I was thinking about my life and wanted to post this.
Prelude
I am a 21 year old "male to female" transgender living in California. I have been on hormones for about a year now. I am not out to anyone but a few people, one of whom I'm not friends with anymore thankfully and the rest of apart of the informed consent clinic I go to (they aren't my friends anyway since I only use them to get access to Hormonal Replacement Therapy). I am deeply in the closet and I plan to remain this way for the rest of my life.
Childhood to Age 11
Originally, I am from Brooklyn, New York. My family was dysfunctional and my mom and dad eventually got divorced at 11 years old. I never played with dolls or did anything girly in my childhood; however, the earliest I can remember of me having feelings of being transgender was about 11 years old. I remember being jealous of girls being able to do girl stuff. I never shared these feelings with anyone because I knew that it wasn't normal. I didn't know much about the LGBTQIA+ community at the time but I knew that coming out would result in me being kicked out of my home. It only got worse when I learned about the next stage: Puberty. After this point I would need a therapist to help deal with my anger issues because almost weekly I would take out my anger on innate objects and physically fight with my twin brother because of my pent up anger.
Puberty: Ages 12 to 17
The fighting and anger slowly went away over time. These were the worst years of my life. If I could get brainwashing to forget I ever lived through these years I would. I secluded myself from all forms of family and found solace in playing an online game and stress eating. I would "forget" about being transgender during these years simply because I was tired of being angry all the time. However, my gender dyshporia would get worse. From 13 to 17 I would experience high school. During these years NO ONE would know I'm transgender, but I would still be bullied physically and mentally. They would also do racist things towards me. The worst part of this is that I let it happen. I just went along with being bullied like it was a normal part of life because they were the only "friends" I had. One time one of the bullies slapped me in my face, literally and I just smiled and said "that's okay I deserved it, do it again if you like". Another time I was pushed by those bullies down the stairs and I told everyone to laugh because I thought it was funny. I was the only one laughing and I remember one of them saying "you need to get some friends bro, you're sick in the head". One more thing I'll share, one time they pulled down my pants (and underwear) in gym, everyone saw my privates and they were laughing at how small I was. Keep in mind these were the minor things that happened to me during my high school years. Additionally, I also hated high school because I would be surrounded by cisgendered women who were developing into adults, living happy lives and doing stuff normal girls would do at that age. While I was developing like a man and miserable. I couldn't stand it. I would graduate and finally get out of that hellhole. Eventually, I "remembered" I was transgender and start college. That's when my mom started acting up. You'll see what I mean in the next section
Adulthood: Age 18 - Present
I was FINALLY experiencing some form "happiness", I think. I believe it was more like I wasn't in despair. He was and is my only true friend (he's anti LGBTQIA+, but he's all that I have) would start hanging out a lot more. We would chill at my house go to the corner store to get food almost weekly and play that online game I talked about earlier together at my place. We would also play video games in general together. I was finally around adults and the bullying came to an end. I would excel in the first year of college getting a perfect GPA. I wanted to transfer to Cornell, but those dreams were cut short. My mom was developing schizophrenia and I wasn't able to live in New York anymore. My father offered me refuge in California on the condition that I get into UC Berkeley. Which didn't happen, but I would win a full scholarship to attend another university. He (and I) are still mad about it. I don't think I can ever get over my rejection. Not for a long time. I would also start Hormonal Replacement Therapy in my twenties. At that point its too late because male puberty was already finished. I realized that I had screwed myself big time. I have no one else to blame but myself for my own incompetence. I realized that not being able to pass equates to not being able to be happy. I have definitive masculine features that are effected by my hands, feet, height, full body hair, hips, chest, facial structure, voice, body frame and shoulders. Most of these cannot be fixed with surgery so passing is an impossibility. I made the decision this week to stay in the closet for the rest of my life and just take Hormonal Replacement Therapy as a way to not feel so dysphoric at times. I realized that passing is the only thing that matters to me and that self acceptance stuff is just nonsensical in my opinion. Additionally, I came to other realizations that significantly changed my view on how I see gender and gender dysphoria. I thought I had some hope in the realm of passing but I was wrong and disillusioned. I am actively seeking out a therapist who can help me in my goals of finding coping mechanisms with being happy with living as a man and deal with the fact that life just isn't fair, so I should just deal with what I have.
