Hello everyone! So yesterday marked 8 months of HRT for me! To be honest, I haven't noticed too many changes from the hormones lately, so this thread is going to be more about the social aspect of my transition and just about my life in general :)
I'll start with the hormone changes. I think my face does look a little more feminine, but I have a hard time capturing it in pictures. I definitely notice it when I look in the mirror though and that's what's important to me, and it makes me smile more! :D No real changes in the body hair or my skin since my 6 month update unfortunately. I have another visit with the doctor in a month so hopefully my dose will be upped once more, then I think I'm at the max. The soreness in my breasts has calmed down a bit, but they're still a little sensitive. I think I've had some slight mental changes lately though, I seem a lot more sympathetic when I see sad stories in the news now. I mean, it always made me feel bad to hear about something tragic but I'm definitely feeling it more now. I think in my 6 month update I mentioned that I feel between genders, definitely not male anymore but not quite female yet. I think that's changed, I definitely feel feminine most of the time now, which I'm excited about!
I've decided on my last name too. I haven't felt attached to my last name since my parents got divorced, I even go by a fake name on social media, I named myself after a band I used to be in. I decided to go with Madeline Louise Novak as my full name. I don't personally know any other Madelines, I didn't want anyone I know thinking that I'm stealing their name lol! My first dog's name was "Princess Louise", so I named my middle name after her hehe. I actually had a dream last week where she visited me and gave me kisses, so I think she approves <3 and Novak is my maternal grandmother's maiden name. I think my full name has a nice ring to it and I like having a last name that honors my grandmother and my Slovak heritage, I've always felt more Slovak than the German and Scottish heritage from my father's side of the family.
I've been bonding with my older sister more, which I absolutely love. We're still pretty different people but I always have a good time when I see her. The other day she called me just to talk and we ended up chatting for almost 40 minutes! Friday we actually went clothes shopping together for the first time, which is something I wanted to do for years! I'm so happy we finally got to, even if my haul was minimal lol, then we went again yesterday too. When I was shopping though I was still presenting as male, which sucks, because when I do that I'm afraid to take things into the dressing room to try them on, so right now I've just been buying basic stuff that I know will fit me, but soon I need to go shopping as Maddie and try things on to expand my wardrobe. I plan on going full time in May and I really only have just a few outfits since I lost so much weight, and most of my clothes are warmer winter clothes! I think having more clothes that are cute and fit me well will be great for my confidence.
Speaking of my confidence, it's getting better! Last night I went out with a couple girlfriends dressed as Maddie and I wasn't even really that nervous, I even used a public Women's bathroom for the first time! We went to Ithaca NY, which is a pretty liberal town, so I felt safe. We went to an antique store and we went downtown for dinner and I didn't notice anyone staring at me, so things went well! I'm dressing up again next weekend to go see my therapist, maybe after that I'll try to go shopping somewhere while I'm still dressed up!
I tried getting a couple pics last night but nothing really came out good, but I did get an ok car selfie so I'll post it here. I wanna work on my makeup a bit and try to tone it down a little if I can, I think I might drop the eyeliner and try to find a lighter lipstick. I wish I could go a lot lighter on the concealer/foundation, but it will be a few years until I can do that since I still have a lot of electrolysis to go through. I think I gotta work on my contouring though, but I've gotten good at doing my hair!
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29339803_10155194796001373_7396766908463557335_n.jpg?oh=48bead3de1ff1bb5809a7154bf0ea841&oe=5B3C31FC)
other than that I don't think I have anything else really to update, I should be moving into a new apartment in the next 3 to 4 weeks, so I am VERY excited for that! This next week I am going to work on my coming out letters to my dad and facebook. Oh and I came out to a trans woman last night that I've known for a while. She actually runs a local support group, so I think I'm going to go in a few weeks! Things are starting to shape up!
Maddie: A terrific update and a wonderful photo. Transistioning can be so exciting and even fun when things go well like you have reported. Moving into a new place with new neighbors is usually a wonderful way to enjoy and explore the new you!!
Keep the updates coming.
Danielle
Hi Maddie, I think your makeup looks good. I am happy for you that your transition is progressing well and have some family support.
Congrats on 8 months! Almost at the 1 year mark! You look female and feeling like one is huge. I'm almost at 6 months and I feel exactly the way you did. So you give me hope!
Also have you considered bangs? I think you could pull it off.
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Lovely update, Maddie! That's a very pretty name to go with your pretty face. And what a nice tribute to your grandmother to honour her with your last name.
awww thank you everyone! <3 your compliments mean a lot to me!
I will continue with more updates as things happen, and I will post better pics when I get some lol. Next Saturday I have therapy and I'm going to dress up for it, but earlier today my friend asked me if I wanted to go explore a cemetery that day too, so I might dress up and get some pics at the cemetery lol >:-)
Awesome update. I'm really happy things are going good for you. Keep it up.
Quote from: RobynTx on March 18, 2018, 08:33:23 PM
Awesome update. I'm really happy things are going good for you. Keep it up.
thank you :)
Quote from: Allison S on March 18, 2018, 05:16:26 PM
Congrats on 8 months! Almost at the 1 year mark! You look female and feeling like one is huge. I'm almost at 6 months and I feel exactly the way you did. So you give me hope!
Also have you considered bangs? I think you could pull it off.
aw, I always wanted bangs but my hair on top is pretty thin so I don't think my bangs would be thick enough to look good. I think I'd look good with them though, I feel like my forehead is kinda big and bangs would cover it up
I just think bangs would suit your face. I have a prominent brow bone but bangs wouldn't look good on me at all..
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Quote from: Allison S on March 19, 2018, 10:04:14 AM
I just think bangs would suit your face. I have a prominent brow bone but bangs wouldn't look good on me at all..
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
I fix my hair both ways.... with bangs and without bangs....... obviously bangs can make a big difference in how one appears and how the face looks... either way works for me. (hopefully ;))
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 19, 2018, 10:08:42 AM
I fix my hair both ways.... with bangs and without bangs....... obviously bangs can make a big difference in how one appears and how the face looks... either way works for me. (hopefully ;))
Oh it definitely does work for you both ways. If I ever get male suitors I'll let you know if no bangs is working for me lol..
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So Saturday morning I went to Boscov's with my sister. There was a top on a mannequin that I really liked but I couldn't find it so I was kind of bummed. Well today I went back and decided to ask a clerk where it was and I bought it 8) and it was on sale too! half off! It fits me fine but the sleeves are a little short, they cover the full arms on the mannequin and on the model on their website the top covers most of her arms, but on me it's about 3/4. I'm not sure if the problem would be fixed if I took it back and got a bigger size, idk what to do at the moment but I did keep the tags on it just in case. I think I'm gunna cut the tassels off if I keep it. This is the only pair of jeans I have that fits me right now, I gotta get a pair in a lighter color to match this top better!
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29388909_10155201894196373_8586836392750015082_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=521ad0784412aefa3ae571b65025d5a4&oe=5B3DB6CC)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29433327_10155201894246373_6702984668864380854_n.jpg?oh=a144b1f9339b013590b16df4fbcf769d&oe=5B3D957C)
Quote from: Maddie86 on March 20, 2018, 05:04:35 PM
So Saturday morning I went to Boscov's with my sister. There was a top on a mannequin that I really liked but I couldn't find it so I was kind of bummed. Well today I went back and decided to ask a clerk where it was and I bought it 8) and it was on sale too! half off! It fits me fine but the sleeves are a little short, they cover the full arms on the mannequin and on the model on their website the top covers most of her arms, but on me it's about 3/4. I'm not sure if the problem would be fixed if I took it back and got a bigger size, idk what to do at the moment but I did keep the tags on it just in case. I think I'm gunna cut the tassels off if I keep it. This is the only pair of jeans I have that fits me right now, I gotta get a pair in a lighter color to match this top better!
