done (nose mainly).
However, I must echo Sephirah and say that a lot of it has to do with confidence in yourself as well. Before I started my transition I went out dressed (quite sexily, actually!) a handful of times with a female friend who insisted I be true to myself. She quickly taught me (and I learnt through experience) that when you act normally and forget your faults, 95 per cent of people don't even notice you. She also taught me that those who do look longer than they should, or even give disapproving stares or s->-bleeped-<-s, really don't matter - it's their issue, not yours. I have always been a bit of a conflicted soul in terms of self-confidence - I like to hang back in the shadows a lot of the time, but I also never say no to a challenge and will push myself into all sorts of situations without a second thought when urged (ie, going on stage, going out dressed those first few times, throwing myself 220m off a dam in Switzerland with some knicker elastic tied to my ankles).
That's not to say I'm perfect - I still have confidence issues going out as the real me, but when I do I try to ignore the wider world and just feel confident in myself and act accordingly. It feels counter-intuitive, but it does work. People pay no attention to me when I'm just acting normal, doing my thing without a care in the world. I always feared it would be the other way round - that the more 'confident' I was, the more people would notice me and then judge me. How wrong I was.
There were some words I read on here a while back that really resonated with me, and which I still think of whenever I am having my wobble moments about presenting/passing and fearing that people are pointing at me. I can't remember if it was in a post or in someone's signature, but it came from a very wise head with a lot of experience and went something like:
"When I was in my 20s, I was worried constantly about what people thought of me. When I was in my 40s I stopped caring what people thought of me. Now I'm in my 60s I realise that people were never thinking about me in the first place."
I am at the awkward stage. Where I'm not trying to pass but I carry a purse and wear women's jeans and shorts with t shirts and hoodies. (Getting hard to hide the girls no that they are growing.) And women's sneakers. Don't own any men's shoes except for a pair of sandals. So I get the stares and the under the breath comments. But I am comfortable and feel like I am closer to being who I am supposed to be. I feel as long as it does not get physical. Forget them and what they think. It's their ignorance that will hurt them in the long run. Yes I think about what they could be saying. Like.... look that old guys got boobs. Or why is that guy carrying a purse. Or aren't those woman's shoes. But I know and you should too, that if they just got to know us they would love us too. So it is their loss. I think you are beautiful. Be thankful your not at my age. And remember you got us. All of us. Who love you like family.
Hey.
I won't start quoting everyone because i'll be here all day and honestly my energy levels are low today. I thank everyone that's taken the time to read and reply to my post. It really means a lot to me and helps me get out in public when i'm feeling miserable. Some words of wisdom have really helped over the last day or so. Acting like I have something to hide does seem to draw more attention, even tho I think my body language is the same, really odd.
I had a decent day yesterday.
Gem and I took the train to Dublin for the day. We had arranged to meet a few friends there but we took the later train as I can't get up really early. Pretty sure I B slapped Gem when she was waking me up haha. Our dog decided to have a few accidents in the house making up a bit tight for time. We got to the train station and got in the queue. I had drawn no attention so far and I was feeling ok. We got on the train and started the long journey to Dublin. The train was busy and by the 2nd stop we had people sit beside us. The older woman that sat down was nice enough, quite quiet but nice. More of her friends joined at the next couple of stops and they were chatting the whole way down. They drew no attention to me and didn't stare or anything so that was good. My hate of crows however was getting a bit much and you can't e-cig on the train.
By the time we arrived I was busting for the loo. I have avoided using public toilets this past month because of worry but we went into the ladies. It was really busy and we had to queue for them but no one said anything or stared so that boosted my confidence a bit. They were the cleanest toilets I have ever seen. I'd rather die before using male toilets again lol. 22 years of the wrong loos is quite enough.
We met up with our friends in the station and went out for some air and space because the crowds had become overwhelming by this stage. The rest of the day went quite well. We did a lot of shopping and I got new clothes. I found a dream pair of boots that I fell in love with...they were 219 euros...so I reluctantly put them back. Timberland knee highs. Oh lordy they were awesome. It was really busy everywhere so I think the crowds kind of hid me a bit. The transactions went ok. I really enjoyed being able to look through all the clothes myself.
(Something else I've noticed tho, I've only been gendered once since transitioning. I used to get called sir all the time but I rarely get anything now. Which I suppose might be a good thing, but it makes me worry)
I did my best to use my best voice, body language, makeup, clothes, etc. all day. By dinner time I was exhausted and my voice was failing a bit. On the train home it was nice and quiet. It was late so there were loads of drunks so I felt less safe. I was with friends tho so it was ok. If I was on my own I would have been pretty panicked and worried tho. A woman stumbled down the carriage and as she passed, she put her hand on my shoulder and said 'alright love' no idea how to take it so I just said a quiet hi. Soon after, a fancily dressed woman in red clothing came and sat beside us. She stayed quiet. A friend of hers came to her from the bar carriage and whispered something to her. The 'alright love' woman stumbled by and the red woman pretended to sleep. This started a conversation between my friends, myself and the woman in red. Apparently the 'alright love' woman was very rude to her so she needed space. She kept staring at me, not in a rude way, just like she was processing something. Which was odd because there were three others to look at who were talking more.
