A bit more serious question...
Reading your answers to my threads I've noticed glimpses of people hinting at being lonely or living in isolation.
So...
Have you ever socially isolated yourself?
In what ways? When? For how long? Etc. Be as general or share as little (or as much) as you like! How was it? Have you survived it? Do you now have friends & a great social life? Are you still living it? (Hope not.)
Is there something you learned from it? Or something you'd like to tell your then-self?
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For me... As my newly updated signature implies... Yes, I live in pretty much complete social isolation. [you can remove that 'pretty much'] It's not just bcos I'm trans... My living situation isn't that great either etc. For a lot of reasons, yeah. But the main one being that I'm trans & do not feel like socializing as long as I look like this. I have bad social dysphoria & basically can't cope with not being seen as a guy. (Or more like can't cope with being seen as a w*man by society.) I'm social by character - but in practice very unsocial due to my circumstances... It sucks, pretty bad. This has been going on for so long I don't even dare to mention the time frame on this forum. But... for LONG. Sidenote: I do have a spouse. So it's not like I don't see any people. It's just... I don't see any outside people. I've also been in a pretty dark place for a long time... Now it's almost like a mystery to me how I even got here in the first place. But - you can't change the past, so - I'm trying to change the present. And I never lost hope. And never will. But it's starting to dawn on me that maybe I should've tried to do more to better my life & try to transition earlier. But then again - I have my circumstances & reasons why I haven't been able to do that, so it's useless to go that 'what if' route.
Edit: I'd like to add:
Is there something you learned from it?
Yes ;D! My life experiences have made me internally so strong that I think I can cope with anything from now on. I have basically nothing to lose. And I've grown a lot as a person.
One of my favorite quotes, by J.K. Rowling:
Rock bottom is the solid foundation I built my life on.
Yes, still do. I used to be able to keep the facade up and do things socially for a long time. Now I'm good for an hour or two, that's it. I am not out socially, which is part of the problem. In time I will be and hope this all changes.
Bari Jo
Yes I have in the past and still am but slowly coming around, for instance when it came to party's christmas birthday's what ever I hated going there because it ends up the guys group together and talk about guy stuff and the girls group together and talk about girl stuff, and I was always awkward being with the guys I hated it i did not have very much to talk about that was in common with the I had more in common with the girls. So I stopped going to events I made excuses that I could not go I would make sure I wound work that day or something around the house broke and needed to be fix (Furnace, water heater). So I felt better being lonely than I did with the guys.
Yeas, but there's various reasons.
I'm not a people person. They are tiring and I need more recharge time from them than I need interaction time with them.
I also notice the bystander effect - the more people in a given situation, the less individual responsibility and strength most people feel they have in that situation. This is a tangible effect - so I tend to go about my day dealing with things by myself because that is the position in which I feel maximum power and agency. Nobody else watching over my actions or decisions. Nobody else to consider, nobody else to feel responsible for. Which is why other people often talk about feeling nervous in job interviews, or scared walking alone walking around at night, etc. while I'm the opposite, those conditions are my optimum environment and my playground. I have more fear of a crowd than I will ever have when it's just me. I am the sort of person who would go on a holiday or trip by myself and find it more relaxing than if I had a family in tow (which would probably be the opposite).
Socially I think the disconnect between what people see when they have dealt with me in the past and what's inside revealed through interaction with me was evident to other people and they found it strange. Some found it attractive, most found it mildly offputting at best. Some trans people compensate by trying to conform harder to their birth gender norms and expectations but that was never something I chose to do, so in a sense another form of self-isolation. I refused to go out of my way to make other people comfortable with me enough to seek me out for interaction. I was civil and polite, and that was the most they were going to get and I wasn't going to put myself out for them.
Social interaction is something I do when I have to because there's no choice, or to get information, and regularly I get some to make sure I'm not going crazy - a mental health measure, as all people need at least some. If you've spent any number of months or years living completely alone with little human interaction, you'll know what I'm talking about. Being alone is my default mental state but I recognize there needs to be interaction occasionally.
I get some every day of course because I live with someone, and I tend to have to interact with people online daily. The greater need though is for personal space and time to think and digest things by myself.
