I would just like to know that I am not weird. When I have tried to dress in women's clothes, I find myself disgusted at the "man in women's clothes." It makes me feel worse about myself. I am not questioning whether I am trans, but I can'tell stand to look at myself wearing women's clothes and I hate my male body.
I can't wait to start hrt because of how "right" I felt when I was taking phytoestrogen. I just want to know that I am not alone feeling like this.
Thanks.
When I first started HRT I felt that way, too. Dressing as a woman just made my testosterone corrupted body more obvious to me. It didn't take too terribly long after HRT started for that to turn around and then dressing male started really bothering me.
Quote from: Dee Marshall on February 02, 2017, 02:46:46 PM
When I first started HRT I felt that way, too. Dressing as a woman just made my testosterone corrupted body more obvious to me. It didn't take too terribly long after HRT started for that to turn around and then dressing male started really bothering me.
That's eases my mind a bit. Thank you. I know how you feel. I see myself in women's clothes and all I see is "him." Then I get even more depressed.
I have to be honest. There was an in between time when I didn't look right to myself either way. I got through it with gender neutral clothes.
Yes, I always feel a bit upset when people say how wearing women's clothes makes them feel right. Most of the time for me it just makes me more aware of how my body is the wrong shape. Though I'm not on HRT, I imagine that would help a lot.
Oh, it does! As my shape has progressed I take increasing delight in how I look in women's clothing. I don't even own any men's clothing anymore. I do own some pre-HRT t-shirts.
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I think I know the feeling.
When I was normally presenting as male, and occasionally cross-dressing as female, I really still identified as a male and didn't want to accept that I was a transgender person. While I felt relief when dressing as female, there was considerable conflict at seeing the "dude in a dress" in the mirror. That definitely did not help, and seemed to intensify my depression, particularly when I changed back to male presentation.
As I learned more about my nature, I came to accept the reason why I felt better when I presented female, that I was just matching my presentation and deep seated gender identity, and I slowly came to accept myself. Unfortunately, THIS also intensified my depression when I had to leave myself behind and switch to a male presentation. The effect became severe as I spent more time as Michelle, to the point where when I had to put myself away and pretend to be him, I often found myself curled up in a ball on my office sofa, sobbing to myself for a while each time I changed. HRT didn't really improve this aspect of my life.
That pain is completely gone now that I am full time as myself. Between HRT and living my life on my own terms, I am much healthier and happier now.
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Let me think a minute, it has been more than half a decade since I was in that situation..
Ok, long before I knew I was actually female, I would periodically put on a piece of my ex-spouse's clothing on occasion, and pleasure myself, eek, and the results were always powerful orgasms and self-loathing..
If I was alone, though, and had the time and privacy, I could put on a skirt, and clean the whole house, and do traditional female work, and feel wonderful, and relaxed, and be very efficient. At one point, ten years before my diagnosis, I was convinced that if I could just wear women's clothing, I would finally find peace, but my ex came home from vacation, and that was the end of that, back to furtive, occasional release and guilt/shame.
On rare occasion, I would piece together a full set of female items and try to put on makeup, which always looked horrid, but if I squinted my eyes, I could imagine I looked okay. Then came the sexual release, and the whole self-loathing, and purging of the evidence.
After my initial 'trans' diagnosis, before my XX intersex reality and past history came out, I had the green light to experiment with female attire. I was then able to see my femaleness through the ugly male features, and then came even bigger sexual release, but now came fear of what it meant, not guilt and shame.
So, I ended up doing very little female dressing until after about 14 month of HRT, after I broke up with my ex, and went full-time. The incongruity just made my skin crawl. By that time, wearing male stuff was cross-dressing, and THAT made my skin crawl even worse, and since I was being gendered female in them in public anyway, they made me feel super creepy, so off to Goodwill all that crap went. It broke my ex's heart to see years of Christmas and birthday gifted male items tossed away like garbage, but I had to be free of all that, it made me super dysphoric to have any of it in my closet. That whole transitional stage was very rough emotionally, for both her and me. I wish with all my heart I could have shielded her from that pain. I really did. Hurting her and losing her was my biggest transition regret, but lying to her all those years still nags at me. I am trying to forgive myself, but it is hard..