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29388909_10155201894196373_8586836392750015082_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=521ad0784412aefa3ae571b65025d5a4&oe=5B3DB6CC)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29433327_10155201894246373_6702984668864380854_n.jpg?oh=a144b1f9339b013590b16df4fbcf769d&oe=5B3D957C)
Yes yes yes! I like the color of the top with your hair color! I don't think you should get a bigger size. Just roll up the sleeves a bit more from the elbow and you're all set.
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Quote from: Allison S on March 20, 2018, 05:10:54 PM
Yes yes yes! I like the color of the top with your hair color! I don't think you should get a bigger size. Just roll up the sleeves a bit more from the elbow and you're all set.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
thank you Allison! :D
Well I went out again today and overall it went well but I didn't think that I looked good and it kinda brought me down a little. Being in the closet is getting more and more frustrating. I'm still living with my mom and it's hard to get ready and go out, I had to wake up early and shower and then I did my hair and my foundation in my bedroom, and I got dressed here too but I left my girl boots and coat in the car and I threw on a male coat and some chuck taylors and left with my purse and makeup bag and a change of clothes in a backpack. Then I drove into town and found a parking lot to finish my makeup in and change my shoes and coat. I feel like I did a terrible job with my foundation and my lipstick, and overall I feel like I wear too much makeup even when going for a subtle look. It takes me about an hour to do it and I really need to cut that down by the time I go full time. Honestly, I like how I look when I look in the mirror without it, but I can't go for a super subtle look until I don't have any beard shadow, and it's still there even when I'm freshly shaved! I've been doing electrolysis since July but I can usually only go once or twice a month, and my last 2 appointments were canceled. When I put my makeup on you can see how big my pores are and then my foundation always wears off in the lines around my mouth and on my forehead. I need to figure something out!
So the reason I got dressed up is because I had a session with my therapist today and I wanted to dress up for it. I also thought that since I'm doing that I'd see if my friend wanted to go out for a late breakfast with me. we went to a place where she used to work where I figured I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. I wasn't really nervous about going in there dressed up, I've gotten a lot better about that, but I was definitely a little bummed about the makeup, which only got worse when I left because when I got to my car I saw a big smudge on my lip where my foundation smeared, I forgot to use my setting spray! shoot! I looked like that while my friend was talking to the owner and when one of the cooks introduced himself to me, ew! The owner seemed ok but she didn't introduce herself. The one cook seemed genuinely nice though and non-judgemental and he shook my hand. I still feel like I don't pass very well so I over analyze everything lol.
My therapy session went well, my therapist kept telling me how great I'm doing and how good I look even though I was a little down on myself. Other than that I think the session was a little uneventful. After the session I had to go change before I came home, so I found a secluded area in a parking lot and took off my makeup and changed my clothes in my car. It was very frustrating to have to do that, I hate that I don't have my own apartment yet where I can keep all of my things organized and be myself. I have the money for a place and I have one lined up but I'm waiting for the current tenants to leave, they were evicted and have another week to get out but I have a feeling they're going to make things difficult, and it's going to be a while until I can get in there because there's some things I can't buy until I see the place in person.
Sorry, I needed to vent :P
Yes let it out sis! I have to sneak around for different reasons and it's annoying as heck. And that's weird so the place you're moving to has tenants? Becareful not to pay before you sign a lease and have the key. Sorry if I'm being pesky.. I'm jaded since there's a lot of scams out there
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My Dear Maddie: Yes, please vent, this is a great place to do it, lots of understanding and sympathetic ears here to listen to you... and hopeful some of the members here can help you cope with the issues you bring up just by being here for you.
Yes, it will be a monumental and memorable moment when you can finally live on your own and dress as you please without having to cower and hide on your way out of your mom's house.
It was nice to hear that your session went well with your therapist today and even got a compliment about your appearance.... that is very good, for sure. Oh, and don't you worry about occasional smudges in your makeup... this happens with all of us trans-women... including many cis-women!!!
Hugs.... and please keep the updates and pictures coming!!! I enjoy following your transition journey.
Danielle
Quote from: Allison S on March 24, 2018, 04:59:13 PM
Yes let it out sis! I have to sneak around for different reasons and it's annoying as heck. And that's weird so the place you're moving to has tenants? Becareful not to pay before you sign a lease and have the key. Sorry if I'm being pesky.. I'm jaded since there's a lot of scams out there
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
well it's kind of a sticky situation right now, but the landlord is actually a friend of mine that I've known for over half my life now, and I know that's he's a very good trustworthy person. He doesn't know about my transition yet but I'm sure he'll be fine with it because he knows I'm a good person too. He said he would much rather have me in there than the current tenants. The people that are there right now were served papers and legally evicted and they have until the end of this month to get out. If they drag their feet though and try to go to court over it then that's going to really screw me over. They're actually getting kicked out for 2 reasons. First off the woman is the one who signed the renter's agreement and she said she was just going to be living there alone, and she even talked my friend down a little in the price. Then her boyfriend moved in. It's not like she had been there a long time either, she was only there for a month or two, but her bf wasn't in the contract and my friend wouldn't have given her a discount on the rent if he knew there would be 2 people living there. The big thing though is that my friend doesn't allow dogs in this apartment. It's an upstairs apartment so that would be bad for the downstairs neighbor because dogs like to run around the house and make noise. This woman and her bf had 2 dogs. She keeps them together in one cage all day and I feel like that's cruel, so my friend told her she had to get rid of them if she planned on staying there and she said she's not going to get rid of them. So now I'm just waiting on them to move out, I have money for rent and to buy furniture but I can't buy anything until I check the place out in person
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 24, 2018, 05:09:28 PM
My Dear Maddie: Yes, please vent, this is a great place to do it, lots of understanding and sympathetic ears here to listen to you... and hopeful some of the members here can help you cope with the issues you bring up just by being here for you.
Yes, it will be a monumental and memorable moment when you can finally live on your own and dress as you please without having to cower and hide on your way out of your mom's house.
It was nice to hear that your session went well with your therapist today and even got a compliment about your appearance.... that is very good, for sure. Oh, and don't you worry about occasional smudges in your makeup... this happens with all of us trans-women... including many cis-women!!!
Hugs.... and please keep the updates and pictures coming!!! I enjoy following your transition journey.
Danielle
Thanks Danielle, you're so sweet and I'm really happy that you joined Susan's, I love your positivity! Thank you so much for your support <3
You have that happiness and spark I'm looking for, the updates are inspirational and you look great! If I looked that good I would go and stay fulltime!! Please keep the updates coming. Thanks for the inspiration, corrina
Quote from: Corrina on March 25, 2018, 10:17:48 AM
You have that happiness and spark I'm looking for, the updates are inspirational and you look great! If I looked that good I would go and stay fulltime!! Please keep the updates coming. Thanks for the inspiration, corrina
aw, thanks! Things will probably be a little slow for a few weeks but I will definitely keep updating as things happen. I think my next outing might be April 7th, my friend is having people go out to dinner for her birthday and I'm going to try to go to it and dress up. I already have another event that night though, I will have to leave early, I hope the people I'm doing the event with don't get mad at me, I don't know how to bring this up to them just yet
So I've already been dreading telling my dad about my transition, and today only confirmed that I have something to worry about. Someone at work brought up Caitlyn Jenner and my dad said she was a freak and kept calling her "it" or "he" and even made the comment "they probably like to take it in the ass!"... I dunno if he was half kidding and hamming it up a little but I think his thoughts on the subject are clear, he doesn't approve. He doesn't seem totally hateful to me, just really ignorant. Sure, I could try to enlighten him, but he's so stubborn and set in his ways that I know I'll never get through to him.
