I walk in the world and most often when I see a woman, I think of how lucky they must feel, being able to do all things feminine, including wearing feminine clothes and lingerie and make-up. Then I realize that they probably don't think too often about it. For them, it is second nature and part of their identity that they have known all their lives. For me, I obsess constantly over my identity, how it feels to wear women's clothes and make-up and my wrong anatomy. Even if I were to fully transition, I would still always be cognizant of assuming a feminine role. I would be forced to think about how my TG was responsible for my marriage falling apart and the loss of friends. I feel like being TG is a terrible burden that I absolutely hate because instead of focusing my energies on other things and relationships in my life, I am forced to constantly think about my gender. Sometimes it just is too much to bear
Karen,
I know how you feel. We are so busy trying "to be' that we don't realize "we are."
(Not sure if the analogy fits but...)
Consider the alcoholic who sobers up. They consider themselves alcoholics forever but it is a constant struggle for some and they don't realize they are sober.
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A doctor asks a patient - do you still suffer from your erotic nightmares? Patient: you know doc, I learned to find some pleasure in them!
What did I want to say? GD can be seen as a burden or a blessing, you may find that embracing it changes your views on this world (and people around you). You can embrace it instead of suffering
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Great way to say! Be the best you can! Forgive yourself, forgive those that don't understand the war that you fight! First you have to forgive yourself next be the person you truly are! Some people have a bitter heart! Forgive them! Life is a roller coaster! We only recognize it when we crest and go down screaming! Life is a ride, after forgiving kick back and enjoy the ride! Deal with the emergency's face on remembering to treat others like you would want to be treated! Time and patience is the healer! Those that can't forgive are doing it at their own emotional and health!
Live healthy and happy!
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Being TG is both a curse and a blessing the curse is the dysphoria and the crap we have to put up with from society The blessing is the unique perspective we gain into the differences between genders with the pain comes empathy and compassion with acceptance comes the ability to love ones self this is a true and rare blessing
bobbisue :)
I embrace the blessing of being this way. I've never been happier and stronger in my life. I wouldn't go back for anything.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: karenk1959 on August 08, 2017, 08:14:48 AM
I walk in the world and most often when I see a woman, I think of how lucky they must feel, being able to do all things feminine, including wearing feminine clothes and lingerie and make-up. Then I realize that they probably don't think too often about it. For them, it is second nature and part of their identity that they have known all their lives. For me, I obsess constantly over my identity, how it feels to wear women's clothes and make-up and my wrong anatomy. Even if I were to fully transition, I would still always be cognizant of assuming a feminine role. I would be forced to think about how my TG was responsible for my marriage falling apart and the loss of friends. I feel like being TG is a terrible burden that I absolutely hate because instead of focusing my energies on other things and relationships in my life, I am forced to constantly think about my gender. Sometimes it just is too much to bear
Ok, I completely understand what you are saying. My experience
was the same. However, after transitioning, I cannot say it is still my experience. I really don't think about how nice it is to do all things feminine (I do on occasion, but not most of the time) now. My anatomy is aligned now, so I don't think about that anymore. My marriage remains, and is even better after transition - almost 27 years now. I have lost a couple siblings in the transition, but, hey: "Bye, Felicia!". So, my point is that is is a burden now, but the more you do to address it, the lighter it becomes, and eventually (hopefully for you and everyone) it becomes the new normal and you can just live life!
I don't think of it as a burden at all. I think of it as a blessing and I thank Goddess in her infinite wisdom for making me the way I am.
I don't really identify with people who say they would rather be born a cisgender female. If I were, I never would have known the struggle, the final acceptance that my spirit is female, as I believe it always was and always will be, the utter joy of the moment when I cast off my chains and began living fully as a TG woman. I am also intimately familiar with what life is like being a man. This is knowledge and experience that, while I would probably have gladly traded in as a teenager if I had been given the choice, is now a part of the tapestry of my life that I am able to find unity with. The magic of HRT, the metamorphosis, the rightness of the social role of being and living as a woman. The completion of a lifelong spirit quest. It's about getting up in the morning and getting out of bed in the morning with the body you want. About feeling comfortable living in your own skin. Shall I continue? I certainly can. Transition isn't about being stuck. It's about getting unstuck, getting out of your way and moving forward.
Onward we go!
(that's not my tag phrase BTW, but it certainly works with this reply)
Although, in my case, being a nonbinary partial transmale, of mixed gender, can be awkward, and makes maintaining long term romantic relationships challenging, I wouldn't want to be any other way. I like being both genders and being able to see both sides.
More parts of my brain are activated. Studies show that most high IQ creative people are androgynous.
The Complexity of the Creative Personality http://blogs.psychcentral.com/creative-mind/2011/02/the-complexity-of-the-creative-personality/#.WYnxh1H_LUM.twitter
Quote from: elkie-t on August 08, 2017, 08:58:55 AM
A doctor asks a patient - do you still suffer from your erotic nightmares? Patient: you know doc, I learned to find some pleasure in them!
What did I want to say? GD can be seen as a burden or a blessing, you may find that embracing it changes your views on this world (and people around you). You can embrace it instead of suffering
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How does one embrace it, particularly when we live in. Society that rejects us? Cis folks are socially reinforced, staying within our community just makes the closet bigger.
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I used to think being trans was absolutely horrible. Immediately after waking up, my brain would just scream 'nope' and every day started out miserably. Everything--going out with friends, going to the store, taking a shower, looking in a mirror, going to the gym--was an enormous task that required all of my mental energy to endure.
The first thing I took care of were the sweater calves. They're grazing on a farm in the great beyond now.
HRT followed shortly thereafter and pretty much took care of the remainder of my dysphoria, though there's still a lingering bit of an issue with my nether regions.
Before everything, I would heavily focus on being as manly as possible and seethe with jealousy over any male I saw. There wasn't a single day that passed where I didn't focus on my gender or being trans to the point of being obsessive.
Am I still trans? Yep, but it's not something I think about really ever until I'm here on the forums.
Did I lose some people? Yes and no. They're still here but I know they feel differently about me now.
Do I spend any time thinking about my gender now? Hardly at all.
My path and what I chose to do isn't a cure-all and it certainly wouldn't work for everyone. But something out there is going to work for you. Something out there is going to be the closest thing to a solution as possible that will bring you peace and put gags on the demons.
Don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone and try new things. Everything in life carries a set of risks; you have to be willing to accept some of those risks to make progress.
Quote from: Gertrude on August 08, 2017, 01:05:58 PM
How does one embrace it, particularly when we live in. Society that rejects us? Cis folks are socially reinforced, staying within our community just makes the closet bigger.
I've heard this argument before, but I believe it is based on a false premise. Yes there are cisgender people who reject us but in my experience there are just as many who accept us. The only way to gauge it is to actually go out and live it. Outside the closet. A lot of minorities deal with this and have done so for time immemorial. And one thing they all have in common is they derive profound support from those of their/our kind.
Quote from: Janes Groove on August 08, 2017, 01:28:07 PM
I've heard this argument before, but I believe it is based on a false premise. Yes there are cisgender people who reject us but in my experience there are just as many who accept us. The only way to gauge it is to actually go out and live it. Outside the closet.
I have found that cis folks, for the most part, either accept us or tolerate us. True, there are some parts of the world I would not go to because it is not the same there, but the situation is much better than I initially feared.
I am out and proud. I go through life as a woman and I enjoy every minute of it. I don't pass on close inspection (especially not when preparing for electrolysis!) or when I open my mouth, but people don't mind. I pass well enough from a distance not to attract unwanted attention.