Missy
When I was a teenager (decades ago) I tried cross dressing a couple of times, and both times I had this terrible feeling of dissonance looking at myself in a mirror. I figured it just wasn't my thing, and it was only a few years ago I realized it was disphoria. That appalling wrongness wasn't the clothes, it was me.
I can only wonder what life would have been like if I'd realized I was trans back then, but I had such mild feelings it wasn't normally noticable. Pity it didn't stay that way.
I eased into my feminine presentation over years, so i never really got the shock of the change. When i did start my transition there were things that were new to me and made me feel nervous. The first times wearing dresses/skirts in public for instance.
Makeup was one that frustrated me, my natural inclination is to go pretty light with it but without electrolysis or help from lasers, i saw some stubble staring back at me. Gradually i learned to get over that to the point i don't think about it and do look forward to getting it zapped some day.
The other thing that really helped my comfort level, and this is probably going to sound strange, was when i threw out all remaining male clothes. This sort of "burning the ships" moment made me commit to finding a style i was comfortable with and not having any male clothing in my wardrobe, forced me to use the clothing i had and then i quickly settled on a style i liked. My style is not overly feminine in my opinion, but think skinny jeans, boots or sandals and a variety of tops and you have a picture. Nobody says we have to go the extreme, unless we love that sort of style.
Having dressed in private initially as part of sex play and immediately finding that made me feel better about myself was part of discovery that I'm trans and ever since it's been mostly a relief from dysphoria.
It stopped being a relief and became dysphoric when I realized not transitioning had brought me back to being depressed. On beginning to address that it again became a net positive until I started HRT and then transition seemed so far off that dressing became dysphoric again - which doesn't mean I stopped, just it was the least painful route.
Now that I'm decided and GCS is just 3 months away, it's a bit mixed. I can't afford the wardrobe I'd like and yet dressing remains a must-do and mostly lessens dysphoria. I recognize it's a partial measure toward where I'd really like to be, sometimes it reminds me of how far there still is to go, still, it's the necessary option and compared to pre-transition I'm actively maximizing my non passing but still femme appearance out in the world.
Thank you all for your candid responses. It gives me hope that someday my incongruity will fade. I am closer to starting hrt...probably within the next two months.
The caterpillar is about to enter the chrysalis...
Quote from: NikkiB51 on February 07, 2017, 12:37:38 PM
The caterpillar is about to enter the chrysalis...
May your metamorphical slumber serve you well, young butterfly!
Missy
I crossdress every day to look male,my favorite times is when I can dress as myself and let my hair down.
I'm actually transitioning, but thought I'd give my two cents. Certain aspects of dressing help my dysphoria and others seems to make it worse. Personally, I hate referring to it as cross dressing because nothing feels in the least bit "cross" about it. When I'm around the house I always wear women's clothing now days and even when I'm out I'm always in women's underwear and usually a tank top or cami beneath my boy clothes. But when I dress I'm acutely aware of my body hair, so I practically always feel the need to shave my body (usually twice per week but I've been getting a little lazy and trying to force myself to deal with just once or just shaving the vital zones in-between full body shaves like hitting my chest & armpits.) My wig is what ends up causing me the most problems with my dysphoria. It's impossible for me to stop thinking about my own thinning hair while I'm wearing the damn thing, even though once I add a little makeup I'm basically totally passable. The worst part about dressing while I'm this early in transition is that it's only part time and every time I go back to boy mode or even just remove the wig, I get slammed with a wave of dysphoria that practically screams at me that I will never truly see the woman I am looking back at me when I look in the mirror.
Rambler, that 'slam' of dysphoria when I had to switch to male presentation was absolutely the worst. I'm full time now, and it is a massive relief to know that I don't have to do that again.
I use wigs, and I found that I rapidly adjusted to them, and as a full time person, I never take it off except for sleeping and a few seconds when changing clothes. I find that I avoid looking towards any mirrors when it is off. It goes on my head as soon as I get up (like, in 30 seconds). I have a favorite style that, when I put it on, gives me a happy feeling of "Oh, THERE I am!" looking in the mirror. Yes, I have two of these and a third very similar in color and length but 'dressier', and an older gray haired one I often wear just around the house.