Trying to just be myself is helping but I still want to pass 100% because I see myself as female and want others too as well. Bloody biology and my <censored> brain, not realising myself until T wreaked years of havoc. I still hate how I look and can't see any way to start appreciating myself. Like, I know who I am now but I don't know if i can reach a place where i'll be content with myself. I feel like I need srs, laser hair removal/electrolysis, facial surgery/rhinoplasty...I just wish I could be content without stacking more pain to my future...which I mightn't be satisfied with either.
Maybe confidence will come with time and I won't need so much surgery (can't afford any non NHS ops anyway) but I've disliked myself for years before realising GD so a lot of damage has been done. Has anyone else been able to overcome any severe self hate over time? I don't feel trapped In the wrong body as much anymore but that feeling has been replaced with hatred of my features. I feel guilty too because I've transitioned and I haven't been able to raise my confidence and self esteem.
Many thanks for reading
Jessica x
Ha. I know my dogs did the same when they were younger. Lol. They would almost always do it when I was pressed for time. Your train ride sounded like it went well. At least to me. Just remember you have to believe you pass. No matter how much you actually do pass(and I think you do), you have to believe you do. Just by the pics of you I've seen here and on your blog I think you should have no problem passing. You are a woman. You know it. I know it. And it might be a surprise to you on how many other people think it as well. Just remember one thing. YOU ARE FEMALE!!
Hey
I got black Jeggings yesterday and I love them. I threw caution to the wind and put on my ankle boots. I do seem a little obsessed with black lol. Toned down the eyeliner a bit and changed my hair slightly to soften my features. Getting my eyebrows done later today, see if she can take hairs off the bottom to raise the ridge a bit maybe. Drs later for a couple of worries and had bloods done earlier to check for Iron depletion/Anemia and gluten intolerance (not sure why I had that one done haha).
Still paranoid about people looking and ridiculously negative about myself but slightly better than a few days ago.
Updated hair style :)
(https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZpJvTMxaJPU/WI9RzA1N00I/AAAAAAAAABA/izNP12ftkOIGpsZPXSGkZTnzDx6BPWvPgCLcB/s640/IMG_20170130_120021.jpg)
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Quote from: Norma Lynne on January 30, 2017, 11:18:55 AM
Just remember you have to believe you pass. No matter how much you actually do pass(and I think you do), you have to believe you do. Just by the pics of you I've seen here and on your blog I think you should have no problem passing. You are a woman. You know it. I know it. And it might be a surprise to you on how many other people think it as well. Just remember one thing. YOU ARE FEMALE!!
Thank you so much! You're too kind ;)
Jessica x
Its so ->-bleeped-<-ty Jessica, it will get better, heck I can't say though I am not out, but I have the fears as you have.
It really scares me, but we must be strong and we must move forward, if not we will never flourish and blossom.
And as much as you feel bad and paranoid about people judging you laughing at or even taking pictures of you, just try and imagine just how sad your life must be to pull any one of those acts on anyone. Just how pathetic are those absolute duds, it should make us even prouder that we are decent human beings who would never stoop to their level. Also we can be too paranoid, some may simply stay because you may have a uniquness that they find interesting, sometime we may just think it, and other times we may be right, but remember what those are? DUDS
On a more chill note, are you Irish Jessica? :O
Quote from: ChristineRachel on January 30, 2017, 01:10:49 PM
Its so ->-bleeped-<-ty Jessica, it will get better, heck I can't say though I am not out, but I have the fears as you have.
It really scares me, but we must be strong and we must move forward, if not we will never flourish and blossom.
And as much as you feel bad and paranoid about people judging you laughing at or even taking pictures of you, just try and imagine just how sad your life must be to pull any one of those acts on anyone. Just how pathetic are those absolute duds, it should make us even prouder that we are decent human beings who would never stoop to their level. Also we can be too paranoid, some may simply stay because you may have a uniquness that they find interesting, sometime we may just think it, and other times we may be right, but remember what those are? DUDS
On a more chill note, are you Irish Jessica? :O
Hey
Thank so much for the kind messages <3
I can't believe you're not out, you're so beautiful!
Yes, well kind of lol. I'm from Northern Ireland so I can get a UK & an Irish passport.
Jessica x
Jessica,
From the pics in your avatar and the pots here... I'd like to add another possibility. I've caught myself staring before, not because I thought someone was trans, but because they were freaking cute. And you are. If I saw you out on the street, I'd be glancing over and thinking something to the effect of, "Wow, she's hot."
I'll note that even straight cis women do this. Straight cis men don't. Straight cis women will admire another woman and think she's cute or hot or such without any actual attraction; it's simply appreciating aesthetics.
The only reason I know this, due to my background (AFAB, raised male cuz dad wanted a boy, totally isolated, long story), is because in my Sociology of Marriage and Family Life course, the subject came up in a protracted discussion. A LOT of straight cis women said they would appreciate another woman's beauty, even if they had no sexual attraction whatsoever.