Lately he's been really difficult to deal with, and him cutting me out of his life is almost going to seem like a relief, and honestly I hate that I feel this way, I feel terrible about it. He's done so much for me over the years, and I really am thankful for it, but I can't put his happiness before mine. I was never going to be the son he wanted and the more I'm around him the more distant I feel from him. Back when my parents went through their divorce I didn't really talk to him at all, he was acting really childish and he was being a real jerk, I actually hated him back then. In a lot of ways it seems like he never grew up, he seriously acts like he's 12 years old, he's hard to be around. I'm not going to be the one to cut him out, I'll still maintain a relationship with him as long as he's willing and respectful, but more than likely I feel like I'm never going to hear from him anymore.
I'm taking small steps to be ready to distance myself from him if needed. I'm sure he and I will both need some space from each other at least for a little while at the beginning, and I'm wondering if I should even give him the address of my new apartment just yet. I can't come out while I'm working with him and luckily that problem is going to be solved I think. There's a company we've worked for on and off over the last couple years that we're not currently working for, and they called him a couple weeks ago saying that they have a job for the both of us and it's going to start next week. My dad's taking the job without hesitation, but I think I'm going to stay with this current company I've been with. This other job is only for 2 or 3 weeks anyways and I don't think this company I'm with now will hire my dad back again after he bails on them, I just hope they still keep me working even without him (he and I have been working together for them since January). If they lay me off though I think I can scrape by on unemployment until I find a good job. So far the job search isn't going very well, but either way I'm not going to be "out" at work for a long time, new job or not, so with my dad working for a different company I can still work this job until I find something new I guess.
April is going to be draining. I need to move into an apartment, get a new job, cook easter dinner, keep selling off some of my stuff, build up my wardrobe, see my therapist, see my doctor, and then have 3 sessions of electrolysis! and also on the 20th I'm playing a Green Day cover set with some friends that I'm going to have to practice for! Oh and I'm helping run a small feminist music fest on the 7th and 8th. ahhhhh! I'll keep everyone updated
Quote from: Maddie86 on March 27, 2018, 07:37:41 PM
So I've already been dreading telling my dad about my transition, and today only confirmed that I have something to worry about. Someone at work brought up Caitlyn Jenner and my dad said she was a freak and kept calling her "it" or "he" and even made the comment "they probably like to take it in the ass!"... I dunno if he was half kidding and hamming it up a little but I think his thoughts on the subject are clear, he doesn't approve. He doesn't seem totally hateful to me, just really ignorant. Sure, I could try to enlighten him, but he's so stubborn and set in his ways that I know I'll never get through to him.
Lately he's been really difficult to deal with, and him cutting me out of his life is almost going to seem like a relief, and honestly I hate that I feel this way, I feel terrible about it. He's done so much for me over the years, and I really am thankful for it, but I can't put his happiness before mine. I was never going to be the son he wanted and the more I'm around him the more distant I feel from him. Back when my parents went through their divorce I didn't really talk to him at all, he was acting really childish and he was being a real jerk, I actually hated him back then. In a lot of ways it seems like he never grew up, he seriously acts like he's 12 years old, he's hard to be around. I'm not going to be the one to cut him out, I'll still maintain a relationship with him as long as he's willing and respectful, but more than likely I feel like I'm never going to hear from him anymore.
I'm taking small steps to be ready to distance myself from him if needed. I'm sure he and I will both need some space from each other at least for a little while at the beginning, and I'm wondering if I should even give him the address of my new apartment just yet. I can't come out while I'm working with him and luckily that problem is going to be solved I think. There's a company we've worked for on and off over the last couple years that we're not currently working for, and they called him a couple weeks ago saying that they have a job for the both of us and it's going to start next week. My dad's taking the job without hesitation, but I think I'm going to stay with this current company I've been with. This other job is only for 2 or 3 weeks anyways and I don't think this company I'm with now will hire my dad back again after he bails on them, I just hope they still keep me working even without him (he and I have been working together for them since January). If they lay me off though I think I can scrape by on unemployment until I find a good job. So far the job search isn't going very well, but either way I'm not going to be "out" at work for a long time, new job or not, so with my dad working for a different company I can still work this job until I find something new I guess.
April is going to be draining. I need to move into an apartment, get a new job, cook easter dinner, keep selling off some of my stuff, build up my wardrobe, see my therapist, see my doctor, and then have 3 sessions of electrolysis! and also on the 20th I'm playing a Green Day cover set with some friends that I'm going to have to practice for! Oh and I'm helping run a small feminist music fest on the 7th and 8th. ahhhhh! I'll keep everyone updated
Maddie: Not only are you very distressed over the situation with your Dad and your job situation, and although you are tempted, I don't think that in the long term that you should want to cut your Dad out of your life. You have a lot of bad history with your Dad and my initial reaction might have been the same as yours. For now, temporarily perhaps, that might be a good thing but he is still your Dad no matter how you slice it. Maybe after you continue your transition and go full-time and he and you get a little older, he just may come around....
"Hope for the best and plan for the worst." is a good motto for this scenario.
On top of all of this emotional stuff that you are dealing with then your April is an unbelievable time crunch, and an emotional and physical burden on you.... I don't think that there are enough days on the calendar in the Month of April to do everything on your list!!!! Good luck to you getting your finances together so you can move out into your own place.... transitioning is much more enjoyable when you don't have to sneak around in female clothes and makeup. !!!! For sure.
Wishing you the best, as always, and keep your updates coming... please
Danielle
Quote from: Maddie86 on March 27, 2018, 07:37:41 PM
So I've already been dreading telling my dad about my transition, and today only confirmed that I have something to worry about. Someone at work brought up Caitlyn Jenner and my dad said she was a freak and kept calling her "it" or "he" and even made the comment "they probably like to take it in the ass!"... I dunno if he was half kidding and hamming it up a little but I think his thoughts on the subject are clear, he doesn't approve. He doesn't seem totally hateful to me, just really ignorant. Sure, I could try to enlighten him, but he's so stubborn and set in his ways that I know I'll never get through to him.
Lately he's been really difficult to deal with, and him cutting me out of his life is almost going to seem like a relief, and honestly I hate that I feel this way, I feel terrible about it. He's done so much for me over the years, and I really am thankful for it, but I can't put his happiness before mine. I was never going to be the son he wanted and the more I'm around him the more distant I feel from him. Back when my parents went through their divorce I didn't really talk to him at all, he was acting really childish and he was being a real jerk, I actually hated him back then. In a lot of ways it seems like he never grew up, he seriously acts like he's 12 years old, he's hard to be around. I'm not going to be the one to cut him out, I'll still maintain a relationship with him as long as he's willing and respectful, but more than likely I feel like I'm never going to hear from him anymore.
