In the spirit of Moni's infrequent poster thread, i though i would throw this out there...
I'm mid 40's. I cd'd starting around 5. I got caught and got better at hiding it. I have clear memories of wanting to be a girl when i was 10 or 11. I remember reading Are You There God, it's me Margaret, and sooooo wishing I was Margaret, including wishing I could have period like her.
I also got REALLY good at surpressing mannerisms, speech, gestures, etc., that i thought would out me as a T whatever. I wanted to fit in as a boy.
Once i got out of high school I slowly moved towards fully presenting female in secret. I met my now wife and she helped with buying clothes and makeup, but a moment of truth happened along the way and she kinda freaked. being madly in love, i put everything in the mental closet except lingerie for sexy time for 25 years.
I caught glimpses and stories of people transitioning, and daydreamed of it, but quickly changed the mental subject- maybe because it scared me, but mostly because i was in denial. Lots of fantasies about being female bodied. When my mind would go there, i would freak and change the subject. And massive shame about it all. I snuck around the library in college trying to find books about transsexuals like Jorgensen. And paranoia someone would find out, I would be outed. I stayed really really busy. college, grad school, family, career, hobbies, project homes, etc.
About 2 years ago i said the hell with paranoia over my internet search history. One thing led to another and i found myself reading stories about trans people. And with a sick feeling in my stomach, I admitted to myself I was trans something. I told my wife, to whom i confided about cd'ing 25 years earlier. I fit about 80% of anne vitale's group 3.
Since then the big self reveal a couple years ago, the GD has started. I call it the ever present background noise. Trans is always on my mind. Always. Sometimes i get melancholy and feel like i need to transition immediately or i'm gonna lose my s. Other times i'm thinking about it and i'm kinda meh, like what the hell is wrong with me. Sometimes i wish i could go back two years and be a bedroom cd'er. Except i don't have any desire to be a bedroom cd'er. And having been to a couple tg events and read enough threads by cd'er, i know, i'm not a cd. though it would be easier.
What I think I really want is to live life as a woman. To interact with the world as a woman. To be in relationship with the people i care about as a woman. To spend all aspects of my life with my wife(nice rhyme!) as a woman. To go to Costco as a woman. To go to a party and naturally
associate with the women and not be the guy that's hanging out with the women. I could go on ad nauseum. I would gladly trade all male privilege for the opportunity to do so.
But the problem for me is twofold: I'm unable to convince myself that I have a woman's brain, but I'm wrong bodied. I'm definitely not wired like a stereotypical guy, but to say "I'm a woman", is a leap I can't make yet. I'd like to, but i swore off self deception.
2. I feel like a fraud. My gut tells me "honey, you're brain is about as trans as they come, short of a 5 year old male bodied boy that declares she's a girl". But intellectually i can't seem to get there. Maybe it's internalized transphobia- i worked through a bunch of that this summer. Maybe it's fear of transition- of taking steps that may or may not be reversible and life changing. My personality is fairly conservative- i'm a toe in the water person, not a jump off the diving board. Perhaps it's a fear of change and letting go of male. I was mediocre at it, but i tried really hard for a long time.
I don't know that there's a question...maybe just a reflection of where i'm at, and wondering who else has been at a similar point during their journey. I have come out to a few people, and i don't seem to be too hung up about that.
< Thread topic renamed at original poster's request >
Both of your problems sound exactly like mine. I haven't overcome them (been sooooo busy with work lately) and havent taken **any** steps toward any kind of transition.
Sorry, I know I'm not much help.
I can relate. I felt all those things. I have a little difficulty thinking of myself as a woman, even though I transitioned socially seven months ago, and I am now living full-time as a woman. I am just me, the same me I have always been. "Man" or "woman" are just boxes that other people put me in.
I know that I am not a man, even though I pretended to be one for years. I just answered an online survey yesterday, where I was happy to have the option to answer "trans-woman" for the gender demographic question. I, too, have hesitation about identifying myself as a woman, though gradually that hesitation is decreasing. Trans-woman is as close as I am comfortable with for now.
I could not afford to be a "toe in the water" person. At 63 years old, I have already lived at least 2/3 of my life. I need to make this transition happen as quickly as I can so I can enjoy the time I have remaining. So I guess I just powered through the doubts. Held my nose and jumped of the high platform.
So here I am, living as a woman. I enjoy not having to pretend to be a man. At a social function, I can hang out with the other women and ignore the men's end of the table. I have learned not to worry about my identity. What matters is how people treat me. So far, I am batting 1000 or getting treated well.