I am so sorry you are going thru the pain you are. It sucks. I know two great therapists but probably are not close to you. They are in Redlands and Costa Mesa. They may be able to recommend someone close to you. I am in the inland empire. Just moved from Huntington Beach. If you need to talk just pm me. I will never pass. So I know where you are coming from. If not me anybody here would probably be happy to talk to you.
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Forever is a long time and you still have two possible approaches. Yes, you may have male feature but I am constantly surprised on this site how people can turn a disadvantage into an advantage. The second is you reach a point in life when you don't care what other people think and you experience the freedom of being your own person. Anyone that requires I have to be something else to know them isn't worth having in my life. I am a truthful person and I am not going to live a lie for another's attention.
What ever you decide, you are still welcome here and you may change your mind as your life evolves.
I lost track of how many times I said "Never Again" on top of "Transitioning is No Way, No How in my future. No prob, HRT denial diversions & distractions can keep be going as a Normal(ish) male"
Quote from: Norma Lynne on September 02, 2017, 04:45:17 PM
I am so sorry you are going thru the pain you are. It sucks. I know two great therapists but probably are not close to you. They are in Redlands and Costa Mesa. They may be able to recommend someone close to you. I am in the inland empire. Just moved from Huntington Beach. If you need to talk just pm me. I will never pass. So I know where you are coming from. If not me anybody here would probably be happy to talk to you.
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Thank you. I don't know how to cope with any of this anymore. I feel like suicide is the only way out at this point.
Quote from: JoanneB on September 02, 2017, 05:32:40 PM
I lost track of how many times I said "Never Again" on top of "Transitioning is No Way, No How in my future. No prob, HRT denial diversions & distractions can keep be going as a Normal(ish) male"
I just don't know how to cope with being non passing. I can't go out as a non passing transgender.
Quote from: Dena on September 02, 2017, 05:14:55 PM
Forever is a long time and you still have two possible approaches. Yes, you may have male feature but I am constantly surprised on this site how people can turn a disadvantage into an advantage. The second is you reach a point in life when you don't care what other people think and you experience the freedom of being your own person. Anyone that requires I have to be something else to know them isn't worth having in my life. I am a truthful person and I am not going to live a lie for another's attention.
What ever you decide, you are still welcome here and you may change your mind as your life evolves.
It's not able caring what other people think. It's about validity and common sense. I can't parade myself as a woman while looking like a man. Its terrifying to think about. If I were passing I wouldn't care about being transgender. My problem is just not being able to pass no matter what I do.
Agreed, I've been through many cycles myself. Lots of denial, lots of trying to cope. I couldn't, but I also never tried to do this with a support structure. I am now, and it is helping. I'm willing to bend an ear listen and help if I can. I'm in OC also do if you'd like to meet in person. You did say CA, not sure where that was, hoping OC.
Bari Jo
Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 02, 2017, 04:21:52 PM
I realized that passing is the only thing that matters to me and that self acceptance stuff is just nonsensical in my opinion.
Self acceptance seems to be one of the most difficult parts of being trans...in most cases until you gain some self acceptance then no amount of hormones or surgeries are ever likely to be enough. There are so many threads on here where girls ask if they pass and are told "yes you look great" but quite often they don't accept it because they have not reached a point of any self acceptance.
Wether you pass or not, when you reach a point of gaining some self acceptance you may still want to have some surgeries or other procedures but the more you accept who you are, the more likely you are to be happy with the outcome of these surgeries or procedures.
Part of the issue with passing is that you need to have a certain amount of self confidence (doesn't matter what you look like) in order to feel and looked relaxed. I think your goal of seeking out t therapist is a great idea, as I am sure you will be able to explore this stuff more deeply in the privacy of therapy.
I hope can get the help you want.
Quote from: Bari Jo on September 02, 2017, 06:32:11 PM
Agreed, I've been through many cycles myself. Lots of denial, lots of trying to cope. I couldn't, but I also never tried to do this with a support structure. I am now, and it is helping. I'm willing to bend an ear listen and help if I can. I'm in OC also do if you'd like to meet in person. You did say CA, not sure where that was, hoping OC.
