I've started this thread because sometimes we have something we want to talk about but don't necessarily want all the answers, many times we just want someone to listen, offer a few kind words of understanding and a hug.
It has been said that it is a very male trait to offer solutions to problems, and that can be helpful a lot of the time, but sometimes you're just not having a good day and don't want someone to jump in and offer their opinion on how to fix it.
There are some wonderful threads here offering good, uplifting, and positive advice, and that makes this site great, however sometimes when you are feeling down reading about how well others are doing and getting their opinion only makes you feel worse in yourself, so the idea behind this thread is for us to say what's on our minds and to be respected and supported, I don't know if it'll fly but just throwing the idea out there.
Hi Nicole
Nice to hear from you its always nice to have someone to confide to does not matter on what subject i dont profess to know much i am just your average guy but i like to listen to people and discuss issues any assistance i can give makes me feel good to help have a nice day
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Hi Nicole, and thank you for the thread.
For the last few weeks I have been constantly angry, a bit depressed and in a dark place mentally. I've had death on my mind a lot, and the other day I told my best friend that I was planning on committing suicide soon. He was the only person I told, since telling anyone else would only lead to hospitals and people trying to talk me out of it. I told him that it wasn't that I wanted to die, but was just tired of living. He tried talking me out of it and asked me to at least reconsider it before doing anything like that. Today, I'm not planning on taking my own life, and I don't know that I would have ever really gone through with it in the first place. I was just hurting and wanted it to stop. The funny thing is that what really made me change my outlook on taking my own life was that if I did, then I wouldn't be able to transition, and I would really like to see myself become the woman I was meant to be. I can't do that in the cemetery.
Don't worry, as I'm writing this I am NOT suicidal. Yes, I've had suicidal thoughts lately and have shared and will share some more with my therapist about such ideas. Besides my friend and my therapist, this is the first time I've really told anyone about my wanting to leave this world. I don't know, I just don't want to keep this burden all bottled up inside me. Thank you Nicole for giving me a place to unload this negativity.
Hi Danielle,
Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you are feeling better, we'd all love to see you become the woman you want to be too.
Hugs
Nicole
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on June 10, 2018, 08:21:19 PM
Hi Nicole, and thank you for the thread.
For the last few weeks I have been constantly angry, a bit depressed and in a dark place mentally. I've had death on my mind a lot, and the other day I told my best friend that I was planning on committing suicide soon. He was the only person I told, since telling anyone else would only lead to hospitals and people trying to talk me out of it. I told him that it wasn't that I wanted to die, but was just tired of living. He tried talking me out of it and asked me to at least reconsider it before doing anything like that. Today, I'm not planning on taking my own life, and I don't know that I would have ever really gone through with it in the first place. I was just hurting and wanted it to stop. The funny thing is that what really made me change my outlook on taking my own life was that if I did, then I wouldn't be able to transition, and I would really like to see myself become the woman I was meant to be. I can't do that in the cemetery.
Don't worry, as I'm writing this I am NOT suicidal. Yes, I've had suicidal thoughts lately and have shared and will share some more with my therapist about such ideas. Besides my friend and my therapist, this is the first time I've really told anyone about my wanting to leave this world. I don't know, I just don't want to keep this burden all bottled up inside me. Thank you Nicole for giving me a place to unload this negativity.
Great idea to speak with your friend. We're trans beings, and human... our feelings and emotions can be hurt too.
I've felt the same way, wanting to see what will happen by sticking around.
I'm just very confused. I just turned 28 and I've never been in a relationship or even been intimate really. At least not for a very long time. Being around guys makes me super insecure and even uncomfortable. Right now where I've been meeting guys they've been a bit too aggressive for me. I think I'll keep my boundaries in place for a while.
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I'm listening to all of you whether I reply or not. I think that this thread is a really great idea.
My relationship is under a tremendous strain right now, or it's already failed.
