Hi,
as described here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224720.new.html#new (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224720.new.html#new), I liked a girl. I still do. She initiated contact and we've been texting for longer than a month. We also saw each other and had a lot of fun and agreed on a new outing.
I still wasn't ready to tell her I was trans, but I decided to do it because she mentioned she would be really happy if we would be friends. So, I told her everything. She likes me as a person but is heterosexual. Although, she was really nice and said she still wants me in her life and that she won't allow me to shut down.
Now, my question is - how do you cope with the feeling that you always get turned down only because of your physical appearance, because of your body? Because it's clear that the other person loves everything about you as a person.
This is the most difficult thing for me. I am trans and I currently feel that my only solution for all of my problems is going through hormone therapy and surgery (although I'm scared to go through the procedure because I have some other health problems). On the other hand, being turned down because of my body breaks my heart! ☹️
I just feel that if I was born as a man which I am, I would have it all and I would find my peace.
How do you cope with it?
As someone socialized male for a very long time, I will say the first thing you want to do is drop the idea that women are rejecting you because of your body. If Hugh Heffner has harems of women a third of his age, If Donald Trump has a woman half his age, if Danny Devito can get a woman then appearance can't be that much of a dealbreaker from the female perspective.
It isn't much to do with success either, as how else do you explain these gangbangers and bad boys getting woman after woman.
The common factor in those two is inflated confidence. Money gives confidence, being a thug jerk = confidence. Being a jock = confidence.
Welcome to manhood, where rejection is common. The first step in adjusting is to stop thinking your body is at fault.
Thanks for your comment.
Since I do have a female body, she can't associate sexually with me even though I'm trans. She said herself she really really likes me as a person and that we have a strong connection. But as she is heterosexual she doesn't see me as a fit partner. And this is what happend to me when it gets to everybody I ever liked.
Basically, I am just living in dreams that someone will really like me as a person and that my body won't be the problem. I don't know, maybe that only happens in the movies. I don't have that luck.
Quote from: JMJW on June 23, 2017, 05:28:56 AM
As someone socialized male for a very long time, I will say the first thing you want to do is drop the idea that women are rejecting you because of your body. If Hugh Heffner has harems of women a third of his age, If Donald Trump has a woman half his age, if Danny Devito can get a woman then appearance can't be that much of a dealbreaker from the female perspective.
It isn't much to do with success either, as how else do you explain these gangbangers and bad boys getting woman after woman.
The common factor in those two is inflated confidence. Money gives confidence, being a thug jerk = confidence. Being a jock = confidence.
Welcome to manhood, where rejection is common. The first step in adjusting is to stop thinking your body is at fault.
Some people are just not meant to be partners. Don't fall into a trap of chasing her the rest of your life. If you want to be friends with, be friends, but just look for a partner elsewhere
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
To answer your question...bad
I take rejection really ->-bleeped-<-ing hard
In addition I do not like banter at my expense. I will happily take the pee out of myself but if someone else does, boy gee the anger.
As for this girl, stay friends. You seem to like her but understand itll go no further.
I have a few GG friends I was very attracted to but now see more like sister :)
Thanks for your comments and support!
I'll take some time apart from communicating her. I really like her as a person, but I don't know if I can be around her without being it weird.
How can you be just friends if you want to kiss her so badly? Or without thinking about her?
Of course, I can control myself, but it seems to me it might be a problem for me.
If you like her that much then you will be her friend and suffer for it :)
Just continue to make her happy and yes it will be hard but supress it. If she changes her mind you will know :)
Do girls really change their mind about stuff like this? Unfortunately I don't have any real experience, just rejections. That's why it's really bothering me. I suffered a lot. And everybody broke my heart. I don't know if I can handle it again 😐
Quote from: MissKairi on June 23, 2017, 01:27:35 PM
If you like her that much then you will be her friend and suffer for it :)
Just continue to make her happy and yes it will be hard but supress it. If she changes her mind you will know :)
Both guys and girls change their minds about physical attraction yes, but its hard to justify waiting around for that hope. Instead enjoy her friendship. One of the best ways to get over rejection is to find someone else and i know that is not that easy but the search is sort of fun in and of itself.
