The Burden of TG

[jentay1367]

Life is a burden. The glass is half full or half empty. I spent my whole life being negative. I know because eveyone let me know. I told those people I was a realist, not negative.

In retrospect, my realism made me a miserable SOB. Wasn't working for me or anyone else. Live your life as you see fit. See things as you want. But owning your situation and not hating yourself because you don't meet someone else's ideal can only, be a good thing. The semantics of "burden" be damned.

[Devlyn]

The question will never have ONE answer. If we were in Transsexual Talk rather than Transgender Talk there would probably be near unanimous consent. But many of us transgender people don't see it as a burden at all.

And please keep your childish ->-bleeped-<- jabs to yourself.

Hugs, Devlyn

[elkie-t]

Enough of the feel good, ->-bleeped-<-, and disregard for the facts.  Stop sugar coating it with philosophical arguments; being TG is a burden to most that decide to transition.

The truth is if you're over 6' tall (even if you're 5'10"), or older than 15, then chances are you ain't going to be 100% stealth. Now, the question is what are you going to do about it. One way of dealing with it would be to cry for the rest of your life about impossible. Another, just accept the fact you ain't look as hot as Angelina Jolie and enjoy your life as much as you can.

[ainsley]

Point Taken, Jentay.   I tend to agree with that.  Dealing with a burden doesn't have to be done with a negative attitude.  It may simply be a daunt that makes you go forward and address it....positively!

And, Devlyn, if the shoe fits...   

[Devlyn]

Here's the problem.  Everyone's expressing their opinions. You come in and deem some of those opinions illegitimate.  Play the Trump card much? 

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs, Devlyn 

[ainsley]

I can see how that might be the perception, but that was not what I intended.  (btw, if I have trump, I will usually finesse for an ace... )
My point was, rather, no one was legitimizing the OPs feeling of the burden they felt, acknowledging that and accepting that.  Rather, it seems, most were saying to not pay attention to that, look on the bright side, accept this or that, and so on.  I offered an opposing view and pointed out that members were repeatedly expressing the exact same opinion to each other (to put it an adult phrase...).

[jentay1367]

Well, as a Devil's Advocate to my own point I would tell the O.P. , yes, life sucks, people suck, everything is hard, we have little reason to live, why was I so screwed with this situation....yadda...yada.yadda. There, you've been validated.
whachuuwannatawkabowtnow?

[AlyssaJ]

Ainsley, as one being accused of sugar coating and not legitimizing the OP's feelings, I disagree with those statements and more.  No one here invalidated the OP's feelings of burden that I saw.  I personally, questioned their source.  As described, I pointed out, those burdens are not burdens of being a transgender woman, they are burdens that ALL women must carry. 

I personally never suggested there was no burden to being transgender.  There are very real costs, stresses and risks that come with transitioning.

You stated "disregarding the perceptions heaped upon us by culture does not relieve that burden".  Does it change the burden no, but having that ability which comes from confidence, does make it easier to overcome that burden. We're not ignoring facts hear Ainsley, what we're doing is trying to equip the OP with tools to help her stop obsessing over many elements of her own self-image that are inconsequential in terms of her actually being a woman.  Yes they are important feelings that are a part of the transgender experience, but they needn't define who she is or is not.

The fact is we do have burdens as Transgender people but that doesn't mean they have to destroy us or make our lives during or after transition unenjoyable.  Instead of focusing on the burden, if we embrace the idea that all have burdens in life and this is simply ours, we can be aware of it yet not let it consume our lives.  We can deal with it through transition, without it becoming our sole purpose.

That is the point I believe most if not all were making in this thread.  No one that I saw, was attempting to minimize the real raw pain, rather simply provide tools for overcoming it.