Bari Jo
Hi,
I'm in Santa Cruz county right now. I've tried going to "support groups". I don't think they help. All I see when I go to a support group is a bunch of passing happy transwomen who started early with minor normal trans issues like "My bf is trying to introduce me to his parents as trans", etc... Nothing like my issues, where I literally can't validate ->-bleeped-<- and have the worst internalized transphobia.
Gosh, I know exactly what you mean about easily passing ladies. When I first reached out to the groups, I emailed the leaders through email saying I'm 46 and do not want to meet with people that are already passing, are super young and won't have the issues that I may have in transitioning. That kind of distraction just wouldn't be the kind of support I need. Id suggest finding another group, or email some local ladies on Susan's that have similar issues. I'm doing that expanding my circle and do feel better about myself and my situation.
BTW, I love Santa Cruz. I probably visit once a year and go to the boardwalk each time. My picture is from the Ferris wheel there. Also having an understanding boyfriend is great. Support structures start with one person:)
Take it from a girl who came out 3 years ago only to try and push herself back into the closet to later be forced out. Thats right, me! I came out 3 years ago hun and I regret nothing about that part of it. What I do regret is that back then I never accepted myself, i never loved myself as a woman really and such. I only knew I was miserable being a man, I know I would be happier as a woman but looking back i still had not only a lot of internalized transphobia but also I never gave myself time to let my real feminine spirit out. I knew years before I wanted to be a female, but i rarely did the basics like dress up while in the closet or allow for feminine expressions because i was still ''living as a guy'', yes that was my thought process so I was even more specially repressed. So one day I ripped the band-aid off. Good feelings about it? well, yes. Many. I felt super at peace and at ease and just so darn happy and life has meaning. But, with that I ended up with doubts, shames, and guilts. These followed me for 2 whole years. The more i transitioned the happier I got looking at that woman who should have alwasy of been, but I also felt the doubts, shame and guilt. Plus having people trying to play on those feelings i addition to planting those in to me before I transitioned didnt help. One day I broke down and tried to go back to being a man. It didnt work, mostly because both sub-consiously and consiously I didnt want to go back. At all. But i felt this gross compulsiveness to. I never fully went back, within hours (and as time moved forth minutes to mere seconds) of putting on male attire and acting with the dead male persona/mannerisms I was miserable to point never before seen. I been on HRT and living outwardly as a woman since I guess December or something like that and each day gets better. Infact lately, I have never felt better but that is because I am doing the hard work in 2017 I didnt do in 2014. I am doing much better and living fully female and I notice the more I work on myself in every regard, the more peace I feel and the more peace I feel I notice I start to become even more feminine if that makes sense? or atleast be able to accept I am female. You know we have years of being kids with feminine spirts to have them have to go into hiding, to only day dream about the other side (or just dream and wish and pray for a girls life to happen) but we are ''suppose'' a certian way.. I get it, it sucked.I also found going to trans-support groups to be fun but I always felt self consious. I had other girls tell their life stories, some of them sounded like my childhood, teen years and early adulthood word for word but surely I am just a special freak and that was all happenstance, how can I compare to these amazing angels who are truly strong (who I am ''suppose'' to avoid, not be around and panic at) It is hard, ask a single person on this fourm here and they will say I sound similar to you. Ask them where my head was around this time last October.. no, please do ask because I dont even know. I had to talk to people and pour my heart out , I too was writing about how suicide was the only option but I got the help I needed and got a very special mentor who helped me during the worst months (Wasnt going to do this but a big notable and special thank you to Sadie Blake for being my Gaurdian-Trans-Mother-Angel). Inbox me if you wish, you can do it. We can do it together <3
Babbling aside, suicide will do nothing for your cause. As others will say death is a long term solution for a short term problem. Instead of thinking of tomb stones thing of milestones <3
If you don't pass AND don't think you WILL ever pass (which is such a very subjective thing anyway IMO), then the way I see it is you have one of two choices. Either stay in the closet the rest of your life and acccept the domininant culture's transphobic view of the way transgender women are "supposed" to look and buy into the notion that there is something "wrong" with you, or 2. change the way you think about it and operate from a more self-affirming perspective.
And judging from the undercurrents and reading between the lines of your post, I get the impression that the 1st option is not something you are at all enthused about.
Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 02, 2017, 06:25:28 PM
Thank you. I don't know how to cope with any of this anymore. I feel like suicide is the only way out at this point.
Sweetheart No. it's not. There were 2 times I was going to. One time I was in the garage ready to just pull in my car. Start it. Close the door. And when I opened the door to pull in my car. My wife came home early from work. The second time I started my wife's car that was already in the garage with the door closed. But she was home and I knew she would just find me and take me to the hospital. It gets bad sometimes. I look at myself with my nails done in my women's sandals wearing a tshirt with my breasts sticking out thinking. How can anybody not be able to tell I am at least something different than a CIS male. I just can't stand not doing something anymore because society thinks I should not. I getting to the point wear I have to make a choice keep going or stop. And stopping is just not a choice anymore. I made that choice. Ima keep on goin. Screw what everybody thinks. It's my freakin happiness. If someone has a problem they can take it up with me directly and I will tell them where they can put their opinion. And what happens?? I start making some good friends. In my humble opinion. That is all anybody needs is a few good friends. All I need is to make the effort. Talk to me. Send me a pm. That is why I'm here. I will talk to anybody who wants. I will not always say stuff you may like or agree with. But if you want or anybody wants I will be one of your good friends that will be there for you if you want. Or anybody wants for that matter. I have alway been there for people who ask. Just I am a raging bitch sometimes so people are afraid to ask. Lol. But if I can help and I am asked and I can, I will!!
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I don't feel I'll ever pass either.
My story is somewhat similar to yours in that I sort of forgot I was trans when I was a teenager, and remembered when I was around your age. I similarly decided to stay in the closet, though it turned out not to be forever.
What changed is I've come to see not passing as actually a good thing. I can tell if someone is transphobic the moment I meet them that way and act accordingly. Why would I want to give that power away?
I'm sorry you feel this guy is your friend, but you could really use a better one. Really, cutting transphobic people out of your life is hard, but people that don't like the real you are not your friends.
I can still do guy mode if I feel like it, but I feel like it less and less lately.
Quote from: VeronicaLynn on September 02, 2017, 10:30:07 PM
I don't feel I'll ever pass either.
My story is somewhat similar to yours in that I sort of forgot I was trans when I was a teenager, and remembered when I was around your age. I similarly decided to stay in the closet, though it turned out not to be forever.
What changed is I've come to see not passing as actually a good thing. I can tell if someone is transphobic the moment I meet them that way and act accordingly. Why would I want to give that power away?
I'm sorry you feel this guy is your friend, but you could really use a better one. Really, cutting transphobic people out of your life is hard, but people that don't like the real you are not your friends.
I can still do guy mode if I feel like it, but I feel like it less and less lately.
It's really a terrible feeling isn't it? It feels like an endless abyss of hopelessness, depression and pent up rage.
Why do you not want to do guy mode as much.
Quote from: Janes Groove on September 02, 2017, 08:34:07 PM
If you don't pass AND don't think you WILL ever pass (which is such a very subjective thing anyway IMO), then the way I see it is you have one of two choices. Either stay in the closet the rest of your life and acccept the domininant culture's transphobic view of the way transgender women are "supposed" to look and buy into the notion that there is something "wrong" with you, or 2. change the way you think about it and operate from a more self-affirming perspective.
And judging from the undercurrents and reading between the lines of your post, I get the impression that the 1st option is not something you are at all enthused about.
I'm too much of a coward to do number 2. I'm beyond help anyway. I think I'm going insane because I can't take it anymore.
Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 03, 2017, 12:42:07 AM
It's really a terrible feeling isn't it? It feels like an endless abyss of hopelessness, depression and pent up rage.
Why do you not want to do guy mode as much.
Did that for decades, it didn't make things better.
I'd rather focus on the handful of those that do accept me and are deserving of my friendship. They are wonderful people that I actually want in my life. No matter what you do in life, there will be some that don't like you. No one on this planet is universally liked. Is playing for a larger percentage worth it, or would you rather find the small group of people that might like the real you?
Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 02, 2017, 06:26:41 PM
I just don't know how to cope with being non passing. I can't go out as a non passing transgender.