It is a tough spot that you find yourself in. You mentioned that you told your wife about your feelings but I did not notice you mentioning how supportive she is at this time. I, like Kathy, am older and have jumped into being the woman that I am. Intellectually I could argue whether I can actually be a woman but that is beside the point. I live every moment as a woman and I am taken as a woman so that sort of passes the test for me. I realize that transitioning has not "Fixed" all of life's issues, but at this point in life, I really prefer to address the remaining issues from the woman's side of the equation.....and I am oh so much happier doing it that way. Best of luck to you and your partner.
My wife is very supportive. We both believe she would be if I transitioned. It's really helped that i didn't drop the bombshell and then suddenly make changes. My GD isn't incapacitating, so I've been able to slowly explore, which has given her time to adjust. We agreed I'm not going to be out locally until our kids are older and hopefully better equipped to deal with peer pressure from
having a weird parent.
One of the things i'm worried about is my gut feeling that I'm TS, that I had those feelings off and on my whole life, and for the past couple years they've been demanding attention. And because I think i'm probably TS, i engage in confirmation bias when reading online, which would falsely reinforce the idea i'm TS and need to transition.
my thinking at this point is to start laser facial hair removal while most of it is still dark, and start working with a gender counselor who will guide me to the tough questions so i can figure out where i truly fit. Concurrently i plan to continue to attend the tg support group. i went to a big social event a couple weeks ago, and it was AMAZING to set nikki free for a few hours. then maybe in a year or so, depending on the outcome with the counselor, hrt.
@kathy- in my ideal world i would transition yesterday, but for a variety of reasons, i'm
not. i'm happy for you you are!!
Hi, from one Nikki to another. I know your pain. I am in my fifties with two "young" children. My wife is supportive, but does not want the kids to know. I feel a clock ticking inside me that keeps getting louder. I am finally meeting with a doctor in January to start hormone therapy. I am going to start on a "low dose" plan and see how that works for me psychologically. At this time, I want to minimize the physical as I can't change jobs. Being a teacher, transitioning in place is not a good idea.
I am ten years from retirement, but working to get a certification to become a therapist. Obviously, I will work with lgbtqia populations. If that becomes more lucrative than my current job, then I can change careers. My wife is very adamant about physical changes. She is just to the point that she will grudgingly let me shave my body, with the caveat that if she doesn't like it, I grow it back.
Anyway, welcome Nikki. I hope that you find yourself sooner than I did. I was able to suppress it for years. I know I am not a crossdreser. I have known in the back of my head for most of my life who I really am, but it wasn't until I had to reflect heavily during my grad studies that I truly realized it. I did the masculine things. Played sports, joined the military, got married (twice), had kids (twice again). All in an effort to block who I really was. That if I lived up to some imaginary measuring stick, then I would be okay. I was only fooling myself and now I have regrets that I should have started at your age. It doesn't go away, you can't suppress it forever and it comes back stronger later on. She may be temporarily silenced, but she will not be ignored. She will eventually hijack your brain at every moment that you are not actively using it. Then the anger, frustration, depression make you someone even your family doesn't want around. To the point where you are alienating even your most ardent supporters and hurting those around you so that you can feel better in your own pain.
Sorry....I was having a stream of consciousness moment. Please, take it for what you will and ymmv. Good luck however you decide to proceed. Get the beard done though....nothing like rarely needing to shave, lol.
Quote from: Another Nikki on October 17, 2017, 01:08:55 AM
2. I feel like a fraud. My gut tells me "honey, you're brain is about as trans as they come, short of a 5 year old male bodied boy that declares she's a girl". But intellectually i can't seem to get there. Maybe it's internalized transphobia- i worked through a bunch of that this summer. Maybe it's fear of transition- of taking steps that may or may not be reversible and life changing. My personality is fairly conservative- i'm a toe in the water person, not a jump off the diving board. Perhaps it's a fear of change and letting go of male. I was mediocre at it, but i tried really hard for a long time.
I don't know that there's a question...maybe just a reflection of where i'm at, and wondering who else has been at a similar point during their journey. I have come out to a few people, and i don't seem to be too hung up about that.
Honestly, I know that many of my personal issues with where to go and how to proceed are internalized transphobia. It helps that I have worked closely with two trans women in my current and former employment. Seeing them flourish, and be beautiful shining gifts to the world helps me know that it can be fine, if I choose any of these paths. I'm not at all conservative, and I am sometimes a little too extroverted and jump into things without giving due consideration, usually, but getting this right for my needs, at a pace that won't make me freak out and self-harm, or other destructive behavior, is important. I really tried to be male for a long time, as well. I wasn't good at it either, and part of me feels like I should have more to show for my efforts, maybe?