Things may be a little weird with her for just a bit, but that will pass.
As someone who has been rejected frequently by gay men because of my body, I've gotten used to reading cues before even expressing interest. But attraction in the gay world is so polluted and off-putting, I've been mostly asexual for a couple years.
As to rejection from a woman to a man, I don't know what to say. But I do know that I have female friends who get sad when friendships end because a guy can't just put aside their attraction and be friends.
As to the changing of minds, I've had that happen too, but I've always been defensive and assumed that it was insulting. But that's a defense mechanism of mine, so it shouldn't be ascribed to anyone else. Going with the flow is so easy to talk about, but actually doing that can be nervewracking
Quote from: cookielover77 on June 23, 2017, 01:34:34 PM
Do girls really change their mind about stuff like this? Unfortunately I don't have any real experience, just rejections. That's why it's really bothering me. I suffered a lot. And everybody broke my heart. I don't know if I can handle it again
sometimes yes, sometimes no.
I agree with Robyn. Do not wait for it because it may neer happen.
Take a step back and think do you really want to lose someone so important because you cant date them?
I don't want to lose her. I'll try to stay back for a while. I don't know what else to do.
Quote from: MissKairi on June 23, 2017, 01:52:58 PM
sometimes yes, sometimes no.
I agree with Robyn. Do not wait for it because it may neer happen.
Take a step back and think do you really want to lose someone so important because you cant date them?
Thanks for your lovely comment.
It's not easy for me to find somebody else because I am always looking for that connection to happen. It happend with her.
I don't have friends really and I am a closed person, I don't open easily.
Quote from: RobynD on June 23, 2017, 01:43:19 PM
Both guys and girls change their minds about physical attraction yes, but its hard to justify waiting around for that hope. Instead enjoy her friendship. One of the best ways to get over rejection is to find someone else and i know that is not that easy but the search is sort of fun in and of itself.
Things may be a little weird with her for just a bit, but that will pass.
Thanks for commenting.
Yes, I was also looking for clues and here there are:
- she initiated first contact
- she loved to text me all day long
- she texted with me for a month, said she was totally open for meeting me
- she had this special glare in her eyes when she was talking to me
- she was really listening me and wanted to know everything about me
- we started texting on a daily basis, for hours!
- she would text me to say something she thought was funny
- she was really looking forward to our second outing (I don't know if this should happen because it's scheduled for next Friday)
Quote from: ds1987 on June 23, 2017, 01:48:39 PM
As someone who has been rejected frequently by gay men because of my body, I've gotten used to reading cues before even expressing interest. But attraction in the gay world is so polluted and off-putting, I've been mostly asexual for a couple years.
As to rejection from a woman to a man, I don't know what to say. But I do know that I have female friends who get sad when friendships end because a guy can't just put aside their attraction and be friends.
As to the changing of minds, I've had that happen too, but I've always been defensive and assumed that it was insulting. But that's a defense mechanism of mine, so it shouldn't be ascribed to anyone else. Going with the flow is so easy to talk about, but actually doing that can be nervewracking
Quote from: cookielover77 on June 23, 2017, 01:34:34 PM
Do girls really change their mind about stuff like this? Unfortunately I don't have any real experience, just rejections. That's why it's really bothering me. I suffered a lot. And everybody broke my heart. I don't know if I can handle it again 😐
You know, its funny how good looking the trans guys I know became once I got enough estrogen in my system. Hormones can do some pretty amazing things. My guess is, if you get enough testosterone going on, then yes, this girl might change her mind -- and that may be why she is keeping you in the friend zone instead of just telling you to go away.
But then you end up in the same mental place as an overweight person who gets the girl because they lost a lot of weight -- "Do I really want to be with a person who literally conditioned the relationship on my appearance?"
I would say work hard on becoming yourself, and wait for someone to love you because you are you. It will happen, and you will be much happier for it.
Thanks Carly - I really agree with your last sentence.
I'm just a little bit worried since I'll be 30 this year and I've never experienced love. I'm just so sick od my own body, my mind can't handle it any more. I am also really emotional and just furious I always end up sad and pissed because nobody can ever love me as a person. And that hurts every time.
