First off, I want to thank anyone who takes the time to read this. I know I am new to your community and I am just barging in here asking for input without having participated yet. I am having a hard time processing my personal feelings and I am not ready to go to people I know in real life about them. I hope some of you will take the time to give me some feedback, but if you aren't able to I understand.
Second, before I start I want to commend all of you trans folks on this board for your bravery in having the courage to be yourself. I have never met a trans person in real life (that I know of) and I have always wanted to tell them that. Those who have had the courage to be who they are.....that takes more guts than most things on this Earth. It is absolutely amazing. Just the act of being true to yourself in this setting shows amazing strength. When you feel discouraged, remember that you are amazingly strong.
Now for why I am posting this message. Here goes. I don't really know where to start but I will try and keep it as brief as possible. We'll see how that goes.
My name is Joe and I am, outwardly, a pretty standard 30 year old heterosexual male. I work in a male-dominated industry (sports), I have a girlfriend, I love watching and playing sports, beer, concerts, etc. My deep dark secret, as you may have guessed, is that I have.....lets say a pretty strong feminine side. I'd almost describe her as an alter ego, and I call her Jessica.
I can remember sneaking into my sister's room and cross dressing from a very early age. I would wear bathing suits, skirts, dresses, hose, etc. Sometimes when I was feeling really brave I would let Jessica out for an entire night and wear hose and panties underneath my sweats when I went to sleep. I was always enthralled by girls, the way they talk, the way they see the world, the way they dress....everything about being a girl. Sometimes as a kid I used to fantasize as I went to sleep that I would wake up as a girl. But that wasn't a constant. Jessica wasn't a constant. I grew up to be a relatively normal boy....playing sports....dating girls....etc. And I didn't constantly feel a nagging or anything. I was pretty comfortable in my own skin.
As I got older the feelings didn't go away, but they subsided a bit. I discovered the internet and my porn would be sites like fictionmania. I would still cross dress or fantasize a lot, but I always pretty easily fell back into my "normal" male self. Jessica was a part of me, but not to the point that I was getting depressed. In fact I was quite happy as a boy. I read about transgender folks online and I read that people who were transgendered felt a constant nagging.....a constant depression....they never felt comfortable in their own skin. I decided that I wasn't transgender because, even though I fantasized about being a girl.....I was still happy and able to function as a boy. It wasn't an all-encompassing feeling. I decided that it was just a kink of mine, and I was not a "woman trapped in a man's body" as it is so often described.
Without going into too much detail, because this is super long already, my life mostly progressed like that. I graduated college, and I got a job. I would continue to fantasize and let Jessica out (although now that I wasn't at home with access to women's clothes I cooled it on the cross dressing), but otherwise led a standard male life. I had a close female friend who was a very accepting individual that I would fantasize about telling my secret to and she would help me dress and do makeup and we would hang out as girls from time to time in my fantasy. I very easily could have done that and that is probably exactly how it would have turned out. But I never had the courage.
Anyway, that has pretty much continued until recently (the last 6-9 months). The part of me that is Jessica has been on my mind more and more often. She is starting to assert herself more and more, and is becoming more of a constant presence. It is getting to the point where I am more and more constantly aware of this part of me, and constantly thinking about it. At work I think about how the job would be if I were a woman. When I am out I see the women at the bars and think about what it would be like to be them. I fall asleep thinking about that fantasy I used to have of coming out to my close female friend (who is now married and living in a different state). Where in the past I could put that part of me on the backburner in the back of my mind for long periods of time, now I can't do that. It is something I am constantly aware of. This has just started the last six to nine months.
As part of that, it has (very slowly) gotten me to start questioning my lifelong assumption that this is just a kink. I have started to seek out articles and message board posts that contain the stories of actual people who have gone through transition.....and I am learning that some folks stories are more like mine. They maybe were very comfortable in their own skin, even happy, but they just didn't feel fully content. I am seeing there is more grey area sometimes than I thought. People don't necessarily feel an overwhelming yearning constantly all the time. One day, in the last couple weeks, I was reading one of these stories (I think it was about Vivienne Ming) and I just had a thought pop into my head "Wait, am I trans?" Up until this time, I had never really had that thought seriously before....since I was a kid I had always just thought of it as a kink. But as these thoughts continue to get stronger and stronger in me, and I become more and more constantly aware of my thoughts and feelings, I have started to wonder if maybe it isn't just a sexual kink. Maybe I am trans and have just used this to deny it to myself. That said, I am still comfortable as a man. I have led a pretty successful life thus far....and I am able to function quite well. So I don't know.
Honestly, no matter what my final conclusion is, I doubt I have the balls (or lack thereof haha) to actually do anything about it. But regardless, before I can even start to entertain those thoughts....I have to figure myself out.
So I guess my question for this board is....what was your experience? How did fully discover/admit to yourself you are trans? Was it a constant feeling since birth? Do people commonly compartmentalize it like I have described and not come to terms with it until later in life? Or is the fact that I have been able to push it into the back of my brian kind of make it sound like my original thoughts.....just a kink. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Thank you again for taking time to read my novel :) Just writing it out and putting it out there in public, even with the anonymity, has been very therapeutic. To anyone who has gotten this far thank you!
Much love,
Joe/Jessica
Hi Jessica, welcome to Susan's Place! I've been a member here for seven years, I've been looking at the site for nine. The only thing I didn't see in your post was the military hitch so many of us serve. You came to the right place, and you're among friends here. By the way, you're pretty courageous too in my book. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Joe/Jessica.