We just do what we have to do to get by.
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Quote from: Michelle_P on February 09, 2017, 03:07:00 PM
Rambler, that 'slam' of dysphoria when I had to switch to male presentation was absolutely the worst. I'm full time now, and it is a massive relief to know that I don't have to do that again.
I use wigs, and I found that I rapidly adjusted to them, and as a full time person, I never take it off except for sleeping and a few seconds when changing clothes. I find that I avoid looking towards any mirrors when it is off. It goes on my head as soon as I get up (like, in 30 seconds). I have a favorite style that, when I put it on, gives me a happy feeling of "Oh, THERE I am!" looking in the mirror. Yes, I have two of these and a third very similar in color and length but 'dressier', and an older gray haired one I often wear just around the house.
We just do what we have to do to get by.
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It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling like that. I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm doing like everything in the book to turn my hair loss around but it's easier said than done, even when I can see signs of new growth. I just need to keep on being patient and try not to scrutinize over every individual follicle Everytime I pass a mirror. Hopefully things will be better after I'm able to start HRT.
It did for me. I did limited crossdressing for over 20 years and was nearly always alone and private. While I felt compelled to dress i would very often find myself in misery about how bad i actually looked. Mirrors! Oh I avoided them but the gauzy window reflections were ok. Purchasing accessories, like expensive breast forms, only accentuated my feelings of being fake. Dressing was never enough and I frequently purged and repressed the memories to the point that i simply forgot how long i had been at it till talking with a gender therapist. CD works great for some but I desperately needed to feel real. Oh do i treasure transition!
Thank you, Tessa. I feel exactly the same way. In a way, it is what led me tof my current understanding of my needs. Dressing didn't help because I wast not authentic. I was "fake." Yes, I could look through slitted eyes and pretend, but I could never be myself. I know hrt will not radically change my face, but it will change my body. I am working on changing my body before I start hrt. I am almost below 200 lbs (10 pounds down, 25 - maybe 30 - to go). On the move....
Quote from: NikkiB51 on February 10, 2017, 02:30:13 PM
Thank you, Tessa. I feel exactly the same way. In a way, it is what led me tof my current understanding of my needs. Dressing didn't help because I wast not authentic. I was "fake." Yes, I could look through slitted eyes and pretend, but I could never be myself. I know hrt will not radically change my face, but it will change my body. I am working on changing my body before I start hrt. I am almost below 200 lbs (10 pounds down, 25 - maybe 30 - to go). On the move....
Good for you! We are watching those numbers on the scale together. Maintaining a healthy weight has been a greater challenge for me after starting HRT. Seems I have more appetite but less muscle and aerobic activity...gotta change that and head outside right now! ;D
Tessa,
I'm finding that I tend to shy away from "prosthetics" in general for that reason of "feeling fake," Breast forms, wigs, etc. They just don't feel right, even though they help me see what I'm looking for. When I first started seeing my counselor she suggested I go into a local store in my area called Transformations by Rori. I ended up going in and talking to a gentleman there who gave me some good advice and all, but what he said before I left really got home that cross dressing didn't cut it for me. "Dressing up is just fun sometimes." It was like THATS THE DIFFERENCE. There's nothing fun about wearing women's clothes, I don't get excited, aroused, or anything like that when I put them on. (Other than occasionally feeling pretty/sexy) I want to wear them because I feel at home in them and want the world to see me for who I am. I know that as I progress in my transition, they will help me to present as a woman.
Quote from: Rambler on February 10, 2017, 03:24:18 PM
There's nothing fun about wearing women's clothes, I don't get excited, aroused, or anything like that when I put them on. (Other than occasionally feeling pretty/sexy) I want to wear them because I feel at home in them and want the world to see me for who I am. I know that as I progress in my transition, they will help me to present as a woman.
And that's it in a nutshell. When you are wearing women's clothing you aren't cross-dressing. You are simply dressing, getting your presentation aligned with your gender identity. The dysphoria, what Ann Vitale calls "Gender Presentation Deprivation Disorder", is alleviated and you get to just be yourself, no need to pump energy into a male facade or fret over that facade being breached. It's gone, and you are just being you.