We were evicted two weeks ago and we're living in our car and occasionally in the resort my spouse works for. So far we've mostly kept a positive attitude while we collect the money to fund a new place.
On top of that we haven't had sex since I came out trans 4 years ago and unlike so many, HRT brought back my libido. At that time my spouse said that she would stay with me while I transition but wouldn't stay after I finished. Two years ago she said that she wanted a divorce but wanted us to live together after. She hasn't pursued the divorce as of yet.
All this leaves a lot of strain and ambiguity and ambiguity is the one thing that torques me the most. I don't have a partner, I have a roommate, and yet I don't feel free to find someone new. How many lesbian or bisexual women are gonna want a 59 year old pre-op transexual anyway?
The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.
QuoteAll this leaves a lot of strain and ambiguity and ambiguity is the one thing that torques me the most. I don't have a partner, I have a roommate, and yet I don't feel free to find someone new.
This is my situation to the letter and I just want to say that I feel what you're saying.
Quote from: Allison S on June 10, 2018, 08:37:33 PM
I'm just very confused. I just turned 28 and I've never been in a relationship or even been intimate really. At least not for a very long time. Being around guys makes me super insecure and even uncomfortable. Right now where I've been meeting guys they've been a bit too aggressive for me. I think I'll keep my boundaries in place for a while.
I was a late bloomer so appreciate your insecurities and discomfort, stay safe.
Hugs
Quote from: Dee Marshall on June 10, 2018, 08:52:57 PM
I'm listening to all of you whether I reply or not. I think that this thread is a really great idea.
My relationship is under a tremendous strain right now, or it's already failed.
We were evicted two weeks ago and we're living in our car and occasionally in the resort my spouse works for. So far we've mostly kept a positive attitude while we collect the money to fund a new place.
Dee, I feel your pain on the home front and relationship, it must be a very difficult time for you both. I hope you are able to find somewhere to live soon.
Big hugs
Nicole
Quote from: Allison S on June 10, 2018, 08:37:33 PM
Great idea to speak with your friend. We're trans beings, and human... our feelings and emotions can be hurt too.
I've felt the same way, wanting to see what will happen by sticking around.
I'm just very confused. I just turned 28 and I've never been in a relationship or even been intimate really. At least not for a very long time. Being around guys makes me super insecure and even uncomfortable. Right now where I've been meeting guys they've been a bit too aggressive for me. I think I'll keep my boundaries in place for a while.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
@Allison S Dear Allison: For over a year and a half of being Full-time, I never dated... slow and careful was the right way to go for me. Yes, some guys are very aggressive but I have found that there are a lot of them that are considerate, kind, and act like gentlemen. I also found several female suitors that are not quite as shy as the male suitors.... I am just wondering that now that they know my "secret" is if they feel more comfortable with me especially that they know that I am a trans-woman.???... hmmm, interesting to think about.
In conclusion, SLOW and CAREFUL, keep your hormones and emotions in check.
Hugs,
Danielle
Dear Nicole70 Your new thread is a great idea and will help those through their difficult and frustrating times by reading about others similar frustrations and disappointments in their own transition journey.
Allowing them to identify with the transitions issues that may be similar to their own can be very helpful indeed.
I will keep checking on your thread frequently... nicely done.
Hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: Dee Marshall on June 10, 2018, 08:52:57 PM
I'm listening to all of you whether I reply or not. I think that this thread is a really great idea.
My relationship is under a tremendous strain right now, or it's already failed.
We were evicted two weeks ago and we're living in our car and occasionally in the resort my spouse works for. So far we've mostly kept a positive attitude while we collect the money to fund a new place.
On top of that we haven't had sex since I came out trans 4 years ago and unlike so many, HRT brought back my libido. At that time my spouse said that she would stay with me while I transition but wouldn't stay after I finished. Two years ago she said that she wanted a divorce but wanted us to live together after. She hasn't pursued the divorce as of yet.