In "Guy mode" I am about as opposite of a woman as one can get. 6ft tall, deeper then average guy's voice. giant frog hands, even bigger feet, at one time almost 2 of me wide, and balding since like 14. I know a lot about that not-passing "Some guy in a dress" cloud. Especially during my early life and two utter fail transition experiments.
It took me another 30 years to reach the point, absolute bottom, of my life to realize how much NOT doing something about being trans was ruining it. Elizabeth was absolutely right on about "Self Acceptance". Turning all that negativity around that ran your entire life is no easy task. That is why I always stress all the hard work I did to heal myself "from the inside". No way, no how, could I be the person I am today, the sort of person I am mostly glad to be, without putting in all that hard work.
Another way of looking at self acceptance is the old adage; "90% of passing is attitude". Not that "F the world" sort of attitude but living and being the sheer joy of moving about in the real world as the real you. That positive, healthy energy, the positive feelings about simply being the true and authentic 'You' can overcome a lot.
Take it from me, a life long former target of derision
The effects of testosterone are cumulative, so even though you may look unpassable, you still have a much better starting point than someone who is beginning transition later in life.
I firmly believe that anyone can become passable given enough time on HRT, weight loss, and surgery. You are young so you have a lot of time ahead of you to save money for surgeries. You are also intelligent, which I personally believe is the most important character trait for a successful transition. Use your rational mind to get a good education, work hard, manage money wisely, and plan diligently.
Start planning your life now for a future transition. You can do it but you must stay focused. Emotional rants may feel good, but don't dwell on them because for practical purposes they will get you nowhere. Being successful, making money, having discipline to lose weight, and being able to finance a transition with surgeries will get you to where you need to be.
Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 03, 2017, 12:43:02 AM
I'm too much of a coward to do number 2. I'm beyond help anyway. I think I'm going insane because I can't take it anymore.
While I never contemplated suicide (my mother tried to commit suicide during my parents' divorce, and the impact that had left me quite hostile to the notion), I "chose" to become a shut-in for a decade because of these fears. I felt the same way you do, that I was a coward. I was ravaged by anxiety (hereditary and due to trans issue alike), retreating into video games and trying desperately to avoid deeper thoughts. It's true, there's rarely an easy path out. For me it took another traumatic experience in taking care of my mother before she passed away due to cancer to shake me awake (not directly to the trans issue, but to other things that set me on the path to it).
Why do I bring this up? Well, I surprised myself. I'm still scared out of my mind on the best of days, but I'm winning out over that fear/my "cowardice" one day at a time. The idea of transitioning without being able to pass eats at me constantly. But no matter how bad it may seem, I now feel hope is not lost. It took a horrible experience for me to find the strength to deal with my issues. And if someone like me can find hope, so can you, because I was a lost cause if there ever was one. It might take something huge in your life to push you to that point (hopefully not as bad as mine was :x), you might find your courage through therapy and support as others have spoken of, or you might just wake up one day and a switch will go off in your brain. The important thing to remember is that things can get better, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Virtually everyone here is living proof of that.
And the worries about the friend issue? I get it, I have zero friends. Literally, none that aren't related to me somehow. It sucks. Even online friends I haven't spoken to in a few years now. Even my best friends in the past just sort of drifted away. And frankly, the friend you are trying to hold onto so bad will probably go his own way at some point regardless of this. Jobs, girl/boyfriends, children, moving, or just finding divergent interests happen constantly. That's just life, don't sacrifice your future for what seems to be a somewhat questionable friend now. I know this sounds depressing, but this isn't even a trans issue, it's just a life issue. But even then, it's not hopeless. My mother had two best friends when she was in her teens and college. Life got in the way, and they fell out of touch. But yet 45 years later, they reconnected and picked up right where they left off. That's how true friendship tends to work. With any luck we both will find true friends that value us for ourselves, that we don't cling to out of fear of being alone. And even then if life gets in the way, it doesn't have to get in the way forever.
Quote from: echo7 on September 03, 2017, 08:22:31 AM
The effects of testosterone are cumulative, so even though you may look unpassable, you still have a much better starting point than someone who is beginning transition later in life.
I firmly believe that anyone can become passable given enough time on HRT, weight loss, and surgery. You are young so you have a lot of time ahead of you to save money for surgeries. You are also intelligent, which I personally believe is the most important character trait for a successful transition. Use your rational mind to get a good education, work hard, manage money wisely, and plan diligently.