I already look more masculine, actually masculine with a baby face, because I have more testosterone in me then neccesary (just a way I was born).
And yes, I don't wanna be with a person that conditions the relationship on my appearance.
Quote from: CarlyMcx on June 23, 2017, 03:32:28 PM
You know, its funny how good looking the trans guys I know became once I got enough estrogen in my system. Hormones can do some pretty amazing things. My guess is, if you get enough testosterone going on, then yes, this girl might change her mind -- and that may be why she is keeping you in the friend zone instead of just telling you to go away.
But then you end up in the same mental place as an overweight person who gets the girl because they lost a lot of weight -- "Do I really want to be with a person who literally conditioned the relationship on my appearance?"
I would say work hard on becoming yourself, and wait for someone to love you because you are you. It will happen, and you will be much happier for it.
I know how you feel.. Awhile back I kinda fell for this super cute trans girl I had met. She lived about an hour away from me but I didn't mind driving. Safe to say I was going kind of mad over her. Then we didn't talk for a bit since I left for Wisconsin for a couple weeks. Our relationship was nothing exclusive but I was still almost shocked to know she was dating a cis girl by the time I got back. I felt, what I can only really explain as heartbroken.. I never felt quite that bad emotionally in my life, excluding death of loved ones. The best way I have found to cope is to reach out to anyone who cares and will listen :) I could give you a much longer list of unhealthy ways I've tried to cope (drugs, alcohol, etc.) but they don't work. Trust me.
Man, that sounds a whole hell of a lot like my high school experience.
Pre-everything me + hot girl I had a huge crush on that gave me weird signals = 'sorry, I'm just not that way'.
It's just one of those things, man. You move on.
I will say that, if you plan to start, HRT will change a lot. There are a ton of women out there who are looking for a good man, bits be ******.
IE: they're a lot less likely to reject you if they're looking for a man and you visually/mentally are one. As my slightly bi but more interested in men/masculinity fiancée says, "Penises are pretty unimpressive 95% of the time anyway". It's not a make or break for as many women as you may think.
I know it sucks being pre-everything and looking out at the world like you're stuck in limbo, but it gets better. If this girl isn't into you, it's no big deal. The world is filled with women. Just be confident, keep your eyes forward and stay focused.
I'm sorry to hear that! I hope you feel better now!
Quote from: Corastrasza on June 23, 2017, 04:19:12 PM
I know how you feel.. Awhile back I kinda fell for this super cute trans girl I had met. She lived about an hour away from me but I didn't mind driving. Safe to say I was going kind of mad over her. Then we didn't talk for a bit since I left for Wisconsin for a couple weeks. Our relationship was nothing exclusive but I was still almost shocked to know she was dating a cis girl by the time I got back. I felt, what I can only really explain as heartbroken.. I never felt quite that bad emotionally in my life, excluding death of loved ones. The best way I have found to cope is to reach out to anyone who cares and will listen :) I could give you a much longer list of unhealthy ways I've tried to cope (drugs, alcohol, etc.) but they don't work. Trust me.
Well yeah it sounds like that totally, she was giving me a lot of signs and she was showing me she cares. That is also one thing I dont understand. Why did she just text with me for so long for hours and was totally digging me asking her out if she wasnt interested? And I was showing her some signs I like her so it was pretty obvious.
Yes, its perfectly clear to me I have to transition. It will always be like this if I dont transition. And it doesnt help I live in a small stick up country where people dont understand ->-bleeped-<-. Just makes everything a little bit worse.
Quote from: Stone Magnum on June 23, 2017, 04:49:23 PM
Man, that sounds a whole hell of a lot like my high school experience.
Pre-everything me + hot girl I had a huge crush on that gave me weird signals = 'sorry, I'm just not that way'.
It's just one of those things, man. You move on.
I will say that, if you plan to start, HRT will change a lot. There are a ton of women out there who are looking for a good man, bits be ******.
IE: they're a lot less likely to reject you if they're looking for a man and you visually/mentally are one. As my slightly bi but more interested in men/masculinity fiancée says, "Penises are pretty unimpressive 95% of the time anyway". It's not a make or break for as many women as you may think.