All this leaves a lot of strain and ambiguity and ambiguity is the one thing that torques me the most. I don't have a partner, I have a roommate, and yet I don't feel free to find someone new. How many lesbian or bisexual women are gonna want a 59 year old pre-op transexual anyway?
The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.
@Dee Marshall Dear Dee, My heartfelt well wishes go out to you. Regarding the spouse of a transitioning partner, that can be the most difficult thing to cope with.
You don't have to read too many postings on the Forums to see that you are not alone with the issues and difficulties that you mention in your reply comment.
While you are reading some of the other postings you also will see that there are times that things do work out OK with married couples in a transition situation. Take it upon yourself to communicate with some of those that write about getting along with their spouse, there may be suggestions available that might help you and your wife come to a better place in your relationship.
Regarding sex and those kinds of relationships with your wife or perhaps with new partners, it is my opinion that should not be your primary concern right now... I am thinking that your priority task now is to heal your relationship with your wife.... I know, it is easier said than done, but please do give a big effort in that direction.
I, among others here, we are all rooting for you. Please keep us updated if you feel comfortable doing so.
Hugs and more hugs, and wishing you well,
Danielle
Quote from: Allison S on June 10, 2018, 08:37:33 PM
I'm just very confused. I just turned 28 and I've never been in a relationship or even been intimate really. At least not for a very long time. Being around guys makes me super insecure and even uncomfortable. Right now where I've been meeting guys they've been a bit too aggressive for me. I think I'll keep my boundaries in place for a while.
I wish I could say it was strange, Im almost 31 (will be this year) and I've never had a real relationship, jokingly said my longest relationship was for 3 days back in the ninth grade but the truth was we hooked up over an IM chat and by monday she played it off like nothing happen... I've been with women before but nothing more than a one nightstand. Ive always felt insecure the few times I let myself get close to people the random thoughts of what if they dont like the real me came up... well the real me is no longer hiding(doesnt change the fact Ive never found anyone I could open up to and be myself). Each time I ever really got close my anxiety would act up and push me away, if not that I forced myself away too afraid to show the real me...
Feels good to finally open up thank you for this thread.
I've struggled with really bad dysphoria over the past couple of weeks, my transition is progressing ok and I am happy about that but it doesn't distract too much from the feelings that I don't want my male appendage there any more, it was my first problem as a child and I know while those feelings while very real are pointless to linger on.
I have worried that my looks will never be passable, but at the same time know that I can never go back to being a man, I have found an inner peace as a woman that I have never had my entire life.
I feel quite guilty because I have a lot to be thankful for but I can't seem to control the dysphoric days, on those days I do feel envious about others successful transition stories and tend to not look too hard so I don't make myself feel worse.
Hey, I'm 25 and have never been in a relationship either, so there's plenty of people in the same boat.
Nicole
I just wish to second Dee's point: " I'm listening to all of you whether I reply or not. I think this thread is a really great idea".
At times all we need is a listening ear and to be sure we will not be judged. Even if we are depressed, others here will understand as they likely have encountered similar. We all need to vent at times.
This thread will certainly "fly". Thank you so much.
Hugs
Pamela
Kind of like a venting, but also comforting since people read it thread? I hope i'm doing this right.
So, Lynn's thread struck a chord with me, and I watched it tentatively for a bit until a few replies rolled in.
I have always wanted to be part of something, I always felt like an outsider looking in. And it's this strong passion for that which I think either pushes people away sometimes or just seems like it does. Before my transition, my whole basis of my being was because I wanted to connect with people, I wanted let them know who I am and what I care about, and I also am interested in knowing who other people are, and what they care about, too.
That is why I wanted to be a game designer. I made connections when I was younger, by being good at video games, and coaching/helping or just socializing with others because of it. I could never flat-out talk to people(at least not until the internet) and it was always because of my how I looked. Some days, even now, I tend to doubt or get anxious about my transition thinking that was that just self-esteem issues, or was it dysphoria and I didn't know it?