[ds1987]

I can see how that might be the perception, but that was not what I intended.  (btw, if I have trump, I will usually finesse for an ace... )
My point was, rather, no one was legitimizing the OPs feeling of the burden they felt, acknowledging that and accepting that.  Rather, it seems, most were saying to not pay attention to that, look on the bright side, accept this or that, and so on.  I offered an opposing view and pointed out that members were repeatedly expressing the exact same opinion to each other (to put it an adult phrase...).

How bout this...being trans can really f-ing suck.  And I'm not saying this to humor you, I truly feel it.  There are moments I get so angry and yell at whatever divine presence might exist for making me this way.  I get angry when I say something to a grocery clerk and their direct response to what I said is given to their coworker with zero regard for the fact I am standing in front of them.  I get sad when I talk to my mom and hear the pain in her voice over losing her son and feeling that our relationship may never be whole again.  I get sad when I look at photos and think of how many years I went hating every single thing about myself, analyzing myself in the mirror with the same shameful result, and refusing to accept even the smallest compliment from anyone.  It's a burden to bear, for sure, and I want everyone to know that when they feel alone and scared and sad and angry, we have all felt this in one form or another.

My saying that we can think differently is not coming from an elevated place looking down on peons.  I don't see hurt and think "you should just get over it" or "learn to be yourself," because those mantras are utter crap.  But you know what?  People with social anxiety, people who are alcoholics or drug addicts, people who have been raped, women who have had abortions...all of these people have suffered their own self hate.  Their own desire to hide and never come out.  Their own version of rejection, abjection, horror on the part of family, friends, and strangers.  We are not alone in our hurt, in our burden.  To say that being transgender is a burden, and to wear that burden as though we have a special hurt, is self-centered.  The hurt itself is not self-centered, but the idea that we have a special burden that no one else has ever had to carry is so isolating and ignorant and world-shutting-out. 

Pain is inevitable.  But suffering is a choice.  So when we say to accept the third gender, or get over trying to pass, my god it is not to put you down or make you feel like your hurt isn't worth feeling.  It's to say that we could all choose to hurt, and come on this page and try to give each other advice and support for how to maintain that hurt.  OR..we could learn a new way.  Break the cycle of anxiety and shame and fear and loathing.  Reach out and attempt to bridge a connection to people who truly understand, people who are RIGHT HERE in front of you.  There are no rainbows and warm fuzzy feelings and happiness that are given to you by life.  We need to create them for ourselves.  And in so doing, we add just a smidge of brightness to the otherwise dark and murky crud that is this world.

Despite what my words might sound to you, I love you.  I have no idea who you are, but I love you.  I love you for trying.  I love you for waking up and being you.  I love you for dealing with the bs that is handed to you on a daily basis.  And I love you for speaking out and challenging thoughts and ideas and putting yourself out there.  Just for the simple fact you exist, I LOVE YOU.

Much love and even more,
Aria

[jentay1367]

We post on these sites to help each other. Theoretically anyways. When someone comes here with a lot of pain and anger or confusion, we want to help, fix it if we can. At least make their burden lighter. I mean, when you go to a Shrink and tell him you think you're going to kill yourself because your world is falling apart, you don't expect them to say, hmmmmm...when you gonna do it? Gun or potato in the tail pipe? 

[Gertrude]

- there are guys working as mechanics or construction workers wearing skirts and dresses and still they were able to pull it off, and so can you if you want).

There are?

It's difficult for me to undo 55 years of programming. If I was out to my kids, that would make it easier. I hate the secrecy. I do have a kilt, although I need to get a custom one as it's too short and I want to get my wife's family tartan anyway. It's all little by little. Clothes that fit right are hard to find too, dresses in particular. While most women may find that a 40" dress is knee length, for me it's 47" and the biggest problem is chest size. I'm 57" now, but smaller around the waist. I found a place called eShakti that does custom tailored stuff and I will try them after I get down to where I want to be, which is around 220. I think if I took hormones and did hair removal, it would help a lot too. Baby steps.