So... maybe think on that? It's not always that someone's clocking you. It really might just be as simple as that you're a damn fine looking woman. (Which, I reiterate, you are. :) )
*offers hugs and cookies of choice* <3
Ha for now I just keep grinding away silently.
So your Nothern Irish, S'all the same.
I'm moving back home to Ireland at the later half of this year. I'm gona move into Derry though, some good oportunities their for me. I live normaly 10 mins across the border so I will still be close to family :')
Ohhh... this so reminded me of a Twiggy song... you're going through the early phases right now, and you'll pass in time...
Now, onto Twiggy *I think you can relate!!!* ((if you look at it as from a perspective of a transgender girl... it's pretty deep))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYzfsjLH83Q
Quote from: Vervain on January 30, 2017, 11:23:50 PM
Jessica,
From the pics in your avatar and the pots here... I'd like to add another possibility. I've caught myself staring before, not because I thought someone was trans, but because they were freaking cute. And you are. If I saw you out on the street, I'd be glancing over and thinking something to the effect of, "Wow, she's hot."
I'll note that even straight cis women do this. Straight cis men don't. Straight cis women will admire another woman and think she's cute or hot or such without any actual attraction; it's simply appreciating aesthetics.
The only reason I know this, due to my background (AFAB, raised male cuz dad wanted a boy, totally isolated, long story), is because in my Sociology of Marriage and Family Life course, the subject came up in a protracted discussion. A LOT of straight cis women said they would appreciate another woman's beauty, even if they had no sexual attraction whatsoever.
So... maybe think on that? It's not always that someone's clocking you. It really might just be as simple as that you're a damn fine looking woman. (Which, I reiterate, you are. :) )
*offers hugs and cookies of choice* <3
True. True....
it's normal for a female magazine to analyze a woman's look to the very finite details... you think men are going to care about another man's hints of "strawberry" blonde highlights in his hair??? lmao
I think it's partly because women can project themselves in her shoes more so than guys can project themselves into another guy's shoes.
Quote from: Wild Flower on January 30, 2017, 11:53:05 PM
True. True....
it's normal for a female magazine to analyze a woman's look to the very finite details... you think men are going to care about another man's hints of "strawberry" blonde highlights in his hair??? lmao
I think it's partly because women can project themselves in her shoes more so than guys can project themselves into another guy's shoes.
Dead on. There's also the internal thoughts of, "Damn, I wish I looked like that," which I neglected to mention. It's not uncommon among cis women. I don't think that trans is even on most cis womens' radar, outside of TERFs. Cis women have an entirely different social structure than cis men do.
I use the phrase cis women not to exclude trans women but because these unspoken social rules have existed for a long, long time. I know several trans women who pass and who don't make their trans status known who are 100% accepted into this social structure. It's hard as hell to learn. I was born female, but raised male by my father who wanted the "eldest son", and... well, the TLDR version is that I basically abused and tormented for the crime of being born female. I've had multiple trans women friends said my experience is almost exactly their experience growing up. I'm 32, and I'm
still learning that social structure -- and I've been working on it for a decade plus now.
So, I have an unusual perspective, being that I'm aware of both male and female Western social rules, cues, and structures. It comes in handy for stuff like this, but other times... it's really screwed me up. But I can tell for sure that part of transition is becoming yourself -- and that means you end up having to learn things that you've never considered before, because they're subtle. Some of em took me a freaking long time to learn, so I have a ton of sympathy/empathy. It's not easy, not one little bit.
Quote from: Vervain on January 30, 2017, 11:23:50 PM
Jessica,
From the pics in your avatar and the pots here... I'd like to add another possibility. I've caught myself staring before, not because I thought someone was trans, but because they were freaking cute. And you are. If I saw you out on the street, I'd be glancing over and thinking something to the effect of, "Wow, she's hot."
I'll note that even straight cis women do this. Straight cis men don't. Straight cis women will admire another woman and think she's cute or hot or such without any actual attraction; it's simply appreciating aesthetics.
The only reason I know this, due to my background (AFAB, raised male cuz dad wanted a boy, totally isolated, long story), is because in my Sociology of Marriage and Family Life course, the subject came up in a protracted discussion. A LOT of straight cis women said they would appreciate another woman's beauty, even if they had no sexual attraction whatsoever.
So... maybe think on that? It's not always that someone's clocking you. It really might just be as simple as that you're a damn fine looking woman. (Which, I reiterate, you are. :) )
*offers hugs and cookies of choice* <3
Thank you! I honestly hadn't considered this before because I'm so damn negative lol. It's really nice to hear from someone. I never seem to believe my partner Gem because my brain assumes she is biased. I must do her head in haha.
Thank you for your kindness <3
I'm sorry to hear about your upbringing. I'm so sorry you were forced into being male for so long. I can't imagine how difficult this would have been. You are incredibly strong to have gotten to where you are now. +1 role model!
Quote from: Wild Flower on January 30, 2017, 11:47:39 PM
Ohhh... this so reminded me of a Twiggy song... you're going through the early phases right now, and you'll pass in time...