I am a very strong introvert. Up to three people, I can handle, but beyond that, I tend to shut down. In larger groups, I survive by isolating one or two people from the crowd and boring talking to them to the exclusion of others. Like Bari Jo, after an hour, I am itching to get out of there.
I lived alone for many years. I eventually joined some organizations specifically to force myself into social settings. It worked, spectacularly well: I met my wife in one of those groups. Now, most of my real-life friends are her friends.
I didn't consciously isolate myself. It just worked out that way. However, I don't think it is unrelated to being trans. Not fitting in in male society and not being allowed into female society probably combined with a basic shyness to isolate me.
Viktor, I connected with much of what you said!
I've always been very easygoing & can get along with various kinds of people just fine. But I've always been my best with small groups - not in large crowds.
Quote from: Viktor on December 13, 2017, 11:09:01 AM
I have more fear of a crowd than I will ever have when it's just me. I am the sort of person who would go on a holiday or trip by myself and find it more relaxing than if I had a family in tow (which would probably be the opposite).
Omg I'm exactly the opposite ;D! I feel the comfiest around large crowds of people - like walking on streets or on a holiday or big events etc. Don't like to be alone or by myself at all. When I'm with my spouse I feel like I can talk to anybody but by myself I tend to be unsocial... :D
Quote from: Viktor on December 13, 2017, 11:09:01 AM
Socially I think the disconnect between what people see when they have dealt with me in the past and what's inside revealed through interaction with me was evident to other people and they found it strange.
This I can relate to as well. I'm pretty sure people see me as a female, some sort. But the way I talk, walk, interact, think & look does not align with that! So I just feel like a weirdo... But I am NOT going to pretend anything I'm not. So I feel like I can't really connect with people...
Quote from: Viktor on December 13, 2017, 11:09:01 AM
Social interaction is something I do when I have to because there's no choice, or to get information, and regularly I get some to make sure I'm not going crazy - a mental health measure, as all people need at least some. If you've spent any number of months or years living completely alone with little human interaction, you'll know what I'm talking about. Being alone is my default mental state but I recognize there needs to be interaction occasionally.
Same! I mean... I do go crazy without any social interaction whatsoever. I feel I have to get out of this house to at least buy groceries so I can at least
see other people.
Quote from: Viktor on December 13, 2017, 11:09:01 AM
I get some every day of course because I live with someone, and I tend to have to interact with people online daily. The greater need though is for personal space and time to think and digest things by myself.
Same! Interacting with people online gives some social interaction without the need to actually be around the other person & like them. I'm a bunch of weird contradictions... I'm very social & severely need company (I couldn't survive without my SO) - but I also don't like many people... I definitely need my space & love to work alone. And now that I've gotten used to this state of 'not seeing anybody' - I don't know how much 'time' I'd be willing to dedicate to seeing people :D!
But then again... I crave for social interactions with other people, for sure! This feels like an imprisonment for me. Maybe I've had too many toxic people in my life to understand not all the people are like that. (It might be also bcos I can't stand the fact that people don't respect my gender identity - and to me that automatically screams 'toxic contact')
I like everyone on this forum, at least ;)!
Only for 60 years. I used to think I was just introverted. But, over the last year I have discovered the real reason and how subconsciously it has always affected my life. Including my inability to ensure my marriage vows were kept. This was the greatest failure of my life. It proves we truly have no control. Fortunately I have been with a women for 35 years that did not care unless I brought it up. So I cross dressed at every opportunity Since I have brought it up, she got a little upset. Mostly because I brought up to the kids. But the kids are Adults and handled the situation quite well.
Quote from: DawnOday on December 13, 2017, 11:47:07 AM
Only for 60 years.
For 60 years :o??!? Now I feel much better with my *
For many years. As a kid I hated attention, I sat quiet in class, would never answer questions. I hated parties, did my best to avoid them. I did hobbies I could do alone like fishing & model making. I'm no longer much of a drinker, I had problems with it & have not much tolerance to alcohol. I dislike pubs & nightclubs. I sometimes ride with a facebook group who have the same bike as me about once or twice a month, my anual party is the Rebellion Punk Festival. I'm at home with the outcasts, bikers & punks yet I feel I don't fit in anywhere. No partner though I've hooked up with a couple of guys & a girl for the first time in 14 years.