There's less stress on yourself, and you are simply being yourself like almost all people, at last.
I have always had an aversion to women's clothing all my life, and a love of men's clothing, so dressing as a female in women's clothing annoyed me greatly. But yes, when wearing the clothing I actually want to wear (all the time now, since it's sorta easy to dress all in menswear as a young "girl" wiithout getting tooo many problems (just some mild confusion and plenty of homophobia) or having to come out as trans), it makes me feel real weird about my chest and my proportions and all sorts of stuff to a much greater extent. Because I just want to fit how I imagined I would look in the clothes.... These are things I never thought about to such an extent in women's clothes because I was just trying to look socially acceptable to other people. When I was wearing women's clothes i was anxious about people judging me instead... Like, have I put on an acceptable outfit to not be singked singled out for being weird and awkard and not right like other girls. In men's clothes i fel like i am dressing perfeftly to express myself but then my body becomes the more obvuous isssue. So yes, I agree with the sentiment.
I don't know how to feel about it, honestly. I put on a dress (in private) the other day, I look and feel like a boy in a dress. I like formalwear (dress shirts, ties, blazers) but I look too young to be wearing that and it looks weird. In that sense I feel cosplay is sort of an outlet, since the characters I choose tend to dress formal. However, even though generally in those outfits nobody questions my gender and I also pass as the characters pretty well for some reason, I still feel weird and self conscious. The problem is my mind more than other people, I just can't put it to rest.
I have been reading the responses to this and I have come to a realization. I need to restate the original question. Does dressing increase tour body dysphoria? I realized that is the case for me. It eases the mental dysphoria, but increases the dysphoria over my body.
Thanks for helping me clarify that in my mind.
Quote from: NikkiB51 on April 01, 2017, 02:16:38 PM
I have been reading the responses to this and I have come to a realization. I need to restate the original question. Does dressing increase tour body dysphoria? I realized that is the case for me. It eases the mental dysphoria, but increases the dysphoria over my body.
Thanks for helping me clarify that in my mind.
Yep, I feel that way. Mentally I feel like I am channeling masculinity and being myself - great! But with my body, it just makes me more aware of my female body. I feel like there are parts of me that are making me look sorta comical and ruining how i wanna look.
Before hrt DEFINITELY. That thing with the "man in woman's clothes" feel was a big thing before hrt. The best way I coped with it was to wear near andro clothes but on like the slightly feminine side. Going full time at hrt start would've been too hard in the beginning.
I absolutely think "cross dressing" increases dysphoria. I don't think you necessarily mean cross dressing, but rather the difficulties of finding clothes that feel comfortable while transitioning.
Like the other posters have noted, it calls attention to the parts of your body which you don't like. I agree with the comment that HRT will eventually help. A more immediate solution is to be more subtle about your clothing choices. I wear nothing but women's casuals. I would LIKE to be able to wear more variety in clothing options, but at this time it doesn't make me feel good. It also doesn't help me be passable.
I absolutely agree with the post about not wanting to wear wigs or prosthetics. This is the same reason I choose not to wear make-up even though I could mask my 5 o'clock shadow. It also helps me focus on the actual priorities I have. Wearing a wig would distract me from regrowing my own hair. Using make-up would make electrolysis seem less urgent, and believe me it is a VERY URGENT concern of mine.
Quote from: Axolotl on April 24, 2017, 10:37:48 AM
I absolutely think "cross dressing" increases dysphoria. I don't think you necessarily mean cross dressing, but rather the difficulties of finding clothes that feel comfortable while transitioning.
Like the other posters have noted, it calls attention to the parts of your body which you don't like. I agree with the comment that HRT will eventually help. A more immediate solution is to be more subtle about your clothing choices. I wear nothing but women's casuals. I would LIKE to be able to wear more variety in clothing options, but at this time it doesn't make me feel good. It also doesn't help me be passable.
I absolutely agree with the post about not wanting to wear wigs or prosthetics. This is the same reason I choose not to wear make-up even though I could mask my 5 o'clock shadow. It also helps me focus on the actual priorities I have. Wearing a wig would distract me from regrowing my own hair. Using make-up would make electrolysis seem less urgent, and believe me it is a VERY URGENT concern of mine.