I'm taking small steps to be ready to distance myself from him if needed. I'm sure he and I will both need some space from each other at least for a little while at the beginning, and I'm wondering if I should even give him the address of my new apartment just yet. I can't come out while I'm working with him and luckily that problem is going to be solved I think. There's a company we've worked for on and off over the last couple years that we're not currently working for, and they called him a couple weeks ago saying that they have a job for the both of us and it's going to start next week. My dad's taking the job without hesitation, but I think I'm going to stay with this current company I've been with. This other job is only for 2 or 3 weeks anyways and I don't think this company I'm with now will hire my dad back again after he bails on them, I just hope they still keep me working even without him (he and I have been working together for them since January). If they lay me off though I think I can scrape by on unemployment until I find a good job. So far the job search isn't going very well, but either way I'm not going to be "out" at work for a long time, new job or not, so with my dad working for a different company I can still work this job until I find something new I guess.
April is going to be draining. I need to move into an apartment, get a new job, cook easter dinner, keep selling off some of my stuff, build up my wardrobe, see my therapist, see my doctor, and then have 3 sessions of electrolysis! and also on the 20th I'm playing a Green Day cover set with some friends that I'm going to have to practice for! Oh and I'm helping run a small feminist music fest on the 7th and 8th. ahhhhh! I'll keep everyone updated
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Maddie: Not only are you very distressed over the situation with your Dad and your job situation, and although you are tempted, I don't think that in the long term that you should want to cut your Dad out of your life. You have a lot of bad history with your Dad and my initial reaction might have been the same as yours. For now, temporarily perhaps, that might be a good thing but he is still your Dad no matter how you slice it. Maybe after you continue your transition and go full-time and he and you get a little older, he just may come around....
"Hope for the best and plan for the worst." is a good motto for this scenario. In my transition history my Dad is not talking to me right now either, but my Mom is talking with me a little and she actually called me Danielle when I called her at Christmas time.
On top of all of this emotional stuff that you are dealing with then your April is an unbelievable time crunch, and an emotional and physical burden on you.... I don't think that there are enough days on the calendar in the Month of April to do everything on your list!!!! Good luck to you getting your finances together so you can move out into your own place.... transitioning is much more enjoyable when you don't have to sneak around in female clothes and makeup. !!!! For sure.
Wishing you the best, as always, and keep your updates coming... please
Danielle
Quote from: Maddie86 on March 27, 2018, 07:37:41 PM
So I've already been dreading telling my dad about my transition, and today only confirmed that I have something to worry about. Someone at work brought up Caitlyn Jenner and my dad said she was a freak and kept calling her "it" or "he" and even made the comment "they probably like to take it in the ass!"... I dunno if he was half kidding and hamming it up a little but I think his thoughts on the subject are clear, he doesn't approve. He doesn't seem totally hateful to me, just really ignorant. Sure, I could try to enlighten him, but he's so stubborn and set in his ways that I know I'll never get through to him.
Lately he's been really difficult to deal with, and him cutting me out of his life is almost going to seem like a relief, and honestly I hate that I feel this way, I feel terrible about it. He's done so much for me over the years, and I really am thankful for it, but I can't put his happiness before mine. I was never going to be the son he wanted and the more I'm around him the more distant I feel from him. Back when my parents went through their divorce I didn't really talk to him at all, he was acting really childish and he was being a real jerk, I actually hated him back then. In a lot of ways it seems like he never grew up, he seriously acts like he's 12 years old, he's hard to be around. I'm not going to be the one to cut him out, I'll still maintain a relationship with him as long as he's willing and respectful, but more than likely I feel like I'm never going to hear from him anymore.
I'm taking small steps to be ready to distance myself from him if needed. I'm sure he and I will both need some space from each other at least for a little while at the beginning, and I'm wondering if I should even give him the address of my new apartment just yet. I can't come out while I'm working with him and luckily that problem is going to be solved I think. There's a company we've worked for on and off over the last couple years that we're not currently working for, and they called him a couple weeks ago saying that they have a job for the both of us and it's going to start next week. My dad's taking the job without hesitation, but I think I'm going to stay with this current company I've been with. This other job is only for 2 or 3 weeks anyways and I don't think this company I'm with now will hire my dad back again after he bails on them, I just hope they still keep me working even without him (he and I have been working together for them since January). If they lay me off though I think I can scrape by on unemployment until I find a good job. So far the job search isn't going very well, but either way I'm not going to be "out" at work for a long time, new job or not, so with my dad working for a different company I can still work this job until I find something new I guess.
April is going to be draining. I need to move into an apartment, get a new job, cook easter dinner, keep selling off some of my stuff, build up my wardrobe, see my therapist, see my doctor, and then have 3 sessions of electrolysis! and also on the 20th I'm playing a Green Day cover set with some friends that I'm going to have to practice for! Oh and I'm helping run a small feminist music fest on the 7th and 8th. ahhhhh! I'll keep everyone updated
Sorry to hear about your dad! I know how that goes but for different reasons. I think people at your job probably look down on your dad. Whenever someone bashes others it shows bad character, I think. I don't know how your job is, but there's other trans women that are out at their jobs in construction. My cis friend just mentioned to me a trans person that works in the field. I think it's awesome!
I'm dreading April too, I actually have to do the same things for the most part. I just wanna transition in peace and have everything stay exactly the same for a year or two. But, yeah, the opposite is more likely. Good luck!!
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Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 27, 2018, 09:51:26 PM
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Maddie: Not only are you very distressed over the situation with your Dad and your job situation, and although you are tempted, I don't think that in the long term that you should want to cut your Dad out of your life. You have a lot of bad history with your Dad and my initial reaction might have been the same as yours. For now, temporarily perhaps, that might be a good thing but he is still your Dad no matter how you slice it. Maybe after you continue your transition and go full-time and he and you get a little older, he just may come around.... "Hope for the best and plan for the worst." is a good motto for this scenario. In my transition history my Dad is not talking to me right now either, but my Mom is talking with me a little and she actually called me Danielle when I called her at Christmas time.
On top of all of this emotional stuff that you are dealing with then your April is an unbelievable time crunch, and an emotional and physical burden on you.... I don't think that there are enough days on the calendar in the Month of April to do everything on your list!!!! Good luck to you getting your finances together so you can move out into your own place.... transitioning is much more enjoyable when you don't have to sneak around in female clothes and makeup. !!!! For sure.
Wishing you the best, as always, and keep your updates coming... please
Danielle
yeah, I don't WANT to cut him out, but I think I'm going to have to for a while. Like I said, I'm willing to keep him in my life, but I'm not going to deal with him if he's going to be mean to me. He can be very nice sometimes but he can also be very short tempered and quick to anger, he often reacts and never stops to think things through, everything has to be explained to him... sometimes it feels like i'm the parent and he's the child! He plans on retiring in a couple years and he wants to move to North Carolina, and he wants me to come visit all the time and go fishing with him. He doesn't even fish!! He thinks that I love fishing but I don't, and I've told him that! I was into it for a little while but it was always just a casual thing, and it's been like 4 years now since I've even done it! He's pretty oblivious to me and my interests even though we're around eachother a lot.
I'm sorry that things are kinda rocky with your parents too. as for my mom I think she will just think it's weird but I don't think she will be mad at me and shut me out. She might not reach out to me but I think if I were to call her up she would answer, I dunno. ugh.... this is the hardest part! this is why I've been putting it off so long!
Quote from: Allison S on March 27, 2018, 09:55:57 PM
Sorry to hear about your dad! I know how that goes but for different reasons. I think people at your job probably look down on your dad. Whenever someone bashes others it shows bad character, I think. I don't know how your job is, but there's other trans women that are out at their jobs in construction. My cis friend just mentioned to me a trans person that works in the field. I think it's awesome!
