Did GD fluctuate for you pre transition

[SomeGirlShay]

I read your other thread, and wasn't sure how to respond to it, but it sounds like a very difficult time for you.  I'm fortunate, as few others have been, my wife supports me.  There have been no fights, head games, etc.. I just don't know how everyone else can do it, you all are a lot more capable than me, that much is for certain.  Right now, I'm okay with not being normal, I wouldn't change that, I just have this unending feeling of guilt, because I am not what society wants me to be, and I imagine the same would extend to my parents and brothers.

Thank you for your response, it is very much appreciated. I wish you the best of luck in your journey, it sure is a varied experience that is for sure. No two paths are a like.

[Jessica Lynne]

Posted by: zamber74

Every time I have tried to be a man, I have failed. 

This is an important point you've made. Have you ever really looked at that information and dissected it? Thought about what you might mean by it? What value it has to your experience?

[rmaddy]

Posted by: zamber74
This is an important point you've made. Have you ever really looked at that information and dissected it? Thought about what you might mean by it? What value it has to your experience?

I did not fail in my pre-transition life.  I persevered. I struggled. I prospered.  My history isn't a throw-away trash novel.  It made me who I am today.  I want the sequel, if it is recorded, to be an even greater triumph.

[zamber74]

This is an important point you've made. Have you ever really looked at that information and dissected it? Thought about what you might mean by it? What value it has to your experience?

Sure, I am not what society expects out of men.  I'm a home maker, I'm indecisive, far too empathetic, not competitive, accommodating, emotional, passive to a fault, the list goes on.  I have tried to be more masculine to fit in, but it goes against my nature and does not work, it only serves to make me look awkward and out of place, probably because it makes me feel weird and out of place   

The value is that I don't fit in with most men, and society in general (especially here in the south).  I make people feel uncomfortable, and they in turn make me feel uncomfortable.     I have known women, who are more masculine than me, and they usually get a kick out of it.  My last boss used to tell me to pull my panties up, no joke. 

I fail at being a man, and I'm okay with that.  I just don't like being a disappointment to a lot of society.  Now I am just being depressing though, even more than I was   It is really not all that bad, and I don't want to make this out as though my life is just one huge tragic event, there are a lot of good parts in life too. 

[Jessica Lynne]

I know men that  have all the attributes you named as female qualities. None of them are gay or trans. My therapist asked me whether or not I identified female or as a failure as a man. It was certainly something that caught me off guard but I had to look and figure out if I truly was female or if I had just created a persona of what a man should be in my mind. I'm merely giving you information you can process to open doors that allow you to further explore what you really feel. You are probably trans, but if you're not and conflating your feelings, you may be able to see something from a new perspective you hadn't noticed before. If there had been a magic pill I could have taken to be okay with being born male, I'd have jumped on it. Because this whole thing is hard and can greande a lot if not all of your life. Remember that there's always time to transition but once it's done, its done. I hope the best for you regardless of whatever path you choose

[zamber74]

I simply identify as myself, I would not know how to respond to the therapist if asked that question.  I would tell her I wish I were a woman, but ask her/him how could I identify as a woman when I have never lived as one?  I would say that yes, as a man I do not make the mark that is generally associated with men in our society.  If society were to hand us all grades, based upon our gender, I would probably get an 'F' on my report card.  But I would also mention I don't see that as a horrible thing, I just do not seek to be a better man.  I do not feel a sense of loss, because I am not masculine, I do feel as though I am a burden on society though, I do not fit the place people want me to be in.

I don't know if there is a way to explain how I feel, at least not by me.  I lack the articulation to put such words to what I feel, and will never fully be able to express them in a manner that would convey those feelings correctly.  I am always full of doubt though, and constantly question myself on everything, which makes for a very confusing way of going through life.  If you follow my posts, you'll probably see a mass of confusion   I tend to hop from one idea to the next, never holding true to anything. 

I've been putting off transitioning for a long time now, I'm not really in a rush, but I would like to eventually be comfortable with myself, unfortunately I don't even know if transition will result with me getting to that sweet spot or not.  Part of me, at least would be happy with knowing that I tried.