Anyway, sorry, sort of rambled there, but just wanted to let you know that I too have these thoughts of "why bother", or "is this really worth it?". I purposely didn't bother for a very long time, and that made me much more miserable, and destroyed more relationships than these current (and mostly temporary) feelings of doubt make me feel now. I hope you find that happy place for yourself in all of this.
I think there are two ways to decide when it's time to transition. The first way is the way I did it and I don't recommend it. They say an alcoholic won't quit until they hit bottom and that pretty much describes what happened to me. I delayed coming out until I was through school but one day it hit me all at once and I was luck to survive it.
The other smarter way to do it is to transition before that point. I can understand some delay before transitioning in order to get your affairs in order but hair removal and other tasks can be addressed while waiting. This should avoid the bottom and if needed, you can start the public part of the transition quickly.
The fact that you are on this site indicates you are past to point of pushing it into the background and the sooner you address it, the less discomfort you will experience.
Dena, I agree with you regarding being here.
I think I'm going to turn this thread into my progress journal, similar to what others have done. And with that....
Today I made an appointment for laser hair removal on my face and neck. Soonest they could get me in was end of November. Basically the first appointment is a consult, and if you agree to move forward, they zap you that day. I'm really looking forward to it; no apprehension at all.
this evening i went to walmart to buy some inexpensive* glasses for nikki. the mid 50's female optician asked me if i needed help. I politely told her i was looking for the moment. i started looking at the women's frames and she said "men's frames will fit better". I said "ok" and kept looking. She then decided to hover about 6 feet behind me watching me in her periphery, which annoyed the crap out of me, so i really took my time looking at the women's frames.
I found a pair i liked, semi cat eye with black and purple. i brought them up to her and she said "you want frames with purple in them?!? " in a disapproving tone. So I smiled at her and said "yes, is that okay?" She looked away with slightly raised eyebrows and clicked something on her computer.
we then went to the desk where she did the measurements and went over lens options. by then she mellowed out and tried to make small talk about my pupil distance being symmetric :p
I live in northern california. i was actually kinda surprised. i've never gotten any friction buying girl stuff before. maybe some silent ackwardness years ago, but nothing recently. i bought some shoes at payless a couple years ago and the 50 something guy who rang me up make a lighthearted joke about them being cute, even in my size.
Anyhoo, upward and onward.
*they ended up kinda expensive. i should have used one of the online places but i have a big head and didn't want to roll the dice and have them not fit. next time i think i'll go online. the other part of it though is i'm trying to push myself into discomfort. If i'm really thinking about transitioning, then i sure better be able to select and buy women's style glasses at the el walmarto.
Sorry that salesperson gave you grief [emoji853]. I had a very similar experience. It wasn't disapproval in my case; the person just pointed out that I had selected womens frames, I simply agreed that yes they were. And then picking them up the next day, another staff member commented on the 'bold' colour choice haha.
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
A lot has happened. Sorry this is gonna be long, but I'm a strong believer in paragraphs, so maybe that will help.
I usually take the week of Thanksgiving off. We go to the SF bay area to visit family, some of whom also travel to get there. I had been exchanging messages with an imaginary internet friend from another forum about going out amongst the muggles, and this seemed like the perfect time to make it happen. She started her slow journey about 10 years ago and had become THE wingwoman for getting a bunch of crossdressers and TS' out.
So I told family I was going out with a friend, my sister left a key to her place hidden under the mat(she lives alone), and I went to her place and got pretty. My friend picked me up and we went went out to a straight wine bar, then to a PACKED Italian restaurant. Nothing happened other than a few smirks from some ass sitting at the adjoining table. It was amazing, liberating and confirming. I had been out in public, but just passing through a lobby, or driving, or in a gayborhood.
After Thanksgiving dinner we were sitting around talking and drinking wine. My uncle and I are close in age and more like brothers. He said they were thinking of baptizing their son and they wanted me to be godfather. My face kinda twisted up and I said we should probably talk first. He got really worried and insisted we go for a walk. I started the conversation with "you're gonna think I'm f'ing with you, but I swear I'm not. I'm transgender. When I went out last night it was with a friend, but it was presenting as a woman, and I think there's likely to be some changes."
I've got to say, it went really well. He was supportive, as was his wife. They watched Transparent so they were familiar with the basics.
Of course for the following few weeks I was super angsty afterwards, but what a week!
Around the same timeframe, November/December, my emotions were all over and I was cycling through anxiety and depression, all related to GD. I was also trying to figure out where I fit and what my label was. So I started seeing a very well known gender therapist. It was a two hour drive each way, but it was worth it. She said what I was experiencing was gender dysphoria, and from her experience someone with my gender issue background is likely to have to make changes to get peace. she doesn't tell someone they need to transition, but i wonder if that's what she was thinking. she asked if i had thought about hormones, and i said i wasn't ready. I havent gone back to her since december because of the cost and drive, and I'm in a better spot right now. Plus I have Kaiser and they have their own therapist for a $15 co-pay.