Now, onto Twiggy *I think you can relate!!!* ((if you look at it as from a perspective of a transgender girl... it's pretty deep))
Love it! Don't think I've ever heard it before :)
Many thanks x
Is it normal to feel so much regret having missed a whole out on your whole childhood? I feel cheated out of so many experiences that I will never have now, and guilty because I didn't discover my gender dysphoria for so long.
I know my mental health, upbringing and lack of knowledge all led to a delayed discovery but I sometimes hate myself because I didn't realise earlier. Has anyone else encountered this before?
Thank you
Jessica x
Some more of my journey on my blog :D
link in my signature below.
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Jessica
Another bad start to a day.
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So I went to see a mental health professional today to review my meds as I need someone to manage them. I had heard good things about this doctor. He is Indian with a thick accent so I expected a bit of a communication barrier before going to the appointment.
He seemed nice upon meeting him and he used the correct name. I soon realised he was ignorant about trans issues and Gender Dysphoria. I was briefly explaining how my own family (and Gems') ha been difficult to deal with but things are looking a bit better with my own mum and dad. I explained how this caused more mental health problems etc. He said transitioning was a
personal choice such as (and I quote) 'It would be like your brother turning around and saying he's a drug dealer.' and that was his reason why my parents didn't accept it. I thought this totally inappropriate from a
professional.
I don't even know why I bother seeking help for my mental health.
For me, the decision to transition was life or death. I needed and still need this. It is no more a personal decision than breathing is, or having a heart beat.
So frustrated right now!
Daym!
Jessica
Quote from: JessicaK on February 02, 2017, 07:38:52 AM
He said transitioning was a personal choice
Anyone who says this doesn't understand transpeople or even gays and lesbians. Clearly, this is not a choice. It's who we are, we have no choice in the matter. Not going forward with transition or lying to oneself and the rest of the world can have disastrous consequences on our life.
Find someone else, is my advice to you. Someone who understands these issues better. :)
Quote from: JessicaK on February 02, 2017, 07:38:52 AM
Another bad start to a day.
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I don't even know why I bother seeking help for my mental health.
So frustrated right now!
Daym!
Jessica
Hun, he is ignorant. But there are very qualified gender therapists out there, and we gender-variant folk are well-served by these dedicated, empathetic, experienced, objective professionals. I too received horrid mental health care, as have most people that seek help, at some time or another. But we must not let these fools deter us, we need what we need. There are also gender therapists that work over the internet, that may be an option worth considering if you can't find somebody local..
Hang on, girlfriend, all these things take time, but once you have a proper team lined up, things will go much more smoothly for you!
Missy
Quote from: JessicaK on January 31, 2017, 06:51:56 AM
Is it normal to feel so much regret having missed a whole out on your whole childhood? I feel cheated out of so many experiences that I will never have now, and guilty because I didn't discover my gender dysphoria for so long.
I know my mental health, upbringing and lack of knowledge all led to a delayed discovery but I sometimes hate myself because I didn't realise earlier. Has anyone else encountered this before?
Thank you
Jessica x
Absolutely, I'm right there with ya.. Just an awful waste of a life, a horribly awkward youth spent trying to supress everything I knew about myself and -like i think Josie said in another thread- simply existing rather than living. I so badly regret not coming out at 12 when I started to really notice these feelings, or at 16 when I fully understood that I was, so that I could start repairing myself. ..And i'm FURIOUS at the only clinic in my country for taking a full 7 years from when I first contacted them and started going to apointments before they would start me on HRT, that has so drastically improved my life in just two and a half months.
But we can't just sit around regreting the past, and in a way we are some of the lucky ones that get to do this while we are still young with most of our lives ahead of us.. Lets try to look ahead <3
Quote from: JessicaK on February 02, 2017, 07:38:52 AM
He said transitioning was a personal choice
Get another one.. Just wow..
I am a big advocate of therapy though, if you find a good one.. It helped me a whole lot to find my way so far, and to keep me sane and balanced :)
Quote from: Floof on February 02, 2017, 03:59:54 PM
Get another one.. Just wow..
I am a big advocate of therapy though, if you find a good one.. It helped me a whole lot to find my way so far, and to keep me sane and balanced :)
They say the 'personal choice' line for legal reasons. There are many precedents existing where patients have gone back and sued because the doctors 'made them this way!' and used that as a scapegoat for getting cold feet and de-transitioning. (Nobody wants to lose their license.) There are also many precedents and documented cases (and members on this site) who have gender dysphoria and choose not to transition and still lead perfectly happy lives as there are varying degrees of dysphoria among different individuals. (For a lot of us, myself included, it was a brick wall that I was either going to crush my head against or break through it.) A lot of individuals forgo a lot fo the surgical aspects of transition for personal reasons or even medical reasons. No ones transition choices the right or wrong one. Just like there's no right or wrong version of HRT. It's a hard thing to treat, it's not the common cold. So everyones journey is different, and yes choice does play a large part of it.
The TL;DR version is, nobody likes getting sued. Physicians and Phsychologists aren't technically allowed to 'suggest' what to do about it. They say this not necessarily out of malice, but to legally protect themselves, hence the whole process of informed consent.