I agree to much of this. Being subtle and "realistic" is important. Although many of us have dreams of wearing a beautiful gown to a formal affair, dressing appropriately and what average CIS females wear for a situation should help you feel more comfortable. Look around and "most" woman wear jeans, leggings or yoga pants and casual tops whenever possible. Sure, formal occasions or certain business atmosphere's make sense to dress-up, but not lounging around at home on the couch. To me, that would feel awkward and uncomfortable because it's unusual as a woman to do so.
As for prosthetics, I wear breast forms because it helps with shape...but i could never get comfortable with using wigs, no matter how realistic and "high-end" they were. They just threw me over the deep-end.
This feeling hold me away from comming out as transgender for tha last 7 years, thould past 20 its over, but when my girlfriend let me wear a dress in january while we were together i first looked into a mirror and thought, maybe it can work out
Dr. Harry Benjamin noted this phenomenon over 50 years ago in his famous work The Transsexual Phenomenon.
The full and complete transsexual (S.O.S. V and VI) finds only temporary and partial relief through
"dressing." I have even met transsexuals who would not "dress" at all." What good is it?" they said; "it does not make me a woman. I am not interested in her clothes; I am only interested in being a woman." That is the true transsexual sentiment.
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 27, 2017, 08:52:31 PM
Dr. Harry Benjamin noted this phenomenon over 50 years ago in his famous work The Transsexual Phenomenon.
The full and complete transsexual (S.O.S. V and VI) finds only temporary and partial relief through
"dressing." I have even met transsexuals who would not "dress" at all." What good is it?" they said; "it does not make me a woman. I am not interested in her clothes; I am only interested in being a woman." That is the true transsexual sentiment.
Kind of obvious to me now, but I wish I'd known that 30 years ago.
Depends. I wont publically go out in drag, but occassionally might wear a pink shirt or shoes or something. i have a really cool hot pink and black plaid flannel shirt that I love to wear, another one a dark gray hoodie with pink strings. Back when I wore "girls" clothes I had clothing that leaned masculinely so much so my mom was always mad at me.
When not out in public and dressing at home, or maybe out in a club, I do like to crossdress and go femboy, things like thigh highs, lace, armsleeves, etc. I dont have any of the sort but I might not dislike miniskirts and cute girly clothes. Of course, I havent really done this much at all, wast planning to until I transitioned better, since I have I wouldnt mind picking that up again but there just isnt a time for it.
Overall I say Im only into girly frilly stuff as a sexy thing, but I dont think Im all that flamboyant, just a guy who you'll probably catch wearing that forbidden color now and again.
Edit: Totally misread the original post and went off the title but there's my response. Oh well.
Quote from: NikkiB51 on February 02, 2017, 02:30:17 PM
I would just like to know that I am not weird. When I have tried to dress in women's clothes, I find myself disgusted at the "man in women's clothes." It makes me feel worse about myself. I am not questioning whether I am trans, but I can'tell stand to look at myself wearing women's clothes and I hate my male body.
I can't wait to start hrt because of how "right" I felt when I was taking phytoestrogen. I just want to know that I am not alone feeling like this.
Thanks.
That dreaded "Some GUY in a Dress...." feeling. Oh How I know it well. Oh how I know how effective it was in putting an end to my two transition "experiments" in my early 20's and now perhaps some 30-40 years later my third shot at life.
I relied on low dose HRT on/off several times over the intervening decades in order to survive. I've been on full feminizing dose for about 8 years now. With a very MINOR amount of authority as well as being (today) a somewhat reliable metric....
All the HRT in all in the World will not help you loose that feeling. Having, In Part s I do, the body of a woman does not. What does help, and REQUIRES a ton of work, is fixing yourself from the inside, and after that the outside does not (OK it does some) matter all that much.
After a some.... almost 30 year period(?); I cannot find the words to describe the absolute joy..... No Peace of My Soul, of being out in the real world as the real me. All while being the same same 6ft tall, no surgery, big everything person I was 30 and more years earlier.
I guess.... The best way for me to explain it was before I felt I was faking it. It took 30 years for me be feel like I was Genuine.