In december the support group had their annual holiday party and my wife decided she wanted to go check it out. It's held in a banquet room of a decent sized hotel. I shaved and showered, got dressed, put a sweatshirt over my girl top since i'm not out to my kids, and she drove so I could do my makeup on the way. Then off we went inside.
The support group is awesome in a couple ways, but one of the things I really appreciate is there is no discrimination regarding where you are on the spectrum. If you're a CD that likes to dress sexy and don't consider yourself trans, you're welcome. and if you're transitioning and plan to go stealth, you're also welcome. Big tent, which is helping me get past my own transphobia.
Anyway, my wife did pretty well! She is a fairly reserved person, though open minded. But she hasn't really had any exposure to lgbt peeps other than an occasional gay or lesbian friend or co-worker. Well, and me. But she sure did that night!
I also met another person on a similar path and we agreed to get together later.
And so her feedback overall was it was a good experience for her. She felt like I was the same person, though the packaging was different. It also gave her a comfort level about me going to these events...there's nothing freaky going on.
In either January or February I went to a support group girls night out- drinks and dinner in the hotel restaurant, then out to the gayborhood for cocktails. totally uneventul. the uber drivers don't care and no one gives rip to see a group of trans women walking in the gayborhood.
.............................
Then in late Feb or March I was eating lunch with 3 women in the break room at work. I was friends with two of them, we've gone out as couples outside of work(they are in a relationship). And i got really dysphoric....I should have been just another one of the girls eating lunch, talking about topics that women talk about and in that different dynamic when it's women only. And this put me in a really deep funk. About halfway through the next day, after asking me a few times if I was ok, she asked me to meet up with her away from the office. And so I came out to her, and later that day her partner. And they were both amazing, and have become my closest friends ever. I'm actually tearing up as I write this.
And being out with them has allowed me to slowly be myself around them, and then with my wife and sister. My friend told me yesterday she and her partner can see me changing in front of them, that I'm letting go, and it's beautiful.
In december I bought a groupon for laser hair removal for my face. I had no reservations about losing the ability to grow a beard forever. I just want it gone. I'm 4 treatments in and starting to see the thinning. I'm going to purchase another 6 for my face, and have my legs done as well.
In March I decided Minoxidil wasn't haven't much effect on restarting hair growth at my temples. I'm a little freaked about losing my hair- I'm pretty active and would like to avoid wigs when I go full time if I can. So I emailed my doctor for an rx for propecia. it's cheap at costco btw. starting to see some regrowth.
I was in a funk again a couple weeks ago on vacation. I'm getting to the point where I'm sick of the emotional cycling and I'm sick of the background noise of gender all the time. I would like to read a book with out my mind wandering off after 2 minutes to gender, and I'd like to be able to go to Target without feeling like I should be one of the other women in store just going about their lives.
So I made an appointment with Kaiser. Their first step for trans related care with kaiser is to see a therapist. It felt weird but affirming in the intake appointment to chat away about whatever, but when asked if I had seen anyone previously to say "yes, a gender therapist" and "gender dysphoria" as a diagnosis.
I'm in the system now, I can't unring the bell. And I'm good with it.
I can really identify with your "background noise" description of constant gender dysphoria. I just started HRT a few days ago and already have experienced a noticeable reduction in the volume of the "background noise".
The improvement, even in just a few days on a low dosage, has made me reconsider just how fast and how far I need to go with transitioning. Feeling better due to better hormone balance has really taken the edge off of my gender dysphoria. It's still there, but the feelings are not as strong. My big triggers, like erections, still bother me but not as bad. And, fortunately, as the Spiro takes greater effect, that shouldn't be happening nearly as often (or hopefully not at all eventually).
I hope you're doing well and experiencing improvement. Was the appointment with Kaiser because things didn't work out back in January when you planned on starting low dose HRT? If you haven't started HRT yet, I really hope you have a great experience. Keep us posted. Lots of us on here like encouraging and helping our fellow transgender people. It's good to be connected as a community.
The appointment at Kaiser is to get into the system for trans related care. I'm going to need some electrolysis for white facial hairs. I'd like to try low dose estrogen for the reasons you listed above- if it reduced the dysphoria so I can manage living part time for a few more years, that would be ideal. I'm also going to need ffs at some point- looking in the mirror and seeing a guy bothers me.
My issues are around experiencing the world as a woman in my daily life and social interaction. I don't really have genital dysphoria, and my wife and are intimate. Not having breasts is an issue for sure.