Start planning your life now for a future transition. You can do it but you must stay focused. Emotional rants may feel good, but don't dwell on them because for practical purposes they will get you nowhere. Being successful, making money, having discipline to lose weight, and being able to finance a transition with surgeries will get you to where you need to be.
Being passable isn't a possibility for me. It's not possible to fix height, hands, feet, shoulders, chest and skeletal structure with surgery. I can't bare it. I can't look like a man in a dress in the real world. I have priorities and I'm not okay with looking like a fool.
Quote from: Roll on September 03, 2017, 01:20:21 PM
While I never contemplated suicide (my mother tried to commit suicide during my parents' divorce, and the impact that had left me quite hostile to the notion), I "chose" to become a shut-in for a decade because of these fears. I felt the same way you do, that I was a coward. I was ravaged by anxiety (hereditary and due to trans issue alike), retreating into video games and trying desperately to avoid deeper thoughts. It's true, there's rarely an easy path out. For me it took another traumatic experience in taking care of my mother before she passed away due to cancer to shake me awake (not directly to the trans issue, but to other things that set me on the path to it).
Why do I bring this up? Well, I surprised myself. I'm still scared out of my mind on the best of days, but I'm winning out over that fear/my "cowardice" one day at a time. The idea of transitioning without being able to pass eats at me constantly. But no matter how bad it may seem, I now feel hope is not lost. It took a horrible experience for me to find the strength to deal with my issues. And if someone like me can find hope, so can you, because I was a lost cause if there ever was one. It might take something huge in your life to push you to that point (hopefully not as bad as mine was :x), you might find your courage through therapy and support as others have spoken of, or you might just wake up one day and a switch will go off in your brain. The important thing to remember is that things can get better, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Virtually everyone here is living proof of that.
And the worries about the friend issue? I get it, I have zero friends. Literally, none that aren't related to me somehow. It sucks. Even online friends I haven't spoken to in a few years now. Even my best friends in the past just sort of drifted away. And frankly, the friend you are trying to hold onto so bad will probably go his own way at some point regardless of this. Jobs, girl/boyfriends, children, moving, or just finding divergent interests happen constantly. That's just life, don't sacrifice your future for what seems to be a somewhat questionable friend now. I know this sounds depressing, but this isn't even a trans issue, it's just a life issue. But even then, it's not hopeless. My mother had two best friends when she was in her teens and college. Life got in the way, and they fell out of touch. But yet 45 years later, they reconnected and picked up right where they left off. That's how true friendship tends to work. With any luck we both will find true friends that value us for ourselves, that we don't cling to out of fear of being alone. And even then if life gets in the way, it doesn't have to get in the way forever.
I'm sorry to hear about all of that happened to you. I can't go outside as a non passing transgender. I don't have any hope. It's just too shameful which is why I'm looking into coping mechanisms or conversion therapy right now. The only thing that I do that helps with my dysphoria slightly is taking HRT, which hasn't done anything right now. I'm desperate, but I'm willing to try anything that will make me a normal cis-man now.
Well, I've made the first step towards closeting myself away. I made a post on Facebook saying how I want to identify as female and in the privacy of my own home when I move out and finish college as well as online but in real life I'll stay in the closet for the rest of my life, living as a man due to "personal reasons".
Back in the day PE was manditory in a communal shower area overlooked by the wiennie watcher With my rather small, less than two inch penis and my other ball hadn't started dangling yet. of course the guy with a religious objection got to dress in a closet, I was forced to march past Mr. Tuminia who as it turns out, as I was doing my Ancestery review, was related to me on my Grandmothers side.. I can atest that by coming out most of the stress goes away. The people who accepted me were my friends and family and those that did not weren't such good friends anyway Please reconsider as being true to oneself is far greater than keeping a secret. At least that is my experience but I am way older and suffered a lot longer.
Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 03, 2017, 02:13:03 PM
Being passable isn't a possibility for me. It's not possible to fix height, hands, feet, shoulders, chest and skeletal structure with surgery. I can't bare it. I can't look like a man in a dress in the real world. I have priorities and I'm not okay with looking like a fool.