I find that being transgender has liberated me from my self-imposed prison. Sure I would rather be a cis woman, but that is not going to happen in this lifetime. I am way better off being a trans woman than I ever was pretending to be a cis man.
Quote from: Janes Groove on August 08, 2017, 11:28:04 AM
I don't think of it as a burden at all. I think of it as a blessing and I thank Goddess in her infinite wisdom for making me the way I am.
I don't really identify with people who say they would rather be born a cisgender female. If I were, I never would have known the struggle, the final acceptance that my spirit is female, as I believe it always was and always will be, the utter joy of the moment when I cast off my chains and began living fully as a TG woman. I am also intimately familiar with what life is like being a man. This is knowledge and experience that, while I would probably have gladly traded in as a teenager if I had been given the choice, is now a part of the tapestry of my life that I am able to find unity with. The magic of HRT, the metamorphosis, the rightness of the social role of being and living as a woman. The completion of a lifelong spirit quest. It's about getting up in the morning and getting out of bed in the morning with the body you want. About feeling comfortable living in your own skin. Shall I continue? I certainly can. Transition isn't about being stuck. It's about getting unstuck, getting out of your way and moving forward.
Onward we go!
(that's not my tag phrase BTW, but it certainly works with this reply)
This! All of this. Right now, I am feeling a physical puberty of becoming a woman, like a teenage girl. And all the angst and worry and anger and tears are what teenage girls are like. Anyone who grew up with sisters can remember at least a version of this. It's so crazy to be feeling what my sister felt, in my own way.
But then, I'm also a 30 year old male-bodied individual with a mind that has developed as a boy. My intellect, my understanding, worldview, would never been so inclusive and explorative if I had only been one from the beginning. There is such a value in stepping into the light after so much darkness, but not everything about me was dark. I'm shifting into my right self, and taking all of my good qualities with me to create a new version of self. This is invaluable, and I will cherish it always.
As to Karen's OP, I will tell you that are you incorrect in thinking that women "don't think about it." Having been (or tried to be) a gay guy for several years, I've been very close to girls, straight and gay, feminist, poly, etc etc. They will all tell you that they think about this CONSTANTLY. They judge each other without trying, then feel guilty about it. They bring their kids to school in shorts and a t shirt and get glares from the glam moms with their high end yoga pants. They spend thousands of dollars over lifetimes on makeup and bras and shoes and hairstyles and so much else to try and fit into even a modicum of a box that they have been told they need to be since before puberty.
Now they have confidence, but not always. I am learning a new and gorgeous confidence I never came close to even in my finest moments as a boy. I leave the house in crooked glasses, unshaven face if I have hair removal the next day, whatever level of makeup I choose on a given day...but not one moment do I feel less female. Because now that I've claimed it, I own it.
I get glares and weirdness from people, but IDGAF. I am me and I love me, so they can be weird all they want. Cus they're missing out like I did for so many years. Easier said than done? Absolutely. Possible? For sure. Worth it? More than almost anything you will ever know.
Much love,
Aria
Quote from: Janes Groove on August 08, 2017, 01:28:07 PM
I've heard this argument before, but I believe it is based on a false premise. Yes there are cisgender people who reject us but in my experience there are just as many who accept us. The only way to gauge it is to actually go out and live it. Outside the closet. A lot of minorities deal with this and have done so for time immemorial. And one thing they all have in common is they derive profound support from those of their/our kind.
False premise? Depends on where you live. The US isn't monolithic culturally. If I lived in Greenwich village I'd have a different experience than Dallas Texas or Provo Utah. That said, as a whole society, trans people don't have the acceptance or respect that gays or lesbians have, yet. With the way things are going, it could be 5-15 years before we do. There will always be pockets of antediluvian types though. I've been told that if more of us came out, the quicker it will be. Someone has to do it.
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And I hate my woman body so much, cant wait to get rid of it! so dont think all of us are happy about that body :(
We tend to focus on how others perceive us and what a burden it is to have to live and move about in their world. After all, many of them have deemed us as freaks and since people have a tendency to lean towards a mob mentality, we accept the patterns of their revulsion, disgust and hatred as valid. It's been said "eat feces, a trillion flies can't be wrong". Yet in fact, a trillion flies are wrong and feces probably tastes like crap. Those trillion flies are very wrong. So are the small minded haters that prod us into defining ourselves in a multitude of negative ways.
Black people were forced to go through this self loathing period. Gay people as well. At some point, the actualized human accepts responsibility for their own feelings and ceases to define themselves via mob rule. You must decide to learn to dance to the beat of your own drummer. You must share your very valuable life with those that are worthy and cast out the ones that have proven they don't deserve to know you. Just as any other person of any race, creed or persuasion does anywhere else. The spiral of self loathing will do you no good. Exposing yourself to the light of day will. If you choose to define yourself through the eyes of a Wife, child, employer or friend and opt to appease their ignorance, you'll be forced to live with that decision. But if you unshackle yourself and learn to love yourself, you'll be free to to live a whole new life in a whole new world and taste the sweetness of people that love you, for you.
Living a lie creates a surly stifled angry depressed person that attracts others like themselves. Freeing yourself to live your truth brings you to enlightenment and positivity that attract new good, caring and kind people. But....first....you....must...accept...yourself. You must kill that trans-phobe that lives within you. Once you do that, you'll no longer ask yourself about why you must tolerate "the burden of being TG". The whole precept won't even occur to you.
Peace to all of us.
I think about that. They just go about their lives without a second thought. It must be nice
Quote from: jentay1367 on August 08, 2017, 04:27:51 PM
We tend to focus on how others perceive us and what a burden it is to have to live and move about in their world. After all, many of them have deemed us as freaks and since people have a tendency to lean towards a mob mentality, we accept the patterns of their revulsion, disgust and hatred as valid. It's been said "eat feces, a trillion flies can't be wrong". Yet in fact, a trillion flies are wrong and feces probably tastes like crap. Those trillion flies are very wrong. So are the small minded haters that prod us into defining ourselves in a multitude of negative ways.
Black people were forced to go through this self loathing period. Gay people as well. At some point, the actualized human accepts responsibility for their own feelings and ceases to define themselves via mob rule. You must decide to learn to dance to the beat of your own drummer. You must share your very valuable life with those that are worthy and cast out the ones that have proven they don't deserve to know you. Just as any other person of any race, creed or persuasion does anywhere else. The spiral of self loathing will do you no good. Exposing yourself to the light of day will. If you choose to define yourself through the eyes of a Wife, child, employer or friend and opt to appease their ignorance, you'll be forced to live with that decision. But if you unshackle yourself and learn to love yourself, you'll be free to to live a whole new life in a whole new world and taste the sweetness of people that love you, for you.
Living a lie creates a surly stifled angry depressed person that attracts others like themselves. Freeing yourself to live your truth brings you to enlightenment and positivity that attract new good, caring and kind people. But....first....you....must...accept...yourself. You must kill that trans-phobe that lives within you. Once you do that, you'll no longer ask yourself about why you must tolerate "the burden of being TG". The whole precept won't even occur to you.
Peace to all of us.
This...is gorgeous. Thank you for sharing, really.
I have been talking about this with a trans friend of mine. We are not the only community to go through the "must be nice to be..." cycles. If all peoples who have been denigrated or told they have to conform a certain way, women wouldn't still have abortions and wear pants and...vote! Gay people would have stopped getting married. Black people would still use their own fountains. Just because you were unaware of what other communities and peoples have gone through, doesn't mean it didn't happen. We're not alone here.