I completely agree with further introspection, I just have been doing it for a long time, and it is a madhouse in my head I tell ya    I feel bad for the therapist that has to sort through my spaghetti code, to try to help me understand it all.  I just hope I don't pull them in with me.

[VickyS]

Sorry for being late to the party, but a lot of what people have written apply to me also.
I can go from extreme anxiety and sometimes suicidal thoughts to going off my food and withdrawing into myself to thinking I might not be trans at all and it's just something I have made up.

My dysphoria just spiked when I was following a young girl down a flight of stairs at work.  Her mannerisms, hair, nails, clothes, etc captivated me and I felt the dysphoria rising.  It does fluctuate for me a lot but certain things do trigger it.

[zamber74]

It has been a while since I have posted here, but I'm still feeling the tug.  It has never gone away, the thing is my posts just sound like a broken record, posting the same thing over and over again is sure to get annoying. Off of this forum,  I often feel like I'm being torn apart, there is the person that other people need me to be, and then there is the person I want to be.  I can handle being the person others need me to be, but it is not much of a life.  It is not horrible, I don't spend my days in agony, but it is just not where I want to be in life.  You have to understand, I feel quite a lot of guilt for not meeting the needs of others.  I often feel like the rock other people can build off of, and to take that rock away from them, well .. that is harder to do, than it would be to go my own way and do my own thing.  I need to find a balance, but have yet to come to that place in life.

Of course, internalized transphobia must be playing a part in it all, my own little inner bigot constantly shaming me.. It is amazing how strong of a bastard the thing is.  It finds just about any insecurity I have, and just feeds on it.. I bet a lot of you know how that is.  That is another reason I don't post often, because despite how great all of you are, how supportive, and kind, all of the experience you have to share, that monster in me has a pretty strong hold, and it really comes down to me to find a way to beat it.  People talk about inner demons, I think they mean something completely different, but I suppose this is my inner demon.

Regardless, I have found some form of refuge from it all.  Second Life, what an amazing thing it has been for the past few days.  Shopping for gorgeous outfits, walking around with no shame, and dancing... oh yes, the dancing, it was amazing!  I spent the past several hours just dancing around in a virtual world, and it was so amazing   I really do feel free there, I can be myself and not worry about the real world.

I know it is just an escape, but it for now provides a balance.  Plus, I'm learning a lot. 

Oh well, just posting an update.  This is more like a journal, than a thread, but it is pretty therapeutic for me.. plus my actual journal is mostly boring day to day things, it is hard to keep track of.   

[Mendi]

Yes, it´s a wave, until one day it is not. Don´t let it go that far, seriously.

I had two options, I will either go lie down with my mother, in a family grave, and everything for that solution, was ready. Or I will transition.

And the fact, that there one day was only 2 options, both bad in a way, that the situation in my head required immediate transition, which I did, was something, that I hadn´t anticipated. There were certain things, that contributed to the fact, that I ended up in a really bad place, for fighting the waves for 20 to 30 years.

Be careful, and don´t let it go to the same point, that I let it go.

[zamber74]

Yes, it´s a wave, until one day it is not. Don´t let it go that far, seriously.

I had two options, I will either go lie down with my mother, in a family grave, and everything for that solution, was ready. Or I will transition.

And the fact, that there one day was only 2 options, both bad in a way, that the situation in my head required immediate transition, which I did, was something, that I hadn´t anticipated. There were certain things, that contributed to the fact, that I ended up in a really bad place, for fighting the waves for 20 to 30 years.

Be careful, and don´t let it go to the same point, that I let it go.

I am glad you chose the route to stay with us   I can't choose the option of being buried, that would be cruel to my loved ones and they would likely blame themselves, I think that would probably be worst for some of them, than it would be to just transition.  I think if it came to a sustained pull, I would likely just get my act together and transition, it might actually be a good thing for me, who knows? 

