This is sort of annoying, there are periods of my life where I am almost okay with just living like I am right now. It is not fulfilling, I wish I were a girl, but the urge to transition is not as strong. Then there are periods where it just becomes such a strong desire, and I feel such a strong pull to just go through with it.
Usually what will happen, is I will convince myself out of it, I will let fear take the reigns and feed into a feeling that everything seems so impossible that I will not pursue it. Then after a while, I go into a deep depression, and it is all that is on my mind. I must have done something awful in a past life, because this is torture.
It is so damned tiresome, it is like I am on this constant loop that is on repeat, and I just want to be done with it. This has been going on for years and years, and it is just so frustrating. And I feel sorry for continually coming on this site, and unloading all of this rubbish on to you all, and I thank you all for being so kind to me.
What causes this? Why is it not just a simple strong desire all of the time, or just being okay with my place in life with some regret? Have any of you ever read anything, that can make sense of this all? I wish I could just make up my mind, put myself in one mode, and get on with life already.
Why does it come in waves? I don't know why it does for you. For me, the waves were in response to my efforts to deal with the dysphoria, either acting on it or resisting it. I'd cross-dress and the dysphoria would lessen. Then I'd feel guilt and shame about it and stop, and gradually the dysphoria would come back.
In between cycles, I'd deny it and try to live as a normal male. Initially, I would be more or less successful at sweeping it under the carpet, buoyed by my success in denial. But that level of denial takes a lot of energy to maintain, and eventually the feelings would come back.
As I started to transition, each step I took would reduce the dysphoria I was aware of, allowing me to become more sensitive to the dysphoria that remained.
Yes actually. Pre transition i could repress my female feelings for periods of time but they would return. Just before i came out in May 2014 i noticed the time between my waves getting shorter and shorter until it was becoming too depressing.
This happens to me, although I try to work out why, it just happens and some days I break down just imaging what I'd look like in public...
As someone else once explained to me, it was like a buildup of all little moments (like when I get stressed, those build up into a full-blown meltdown) and it soon evolves into an unstoppable spike of self-hatred, no matter how I try to stop it. An explanation is near-impossible, it always seems to have no 'direct' cause other than its dysphoria
It definitely fluctuated. Like Mirath's case, some days the dysphoria would kick up, and little things that I once could ignore would fester in my mind and push me into that elevated anxiety state. The depression would come and go.
Throwing myself into physical efforts, or complex highly technical work, would help from the distraction and suppression of consciousness that would come along. I found that I could abuse mindful meditation to essentially suppress self-awareness while working on very complex tasks, which helped avoid the dysphoria, but trying to do that for very long was unhealthy.
It always fluctuated for me.
This might sound strange but I have journaled since I was 7 years old. Almost every day. I have entries going back 22 years. For my therapist I compiled all my entries that dealt with my feelings and desires and dysphoria and crossdressing. So many entries it was ridiculous and took forever to compile as I simply transcribed them all onto a word document. There were peaks and valleys. The peaks would burn hot but quick. Maybe a couple weeks where all I wanted to do was be a woman. The valleys would burn cool but long. After my 2 week peak cycles I would have no desire for any of it for a few months. Then it would come back. But each time it came back it would be more intense and I would need to do more to quench my thirst to be a woman.
After my last cycle in late 2016 I told myself if the feelings ever come back I am going to explore transitioning because I am tired of fighting it. Which is what I did when the feelings did come back. I thought for sure after my last cycle in late 2016 that that was it - I would never have the feelings or desires again and thought i had defeated it, but I was wrong. It came roaring back and while I resisted at first for a few weeks I ultimately upheld the promise I made to myself.
Mine was quite livable. I considered it background noise in my life. Then one day it wasn't background noise any more. It would last a few hours, then most of the day and then I could literally think of nothing else. That increase was over a month's time. So, 50 years of back ground, then build up to intolerable in about a month.
Once I came out to myself and two others and a GD Councilor it diminished. But still not something I could ignore. It's a funny thing G.D. is. I think of it like a cat with claws. If you stroke it and keep it comfy on your lap it purrs. Stop patting and the claws come out, first a little warning then it shreds your clothes.
Quote from: Denise on July 31, 2017, 01:31:28 PM
Mine was quite livable. I considered it background noise in my life. Then one day it wasn't background noise any more. It would last a few hours, then most of the day and then I could literally think of nothing else. That increase was over a month's time. So, 50 years of back ground, then build up to intolerable in about a month.
Once I came out to myself and two others and a GD Councilor it diminished. But still not something I could ignore. It's a funny thing G.D. is. I think of it like a cat with claws. If you stroke it and keep it comfy on your lap it purrs. Stop patting and the claws come out, first a little warning then it shreds your clothes.
Nailed it.
I'm really sorry for all of the "woe is me" sort of posts I make here. I'm sure a lot of you have enough of your own hardships to go through in day to day life. It is all really pointless, for me to drone on and on about these things. I really do appreciate all of the replies you have given me, it provides a glimpse into my own self, and the direction I move in life.
I've been through these sort of thoughts so many times, scrutinizing every feeling I have.. I think in the past few months, I have maintained a more consistent acceptance than I had in the past, it is just part of who I am, and trying to suppress it, or ignore it is pointless, but I just really wish there were a magic button out there, I could press and forgo the entire transition process itself.
At the very least, it is something I accept, this is who I am. It is not my fault, I should not hate myself for being this way, and that is a huge accomplishment for me. Getting to the next step is really difficult. And there are so many more steps to take after that. It took me over thirty years to get to this point and maintain my foothold, hopefully the next step will come a bit sooner. Still those moments come, where it seems like such a huge monumental task, that it seems impossible.
Thank you all again.
It was like that for me before I started doing something about it. Once I started therapy (4 months ago), hormones etc, those fluctuations went away...In fact I only remembered about them just now reading your post. It was a never ending cycle as I'm sure it is for you. And the fact that I never really felt super awful about it or suicidal, tricked me into thinking it wasn't that bad so I stayed in my comfort zone. I finally snapped out of it and started working on achieving this.
A very interesting topic.
For me prior to starting HRT 4 years ago, my GD always came in waves. The way I coped with it was to as one colleague said about me and as an annual assessment stated.."He works like a whirlwind and a man possessed".. He has huge energy for work. So true. I basically overworked almost to the point of burnout so as to not address the GD problems. At the burn out stage I had to cross dress. This provided some relief for a while, but it never really worked. It led to the loathing and depression and the disposal of al things feminine, at huge cost each time. Then about 20 years ago, I had an epiphany of sorts. A girlfriend (gay) said, rather than disposing of everything, I will rent you a room and you can store all your things here for a peppercorn rent. When you need to dress come here. That worked for a year, but because my "waves" only came at odd times, my gay friend soon wanted her room back. Then I took up one of those storage places. This was definitely the best option as I could lock everything away - sometimes for months on end..I think the longest I managed to survive the waves was 7 months.. But then luckily I managed to get on HRT. Now in transition, just being able to get up every morning and dress and live as a woman .. the man obsessed has gone forever..