And yes, accepting oneself is the biggest feat. And also the most rewarding. It sometimes seems as though people are looking for that perfect moment when things all click, but it isn't going to work that way. We can't keep searching for Oprah's Aha moment. Learning to love yourself negates the need to hold onto pain, and makes you more and more impervious to hatred and bigotry. Because those things aren't going to go away. But that shouldn't make anyone feel any less about themselves.
Quote from: Gertrude on August 08, 2017, 03:27:38 PM
False premise? Depends on where you live. The US isn't monolithic culturally. If I lived in Greenwich village I'd have a different experience than Dallas Texas or Provo Utah. That said, as a whole society, trans people don't have the acceptance or respect that gays or lesbians have, yet. With the way things are going, it could be 5-15 years before we do. There will always be pockets of antediluvian types though. I've been told that if more of us came out, the quicker it will be. Someone has to do it.
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I'm not sure where you got the idea that gay people are respected on a widespread basis that excludes the trans community. Before my transition, I spent several years as a gay man. I grew up in and still live in Massachusetts. MA, where gay marriage was legal first so everyone must be cool with it, right? Absolutely not. When I was with my ex, we had things thrown at us in Boston. At one point, I was sitting outside on my break at work and someone driving by yelled out "Hey F****t!"
I came out as transitioning on my Facebook in January. I've had family and friends, Christians and atheists, people in NE and people in the deep south, voice their support both on my page and in private conversations. Some are confused. Some are scared. But they haven't stopped loving and supporting me. I'm not saying everyone has this privilege, because I do know they do not.
Lastly, Greenwich Village may seem like a worthy place for trans people, but there are just as many gay transphobes as straight.
There are a few topics in here that I've been giving a lot of thought to lately. First is the concept of what are trans-girl problems versus what are just simply girl problems. Many of the discontent you mention with your own appearance, as others have noted, are precisely what girls go through on a daily basis. As a man, you weren't burdened with those things because let's face it, men to really judge each other much on appearance. We talk a lot in these forums about our wants and desires to have more feminine bodies, more feminine gestures, more feminine personalities. For every one of those themes we talk about so commonly as trans-women, there are cis-women who struggle day to day with the same issues.
With the issues being the same, some may say the reactions from the general public are different for trans women than cis women. But is that really true? A cis-woman has to be worried about active discrimination against her if her image doesn't fit the expectations of society. A cis-woman has to worry about rude comments and stares from other people if her appearance stands out in a "negative" way. Perhaps the one different is cis-women don't have the same threat of violence based on their appearance that trans-women experience but I certainly question what the relative level of occurrence is among trans women as a whole and whether that's as significant as we make it out to be.
So society's reactions can be very similar, so what is different? Well how many cis-women do you know who isolate themselves in their homes. They can't. Unlike trans women who are not full time, cis-women don't have a "safer" appearance to fall back into. So they go out and face the world despite their concerns of how they look.
So this leads to the second topic that I've thought much about, which is why do we as trans women try so hard to conform to society's expectations of what a woman should look like. I get that we want to blend in and not stand out as unnatural or unusual as a way to avoid negative reactions. But to what end? I've talked to trans women who don't wear certain clothes, take part in certain activities or act in ways they'd really like to simply for these reasons. For instance, a tall trans woman who loves high heels but won't wear them for fear of standing out. It makes me question why we transition then. As trans women, we've suffered through a life where we were forced to conform to a specific set of gender-based expectations that don't fit us. We transition to free ourselves from having to conform to those expectations and to live authentically. To be true to ourselves. So what good is transitioning if we simply trade in one set of social rules for another set? If we still don't feel free to be ourselves, what do we gain? As a transitioning woman, why are we afraid to be ourselves and not apologize for the elements of who we are that are different from what society says a woman should be?
For my part, thinking on these topics has really galvanized me to be out and about in public as my true self. Sure I do wear wigs and makeup and breast forms to make my body appear more feminine. However, I don't do this 24x7. If I need to go to the store and haven't shaved today, do I quick scramble and put on male clothes? Do I shave, do makeup, get my wig on, etc? No, I go out in whatever clothes (likely 100% female) that I'm wearing and I just do my thing. Does it take courage? Sure. Do I get strange looks, maybe. Do I risk outing myself since I'm not fully out to all friends and neighbors? Absolutely. But as a trans woman, I've become defiant of society's expectations. It's those expectations that made 39 years of my life complete hell.
Below is a picture I posted on Facebook a long with a challenge to trans-women to try and push themselves to their next step of exposure and visibility. This is how I recently went to a laser hair removal session. I was not "out" to the people at the clinic, I made other stops for groceries and things on the way back. I had no wig, no breast forms, and only a little eye-liner yet it didn't make me any less of a woman. I know all our situations are different, but I encourage you all to embrace and own who you are. You're a woman not because society says so, but because you innately identify as one.
(https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4364/35644773903_b90954bb69_z.jpg)
Yes I do think me being a transgender has been a burden or really a dam curse as it has taken my beautiful wife from me my lovely home which we have both built up, all of my friends ( were they ever real ones! ) but now as the pain of coming out & spending more time as the woman I've always wanted to be, becoming a trans person has made me slowly become much more happier inside & except it is not my fault for being this way, so each day it becomes press of a burden.
Sara.
Quote from: Gertrude on August 08, 2017, 01:05:58 PM
How does one embrace it, particularly when we live in. Society that rejects us? Cis folks are socially reinforced, staying within our community just makes the closet bigger.
You can think of society as a rude an unacceptable place (and not without a reason), or you can start experimenting with your gender presentation. If you aren't comfortable doing it where you live, just go to a nearest city for some fun.
I mean there's nothing wrong to first work on your image and presentation at home, or go to a friendly gay bar or a support group or a kinky event. As long as you aren't in your neighbors or coworkers face - they won't recognize you 50 miles from your home, not even 20 miles). You might find that the world in general isn't hostile to you (or me) and then decide how you want to live the rest of your life from there
Disclaimer: I tried it for 9 months, really liked and had no issues whatsoever (being 6''3" and 200lbs has its advantages, although many commented that I look cute and pass - liers), yet decided to stop. And I am more or less happy with my current situation although if things change wouldn't exclude full transition in the future.
First time posting today on this site (but long time reader of course :) )
Just had to say that I think about this topic all the time at the moment as a mid-life white guy a couple of years into transitioning, now separated from his wife and finding himself on increasingly rocky ground. I am in a rural area of the UK, which probably doesn't help things, but, to misquote the man, transitioning for me has been the best of times and the second-worst of times. (The worst was, of course, life before transitioning...)
I was very heartened to read ds1987 and AlyssaJ's comments. (I have to get that t-shirt as well!) I find that the journey that sensitive people in the US go on provides them with a good perspective - life for minorities is no picnic. "White privilege" and "male privilege" are both very real. I am not for a minute suggesting that everyone's issues with life post-transitioning should be interpreted in this light but as I come across indifference/rejection/disgust/bigotry I like to remind myself that this is just normal for most minorities. But it's a rude awakening, and very difficult to 1) suddenly develop thick skin and 2) avoid martyr complexes...
Basically, I find transitioning to be so, so strange, because it feels natural, inevitable, like the only thing I could ever have done. Yet, in a way it's also been the most "artificial", deliberate thing I've ever done, taking sustained and conscious effort. Paradoxically, only by starting to "make believe" have I been able to glimpse an authentic self - or at least a "sustainable" self. Is it a burden - yes, but a lighter one, I think, than the alternative! For me the alternative is just an illusion or facade that hides a terrible emptiness.
Quote from: gladys on August 08, 2017, 10:09:35 PM
I was very heartened to read ds1987 and AlyssaJ's comments. (I have to get that t-shirt as well!)