On the other hand, it is easy to say the above after a couple of glasses of alcohol.  I don't like thinking about it, I've been to close to that point and would rather just shove it as far away from me as possible.  The fact that you did go through such a scenario and pulled through does make me happy though.  Not that you had to face it, but you were able to get past that point.  I hate to think of anyone being in that position.

Regardless, I'm happy in SL right now, dancing in a cute little dress, and a nice pair of high heels.  It might not be the real thing, but it is keeping me going for now. I'm going to enjoy whatever I can for now   

[zamber74]

I've been feeling detached lately, I'm tired of waiting and everything that I usually do that brings me enjoyment just doesn't seem to do it anymore.  At this point GD is not terribly strong, but there is this emptiness that I know will never go away and I don't know how long I can keep going on like this without having a breakdown. 

It has been going on for over 30 years now, and I am exhausted.  For the past couple of months, I wake up, and just wait for the day to end so I can go to sleep.  Even drinking alcohol is no longer fun, I'll have a few shots and get bored with it, that was one of my last bastions of enjoyment, just letting loose and feeling comfortable.

No one really understands what this is like in my family, the torture my mind is constantly enduring.  I feel like I have lived my life for others, and my concern for their well being.  As though if I were to transition, they would lose me, because to them, my gender is a fundamental part of who I am.  It is such a shame that is how it is. 

I constantly catch myself uttering "I wish I were dead", of course I know better, I don't want to die.. I just want to get away from this obligation to others, the sense of guilt that comes every time I think of transitioning.  And here is a messed up thing, that shows how messed up of a person I am.  One of my relatives died, and while I was sad, I was also in a way relieved.  I thought how I will never have to come out to them, that they died believing I was a good "guy", and they never had to deal with me as I truly feel. 

I feel as though the love I hold for others, it shackles me, it is an obligation holds me from progressing, and it is like I am just waiting for them to pass on so that the person they want me to be will be the person they die remembering.  It is just really messed up - and please do not think I want them to die, I don't even know how to explain it.  just saying that makes me feel like a real psychopath.  I just feel as though I am imprisoned by the love I have for others.

And here is the thing, I don't even know if transitioning will make me happy.  It is a gamble, I could lose people I love, worst, far worst than that, is I could hurt them because they have this idea of who I am, which has always been wrong but upheld for their benefit..   

And now I feel selfish for writing the above, should I feel selfish?  Am I a monster for thinking the things I do?

I don't know, just more ramblings for my thread.

[Fadeuhhway]

So this might sound odd but, mine was actually not so bad pre transition. It actually GOT WORSE once I started, but that was because for me, I started transitioning as soon as I found out what GD and being trans was. Before, the feeling would come and go but since I have heavy anxiety and depression, I thought it was that.

For instance, during sex pre-transition, if someone touched my chest area (although it turned me on :p ) id feel a wave of that feeling ... I'd go on and ignore it because I just said to myself "it must be the feelings of loneliness and insecurity. The person touching me right now WANTS to have sex with me, so it's OK. " then I'd try and distract myself. And then after sex I needed to be held tight...REALLY tight (so it squishes me against them to feel like my breasts don't really exist) to make it go away in the end. I thought this was some kind of "endorphins released so I need to be held to feel loved" thing. And other instances.

Another example is I'd have to be bear hugged (like above) when I'd get out the shower. I thought it was because of my fear of showers...but only that helped, not calming down or leaving the area or anything. I didn't understand completely, so I pushed it back as much as possible. Turns out it was because of having to see my body that gave me such grief.

Then I found out about transgender people and transitioning, and everything clicked. I got on starting therapy and HRT within that year. After 5 years it's gotten better, but at first, between finally understanding what's been bothering me since I was 6, and the HRT mood changes, it was hard. First binding helped, but sometimes it would make me more aware of the (not so)fun bags on my chest. Especially in the cold. Ugh. Then after i shaved my hair, when it grew back quick, I kept noticing that. And this and that, suddenly instead of pushing it to the back of my mind I couldn't stop noticing all the little things that screamed DUDE...YOU WERE DFAB ... YOURE NOT THE DUDE YOU WANNA BE AND YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.