IRL I isolate. I live in my room which is part of a 3 bedroom apartment. My Mom and my sister lived in the rest of the apartment. Now it is only my sister. We do share the kitchen with me cooking my breakfasts and her mostly cooking our supper. Her and I do not converse much at all. I seldom leave my room to go out into the world except when I have to go to a store, do laundry for my sister and I, check the mail or when when permits and I feel like it I go for walks.
There are exception though where I've been know to actually visit people. At these times I think I become social with those people enjoying myself and their friendship. It usually involves driving anywhere from an hour and a half to 31 days. This is a great time for me as I love to drive and I enjoy the company of individual to very small groups. Put me in a crowded environment full of people and about all I want to do is escape unless I am enjoying the company of someone else. That lets me ignore the rest of the world.
Online i also tend to be more social once I feel I belong and I do belong here with all of you. It's almost as if I have different personalities depending on where I am and what I am doing.
Hugs,
Laurie
P.S. Mr PW That's at least four perhaps five.
A lot of my past keeps coming up when I see guys like thoughts of what used to be my "romantic" life. It's like I keep subjecting myself to the same scenario constantly with men- a cycle... I know looks shouldn't solely matter when meeting potential partners but I'm not comfortable right now in my life.
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I was pretty isolated when I was younger. There were a few people at school who weren't mean to me ( all girls) but I wouldn't say they were especially friendly either. I never tried to make friends during that period. I couldn't do anything outdoors without covering myself with clothes and a hat and gloves (I had to add the gloves after I had skin cancer on my hand) which looked weird, so I pretty much just stayed home all the time. I didn't have any friends but I wasn't lonely because my brother always did stuff with me. I really didn't have great people skills. But then when I started working I dealt with all kinds of people and it helped me develop better people skills.
I think the reason a lot of trans people are isolated is simply because they don't want to deal with other people unless they have to. None of us ever knows what's going to happen to us in public, being outed, insulted or possibly assaulted. The need for friends isn't worth the possible risks. In my case I really don't care that much anymore about having friends after having some friends that I thought were accepting turn on me.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 13, 2017, 11:53:52 AM
For 60 years :o??!? Now I feel much better with my *
Started in kindergarten. I didn't like playing with the boys. Played Jacks, hopscotch, four square, dress up etc with the girls. It felt natural. At eight I began playing baseball but still did not fit in. I would cry after every mistake and loss. Most of my friends, I have known since kindergarten in 1956. But I had those damn guy parts.
Being an introvert, it comes naturally
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Mostly socially isolated for I'd guess over 20 years
Quote from: Gertrude on December 13, 2017, 02:07:40 PM
Being an introvert, it comes naturally
Could it be that you became introverted because of your gender dysphoria?
At least since primary school I have only socialised when forced into social situations. I had a few friends in high school but we didn't hang out after school. I was friendly with colleagues at work and sometimes socialised with them after work but I mainly regarded it as being polite, although I was genuinely fond of some female colleagues I used to know. I also socialised with friends of the family when necessary. Now I see my brother every couple of months and I may bump into a former colleague about once a year. That's the total of my current socialising. I will spend Christmas watching television and eating microwaved turkey. Having said that, I sometimes enjoyed the social interaction that I was forced into.
The thing is, I was living a lie, trying to present as a man, although some female colleagues suspected the truth. People I socialised with did not know the real me and I know that many of them would have been freaked out if they had known. Since primary school I have never met anyone I believe to be trans. What is the point of making friends with people who do not really know you and probably wouldn't want to know you? I'm sure that many trans people became introverted BECAUSE they are trans. Now I know that I could probably benefit from finding and joining a support group but old habits die hard.
Quote from: MaryT on December 14, 2017, 08:21:03 AM
Could it be that you became introverted because of your gender dysphoria?