Welcome to the forum. Your story sounds very typical, and much like mine. Only in my case, I was able to stay in denial about it for another 30 years. I kept asking the question, "Am I trans?" and kept answering, "No way!" Finally, at age 61, I realized that the honest answer was yes.
But yes, what you are feeling is what most of us felt. We didn't all come out to our parents at age five, like the media darlings do. We mostly tried to keep it in the closet until it wouldn't stay there any more.
Everyone has different needs and wants and complications and compromises, and a solution that works for one is not necessarily right for another. So I would recommend doing some investigation of yourself with the help of a gender therapist to explore what would be a good path for you.
Hi Joe/Jessica
Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.
Wow sounds like you have put a great deal of thought into this. I have a failry classic tale, knew when I was 4 or 5 that I was a girl, Made two other attempts to transition in my life and began my final transition 2 years ago. This time round there will be no stopping.
The tipping point came when I realised that if I wanted to be happy which I wasn't at the time then I needed to own my feelings and what they meant for me. To stop hiding behind poor excuses. To stop punishing myself for wanting to be what I was...a woman. Did I really see myself as a woman? Not in the first place no but in my "true heart" I knew the answer was yes and whilst the last 2 years have not been easy, they have certainly been the most rewarding on a personal level. For each of us it is different and depends on your life and where you are in it.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for
So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members
Site Policies and Stuff to Remember (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
Regards
ElizabethK
Global Moderator
Things that you should read
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Hi Jessica . Welcome to the site. This definitely is the right place for info and support. I have learned so much here. The people here are very kind and understanding and they don't judge. I realized I was trans when I was about 5. I should say I realized I had been born wrong. I didnt know what transgender was when I was 5. I was a very feminine boy. I never liked or understood sports or most "boy things". My parents never tried to force male behavior on me thank god. Since a lot of boy activities are outdoors I wasnt expected to do them. I'm albino and I can't be in sunlight long. And also I was smaller than most boys my age. I was androgynous looking, very fem and it was totally obvious I like boys so everyone assumed I was gay. When I was 17 my dad just asked me if I wanted to be a girl. When I said yes he said I needed to get started and get it out of the way. So I started HRT and transitioned. Now 2 years later my name and all my ID have been changed and I live entirely as a female. When I read stories from the other ladies who had a very male life and successfully played the masculine role for years it fascinates and impresses me. For me that would have been totally impossible. I couldn't have pulled off masculine behavior for one day nevermind for years. And I would never have been able to have any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with a female.
Welcome to Susan's Place. Dysphoria hits each of us differently and at different ages. We have members who discovered themselves anywhere from about age 3 to age 60. Some of us reach the point of suicide while others just get worn down over the years. There is nothing in your story that makes me doubt that you are transgender however you need to be the one that's sure of it. I have a couple of links that might help. The first is our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) where you will learn about the transgender family. The second link is "the transition channel" (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) where a gender therapist will help you examine your feelings.
As for being brave, many of us are not. Often it comes down to the point where the alternative of not transitioning is worst than transitioning. It's best that you address it early on before it comes to that point but far to often we wait until it's almost to late.
Welcome Jessica,
Quote from: baseballfan on June 19, 2017, 01:25:29 AM
>and I become more and more constantly aware of my thoughts and feelings, I have started to wonder if maybe it isn't just a sexual kink. Maybe I am trans and have just used this to deny it to myself.
You accurately described an important stage in my path - that was the first question I asked my therapist.
And on a lighter note. When I was in Sydney Australia I spotted a hot looking lady wearing a t-shirt that said: "It's only kinky the first time."
Hi Joe and welcome to Susans!!!
Yes, your story has themes common to most of us here!.... I had put all of these things tucked away on the back burner of my mind all throughout my life until the feelings became so strong that they demanded my full attention...
My advice would be to find a local therapist who specializes in gender issues through the WPATH website and start to explore why is going on a bit more. Not to say you need to transition but self exploration will help you find how to deal with these things in the way that works best for you... Your feelings seem to be demanding attention from what your have posted here
As Dena indicated... Many of us come to a point where transition and a chance to be our real self is far more acceptable than not transitioning and living out our days hiding from our true self from the world.... My thought about the core of transition is that it is a quest to place ourselves at a point in our life where we can truly give and receive love.... After all, how can we truly feel we are loved for ourselves if no one has seen who we truly are and... How can we truly love others without showing them who we are....I believe the sense of hiding from the world that comes from that led to a lifelong feeling of disconnection from others and the world around me... Transition allowed me to feel the connections as they should be felt for the first time and has allowed me satisfaction in my life at levels I never knew were available to me
Being into sports and male activities can seem like it clouds issues before you look a bit closer....
Here is some excellent reading on the subject by Anne Vitale
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
I believe you will find common ground with the group she describes as group 3, as many of us here do!
This forum is a great resource with a lot of experience so please feel welcome and let us know how to help you as you move along!
Onward we go!!!
Ashley :)
I should mention - as I transition I have no intention of dropping several interests that are perceived as male-biased activities.
I've rebuilt my own transmissions, shoehorned a Ford 302 V8 into a 1978 Toyota pickup, wore out a chopper-style Harley (although I prefer Ducati now). Currently remodeling my own condo interior when I'm not at work, tore it down to concrete, all electrical, plumbing, framing (second time I have done this, passed all building inspections). About the only thing I expect to give up: after I start HRT next month I probably won't be able to lift double-sheets of 8 foot wallboard.