Here's the link to where you can get that t-shirt: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B071727BPZ
Alyssa your writing above (5 posts up) contains great insight and causes me to think and realize new things about myself. Your post is an example of why I spend time on Susans, to learn from others.
Gladys, you joined Susan's as a member today - congratulations, and I see you are already writing and adding a perspective we can all benefit from. I believe you will gain a lot here (I certainly have), and in more depth now that you can interact. I recommend when you get the chance, please cruise over to the Introductions forum if you don't mind posting an intro.
We always provide the following information to new members, I will add it here for you.
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...and back to the original reply I was going to type to this post. In my experience right now I don't see being transgender as a burden - not at all. I did during initial stages but moved beyond that once I started seeing the benefits. If anyone I run into has a problem with the fact I am transgender, it's their fabricated burden to own and not mine.
Kendra
Quote from: gladys on August 08, 2017, 10:09:35 PM
First time posting today on this site (but long time reader of course :) )
Just had to say that I think about this topic all the time at the moment as a mid-life white guy a couple of years into transitioning, now separated from his wife and finding himself on increasingly rocky ground. I am in a rural area of the UK, which probably doesn't help things, but, to misquote the man, transitioning for me has been the best of times and the second-worst of times. (The worst was, of course, life before transitioning...)
I was very heartened to read ds1987 and AlyssaJ's comments. (I have to get that t-shirt as well!) I find that the journey that sensitive people in the US go on provides them with a good perspective - life for minorities is no picnic. "White privilege" and "male privilege" are both very real. I am not for a minute suggesting that everyone's issues with life post-transitioning should be interpreted in this light but as I come across indifference/rejection/disgust/bigotry I like to remind myself that this is just normal for most minorities. But it's a rude awakening, and very difficult to 1) suddenly develop thick skin and 2) avoid martyr complexes...
Basically, I find transitioning to be so, so strange, because it feels natural, inevitable, like the only thing I could ever have done. Yet, in a way it's also been the most "artificial", deliberate thing I've ever done, taking sustained and conscious effort. Paradoxically, only by starting to "make believe" have I been able to glimpse an authentic self - or at least a "sustainable" self. Is it a burden - yes, but a lighter one, I think, than the alternative! For me the alternative is just an illusion or facade that hides a terrible emptiness.
I am so happy that you have found a kinship in mine and AlyssaJ's comments. We are finding that, as we progress, there is a larger connection of dysphoria to that of other types of dysphoria outside of gender anguish that our transitions speak to.
You mentioned male privilege, which is SO much a real issue. The more that minorities, be they racial, sexual, gender, et al, grow and widen in variety and call for equality, I have been hearing straight white males say that they feel like their status is waning and they are losing rights to be in the position they have held as long as they have known. The more privilege is lost, the more it feels like losing oneself, and one's footing in the game of life. Despite their ignorance or unawareness that we seek equality instead of asking for "more than" what they have, there is a truth in this taking away. But that taking away is from a status that has been much higher than that given to minorities, until this time that we are growing in number.
Similarly, I wonder if some of the anguish, loss, and grief felt by trans women is partly due to their personal loss of male privilege. That in shifting from a position of status and recognition as a part of a majority that enjoys such privilege to that of a female state, they experience a loss that they do not realize is a denigration of sorts out of privilege and into the unknown territory of substrata. Hormones make us emotional, just like women. Makeup and heels and clothing and breast forms (and even the breasts themselves) make us more like women. But in becoming women, even as we become that which we know we are supposed to be, we are giving up a status held as higher in our society than the new status we are accepting for ourselves.
Lastly, in becoming our true self, we are effectually "unbecoming." In transitioning, we are dissecting the self that was created, and that we have been, and reconfiguring the very identity that we ourselves feel we have already been. In doing so, we are separating our created self from our true self, and thus creating a new reality. This is inevitably painful! But in pain, there is beauty, in death, there is life. All that is painful and sad and grievous is in fact beautiful and joyous and wonderful. In embracing the dark moments and feelings, we allow for the growth of new life and love and joy. My god, what amazing gifts we have been given to be able to deconstruct ourselves and become a new creature, better than anything we could have imagined. So we should never be jealous of anyone else, because we have the ability to become so much better than anyone else. We have the ability to become whole.
Quote from: karenk1959 on August 08, 2017, 08:14:48 AM
I walk in the world and most often when I see a woman, I think of how lucky they must feel, being able to do all things feminine, including wearing feminine clothes and lingerie and make-up. Then I realize that they probably don't think too often about it. For them, it is second nature and part of their identity that they have known all their lives. For me, I obsess constantly over my identity, how it feels to wear women's clothes and make-up and my wrong anatomy. Even if I were to fully transition, I would still always be cognizant of assuming a feminine role. I would be forced to think about how my TG was responsible for my marriage falling apart and the loss of friends. I feel like being TG is a terrible burden that I absolutely hate because instead of focusing my energies on other things and relationships in my life, I am forced to constantly think about my gender. Sometimes it just is too much to bear
Which is exactly why most of us tried for DECADES everything and anything to avoid taking on the Trans-Beast for real.
Looking at this from the "other side", the haven't fully leaped side of the equation, I can speak with some authority about:
QuoteSometimes it just is too much to bear
I vaguely recall :P saying the same about NOT doing anything. About Stopping, About continuing on. Still to this day as I mainly live and present primarily as male, "Sometimes it just too much to bear".
Whenever I have my dark periods I need to remind myself of the far far darker world I resided in, Full-Time.
Quote from: elkie-t on August 08, 2017, 09:23:56 PM
You can think of society as a rude an unacceptable place (and not without a reason), or you can start experimenting with your gender presentation. If you aren't comfortable doing it where you live, just go to a nearest city for some fun.
I mean there's nothing wrong to first work on your image and presentation at home, or go to a friendly gay bar or a support group or a kinky event. As long as you aren't in your neighbors or coworkers face - they won't recognize you 50 miles from your home, not even 20 miles). You might find that the world in general isn't hostile to you (or me) and then decide how you want to live the rest of your life from there
Disclaimer: I tried it for 9 months, really liked and had no issues whatsoever (being 6''3" and 200lbs has its advantages, although many commented that I look cute and pass - liers), yet decided to stop. And I am more or less happy with my current situation although if things change wouldn't exclude full transition in the future.
I'm 6'5 and way more... physical safety isn't my fear as much social. I'd rather be me and invisible as I am as male.
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Quote from: Gertrude on August 09, 2017, 09:19:02 AM
I'm 6'5 and way more... physical safety isn't my fear as much social. I'd rather be me and invisible as I am as male.
So what? If you want to wear a skirt or a dress, go for it and enjoy your day out. Obviously, you won't pass, yet if your presentation is good (not too flashy, not too granma-boring), your face is clean and have nice makeup (but not overdone), no body will stick their fingers at you (at least somewhere far away from home - and even if they will, who cares about them).
Also, while you cannot change your size, you can do little thing that might ease your dysphoria. Such as buying closes for yourself in a store (I did it many times in a male mode and would always go into a fitting room - male or unisex if in male mode - to try them on). Or ask some cosmetician girl for help picking you a good foundation (and buy yourself the basic makeup with her help). Or go to some LGBT bar or a kink event - they won't care if you're big.