Thank you all. I think I understand things better now, especially the whole Harry Benjamin part. I will take a try at an andro look with feminine colors until I can start hrt. It is also nice to know that others feel the same.
For me from 1963 on up, can't say dressing had any relief or more dysphoria.
My worst came later in 1974-1976, HRT - Electrolysis - Hair down to almost shoulder length and spending more and more time as a woman in public. Worked shift work, so during day-time I could take adult learning courses, took things like machine sewing and such. Was able to attend as a woman among other women. Even got my partner to take a needlework class. As I got closer to the time to come out at work. The Monday - Friday changing back to men's clothes made it worse.
After I came out to work and had to wait for them to decide when I could work as a woman, was the worst. A period from DEC 76 - MAY77.
Yes, the dysphoria associated with crossdressing became overwhelming for me. Worse than any intrinsic dysphoria I had to begin with. The cycles of dressing for relief followed by intense rebound of dysphoria went in a crescendo until unbearable. Like others, I obtained no erotic stimulation from it. It was not a sexual thing in any way for me, jut a realization and expression of femininity. Initially, it seemed to have a dysphoria relieving effect but soon any sort lasting relief was overshadowed by a tsunami of reactive dysphoria when returning to my male role. That is when I started therapy.
With a fair amount of psychotherapy and a lot of meditation and introspection, I got to a place were I'm not feeling pressed, of in fact, wanting to crossdress, not dysphoric over my male presentation on a day to day basis. I often will see a very attractive woman, an article of clothing or some other evidence of the feminine and have a passing thought where I might wish I were living in a feminine role but not resulting in a wave of dysphoria.
Many have warned me that this may not be a stable solution, dysphoria being a nasty demon that more often than not refuses to be caged and controlled. I am aware of this, not in denial over my TG nature, but have at least found a practical path forward that seems to be working well. I am ready to confront the demon as needed.
In a different life, transition might have made a lot of sense for me. Where I am now, it does not and would leave my life in ruin.
I don't want to take anything away from those who are saying that HRT produced changes which made them more comfortable expressing themselves in their new gender.
For me though, what got me comfortable with feminine self-expression was mostly practice. I was never trained to present as female, so it took some work. In my case this took the form of shopping consistently in some of the same stores, getting to know the sales staff to the point where they knew how to advise me and I felt comfortable taking their advice.
I am on HRT, but I am of such an age (and height >:() that it hasn't changed my body enough to make women's clothes suddenly fit me. Most of them still don't. I have, however, figured out what to buy and how to layer. My son recently commented that I seem to have found my style, and he's right. I know how to do what I do.
If HRT gives you curves, count your lucky stars. Otherwise, figure it out in the dressing room.
Until last year I had never heard of dysphoria all i knew is I hated my penis. I hated not being understood. I hated withdrawing from my family and what few people I was able to make friends with. It is something I never put much time into because of my guilt, I hated losing my first wife. I hated the nagging feeling that something was not Kosher in my life. My life had no outlook. Everything was directed inward. I longed for the days when Mom would dress me up and give me compliments on how pretty I was. Since I started HRT, I have never been more normal. Today when I dress up it is a celebration of a victory over my inner demons and the demons are not in being a crossdresser or transgender. The demons are not embracing it early. One in which I finally find myself, after 64 years of searching. Thanks to luck I met my present wife 35 years ago. She has been one of the few people to try and understand me. And she loves me in spite of myself.
So No Crossdressing does not make me dysphoric.
Yes, I'm pre everything and have crossdressed 4 or 5 times only. 4 of those were in Halloween so I was fully made up and felt good about myself but the last time was me just trying girl clothes to see how I felt and I felt nothing but an urge to take them off since I looked like a dude in a dress, just ridiculous. I won't even attempt wearing female clothing again until I'm a few months on HRT.