Wow! Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and support. Thank you as well for sharing the resources and guidance you have shared.
As I have said, the feelings have swelled up in me and I am definitely intrigued that some of you have said you have had similar feelings.
I will definitely look to stay active in this community and contribute what I can. Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me!
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on June 19, 2017, 06:12:36 AM
Hi Jessica, welcome to Susan's Place! I've been a member here for seven years, I've been looking at the site for nine. The only thing I didn't see in your post was the military hitch so many of us serve. You came to the right place, and you're among friends here. By the way, you're pretty courageous too in my book. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hello Devlyn,
No I am not in the military (although strangely enough my girlfriend was in the Army). Thank you taking the time to read and for the kind words!
Quote from: KathyLauren on June 19, 2017, 06:22:01 AM
Hi Joe/Jessica.
Welcome to the forum. Your story sounds very typical, and much like mine. Only in my case, I was able to stay in denial about it for another 30 years. I kept asking the question, "Am I trans?" and kept answering, "No way!" Finally, at age 61, I realized that the honest answer was yes.
But yes, what you are feeling is what most of us felt. We didn't all come out to our parents at age five, like the media darlings do. We mostly tried to keep it in the closet until it wouldn't stay there any more.
Everyone has different needs and wants and complications and compromises, and a solution that works for one is not necessarily right for another. So I would recommend doing some investigation of yourself with the help of a gender therapist to explore what would be a good path for you.
Hello, and thanks for your insight. If you are willing to elaborate, I would be curious as to some examples of things that happened or feelings you had that made you ask yourself if you were trans, and what some of the rationale you gave yourself as to why you decided you weren't earlier on in your life.
Quote from: Julia1996 on June 19, 2017, 07:23:15 AM
Hi Jessica . Welcome to the site. This definitely is the right place for info and support. I have learned so much here. The people here are very kind and understanding and they don't judge. I realized I was trans when I was about 5. I should say I realized I had been born wrong. I didnt know what transgender was when I was 5. I was a very feminine boy. I never liked or understood sports or most "boy things". My parents never tried to force male behavior on me thank god. Since a lot of boy activities are outdoors I wasnt expected to do them. I'm albino and I can't be in sunlight long. And also I was smaller than most boys my age. I was androgynous looking, very fem and it was totally obvious I like boys so everyone assumed I was gay. When I was 17 my dad just asked me if I wanted to be a girl. When I said yes he said I needed to get started and get it out of the way. So I started HRT and transitioned. Now 2 years later my name and all my ID have been changed and I live entirely as a female. When I read stories from the other ladies who had a very male life and successfully played the masculine role for years it fascinates and impresses me. For me that would have been totally impossible. I couldn't have pulled off masculine behavior for one day nevermind for years. And I would never have been able to have any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with a female.
Hello and thank you for sharing. Your story is more like what I thought the experience was always like, and why I rationalized to myself that I wasn't trans. Only recently when I have started to read some stories about other folks did I realize that it wasn't always like that. Thank you for sharing your story with me!
Quote from: Dena on June 19, 2017, 11:24:40 AM
Welcome to Susan's Place. Dysphoria hits each of us differently and at different ages. We have members who discovered themselves anywhere from about age 3 to age 60. Some of us reach the point of suicide while others just get worn down over the years. There is nothing in your story that makes me doubt that you are transgender however you need to be the one that's sure of it. I have a couple of links that might help. The first is our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) where you will learn about the transgender family. The second link is "the transition channel" (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) where a gender therapist will help you examine your feelings.
As for being brave, many of us are not. Often it comes down to the point where the alternative of not transitioning is worst than transitioning. It's best that you address it early on before it comes to that point but far to often we wait until it's almost to late.
Thank you for sharing those resources. I am definitely going to check them out (already have started to). Thanks!
Quote from: Kendra on June 19, 2017, 12:09:06 PM
Welcome Jessica,
You accurately described an important stage in my path - that was the first question I asked my therapist.
And on a lighter note. When I was in Sydney Australia I spotted a hot looking lady wearing a t-shirt that said: "It's only kinky the first time."
Hello. Thanks for the note. This is pretty much what all of my assumptions have hinged on as well. If you are willing to be public about it (or in a private PM) I would love to get more insight on this part of you and how you worked through it and identified it.
Quote from: ElizabethK on June 19, 2017, 06:39:44 AM
Hi Joe/Jessica
Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.
Wow sounds like you have put a great deal of thought into this. I have a failry classic tale, knew when I was 4 or 5 that I was a girl, Made two other attempts to transition in my life and began my final transition 2 years ago. This time round there will be no stopping.
The tipping point came when I realised that if I wanted to be happy which I wasn't at the time then I needed to own my feelings and what they meant for me. To stop hiding behind poor excuses. To stop punishing myself for wanting to be what I was...a woman. Did I really see myself as a woman? Not in the first place no but in my "true heart" I knew the answer was yes and whilst the last 2 years have not been easy, they have certainly been the most rewarding on a personal level. For each of us it is different and depends on your life and where you are in it.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for
So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members
Site Policies and Stuff to Remember (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
Regards
ElizabethK
Global Moderator
Things that you should read
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Yes I did put a lot of thought into that post. I actually wrote it out in Microsoft Word first and spent about an hour crafting it :) It is the first time I have put my feelings on paper.
Thank you for sharing your insight and the rules with me!
Quote from: tgirlamc on June 19, 2017, 12:09:24 PM
Being into sports and male activities can seem like it clouds issues before you look a bit closer....