Judith
Quote from: zamber74 on July 31, 2017, 05:38:28 PM
I'm really sorry for all of the "woe is me" sort of posts I make here.
Bahaha hunny, i hate to break it to you (and beyond that, i hate to admit it) but I think i make more woe is me posts then you do. Its not even something i plan, i just get into a tizzy and spill my guts.
It happens.
But I got news for ya. This is a support site. We help eachother. Brothers and sisters alike. A therapist if going to be your best bet, and become your best friend. I wish you luck hunny bunches <3
Mine was mostly in the background, with cross dressing in private when it was stronger. Than, like Denise, BAM - overwhelming.
And don't worry about the posts! That's what we're all here for, to help each other through this.
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on July 31, 2017, 09:03:31 PM
Bahaha hunny, i hate to break it to you (and beyond that, i hate to admit it) but I think i make more woe is me posts then you do. Its not even something i plan, i just get into a tizzy and spill my guts.
It happens.
But I got news for ya. This is a support site. We help eachother. Brothers and sisters alike. A therapist if going to be your best bet, and become your best friend. I wish you luck hunny bunches <3
Of the posts of seen of yours, and so many other members around here, you all are always helping one another out. I have a therapist in the area I will eventually build up the nerve to see, I wrote her a while ago and she was very friendly. That is the next huge step for me, because I know once I go, and actually talk to her, things are going to change dramatically.
Perhaps then, I can actually contribute more to the forum than take away from it. You, on the other hand, are contributing to it, and I thank you for that.
It's the same for me. Up and down. But the ache never really goes away. I'm coming to realize how often I've complicated my life as a way of giving myself a problem that can be beaten.
Earlier today a friend was talking about how need goals, and I realized that every goal I've ever had has really just been one:
More than anything I just want to not feel like ->-bleeped-<- all the time.
I've spent the past dozen years studying energy and mysticism, systematically uprooting and invalidating every prejudice I can find, spending every day facing painful truths head on. People think I'm brave, but I'm not. Nothing I've faced or worked through compares to the difficulty of living every day with an unbridgeable disconnection between my mind and body. Every defense I've systematically eradicated in hopes that this time, this was the root, this was the key that would solve this feeling just removed one more layer of defense I've used to survive the ache.
I've been through so much, defeated so many enemies, but how can one defeat this? I can't. If the test is to learn to love this ever present pain of disconnection then I've failed.
I told my mother last night that I'm going to see a therapist and start HRT. She's never forgiven her sibling for the same thing, and i can feel her aching and praying and the way she feels right now isn't worse that living with dysphoria every day.
But then it will just recede. The muscles in my upper arms no longer seem like abominations. My face seems natural, my height and hands and feet seem wonderful for all the advatages they provide. I feel like an idiot for everything that's been torturing me. I get a handle on it, refuse to scratch the itch. Then one day a friend takes off his shirt and my phantom vagina starts pulsing and once again life feels like a cruel joke, like I've been turned inside out and prevented from ever experiencing the most basic beauties that everyone else seems to take for granted.
Perhaps that's a blessing, because it has forced me to take a step back and learn. But I hate it for what it does to those I love, and who love me, and just don't understand that they've never actually met me. It's funny though, it took me thirty years to realize what this has always been, but I mention it to oldest friend and she's like "duh, why do you think I wouldn't date you?" I wish it were as obvious to my religious family.
Honestly your "whiny" post is a relief. I've been thinking lately that I really need a friend who's going through the same thing. So it's nice to see a post by someone feeling it too, even if the details are different. I hope I didn't just hijack your thread to whine about my own ->-bleeped-<-- and I also thank you for the opportunity to do so.
Good luck, yeah?
Quote from: Lexira on August 01, 2017, 04:59:38 PM
More than anything I just want to not feel like ->-bleeped-<- all the time.
I've spent the past dozen years studying energy and mysticism, systematically uprooting and invalidating every prejudice I can find, spending every day facing painful truths head on. People think I'm brave, but I'm not. Nothing I've faced or worked through compares to the difficulty of living every day with an unbridgeable disconnection between my mind and body. Every defense I've systematically eradicated in hopes that this time, this was the root, this was the key that would solve this feeling just removed one more layer of defense I've used to survive the ache.
I've been through so much, defeated so many enemies, but how can one defeat this? I can't. If the test is to learn to love this ever present pain of disconnection then I've failed.
Honestly your "whiny" post is a relief. I've been thinking lately that I really need a friend who's going through the same thing. So it's nice to see a post by someone feeling it too, even if the details are different. I hope I didn't just hijack your thread to whine about my own ->-bleeped-<-- and I also thank you for the opportunity to do so.
Good luck, yeah?
It is funny how it all works, I think it was last November that I told my wife I am transsexual, and we started to talk about it a little more, and how I have been avoiding this instead of embracing it, and how that has caused all sorts of problems for me. Anxiety around people, depression, a deep seated sense of guilt, shame a low sense of self esteem. Further discussions on this forum, made me realize that people in general do not desire to be a different gender, I thought this was something all people felt from time to time, but such subjects were to be avoided at all costs.
Once I validated my own feelings, my life started to make a lot more sense, my very personhood and history makes sense. This must be the root of so much of my life, these feelings have been going on since I was a child.
You most definitely did not hijack my thread, I am grateful that you posted here. Thank you :)
I kept holding on to masculinity, out of hope, a hope that, since i havent' experienced this or that as a man, I don't really know, If I will learn to enjoy being a man.
This went on for years. And I called these long lasting mood swings "enthusiasm spasms" I spent a lot of money buys clothes online, that I would eventually burn. And each time I did so I would convince myself this is it, Its gone for good this time. But as the years passed, The purges took longer to do. I was burning a part of myself.
The longing to be outside dressed became more and more intense. It wasn't until i
stopped started to think about my safety, both psychical and mental. That I entertained the reality that this is something I need to do safely. Dragging my clothes out of the closet, so i didn't have to hide it, and go through the trauma of frantically changing clothes to answer the door, or risking my life walking the streets in the middle of the night was the first step.
But before all that, yeah, defo waves.
EDIT: Entered a quote to save double posting. Quote from: zamber74 on August 01, 2017, 03:00:18 PM
Of the posts of seen of yours, and so many other members around here, you all are always helping one another out. I have a therapist in the area I will eventually build up the nerve to see, I wrote her a while ago and she was very friendly. That is the next huge step for me, because I know once I go, and actually talk to her, things are going to change dramatically.
Perhaps then, I can actually contribute more to the forum than take away from it. You, on the other hand, are contributing to it, and I thank you for that.
All posts are a contribution. You might feel as though you are only "taking" but when somebody see's something they can relate to, this is often a relief. And provides a person with the opportunity of sharing their experience. Most of the time these are often quite difficult experiences. And the opportunity to share these experiences for the benefit of another, gives some positive value to what could be another wise a purely negative experience.
You Contribute :)
Pre HRT, the dysphoria would definitely fluctuate from zero to debilitating. I could go for several months without the dysphoria being an issue, but it would always come back, usually worse than before. When it did come back, I'd have a couple of bad weeks before I managed to push it back under the surface again. Because of this, my ex wife described living with me as being on an emotional rollercoaster. These cycles led me to question whether I was really trans, but it turns out to be quite common; particularly when you're in denial and fighting your inner feelings.