You can also go hiking/backpacking wearing a kilt :) or a plain skirt - no one would challenge your masculinity if you're big and strong. But you will enjoy some of the pleasures of wearing a skirt - such as feeling the breeze down there ;)
All I wanted to say is that forbidden fruit is extremely appealing. Once you realize it's forbidden only in your brain and you can actually wear whatever you want and act as much feminine as you like, the fruit might loose most of its appeal. And you can do it without damaging your social life if you do it far enough from your house/town/work (I mean you can do it in your town as well, as long as you're ok it will be known forever in your public record - there are guys working as mechanics or construction workers wearing skirts and dresses and still they were able to pull it off, and so can you if you want).
Quote from: elkie-t on August 09, 2017, 09:52:59 AM
So what? If you want to wear a skirt or a dress, go for it and enjoy your day out. Obviously, you won't pass, yet if your presentation is good (not too flashy, not too granma-boring), your face is clean and have nice makeup (but not overdone), no body will stick their fingers at you (at least somewhere far away from home - and even if they will, who cares about them).
Also, while you cannot change your size, you can do little thing that might ease your dysphoria. Such as buying closes for yourself in a store (I did it many times in a male mode and would always go into a fitting room - male or unisex if in male mode - to try them on). Or ask some cosmetician girl for help picking you a good foundation (and buy yourself the basic makeup with her help). Or go to some LGBT bar or a kink event - they won't care if you're big.
You can also go hiking/backpacking wearing a kilt :) or a plain skirt - no one would challenge your masculinity if you're big and strong. But you will enjoy some of the pleasures of wearing a skirt - such as feeling the breeze down there ;)
All I wanted to say is that forbidden fruit is extremely appealing. Once you realize it's forbidden only in your brain and you can actually wear whatever you want and act as much feminine as you like, the fruit might loose most of its appeal. And you can do it without damaging your social life if you do it far enough from your house/town/work (I mean you can do it in your town as well, as long as you're ok it will be known forever in your public record - there are guys working as mechanics or construction workers wearing skirts and dresses and still they were able to pull it off, and so can you if you want).
Taking these one step at a time is a wonderful way to discover yourself in process. Without needing to dive in, because it can be SO overwhelming, dipping a toe in, then a foot, you'll suddenly find yourself swimming in the deep end and loving it. Taking that deep breath and going in slowly can sometimes be much better for dysphoria, in that you get acquainted with yourself without feeling helpless to the tide.
I've gotten to a point where I feel my womanhood is inherent, so regardless of what I look like, and what I'm wearing, I don't feel any less female. Owning that within speaks so much more to other people than trying to look the part in every detail
One of my true TG friends (let's call her Tanya) was encouraged to dress femininely at home by his(hers) girlfriend. I mean, Tanya was very upset that she cannot express her femininity and got depressed and so on. But after his/her girlfriend suggested that there's nothing wrong with that - Tanya bloomed, and became a totally relaxed person. When she's tired of playing dress up alone, she invites other cross dressers to her house and host a little party, or dresses up and goes into a neighboring city for a good night of dancing at LGBT bar/dance club. What I totally love about her, is that she's not ashamed to be seen with her transfriends even in her own town (although she would be in a male mode herself) - we went shopping for cigarettes to a neighboring gas station and I was sure she would wait for me in her car, but nope - she would go with me and not ashamed at all to be with such a wonderful person as I am :)
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Another story happened last winter. We were camping with a bunch of guys (totally non-trans community, mostly redneck/gun nuts kind of people, loving outdoors, hunting etc), and one of the guys (a very respected guy in the backpacking community) - he lives in a small town and works in construction -just mentioned casually (I don't recall specifically what we were talking about) that during the summer he wears kilt a lot and next time if we camp together we might see him in a kilt (and I've seen photos of him posted later). Again, I wouldn't assume he's transgender just because he likes to wear a kilt. And he was so casual and carefree about it, it wasn't even an issue :)
So my point is, what puts us in a vulnerable position and makes us a target to public harassing is our inner shame, not really the actions themselves. If you know you haven't done anything wrong, if you don't act as if you're doing something wrong, as if you have nothing to hide - it's just not an issue 99% of the time.
Quote from: elkie-t on August 09, 2017, 10:22:41 AM
So my point is, what puts us in a vulnerable position and makes us a target to public harassing is our inner shame, not really the actions themselves. If you know you haven't done anything wrong, if you don't act as if you're doing something wrong, as if you have nothing to hide - it's just not an issue 99% of the time.
YAS I love this and agree 100%
Quote from: elkie-t on August 09, 2017, 10:22:41 AM
So my point is, what puts us in a vulnerable position and makes us a target to public harassing is our inner shame, not really the actions themselves. If you know you haven't done anything wrong, if you don't act as if you're doing something wrong, as if you have nothing to hide - it's just not an issue 99% of the time.
Exactly!! I feel like I'm an example of exactly this. The only truly negative experience that I've had where someone directly harassed me came at a moment where I was feeling anxious and lacking confidence already. I'm sure my body language and posture were terrible and I probably gave off every weak vibe I could have.
When I go out, holding my head high, in various states of traditionally "feminine" appearance, and walk with confidence, things always seem to go smoothly. People enjoy engaging with me and I probably appear more approachable as well (the smile on my face certainly helps with that). I'm not as self-conscious that people might be talking about me behind my back and all of that makes it so enjoyable and just re-affirms for me that I'm doing what's right to be true to myself.
The common theme in this thread has become: Disregard societal gender stereotypes and your inner perceptions of passing to alleviate the burden that the OP mentioned. However, if one's goal is to become like the gender other than the one that was assigned at birth, and actually fit in the societal perception of a man or a woman as part of their transition, then there IS a burden. And disregarding the perceptions heaped upon us by culture does not relieve that burden, or the burden of loss associated with family and friends when transitioning.
Enough of the feel good, ->-bleeped-<-, and disregard for the facts. Stop sugar coating it with philosophical arguments; being TG is a burden to most that decide to transition.
I understand your point but respectfully disagree. ;)
A mountain climber doesn't call it a burden. It's a challenge with risks and rewards. Big mountain.
Quote from: Kendra on August 09, 2017, 11:26:59 AM
I understand your point but respectfully disagree. ;)
A mountain climber doesn't call it a burden. It's a challenge with risks and rewards. Big mountain.
Rarely do we have to climb a mountain to survive. Not the same as transitioning to stay alive. It becomes a burden when you must do it, in my opinion. :)
Quote from: ainsley on August 09, 2017, 10:59:51 AM
The common theme in this thread has become: Disregard societal gender stereotypes and your inner perceptions of passing to alleviate the burden that the OP mentioned. However, if one's goal is to become like the gender other than the one that was assigned at birth, and actually fit in the societal perception of a man or a woman as part of their transition, then there IS a burden. And disregarding the perceptions heaped upon us by culture does not relieve that burden, or the burden of loss associated with family and friends when transitioning.
Enough of the feel good, ->-bleeped-<-, and disregard for the facts. Stop sugar coating it with philosophical arguments; being TG is a burden to most that decide to transition.
Actually, if you can accept yourself as a third sex, as a transsexual woman, you can leave all that other angst behind. I think that it's fantastic if you were born with enough feminine traits to achieve the ability to "pass", good for you. But many can't and never will, regardless of surgeries or anything else. These women need an alternative to hiding in their bedrooms. That alternative is to not only accept yourself, but be the best you that you can be and tell the haters to go to hell. Your burdenis your burden. Life is a philosophical pursuit and regardless of who you are or what you have, your perception of things has absolute value.
Quote from: jentay1367 on August 09, 2017, 11:35:03 AM
Actually, if you can accept yourself as a third sex, as a transsexual woman, you can leave all that other angst behind.
Exhibit A of my point. "Just accept that which you do not want"
Quote
I think that it's fantastic if you were born with enough feminine traits to achieve the ability to "pass", good for you.