Here is some excellent reading on the subject by Anne Vitale
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
I believe you will find common ground with the group she describes as group 3, as many of us here do!
Ashley :)
Hi Ashley,
Thank you for sharing this with me. I browsed it briefly and I agree I am definitely a group 3. I intend to read this in its entirety.
Quote from: baseballfan on June 19, 2017, 07:27:53 PM
Hello, and thanks for your insight. If you are willing to elaborate, I would be curious as to some examples of things that happened or feelings you had that made you ask yourself if you were trans, and what some of the rationale you gave yourself as to why you decided you weren't earlier on in your life.
Why I wondered if I was trans:
- (day)dreamed of being a girl since age 7
- never wanted to be masculine; always wanted to be more feminine
- cross-dressed as early as 12, off and on since then, compulsively
- (day)dreamed of having GRS
Why I talked myself out of it:
- "What will people think?"
- too weird
- too much disruption of my life
- it's insanely rare (I had no idea how many of us there are) and I can't be THAT weird; I'm just a regular guy
- "What will people think??"
What changed my mind:
- seeing a trans person in real life giving a public talk that had nothing at all to do with being trans: no horns, no tail, no brimstone
- realizing that if "no" had been the right answer, I wouldn't have kept on asking the question
Quote from: KathyLauren on June 19, 2017, 08:16:50 PM
What changed my mind:
- seeing a trans person in real life giving a public talk that had nothing at all to do with being trans: no horns, no tail, no brimstone
Hey Jessica!!!...
Like Kathy... I met my first transwoman who had been living successfully as she chose to live for 30 years and at that moment I realized... If she can do it... So can I... I moved quickly through the hurdles of transition filled with the energy that is unleashed when a life is finally pointed in the right direction and given permission to move forward!
Onward we go
Ashley :)
In case anyone is curious at all, I have an update. While I am not ready to transition, I am going to see a gender therapist to try and work through my feelings. I have never spoken out loud about this, so I am looking forward to it.
That's wonderful Jessica. You're on your way.
Hugs
Julia
Quote from: tgirlamc on June 19, 2017, 09:00:35 PM
Hey Jessica!!!...
Like Kathy... I met my first transwoman who had been living successfully as she chose to live for 30 years and at that moment I realized... If she can do it... So can I... I moved quickly through the hurdles of transition filled with the energy that is unleashed when a life is finally pointed in the right direction and given permission to move forward!
Onward we go
Ashley :)
I've never met a transwoman or transguy in person yet. But I've really enjoyed meeting all the people here.
Julia
Quote from: Julia1996 on June 29, 2017, 08:20:45 PM
That's wonderful Jessica. You're on your way.
Hugs
Julia
Thanks Julia. I really enjoy your posts and your perspective.
I found what Ashley wrote about actually connecting with people to be my truth. I got honest with myself or came to acceptance last year. One of the things i realized is that i NEVER had a genuine relationship with anyone, because an essential part of me was deeply hidden. I was in denial, and i certainly wasn't going to become truly emotionally close to anyone, because they might learn my terrible secret- that deep down i really wished i was female. So I learned at a young age to put up the wall.
When i came clean with myself, i told my wife (hard but so liberating), then told my sister. One of the things i told my sister (i told my wife i cd'd early on) is that i never felt i could be close
to her because of my secret. our connection is now genuine and i feel
closer to her than i have in the 40 preceding years. last week i told my best friend and told him the same.
time will tell if we remain friends, but as ashley analogizes- it is like climbing a mountain, and some, while well intentioned, cannot continue the journey with us. i accept i will lose people important to me along the way. it is painful, but it is honest.
Good luck!
Quote from: baseballfan on June 19, 2017, 01:25:29 AM
One day, in the last couple weeks, I was reading one of these stories (I think it was about Vivienne Ming) and I just had a thought pop into my head "Wait, am I trans?"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5dr2hsd.jpg&hash=21ca427ae9a74e91785fd3546e3c913bde18e5a6)
The light bulb moment is quite common for those in our community. I've always been transgender. I have memories of dressing up when I was 4 and the memory of the feeling I had then is one of absolute joy. The childhood crossdressing, the years of suppression, beginning with my all male high school days, the adult intense cross dressing. I can even still remember watching the movie The Crying Game and after watching it I knew deep down that transition was what I needed. That was way back in 1992. Alas, that was a different era. There were no gender therapists, no susans, no youtube, no internet.
But the light bulb went off for me finally the day my parents were finally out of the picture. That day I realized there were no more obstacles between me and transition and that was the beginning of my transition to female.
Quote from: Another Nikki on June 29, 2017, 09:40:14 PM
I found what Ashley wrote about actually connecting with people to be my truth. I got honest with myself or came to acceptance last year. One of the things i realized is that i NEVER had a genuine relationship with anyone, because an essential part of me was deeply hidden. I was in denial, and i certainly wasn't going to become truly emotionally close to anyone, because they might learn my terrible secret- that deep down i really wished i was female. So I learned at a young age to put up the wall.
When i came clean with myself, i told my wife (hard but so liberating), then told my sister. One of the things i told my sister (i told my wife i cd'd early on) is that i never felt i could be close
to her because of my secret. our connection is now genuine and i feel
closer to her than i have in the 40 preceding years. last week i told my best friend and told him the same.
time will tell if we remain friends, but as ashley analogizes- it is like climbing a mountain, and some, while well intentioned, cannot continue the journey with us. i accept i will lose people important to me along the way. it is painful, but it is honest.