I did start transitioning before joining Susans, but it does seem like thanks to Susans, Twiiter, and even in real life, I'm able to connect with people like I had always wanted. So I worry sometimes, maybe I am just transitioning so I can feel like I belong, like I'm special. Even if that is the case, I think it's like, why does it make me feel special? And if that's important to me, then this is the correct answer, right?
I remember when I was telling my sister, I let it slip out that for the first time I actually considered maybe that I don't need to be a game designer anymore. And that's kind of scary, in it's own way, because that's been my life long goal and what I've built my entire life around, in some capacity. But at the same time, it was this feeling like, "I just want to try and make my mark on the world." I wasn't even looking at the life I am currently living, which is why I was very apathetic about taking care of my body or even my own life. But things are different now, I am living for the moment. I only have 1 life to live, and this is what I want to do to be happy, truly happy.
I think I just don't want to ever have to doubt myself as a woman, and until I get there. I'm always gonna have this creeping fear that when I haven't received a DM on Twitter/Susans, a like, a reply, a supportive message in some capacity for a long time that I'll freak out and be like, "What have I become?"
Quote from: Eryn T on June 11, 2018, 07:44:10 AM
Kind of like a venting, but also comforting since people read it thread? I hope i'm doing this right.
So, Lynn's thread struck a chord with me, and I watched it tentatively for a bit until a few replies rolled in.
I have always wanted to be part of something, I always felt like an outsider looking in. And it's this strong passion for that which I think either pushes people away sometimes or just seems like it does. Before my transition, my whole basis of my being was because I wanted to connect with people, I wanted let them know who I am and what I care about, and I also am interested in knowing who other people are, and what they care about, too.
That is why I wanted to be a game designer. I made connections when I was younger, by being good at video games, and coaching/helping or just socializing with others because of it. I could never flat-out talk to people(at least not until the internet) and it was always because of my how I looked. Some days, even now, I tend to doubt or get anxious about my transition thinking that was that just self-esteem issues, or was it dysphoria and I didn't know it?
I did start transitioning before joining Susans, but it does seem like thanks to Susans, Twiiter, and even in real life, I'm able to connect with people like I had always wanted. So I worry sometimes, maybe I am just transitioning so I can feel like I belong, like I'm special. Even if that is the case, I think it's like, why does it make me feel special? And if that's important to me, then this is the correct answer, right?
I remember when I was telling my sister, I let it slip out that for the first time I actually considered maybe that I don't need to be a game designer anymore. And that's kind of scary, in it's own way, because that's been my life long goal and what I've built my entire life around, in some capacity. But at the same time, it was this feeling like, "I just want to try and make my mark on the world." I wasn't even looking at the life I am currently living, which is why I was very apathetic about taking care of my body or even my own life. But things are different now, I am living for the moment. I only have 1 life to live, and this is what I want to do to be happy, truly happy.
I think I just don't want to ever have to doubt myself as a woman, and until I get there. I'm always gonna have this creeping fear that when I haven't received a DM on Twitter/Susans, a like, a reply, a supportive message in some capacity for a long time that I'll freak out and be like, "What have I become?"
I can relate to some of what you said, some i became quite the opposite however... hhmm
Also
I want to be a Voice Actress, maybe i will end up voicing one of your games lol
Quote from: Nicole70 on June 10, 2018, 09:24:32 PM
I was a late bloomer so appreciate your insecurities and discomfort, stay safe.
Hugs
Really? I never thought of it like that.
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 10, 2018, 09:34:17 PM
@Allison S
Dear Allison: For over a year and a half of being Full-time, I never dated... slow and careful was the right way to go for me. Yes, some guys are very aggressive but I have found that there are a lot of them that are considerate, kind, and act like gentlemen. I also found several female suitors that are not quite as shy as the male suitors.... I am just wondering that now that they know my "secret" is if they feel more comfortable with me especially that they know that I am a trans-woman.???... hmmm, interesting to think about.