At least since primary school I have only socialised when forced into social situations. I had a few friends in high school but we didn't hang out after school. I was friendly with colleagues at work and sometimes socialised with them after work but I mainly regarded it as being polite, although I was genuinely fond of some female colleagues I used to know. I also socialised with friends of the family when necessary. Now I see my brother every couple of months and I may bump into a former colleague about once a year. That's the total of my current socialising. I will spend Christmas watching television and eating microwaved turkey. Having said that, I sometimes enjoyed the social interaction that I was forced into.
The thing is, I was living a lie, trying to present as a man, although some female colleagues suspected the truth. People I socialised with did not know the real me and I know that many of them would have been freaked out if they had known. Since primary school I have never met anyone I believe to be trans. What is the point of making friends with people who do not really know you and probably wouldn't want to know you? I'm sure that many trans people became introverted BECAUSE they are trans. Now I know that I could probably benefit from finding and joining a support group but old habits die hard.
I've always been introverted. Mild aspergers. Mom said I could entertain myself for hours. When I want to be around people I am, but I don't need it all the time. In fact, I find it draining.
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*Heavy sigh*
I feel isolated most of the time, sometimes it's of my own doing other times not so much
Other than a brief hello goodbye I rarely talk to any of my neighbors much anymore
I do try to reach out sometimes but often it all seems to come undone somehow and I find myself left alone to my own devices again
*Shrugs it off and mopes about a bit*
Age: 23
Have you ever socially isolated yourself? Yes
In what ways? I was in complete isolation
When? 2014
For how long? I remember little before 5th grade.(I went to a new school nearly every year) But I have rarely had have friends, 5th grade none
6th grade archnemesis from 5th grade 7th none 8th none 9th 1 we dreamed to take over the word. 10th none 11th 1st half none 2nd half so many this was the first time I felt happy 12 grade there was a group of 6-10 of us that would always hang out. That dropped to 4 after graduation, and trickled down after I got engaged then it was just me and her for a couple of years until it blew up then I just worked and came home to my cat until panic attacks made me stop going to work, I was like that for about 6th months. I moved nothing changed until recently.
How was it? Terrible it feels like nothing just empty and bouts of rage and crying
Have you survived it? To scared to die
Do you now have friends & a great social life? Thankfully because I got kicked out lol
Are you still living it? Nope
Is there something you learned from it?
Or something you'd like to tell your then-self?
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I sort of relate to Anneli Rufus and what she details in her book Party of One: the Loners' Manifesto, but she makes a distinction between loners, who truly shun and don't need the company of others and are content that way, and the lonely, who life aloof but revel being in company when the opportunity comes along. I think I'm more in the 2nd camp, I do like being with my friends and around the people at work, but I've lived on my own for a long time too, am alone right now, and don't mind it that way; I've never been in a long term relationship, I used to be much more dyspectic and lived as a bit of a shut in for a good few years - and was happy, too. How gender played a role in all this I really wonder about now, having only really realized its importance to my persona recently.
Rufus's book is excellent reading, check it out if you haven't. Some truly astonishing talents have been loners. I don't count myself in their company but as regards the music I play I have an exhaustive knowledge, for what that's worth.
Very much so. I drove people away, and eventually ended up running away to a small town to avoid as many people as possible. I saw the few friends I still had like once every 2-3 months, sometimes longer. I even changed my phone number so my parents couldn't get a hold of me any more (which I deeply regret, because my grandmother passed away during that time).
I'd say I started isolating myself from others around 15 years ago, and moved to this town 13 years ago. It's only been downhill since. I haven't dated or had sex in almost 20 years.
I'm slowly coming back from that, I've already made a few new friends, reconnected with an older friend I hadn't spoken with in years, and as soon as I get out of this horrible little town and finally living as my true self, I hope to make more friends & give dating another whirl.
My whole life. I never sought friends as I didn't really understand how to play with boys, and girls confused me. As I got older I learned to pretend and offer a social facade. People called me cold, unemotional and unresponsive. I'm not and never have been, just been afraid to be me and that built a barrier that no one - not even my wife ever fully penetrated.
Hi hon,
This is a hard phrase to write, but I am the collateral damage from a dysfunctional family. The following comes with trigger warnings and content warnings.
A lot of what follows is current self learning from therapy, but is likely to change, as my thinking evolves.