I'm dreading April too, I actually have to do the same things for the most part. I just wanna transition in peace and have everything stay exactly the same for a year or two. But, yeah, the opposite is more likely. Good luck!!
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Yeah, sometimes at work when my dad goes off to do something I vent my frustrations and some of the guys agree with me. I think he just really needs to retire. He's worked really hard over the years and he's done a great job and now he's just developed a bad attitude and I think it's going to ruin his legacy. and yeah I'm sure there's trans women who work construction, but I really don't want to be one of them lol. It's a very physical job and every time I bump my leg on something I think "oh no! that's going to leave a bruise! I won't be able to wear a skirt for a while!", and I see a lot of the people who have done it for a while develop muscle problems, and I don't want that to be me in 20 years.
also, Allison and Danielle, thank you so much for all your responses to my posts, it makes me feel better that someone is listening! A lot of times even my own friends don't respond to stuff I post in my secret facebook group and I get discouraged :(
oh, and this dad stuff is working its way into my dreams. last night I had a dream where I was downtown and there was a huge flood and one of the rivers in town was actually flowing backwards and my dad fell in. I knew he was never coming back out and it made me really sad, but I accepted the fact that he was gone. I hired a team of people to find the stuff he had on him when he went in and someone brought up something that had involved teeth. That's kinda funny because yesterday on the way home someone brought up braces and my dad mentioned how I never had them, and then I said that I did have some pretty big gaps between my teeth and then with pride he said "that's a family trait! you wouldn't want to get rid of that!"... ugh, I really want braces now!!
Hi Maddie, I see this is an emotional time with hrt moving and your Dad. I don't understand why people are so dorky. I hope they're going to move but it seems these are the type of people who will push it until the last day. Sorry to sound like a wiener. I wish you luck with your dad. My dad passed away but I still have my mom to contend with not to mention brothers. I am the middle of five but the biggest one. I am heavily muscled right now. My defense against stress after I begin hrt that will change. For your sanity choose a way and time to tell your dad. He has to have an idea something is up you are very feminine looking now. Good luck. Corrina
Maddie, I think going through transition we tend to understand more. Not that cis people can't or don't try, but it's a bit different for them.
No offense but sounds like your dad is losing it? I know my siblings and I can agree my dad is at that point at 65 where he is very off with things and having early signs of going senile. But then again, that's early for his age. It could be that's how he's always been and I just haven't tried to pay attention before. But it's gotten worse.
Sounds like you need a break from your dad if you're having dreams like that!
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Quote from: Allison S on March 28, 2018, 09:44:08 PM
Maddie, I think going through transition we tend to understand more. Not that cis people can't or don't try, but it's a bit different for them.
No offense but sounds like your dad is losing it? I know my siblings and I can agree my dad is at that point at 65 where he is very off with things and having early signs of going senile. But then again, that's early for his age. It could be that's how he's always been and I just haven't tried to pay attention before. But it's gotten worse.
Sounds like you need a break from your dad if you're having dreams like that!
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oh yes, it definitely seems like he's losing it, which is one more reason I think he needs to retire. He remarried and i'm actually really glad that he has his wife to take care of him, I'm not sure if my sister and I could handle him without her
and on a lighter note, I got out of work early today and cleaned myself up and decided to play around with my makeup! after last weekend I wanted to work on a way lighter look, so I just did some eyes shadow, mascara, lipstick, and concealer, and I really like how I look!! a lot more natural. I think I should still add a little foundation but I feel more confident like this and it didn't take as long. Oh and I'm rockin my new Intelligentsia coffee tank top that danielle requested a picture of in another thread :)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29790376_10155226708056373_8847659200029713004_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=6678ac623b1df4d8c85defa8a384da08&oe=5B720E4E)
Quote from: Maddie86 on March 30, 2018, 03:05:48 PM
oh yes, it definitely seems like he's losing it, which is one more reason I think he needs to retire. He remarried and i'm actually really glad that he has his wife to take care of him, I'm not sure if my sister and I could handle him without her
and on a lighter note, I got out of work early today and cleaned myself up and decided to play around with my makeup! after last weekend I wanted to work on a way lighter look, so I just did some eyes shadow, mascara, lipstick, and concealer, and I really like how I look!! a lot more natural. I think I should still add a little foundation but I feel more confident like this and it didn't take as long. Oh and I'm rockin my new Intelligentsia coffee tank top that danielle requested a picture of in another thread :)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/29790376_10155226708056373_8847659200029713004_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=6678ac623b1df4d8c85defa8a384da08&oe=5B720E4E)
Dear
Maddie: Thank you for posting your picture (per my request!!) of wear you wearingyour new Tank Top and holding a cup of your favorite $11 per bag coffee.
No kidding here,
YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC !!!
Please continue to keep us all updated regarding your transition journey.
Hugs,
Danielle
Hi Maddie,
You have a lot going on without transition let alone transitioning.
I think you have a great plan working on your own. It sounds like your dad is not supporting now and a bit abusive. A little distance will be good.
As far as transitioning, you have a lot going on and making very good progress. So remember to look back and review all your progress and not just look forward at all that needs to be done. When things got heavy and the future looked to be too much I shortened what I needed to do to manageable pieces. When things get too much I skipped a few things and relieved the mounting stress.
Good luck in April.
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 30, 2018, 03:55:37 PM
Dear Maddie: Thank you for posting your picture (per my request!!) of wear you wearingyour new Tank Top and holding a cup of your favorite $11 per bag coffee.
No kidding here, YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC !!!
Please continue to keep us all updated regarding your transition journey.
Hugs,
Danielle
Thank you!!
and here's an update: my friend who owns the apartment I'm moving into said that he drove by earlier and there was a uhaul truck there, so those other tenants are moving out! He will know for sure by Monday if they're gone and then he's going to call a locksmith and I can hopefully start moving in next weekend! this is so exciting!!!
Quote from: Rachel on March 30, 2018, 04:23:06 PM
Hi Maddie,
You have a lot going on without transition let alone transitioning.
I think you have a great plan working on your own. It sounds like your dad is not supporting now and a bit abusive. A little distance will be good.
As far as transitioning, you have a lot going on and making very good progress. So remember to look back and review all your progress and not just look forward at all that needs to be done. When things got heavy and the future looked to be too much I shortened what I needed to do to manageable pieces. When things get too much I skipped a few things and relieved the mounting stress.
Good luck in April.
Thanks :)
Yay!! So exciting that you're moving to a new apartment.. that's your very own!! I can't wait to do the same [emoji4]
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So I'm kind of bummed. I was planning on dressing up as Maddie next weekend for my friend's birthday dinner but the more I think about it the more it seems like a bad idea. First off, there's an event that night that I was involved with planning and it's been in the works for months, but then last week I found out that my friend planned a birthday dinner for the same night, she said it was the only night she could do. I was ready to bail on my event because I knew that the whole night I would just be sad that I wasn't at dinner with my friends, but I'd feel so guilty doing that. but there's other reasons I don't want to go anymore.