Oh and I'm pretty much past the shame and hurdle. I'm transgender, a transwoman, and there's nothing wrong with that. I need the pm a mod to change the thread title.
< Changed thread title from "My Major Hurdle" to "Wandering down gender road" >
Quote from: Another Nikki on April 14, 2018, 03:07:25 PM
> I'm going to need some electrolysis for white facial hairs. I'd like to try low dose estrogen
My recommendation is: if you are able to, find a good electrologist and make an appointment right now. I found the pain from electrolysis tolerable but definitely increased after I started HRT, and jumped again when the endocrinologist increased my dosage. In hindsight I am glad I went full-tilt into electrolysis before starting estradiol.
By placing a high priority on hair removal I avoided having to let stubble grow for electrolysis after I went full-time. By that point I had already thrown away all my shavers - no longer needed.
Another Nikki,
Don't fret about age; it's only too late when they are throwing dirt in your face. I'll be 78 in four months. Officially started my transition 6 weeks ago.
The only looking back is wishing I had done this years ago instead of living a lie for most of my life. I'm in the fourth quarter of life; I plan to spend the remainder of this quarter as a woman and hoping to go into overtime.
Best Always,
Christine
Well I am 63 tomorrow and decided a bit over a year ago that it was now or never and I couldn't do never. Only cross dressed on the sly till then but it was not enough, now full time and no chance of passing but don't care as I am now ME the me I should have been years ago
Quote from: davina61 on April 14, 2018, 04:30:01 PM
Well I am 63 tomorrow and decided a bit over a year ago that it was now or never and I couldn't do never. Only cross dressed on the sly till then but it was not enough, now full time and no chance of passing but don't care as I am now ME the me I should have been years ago
Davina, 15 Apr 18
Well, Happy, Happy Birthday; hope you have a great one!
I lived a lie for 48 years, like you I cross dressed in private; when not CDing I always wore women's underwear. I first wanted to be a girl then a woman. Back then it was difficult to do. Now I'm a woman and there's no going back. I doubt I will ever be able to pass without surgery that would bankrupt the country. I'll do some but I'll never be able to wear a short dress, my legs are knock kneed and don't look feminine. Slacks and jeans are fine and if I don't pass, so what. It's our right to be happy and we have no obligation to live the way someone else thinks we should just because they don't approve.
I like being part of the TG community, a distinct minority. I don't want to be just another cog in the wheel of "conforming" souls, many of which are unhappy. We have a right to be who we want to be.
I'd also like to be a Bald Eagle. I have the bald part down pat, it's the wings that would be a problem.
Take care Davina. live your life the way that makes you happy,
Best always,
Christine
Christine, I'm curious, would you care to elaborate more on what you said here?
QuoteI first wanted to be a girl then a woman.
Quote from: blackcat on April 15, 2018, 06:03:41 PM
Christine, I'm curious, would you care to elaborate more on what you said here?
Blackcat, 15 Apr 18
Sure; when I was a young kid from about four or five I wanted to be a girl, when I reached adulthood I wanted to be a women; now I "are" one.
As for the Bald Eagle, it was a reference to the fact that I'm bald and a pilot.
Did I miss anything kittycat? If I did, please let me know. I have many years worth of history, about 10 different careers, made 77 orbits around the sun on a spaceship, so it might take a while to "splain" it all.
Best always kittycat,
Christine
PS:
If you had read some of my other posts you wouldn't have had to ask.
Hello Nikki
It is so wonderful to see you have made such progress over the 6 months.
I started late (aged 62) sought therapy and now 10 weeks on HRT.
I would advice not to worry about age and agree that Electrolysis would be wise in the near future and then perhaps voice training.
I wish you well on your journey.
Pamela
Hello Blackcat and Christine
Oh Yes. For those of us that knew as a child as I did also, indeed we wish to be girl till we are about 14 and of course we wish to be a woman.
This is (for those who knew early) proof that gender identity is a completely separate matter to sexuality.
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on April 16, 2018, 08:23:24 AM
Hello Nikki
It is so wonderful to see you have made such progress over the 6 months.
.
.
Pamela
Hello Blackcat and Christine
Oh Yes. For those of us that knew as a child as I did also, indeed we wish to be girl till we are about 14 and of course we wish to be a woman.
This is (for those who knew early) proof that gender identity is a completely separate matter to sexuality.
Pamela
Thank you Pamela, 16 Apr 2018
You validated my response.
I thought you where a young lady and now I know you are; I sure enjoy this family and site.
Best always
Christine
Thank you Christine You are so sweet. I know you are a wonderful young lady also.
Needless to say, I love this site.
Pamela
I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff.
I'm about 3/4 done with laser facial hair removal. No regrets and I really look forward to finishing up. I would love to have all my body hair removed by laser but I don't have the money.