I have poorly defined boundaries, that I will readily capitulate if I feel that it's what is desired. If I dare to support them, I feel guilt and shame. I deeply regret having supported myself, and am flooded with feelings of shame and disgust with myself - quintessential self loathing. The shame that I feel as a result of these social interactions drives me to protect myself.
This mechanism means that social interaction is fraught - I need it, but every time I need time to recover. Too much, and I am less able to recover, and a slow descent begins - finding a balance is very difficult.
Yes, I am fragile, and if that loathing has a gendered component the urge to physically inflict the pain I'm feeling, it is almost irresistible.
All of this gets reflected in being guarded, and reluctant to engage in social occasions - being me is out of the question, and this behaviour has been running for more than 30 years. The current episode I have a space that I go to, when all is too much, and am currently sleeping there as I feel too toxic for contact.
However, when I'm in a good space, there's nothing I enjoy more.
Trying not to be the party pooper
Rowan
Quote from: Sno on December 17, 2017, 10:55:40 PM
However, when I'm in a good space, there's nothing I enjoy more.
Trying not to be the party pooper
Rowan
Rowan,
Read your post breaks my heart. No one should ever feel that broken. It's horrible but I think I understand it at least in part. I may even have been there myself. Indeed I don't believe that I have found my way out of it yet. I feel better, yes, but the reality of it is nothing has changed yet. As a result Hun, I think I feel at least some of your pain.
On a brighter note I love that you have been around a lot more and have made an effort to help others including myself. Thank you for that and for being here with us. Don't you go running off again. Do you hear me Rowan? You stick around.
Hugs,
Laurie
A couple of years back I did try to reach out to more people. I hadn't seen my parents since 2010ish, and they didn't bother talking much so I thought maybe they thought it was my fault and I was cutting them out, so I tried to get a bit closer to them. It didn't work. They thought I was attention seeking - I mean in a sense I was, by reminding them I exist while they were busy doting on my sister's kids I suppose. Then I got angry about it because it was said behind the scenes to another relative that that's what one of my parents thought the whole transition thing was, nothing more than attention-seeking, and this relative (my aunt) told me. A rift in the family had developed over this, my aunt and uncle on one side defending me and my parents on the other and I barely knew a thing about it. Which was embarrassing.
Then my parents just gave up bothering with me altogether. I gave up too. I was bothered about it for a while but realize it was futile.
Then I found out how several people really thought about me and it was surprising. There were some friends whom I assumed were close but actually weren't and didn't have any need for me at all. There were a few uncomfortable revelations at home where I found I just wasn't all that important to some people.
These were just some bitter pills I needed to take I guess. That you should never assume about people because you just never know, even if you're blood, or have years of history. I'm more wary about "friendship" and companionship now. If it's there, great, but I definitely can't expect it to be there all the time or for people to have time for me. That was the main thing - people did not have time for me, even the ones who had always had mine.
That's led to a new sort of state of mind over the last year or so. Disengaging from those ideas and spending more time just doing things I want to do for myself instead of wasting it where I'm not having much positive out of it but still putting the time in anyway. That's a bit more social isolation than before, but not deliberately. It's just making sure I don't waste too much time and put too much store in people who probably won't have any time for me if I need it. It's been a net positive to do this, as I've spent less time being annoyed. There's also the idea I should go seek out some like-minded people as well for something specific, some activity we are all passionate for; maybe diving or caving like I used to, or whatever. Sort, focused bursts of purposeful interaction maybe. A lot of efficient fun can be had that way.
Hi Laurie,
I've been this broken for decades. I've been papering over the cracks for a very long time, but I'm not able to at the moment, and am taking the opportunity to try to fix some of the mess.
I'll be ok.
Rowan
I often say I wish there was a magical island retreat where I could go and transition in solitude until I felt ready to re-enter myself into society. This however is not reality and we're forced to continue interacting with people even on some small level. :-\
For me I love being alone however I also find this to be dangerous as my insecurities about not passing and not being accepted don't get tested or dealt with so when the time comes to go out as me it becomes a "big ordeal". I find when I force myself to interact with my friends more regularly I feel much more comfortable with by body in the long term. ^-^
Much love. <3
Quote from: Sno on December 17, 2017, 10:55:40 PM
Hi hon,
This is a hard phrase to write, but I am the collateral damage from a dysfunctional family. The following comes with trigger warnings and content warnings.