I will agree with you, having a good therapist is very important. My first one cried more than I did, and it really threw me off. She also had exactly 0 experience with gender related problems. She did right by me by finding me one that did and I've stuck with the new one ever since. They've been great.
Jessica,
In my experience, both with my gender issues and my trauma/DID issues, the best therapists guided me gently to a place where I inadvertently revealed my true thoughts, true feelings, true selves.
In DID therapy, this allows each alter personality to come forward, own their discrete memories, acknowledge the traumas that happened in their time, say their name out loud, express their pain, declare their gender, and come to know their place in the past, and then, within the present.
In my gender therapy, a similar thing occurred, when I felt safe to drop my shield, and pretenses, and fears about what might happen if I were to be completely honest with myself, without being concerned about how such truths would impact my family, friends, career, privilege, or imagined future...
I see this as the path toward a state of sustainable intellectual honesty, where one's truth shines brighter than the darkest clouds gathered above us by history, circumstance, and fear.
The reality is, once we open Pandora's box, we really cannot know in advance what we will lose or what we will gain, nor who we will find ourselves to actually be, or what our sexual preferences will turn out to be, nor whether our current relationships are going to prove to be unworkable, or even hurtful. We bargain the whole way, especially those of us with longer histories in a wrong gender, and so we plead and beg and negotiate for the least loss possible.
When I started my journey, I boasted that I was going to have the very first 'loss-free' transition known to humankind, and I thought I could, since I was xx intersex, and had been medically mis-assigned as male. So, I figured everybody would be sympathetic, and make any and every accommodation possible for me. I was wrong. It made no difference. I lost virtually everything, lol..
The one thing that Pandora had left in her box? It was HOPE...
That is why we must open it, otherwise, for so many of us, there will be no hope to sustain us...
You'll be fine, Jessica, you are doing great already..
((HUGS))
Missy
Quote from: Angela Drakken on February 02, 2017, 04:11:58 PM
The TL;DR version is, nobody likes getting sued. Physicians and Phsychologists aren't technically allowed to 'suggest' what to do about it. They say this not necessarily out of malice, but to legally protect themselves, hence the whole process of informed consent.
I suppose, my country doesn't have a culture of lawsuits so it didn't really cross my mind to be honest. The "like your brother turning around and saying he's a drug dealer" thing was kinda what really tipped it over the edge for me though, even for legal reasons I don't see why such a comparison was needed. Seems needlessly cruel and uncaring :(
I can relate--most here can. The most horrible, panic-striking thing is to recognize when someone stares a bit too long, and you fear you've been outed. Confidence helps, as does wearing a wedding ring (or at least a diamond), but in the end, we all just want to be accepted as women in our own right. I'd like to say it gets easier with time, but it doesn't. Only your confidence grows, and you accept your body more and more.
Thanks for all the support everyone!
Quote from: MissGendered on February 02, 2017, 01:39:31 PM
Hun, he is ignorant. But there are very qualified gender therapists out there, and we gender-variant folk are well-served by these dedicated, empathetic, experienced, objective professionals. I too received horrid mental health care, as have most people that seek help, at some time or another.
Missy
Thank you. I think it's crazy that people are in a job where they should be helping people yet they can be insensitive and ignorant. Thanks for sharing your insight and experiences.
I love reading about other people and their journeys.
Quote from: Floof on February 02, 2017, 10:56:04 PM
I suppose, my country doesn't have a culture of lawsuits so it didn't really cross my mind to be honest. The "like your brother turning around and saying he's a drug dealer" thing was kinda what really tipped it over the edge for me though, even for legal reasons I don't see why such a comparison was needed. Seems needlessly cruel and uncaring :(
Yes it was the addition of the example that was the most annoying and hurtful thing. Maybe his culture and beliefs came into it, I don't know :/
I had a good session with my counselor today. I was out in the town in my heals and it felt right. It was good.
Having a slightly overwhelming night however where past unresolved things are bubbling up. Talked to Gem about them and feeling a bit more at ease.
Hope everyone had a nice day and have some nice plans for the weekend.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdata.whicdn.com%2Fimages%2F60050550%2Foriginal.jpg&hash=549553a1b3e86d2d6ce9d0aa6bf70b1ffcf3abf1)
We have this on our living room wall <3
Jessica x
Quote from: JessicaK on February 03, 2017, 04:07:20 PM
I had a good session with my counselor today. I was out in the town in my heals and it felt right. It was good.
Having a slightly overwhelming night however where past unresolved things are bubbling up. Talked to Gem about them and feeling a bit more at ease.
Hope everyone had a nice day and have some nice plans for the weekend.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdata.whicdn.com%2Fimages%2F60050550%2Foriginal.jpg&hash=549553a1b3e86d2d6ce9d0aa6bf70b1ffcf3abf1)
We have this on our living room wall <3
Jessica x
Stay strong <3. That a Dolk? :D
Quote from: Floof on February 04, 2017, 04:36:09 AM
Stay strong <3. That a Dolk? :D
Always trying <3
Banksy :)
Jessica
Thank you back for the sympathies and comments. I never quite know where I fit, because my situation is so weird. I smiled at the role model comment. :)
As for the doc -- my psych is an Indian-born woman who immigrated here. She is fully knowledgeable about gender related issues. (Are you aware of the hijira in India? Trans women have their own place in that society/culture, even though it's definitely different and more of a third gender. But it's always interesting to me, at least, how other cultures approach trans issues.)