In conclusion, SLOW and CAREFUL, keep your hormones and emotions in check.
Hugs,
Danielle
Thank you, Danielle [emoji173] I think we're similar...
Quote from: Amaki on June 10, 2018, 10:24:26 PM
I wish I could say it was strange, Im almost 31 (will be this year) and I've never had a real relationship, jokingly said my longest relationship was for 3 days back in the ninth grade but the truth was we hooked up over an IM chat and by monday she played it off like nothing happen... I've been with women before but nothing more than a one nightstand. Ive always felt insecure the few times I let myself get close to people the random thoughts of what if they dont like the real me came up... well the real me is no longer hiding(doesnt change the fact Ive never found anyone I could open up to and be myself). Each time I ever really got close my anxiety would act up and push me away, if not that I forced myself away too afraid to show the real me...
Feels good to finally open up thank you for this thread.
It's not easy. Hopefully for both of us things will get better with time.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Quote from: Allison S on June 11, 2018, 09:26:49 AM
Really? I never thought of it like that.
Thank you, Danielle [emoji173] I think we're similar...
It's not easy. Hopefully for both of us things will get better with time.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I too know what its like, havent really been in a relationship, 1 when i was a young teen with a guy, but it was kept secret his request but it lasted 6 months we didnt get too intimate tho atleast i would have liked to have gotten more intimate with him, then i dated atleast 1 other guy once LOL, we got abit intimate thats the extent of it LOL, pretty sad
ive had feelings for a couple of CIS girls as well but nothing happened with them
i havent been in a relationship or even dated anyone for atleast 6 years...
Nicole
Great idea to have a thread where we can let go of whatevers on our minds.
There have been some great threads on here about the struggles we all face in one form or another but a general dumping ground will 'fly'.
I have already read a couple of replies to thread that resonate with me. The dysphoria and the constant doubt that I'll ever get to be a passable woman and the need to be part of something especially struck a chord. I have not come out apart from on here so getting advice or to meet other trans girls or even just vent about some of the things that get me down or questions that I can't ask on every day life.
I'm so lucky though that I signed up to Susan's. I read about the progress girls are making despite the struggles and it gives me inspiration to keep on that road. I don't reply to many threads as I don't want to look like a desperado but I do listen intently and smile at the triumphs and feel the pain of the struggles of others.
I'm here if anyone needs to offload about anything at all - others have offered their support to me - be strong and safe. Strange as it sounds I get kinda euphoric just being able to write about my fears thoughts and experiences even if they're not all positive.
Ifeel like I've just went all over the place n made no sense now.
Megan x
snipped:
Quote from: CallmeMegan on June 11, 2018, 11:32:09 AM
Strange as it sounds I get kinda euphoric just being able to write about my fears thoughts and experiences even if they're not all positive.
Megan x
@CallmeMegan Dear Megan: No, it is not strange to feel euphoric regarding writing about your feelings.
I am a firm believer in keeping a personal pen and paper journal complete with doodling. I have kept a personal journal since my teenhood. In it I write down my disappointments, my failures, my frustrations... and also about my sucesses. Just writing to myself allows me to work out things in my mind and my life. I can ponder my most personal life issues and try to determine the possible solutions.
I find that my personal journal is very good therapy and helps me a lot. I also find that when I am feeling melancholy and have the time, I will sit down in a comfy chair and read over my various writings.... again, that is very therapeutic to recap my life's jouney from what I have written to myself.
For a little less personal stuff, writing about those issues on the various threads and Forums here and sharing with other like-minded members ... and thus allowing them to share their support and encouragement back to you is always good therapy as well..
Thank you for posting your thoughts here on
Nicole's "R U OK?" thread for all of us to read.
Wishing you well.