Yesterday my one friend called me up. He's seriously like the only male that I still hang out with regularly. He's also dating the girl that's having the birthday dinner. He knew I was planning on dressing up and he wanted to give me a heads up that his girlfriend's brother was going to dinner with them. I've never met the guy before so he just wanted to let me know. Then he said he was concerned about me unintentionally making the night about me and not about his girlfriend. Some of the people at the dinner have seen me dressed up before, but others haven't. Honestly, the thought had crossed my mind, and I love my friend and I don't want to steal her thunder, but I shouldn't feel selfish for wanting to be myself! I actually asked her if it was ok if I dressed up and she said she didn't care. "I don't care" doesn't sound too enthusiastic and supportive to me, I have another friend who had a bday back in december and she actually told me that I should come dressed up and that everyone would be fine with it.
So I saw my male friend today and I asked him if his girlfriend asked him to talk to me when he called yesterday, but he said it wasn't the case, it was just something that crossed his mind that he wanted to address. He said that even though he knows I'm transitioning that I still think like a guy sometimes and that I might just talk about myself all night. I found that kinda offensive. At that point I realized that even if I dressed up I'm sure he would still call me by my male name all night and keep calling me "he" and "dude". I don't think it would be intentional, he's not mean spirited, he just honestly doesn't think of it and isn't sensitive to it.
On top of all this, I know I'm going to have a hard week at work and I'm hopefully going to start moving into my new apartment, and then with this event I'm working on it might all be too much to handle, on top of all that I don't wanna have to worry about getting all dolled up!
I'm bummed because he was worried about me making the night about me, and now I feel like I'm going to be doing that anyways... if I dress up it's because I want all eyes on me, and if I don't go then it's because I can't have my way and I'm being a selfish brat. I hate this. I need a hug.
Maddie: What a catch 22 that you are involved in dressing as Maddie when you go to your girlfriend's Birthday Party.
You have already been thinking about all the possibilities, and possible good things and possible problems with that... so obviously you are the one to make the final decision on what you are going to do.....
........... it will be interesting seeing your update the next morning after the party.
So, per your request........ see below:
Hugs, Danielle
NOTE: I AM SENDING YOU A BIG AND ALSO A COUPLE BIGGER HUGS....
Hug Hug Hug
Quote from: Maddie86 on March 30, 2018, 08:00:00 PM
Thank you!!
and here's an update: my friend who owns the apartment I'm moving into said that he drove by earlier and there was a uhaul truck there, so those other tenants are moving out! He will know for sure by Monday if they're gone and then he's going to call a locksmith and I can hopefully start moving in next weekend! this is so exciting!!!
Maddie: I am hoping that your apartment arrangements will happen as you have planned.
It will be good for you in a
lot of ways to have your own place... you won't have to sneak out of your mom's house in female mode among other things. Updates will obviously be good for all of us to see.
Hugs, Danielle
I think you should go to your friend's birthday dinner the way YOU want to go. And I think that's as yourself.. don't let others decide for you is my opinion. It's a hard situation to be in.. with friends like that..
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Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 31, 2018, 10:12:07 PM
NOTE: I AM SENDING YOU A BIG AND ALSO A COUPLE BIGGER HUGS....
Hug Hug Hug
Thanks :)
So this morning my friend got at me to go for a walk, which I was happy about. She said how she was excited for next saturday and then I told her that I didn't know what to do and I voiced my concerns. I didn't get any bad vibes from her, I think it was mostly her boyfriend doing the worrying, but she told me I can come however I wanted, she just told me that she wants me to be there and she wants me to be comfortable. I still feel like I can't ditch out on my prior obligations though, which she said she understands, so I think I'm just going to go to my event for most of the night and leave a little early to catch up with my friends after dinner, still in male mode unfortunately. Doing both in one night will make me feel rushed and I hate that, because that's when I get nervous and don't do a good job with my makeup. This is just going to be a night of me playing things by ear I guess, we'll see what happens.
oh, and to add insult to injury, I actually got a package from Amazon delivered today. It was the high heels I ordered to wear to dinner. :-\
Ah! So much to update! I usually visit Susan's a couple times a day but I don't think I've been on here since Friday night or saturday morning! I'll break things down I guess...
Apartment: I finally got to go see my apartment in person! I met my friend there Friday night. The woman who was living there with her boyfriend and dogs finally got all of her stuff out on thursday, so when I went with the landlord it was his first time seeing the apartment since she left, and unfortunately it was trashed pretty bad. All of her stuff was out but the place was disgusting, she must have been the biggest slob! The dogs totally ruined the carpet, the apartment smelled like poo and there were so many stains on the rug. One of the windows was even left open, I went to pull up the blinds and when I pulled the string they came off their clips and fell right on the floor! The walls had stains all over them, there's a shelf with glass doors on them and one of them was broken, and the bedroom door had come off the bottom hinge. Ok so I know this sounds bad, but I took some measurements and I think the size of the place is pretty much perfect for me. I do wish there was a little more room, but I think it's going to be ok, it's actually bigger than it looks in the pictures I saw. My friend told me that he was going to get the place professionally cleaned, and then the next day he told me he was replacing the carpet and getting the walls repainted. He left before I did, so he didn't see the blinds fall and he didn't notice the bedroom door issue, but he said he would fix them and he said the locksmith was coming soon, so things are shaping up! I'm hoping that I can start moving stuff in by Friday because I'm taking Friday off work for an appointment. Also, Sunday morning I bought a couch!! It should fit perfectly against this one wall, I just hope we don't run into any issues moving it in, but it's nice and it's comfy and I got it on sale for $260! There are a couple things I don't like about the apartment though... It's actually in a different neighborhood than I thought. It's funny, a couple blocks up the road it becomes a lot nicer, but the spot I'm in isn't too bad. The other thing I don't like is that there's only one entrance, I really wish there was a back door, if I'm cooking out I have to go out to the front and walk all the way around to the back of the house to grill. I'm going to be parking my car out back, I wish I could just have a more direct way to the back of the house so I'm not seen as much by the neighbors. oh well.
Saturday night:
so my last post voiced my concerns about my friend's birthday dinner. I had an event that night that I helped organize, so I was really torn between the two, but I worked everything out. The people I organized the event with said they were fine with me leaving early, so I got there at 2 to help set up and then I left at 8 to go get ready to meet my friends. They had dinner at 7, so I knew I would miss the meal, but the plan was to meet them at my friends' house after. Well they ended up going to the bar part of the restaurant after their meal, so I ended up meeting them there, I unexpectedly went in public again as Maddie :) I just talked to my friends while I was there, and other than that I kept to myself, I didn't really talk to anyone who worked at the restaurant aside from the bartender that my friends all knew pretty well. When I got there a couple of my friends were outside smoking, so it was a relief that I could walk in with them. The birthday girl's brother was there and I never met him before, when we were introduced he did kinda have a judgemental smile but he didn't really say anything. Everyone else that I was meeting though was a friend of mine, and they all knew about my transition but a few of them had never seen me dressed in person before, this was their first time and it went well... at first. at one point I was talking to the birthday girl and her boyfriend comes up and dead named me pretty loud, and my friend's brother definitely heard him. I just froze, and so did the birthday girl. She just stared at her bf for a minute and then she just said "Maddie..." and then he was all apologetic and said "i'm sorry dude, I didn't realize that was a thing...", and then I saw him go over and say something to the other 2 guys that were with us. ugh. The birthday girl's brother left though and he called me Maddie and said it was nice to meet me, so that was nice of him. Then we ended up going back to my friends' house. It was pretty fun aside from the fact that I did get dead named a few more times by the guys and I was still referred to as "he" a lot. It's kinda funny, out of the 3 guys there I was pretty close to 2 of them, and the guy that I wasn't as close with is the one who was best with the whole name thing, he just avoided naming me at all lol, I could tell that he was doing it and I'm actually glad that he made an effort not to dead name me. I'm going to have to have a talk with the other guys though. I have a couple funny stories from the party but this post is already long enough lol, maybe some other time.