Oh yes. Denise described it I think as background noise. For me it was sort of like that. In reality what I found after starting HRT was it was a constant background anxiety. I was conscious of the moments it surfaced. In a store seeing a woman doing just normal mundane things. In my imagination when my mind was idle. During sex wishing I was in the "feminine" role. Being alone was part of the defense of not fitting in in society but alone my feelings would find a way to surface. I learned mostly how to contain the feelings. To prevent them from reaching the top of,y thoughts, most of the time. I once came to the logical conclusion that it didn't matter what my brain wanted, I was stuck living the role I was born into. I remember thinking I was never to be happy in this life. I was stuck just existing until old age. That was in my 20s. By 40 the draw of suicidal ideation was so much stronger. I some moments I just wanted it to end, by any means. I had a turmulturous relationship with my wife. For us nothing was easy. We lost two pregnancies before having two wonderful daughters. We nearly didn't make it again and again. I never fit into who she expected her man to be. I kept convincing myself I was a guy. Why should all guys be like she thought.
Today it all makes so much sense. Since I accepted who I am as an individual and am finding myself more and more, it all makes sooooo much sense. By looking at my life in a different perspective I find what she always expected of guys was all true by my own observations. I realized I do not think like guys do. I do however think like women do. One of those confirming talks was discussing my deepest, darkest, secrets. My instinctual desires. She very honestly said "I think most women would understand those feelings". Things I would never admit to any man. Except I have spoken about recently with my older brother. He is gay, but very much not trans. It is so interesting seeing how different my inner processes are compared to his. He quite literally not even imagine those feelings. It was an eye opener.
To put it plainly though, yes my disphoria came and went in waves. If I could stay mentally busy, which often meant physically busy as well, I could hold my feelings down with logical thinking. This led me to always working in logical endeavors like mechanical, hydraulics, electronics, ect. Still it was always present, always lurking in my mind.
There were months I couldn't wait to transition and others when I wondered if I was even trans. Every time I experienced doubt I convinced myself that no other trans person had any.
You also have doubts. They are your friends. They keep you from doing something really stupid. They will only go away if you give them the attention that they deserve first. Get to know them and figure out what makes them tick.
Best of luck. You're not alone.
I've noticed those fluctuations again, instead of creating a new thread I thought I would just stick to this one. The all encompassing desire to be a woman is still there, but I've noticed the level of fear is not as strong as it has been in the past. In addition to that, there is all of the work that is involved that contributes to such fluctuation.
And of course, body image.
Some days I'll look in the mirror, and think "I got this, I can make it happen!" Other days, I'll see a reflection of myself in the mirror, and think there is no way I can ever pull it off, I'll never pass and will forever be seen as some sort of monster ripe for the fear and ridicule of others. But the negative of it is having less of an impact on me.
So what if I am not accepted among society? What is the worst they will do to me? Laugh? Even if I don't pass, who is to say I can not just walk among society as a man, while being happier with my own body under the clothes of men? Or perhaps I'll just be a thorn in the side of society, and embrace it.. For those who would be so easily offended at my existence, I could fight back and remind them they do not own the world or me.
I would be lying, if I said I did not feel a streak of resentment toward certain factions of society, and embracing my own level of freak, while out and about is slightly appealing, although it is not at all the motivation or cause of why I want to be a woman. But what better way to offend the sensibilities of such factions of our society, than to make myself a mirror of their own hate and prejudice.
Of course, I being the shy individual I have always been will not likely pursue such course of action ;) It is slightly empowering to think of living such a life at times. I maintain the course, my wife and I talk about it often, she is supportive and I love that, we are even talking about moving out of this crazy state and to a more accommodating one. I'm losing weight, and once I hit my goal, the next step to take is the therapist.
If I lose weight as expected, that should be around January 25th, at 160 pounds.
I've lived with this for way too long, and to be honest - the only way I have been able to deal with it, to cope with such feelings, is to shut myself down and the world alongside with it. It has been a huge detriment on my life, and I can't continue on hiding from who I am.
I am in the same place as you. My GD has fluctuated. When I was trying to be a manly man, my crossdressing went hyper-feminine. The more girly or sexy the better. All in an effort to be as much of a girl as possible, the most feminine creature I could create.
I've calmed down somewhat and I am taking steps toward being more fem 24/7. The "sexy" part of crossdressing has diminished. What I think of now, is that if I had a girl's body, I'd be happy in a jean skirt and peasant top.
I just noticed this thread, but it really resonated with me. Sometimes my GD is crushing. Sometimes it's merely background noise. But ever since I recognized it as GD, it hasn't gone away. It's been several months now. It just makes me wonder how much GD I've experienced through the rest of my life without really recognizing or knowing what it was.
Ever since I recognized my feelings as GD, and started seeing a therapist, I've also realized how complex these emotions are. Sometimes I'm overcome with fear, sometimes just the pure anxiety of not being myself. But what's really odd is that sometimes this extreme anxiety can still be accompanied by some form of happiness. For example, I may be playing with my children, and part of me may feel like the happiest person in the world. But at the same time, I feel like the saddest person in the world because I'm putting on a facade to them as to who I really am.
I guess I've never been more in tune with my emotions than I am right now. It makes the ebb and flow of the GD all the more noticeable
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Quote from: amandam on September 02, 2017, 11:47:36 AM
What I think of now, is that if I had a girl's body, I'd be happy in a jean skirt and peasant top.
Me as well, although I wouldn't mind showing off every once in a while >:-)
Quote from: sf_erika on September 02, 2017, 01:34:18 PM
But at the same time, I feel like the saddest person in the world because I'm putting on a facade to them as to who I really am.
I guess I've never been more in tune with my emotions than I am right now. It makes the ebb and flow of the GD all the more noticeable
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I can relate well with the facade, it is how I always feel around people.. as though I am lying to everyone.
I think most of us that are this far in life probably went through this. I think it is just life. You go to work. Come home. Do whatever you do there and then do it all over the next day. And for down time you get involved in something that keeps your mind off it. It's like subconsciously you try to give yourself no time to think about it. But then when you do get some down time. It gets bad. And then it starts to carry over into everyday life. And you get through it. All is better in your mind. You forget again because you get busy. Then finally it overtakes you and you can't ignore it anymore. Then no matter what you do you can't forget anymore. You have to deal with it and you have to start transition.
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Oh god yes, the waves. Keeping things secret. The guilt. Every time it went away, I convinced myself it's just a fetish, it a phase. Every time it came back it was worse. When it became so bad I couldn't think of anything else, that's when I gave in. It's freeing, the GD is still there, but only distant background noise. Pre HRT, it was so much worse. I still can't get over how the mania basically stopped.
I actually love reading the 'woe is me' posts. It reminds me that we all have these feelings. We aren't alone. Believe me, sharing like you are doing and others is therapy for all of us!