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[Gertrude]

The truth is if you're over 6' tall (even if you're 5'10"), or older than 15, then chances are you ain't going to be 100% stealth. Now, the question is what are you going to do about it. One way of dealing with it would be to cry for the rest of your life about impossible. Another, just accept the fact you ain't look as hot as Angelina Jolie and enjoy your life as much as you can.

Sydney_nyc looks damn good and she's a big girl...who wants to look like Angelina Jolie anyway. She's as nutty as a 100lb bag of squirrel poop. I wonder if the women of the WNBA get called trans women? Some of them have to be pretty tall. Built different though...


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[jentay1367]

I'm 5'11. At one point I was 242 pounds and about 6'1". I had to let surgeons carve up my face like a Christmas goose and get to 165 pounds to "pass".  It wasn't easy. Psychically or physically. But it was what I wanted. No one  would have thought I could pass as female 5 years ago, no one. If it's important, there are things many of us can do with hard work, dedication and $$. Others aren't as lucky. Too big or manly a whatever. But they are out of the
"play female" loop. So my whole point is you gotta love yourself. I had to learn to do that to get myself to this point. Without positive thinking and the delusional dedication that brought me, I'd have never found myself at this crossroads. I find it a form of ->-bleeped-<- to simply agree with someone that thinks it's hard, or impossible or unfair or whatever. I want to help you to keep moving along the spectrum. Despair or validation of it, is never a formula for success.

[ainsley]

The fact is we do have burdens as Transgender people...

How bout this...being trans can really f-ing suck.  And I'm not saying this to humor you, I truly feel it.

Well, as a Devil's Advocate to my own point I would tell the O.P. , yes, life sucks, people suck, everything is hard, we have little reason to live, why was I so screwed with this situation....yadda...yada.yadda. There, you've been validated.
whachuuwannatawkabowtnow?

That's good, ladies.  Keep it coming...now we are acknowledging our feelings.  That is the first step to dealing with them.  And once we acknowledge the OP's feelings of the TG burden, we can help them deal with those feelings.

[jentay1367]

LOL

[ds1987]

That's good, ladies.  Keep it coming...now we are acknowledging our feelings.  That is the first step to dealing with them.  And once we acknowledge the OP's feelings of the TG burden, we can help them deal with those feelings.

Is this what you were looking for?  Cus now I'm seeing more where you're coming from with it, and I actually really appreciate it.  Really really.

From my end, it's difficult to validate those feelings because it sparks my own that I'm still dealing with.  I was recently on the phone with a trans friend and she talked about losing weight and getting to her goals, and I was hit with a ferocious wave of body dismorphia.  I felt disgusting and horrendous and like I'd been failing at keeping on top of my body.  I pushed through it, and dealt with it in the moment (something I wasn't able to do before).

So in my other comments, with all the other words, which I know are just words, I was somewhat hesitant to validate the negative feelings because I'm afraid of my own.  And you have no idea how much I want to swear here because I feel so passionately about how awful it feels to deal with our issues like this.  It can be so fragmented.

But I see now, you're forcing out authenticity.  And that authenticity includes being able to allow for the s****y feelings and anger and misery.  Because THAT is the burden of being trans.  Of tearing apart what you once were, even though you know it's not who you're supposed to be.  And the you that you're supposed to be is unknown and beautiful and terrifying.  And the you in the process...can be lost and weird and gross and bizarre.

[ainsley]

Is this what you were looking for?  Cus now I'm seeing more where you're coming from with it, and I actually really appreciate it.  Really really.

From my end, it's difficult to validate those feelings because it sparks my own that I'm still dealing with.  I was recently on the phone with a trans friend and she talked about losing weight and getting to her goals, and I was hit with a ferocious wave of body dismorphia.  I felt disgusting and horrendous and like I'd been failing at keeping on top of my body.  I pushed through it, and dealt with it in the moment (something I wasn't able to do before).