I made an appointment and saw a Kaiser therapist. I was super nervous but spilled my guts when she asked me why I was there. We had a second appointment where I told her I wanted to start HRT, which brings me to the edge of the cliff.
I met with the doctor who will prescribe and manage the 'mones. All went well and the labs are done. In the next week or two we should have a phone appointment, then she will put the script in.
So I feel like the depression has pretty much resolved as I keep making slow progress forward. Gender is still ALWAYS on my mind unless I'm concentrating on something that requires immediate presence of mind. It sucks. I can't imagine having gender obsessions for the rest of my life.
But then I think I must be crazy for considering upheaving my body chemistry and my physiology. My labs looked really good. I'm in pretty good shape, with a minimum of family health issues. Objectively my life is going well in most areas...family, career, friends.
And yet I'm still driven to potentially blow it all up by taking that step off the cliff....
Hi Nikki,
I hope you are able to find a paper bag to breath into to get that breathing back to normal. You are going to be fine. Everything you write indicates that the hormones are what you seek and need. I think when we think about taking a step, even if it is right for us, our brains kick into panic mode and cause us to question. I think it is a survival thing. Actually, if you start and think it isn't right for you, you can back away. I kind of doubt that will happen, but you have the option.
As for having gender obsessions the rest of your life, I think the hormones will help with this. It did for me for quite a while. My body dysphoria overrode this after six months. If you don't have much body dysphoria as you said, you should be in good shape. I personally have reached a point in my life where, finally, gender doesn't rule everything. So, I got ta think it is possible for you too. I hope so. Oh, and don't stop telling us what is going on, one occasional poster to another. lol
Moni
Quote from: Another Nikki on September 16, 2018, 10:54:42 AMGender is still ALWAYS on my mind unless I'm concentrating on something that requires immediate presence of mind. It sucks. I can't imagine having gender obsessions for the rest of my life.
Nikki, what you describe is like being in a burning airplane. If you are in a burning airplane, the smart thing to do is to check your parachute and then take that long step out the door.
Relax, you will be fine. Far from messing with your body chemistry, you will be fixing it. Many of us have been exactly where you are right now. Chances are that HRT will be the best thing that ever happened to you. If not, you can always stop taking them.
I am rapidly forgetting what it was like to obsess about gender all the time. Now, I just love being myself, and that doesn't get old.
Come on in; the water is fine!
Quote from: pamelatransuk on April 16, 2018, 08:23:24 AM
Hello Nikki
It is so wonderful to see you have made such progress over the 6 months.
I started late (aged 62) sought therapy and now 10 weeks on HRT.
I would advice not to worry about age and agree that Electrolysis would be wise in the near future and then perhaps voice training.
I wish you well on your journey.
Pamela
Hello Blackcat and Christine
Oh Yes. For those of us that knew as a child as I did also, indeed we wish to be girl till we are about 14 and of course we wish to be a woman.
This is (for those who knew early) proof that gender identity is a completely separate matter to sexuality.
Pamela
I knew what I needed to do when I was 13. That was 30 years ago. A year into transition all I can say is.. I should have listened to me! But thats ok because I still have the other half of my life to make up for it. Yes... gender identity has nothing to do with sexual preference. Transitioning made zero difference to the fact that I'm bi... :)
Quote from: krobinson103 on September 16, 2018, 11:03:49 PM
I knew what I needed to do when I was 13. That was 30 years ago. A year into transition all I can say is.. I should have listened to me! But thats ok because I still have the other half of my life to make up for it. Yes... gender identity has nothing to do with sexual preference. Transitioning made zero difference to the fact that I'm bi... :)
For some this is true about sexual preference. I can say that this is not true for all.
a minor hiccup. my cholesterol was a little high(genetic, my weight, diet and exercise are fine), so i have to go on statins to bring it down before my doc will write the script. What's funny is when I was a day away from hrt i was totally stessy about committing, and now there's a delay I'm bummed I have to wait a month for the statins to work. Siiiiggghhhhh.
wow I really relate to the original post. Thank you Nikki for posting that when you did and the updates since. I am still working it out in my head. Trying to get to grips with just being more open about my feelings. But it is very useful reading your own experience and I would like to sincerely thank you for that.
AND... thank you for putting me onto
The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review
By Anne Vitale Ph.D.
That too was very useful to read. Yes, I can definitely identify with Group 3. But I found it frightening that the only cure to the anxiety seems to be acceptance and transition. The 50 year old example given is very close to what happened to me over the weekend.
I think, whether she likes it or not, I am going to have to have a conversation with my wife soon, not about transitioning but about being more open. I might wait until after I speak with the therapist first.