Without HRT, I find crossdressing can cause acute dysphoria in the moment, but on the other hand partially relieves chronic gender dysphoria overall. I kind of have low expectations of HRT's effects at 32, so I want to do as much as I can beforehand and not rely on it. :P
They are just clothes you put on and wear. If you have the dude in a dress mentality you will always have that mentality...when I dress it's a relief like a switch has been turned on and I can let my hair down per say. Can I ask do you have this mentality when wearing jeans and t's
Skimming through this thread I'm starting to feel the strange one here. I cross dressed almost all my life. I believe it was my coping mechanism. I wanted to be a girl, I wished I could be a girl but I never had the feeling that I was a girl. Cross dressing was my way of feeling like and being a girl for a short time. For the longest time I had myself convinced it was all I needed. When I was dressed my make world and worries ceased to exist for a bit. I could be someone else without all that male responsibilities. I didn't have to be the Dad, the husband, the man with all the pressures that came along with those jobs. I was free to be someone else. I didn't know at the time that that someone else was me.
So no cross dressing didn't make me dysphoric, it helped me survive until I found myself.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: cheryl reeves on May 14, 2017, 11:18:03 PM
They are just clothes you put on and wear. Can I ask do you have this mentality when wearing jeans and t's
The clothes don't make the woman. I am a woman even if I am naked. I sometimes wear jeans and Tee-shirts or Tank-tops, and don't feel any different.
If I wore male clothes I would feel very awkward. Have not will not attempt that.
Uncertain of my gender right now, but I've experienced something like this. I'm AFAB, and when I wear highly masculine clothes I feel that it just emphasizes how feminine my body and face are. But I don't like wearing highly feminine clothes for the same reason. Androgynous outfits feel much more comfortable.
Considering I just came out of the most challenging months of my life... yes. Though, I suppose more accurately it greatly amplified my dysphoria because so many clothing items just couldn't work. It helped to find my two outfits that were unquestionably female but did not look out of place on my terrible body. Those got me through the period of no HRT and beginning weeks. Recently I found one old shirt of mine that somehow didn't get donated. I tried it on and looked completely different, I saw a crossdressing female, and I went to tears because it was probably the most feminine and affirmed I've ever felt.
I might not totally like how I look (not really, I usually like my looks), but I love how I feel in a skirt, some blouse and heels and (it always comes in a package to me) without any appropriate self-imposed male-behavior norms (hey, I just broken the biggest taboo!). I suddenly become released from any need to hide my feelings, become free to express myself, get relaxed and generally happy for no apparent reason
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Quote from: elkie-t on June 19, 2017, 01:55:54 PM
I might not totally like how I look (not really, I usually like my looks), but I love how I feel in a skirt, some blouse and heels and (it always comes in a package to me) without any appropriate self-imposed male-behavior norms (hey, I just broken the biggest taboo!). I suddenly become released from any need to hide my feelings, become free to express myself, get relaxed and generally happy for no apparent reason
Hmmm... Sounds like someone got their gender presentation lined up with their gender identity. ;)
This sounds very familiar. Now, imagine how happy and, yes, empowered you might feel after being yourself for several days, even months, without having to step back from this state. This, I think, drives some of us to ultimately decide to move to transition. It is an incredibly powerful thing, discovering peace and happiness within ourselves, and I think it is OK to accept and follow that path for those of us for whom it feels appropriate.
Interesting to read the responses here. I'm sorry to those who experience dysphoria. For me, it's about how it makes me feel, which is at ease with myself. When I look in the mirror, I see a resemblance to the females in my family (more than the males), which makes me feel that I could have easily been born a girl. As a child and teenager, and even in my early 20s, I was often mistaken for a girl/young woman. Don't know, maybe my testosterone levels are lower than average.
Prior to transition, I rarely cross dressed and yes, I looked like a man in a dress. I was way overweight. Cross dressing never did anything for my dysphoria. Not that I am post op, I usually wear shorts and a t-shirt. I am just comfortable, that's all.
When I do dress up, I wear clothes that fit and with over 2 years of HRT and weight loss, I look like a woman in a dress. Many people do not notice or even care.
I wonder if I weren't feeling so mixed up about this if I hadn't bought silicone forms. When I put them in and the weight drags my chest down, and my arms bump up against them, this charge goes through my body. What I see in the mirror otherwise doesn't have quite the same effect. I want to buy some simple corsets and see some semblance of curves. If I just wear a tight top and pull the fabric in something similar happens.