Good luck!
Nikki...
I'm so glad you found value in my thoughts and can apply them to the journey you have set in motion.
I hear in your words a mindset that will take you far!!! You will be successful in making your choices work and crafting a life that is finally your own. In many ways, the point you are at now in your mind is the real battle and you have already transitioned to a large degree mentally... The rest is just window dressing and practical application.... Go claim your life sister!!!
Onward we go!!!
Ashley :)
I find the commonality amongst the players on our team so fascinating- i came to the realization that being in denial and in hiding had always been a true relationship barrier before i read anything serious about trans on the internet. reading your post mentioning almost the exact same sentiment 16 months later was really validating. I avoided everything trans related online till i came clean with myself.
First, I'm going to say that I have not read anyone else's responses to your original post, so I have no idea as to what others have said.
Second, in many ways, I can relate.
I too am relatively comfortable in my own skin, but I have to admit that I still wish I was born male. My dysphoria is relatively mild in comparison to many others. I don't mind my breasts, its only been the last few months that I'm kind of like "they're in the way, why must I wear this stupid binder? I want to go topless like other guys!" I don't hate them, they're merely annoying.
As a child I remember being angry at my Mom for being born the wrong gender. Its one of my earliest memories. So I did the typical thing, I "out-boy-ed the boys." I was the fastest kid on the block, was the best at kickball and baseball and was the fastest on bikes and on foot when we raced.
However, since the end of puberty, I've never really been depressed about being born the wrong gender, its always been more along the lines of "I'm the wrong gender, what can I do about it now?" So for years, I was androgynous in my clothing choices, opting for jeans, t-shirts and tennis shoes for the most part. I've always walked like a guy, and some of my mannerisms could be seen as male. My family has always referred to me as a "tomboy," they were half right. My Mom would almost always have to beg for me to wear a dress at important family events. The last time I did was at my younger brother's wedding, over six years ago.
But then again, I didn't know that I could physically transition until a little over three years ago. I knew that there were MTFs, but it never occurred to me to look into FTM transitioning. I accepted this body and simply hoped that in the next incarnation I would be born male.
I suppose I was lucky in my choice of career. Being a Paramedic for many years gave me broad shoulders, strong arms and legs, and a broad chest. "Carrying people for a living" does that to you. ;)
So now that my kid is grown, and I am no longer in the work force, I'm transitioning in to the man I should have been. I've always been happy for the most part, and now that my body's slowly evolving, I'm finally starting to feel truly happy about my physical self.
I don't really care too much that I have hips, my breasts are merely annoying and prevents me from going topless, and my groin, well, lets say what's going on down there is interesting. Sure, I'd love to be able to do many of the sexual things that a cis man can do with his groin in order to please my partner, but I make do.
So I suppose what I'm saying is that, "not everyone has soulcrushing, crippling dysphoria about their gender, some of us merely change what we can when given the opportunity."
Ryuichi
baseballfan,
Thank you for writing this! I have a lot of the same background/story as you. I'm 31, I love baseball and sports in general. I had a lot of the same feelings growing up but my family's religion wouldn't allow me to even think it was an option. I wanted to be a girl but I repressed and stuffed all of those feelings and desires inside and never let them out. And like you I've gotten pretty good at acting as a guy. I played 3 sports in HS and coach 2 of them now(baseball/football). I would have thoughts about what it would be like but I couldn't allow it to be anymore than just a random thought. And of course I couldn't shake the depression and dysphoria that came and went through my life. I never even gave it a thought that it could be gender issues. Well fast forward to about a month ago, I was starting to have back pain and chest pain. I wound up finding out that I have gynecomastia to which I can either have surgery or wear a bra. And once I started trying on bras, it all came out. I haven't been able to not think about being trans or transitioning every single minute of every day. Between my wife and my family(and my job now), I'm highly skeptical that it's going to be accepted. But at the same time, it's feels amazing to even just explore what being my true self could be! I have my first session with a GT coming up next week that I'm so excited for. Like you, I've never told anyone(until now) about this but I don't think I can ignore this anymore!
And you are certainly correct about this forum being a wonderful community to be a part of! First post obviously but have been lurking for a while and the people that make up this community are great! They are so accepting and helpful with supporting others and giving wisdom!
Thank you again to everybody for being so awesome!
Vicki
I was concerned perhaps my feelings didn't warrant transition, because I'd always viewed my dysphoria as a personality defect until I learned more about transsexuality. But then I took an honest and painful look at my life and noted I had never been happy or comfortable, and the prospect of my future granting either of those if I continued along the same path without action was likely 0.0%.
It would have been far more difficult to take the leap if there were aspects of life I was genuinely happy with. I was in no doubt though; it wasn't a recreational feeling or something I could switch on and off. It was a constant problem I had learned to put up with like a suppurating wound.
Some people really do only feel dysphoric occasionally and don't feel the need to transition or make sweeping changes, and that's ok. For others (like myself), it prevents them from living a normal life in a normal way so we might as well try transition before our time runs out.
Viktor you described me. Although we have the opposite gender identity it's like we are identical twins.
Vickie thank you for your post, and congrats on scheduling your first meeting with a gender therapist! If you also head over to the Introductions section https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) many people will be glad to meet the true you. Gynecomastia has many causes, but if you have that combined with back pain you may want your hormone levels checked by an endocrinologist. My natural hormone levels are too low for either gender and I lost 4 inches of height since college. If I don't do HRT I'll end up in a wheelchair.