So in my other comments, with all the other words, which I know are just words, I was somewhat hesitant to validate the negative feelings because I'm afraid of my own.  And you have no idea how much I want to swear here because I feel so passionately about how awful it feels to deal with our issues like this.  It can be so fragmented.

But I see now, you're forcing out authenticity.  And that authenticity includes being able to allow for the s****y feelings and anger and misery.  Because THAT is the burden of being trans.  Of tearing apart what you once were, even though you know it's not who you're supposed to be.  And the you that you're supposed to be is unknown and beautiful and terrifying.  And the you in the process...can be lost and weird and gross and bizarre.

Yes!  And I was the same. 

My mother used to (and still does ...lol...gawd!) listen to a complaint or problem, and rather than acknowledging the feelings about that, jump right to the solution.  Well, here is what you need to do!  You should not listen to them!  Just do this or that!  And I was all "But, wait, I just want you to hear what I am saying and understand my frustration, pain, anguish, hurt".  I used to do that same thing to my kids.  Most of the time they just wanted me to hear and feel their hurt, hug them, and let them know I care.  I make a concerted effort now to hear and feel their pain, and I do the same for myself and my wife.  I am not great at doing it for others outside of my family, but I try.  I always ignored the feelings I was having as being stupid, and focused on solving the problem.  Now I acknowledge them, feel them, and accept them long before I craft a solution.  It is part of my life.  I try to deal with it.   I feel hella better about me, too.  And, well, let's be honest, it's all about me now, isn't it? 

[ds1987]

Yes!  And I was the same. 

My mother used to (and still does ...lol...gawd!) listen to a complaint or problem, and rather than acknowledging the feelings about that, jump right to the solution.  Well, here is what you need to do!  You should not listen to them!  Just do this or that!  And I was all "But, wait, I just want you to hear what I am saying and understand my frustration, pain, anguish, hurt".  I used to do that same thing to my kids.  Most of the time they just wanted me to hear and feel there hurt, hug them, and let them know I care.  I make a concerted effort now to hear and feel their pain, and I do the same for myself and my wife.  I am not great at doing it for others outside of my family, but I try.  I always ignored the feelings I was having as being stupid, and focused on solving the problem.  Now I acknowledge them, feel them, and accept them long before I craft a solution.  It is part of my life.  I try to deal with it.   I feel hella better about me, too.  And, well, let's be honest, it's all about me, now isn't it? 

This is huge for me.  Here I thought I WAS helping, or at least providing insight.  But who am I to just rattle off things I've learned and progressed with and...ignore the need to just be loved, albeit digitally by one of my sisters.  Thank you for this, it's been a bit of a slap that I needed..

[ds1987]

I walk in the world and most often when I see a woman, I think of how lucky they must feel, being able to do all things feminine, including wearing feminine clothes and lingerie and make-up. Then I realize that they probably don't think too often about it. For them, it is second nature and part of their identity that they have known all their lives. For me, I obsess constantly over my identity, how it feels to wear women's clothes and make-up and my wrong anatomy. Even if I were to fully transition, I would still always be cognizant of assuming a feminine role. I would be forced to think about how my TG was responsible for my marriage falling apart and the loss of friends. I feel like being TG is a terrible burden that I absolutely hate because instead of focusing my energies on other things and relationships in my life, I am forced to constantly think about my gender. Sometimes it just is too much to bear

I apologize for having steamrolled over your need to just be heard and acknowledged and loved.  Your loss is huge, and it must be incredibly difficult for you to be in this current position.  Thank you for sharing this here, and I do hope that you continue to see us as available to you when you do feel this way.  Despite your heavy burden, you're not alone <3

[Nina]

I have never thought of being trans as a burden. Life is about blessings and burdens. Some people have more of one than the other. I have always viewed being trans as a blessing...it's what makes me unique. Sure it's a challenge at times, but that's life. I believe having a positive outlook always wins out, even if and when life throws me a curveball.