Lady Fest: So the event that I was part of organizing was a 2 day "lady fest". The festival was started 18 years ago in Washington but anyone can book one in their town at any time, so some friends and I set one up. It was great, we had a diverse lineup of female/trans fronted punk, folk, hip hop, rock, and poetry, and upstairs we had some organizations tabling and giving out info and there were also some people up there doing craft workshops, it was really cool! A few of the acts actually gave me goosebumps, they were that good! It was such a nice friendly environment, lots of positivity and good vibes!
So that's it for now, I think. I'll update again this weekend, Friday I'm going to the doctor and I'll have my new hormone levels and then Saturday I'm going to visit my friend in Rochester and we're gunna go shopping!! I'm so excited, I realllllly need new clothes! I'll update again on here Sunday. Here's a couple pics from this weekend, I dressed casual and went easy on the makeup. Sorry the lighting was bad! This is Waylon, he loves to give kisses and if he likes you then he tends to sit on you! he likes me!
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30441029_10155245095006373_8526975499990096967_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=7290b10ccbd6301ad39fb19c2af04c0b&oe=5B6D2B5A)
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30412161_10155245095636373_907838554497943307_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=0085dcbfbbd05c157ab8f21030e9214d&oe=5B6C9ED2)
Quote from: Maddie86 on April 09, 2018, 08:46:28 PM
Ah! So much to update! I usually visit Susan's a couple times a day but I don't think I've been on here since Friday night or saturday morning! I'll break things down I guess...
Apartment: I finally got to go see my apartment in person! I met my friend there Friday night. The woman who was living there with her boyfriend and dogs finally got all of her stuff out on thursday, so when I went with the landlord it was his first time seeing the apartment since she left, and unfortunately it was trashed pretty bad. All of her stuff was out but the place was disgusting, she must have been the biggest slob! The dogs totally ruined the carpet, the apartment smelled like poo and there were so many stains on the rug. One of the windows was even left open, I went to pull up the blinds and when I pulled the string they came off their clips and fell right on the floor! The walls had stains all over them, there's a shelf with glass doors on them and one of them was broken, and the bedroom door had come off the bottom hinge. Ok so I know this sounds bad, but I took some measurements and I think the size of the place is pretty much perfect for me. I do wish there was a little more room, but I think it's going to be ok, it's actually bigger than it looks in the pictures I saw. My friend told me that he was going to get the place professionally cleaned, and then the next day he told me he was replacing the carpet and getting the walls repainted. He left before I did, so he didn't see the blinds fall and he didn't notice the bedroom door issue, but he said he would fix them and he said the locksmith was coming soon, so things are shaping up! I'm hoping that I can start moving stuff in by Friday because I'm taking Friday off work for an appointment. Also, Sunday morning I bought a couch!! It should fit perfectly against this one wall, I just hope we don't run into any issues moving it in, but it's nice and it's comfy and I got it on sale for $260! There are a couple things I don't like about the apartment though... It's actually in a different neighborhood than I thought. It's funny, a couple blocks up the road it becomes a lot nicer, but the spot I'm in isn't too bad. The other thing I don't like is that there's only one entrance, I really wish there was a back door, if I'm cooking out I have to go out to the front and walk all the way around to the back of the house to grill. I'm going to be parking my car out back, I wish I could just have a more direct way to the back of the house so I'm not seen as much by the neighbors. oh well.
Saturday night:
so my last post voiced my concerns about my friend's birthday dinner. I had an event that night that I helped organize, so I was really torn between the two, but I worked everything out. The people I organized the event with said they were fine with me leaving early, so I got there at 2 to help set up and then I left at 8 to go get ready to meet my friends. They had dinner at 7, so I knew I would miss the meal, but the plan was to meet them at my friends' house after. Well they ended up going to the bar part of the restaurant after their meal, so I ended up meeting them there, I unexpectedly went in public again as Maddie :) I just talked to my friends while I was there, and other than that I kept to myself, I didn't really talk to anyone who worked at the restaurant aside from the bartender that my friends all knew pretty well. When I got there a couple of my friends were outside smoking, so it was a relief that I could walk in with them. The birthday girl's brother was there and I never met him before, when we were introduced he did kinda have a judgemental smile but he didn't really say anything. Everyone else that I was meeting though was a friend of mine, and they all knew about my transition but a few of them had never seen me dressed in person before, this was their first time and it went well... at first. at one point I was talking to the birthday girl and her boyfriend comes up and dead named me pretty loud, and my friend's brother definitely heard him. I just froze, and so did the birthday girl. She just stared at her bf for a minute and then she just said "Maddie..." and then he was all apologetic and said "i'm sorry dude, I didn't realize that was a thing...", and then I saw him go over and say something to the other 2 guys that were with us. ugh. The birthday girl's brother left though and he called me Maddie and said it was nice to meet me, so that was nice of him. Then we ended up going back to my friends' house. It was pretty fun aside from the fact that I did get dead named a few more times by the guys and I was still referred to as "he" a lot. It's kinda funny, out of the 3 guys there I was pretty close to 2 of them, and the guy that I wasn't as close with is the one who was best with the whole name thing, he just avoided naming me at all lol, I could tell that he was doing it and I'm actually glad that he made an effort not to dead name me. I'm going to have to have a talk with the other guys though. I have a couple funny stories from the party but this post is already long enough lol, maybe some other time.
Lady Fest: So the event that I was part of organizing was a 2 day "lady fest". The festival was started 18 years ago in Washington but anyone can book one in their town at any time, so some friends and I set one up. It was great, we had a diverse lineup of female/trans fronted punk, folk, hip hop, rock, and poetry, and upstairs we had some organizations tabling and giving out info and there were also some people up there doing craft workshops, it was really cool! A few of the acts actually gave me goosebumps, they were that good! It was such a nice friendly environment, lots of positivity and good vibes!
So that's it for now, I think. I'll update again this weekend, Friday I'm going to the doctor and I'll have my new hormone levels and then Saturday I'm going to visit my friend in Rochester and we're gunna go shopping!! I'm so excited, I realllllly need new clothes! I'll update again on here Sunday. Here's a couple pics from this weekend, I dressed casual and went easy on the makeup. Sorry the lighting was bad! This is Waylon, he loves to give kisses and if he likes you then he tends to sit on you! he likes me!
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30441029_10155245095006373_8526975499990096967_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=7290b10ccbd6301ad39fb19c2af04c0b&oe=5B6D2B5A)
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Aww how adorable!! I love Waylon [emoji7][emoji7]
Thanks for sharing your new apartment updates (she does sound like a huge slob). It must be so much fun buying a couch and soon moving in to sit on it!! The little things really do matter [emoji4]
And you did go to femme to the birthday! It sounds like they were awkward about it. I think you handled things well and you continue to strive to be your authentic self. That's admirable [emoji846] I know it's not easy with jerks out there.
Please do share more details (as you feel comfortable and have time for). I'm really enjoying following your journey. This is a healing process and you're helping me more than you know through hearing about your experiences... and seeing your beautiful photos too of course!