I know it sucks being pre-everything and looking out at the world like you're stuck in limbo, but it gets better. If this girl isn't into you, it's no big deal. The world is filled with women. Just be confident, keep your eyes forward and stay focused.
The girl in my story was always looking at me in the class we shared together. She always sat close to me, talked to me a lot and did the little 'smile, blush and look away' when she caught me looking at her. I was pretty smitten.
One day, she came up to me and said, "You said you wanted to get your hair cut... can I do it for you?"
I just sort of stood there for a second and then agreed. Next thing I knew, she was inviting me to her house.
Get this, though: She invited a friend over--a very 'out' lesbian that was openly talking about girl on girl action--and everything felt very surreal. She hinted that I should take my shirt off to avoid getting hair on it... etc. Honestly, at the time, I had no idea if it was just how girls interacted with one another (very, very socially stupid as a female) or if she was into me in some weird way.
Anyway, after that long and slightly odd night, she continued to talk with me a lot in class and all that. Finally, one day, I bit the bullet and told her I was interested in her.
That's when she told me she wasn't 'that way' and all that. Really hurt and confused me at the time. I, too, went into a 'great, no matter how good I am at anything else, I'll never find anyone because I'm stuck in this ****** body' period. It passed.
Girls are weird sometimes, man.
Yeah, I feel you. Your story sounds really as **** too. Sorry you had to go through it.
For me, it was always like this. And this is the third girl I felt a true connection with that said, yeah, you are really great and I really really like you, but I'm not like that 😐
It's just harder every time it happens. And with this one I was so sure she might be into me becuase she initiated everything and kept asking questions. I don't understand that. And I don't know if I can stay friends with her after all this.
Quote from: Stone Magnum on June 24, 2017, 02:25:06 AM
The girl in my story was always looking at me in the class we shared together. She always sat close to me, talked to me a lot and did the little 'smile, blush and look away' when she caught me looking at her. I was pretty smitten.
One day, she came up to me and said, "You said you wanted to get your hair cut... can I do it for you?"
I just sort of stood there for a second and then agreed. Next thing I knew, she was inviting me to her house.
Get this, though: She invited a friend over--a very 'out' lesbian that was openly talking about girl on girl action--and everything felt very surreal. She hinted that I should take my shirt off to avoid getting hair on it... etc. Honestly, at the time, I had no idea if it was just how girls interacted with one another (very, very socially stupid as a female) or if she was into me in some weird way.
Anyway, after that long and slightly odd night, she continued to talk with me a lot in class and all that. Finally, one day, I bit the bullet and told her I was interested in her.
That's when she told me she wasn't 'that way' and all that. Really hurt and confused me at the time. I, too, went into a 'great, no matter how good I am at anything else, I'll never find anyone because I'm stuck in this ****** body' period. It passed.
Girls are weird sometimes, man.
Quote from: cookielover77 on June 23, 2017, 02:17:07 AM
I just feel that if I was born as a man which I am, I would have it all and I would find my peace.
Don't.
You would not have it all and have problems just the same, just different ones - transition (or just being a man) will never take away all of your obstacles and it would not guarantee a love life. There are people who view transition as a panacea and it is not. They will be in for an unpleasant realization. And if you were born a man there is no guarantee this person would necessarily not reject you for some other reason.
Being trans does up the difficulty level of life but doesn't mean everyone else has it easy or simple.
Quote
How do you cope with it?
Rejection is a part of life. Everybody can expect to be rejected at some point or other, especially romantically. Sometimes we never get what we want and that is normal. You pick up, move on, and self-improve. More opportunities come to those who do this.
Whatever you do, don't throw yourself at the first person who shows interest, because you want to "experience love". If you want sex, perhaps, but if you want something worthwhile, my advice is to get happy in yourself first. If you can't love/like yourself and feel comfortable alone, being dependent on another person to feel of worth is going to ruin you. Successful relationships - in my view - are best approached from a position of strength, they require effort and energy and you need to have enough of it on board to give and ride any storms out.
Hi Cookielover :)
Perhaps you could be reading the situation all wrong, perhaps she could be very well interested in you. Perhaps she wants to just first get to know you better before confessing that she does like you in that way.
And maybe she just wants to be friends, there are many maybes and what ifs.