But with time, therapy and hormones (and top surgery possibly on the horizon) for the first time in a while I had hope. So instead of being bombarded, it only popped up badly 60% of the times I had sex and like 50% percent of the time in the shower. And not so much during normal days. When it would randomly pop up (not talking about the above triggers), I'd take a deep breath, calm myself, and remind myself over and over that this is ONLY TEMPORARY. That one day I'll be the man I should have been born as. And the hope is enough to push me through. Therapy helps too. I got lucky my mom was supportive..my girlfriend is too, but she wasn't at first. We broke up and even though she was my friend, it took a year for us to really get through it and for her to stop saying stupid things like "you're angry? Oh is it the T getting to you?"and other mean things.

You might not have a special someone to back you up and scared about your family but..take it from someone who's attempted suicide because they thought they might be reincarnated in their right body next time....don't wait. Live for yourself. You have to make yourself happy, you weren't created to please other people. You were born to love and care for YOU.

You say yourself , it's been over 30 years. I started at 19, I can't imagine going through an extra 11 years of not being myself. You owe yourself that. You ARE NOT selfish. OR a monster. I understand.

Take a minute and picture your ideal future. Like really, think hard, in it, are you transitioned or not ? Think of what would truly make you beyond happy, what you'd wish for yourself if you had a wish (and had to use it on yourself).

If the answer is you're transitioning/transitioned, then you know what you truly want and what you need to do. See a gender therapist. Speak to professionals. Do more research.

This next part is. CRUCIAL. Take a small trip somewhere where you won't be recognized. Or even spend time in a different part of town. Dressed as a woman. Make up, dresses, and all. Walk around, get lunch, hang at a book store. Even if you don't pass, just see how it feels to live as a woman completely. Do this for a while. Therapists recommend at least a year of this, but months are fine. If it just solidifies your feelings, then you know the answer. Look into HRT and make things happen.

Come out at your own pace. It's not a rush. You need to understand, if they cant love you unconditionally enough to support your decision, then it's better. Better than living your life lying to appease them. If you're just waiting til they keel over to do it so you don't lose them, then you already know you want to,

Taking the first step sometimes is the scariest part. But that's what this community is for. And the therapists. You'll make new friends, find lovers and people who accept you as you. If not, then screw em. They don't care about your feelings, because this is a serious life changing thing that shows who your true friends are.

You might also need to see someone in general because it sounds like you have depression too, so you can start like that. Just remember, YOU DESERVE THIS. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS.

My dad is transphobic and homophobic but he is learning to deal with me. Both my parents misgender me a lot (19 years of calling someone by one name is a hard thing to change though) but they try. They've learned how badly this affects me and how much I need this. Hopefully yours see that too. If not, then they might eventually. Worse comes to worse, you will make your own family of people who love and support you with friends, lovers and others.

(This is all assuming you don't live with them, if you do, it might be harder. They can kick you out.)

Just find your happiness, follow your bliss, and don't let anyone get in the way or make you feel bad about doing what's important and necessary.

Best of luck ,
Adam

P.S. I just wanted to add, sometimes, especially at first, I'd get really suicidal. I thought I was better off dead (damn depression and mood swings). The one thing that stopped me when it got bad was that I didn't want to die before I got to be the man I am inside. When I realized that thought, it helped me stay afloat, thinking that I should at least get to die in the body I want, just in case I need it sometime after >_> . But it also made me realize how crucial it is to transition and keep going no matter what.

[Allison S]

The one thing that stopped me when it got bad was that I didn't want to die before I got to be the man I am inside.

Same for me, but the opposite. I still think this anyway.

After accepting I'm trans and before starting hrt I had what I consider pretty bad paranoia and even brief delusional episodes. I thought strangers knew this deep dark secret I was hiding and they were going to do something awful to me.
That's one reason that it's hard for me to go outside sometimes, but I try anyway now that I'm almost a year on hrt....

I didn't start crossdressing until about 24-25. I constantly had urges or thoughts to try but never did. I started hormones at 27. Sometimes I don't know if waiting so long helped or hurt me. I think a little of both.



Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[KathyLauren]

I don't even know if transitioning will make me happy.  It is a gamble,

So, rather than gamble on something that might make you happy or might not, you would rather stick with a sure thing where you know you will be unhappy. 

I spent decades stuck in that spot.  Eventually, I realized that taking a chance on happiness was better than sticking with what wasn't working.  You can read lots of stories here about people who made the lead and are happy that they did.

[Michelle_P]

So, rather than gamble on something that might make you happy or might not, you would rather stick with a sure thing where you know you will be unhappy. 

I spent decades stuck in that spot.  Eventually, I realized that taking a chance on happiness was better than sticking with what wasn't working.  You can read lots of stories here about people who made the lead and are happy that they did.

I spent years burying myself in work, trying mindful meditation, and finally, exercising for (too) long periods daily to dodge the gender dysphoria.

Like KathyLauren, I realized how miserable I was (suicidal depression...  It took a while for the need to change to sink in), and opted for a try at happiness.  It destroyed my family, and cost me dearly, yet I am now the happiest I have ever been in my adult life.  Yes, IT WAS WORTH IT.

Here's the thing.  This culture likes to teach us that the best way to live our lives is to put others first.  There's something to that, but it can be taken to the extreme, something we do pre-transition.  We put others first, and ourselves absolutely last, to the point that we will undergo agonizing black depression and anxiety to avoid making our loved ones slightly, perhaps momentarily uncomfortable.

That is a very poor tradeoff.

If our loved ones love US, and not some comfy skin deep persona we present with parts of ourself suppressed, then, well, they love us, and we should be able to share how we feel.

If it turns out that they only love the false front, that we are of no concern, or perhaps even repulsive to them, then there isn't a decent basis there for a real and honest long term relationship.  We are kidding ourselves when we deny our authentic selves to remain in such a relationship.

[VickyS]

If our loved ones love US, and not some comfy skin deep persona we present with parts of ourself suppressed, then, well, they love us, and we should be able to share how we feel.

If it turns out that they only love the false front, that we are of no concern, or perhaps even repulsive to them, then there isn't a decent basis there for a real and honest long term relationship.  We are kidding ourselves when we deny our authentic selves to remain in such a relationship.

This is SO true.  Over this past year I have asked my wife various questions to find if she actually loves ME or my false front and it's definitely the false front.

I asked her if she would prefer me to be trans or a male paraplegic and she opted for the paraplegic

She also would prefer me to be depressed and on anti-depressants for the rest of my life to stay male for her.

Spoke volumes to me.

[Gabrielle66]

I've been feeling detached lately, I'm tired of waiting and everything that I usually do that brings me enjoyment just doesn't seem to do it anymore.  At this point GD is not terribly strong, but there is this emptiness that I know will never go away and I don't know how long I can keep going on like this without having a breakdown. 

It has been going on for over 30 years now, and I am exhausted.  For the past couple of months, I wake up, and just wait for the day to end so I can go to sleep.  Even drinking alcohol is no longer fun, I'll have a few shots and get bored with it, that was one of my last bastions of enjoyment, just letting loose and feeling comfortable.

No one really understands what this is like in my family, the torture my mind is constantly enduring.  I feel like I have lived my life for others, and my concern for their well being.  As though if I were to transition, they would lose me, because to them, my gender is a fundamental part of who I am.  It is such a shame that is how it is. 

I constantly catch myself uttering "I wish I were dead", of course I know better, I don't want to die.. I just want to get away from this obligation to others, the sense of guilt that comes every time I think of transitioning.  And here is a messed up thing, that shows how messed up of a person I am.  One of my relatives died, and while I was sad, I was also in a way relieved.  I thought how I will never have to come out to them, that they died believing I was a good "guy", and they never had to deal with me as I truly feel. 

I feel as though the love I hold for others, it shackles me, it is an obligation holds me from progressing, and it is like I am just waiting for them to pass on so that the person they want me to be will be the person they die remembering.  It is just really messed up - and please do not think I want them to die, I don't even know how to explain it.  just saying that makes me feel like a real psychopath.  I just feel as though I am imprisoned by the love I have for others.