Alas, I was not. Hence my burden and continued pursuit. I will not settle.
Quote
But many can't and never will, regardless of surgeries or anything else.
And if their end goal is to blend as the other gender, they carry a burden.
Quote
These women need an alternative to hiding in their bedrooms. That alternative is to not only accept yourself, but be the best you that you can be and tell the haters to go to hell. Your burdenis your burden. Life is a philosophical pursuit and regardless of who you are or what you have, your perception of things has absolute value.
Life is a philosophical pursuit to some, not necessarily all.
I am not going to argue the merits of acceptance of who we are. The point is that being TG is a burden to many and it should be acknowledged as just that. If you see it otherwise, ok. Having a burden is not a good or bad thing,; it is just a thing. If it weren't a burden, then trans care, WPATH, and other entities that support the addressing of the GID issues would not exist.
Life is a burden. The glass is half full or half empty. I spent my whole life being negative. I know because eveyone let me know. I told those people I was a realist, not negative.
In retrospect, my realism made me a miserable SOB. Wasn't working for me or anyone else. Live your life as you see fit. See things as you want. But owning your situation and not hating yourself because you don't meet someone else's ideal can only, be a good thing. The semantics of "burden" be damned.
The question will never have ONE answer. If we were in Transsexual Talk rather than Transgender Talk there would probably be near unanimous consent. But many of us transgender people don't see it as a burden at all.
And please keep your childish ->-bleeped-<- jabs to yourself.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: ainsley on August 09, 2017, 10:59:51 AM
Enough of the feel good, ->-bleeped-<-, and disregard for the facts. Stop sugar coating it with philosophical arguments; being TG is a burden to most that decide to transition.
The truth is if you're over 6' tall (even if you're 5'10"), or older than 15, then chances are you ain't going to be 100% stealth. Now, the question is what are you going to do about it. One way of dealing with it would be to cry for the rest of your life about impossible. Another, just accept the fact you ain't look as hot as Angelina Jolie and enjoy your life as much as you can.
Point Taken, Jentay. :) I tend to agree with that. Dealing with a burden doesn't have to be done with a negative attitude. It may simply be a daunt that makes you go forward and address it....positively!
And, Devlyn, if the shoe fits... ::)
Here's the problem. Everyone's expressing their opinions. You come in and deem some of those opinions illegitimate. Play the Trump card much? :-*
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs, Devlyn :laugh:
I can see how that might be the perception, but that was not what I intended. (btw, if I have trump, I will usually finesse for an ace... :) )
My point was, rather, no one was legitimizing the OPs feeling of the burden they felt, acknowledging that and accepting that. Rather, it seems, most were saying to not pay attention to that, look on the bright side, accept this or that, and so on. I offered an opposing view and pointed out that members were repeatedly expressing the exact same opinion to each other (to put it an adult phrase...).
Well, as a Devil's Advocate to my own point I would tell the O.P. , yes, life sucks, people suck, everything is hard, we have little reason to live, why was I so screwed with this situation....yadda...yada.yadda. There, you've been validated.
whachuuwannatawkabowtnow?
Ainsley, as one being accused of sugar coating and not legitimizing the OP's feelings, I disagree with those statements and more. No one here invalidated the OP's feelings of burden that I saw. I personally, questioned their source. As described, I pointed out, those burdens are not burdens of being a transgender woman, they are burdens that ALL women must carry.
I personally never suggested there was no burden to being transgender. There are very real costs, stresses and risks that come with transitioning.
You stated "disregarding the perceptions heaped upon us by culture does not relieve that burden". Does it change the burden no, but having that ability which comes from confidence, does make it easier to overcome that burden. We're not ignoring facts hear Ainsley, what we're doing is trying to equip the OP with tools to help her stop obsessing over many elements of her own self-image that are inconsequential in terms of her actually being a woman. Yes they are important feelings that are a part of the transgender experience, but they needn't define who she is or is not.
The fact is we do have burdens as Transgender people but that doesn't mean they have to destroy us or make our lives during or after transition unenjoyable. Instead of focusing on the burden, if we embrace the idea that all have burdens in life and this is simply ours, we can be aware of it yet not let it consume our lives. We can deal with it through transition, without it becoming our sole purpose.
That is the point I believe most if not all were making in this thread. No one that I saw, was attempting to minimize the real raw pain, rather simply provide tools for overcoming it.
Quote from: ainsley on August 09, 2017, 12:26:31 PM
I can see how that might be the perception, but that was not what I intended. (btw, if I have trump, I will usually finesse for an ace... :) )
My point was, rather, no one was legitimizing the OPs feeling of the burden they felt, acknowledging that and accepting that. Rather, it seems, most were saying to not pay attention to that, look on the bright side, accept this or that, and so on. I offered an opposing view and pointed out that members were repeatedly expressing the exact same opinion to each other (to put it an adult phrase...).
How bout this...being trans can really f-ing suck. And I'm not saying this to humor you, I truly feel it. There are moments I get so angry and yell at whatever divine presence might exist for making me this way. I get angry when I say something to a grocery clerk and their direct response to what I said is given to their coworker with zero regard for the fact I am standing in front of them. I get sad when I talk to my mom and hear the pain in her voice over losing her son and feeling that our relationship may never be whole again. I get sad when I look at photos and think of how many years I went hating every single thing about myself, analyzing myself in the mirror with the same shameful result, and refusing to accept even the smallest compliment from anyone. It's a burden to bear, for sure, and I want everyone to know that when they feel alone and scared and sad and angry, we have all felt this in one form or another.
My saying that we can think differently is not coming from an elevated place looking down on peons. I don't see hurt and think "you should just get over it" or "learn to be yourself," because those mantras are utter crap. But you know what? People with social anxiety, people who are alcoholics or drug addicts, people who have been raped, women who have had abortions...all of these people have suffered their own self hate. Their own desire to hide and never come out. Their own version of rejection, abjection, horror on the part of family, friends, and strangers. We are not alone in our hurt, in our burden. To say that being transgender is a burden, and to wear that burden as though we have a special hurt, is self-centered. The hurt itself is not self-centered, but the idea that we have a special burden that no one else has ever had to carry is so isolating and ignorant and world-shutting-out.
Pain is inevitable. But suffering is a choice. So when we say to accept the third gender, or get over trying to pass, my god it is not to put you down or make you feel like your hurt isn't worth feeling. It's to say that we could all choose to hurt, and come on this page and try to give each other advice and support for how to maintain that hurt. OR..we could learn a new way. Break the cycle of anxiety and shame and fear and loathing. Reach out and attempt to bridge a connection to people who truly understand, people who are RIGHT HERE in front of you. There are no rainbows and warm fuzzy feelings and happiness that are given to you by life. We need to create them for ourselves. And in so doing, we add just a smidge of brightness to the otherwise dark and murky crud that is this world.
Despite what my words might sound to you, I love you. I have no idea who you are, but I love you. I love you for trying. I love you for waking up and being you. I love you for dealing with the bs that is handed to you on a daily basis. And I love you for speaking out and challenging thoughts and ideas and putting yourself out there. Just for the simple fact you exist, I LOVE YOU.
Much love and even more,
Aria
We post on these sites to help each other. Theoretically anyways. When someone comes here with a lot of pain and anger or confusion, we want to help, fix it if we can. At least make their burden lighter. I mean, when you go to a Shrink and tell him you think you're going to kill yourself because your world is falling apart, you don't expect them to say, hmmmmm...when you gonna do it? Gun or potato in the tail pipe? ;) :D
Quote from: elkie-t on August 09, 2017, 09:52:59 AM
- there are guys working as mechanics or construction workers wearing skirts and dresses and still they were able to pull it off, and so can you if you want).