Can some fool themselves with these fluctuations? There are certain things that I wouldn't want about being female. I wouldn't want periods, pregnancy, or menopause. There are also some things that I liked about being a man, mostly sex. I had one girlfriend who, the sex was so great, I felt like Thor. She was an amazing woman. Though I came to this forum newly in therapy with GD, I wonder if it is not completely real. Or maybe these things could be a sign that I'm not destined for SRS. Or maybe it's just that I'm really repressed.
Quote from: amandam on September 03, 2017, 01:40:28 AM
Can some fool themselves with these fluctuations? There are certain things that I wouldn't want about being female. I wouldn't want periods, pregnancy, or menopause. There are also some things that I liked about being a man, mostly sex. I had one girlfriend who, the sex was so great, I felt like Thor. She was an amazing woman. Though I came to this forum newly in therapy with GD, I wonder if it is not completely real. Or maybe these things could be a sign that I'm not destined for SRS. Or maybe it's just that I'm really repressed.
I never felt "like Thor" and I don't like my male sexuality at all. I'm not saying it never felt physically pleasurable, but it never really felt mentally right either.
In the end though, only you can decide what it is that you need.
I can relate to the feelings coming in waves. Ever since I was in elementary school I have been crossdressing and fantasizing about being female, and the want for this would build and build over the course of a month or two when I would finally try crossdressing again when I had the privacy to. It would be amazing, then right after I'd feel embarrassed and put it all away and say that was the last time, and the cycles would repeat.
In the past few months the cycles have been getting shorter however. It moved from every few months to every few weeks, to every week, and now it is coming and going on an almost daily pattern, feeling happy and female one day and feeling doubtful and hateful of myself the next day. I'm trying to work through the periods of dysphoria because I know that I want to come out the other side, but it can be tough some days.
Sometimes it seems like my GD is an obsessive-compulsive disorder. But even in the quiet times, I'd rather be a girl.
Isn't the ebb and flow,fun! Not! It seems to be the nature of the beast. I'm sure hormonal insanity has something to do with it. Suppress it and it ebbs back. Take your E and flows back to you. Find a a happy medium and we suppress our dysphoria. It makes me want to get the whole transition through so I am who I am instead of who I want to or imagine myself to be. Nothing makes you accept facts like waking up with all the proper parts...lol.
I'm having these waves lately again, really intensified. I started HRT a couple of months ago and losing my boyfriend because of it has made question everything. I know my sadness and uncertainty are led by the depression caused by losing my relationship but I can't help to hesitate and ask "is this really for me?" One minute I'm thinking I have to be strong and keep going, and the next minute I'm regretting things and asking God, Destiny, or whatever you wanna call it, why was I born with this ugly thing in my head, why couldn't I be "normal"?
It's pretty exhausting and annoying. I carry a lot of guilt as well, I thought I had this figured out already but the fact that he left me destabilized me. I'm hoping I get the strength to continue HRT until I get that mental peace that a lot of girls here talk about.
So yeah as you can see, we can still get these doubts and thoughts even after starting.
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I swear, it is like two steps forward one step back with me. Still dealing with the fluctuations, this is like an endless loop. The problem for now, is that I want my cake and to eat it too. I want to ensure my loved ones are happy, because when I see them hurting I suffer significantly. But, I want to be happy as well. I can't have both though, someone is going to get emotionally hurt and I always default to putting that burden on myself.
I want to be a woman, but at this rate it feels like it will never happen. It doesn't even make sense to me, why this is so important? It is not sexual, it is not fashion, it is just a constant feeling that I am supposed to be a woman that never entirely goes away, and the pull gets strong every few months.
I feel I know exactly how this is going to play out, right now I am the early stage of this wave it is only going to get stronger, I won't fight it if anything I will likely embrace it, I will start making plans to see a therapist, but get cold feet. I know once I have a therapist, to talk to, it is likely a sure thing. I'll tell them how absolutely guilty I feel, they will likely help me through those feelings of guilt. The problem is, knowing that is enough for me to stop looking for a therapist. . Eventually I will see it as impossible, I'll look in the mirror get really depressed, feel really guilty about almost hurting family, but still hold on to hope that one day I build up enough courage to progress further.
Perhaps this wave will be my lucky one though, who knows? Perhaps for once I'll put myself before my family on this one issue. Perhaps I will actually see a therapist, take hormones, and see where that leads me. I do know that with the past few waves, I have taken ever so little steps. Acceptance of myself being one, telling my wife being another. It is just such a long process, it is almost inevitable that transition will occur. I am almost certain after my parents have passed away, there is going to be less holding me back. Not that I am looking forward to such an event of them being gone, I dread it.
The feelings of guilt I get, are really hard to deal with at times. I'm not going to do anything rash, but it really is hard, it hurts a lot, and I am tired of going through this over and over again.
Anyway, just more of my hopeless ramblings. I'll keep it to this one thread. I do hope, that my own experiences help others. My advice to anyone, is don't follow the same steps I have, I'm 43 now and have been feeling this way since a child. I suggest you see a therapist, and don't be a coward like I am being.
I hope, that years do not pass with me posting the same thing over and over again. I hope one day I actually take care of this guilt complex of mine, but even considering taking care of it, makes me feel guilty.. I swear, I'm hopeless at times. Thanks for reading.
Also, I apologize for not responding to everyone. I do appreciate all of your replies.
Quote from: Denise on July 31, 2017, 01:31:28 PM
Mine was quite livable. I considered it background noise in my life. Then one day it wasn't background noise any more. It would last a few hours, then most of the day and then I could literally think of nothing else. That increase was over a month's time. So, 50 years of back ground, then build up to intolerable in about a month.
Once I came out to myself and two others and a GD Councilor it diminished. But still not something I could ignore. It's a funny thing G.D. is. I think of it like a cat with claws. If you stroke it and keep it comfy on your lap it purrs. Stop patting and the claws come out, first a little warning then it shreds your clothes.
I came out to my wife at the start of the week and now it feels like thr gd is gone. Well not gone its still there but its almost like i dont mind it sitting on my shoulder. Im waiting for this to pass as i cant imagine it will last a long time. Even in this time i can feel the erge to buy a wig but i can tell it to go away
G.D. is an interesting thing. Before starting transition - which in reality started at least a year ago by entertaining thoughts of wishing I was female and not denying them I would have days where I thought nothing of it. Then there were days I'd observe every little detail around me and wish my body wasn't male.
In the end it became quite silly. I've known what I need to do for st least 28 years but never did anything about it. When a quiet time arrived I examined all the evidence. Found myself foolishly denying the truth and decided to do sonething about it.
G.D. doesn't really go away even on HRT for me. I still see wonen and wish I could do more to erase the maleness in me. Its easier to cope with, but I know it will always be present at some level.
I'm just laying here, day dreaming and thinking. I am catching on to a few trends I follow, and trying to make sense of them. Right now, I am thinking of where all of this guilt and shame is coming from, the life of low self esteem, depression, along with anxiety being around others.
It all comes down to expectations and roles we are assigned based upon our gender, and I do absolutely miserable as a man. I have spent most of my life hiding from people, trying to get away from those roles and expectations. But I feel ashamed about it, I always have. As though I am letting down society as a whole. I feel as though I am nothing more than a drain on society, and not holding up to their expectations.