I have had to correct her on one cultural issue, which involved what is admittedly a complicated situation involving rape from a former partner, that I would probably have to explain to some American people too. But all she asked for was an explanation, because she didn't understand, and thanked me for educating her, basically.
Comments like comparing transition to drug use are not okay. I would not be comfortable with this therapist after a comment like that, and I wouldn't be able to trust them at all. That would make therapy pretty well useless. I suggest looking for a new therapist. There are plenty out there who understand trans issues, even ones from other cultures!
As others have said, relaxation matters.
This time of year is also the hardest. A few weeks after my social transition (work came a few months later), we hit a very snowy patch. I was going out in ski coat, jeans and walking boots to keep warm and not slip. Lots of 'sirs' because so few gender clues. At this time of year, in heavy winter clothes I can still get a 'sir' and it doesn't worry me because any woman whose figure is covered and dressed in a ski coat and jeans is likely to get a fair few sirs - if people are unsure 'sir' is safer than 'madam'.
Come the summer when you can be a thinner clothes, it will be a lot easier.
As for the looking, if you are obviously with a female partner, then will cause a fair amount of staring. I am Secretary to a local LGBTI group (out as L), and gay and lesbian couples all say that they get stares and things. So if people are staring there is a fair chance that it is because you have passed and people are staring at a lesbian couple. That's a concept which can take an awful lot of getting used to because we tend to read those stares as not having passed when they - or a large proportion of them - can be because we have passed.
Quote from: Vervain on February 05, 2017, 03:36:27 AM
Thank you back for the sympathies and comments. I never quite know where I fit, because my situation is so weird. I smiled at the role model comment. :)
As for the doc -- my psych is an Indian-born woman who immigrated here. She is fully knowledgeable about gender related issues. (Are you aware of the hijira in India? Trans women have their own place in that society/culture, even though it's definitely different and more of a third gender. But it's always interesting to me, at least, how other cultures approach trans issues.)
I have had to correct her on one cultural issue, which involved what is admittedly a complicated situation involving rape from a former partner, that I would probably have to explain to some American people too. But all she asked for was an explanation, because she didn't understand, and thanked me for educating her, basically.
Comments like comparing transition to drug use are not okay. I would not be comfortable with this therapist after a comment like that, and I wouldn't be able to trust them at all. That would make therapy pretty well useless. I suggest looking for a new therapist. There are plenty out there who understand trans issues, even ones from other cultures!
Hey Vervain
Thanks for the insight.
I've heard of a couple of cultures with third genders but had forgotten India was one of them. Hopefully when I get my name changed by Deed poll thing won't be as awkward and I can just omit the whole 'label' as such.
Definitely asking for someone else if I have to go back. Just makes my overall view of the health service pretty vile as this isn't my first bad experience in the mental health sector.
I'm so sorry <3
Quote from: Lancastrian on February 05, 2017, 09:48:26 AM
As others have said, relaxation matters.
This time of year is also the hardest. A few weeks after my social transition (work came a few months later), we hit a very snowy patch. I was going out in ski coat, jeans and walking boots to keep warm and not slip. Lots of 'sirs' because so few gender clues. At this time of year, in heavy winter clothes I can still get a 'sir' and it doesn't worry me because any woman whose figure is covered and dressed in a ski coat and jeans is likely to get a fair few sirs - if people are unsure 'sir' is safer than 'madam'.
Come the summer when you can be a thinner clothes, it will be a lot easier.
As for the looking, if you are obviously with a female partner, then will cause a fair amount of staring. I am Secretary to a local LGBTI group (out as L), and gay and lesbian couples all say that they get stares and things. So if people are staring there is a fair chance that it is because you have passed and people are staring at a lesbian couple. That's a concept which can take an awful lot of getting used to because we tend to read those stares as not having passed when they - or a large proportion of them - can be because we have passed.
Thanks Lancastrain
Very true, I tend to under-dress in to feel more feminine. Often leaves me shivering hehe. Can't wait for the warmer weather and longer days.
Great point, I hadn't really considered this before. Seems like a lot of my issues are in my head lol. No idea how to start fixing this :s Thanks for your insight!
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and reply. The support has been amazing!
Thanks!
Jessica
Feeling positively poop today :/
Got a 'later dude' earlier and there have been some updates of the whole family shenanigans.
Jessica
Quote from: JessicaK on February 07, 2017, 02:45:04 PM
Feeling positively poop today :/
Got a 'later dude' earlier and there have been some updates of the whole family shenanigans.
Jessica
God damn people.. Stay strong and vent to us if you need it pretty lady <3. Im so sorry you had an awful day, fingers crossed for tomorrow.