Quote from: Kendra on July 01, 2017, 11:52:04 AM
Viktor you described me. Although we have the opposite gender identity it's like we are identical twins.
Vickie thank you for your post, and congrats on scheduling your first meeting with a gender therapist! If you also head over to the Introductions section https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) many people will be glad to meet the true you. Gynecomastia has many causes, but if you have that combined with back pain you may want your hormone levels checked by an endocrinologist. My natural hormone levels are too low for either gender and I lost 4 inches of height since college. If I don't do HRT I'll end up in a wheelchair.
Thanks Kendra!
Oh wow, thanks for the heads up on that! I already had my blood drawn for something else but will check out what my levels are for that as well.
Hey VickieBlue!!! ... Welcome to the forum sister and congrats on the step forward next week!!!!
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Ashley :)
Quote from: Jane Emily on June 29, 2017, 10:15:51 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5dr2hsd.jpg&hash=21ca427ae9a74e91785fd3546e3c913bde18e5a6)
The light bulb moment is quite common for those in our community.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I have found my story is a lot more common than I originally thought when I started on this site. I still don't think I will ever physically transition, but at least coming to terms with it will be a huge positive change for me.
Quote from: Ryuichi13 on June 30, 2017, 10:00:56 PM
First, I'm going to say that I have not read anyone else's responses to your original post, so I have no idea as to what others have said.......
Hey Ryuichi,
Thanks for your message. It is kind of comforting to relate to someone who has the same feelings as me, but is going the other way. What a shame I can't just take those curves off your hands....
I like how you said you "out boy-ed the boys". I wish you lived in my neighborhood, you would have been fun to hang out with. Plus my kickball group wasn't very good :) I went the other way with it. I have pretty masculine persona. I wouldn't say I am an alpha male, but my friends and family would certainly be shocked if they knew this side of me. I have always been very much a dude.
Your story is great. I really identify it. You said, "not everyone has soulcrushing, crippling dysphoria about their gender, some of us merely change what we can when given the opportunity". Absolutely. That's great. Thank you for sharing!!
Quote from: VickieBlue on July 01, 2017, 12:43:27 AM
baseballfan,
Thank you for writing this! I have a lot of the same background/story as you. I'm 31, I love baseball and sports in general. I had a lot of the same feelings growing up but my family's religion wouldn't allow me to even think it was an option. I wanted to be a girl but I repressed and stuffed all of those feelings and desires inside and never let them out. And like you I've gotten pretty good at acting as a guy. I played 3 sports in HS and coach 2 of them now(baseball/football). I would have thoughts about what it would be like but I couldn't allow it to be anymore than just a random thought. And of course I couldn't shake the depression and dysphoria that came and went through my life. I never even gave it a thought that it could be gender issues. Well fast forward to about a month ago, I was starting to have back pain and chest pain. I wound up finding out that I have gynecomastia to which I can either have surgery or wear a bra. And once I started trying on bras, it all came out. I haven't been able to not think about being trans or transitioning every single minute of every day. Between my wife and my family(and my job now), I'm highly skeptical that it's going to be accepted. But at the same time, it's feels amazing to even just explore what being my true self could be! I have my first session with a GT coming up next week that I'm so excited for. Like you, I've never told anyone(until now) about this but I don't think I can ignore this anymore!
And you are certainly correct about this forum being a wonderful community to be a part of! First post obviously but have been lurking for a while and the people that make up this community are great! They are so accepting and helpful with supporting others and giving wisdom!
Thank you again to everybody for being so awesome!
Vicki
Hey Vicki,
Nice to meet you. And nice to meet a fellow baseball/sports fan on here! I can relate to suppressing feelings, as I am sure many on here can. It is very interesting that you coach high school sports. The more I read on here the more I think that there have to just be so many closeted trans people everywhere. It isn't the people you'd suspect.
What a twist the the GC. I agree that it is exciting just exploring what being your true self could be. I too have a meeting with a gender therapist next week for my first appointment. Does your wife know you're going?
-Jessica
Quote from: Member061817 on July 01, 2017, 03:57:59 PM
I glanced over your post earlier, and then really read through your story in full detail just now.
Yes ... my story is much the same ... perhaps I am a chapter further along in a similar book, maybe ... maybe not. So for whatever it may be worth to you ... here's how my next chapter went [condensed version ;)].
I too lived a life of secrecy and then eventually reached a point that I sought out someone to be a friend who was trans, someone i could confide in and someone I could ask lots of questions about it who would understand that it were not just idle nosy curiosity but that I needed insight that was difficult to find.
The more I learned about the many options there are nowadays, the more I realized that I could just take small steps and it were not one big all or nothing decision as to exactly how far I would go or even which of a variety of directions I might go.
I found out that "the surgery" was not necessarily for everyone the most central aspect of transitioning, and that many do not even go all the way into presenting as female full time.
I found out that for many the most important aspect is actually the hormones, and this seemed to make sense to me so I got a shrink who is the best in town for this kind of stuff and determined to get on the hormones. At first my primary wish was only to eliminate the testosterone which I felt clouded my mind, and when I got on spironolactone I found that turned out to be quite true. I was advised that I should balance that with at least a relatively low addition of estrogen and so started on less than would cause any physical changes but just enough to feel the difference in my head. That turned out to be a great revelation for me. I immediately loved the feeling and went back to my doctor for more, which brought me into the zone of beginning transition.