There are?
It's difficult for me to undo 55 years of programming. If I was out to my kids, that would make it easier. I hate the secrecy. I do have a kilt, although I need to get a custom one as it's too short and I want to get my wife's family tartan anyway. It's all little by little. Clothes that fit right are hard to find too, dresses in particular. While most women may find that a 40" dress is knee length, for me it's 47" and the biggest problem is chest size. I'm 57" now, but smaller around the waist. I found a place called eShakti that does custom tailored stuff and I will try them after I get down to where I want to be, which is around 220. I think if I took hormones and did hair removal, it would help a lot too. Baby steps.
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Quote from: elkie-t on August 09, 2017, 12:03:30 PM
The truth is if you're over 6' tall (even if you're 5'10"), or older than 15, then chances are you ain't going to be 100% stealth. Now, the question is what are you going to do about it. One way of dealing with it would be to cry for the rest of your life about impossible. Another, just accept the fact you ain't look as hot as Angelina Jolie and enjoy your life as much as you can.
Sydney_nyc looks damn good and she's a big girl...who wants to look like Angelina Jolie anyway. She's as nutty as a 100lb bag of squirrel poop. :) I wonder if the women of the WNBA get called trans women? Some of them have to be pretty tall. Built different though...
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I'm 5'11. At one point I was 242 pounds and about 6'1". I had to let surgeons carve up my face like a Christmas goose and get to 165 pounds to "pass". It wasn't easy. Psychically or physically. But it was what I wanted. No one would have thought I could pass as female 5 years ago, no one. If it's important, there are things many of us can do with hard work, dedication and $$. Others aren't as lucky. Too big or manly a whatever. But they are out of the
"play female" loop. So my whole point is you gotta love yourself. I had to learn to do that to get myself to this point. Without positive thinking and the delusional dedication that brought me, I'd have never found myself at this crossroads. I find it a form of ->-bleeped-<- to simply agree with someone that thinks it's hard, or impossible or unfair or whatever. I want to help you to keep moving along the spectrum. Despair or validation of it, is never a formula for success.
Quote from: AlyssaJ on August 09, 2017, 01:04:54 PM
The fact is we do have burdens as Transgender people...
Quote from: ds1987 on August 09, 2017, 01:11:05 PM
How bout this...being trans can really f-ing suck. And I'm not saying this to humor you, I truly feel it.
Quote from: jentay1367 on August 09, 2017, 01:01:03 PM
Well, as a Devil's Advocate to my own point I would tell the O.P. , yes, life sucks, people suck, everything is hard, we have little reason to live, why was I so screwed with this situation....yadda...yada.yadda. There, you've been validated.
whachuuwannatawkabowtnow?
That's good, ladies. Keep it coming...now we are acknowledging our feelings. That is the first step to dealing with them. And once we acknowledge the OP's feelings of the TG burden, we can help them deal with those feelings.
(https://cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder959/55169959.jpg)
LOL :D :D :D :D
Quote from: ainsley on August 09, 2017, 02:06:02 PM
That's good, ladies. Keep it coming...now we are acknowledging our feelings. That is the first step to dealing with them. And once we acknowledge the OP's feelings of the TG burden, we can help them deal with those feelings.
(https://cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder959/55169959.jpg)
Is this what you were looking for? Cus now I'm seeing more where you're coming from with it, and I actually really appreciate it. Really really.
From my end, it's difficult to validate those feelings because it sparks my own that I'm still dealing with. I was recently on the phone with a trans friend and she talked about losing weight and getting to her goals, and I was hit with a ferocious wave of body dismorphia. I felt disgusting and horrendous and like I'd been failing at keeping on top of my body. I pushed through it, and dealt with it in the moment (something I wasn't able to do before).
So in my other comments, with all the other words, which I know are just words, I was somewhat hesitant to validate the negative feelings because I'm afraid of my own. And you have no idea how much I want to swear here because I feel so passionately about how awful it feels to deal with our issues like this. It can be so fragmented.
But I see now, you're forcing out authenticity. And that authenticity includes being able to allow for the s****y feelings and anger and misery. Because THAT is the burden of being trans. Of tearing apart what you once were, even though you know it's not who you're supposed to be. And the you that you're supposed to be is unknown and beautiful and terrifying. And the you in the process...can be lost and weird and gross and bizarre.
Quote from: ds1987 on August 09, 2017, 02:15:01 PM
Is this what you were looking for? Cus now I'm seeing more where you're coming from with it, and I actually really appreciate it. Really really.
From my end, it's difficult to validate those feelings because it sparks my own that I'm still dealing with. I was recently on the phone with a trans friend and she talked about losing weight and getting to her goals, and I was hit with a ferocious wave of body dismorphia. I felt disgusting and horrendous and like I'd been failing at keeping on top of my body. I pushed through it, and dealt with it in the moment (something I wasn't able to do before).
So in my other comments, with all the other words, which I know are just words, I was somewhat hesitant to validate the negative feelings because I'm afraid of my own. And you have no idea how much I want to swear here because I feel so passionately about how awful it feels to deal with our issues like this. It can be so fragmented.
But I see now, you're forcing out authenticity. And that authenticity includes being able to allow for the s****y feelings and anger and misery. Because THAT is the burden of being trans. Of tearing apart what you once were, even though you know it's not who you're supposed to be. And the you that you're supposed to be is unknown and beautiful and terrifying. And the you in the process...can be lost and weird and gross and bizarre.
Yes! And I was the same.
My mother used to (and still does ...lol...gawd!) listen to a complaint or problem, and rather than acknowledging the feelings about that, jump right to the solution. Well, here is what you need to do! You should not listen to them! Just do this or that! And I was all "But, wait, I just want you to hear what I am saying and understand my frustration, pain, anguish, hurt". I used to do that same thing to my kids. Most of the time they just wanted me to hear and feel their hurt, hug them, and let them know I care. I make a concerted effort now to hear and feel their pain, and I do the same for myself and my wife. I am not great at doing it for others outside of my family, but I try. I always ignored the feelings I was having as being stupid, and focused on solving the problem. Now I acknowledge them, feel them, and accept them long before I craft a solution. It is part of my life. I try to deal with it. :) I feel hella better about me, too. And, well, let's be honest, it's all about me now, isn't it? :D
Quote from: ainsley on August 09, 2017, 02:27:57 PM
Yes! And I was the same.
My mother used to (and still does ...lol...gawd!) listen to a complaint or problem, and rather than acknowledging the feelings about that, jump right to the solution. Well, here is what you need to do! You should not listen to them! Just do this or that! And I was all "But, wait, I just want you to hear what I am saying and understand my frustration, pain, anguish, hurt". I used to do that same thing to my kids. Most of the time they just wanted me to hear and feel there hurt, hug them, and let them know I care. I make a concerted effort now to hear and feel their pain, and I do the same for myself and my wife. I am not great at doing it for others outside of my family, but I try. I always ignored the feelings I was having as being stupid, and focused on solving the problem. Now I acknowledge them, feel them, and accept them long before I craft a solution. It is part of my life. I try to deal with it. :) I feel hella better about me, too. And, well, let's be honest, it's all about me, now isn't it? :D
This is huge for me. Here I thought I WAS helping, or at least providing insight. But who am I to just rattle off things I've learned and progressed with and...ignore the need to just be loved, albeit digitally by one of my sisters. Thank you for this, it's been a bit of a slap that I needed..