I bought a ton of clothes on the cheap and like having such a variety of outfits around, the feel of the different shapes and softer fabrics. Dressing up I still enjoy, but wearing male clothing in public is starting to bother me. I stopped underdressing on the job for a while, since my work clothes are unisex - then thought about it and started underdressing after all. I practice things like raising the pitch of my voice at the end of sentences and crossing my legs at the ankles, too. Dunno if anyone is picking up on things like that, don't care either.
I think every other response here concerns reactions to the visual; my dysphoria - or euphoria, or something - seems to manifest itself in the tactile instead. I've always been utterly desultory about my personal appearance, even before starting to crossdress at the age of 12, so perhaps I'm just dull in the visual sense in some way?
Quote from: MissGendered on February 07, 2017, 11:13:48 AM
Let me think a minute, it has been more than half a decade since I was in that situation..
Ok, long before I knew I was actually female, I would periodically put on a piece of my ex-spouse's clothing on occasion, and pleasure myself, eek, and the results were always powerful orgasms and self-loathing..
If I was alone, though, and had the time and privacy, I could put on a skirt, and clean the whole house, and do traditional female work, and feel wonderful, and relaxed, and be very efficient. At one point, ten years before my diagnosis, I was convinced that if I could just wear women's clothing, I would finally find peace, but my ex came home from vacation, and that was the end of that, back to furtive, occasional release and guilt/shame.
I have had very similar experiences, which is what has led me to believe I may be a cross dresser and not trans. What got you over the hump, if I may ask?
Quote from: AnonyMs on February 07, 2017, 11:27:09 AM
When I was a teenager (decades ago) I tried cross dressing a couple of times, and both times I had this terrible feeling of dissonance looking at myself in a mirror. I figured it just wasn't my thing, and it was only a few years ago I realized it was disphoria. That appalling wrongness wasn't the clothes, it was me.
I can only wonder what life would have been like if I'd realized I was trans back then, but I had such mild feelings it wasn't normally noticable. Pity it didn't stay that way.
When did your feelings start to become stronger, if I may ask?
Quote from: baseballfan on June 23, 2017, 09:18:37 AM
When did your feelings start to become stronger, if I may ask?
You're responding to posts made back in February, so you might want to PM the poster if you really want a response.
You know, I've tried to respond to this thread a couple of times since it was first posted, and every time I end up deleting it for one reason or another. For me, this is a touchy subject. The short answer is that yes, it increases the sense of wrongness I feel associated with my body image in relation to how I feel it should be.
Now to complicate things, the long answer is no. Most of the pants and shorts I own are "women's", same goes for socks and undies (in fact I don't own male underwear, TMI, I know). Essentially, most of my clothes are "women's". Obviously it's not about the clothes, it's the body they're on.
It depends...
Sometimes I'm fine just wearing a long skirt around the house. Other times I have to be wearing all womens clothes, and I'm good. However, other times I get so disgusted with dressing feminine around the house because I feel like "just a hideous crossdresser" which makes me feel totally inadequate.
Being non-binary sucks.
I hate looking at myself in the mirror when I crossdress because I totally look like a man dressed up like a woman. Makes me feel even more that it sucks to be TG!
I'm pretty new here and just found this thread. The topic of cross dressing causing heightened dysphoria came up during my first therapy session. My therapist asked if I had any history of cross dressing and I answered yes. We talked a bit about it and I mentioned that I had stopped doing it years ago. She wondered why. So I explained that it just made the feelings more intense and I felt almost out of control when it got that intense. Scared of it becoming a major depression trigger, I stopped doing it. Part of me would really like to still, but I'm not at a point where I feel I can without it causing problems emotionally.
Quote from: karenk1959 on August 10, 2017, 12:32:07 PM
I hate looking at myself in the mirror when I crossdress because I totally look like a man dressed up like a woman. Makes me feel even more that it sucks to be TG!
^^^ This totally!
Quote from: WhatAmI? on August 13, 2017, 04:36:48 PM
^^^ This totally!
Agreed. Nothing hurts quite like having to see my reflection when I dare to express my femininity. While at the same time nothing really dulls the dysphoria except expressing it through dressing. It sucks. Every bit of being trans sucks (to me).