I am not yet outwardly visibly looking different, but the way I feel is indescribably wonderful. So now I am growing my hair back out long like it was many years ago (before the demands of career had cut it off). I am also begun the lengthy process of eliminating facial and body hair which I have always hated being covered with.
The sense of freedom at this point is absolutely incredible.
I am more alive than I have ever felt before.
It remains to be seen just exactly how far I go with all of this ... maybe androgyny will be my happy zone ... or maybe I will keep going further with transition. I have a strong feeling that the latter is very likely, but I am just taking this in small steps for now. From everyone I have listened to for insight and wisdom ... "just take things a step at a time" has consistently been the best advise I have gotten.
If you are looking for a small step to try to see how you feel, first get yourself a good therapist who is a real expert specializing in gender issues, then maybe low dosage hormone therapy is often a good idea if you are not feeling desperate for total change. You might be happy to just maintain right there without transitioning ... or you may find that you need to go further. It all depends upon what you are inside your self and there are no right or wrong answers, which makes it somewhat difficult to find your own way, but discovering whoever/whatever your true self is can be quite the most rewarding adventure you have ever had in your life.
Hey Member061817,
Awesome post. Thank you so much for the advice. I am seeing a gender therapist a week from Monday for the first time.
I have a question for you (or anyone really). I have seen "low level" hormones get mentioned before. You say it causes mental changes. Can you describe the kind of changes you've had? I didn't really know that was even a thing.
Quote from: baseballfan on July 01, 2017, 07:51:24 PM
Hey Member061817,
Awesome post. Thank you so much for the advice. I am seeing a gender therapist a week from Monday for the first time.
I have a question for you (or anyone really). I have seen "low level" hormones get mentioned before. You say it causes mental changes. Can you describe the kind of changes you've had? I didn't really know that was even a thing.
Hey Jessica,
I guess I qualify as anyone really! :)
So, ... Here we go!....Oh yeah!!!... It's a thing!!! ... I can't speak to the mental changes of low dose because I was always on the full speed ahead approach but the mental changes are very real and started for me very soon into HRT...
My mind felt much more at peace and less cluttered... There was a very real sense of well being like " hey!.. This is how my brain is supposed to work!!!"... My emotions were much more accessible and closer too the surface!... There will be crying but there will be new levels of joy as well
When I do public speaking I use the analogy that running my body on testosterone was like living someplace without much change between the seasons but with estrogen, I felt like I saw all the seasons... Warm summers... Gorgeous Springs... Spectacular yet meloncholy autumns and some cold winter days and nights that make me appreciate the other seasons even more!!!
Experiencing life in all it's glory... The way it was meant to be experienced!
It is an amazing rollercoaster and I am not getting off!!!! :)
Onward we go!!!!
Ashley :)
PS... GO DODGERS!!! :)
Quote from: baseballfan on July 01, 2017, 07:46:20 PM
Hey Vicki,
Nice to meet you. And nice to meet a fellow baseball/sports fan on here! I can relate to suppressing feelings, as I am sure many on here can. It is very interesting that you coach high school sports. The more I read on here the more I think that there have to just be so many closeted trans people everywhere. It isn't the people you'd suspect.
What a twist the the GC. I agree that it is exciting just exploring what being your true self could be. I too have a meeting with a gender therapist next week for my first appointment. Does your wife know you're going?
-Jessica
Hey Jessica, nice to meet you as well! I don't have enough posts yet to reply for the DM so I'll answer what I can here. My appt. is this upcoming Friday. I'm so excited that I'm nervous for it lol. Yeah, coaching is something that I worry a little bit about when I transition. I'm actually really good at coaching boys and have never coached girls. But coaching males as a female is really rare so I'm thinking I'm going to have to start coaching softball/basketball once I go full time.
My wife knows about the appointment but she doesn't know it's with a GT about TG. I told her about the gyno/wearing bras and she did not react well. She at least has come around where we can talk about it. But she will make snide comments and her body language when she talks about it is not good so I know it bothers her. She did say once that she didn't marry a women when I told her about the gyno. So I'm thinking that whenever I tell her about the TG that I'm pretty much starting my divorce. We don't have kids and she wants them badly so me going on hormones would go over really well even if we stay together. My wife and my conservative, religious family is what really scares me about all of this. But at this point, I've figured out the solution to a lifelong "problem" and I can't act anymore. It breaks my heart for my wife but I just can't live like this anymore.
PS Let's Go Mets. There are some of us Mets fans here in the Midwest but I feel like I never see them around lol.
Quote from: tgirlamc on July 01, 2017, 01:42:28 PM
Hey VickieBlue!!! ... Welcome to the forum sister and congrats on the step forward next week!!!!
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Ashley :)
Thank you and I enjoy reading your posts Ashley!
Vicki
Quote from: VickieBlue on July 01, 2017, 10:15:26 PM
Hey Jessica, nice to meet you as well! I don't have enough posts yet to reply for the DM so I'll answer what I can here. My appt. is this upcoming Friday. I'm so excited that I'm nervous for it lol. Yeah, coaching is something that I worry a little bit about when I transition. I'm actually really good at coaching boys and have never coached girls. But coaching males as a female is really rare so I'm thinking I'm going to have to start coaching softball/basketball once I go full time.