Reading various comments on the Internet, hearing it from former coworkers, even my own family and it always comes down to how people treat one another, according to their gender, what is expected. It is such absolute rubbish. I'm not a man, I never have been a man, I can not live as a man, I have the equipment down stairs, but that is it. I can not survive in a man's world, I can not live with myself by pretending to be a man in this society. Every time I have tried to be a man, I have failed.
I really need to speak to a therapist, if for nothing else but to put my poor mind at ease, to lift the burden of guilt of not living up to society's standards. I don't even think it is internalized transphobia, it is just being a disappointment to most people, and how the world views me.
I don't hold these standards upon others, but I know they are expected of me, and not being able to uphold them is killing me. I feel like I owe the world something, and am in debt.. I don't hold others to such standards though. I don't know how to break myself of this mentality.
So, yet another depressing post to my thread.
If my thread is getting a bit out of hand, please let me know. I'll stop posting to it, I don't want to drag other people down, and I hope I am not.
I get it. I have been dealing with this a lot especially recently. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't just a phase but then I look back at my life and see all the signs, unfortunately I was pushing those feelings away for so long that I am confused about what I really am. Since June of last year the urge has been pretty strong with it subsiding briefly in November then it came back stronger. It's hard because I am having family issues on top of it. I wished I could just be normal but in reality there really isn't a normal to base ones life on.
I think it is easy to fluctuate because there is so much at stake. It really depends on where you are at in life and how comfortable you really are with yourself. I believe location can have a huge impact on this because if you are in a place that is intolerant of trans issues then you might fluctuate because you don't feel comfortable with it. Just know that no matter what you are who you are regardless.
Quote from: SomeGirlShay on January 24, 2018, 12:16:43 PM
I get it. I have been dealing with this a lot especially recently. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't just a phase but then I look back at my life and see all the signs, unfortunately I was pushing those feelings away for so long that I am confused about what I really am. Since June of last year the urge has been pretty strong with it subsiding briefly in November then it came back stronger. It's hard because I am having family issues on top of it. I wished I could just be normal but in reality there really isn't a normal to base ones life on.
I read your other thread, and wasn't sure how to respond to it, but it sounds like a very difficult time for you. I'm fortunate, as few others have been, my wife supports me. There have been no fights, head games, etc.. I just don't know how everyone else can do it, you all are a lot more capable than me, that much is for certain. Right now, I'm okay with not being normal, I wouldn't change that, I just have this unending feeling of guilt, because I am not what society wants me to be, and I imagine the same would extend to my parents and brothers.
Hopefully in a few months, I will be posting about how I am seeing a therapist, taking HRT, etc. I'm already growing my hair out, trying to lose weight, but there is so much further I need to go, especially with the guilt complex.. if I can overcome that, then I can get on with life. If not, then it is just going to be this same miserable cycle spinning for the rest of my life.
I hope likewise, things turn around for the best for you as well.
Quote from: zamber74 on January 24, 2018, 01:53:22 PM
I read your other thread, and wasn't sure how to respond to it, but it sounds like a very difficult time for you. I'm fortunate, as few others have been, my wife supports me. There have been no fights, head games, etc.. I just don't know how everyone else can do it, you all are a lot more capable than me, that much is for certain. Right now, I'm okay with not being normal, I wouldn't change that, I just have this unending feeling of guilt, because I am not what society wants me to be, and I imagine the same would extend to my parents and brothers.
Thank you for your response, it is very much appreciated. I wish you the best of luck in your journey, it sure is a varied experience that is for sure. No two paths are a like. :)
Posted by: zamber74
QuoteEvery time I have tried to be a man, I have failed.
This is an important point you've made. Have you ever really looked at that information and dissected it? Thought about what you might mean by it? What value it has to your experience?
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on January 24, 2018, 05:49:08 PM
Posted by: zamber74
This is an important point you've made. Have you ever really looked at that information and dissected it? Thought about what you might mean by it? What value it has to your experience?
:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:
I did not fail in my pre-transition life. I persevered. I struggled. I prospered. My history isn't a throw-away trash novel. It made me who I am today. I want the sequel, if it is recorded, to be an even greater triumph.
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on January 24, 2018, 05:49:08 PM
This is an important point you've made. Have you ever really looked at that information and dissected it? Thought about what you might mean by it? What value it has to your experience?
Sure, I am not what society expects out of men. I'm a home maker, I'm indecisive, far too empathetic, not competitive, accommodating, emotional, passive to a fault, the list goes on. I have tried to be more masculine to fit in, but it goes against my nature and does not work, it only serves to make me look awkward and out of place, probably because it makes me feel weird and out of place :D
The value is that I don't fit in with most men, and society in general (especially here in the south). I make people feel uncomfortable, and they in turn make me feel uncomfortable. :'( I have known women, who are more masculine than me, and they usually get a kick out of it. My last boss used to tell me to pull my panties up, no joke.
I fail at being a man, and I'm okay with that. I just don't like being a disappointment to a lot of society. Now I am just being depressing though, even more than I was :) It is really not all that bad, and I don't want to make this out as though my life is just one huge tragic event, there are a lot of good parts in life too.
I know men that have all the attributes you named as female qualities. None of them are gay or trans. My therapist asked me whether or not I identified female or as a failure as a man. It was certainly something that caught me off guard but I had to look and figure out if I truly was female or if I had just created a persona of what a man should be in my mind. I'm merely giving you information you can process to open doors that allow you to further explore what you really feel. You are probably trans, but if you're not and conflating your feelings, you may be able to see something from a new perspective you hadn't noticed before. If there had been a magic pill I could have taken to be okay with being born male, I'd have jumped on it. Because this whole thing is hard and can greande a lot if not all of your life. Remember that there's always time to transition but once it's done, its done. I hope the best for you regardless of whatever path you choose
I simply identify as myself, I would not know how to respond to the therapist if asked that question. I would tell her I wish I were a woman, but ask her/him how could I identify as a woman when I have never lived as one? I would say that yes, as a man I do not make the mark that is generally associated with men in our society. If society were to hand us all grades, based upon our gender, I would probably get an 'F' on my report card. But I would also mention I don't see that as a horrible thing, I just do not seek to be a better man. I do not feel a sense of loss, because I am not masculine, I do feel as though I am a burden on society though, I do not fit the place people want me to be in.
I don't know if there is a way to explain how I feel, at least not by me. I lack the articulation to put such words to what I feel, and will never fully be able to express them in a manner that would convey those feelings correctly. I am always full of doubt though, and constantly question myself on everything, which makes for a very confusing way of going through life. If you follow my posts, you'll probably see a mass of confusion ;) I tend to hop from one idea to the next, never holding true to anything.
I've been putting off transitioning for a long time now, I'm not really in a rush, but I would like to eventually be comfortable with myself, unfortunately I don't even know if transition will result with me getting to that sweet spot or not. Part of me, at least would be happy with knowing that I tried.
I completely agree with further introspection, I just have been doing it for a long time, and it is a madhouse in my head I tell ya ;D I feel bad for the therapist that has to sort through my spaghetti code, to try to help me understand it all. I just hope I don't pull them in with me.