And here is the thing, I don't even know if transitioning will make me happy.  It is a gamble, I could lose people I love, worst, far worst than that, is I could hurt them because they have this idea of who I am, which has always been wrong but upheld for their benefit..   

And now I feel selfish for writing the above, should I feel selfish?  Am I a monster for thinking the things I do?

I don't know, just more ramblings for my thread.

WOW, this really hits home. I definitely understand what you mean when you say that you feel shackled by your love for others. I love my family, whom I believe will not support me. I love my wife more than anything and she has been unable to give me the support that she wants to. I burn to be feminine in a way that I can't even describe. I am 52 next week and it feels like I have wasted a lifetime of opportunity to be me. To be a woman. To hell with society and it's obligations but those are the exact things that have held me back for my entire life.

I decided to leave it all on the table and if those things are taken from me then so be it, but I am going to walk this journey on my terms from now on. I'm not on HRT as of yet but I am working towards that. I am bettering my health in preparation for the hormones. I am taking steps to learn how to present as a woman. I haven't ever truly crossdressed before. All I did was wear my Mom's clothes when I was young. That felt so right to me until I got caught. I'm not going to allow the possible repercussions of my actions keep me from trying to be the me that I was meant for. That me is Gabrielle and this is my journey. I will most likely lose everything I hold dear but I can't live this way any longer. And I won't! I thank God for people like Susan. People who have helped me realize that living an genuine life is worth risking everything you have.

Zamber be good to yourself. Be true to yourself. Give yourself a chance to shine. Drop those shackles and be free to live your life on your terms. You only get one chance at life. Please don't wait another 20 years like I did to give yourself a chance. In my opinion, the risk is worth it. This is just my opinion of course. You ultimately have to life your own life. Just know that I'm here for you sister. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

[Faith]

This is SO true.  Over this past year I have asked my wife various questions to find if she actually loves ME or my false front and it's definitely the false front.

I asked her if she would prefer me to be trans or a male paraplegic and she opted for the paraplegic

She also would prefer me to be depressed and on anti-depressants for the rest of my life to stay male for her.

Spoke volumes to me.

I would need clarification on your question. You asked if they would prefer it ... I don't know any heterosexual female that wouldn't prefer keeping their male partner. Love shines though when they prefer it but still want you to become the person that you were meant to be. They may stay with you, they may not, which is totally aside from the question.

obviously preferring a paraplegic just to keep the male is wrong, but you have to account for knee-jerk responses that aren't exactly truth.

I''m going to stop now before I type something that makes worse sense.

[VickyS]

I would need clarification on your question. You asked if they would prefer it ... I don't know any heterosexual female that wouldn't prefer keeping their male partner. Love shines though when they prefer it but still want you to become the person that you were meant to be. They may stay with you, they may not, which is totally aside from the question.

obviously preferring a paraplegic just to keep the male is wrong, but you have to account for knee-jerk responses that aren't exactly truth.

I''m going to stop now before I type something that makes worse sense.

Hi Faith,

Thank for your reply.

It was a few months after coming out to her and it was in a calm situation and not an argument.

I asked which she would prefer, me to be a fully able transwoman or a male paraplegic and she chose the male paraplegic which said to me that she loves the male exterior but not the person inside.

[JulieAllana]

Mine was quite livable.  I considered it background noise in my life.  Then one day it wasn't background noise any more.  It would last a few hours, then most of the day and then I could literally think of nothing else.  That increase was over a month's time.  So, 50 years of back ground, then build up to intolerable in about a month.

Once I came out to myself and two others and a GD Councilor it diminished.  But still not something I could ignore.  It's a funny thing G.D. is.  I think of it like a cat with claws.  If you stroke it and keep it comfy on your lap it purrs.  Stop patting and the claws come out, first a little warning then it shreds your clothes.

I like this post and can relate to it.

        Peace,
                 Julie