Quote from: karenk1959 on August 08, 2017, 08:14:48 AM
I walk in the world and most often when I see a woman, I think of how lucky they must feel, being able to do all things feminine, including wearing feminine clothes and lingerie and make-up. Then I realize that they probably don't think too often about it. For them, it is second nature and part of their identity that they have known all their lives. For me, I obsess constantly over my identity, how it feels to wear women's clothes and make-up and my wrong anatomy. Even if I were to fully transition, I would still always be cognizant of assuming a feminine role. I would be forced to think about how my TG was responsible for my marriage falling apart and the loss of friends. I feel like being TG is a terrible burden that I absolutely hate because instead of focusing my energies on other things and relationships in my life, I am forced to constantly think about my gender. Sometimes it just is too much to bear
I apologize for having steamrolled over your need to just be heard and acknowledged and loved. Your loss is huge, and it must be incredibly difficult for you to be in this current position. Thank you for sharing this here, and I do hope that you continue to see us as available to you when you do feel this way. Despite your heavy burden, you're not alone <3
I have never thought of being trans as a burden. Life is about blessings and burdens. Some people have more of one than the other. I have always viewed being trans as a blessing...it's what makes me unique. Sure it's a challenge at times, but that's life. I believe having a positive outlook always wins out, even if and when life throws me a curveball.
Quote from: Gertrude on August 09, 2017, 01:24:28 PM
There are?
It's difficult for me to undo 55 years of programming. If I was out to my kids, that would make it easier. I hate the secrecy. I do have a kilt, although I need to get a custom one as it's too short and I want to get my wife's family tartan anyway. It's all little by little. Clothes that fit right are hard to find too, dresses in particular. While most women may find that a 40" dress is knee length, for me it's 47" and the biggest problem is chest size. I'm 57" now, but smaller around the waist. I found a place called eShakti that does custom tailored stuff and I will try them after I get down to where I want to be, which is around 220. I think if I took hormones and did hair removal, it would help a lot too. Baby steps.
I recall reading an article about one guy working in a construction warehouse in NYC who was always that way and it never was any issue with his customers or colleagues. And another article about a guy working as a car mechanic in FL. Unfortunately, google gives plenty of articles about guys wearing skirts in protest or outside of work, but none to support my prior statement :)
Still, how about these links to help you unprogram yourself?
https://runninginnj.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/warning-man-in-skirt/
http://www.post-gazette.com/hsother/2010/09/19/Five-boys-on-field-hockey-team-at-Greensburg-C-C-fuels-crossover-debate/stories/201009190217#ixzz26Zs4bfjr
https://www.buzzfeed.com/mathewguiver/i-wore-skirts-for-a-week?utm_term=.lsdxp2EWw#.ykzQzx613
I think sometimes we make trans a burden to ourselves, one of the first steps i take is accepting myself as trans, and by default different.
And the acknowledgement of that difference is still something i don't like for the most part.
CIS woman will have other woman they admire and aspire to be more like. Idols roll models. ect
But for me as a trans woman, that woman i aspire to be more like, is an image of myself.
Im aware of the ways I don't conform to Myself, and this is a burden for me,
Because until I do conform 100% to that, deep down I still on some small level feel less of a woman, and this prevents me from living as the woman I am.
I've accepted myself as trans, now I need to learn how to look past that, in onder to focus on being a woman, and not on being a trans woman.
Quote from: elkie-t on August 09, 2017, 03:38:46 PM
I recall reading an article about one guy working in a construction warehouse in NYC who was always that way and it never was any issue with his customers or colleagues. And another article about a guy working as a car mechanic in FL. Unfortunately, google gives plenty of articles about guys wearing skirts in protest or outside of work, but none to support my prior statement :)
Still, how about these links to help you unprogram yourself?
https://runninginnj.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/warning-man-in-skirt/
http://www.post-gazette.com/hsother/2010/09/19/Five-boys-on-field-hockey-team-at-Greensburg-C-C-fuels-crossover-debate/stories/201009190217#ixzz26Zs4bfjr
https://www.buzzfeed.com/mathewguiver/i-wore-skirts-for-a-week?utm_term=.lsdxp2EWw#.ykzQzx613
Danke
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Quote from: karenk1959 on August 08, 2017, 08:14:48 AM
I walk in the world and most often when I see a woman, I think of how lucky they must feel, being able to do all things feminine, including wearing feminine clothes and lingerie and make-up. Then I realize that they probably don't think too often about it. For them, it is second nature and part of their identity that they have known all their lives. For me, I obsess constantly over my identity, how it feels to wear women's clothes and make-up and my wrong anatomy. Even if I were to fully transition, I would still always be cognizant of assuming a feminine role. I would be forced to think about how my TG was responsible for my marriage falling apart and the loss of friends. I feel like being TG is a terrible burden that I absolutely hate because instead of focusing my energies on other things and relationships in my life, I am forced to constantly think about my gender. Sometimes it just is too much to bear
I feel your pain, its like looking in a mirror. My marriage, my life i have built around being HIM, my family and friends, i stand to loose them all. For what, a feeling I can hardly convince myself of, never mind anyone else. This is not a blessing, its a curse. If i could get rid of this feeling, i would. This life sucks.
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Quote from: Janes Groove on August 08, 2017, 01:28:07 PM
I've heard this argument before, but I believe it is based on a false premise. Yes there are cisgender people who reject us but in my experience there are just as many who accept us. The only way to gauge it is to actually go out and live it. Outside the closet. A lot of minorities deal with this and have done so for time immemorial. And one thing they all have in common is they derive profound support from those of their/our kind.
As both a PoC and a transman, I have begun to see this society I live in from a somewhat different perspective.
Here in America in 2017, I've had to come to terms with the fact that there are certain things I must do in order to continue living safely and not become a statistic.
For some reason, more African-American men seem to be targeted by the police and are being shot. I don't know if this has always happened and body cams simply show that it happens, or if its more frequent. But finally living as my authentic self has forced me to be even MORE aware of what I do in society.
It saddens me that some of the things I used to take for granted, such as smiling at children playing, can now be seen as a threat. So I am learning to externally smile a bit less as a man. But no one can stop me from smiling on the inside, which is what I'm learning to do.
There are other things, both positive as well as negative that I am learning about living life as a man of color. As my therapist loves to say, "its a process" of learning what's accepted in order for me to remain safe in this society.
Having the support of my fellow trans-community does wonders not only for me to learn simple things like "how to properly go to the bathroom as a man," but even little things like the difference in the way a woman walks vs a man.
Others that have gone before me are now helping me teach those that come behind me how to be a man. I still have a long way to go before I too become the man that I should have been born as, but its great to have other transgender friends to cheer me along the way.
Would I go back to my former, dissatisfied self in order to be able to "live life more safely?"
Not in a million years.
Ryuichi
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Being Sara is a burden big time, she has cost me everything I,m ad & loved, but the fact is she is who I'm am so I just Need to a adjust to being her & hopefully things will change for the good.
Sara
Sara all we want is to be the person we truly are! I'm proud of you and just be u dear! If it cost then old friends were really not truly as good of friends as you imagined!
I'm ready to move forward! I love my spouse but in the end I'm going forward so the first time in my life I can stop the war in my head!
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I never really thought about being transgender as a burden but it being a very puzzling mystery about myself, plus all the questions it brings to light the main one why now at my age {60}. as some have said it was probably always there just did not know what it was.
Hmmmmm, I kind of came here and hooked up with all you folks because pretending I was Binary was a burden. I guess life's a burden?
Life is a burden, Living it requires the burden of effort.
And the effort cant often come with the burden of dis satisfaction.
And being satisfied when others are not, can make us a burden to those others.
Like wise, those others can become a burden due to our satisfaction.