Sorry for being late to the party, but a lot of what people have written apply to me also.
I can go from extreme anxiety and sometimes suicidal thoughts to going off my food and withdrawing into myself to thinking I might not be trans at all and it's just something I have made up.
My dysphoria just spiked when I was following a young girl down a flight of stairs at work. Her mannerisms, hair, nails, clothes, etc captivated me and I felt the dysphoria rising. It does fluctuate for me a lot but certain things do trigger it.
It has been a while since I have posted here, but I'm still feeling the tug. It has never gone away, the thing is my posts just sound like a broken record, posting the same thing over and over again is sure to get annoying. Off of this forum, I often feel like I'm being torn apart, there is the person that other people need me to be, and then there is the person I want to be. I can handle being the person others need me to be, but it is not much of a life. It is not horrible, I don't spend my days in agony, but it is just not where I want to be in life. You have to understand, I feel quite a lot of guilt for not meeting the needs of others. I often feel like the rock other people can build off of, and to take that rock away from them, well .. that is harder to do, than it would be to go my own way and do my own thing. I need to find a balance, but have yet to come to that place in life.
Of course, internalized transphobia must be playing a part in it all, my own little inner bigot constantly shaming me.. It is amazing how strong of a bastard the thing is. It finds just about any insecurity I have, and just feeds on it.. I bet a lot of you know how that is. That is another reason I don't post often, because despite how great all of you are, how supportive, and kind, all of the experience you have to share, that monster in me has a pretty strong hold, and it really comes down to me to find a way to beat it. People talk about inner demons, I think they mean something completely different, but I suppose this is my inner demon.
Regardless, I have found some form of refuge from it all. Second Life, what an amazing thing it has been for the past few days. Shopping for gorgeous outfits, walking around with no shame, and dancing... oh yes, the dancing, it was amazing! I spent the past several hours just dancing around in a virtual world, and it was so amazing :) I really do feel free there, I can be myself and not worry about the real world.
I know it is just an escape, but it for now provides a balance. Plus, I'm learning a lot.
Oh well, just posting an update. This is more like a journal, than a thread, but it is pretty therapeutic for me.. plus my actual journal is mostly boring day to day things, it is hard to keep track of.
Yes, it´s a wave, until one day it is not. Don´t let it go that far, seriously.
I had two options, I will either go lie down with my mother, in a family grave, and everything for that solution, was ready. Or I will transition.
And the fact, that there one day was only 2 options, both bad in a way, that the situation in my head required immediate transition, which I did, was something, that I hadn´t anticipated. There were certain things, that contributed to the fact, that I ended up in a really bad place, for fighting the waves for 20 to 30 years.
Be careful, and don´t let it go to the same point, that I let it go.
Quote from: Mendi on June 23, 2018, 04:45:29 AM
Yes, it´s a wave, until one day it is not. Don´t let it go that far, seriously.
I had two options, I will either go lie down with my mother, in a family grave, and everything for that solution, was ready. Or I will transition.
And the fact, that there one day was only 2 options, both bad in a way, that the situation in my head required immediate transition, which I did, was something, that I hadn´t anticipated. There were certain things, that contributed to the fact, that I ended up in a really bad place, for fighting the waves for 20 to 30 years.
Be careful, and don´t let it go to the same point, that I let it go.
I am glad you chose the route to stay with us :) I can't choose the option of being buried, that would be cruel to my loved ones and they would likely blame themselves, I think that would probably be worst for some of them, than it would be to just transition. I think if it came to a sustained pull, I would likely just get my act together and transition, it might actually be a good thing for me, who knows?
On the other hand, it is easy to say the above after a couple of glasses of alcohol. I don't like thinking about it, I've been to close to that point and would rather just shove it as far away from me as possible. The fact that you did go through such a scenario and pulled through does make me happy though. Not that you had to face it, but you were able to get past that point. I hate to think of anyone being in that position.
Regardless, I'm happy in SL right now, dancing in a cute little dress, and a nice pair of high heels. It might not be the real thing, but it is keeping me going for now. I'm going to enjoy whatever I can for now :D
I've been feeling detached lately, I'm tired of waiting and everything that I usually do that brings me enjoyment just doesn't seem to do it anymore. At this point GD is not terribly strong, but there is this emptiness that I know will never go away and I don't know how long I can keep going on like this without having a breakdown.
It has been going on for over 30 years now, and I am exhausted. For the past couple of months, I wake up, and just wait for the day to end so I can go to sleep. Even drinking alcohol is no longer fun, I'll have a few shots and get bored with it, that was one of my last bastions of enjoyment, just letting loose and feeling comfortable.
No one really understands what this is like in my family, the torture my mind is constantly enduring. I feel like I have lived my life for others, and my concern for their well being. As though if I were to transition, they would lose me, because to them, my gender is a fundamental part of who I am. It is such a shame that is how it is.
I constantly catch myself uttering "I wish I were dead", of course I know better, I don't want to die.. I just want to get away from this obligation to others, the sense of guilt that comes every time I think of transitioning. And here is a messed up thing, that shows how messed up of a person I am. One of my relatives died, and while I was sad, I was also in a way relieved. I thought how I will never have to come out to them, that they died believing I was a good "guy", and they never had to deal with me as I truly feel.
I feel as though the love I hold for others, it shackles me, it is an obligation holds me from progressing, and it is like I am just waiting for them to pass on so that the person they want me to be will be the person they die remembering. It is just really messed up - and please do not think I want them to die, I don't even know how to explain it. just saying that makes me feel like a real psychopath. I just feel as though I am imprisoned by the love I have for others.
And here is the thing, I don't even know if transitioning will make me happy. It is a gamble, I could lose people I love, worst, far worst than that, is I could hurt them because they have this idea of who I am, which has always been wrong but upheld for their benefit..
And now I feel selfish for writing the above, should I feel selfish? Am I a monster for thinking the things I do?
I don't know, just more ramblings for my thread.
So this might sound odd but, mine was actually not so bad pre transition. It actually GOT WORSE once I started, but that was because for me, I started transitioning as soon as I found out what GD and being trans was. Before, the feeling would come and go but since I have heavy anxiety and depression, I thought it was that.
For instance, during sex pre-transition, if someone touched my chest area (although it turned me on :p ) id feel a wave of that feeling ... I'd go on and ignore it because I just said to myself "it must be the feelings of loneliness and insecurity. The person touching me right now WANTS to have sex with me, so it's OK. " then I'd try and distract myself. And then after sex I needed to be held tight...REALLY tight (so it squishes me against them to feel like my breasts don't really exist) to make it go away in the end. I thought this was some kind of "endorphins released so I need to be held to feel loved" thing. And other instances.
Another example is I'd have to be bear hugged (like above) when I'd get out the shower. I thought it was because of my fear of showers...but only that helped, not calming down or leaving the area or anything. I didn't understand completely, so I pushed it back as much as possible. Turns out it was because of having to see my body that gave me such grief.