My wife knows about the appointment but she doesn't know it's with a GT about TG. I told her about the gyno/wearing bras and she did not react well. She at least has come around where we can talk about it. But she will make snide comments and her body language when she talks about it is not good so I know it bothers her. She did say once that she didn't marry a women when I told her about the gyno. So I'm thinking that whenever I tell her about the TG that I'm pretty much starting my divorce. We don't have kids and she wants them badly so me going on hormones would go over really well even if we stay together. My wife and my conservative, religious family is what really scares me about all of this. But at this point, I've figured out the solution to a lifelong "problem" and I can't act anymore. It breaks my heart for my wife but I just can't live like this anymore.
PS Let's Go Mets. There are some of us Mets fans here in the Midwest but I feel like I never see them around lol.
Wow, you are really jumping in head first! Very quick and decisive. You must be pretty confident in how you feel. Good for you. You've got some tough times/conversations ahead, I would imagine, but good for you nonetheless.
I don't feel nearly as confident as you.
Ooh boy, get yourself a soda and get comfy cause I like to tell others about my experiences. I really do.
Unlike you, I am a transgender boy, born as female, who isn't even fully into adulthood yet. (at time of writing this) To start out, as a young child, let's say about 5-8, I kind of felt disconnected from other girls. Granted, I wasn't even 10, so the word "transgender" didn't even exist to me. I always found males more appealing to me, the way they looked, the way they carried themselves, the fact that they can be so brave and hard shelled in public but so soft and gentle behind closed doors. As a young child I didn't do "girly" things, and when I did, I felt shameful for it. I had a passion for fishing. I enjoyed the outdoors tremendously, still do. I enjoyed rough-housing with my friends. I was the opposite of a girl. When I came into terms with myself, my earliest memory of truly feeling like a boy was when I was 7. I remember making a comment about a cute Barbie doll and then apologizing to my mom and asking, "So it doesn't bother you?" and things like that. I remember coming home that day wondering why I seemed to be so embarrassed about it.
The word "Transgender" didn't come to me until the age of 12-13. Don't ask, I really don't remember where I had learned it or anything like that. I was not my best during those years. I had a really huge fight with someone who I thought was my friend and my social anxiety started to present itself at that time. I lived in denial. I lived in denial until I was 15 going on to 16. I remember forcing myself to wear traditionally girly clothes, the pretty collared sweaters, the flowy shirts, and on special occasions, dresses and skirts. I tried to do my hair and wear makeup. I hated it. I despised it, but I thought that if I forced myself to do it long enough, I would eventually feel like and enjoy being a girl. I wasn't even out as transgender, but when I was 14, I had been hit with discrimination at school. Not from students, the staff. It was because I had became close friends with a girl and the staff thought I was lesbian. Needless to say, I got in a lot of trouble at the time and it did play a part in me trying to live in denial of being trans. Especially after losing her to suicide right before leaving to go to high school.
First year of high school. Freshmen, got to love it, huh. I was angry with the world. I was upset and still grieving. November was my month of hell that year. I was suspended from school for a week due to a situation I wish to never talk about. This was something that hit me hard. I remember sitting in my Dad's office, completely alone. I had a lot of time to think. I remember questioning myself as a female. I never did and still didn't enjoy being a "girl." My body cringed every time my birth name was uttered and it cringed even more when someone called me "Ma'am" or "Miss."
I remember telling myself, "After this year, things are going to change." And change they did. I came out to my mother not too far into sophomore year. (Funny thing, I came out to her through text while sitting in Sex Ed class) Of course, my mom was okay with it. She raised me to never judge, and in turn, she practiced what she preached and never judged herself. I made strides since then. I worked on becoming, "Vince."
I got a chest binder, thanks to my mother. I got my hair cut short, which I love. I came out to my friends, which worked really well, if anything, it made the friendships even stronger. I even made a really really close friend from it. Now I am going to be a senior in August, and I am going to try and face the biggest challenge of all, coming out to the school and hope to get my name changed in the roster.
Vince, more power to you. I am so sorry to hear you lost your close friend that way. And it's bad when the worst discrimination in school is from the staff - I experienced some of that myself due to racial issues.
You are fortunate to have good friends and a great mom. You are very articulate. You're smart and are learning what makes you happy.
Quote from: Vincent Johnson on July 02, 2017, 04:52:31 AM
> I remember telling myself, "After this year, things are going to change." And change they did.
I think you have an amazing future.
Quote from: baseballfan on July 01, 2017, 07:51:24 PM
Hey Member061817,
Awesome post. Thank you so much for the advice. I am seeing a gender therapist a week from Monday for the first time.
I have a question for you (or anyone really). I have seen "low level" hormones get mentioned before. You say it causes mental changes. Can you describe the kind of changes you've had? I didn't really know that was even a thing.
The testosterone blocker seems to make the biggest change and it can happen in 2-4 weeks once you reach castration levels. It causes a reduction in dysphoria, sometimes enough that people think they are cured. Some stop the blockers only to have the dysphoria return.
Estrogen is a different story. I am on a half dose and emotionally I feel little difference. I take it only for health reasons and to maintain the fat distribution. Others with higher blood levels feel more effects from estrogen and if they are cycled they can feel the monthly emotional shifts that women experience with their period.
Without some estrogen, you risk calcium loss in your bones and you will experience menopause. When I was off estrogen, I had over a year of hot flashes and waking up with sweaty sheets. Given time, the menopause feelings do end but it takes a while.
Wow, I had no idea that hormones had such a mental impact. I thought it was mostly physical. This is fascinating to me. If anyone else has any input I would love to hear it. Thank you to all who have shared.
Vince,
Congrats on starting your journey. Sorry you had to go through so much adversity to get there.
-Jessica