A lot of what follows is current self learning from therapy, but is likely to change, as my thinking evolves.
I have poorly defined boundaries, that I will readily capitulate if I feel that it's what is desired. If I dare to support them, I feel guilt and shame. I deeply regret having supported myself, and am flooded with feelings of shame and disgust with myself - quintessential self loathing. The shame that I feel as a result of these social interactions drives me to protect myself.
This mechanism means that social interaction is fraught - I need it, but every time I need time to recover. Too much, and I am less able to recover, and a slow descent begins - finding a balance is very difficult.
Yes, I am fragile, and if that loathing has a gendered component the urge to physically inflict the pain I'm feeling, it is almost irresistible.
All of this gets reflected in being guarded, and reluctant to engage in social occasions - being me is out of the question, and this behaviour has been running for more than 30 years. The current episode I have a space that I go to, when all is too much, and am currently sleeping there as I feel too toxic for contact.
However, when I'm in a good space, there's nothing I enjoy more.
Trying not to be the party pooper
Rowan
Rowan, I read your post :'(!
Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are needed. Don't you ever give up.
I did for a long, long time. Although also I've had that forced upon me but that's another story for another time.
The main reason was this: I don't like lying. To anyone. I just don't. I don't like living a lie. Because it isn't me. And that's the real point of it. I could have fit in, with those around me. Be who they expected, or wanted me to be. It would not have been hard to do. I watched my brothers doing it. But I would rather be alone than project an image to people and have them be friends with that.
It's hard for people to see beyond what's in front of their nose. A lifetime of experience has taught me that. And living up to that... it would have made me feel worse than having nothing to do with anyone. Because I would have felt like I was betraying myself. I know people do. I know some people spend many years doing so. Through denial, or loneliness, or a myriad of other reasons. Everyone is different. But speaking for myself, for the longest time I did not know who I was. Let alone how to assimilate that into everyday life. And if I couldn't come to terms with myself, how could I expect anyone else to form any sort of attachment to me? It's like that age old saying "If you can't love yourself, how can anyone else love you?"
That's the feeling I had for many, many years. So I chose to distance myself from people. I did not want to live a lie but I also did not know the truth. I was in this grey, murky limbo. And I guess it was lonely. To a degree. But looking back, I also did not lose too much when I finally realised who I was. I had no attachments. No wife... no children. Just me. It was like finally picking up the brush and being able to paint on the blank canvas that was my life. And I suppose in a way I am glad for that. I had no one to hurt. No one really to "get used to it". Other than my brother. But we won't talk about that.
I can't say that it's a good thing. The heartache is real. The pain you feel is real. I guess people just handle life differently. It is what it is. I wish I could say I felt like I missed out on something. On friendship and... happiness? But I don't know that I did. I don't know that the person all these people would have seen was the person I ever wanted to be. So... in the end... as I say, it is what it is. :)
Quote from: Sephirah on December 18, 2017, 03:27:39 PM
That's the feeling I had for many, many years. So I chose to distance myself from people. I did not want to live a lie but I also did not know the truth. I was in this grey, murky limbo. And I guess it was lonely. To a degree. But looking back, I also did not lose too much when I finally realised who I was. I had no attachments. No wife... no children. Just me. It was like finally picking up the brush and being able to paint on the blank canvas that was my life. And I suppose in a way I am glad for that. I had no one to hurt. No one really to "get used to it". Other than my brother. But we won't talk about that.
I can't say that it's a good thing. The heartache is real. The pain you feel is real. I guess people just handle life differently. It is what it is. I wish I could say I felt like I missed out on something. On friendship and... happiness? But I don't know that I did. I don't know that the person all these people would have seen was the person I ever wanted to be. So... in the end... as I say, it is what it is. :)
Precisely! I've been actually feeling I don't want to form any new relationships with anyone - not in real life neither online, coz when I do finally transition, I don't want anyone to know what I used to be/look like in their eyes? Does that make sense? - Probably not but my SO is all what I've got in this world. No commitments whatsoever. I don't even want to have kids coz that would be a hindrance - I don't want anyone ever to stop me from living my life.