I can definitely relate. pre transition I had an androgynous look and I would often hear comments on the street like "is that a boy or a girl", people staring, in a few cases verbal harassment. I ignored all of them but it would hurt me a lot mentally. People seem to think I am a very calm person but that's definitely not the case. I just conceal my anxieties like that.
Now after dressing more feminine, trying to look more confident, doing a little makeup and HRT I've not been misgendered and no stares for a year but I am still not comfortable in every situation. Things definitely got better though. I am anxious in less situations now. Hopefully it will get better for you too. I don't think I would ever notice by your looks but maybe longer hair and more time might help.
Quote from: xFreya on February 10, 2017, 06:00:02 AM
I can definitely relate. pre transition I had an androgynous look and I would often hear comments on the street like "is that a boy or a girl", people staring, in a few cases verbal harassment. I ignored all of them but it would hurt me a lot mentally. People seem to think I am a very calm person but that's definitely not the case. I just conceal my anxieties like that.
Now after dressing more feminine, trying to look more confident, doing a little makeup and HRT I've not been misgendered and no stares for a year but I am still not comfortable in every situation. Things definitely got better though. I am anxious in less situations now. Hopefully it will get better for you too. I don't think I would ever notice by your looks but maybe longer hair and more time might help.
Hey
I know what you mean. Just because we can try ignore something doesn't mean it hasn't hurt us. Thinks will circulate in my brain for weeks or months sometimes. I'm sorry you had those experiences.
Sounds like you're doing really well now. Gives me hope for the future.
Thanks for your kind comments :)
Jessica
Quote from: Vervain on January 30, 2017, 11:23:50 PM
Jessica,
From the pics in your avatar and the pots here... I'd like to add another possibility. I've caught myself staring before, not because I thought someone was trans, but because they were freaking cute. And you are. If I saw you out on the street, I'd be glancing over and thinking something to the effect of, "Wow, she's hot."
+1
It takes time to ditch your two old friends, Shame & Guilt. I had two utter fail transition experiments in my early 20's. Failed mostly due to not being emotionally prepared. Whenever I was out all I could think was "Some Guy In A Dress". I'm sure there had to of been a sign saying that following me around.
These days when I am out, reveling in the joy of being out in the real world as the real me, and I get that little to long look I smile as I think how I didn't fool myself into thinking "Not bad looking for an old bat" as I took that last look in the mirror before leaving the house
.. jessica,
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Jessica, many have to come to terms with the fact that some may pass some of the time, some may past most all the time, and some may never pass. There are a diverse array of factors for this, some genetic, some might be learned behaviors/cues that are difficult to unlearn. Wherever you are on this spectrum you can't carry a potentially debilitating anxiety and fear over something that you 'may not' be able to change.. Eerly in my transition i found increasing confidence when clocked in turning graciously to someone , looking them directly in the eye and either saying nothing... holding a long stare OR asking if i could help them with any question they had.
The key in these cases is self-confidence and how you 'carry off' that confidence. Just a few thoughts for the journey. [emoji257]
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Thanks Joanne and kiersten.
Not entirely sure when my life became a slippery mountain of ****. Maybe it happened years ago and I just didn't realise. Maybe recent event have just pushed me over the edge. Either way, I'm on that mountain and I've come to the delightful realisation that this Earth is a cruel and nasty place indeed.
Granted there are many truly awesome, kind, caring, loving, generous people but the only people I've been encountering are of the scum variety. Society seems truly ****** in all honesty and I have no energy left for these people. I just seem to attract the worst people and general bad luck. I can also confirm that karma does not exist (Myth busted).
So me being me, and me being unable to work atm means I have damn all money and have had to sell my car.
I had a Peugeot 206 from 2015 to early 2016. It's life was a short one and in March it suffered from a violent accident in which the whole side of the car was neatly (umh hum) erased, or shall we say depressed into the car. The best part about this was that I was asleep at the time (no, not at the wheel). Asleep in my bed while the car was parked outside. My neighbor kindly took out the front panel of my car, then kindly kept driving all the way to the rear panel.
So 206 - insurance claim - time/effort - money
Then I bought a 207 after that. Little did I know but the claim would effect my insurance on renewal (this month). Also moving house (because of my family situation) and changing the address (which I forgot to do for a while) would drive up the insurance. Then I remembered my policy had business use so I changed to unemployed for medical reasons for the sake of honesty and they ADDED more the the ******* price! So I paid £570 last year for my 207 ins. This year (after installing an IMAGINARY twin turbo kit...yup) it went to £1400 with the same company. The best price I can find is £770 and £185 road tax. In conclusion we couldn't afford to keep 2 cars (my partners and mine) so I'm selling mine (at a very fair price). There has been no interest bar one seemingly genuine person who viewed the car today.