I was thinking about the beard after reading AV's article... my wife was the person who encouraged me to grow a beard... and I think that was because she thought it would stop me CDing... but after reading the article, I think perhaps I use it as a mask. I accept having a beard because it helps me hide who I am better. It is something more to think about.
Sorry, I keep talking too much about me... this is your thread and I feel really privileged to read it and draw help from it. Thank you once more.
Quote from: Another Nikki on September 19, 2018, 10:55:43 PM
a minor hiccup. my cholesterol was a little high(genetic, my weight, diet and exercise are fine), so i have to go on statins to bring it down before my doc will write the script. What's funny is when I was a day away from hrt i was totally stessy about committing, and now there's a delay I'm bummed I have to wait a month for the statins to work. Siiiiggghhhhh.
Guess that tells ya something!
Nym, Im glad it helped. I don't mind peeps posting up their own issues in this thread. I did the same and combined with meeting a wide variety of trans people in real life as well as spending hours reading meatier articles and forums I was able to figure out roughly where I was on the trans spectrum.
For me, it was a mix of disparity and fear when I read and then accepted the GD wasn't going to away. Dr. Vitale wrote she considers it to be Gender Expression Anxiety Disorder, which I think is mostly accurate. Can you find a solution that works for you short of full time? There are plenty of people that find relief finding a support/social group where they can get out en femme regularly, go to weeklong events once a year and maybe crossdress sometimes at home.
Dr. Vitale and i'm assuming other therapists would help you work through your needs to find a solution that works while minimizing the impact to the rest of your life and stakeholders.
After accepting I was trans, I spent a couple years doing the above, but concluded after about a year I really need to go through life experiencing the world as a woman. I deeply wish a part time solution would have worked, it would be a lot easier.
good luck.
Thank you Nikki. Your thread inspired me to take the first step today and talk with my wife again about this side of me. We made a number of compromises and I think I can live with those. But I am going to start trying to be a lot more open from now on and honest with myself. That alone is a huge step for me.
Quote from: Another Nikki on September 19, 2018, 10:55:43 PM
a minor hiccup. my cholesterol was a little high(genetic, my weight, diet and exercise are fine), so i have to go on statins to bring it down before my doc will write the script. What's funny is when I was a day away from hrt i was totally stessy about committing, and now there's a delay I'm bummed I have to wait a month for the statins to work. Siiiiggghhhhh.
Annnnd today I began hrt. Rubbing alcohol on a cotton pad to clean the skin and stuck the patch on. Tomorrow I'll start Spiro with breakfast. It's been 2.5 years since I came out of denial about being trans and began thinking about hrt as an option. I think that's a long enough reflection period :)
Hello again Nikki
I have been following your story since inception (I was just reading until I joined as a Member in January).
Many of us myself included obsess about gender; it is after all one of the customary aspects of being trans - we constantly think of the misalignment of body to mind.
So sorry you had the months delay due to the necessity of statins.
However congratulations on starting HRT - its a wonderful feeling as you apply the first patch and take the first tablet, isn't it? You'll remember both events forever!
I wish you every happiness on your journey
Hugs
Pamela
Nikki, congratulations on starting HRT! That is fantastic! Be sure to let us know how it goes.
Today I noticed I wasn't thinking about gender much. Since April of 2016, gender has occupied my thoughts unless some pressing problem or important task needed my attention. It was really nice to have my brain back. If it continues, I might be able to read books again. I used to be a voracious reader.
Quote from: Megan. on October 20, 2017, 02:20:16 AM
Sorry that salesperson gave you grief [emoji853]. I had a very similar experience. It wasn't disapproval in my case; the person just pointed out that I had selected womens frames, I simply agreed that yes they were. And then picking them up the next day, another staff member commented on the 'bold' colour choice haha.
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
I find either sales staff silently dissaprove or say something really positive to make you feel at ease. Usually the younger, the nicer
So, 4 weeks in on hrt and no physical effects other than dryer skin.
I did notice around day ten I was wandering around walmart shopping, and i wasn't thinking about gender, or transition or envying some of the women in the store. that was nice. so i would say that generally speaking hrt has taken the edge off the dysphoria, which has been very welcome. The angst and urgency regarding transition is reduced.
9 weeks in on hrt. Around week 5 or 6 my boobs starting aching and became sensitive to inadvertent impacts. i carried a ream of paper inside and bumped into the doorframe, which forced the corner of the paper into a boob. Yikes!!!