Give it time and see where things take you guys. I wish you all the best and I think it will work out for the best. Chin up :)
Big Hugs
Kelly
Hi Kelly,
thanks for commenting.
I don't know, she said that unfortunately, as far as she knows, she is a heterosexual person and that she cant respond to me in that way (when I said I like her).
I just don't have any experience because I've never been in a relationship before, so maybe I am interpreting something wrong. Especially since she is also a really closed person and needs a lot of time to open to new people.
Thanks for support!
Quote from: KellyBear on June 24, 2017, 05:24:30 AM
Hi Cookielover :)
Perhaps you could be reading the situation all wrong, perhaps she could be very well interested in you. Perhaps she wants to just first get to know you better before confessing that she does like you in that way.
And maybe she just wants to be friends, there are many maybes and what ifs.
Give it time and see where things take you guys. I wish you all the best and I think it will work out for the best. Chin up :)
Big Hugs
Kelly
Quote from: cookielover77 on June 24, 2017, 06:11:37 AM
Hi Kelly,
thanks for commenting.
I don't know, she said that unfortunately, as far as she knows, she is a heterosexual person and that she cant respond to me in that way (when I said I like her).
I just don't have any experience because I've never been in a relationship before, so maybe I am interpreting something wrong. Especially since she is also a really closed person and needs a lot of time to open to new people.
Thanks for support!
Hi again Cookielover ;)
NP, just trying to see if can be of some assistance :)
Well it seems as if you might have given her a few things to think about as she said as far as she knows. Perhaps she could learn to know something different. :)
She seems shy and perhaps scared. Give her time she will come around. You seem to be a very kind and caring person taking her feelings into consideration and trying to understand. Keep at what you are doing and be a friend for her now, and you never know what might happen.
Hugs
Kelly
Hi Viktor,
But, at least, if I was a Cis man, girls would give me a chance if they liked me as a person really much. That's how I see it. Of course there would always be problems, but maybe I would just get a chance for a romantic connection because they like me. Currently I am not getting a chance because I'm physically a woman which doesn't contemplate with my mind (and girls sexual preferences).
I understand that rejection is a part of life. What's bugging me is that I only know about rejection in my life. I know the feeling when I like somebody, but I don't know what's it like when somebody likes you. I don't know the feeling when it's mutual. I don't know a first thing about love. And I'll be 30 pretty soon. After every rejection I picked myself up and focused on me. And it still ended up the same. That's why I believe I will always hit up with rejection unless I transition completely. Or I can just be sad and miserable for the second part of my life (because I've been like that after every rejection in the first 30 years).
Quote from: Viktor on June 24, 2017, 05:23:30 AM
Don't.
You would not have it all and have problems just the same, just different ones - transition (or just being a man) will never take away all of your obstacles and it would not guarantee a love life. There are people who view transition as a panacea and it is not. They will be in for an unpleasant realization. And if you were born a man there is no guarantee this person would necessarily not reject you for some other reason.
Being trans does up the difficulty level of life but doesn't mean everyone else has it easy or simple.
Rejection is a part of life. Everybody can expect to be rejected at some point or other, especially romantically. Sometimes we never get what we want and that is normal. You pick up, move on, and self-improve. More opportunities come to those who do this.
Whatever you do, don't throw yourself at the first person who shows interest, because you want to "experience love". If you want sex, perhaps, but if you want something worthwhile, my advice is to get happy in yourself first. If you can't love/like yourself and feel comfortable alone, being dependent on another person to feel of worth is going to ruin you. Successful relationships - in my view - are best approached from a position of strength, they require effort and energy and you need to have enough of it on board to give and ride any storms out.
Thanks a lot for your help, I really appreciate it! Especially since I don't have nobody to talk to.
Yeah, she said that as far as she knows she's completely heterosexual so she cant respond in the same way, but that she can support me in any other part of my life. Yes, she is definitely shy and a closed person.
So, this happend on Thursday. I'm taking some time without texting her. On the other hand we had scheduled an outing on next Friday and now I don't know if I should text her next week and go to see that movie with her.
I don't want to make it weird or anything.