Then I found out about transgender people and transitioning, and everything clicked. I got on starting therapy and HRT within that year. After 5 years it's gotten better, but at first, between finally understanding what's been bothering me since I was 6, and the HRT mood changes, it was hard. First binding helped, but sometimes it would make me more aware of the (not so)fun bags on my chest. Especially in the cold. Ugh. Then after i shaved my hair, when it grew back quick, I kept noticing that. And this and that, suddenly instead of pushing it to the back of my mind I couldn't stop noticing all the little things that screamed DUDE...YOU WERE DFAB ... YOURE NOT THE DUDE YOU WANNA BE AND YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.
But with time, therapy and hormones (and top surgery possibly on the horizon) for the first time in a while I had hope. So instead of being bombarded, it only popped up badly 60% of the times I had sex and like 50% percent of the time in the shower. And not so much during normal days. When it would randomly pop up (not talking about the above triggers), I'd take a deep breath, calm myself, and remind myself over and over that this is ONLY TEMPORARY. That one day I'll be the man I should have been born as. And the hope is enough to push me through. Therapy helps too. I got lucky my mom was supportive..my girlfriend is too, but she wasn't at first. We broke up and even though she was my friend, it took a year for us to really get through it and for her to stop saying stupid things like "you're angry? Oh is it the T getting to you?"and other mean things.
You might not have a special someone to back you up and scared about your family but..take it from someone who's attempted suicide because they thought they might be reincarnated in their right body next time....don't wait. Live for yourself. You have to make yourself happy, you weren't created to please other people. You were born to love and care for YOU.
You say yourself , it's been over 30 years. I started at 19, I can't imagine going through an extra 11 years of not being myself. You owe yourself that. You ARE NOT selfish. OR a monster. I understand.
Take a minute and picture your ideal future. Like really, think hard, in it, are you transitioned or not ? Think of what would truly make you beyond happy, what you'd wish for yourself if you had a wish (and had to use it on yourself).
If the answer is you're transitioning/transitioned, then you know what you truly want and what you need to do. See a gender therapist. Speak to professionals. Do more research.
This next part is. CRUCIAL. Take a small trip somewhere where you won't be recognized. Or even spend time in a different part of town. Dressed as a woman. Make up, dresses, and all. Walk around, get lunch, hang at a book store. Even if you don't pass, just see how it feels to live as a woman completely. Do this for a while. Therapists recommend at least a year of this, but months are fine. If it just solidifies your feelings, then you know the answer. Look into HRT and make things happen.
Come out at your own pace. It's not a rush. You need to understand, if they cant love you unconditionally enough to support your decision, then it's better. Better than living your life lying to appease them. If you're just waiting til they keel over to do it so you don't lose them, then you already know you want to,
Taking the first step sometimes is the scariest part. But that's what this community is for. And the therapists. You'll make new friends, find lovers and people who accept you as you. If not, then screw em. They don't care about your feelings, because this is a serious life changing thing that shows who your true friends are.
You might also need to see someone in general because it sounds like you have depression too, so you can start like that. Just remember, YOU DESERVE THIS. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS.
My dad is transphobic and homophobic but he is learning to deal with me. Both my parents misgender me a lot (19 years of calling someone by one name is a hard thing to change though) but they try. They've learned how badly this affects me and how much I need this. Hopefully yours see that too. If not, then they might eventually. Worse comes to worse, you will make your own family of people who love and support you with friends, lovers and others.
(This is all assuming you don't live with them, if you do, it might be harder. They can kick you out.)
Just find your happiness, follow your bliss, and don't let anyone get in the way or make you feel bad about doing what's important and necessary.
Best of luck ,
Adam
P.S. I just wanted to add, sometimes, especially at first, I'd get really suicidal. I thought I was better off dead (damn depression and mood swings). The one thing that stopped me when it got bad was that I didn't want to die before I got to be the man I am inside. When I realized that thought, it helped me stay afloat, thinking that I should at least get to die in the body I want, just in case I need it sometime after >_> . But it also made me realize how crucial it is to transition and keep going no matter what.
Quote from: Fadeuhhway on September 15, 2018, 12:17:28 AM
The one thing that stopped me when it got bad was that I didn't want to die before I got to be the man I am inside.
Same for me, but the opposite. I still think this anyway.
After accepting I'm trans and before starting hrt I had what I consider pretty bad paranoia and even brief delusional episodes. I thought strangers knew this deep dark secret I was hiding and they were going to do something awful to me.
That's one reason that it's hard for me to go outside sometimes, but I try anyway now that I'm almost a year on hrt....
I didn't start crossdressing until about 24-25. I constantly had urges or thoughts to try but never did. I started hormones at 27. Sometimes I don't know if waiting so long helped or hurt me. I think a little of both.
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Quote from: zamber74 on September 12, 2018, 07:44:51 PMI don't even know if transitioning will make me happy. It is a gamble,
So, rather than gamble on something that might make you happy or might not, you would rather stick with a sure thing where you know you will be unhappy.
I spent decades stuck in that spot. Eventually, I realized that taking a chance on happiness was better than sticking with what wasn't working. You can read lots of stories here about people who made the lead and are happy that they did.
Quote from: KathyLauren on September 20, 2018, 07:33:00 AM
So, rather than gamble on something that might make you happy or might not, you would rather stick with a sure thing where you know you will be unhappy.
I spent decades stuck in that spot. Eventually, I realized that taking a chance on happiness was better than sticking with what wasn't working. You can read lots of stories here about people who made the lead and are happy that they did.
I spent years burying myself in work, trying mindful meditation, and finally, exercising for (too) long periods daily to dodge the gender dysphoria.
Like KathyLauren, I realized how miserable I was (suicidal depression... It took a while for the need to change to sink in), and opted for a try at happiness. It destroyed my family, and cost me dearly, yet I am now the happiest I have ever been in my adult life. Yes, IT WAS WORTH IT.
Here's the thing. This culture likes to teach us that the best way to live our lives is to put others first. There's something to that, but it can be taken to the extreme, something we do pre-transition. We put others first, and ourselves absolutely last, to the point that we will undergo agonizing black depression and anxiety to avoid making our loved ones slightly, perhaps momentarily uncomfortable.
That is a very poor tradeoff.
If our loved ones love US, and not some comfy skin deep persona we present with parts of ourself suppressed, then, well, they love us, and we should be able to share how we feel.
If it turns out that they only love the false front, that we are of no concern, or perhaps even repulsive to them, then there isn't a decent basis there for a real and honest long term relationship. We are kidding ourselves when we deny our authentic selves to remain in such a relationship.
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 20, 2018, 09:47:02 AM
If our loved ones love US, and not some comfy skin deep persona we present with parts of ourself suppressed, then, well, they love us, and we should be able to share how we feel.
If it turns out that they only love the false front, that we are of no concern, or perhaps even repulsive to them, then there isn't a decent basis there for a real and honest long term relationship. We are kidding ourselves when we deny our authentic selves to remain in such a relationship.
This is SO true. Over this past year I have asked my wife various questions to find if she actually loves ME or my false front and it's definitely the false front.
I asked her if she would prefer me to be trans or a male paraplegic and she opted for the paraplegic
She also would prefer me to be depressed and on anti-depressants for the rest of my life to stay male for her.
Spoke volumes to me.