The most difficult thing in life is living up to somebody else's standard. Think working in a job you can't stand because your parents wanted you to enter that profession. Marrying a girl because your family though she was a good girl but you can't stand her. Going on a vacation to a place you can't stand because it's the in thing to do. Eating a food that taste terrible but everybody else raves about it. True freedom is making your own decisions based on your own values. What does it matter if you don't pass when you are happy for the first time in your life. I was luck and I was willing to risk it all at age 23 for a chance at happiness. In my case, the resources just weren't available until then but at no point in my life have I ever regretted that decision and thought I would have been better off remaining in the male role.
I was there just a couple weeks ago. And for whatever reason, i accepted i have a crap ton of internalized transphobia. And like you, i feared greatly looking like one of those weirdos. the only option i can see or saw was having to accept that i am a transwoman. and i will not look like a cis woman. and that needs to be ok. it's very difficult and takes enormous courage, but ending your life isnt a viable answer.
and besides, as people have already mentioned, cis women come in varying shapes and sizes. i was in the grocery store a couple days ago and saw a broad framed, 5'10" woman with short hair. possibly trans, and no one was giving her a second look.
being trans is a tough existence. accepting who and what you are can make it just a bit easier.
I 'hope' evenually I'll be passable. I also have large hands and feet, especially for my height. If I don't I'll still be me. I'm sure I'll get looks but that's okay. I got looks anyway since never fit in with cis males mainly from behavior. Maybe stick it out with hrt?
Quote from: Bari Jo on September 03, 2017, 03:41:42 PM
I 'hope' evenually I'll be passable. I also have large hands and feet, especially for my height. If I don't I'll still be me. I'm sure I'll get looks but that's okay. I got looks anyway since never fit in with cis males mainly from behavior. Maybe stick it out with hrt?
I will stick it out with HRT because it does help slightly. Additionally, I saw your message. If you're ever in Santa Cruz just message me if you remember me and let me know when you're coming by. I'm really shy and depressed IRL so I'm not exactly any "fun" to be around.
Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 03, 2017, 03:47:32 PM
I'm really shy and depressed IRL so I'm not exactly any "fun" to be around.
No worries, I'm shy too, despite my online persona. I do have a great fun friend there that will join. She BTW, will be the first I'm coming out to:)
Roxanne....
I respect whatever decision you feel you need to make about your life at the moment but.... I would remind you that " forever" is long time!!!.... Anyone here who has a few more years under their belt will tell you that the way they view their life, the passage of time, what is important to them and their place in both society and the world bears very little resemblance to how they thought about things at 21 years of age...
I would only ask that you remain open to the possibility that someday... You may reach a point when living the truth of who you are may become more important to you than what others may think about how you choose to live this life... In my younger days, things were a bit different and I don't know that I would have had the courage then to transition had I even seen it as a possibility, for fear of how I would be perceived...
Now I am older and I don't care what anyone thinks about my choices... If they see me as a woman...Great!!!!... If they see me as a Transwoman... Great!!!... If they see me as a surgically mutilated middle age guy in women's clothes... Less great ...but, nothing I can't deal with!!!
Embrace the fact that our lives, in the end, are what we make them to be... Live the life YOU want to live... Not the one you think others are more comfortable seeing you live...
Onward we go!!!
Ashley :)
I'll also add that from 19-25 gender and transition was on my mind a lot...constantly is probably accurate. But i didn't have the courage to face up to owning what i was. And had I done so, a wonderful relationship would have ended. But fast forward 25 years, and like most people my age with gender issues, the GD came back with a vengeance, and my life is exponentially more complicated now. Most people in our shoes say that the GD may subside, but never goes away, and in some cases comes back stronger. That's been my experience.
I wish you the best, I really do.
The closet does not provide me happiness, it provides people I care about happiness, it provides strangers that would rather I don't exist happiness, but it does not make me happy. It is a lonely place, where I look out at life and see everything else moving along, while I remain motionless. It is a prison, where I am free from the hardships of being transsexual yet still feel the desire.
Oh, now I am just being depressing. I do so, because I don't want you to go through this.. Stay away from the closet, it's a trap!
Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. I just don't see my life improving if I come out of the closet. It will only get worse if I do. I just know it is a fact. I'm sorry.