I'm only here talking to you guys coz you already know I'm trans. I don't have to explain myself.
I don't feel like I can form any real connection with anyone who thinks (or even sees) me as a w*man.
Quote from: PurpleWolf on December 18, 2017, 03:48:07 PM
Precisely! I've been actually feeling I don't want to form any new relationships with anyone - not in real life neither online, coz when I do finally transition, I don't want anyone to know what I used to be/look like in their eyes? Does that make sense? - Probably not but my SO is all what I've got in this world. No commitments whatsoever. I don't even want to have kids coz that would be a hindrance - I don't want anyone ever to stop me from living my life.
I'm only here talking to you guys coz you already know I'm trans. I don't have to explain myself.
I don't feel like I can form any real connection with anyone who thinks (or even sees) me as a w*man.
It does make sense. To me. I understand what you mean. You're basically waiting. You know what you want and you're in a holding pattern until you can achieve that. And projecting an image of someone else to people around you will only complicate matters. For them and for you. I felt much the same way, only I didn't know at the time what I was waiting for. Only this feeling of "This isn't me."
You're waiting to be yourself, and you want the world to see only yourself. I get that, totally. And when you do, you will be free.
Do it. Whenever is right for you. Do it and be free. I believe in you. :)
Quote from: Sephirah on December 18, 2017, 03:54:53 PM
It does make sense. To me. I understand what you mean. You're basically waiting. You know what you want and you're in a holding pattern until you can achieve that. And projecting an image of someone else to people around you will only complicate matters. For them and for you. I felt much the same way, only I didn't know at the time what I was waiting for. Only this feeling of "This isn't me."
You're waiting to be yourself, and you want the world to see only yourself. I get that, totally. And when you do, you will be free.
Do it. Whenever is right for you. Do it and be free. I believe in you. :)
Awesome, thanks! That made me smile, :)
I'm trying my best to get on T - finally.
But thanks, that felt really encouraging, :)
That really felt awesome. Thanks!!!
Socially isolated? Well, I was agoraphobic and lived as a complete shut-in for around a decade and a half. So yeah, fairly socially isolated. ;D It's been a little while since I've mentioned my history, but I apologize to those who have read it before. :P
Began around puberty, would lose more and more friends, and moved to smaller and smaller schools until I just dropped out entirely at 16 to do home school. Still, I would occasionally go to the movies or out to eat. By the time I was 20, not even that except in an extraordinarily rare occasion and making it there was an anxiety fueled nightmare that required serious medication. I lived with my mother, and would go weeks without seeing another human being in person except for her and the pizza guy. Around 30, I started to make attempts to deal with the problem, but was waylaid by my mother's cancer diagnosis. when she passed away when I was 32, it was like a switch going off in my brain. I couldn't drive and had no job or degree, so moved in with my father. Yet while I was logistically still hobbled, my experiences with my mom's cancer made the rest of the world seem like nothing in comparison. I'd been through true hell, and my fears and anxiety were paltry in the face of what I had just been through. I grieved, I still do and probably always will, but I am no longer a shut-in by any means. I got my driver's license a few weeks ago at the age of 35, and that's pretty much that.
Was it all trans related? I definitely have a genetic baseline anxiety, many members of my family have it, but mine was the worst hands down. But I now also strongly believe the underlying gender issue was the complicating factor that took me to such an extreme compared to every other relative, who all manage to live their lives just fine despite the genetic anxiety.
I just remembered something. It's so natural to me that I forget I do it. But I tend to go out in the mornings and at night only. I avoid the middle of the day if I can. It's a habit ingrained into my brain because I don't like crowds and I don't really like a lot of people around and where I live there can be a lot of them in the summer. The less people around the better for me when it comes to walking the streets. This has been me since I was a kid. I used to go out at night and walk the streets in the middle of the night. I felt safer doing that than in the day somehow. There was never anyone around usually, and if they were around I was armed, and I would hear them anywhere near me. So I had no fear.