Quote from: zamber74 on September 12, 2018, 07:44:51 PM
I've been feeling detached lately, I'm tired of waiting and everything that I usually do that brings me enjoyment just doesn't seem to do it anymore. At this point GD is not terribly strong, but there is this emptiness that I know will never go away and I don't know how long I can keep going on like this without having a breakdown.
It has been going on for over 30 years now, and I am exhausted. For the past couple of months, I wake up, and just wait for the day to end so I can go to sleep. Even drinking alcohol is no longer fun, I'll have a few shots and get bored with it, that was one of my last bastions of enjoyment, just letting loose and feeling comfortable.
No one really understands what this is like in my family, the torture my mind is constantly enduring. I feel like I have lived my life for others, and my concern for their well being. As though if I were to transition, they would lose me, because to them, my gender is a fundamental part of who I am. It is such a shame that is how it is.
I constantly catch myself uttering "I wish I were dead", of course I know better, I don't want to die.. I just want to get away from this obligation to others, the sense of guilt that comes every time I think of transitioning. And here is a messed up thing, that shows how messed up of a person I am. One of my relatives died, and while I was sad, I was also in a way relieved. I thought how I will never have to come out to them, that they died believing I was a good "guy", and they never had to deal with me as I truly feel.
I feel as though the love I hold for others, it shackles me, it is an obligation holds me from progressing, and it is like I am just waiting for them to pass on so that the person they want me to be will be the person they die remembering. It is just really messed up - and please do not think I want them to die, I don't even know how to explain it. just saying that makes me feel like a real psychopath. I just feel as though I am imprisoned by the love I have for others.
And here is the thing, I don't even know if transitioning will make me happy. It is a gamble, I could lose people I love, worst, far worst than that, is I could hurt them because they have this idea of who I am, which has always been wrong but upheld for their benefit..
And now I feel selfish for writing the above, should I feel selfish? Am I a monster for thinking the things I do?
I don't know, just more ramblings for my thread.
WOW, this really hits home. I definitely understand what you mean when you say that you feel shackled by your love for others. I love my family, whom I believe will not support me. I love my wife more than anything and she has been unable to give me the support that she wants to. I burn to be feminine in a way that I can't even describe. I am 52 next week and it feels like I have wasted a lifetime of opportunity to be me. To be a woman. To hell with society and it's obligations but those are the exact things that have held me back for my entire life.
I decided to leave it all on the table and if those things are taken from me then so be it, but I am going to walk this journey on my terms from now on. I'm not on HRT as of yet but I am working towards that. I am bettering my health in preparation for the hormones. I am taking steps to learn how to present as a woman. I haven't ever truly crossdressed before. All I did was wear my Mom's clothes when I was young. That felt so right to me until I got caught. I'm not going to allow the possible repercussions of my actions keep me from trying to be the me that I was meant for. That me is Gabrielle and this is my journey. I will most likely lose everything I hold dear but I can't live this way any longer. And I won't! I thank God for people like Susan. People who have helped me realize that living an genuine life is worth risking everything you have.
Zamber be good to yourself. Be true to yourself. Give yourself a chance to shine. Drop those shackles and be free to live your life on your terms. You only get one chance at life. Please don't wait another 20 years like I did to give yourself a chance. In my opinion, the risk is worth it. This is just my opinion of course. You ultimately have to life your own life. Just know that I'm here for you sister. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: VickyS on September 20, 2018, 11:25:44 AM
This is SO true. Over this past year I have asked my wife various questions to find if she actually loves ME or my false front and it's definitely the false front.
I asked her if she would prefer me to be trans or a male paraplegic and she opted for the paraplegic
She also would prefer me to be depressed and on anti-depressants for the rest of my life to stay male for her.
Spoke volumes to me.
I would need clarification on your question. You asked if they would
prefer it ... I don't know any heterosexual female that wouldn't prefer keeping their male partner. Love shines though when they prefer it but still want you to become the person that you were meant to be. They may stay with you, they may not, which is totally aside from the question.
obviously preferring a paraplegic just to keep the male is wrong, but you have to account for knee-jerk responses that aren't exactly truth.
I''m going to stop now before I type something that makes worse sense.
Quote from: Faith on September 20, 2018, 01:20:57 PM
I would need clarification on your question. You asked if they would prefer it ... I don't know any heterosexual female that wouldn't prefer keeping their male partner. Love shines though when they prefer it but still want you to become the person that you were meant to be. They may stay with you, they may not, which is totally aside from the question.
obviously preferring a paraplegic just to keep the male is wrong, but you have to account for knee-jerk responses that aren't exactly truth.
I''m going to stop now before I type something that makes worse sense.
Hi Faith,
Thank for your reply.
It was a few months after coming out to her and it was in a calm situation and not an argument.
I asked which she would prefer, me to be a fully able transwoman or a male paraplegic and she chose the male paraplegic which said to me that she loves the male exterior but not the person inside.
Quote from: Denise on July 31, 2017, 01:31:28 PM
Mine was quite livable. I considered it background noise in my life. Then one day it wasn't background noise any more. It would last a few hours, then most of the day and then I could literally think of nothing else. That increase was over a month's time. So, 50 years of back ground, then build up to intolerable in about a month.
Once I came out to myself and two others and a GD Councilor it diminished. But still not something I could ignore. It's a funny thing G.D. is. I think of it like a cat with claws. If you stroke it and keep it comfy on your lap it purrs. Stop patting and the claws come out, first a little warning then it shreds your clothes.
I like this post and can relate to it.
Peace,
Julie
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 31, 2017, 06:49:37 PM
It was like that for me before I started doing something about it. Once I started therapy (4 months ago), hormones etc, those fluctuations went away...In fact I only remembered about them just now reading your post. It was a never ending cycle as I'm sure it is for you. And the fact that I never really felt super awful about it or suicidal, tricked me into thinking it wasn't that bad so I stayed in my comfort zone. I finally snapped out of it and started working on achieving this.
Yeah, me too. It's crazy how our sub-conscious can really wreak havoc on how our everyday lives go. Peace on the surface...tidal waves beneath.
Julie
Yes and my GD is in full swing.
And it's really bad this go around and my alcohol usage has started to spike after not drinking for 7 months.
I've gone the whole year thus far with out really dressing or doing anything femme, then one day in early September, it hit and it hit seriously hard. It felt like someone threw a switch. I've started shopping for myself again, getting femme in my mannerisms. Pretty soon i will be shaved, playing with makeup, going out, and the urge to transition will be ever present in my mind. I start envying GG's for the things they get to wear and the things they get to do in their everyday life.
If i stay super busy, it will go away. Last year, my therapist gave the diagnosis i feared so much, that i truly had gender dysphoria. That alone helped me quite a bit as i had thought that my attraction to female clothing at a very early age was a case of experimentation that had damaged me, that it was somehow my fault. It was nice to get rid of that guilt, plus discover that i was using masturbation as a means to suppress my inner gender turmoil (endorphin release).
Things started moving forward, a doctors appointment was scheduled with an HRT specialist. I chickened out.
now i am here again. It makes me so exhausted at times. Sometimes, i just want to cry....
So to answer your question, yes it does come in waves.