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Quote from: Allison S on April 09, 2018, 09:57:43 PM
Aww how adorable!! I love Waylon [emoji7][emoji7]
Thanks for sharing your new apartment updates (she does sound like a huge slob). It must be so much fun buying a couch and soon moving in to sit on it!! The little things really do matter [emoji4]
And you did go to femme to the birthday! It sounds like they were awkward about it. I think you handled things well and you continue to strive to be your authentic self. That's admirable [emoji846] I know it's not easy with jerks out there.
Please do share more details (as you feel comfortable and have time for). I'm really enjoying following your journey. This is a healing process and you're helping me more than you know through hearing about your experiences... and seeing your beautiful photos too of course!
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aw, thank you! <3 I'm glad SOMEONE likes my posts lol
also, I forgot to mention, that Lady Fest event that I posted about was to raise money for charity, we raised around $1000 to split between Trans Lifeline and our local ywca!
Quote from: Maddie86 on April 10, 2018, 06:47:15 PM
aw, thank you! <3 I'm glad SOMEONE likes my posts lol
also, I forgot to mention, that Lady Fest event that I posted about was to raise money for charity, we raised around $1000 to split between Trans Lifeline and our local ywca!
@ Maddie: Please know that I (and undoubtedly many others) keep up with your posts and replies on this thread of yours and other various threads that you reply post to. .... and I enjoy seeing your terrific pictures that you often post.... you are absolutely beautiful with a wonderful and alluring smile.... and of course all of that long curly hair makes many of us envious !!!
.... and keep us updated about your new apartment and pictures of your move-in day would be great. ... and even though your apartment apparently needs your fix-up and clean up efforts I have no doubt that you will make it a nice place to call your home.
,,,, and thanks for reporting about the birthday party... I was wondering about how that would turn out for you.
Yes, we will be looking forward to your upcoming Friday update with your doctor, and we will want to see more pictures after your shopping trip... we want to see the clothes you bought... with you wearing them!!!
Hugs and hugs.... and please keep your updates coming.
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on April 11, 2018, 12:34:36 AM
@ Maddie: Please know that I (and undoubtedly many others) keep up with your posts and replies on this thread of yours and other various threads that you reply post to. .... and I enjoy seeing your terrific pictures that you often post.... you are absolutely beautiful with a wonderful and alluring smile.... and of course all of that long curly hair makes many of us envious !!!
.... and keep us updated about your new apartment and pictures of your move-in day would be great. ... and even though your apartment apparently needs your fix-up and clean up efforts I have no doubt that you will make it a nice place to call your home.
,,,, and thanks for reporting about the birthday party... I was wondering about how that would turn out for you.
Yes, we will be looking forward to your upcoming Friday update with your doctor, and we will want to see more pictures after your shopping trip... we want to see the clothes you bought... with you wearing them!!!
Hugs and hugs.... and please keep your updates coming.
Danielle
awww thanks, you're so sweet! I love your new profile pic btw :)
ok, weekend update part one!
The apartment still isn't ready to move into, ugh. I started taking a few smaller things in and I stuffed them in the closet for now, but it's still being painted and the new carpet hasn't been put in yet. The old carpet is gone at least and it does smell better, but I can't really move anything into the living room until the carpet is in there, and the kitchen isn't painted yet so I can't really do anything in there, and the bathroom needs to be painted too, but those are the last 2 rooms, hopefully everything will be done monday, which is also when I'm getting my new mattress, yay!
This morning I went out for breakfast, and then I had a nice walk with a friend, then I went to Wal-Mart and bought a bunch of stuff (mostly towels lol) and then a little later I had a doctor's visit. My potassium has gone down since my last visit, which is good, and my testosterone is still less than 20 nl/dL, so that's great (the lab I go to doesn't give numbers lower than 20), but my estrogen still needs to go up a bit, I'm only at 62.5 pg/mL, and the goal is to get me to 100 or more. I'm up from my last visit, I was at 47.3, which is nice but I was really hoping for higher. He said I could increase my estrogen if I want, so I'm going to, and hopefully it gets me closer to where I want to be
Great update! Definitely an increase in estrogen is something that, given results, can be so important. I think it's great to take things slow but I'm wanting to accelerate my progress.
You'll be in your apartment and sleeping on that new mattress in no time [emoji4]
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Quote from: Allison S on April 13, 2018, 09:43:44 PM
Great update! Definitely an increase in estrogen is something that, given results, can be so important. I think it's great to take things slow but I'm wanting to accelerate my progress.
You'll be in your apartment and sleeping on that new mattress in no time [emoji4]
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thank you so much for always posting positive comments on here! it means a lot!
so weekend update part 2:
I went up to Rochester last night and slept over at a friend's house and had some girl time. I was really hoping I'd find a ton of great clothes up there but I totally struck out. We went to a mall and went in Penneys, Macy's, Charlotte Russe, Torrid, and Loft and Taylor... nothing interesting. After that we went to Target though and I'm pretty happy with that visit. We both went to the ladies room when we got there, this was only my 2nd time using one in public! It was actually pretty gross in there lol. Anywayssss.... Target had a bunch of cute clothes but nothing really "me". I did find something though that I've been wanting for a couple years now... a floppy hat! I've always thought they were so cute, and now I finally have one! I really like the way it looks on me, but I still need another one or two because this one is black and I'd like some lighter ones as well. I also got a pair of sunglasses that look nice with the hat! After Target we went to Old Navy and I got a pretty basic black dress. It needs a belt, but I like it! Now I just need some black sandals and I'll have a nice dark summer look hehe
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I tried on some jeans in Old Navy too (first time putting female clothes on in a public dressing room!) and unfortunately they didn't fit too good, which was a bummer because they were cute. The first pair just wasn't a good cut, and then the 2nd pair wasn't a good fit, they were skinny jeans that were pretty loose around my thighs. darn. the search continues... In a couple weeks I think I'm going to do an emergency shopping trip to Syracuse, they have a big mall up there and it will be the weekend before I come out.
So after shopping we went out to dinner. The waitress was super nice and the food was decent. I was kinda bummed after dinner though, we got back to the car and I looked in the mirror and my lipstick looked awful! I thought I looked like a clown but my friend said it was fine. I ate everything with a fork, so it shouldn't have smeared like that. I really love the color and it's an expensive brand so this is very disappointing, I might have to try something new. After dinner we went to this really good dairy/creamery for ice cream. This was my 3rd time there and it's absolutely my favorite ice cream I've ever had! We got it in cups to take back to her place and then we watched a movie (Bad Moms).
So while I wish I did better shopping, it was still a really fun night! No one misgendered me and all the servers/retail workers were really nice and polite to me. I heard some laughter from a couple pre-teen boys when I was at the mall that I thought might have been directed at me, but I'm not positive. and when I walked by a group of older guys on my way into the restaurant I heard one of them say the word "->-bleeped-<-", but oddly enough I think it may have been a coincidence, it sounded like he was telling a story to his friends, I dunno.
And another quick apartment update... I stopped by this afternoon to unload my new headboard. The carpet still hasn't been put in yet but it looks like the painting is done! yay! I texted my landlord and he said that he found out that the carpet had to be ordered and it should be coming in tomorrow, so hopefully by tuesday it will be installed. I went to Wal-Mart and Target today too and bought a lot of stuff for it, mainly cleaning supplies. I still need a table though, and a new couch. I ordered a couch last week but the one that came in for me was sold to someone else. They said they had more coming but I looked at reviews of it online and they're pretty bad, so I'm going to look around for something better.
Thanks for reading!
Maddie, it sounds like you had a great time out. I am very happy for you. I agree the first few time going into the woman's room was tough, it gets easier, than second nature.