These days I still take walks at night and meet nobody. On clear nights you can walk for miles in the total dark and quiet around here. Got the whole place to myself usually. It's odd more people don't do it, it's peaceful. Any time between about 2 am and 5 am and the world is empty. By 5am the dog walkers are out and I see them when I go diving. I am much more comfortable doing stuff early. Maybe when I finish off transition this might change, but I don't think I'll lose my love of wandering around when it's empty.
Quote from: Viktor on December 19, 2017, 01:22:01 AM
I just remembered something. It's so natural to me that I forget I do it. But I tend to go out in the mornings and at night only. I avoid the middle of the day if I can. It's a habit ingrained into my brain because I don't like crowds and I don't really like a lot of people around and where I live there can be a lot of them in the summer. The less people around the better for me when it comes to walking the streets. This has been me since I was a kid. I used to go out at night and walk the streets in the middle of the night. I felt safer doing that than in the day somehow. There was never anyone around usually, and if they were around I was armed, and I would hear them anywhere near me. So I had no fear.
These days I still take walks at night and meet nobody. On clear nights you can walk for miles in the total dark and quiet around here. Got the whole place to myself usually. It's odd more people don't do it, it's peaceful. Any time between about 2 am and 5 am and the world is empty. By 5am the dog walkers are out and I see them when I go diving. I am much more comfortable doing stuff early. Maybe when I finish off transition this might change, but I don't think I'll love my love of wandering around when it's empty.
I loath crowds. We lived in Seoul for many years, a city of 10 million so crowds were the norm as were sardine can subways. I used to cycle from midnight friday to midday saturday going as far from people as possible. The sheer peace of the cycleways by the Han River at 1am with no one at all out is bliss. After e I still loath crowds but I can tolerate them longer.
I had a sort of agrophobia were I stayed in apart from walking to the shopping centre & back for about 3 years. I started to go to different areas of town then the surrounding towns then by train a bit further afield once a week.
Ah yes, agoraphobia :P I've dealt with it for years
I'd say I qualify for social avoidance for certain.
After high school I took some on again off again college courses never wanting to know anyone there. I took a job at 21 in the small town I grew up just outside of. For a decade I rarely traveled more than 10 miles from home. I lived with my mom and younger brother until I was 29. My life was work, work, tv, computer games, sleep, oh and work.
I only saw the one close friend I had from grade school through high school a few times in the earlier of those years. I had a very small world and hated even going to the store for clothes or anything. I started buying tee shirts online in bulk so when I wore some out I had spares. Always bought them in a single color at a time. I rarely ever deviated from this structured existence. Yet I always wanted to deep down.
I suppose that's another side of this. Deep inside I wanted to be like the people I saw. The woman with her kids in a store caused me a sort of pain inside. Oh and babies, geez especially the new borns. I avoided looking at these things most much like I tried to avoid wanting to be able to wear pretty clothes. I had a deep want to be included in female social circles but had to avoid all these things. That's as much a story of my disphoria as it is social avoidance. The two for me were always intertwined.
I'm deeply touched by everyone's stories here.......
Quote from: Viktor on December 19, 2017, 01:22:01 AM
I just remembered something. It's so natural to me that I forget I do it. But I tend to go out in the mornings and at night only. I avoid the middle of the day if I can. It's a habit ingrained into my brain because I don't like crowds and I don't really like a lot of people around and where I live there can be a lot of them in the summer. The less people around the better for me when it comes to walking the streets. This has been me since I was a kid. I used to go out at night and walk the streets in the middle of the night. I felt safer doing that than in the day somehow. There was never anyone around usually, and if they were around I was armed, and I would hear them anywhere near me. So I had no fear.
These days I still take walks at night and meet nobody. On clear nights you can walk for miles in the total dark and quiet around here. Got the whole place to myself usually. It's odd more people don't do it, it's peaceful. Any time between about 2 am and 5 am and the world is empty. By 5am the dog walkers are out and I see them when I go diving. I am much more comfortable doing stuff early. Maybe when I finish off transition this might change, but I don't think I'll lose my love of wandering around when it's empty.
Haha, I like to take walks too when no one is around... at night & early mornings too, ;)
Well, it has a lot to do with my appearance of course... ::)
But I also like the peace & quiet like the world belongs to me.