Quote from: KellyBear on June 24, 2017, 06:20:19 AM
Hi again Cookielover ;)
NP, just trying to see if can be of some assistance :)
Well it seems as if you might have given her a few things to think about as she said as far as she knows. Perhaps she could learn to know something different. :)
She seems shy and perhaps scared. Give her time she will come around. You seem to be a very kind and caring person taking her feelings into consideration and trying to understand. Keep at what you are doing and be a friend for her now, and you never know what might happen.
Hugs
Kelly
Quote from: cookielover77 on June 24, 2017, 06:28:08 AM
Thanks a lot for your help, I really appreciate it! Especially since I don't have nobody to talk to.
Yeah, she said that as far as she knows she's completely heterosexual so she cant respond in the same way, but that she can support me in any other part of my life. Yes, she is definitely shy and a closed person.
So, this happend on Thursday. I'm taking some time without texting her. On the other hand we had scheduled an outing on next Friday and now I don't know if I should text her next week and go to see that movie with her.
I don't want to make it weird or anything.
So don't be weird at all the best you can give her right now is your friendship until she is ready to want more.
I think you should go see the movie with her and perhaps try keeping the texting to a minimum unless she wants to text more.
When some girls see that you could be doing your own thing they kinda get a bit jello and want more. Not all girls but I know of some. Perhaps that could be an advantage for you.
Quote from: KellyBear on June 24, 2017, 06:56:34 AM
So don't be weird at all the best you can give her right now is your friendship until she is ready to want more.
I think you should go see the movie with her and perhaps try keeping the texting to a minimum unless she wants to text more.
When some girls see that you could be doing your own thing they kinda get a bit jello and want more. Not all girls but I know of some. Perhaps that could be an advantage for you.
Yes, I agree. Does Monday sound ok for me to text her (she just liked something I posted on Fb)?
And yes, if she tries to text more, I can just keep it short. That would be totally different than now.
Quote from: cookielover77 on June 24, 2017, 07:01:38 AM
Yes, I agree. Does Monday sound ok for me to text her (she just liked something I posted on Fb)?
And yes, if she tries to text more, I can just keep it short. That would be totally different than now.
Yeah well text her even still today but keep it like at a minimum of like 3 texts today and if she still texts you then tell Her that you're going out and won't be texting for the rest of the day but be nice though ;)
I might be giving you the wrong advice here, but it looks like you might have a good plan here my friend. Plan 1 - playing it cool 8) activated
Quote from: KellyBear on June 24, 2017, 07:17:54 AM
Yeah well text her even still today but keep it like at a minimum of like 3 texts today and if she still texts you then tell Her that you're going out and won't be texting for the rest of the day but be nice though ;)
I might be giving you the wrong advice here, but it looks like you might have a good plan here my friend. Plan 1 - playing it cool 8) activated
So I just send her a message asking if she is still up for Friday. She said of course she is. I said I'll text her on Thursday with details.
So, I guess we'll see how this Friday will go.
Quote from: cookielover77 on June 24, 2017, 07:36:28 AM
So I just send her a message asking if she is still up for Friday. She said of course she is. I said I'll text her on Thursday with details.
So, I guess we'll see how this Friday will go.
Well she seems eager and that's a great sign.
Okay cool , wish you the best of luck . Let me know how it goes.
Quote from: KellyBear on June 24, 2017, 07:43:31 AM
Well she seems eager and that's a great sign.
Okay cool , wish you the best of luck . Let me know how it goes.
Thanks a lot! I'm just hoping that nothing will be weird. I'll post updates after I see her.
So,
we saw each other today! Since it was raining, our movie night in the open got canceled, but we went to a small boutique cinema.
What's great about this is the fact that I already had tickets for the cinema in the open, so since it was postponed, I'll see her again this Monday when hopefully it won't rain!
Today we didn't talk much which was fine for me because it was strange a little bit for me since she knows. She also behaved a little bit differently, but she was still really nice and talkative! I believe she noticed I was a little bit nervous since she helped me out through one small break :/
We laughed a lot during the movie and she bas the most funniest laugh I've ever heard!
In the end, I believe she felt comfortable with me (although I believe she noticed I was a little bit nervous), especially since she asked when the postponed movie will take place just before we said bye.