I had hoped for a nice civilized talk where they could see how well kept and loved the car was/is but NOOOO. The woman that was interested brought a friend along with an apparent ex mechanic friend. Immediately 3v1 was unnerving. The ex mechanic was an *** from the start and started criticising everything about the car. He looked under the bonnet (might be worth adding here, I love, and am interested in my cars and take a lot of care of them) and dipped the oil. Immediately he said there was water in the oil and that the head gasket (which was replaced under warranty during recall in 2011) hadn't been installed correctly and water was getting into the oil. He continued to make up BS about every aspect of the car and said he'd need a whole new engine (at 53000 miles). He held up the dip stick (much like himself) and said to watch for the water separating from the oil and running down...I saw diddley squat. When engine oil and water mix you get a distinct creamy coloured goop. He lied to my face the whole time and seemed so confident and intimidating I kind of believed him at the time, honestly I got really worried that my car was ferked. He offered half the asking price but I declined and said I'd need my mechanic to check it out before accepting such an offer.
After they left I asked the mechanics next door (very handy I know :P) to have a quick look. I was right and they were trying to con me. Felt like hugging the mechanic at this point as he had just prevented a financial induced panic attack.
So yea. When I tell myself 'It will get better' I seem to be wrong on most occasions, because In my world at least, things often get worse for no reason at all. Really eats away at your hope.
Having a **** day because of **** people. Story of my life lately. On the + side, they didn't misgender me at all! :)
My humor is an acquired taste but hope you enjoyed reading :)
Jessica
Well, there's an awful lot of good in the world. Not that it matters if you are a refugee or in a famine camp or on the streets. Thankfully, you are none of those. And you live in a country with free healthcare.
Of course losing your no claims bonus will affect your insurance. You should've agreed with the neighbour to settle privately - theirs will be compromised too now if it's any comfort. Unfortunately because of your age, the hit is yours to enjoy. That's just how it goes.
You've simply come across the standard type of person who buys a second hand car off someone - they played the game, and they didn't get anywhere. They'll be chalking it up as you are. If you think that's bad, wait until you try selling a house. Or buy one for that matter - you, your lawyer, and surveyor will be acting just the same! And why not.
Quote from: alex82 on February 15, 2017, 07:55:13 PM
Well, there's an awful lot of good in the world. Not that it matters if you are a refugee or in a famine camp or on the streets. Thankfully, you are none of those. And you live in a country with free healthcare.
Of course losing your no claims bonus will affect your insurance. You should've agreed with the neighbour to settle privately - theirs will be compromised too now if it's any comfort. Unfortunately because of your age, the hit is yours to enjoy. That's just how it goes.
You've simply come across the standard type of person who buys a second hand car off someone - they played the game, and they didn't get anywhere. They'll be chalking it up as you are. If you think that's bad, wait until you try selling a house. Or buy one for that matter - you, your lawyer, and surveyor will be acting just the same! And why not.
Awesome
A) I have an extra years no claims as the other driver admitted fault and my policy wasn't effected. I was told it wouldn't effect my renewal cost by my insurer.
B) Case in point.
A sad fact that terrible people will always be there, and that people are always looking to make/save money in sneaky and unpleasant or downright dishonest ways.. However there are a lot of kind, caring and loving people if you just hang in there and keep searching.
I'm glad you are wise enough to not just take their word for it! I certainly wasn't.. And badly over payed for what has turned out to be a complete rust bucket of a vehicle; even now its in the garage at my dads with a wheel missing because the rear break on the right side had a catastrophic failure due to rust.. That the mechanics didn't even catch when it was serviced less than a year ago ???
Sorry alex. I was in a really bad place last night and my mind took this the wrong way.
Thanks Floof. I'm just trying to figure out a way of avoiding these people as much as possible as my path seems to cross with theirs far too often. I wonder how to minimise my contact with these people until I get back on my feet.
Hope you get your car sorted soon. You might be able to get the parts you need from a breakers/car salvage yard?
Once I sell my car I'm just going to bank the money for a while. Can't quite face trying to buy just now :/
Jessica
Quote from: JessicaK on February 16, 2017, 09:43:45 AM
Sorry alex. I was in a really bad place last night and my mind took this the wrong way.
Thanks Floof. I'm just trying to figure out a way of avoiding these people as much as possible as my path seems to cross with theirs far too often. I wonder how to minimise my contact with these people until I get back on my feet.
Hope you get your car sorted soon. You might be able to get the parts you need from a breakers/car salvage yard?
Once I sell my car I'm just going to bank the money for a while. Can't quite face trying to buy just now :/
Jessica
No problem, I hope you get it sorted out.
There's nothing like a second hand car deal to bring out the tackiness in all parties. I'm pleased you said no. When you decide to get another one, just go to a reputable dealer, or if it's a private sale, preferably an elderly couple who no longer want their car and have no intention of stitching someone up. Those are the only times it seems guaranteed to be reliable.
I've been there, when I was your age, I paid cash in hand for a bucket of rust that I only needed for a few months. And it only lasted a few hours. Obviously I took it back, and of course they said "no, never seen you before, never seen this car". Just not my day. My next buy was a dream. Happens to us all.
Unfortunately there is no way to get through life without encountering the sort of people you are having problems with. We are all obstructed by people who choose to make others lives (and weirdly their own) more complicated than it needs to be.
You just have to get on with it. Try to remember that the world is finely balanced, and for every aspect of it, there is as much good as there is bad.