I had a few episodes of anxiety...thinking "really? are you really doing this? you're really going to stay on this meds for the rest of your life, increase your risk of heart disease, dvt and whatever else? you're going to ruin a pretty decent 47 year old body for this? if you get to the point where you can't hide it, are you going to live openly as a transgender person?"
unfortunately my therapist had to cancel our december appointment so i just had to work my way through it. i recalled the stories on here from other transwomen (thanks kathy lauren!) about having the doubts early on, staying the course and having the doubts largely resolve. that's happened. i look in the mirror, see my body changing, and that makes me happy.
The emotional changes are happening. I cry and laugh easier and more frequently, and i also rebound from crying faster...it doesn't linger. Libido is way down and similar to some people's experiences, i don't really miss it. Getting mad is a different experience. I don't have intensity of anger that i did previously.
i'm also starting to believe the way i think is changing. it's difficult to describe...but it feels like the way my brain works is a little different. I'm also starting to believe or accept that my gender was never really male...i performed that role pretty well, but as i peel back the onion i'm starting to see my past more clearly. i suppressed quite a bit.
I was having some GI issues that i was able to isolate to spiro. i stopped taking it for a few days and the issues resolved. i had been lackadaisical about taking it with food. I also think my body is pretty sensitive to it, and my GI system is sensitive in general. My T went to almost zero on a on initial dose. My doc and i discussed halving my dose previously to get my T up a bit since I'm not planning on socially transitioning for a while.
So I did, and was diligent about taking them with a meal, and so far i seem to tolerate it. today i took the full dose again to see what happens.
@Another NikkiDear Nikki:This is certainly an exciting report at your beginning stages of HRT... it is completely normal what you are feeling and seeing in your nipples and breasts... in my own experience in just 3 or 4 weeks I had much soreness, lumps (breast buds) forming under the nipples and in my case my nipples were very erect and sensitive most of the time.... then at 2 or 3 months into HRT most transitioners will start seeing things happening more significantly and at a quicker rate including possibly changes in body hair growth, your own body and urine smell, changes in erections becoming less intense, libido, etc.
All of this is completely determined by your own unique body. What you read about other transitioning members experiences with HRT most likely will not be identical to your own experiences.
The adage that you have probably already heard regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals is "YMMV" meaning that Your Mileage May Vary.
Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly.... it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT.
You will probably not see dramatic changes on a daily or weekly basis. I found that by taking my photo once a month that when compared with previous monthly photos, the changes were noticeable and very motivating to me.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
Wishing you well, and I will be eagerly following your transition progress as you feel free to post and to share.
Hugs, and well wishes.
Danielle
In November my labs came back with E and T in normal, pre-menopause, mid-cycle female range, on typical initial dosing of E and Spiro. I was a little angsty about it because i had convinced myself i would get less physical effects on the low dose, get confirmation ala Anne Vitale's theory of trans confirmation via hrt, and get relief from GD.
The GD was greatly reduced. I feel good on estrogen and reduced T. I never want to stop. So i guess if her hypothesis is true, tag, i'm it.
I actually got a little angsty when i stopped the spiro. I don't know if it was the idea of having my t go back up, or if it actually did spike and that drove it.
In a related aside, I have weirdly conflicting feelings about my body. I'm short, but have a muscular build. Wide shoulders, bigger arms and chest. I lifted weights off and on for years and trained BJJ intermittently as well. Big muscular legs. On the one hand I really want to strip away the upper body mass. Looking in the mirror shirtless drives GD about my build. I have a classic V upper body. I could also lose 15 lbs of fat around my stomach.
But I don't want to give up the strength. I know, male priviledge. So, I'm trying to optimize. I'm going to let my T stay on the low end with the spiro, but I switched gyms to a crossfit gym. I like the mix of intense cardio, functional strength training and olympic lifting. There are strong women in my classes that are inspirational. I'll also up my running and cycling as well.
Thanks Danielle. The buds have been there for a few weeks now. I had moobs my entire life, so those plus the buds + muscular pecs have given some semblance of actual boobs. If my chest wasn't so wide, i would guess a solid A cup.
What I really need to do is figure out a way to just live in the moment. I get way too wrapped up in worrying about the what if's, or fantasizing about living full time in a few years, or sad
that i didn't deal with being trans when i was 20 and the wasted years that weren't really wasted at all. Today is really a great day, and I need to be present in it and just flow.
Hello again Nikki
It is wonderful to read your story after 9 weeks HRT.
Clearly you are experiencing positive mental changes in terms of your thinking, your resolved doubts, your less anger and being more able to laugh and to cry. These things happened to me also fortunately.
It is nice to see you are feeling breast buds and that you already have some semblance of boobs.
We are permitted to post our E&T Blood Test Results and I assume you will have a BT after 3 months meaning late January. Please feel free to post your readings on this thread but only if you wish of course.
It is uplifting to witness such wonderful news so early on your HRT journey.
Hugs
Pamela