Hugs,
Danielle
This is an excellent thread. Sometimes you just want to be heard.
I'm doing ok today but the last 3 or 4 days were really tough emotionally. I'm recovering from surgery and getting used to my new look and my new life so a lot of doubts and fears came to the surface again. I covered most of it in my own thread (Charlie Nicki's diary). Today I'm feeling better and I really hope this positive feeling stays and gets bigger. Feeling depressed, lonely and scared is not pretty.
@Charlie Nicki
First up well done on going through the surgery and I hope that you find the changes to your appearance will also help to change the depressing feelings to more positive ones. Although I am in the very early stages of my own transitioning I have already gone through a lot of highs and even more lows.
I have though found the support of all on here to be a great help as I feel isolated quite a lot of the time.
Good luck with the recovery.
Megan x
Quote from: CallmeMegan on June 11, 2018, 12:50:12 PM
@Charlie Nicki
First up well done on going through the surgery and I hope that you find the changes to your appearance will also help to change the depressing feelings to more positive ones. Although I am in the very early stages of my own transitioning I have already gone through a lot of highs and even more lows.
I have though found the support of all on here to be a great help as I feel isolated quite a lot of the time.
Good luck with the recovery.
Megan x
Hey Megan! Thanks for your message. Yeah hopefully I'll feel better and better as days goes by.
About your situation, transitioning is definitely an emotional rollercoaster and estrogen makes us even more susceptible to crying and getting depressed. I'm glad you're enjoying the forum, it is definitely a great place and a big support for all of us.
Hugs!
Wow, I have just caught up, being on the other side of the World means i'm asleep while most posters are awake.
I'm so glad this thread is useful, I agree with what has been said about sharing being good therapy, I'm not the worlds best poster, I have bottled my feelings up for a lifetime so it's taking some getting used to being free to express myself without filtering.
@Allison S Quote from: Allison S on June 11, 2018, 09:26:49 AM
Really? I never thought of it like that.
Hi Allison, I didn't mean to offend, I was relating to my own insecurities dating and missed the mark a bit.
@Charlie Nicki Good luck with the recovery from your operation, hope you continue to feel better as the days continue.
@CallmeMegan Hi Megan, Thank you for your support on the thread, I'm glad it is already helping you, I can also identify with what some are going through it's good to know we are not alone in our journeys, I'm also very glad I found Susan's.
@Alaskan Danielle Hi Danielle, Thank you for your support, i'm glad you feel this thread was a good idea, I hope it allows anyone to let out what they are feeling and get some positive support, or at least know they are not alone. I'm also following your thread on positive mindset and find it very helpful :)
Quote from: Eryn T on June 11, 2018, 07:44:10 AM
Kind of like a venting, but also comforting since people read it thread? I hope i'm doing this right.
Hi Erin, I don't think there is a right or wrong way, just say what you feel like saying, i'm glad shared, thank you :)
Thanks to everyone for sharing, and there kind words of support.
Hugs
Nicole
I think this is a great thread. Everyone needs to vent now and then. Not sure how this will sound cause I feel kinda ridiculous for feeling like this but, recent situations have left the wife and I alone in the home so I get some long needed time to express myself. It's been going great! FYI I'm not out to anyone but her and my gender therapist. So I have been pretty excited did some shopping and was planning on leaving the house and going dressed to my next therapy session since I know it's a safe place to do so. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but in my head I worked it up as a big step OUT. Got all new everything head to toe. Shaved and started doing my makeup which I haven't had a chance to do in many years. I just didn't like the way it was looking and I washed it off and I am now in this slump. Wife noticed right away and told me not to get frustrated it will come in time and offered to help. For some reason it's really got me doubting that it's even possible for me to ever be me. I know it's ridiculous to react this way and that I have a lot to learn. So that being said I just want this to pass so I can get back to being happy like I was earlier.
Hey FindingMe
Although you may feel a bit down about the setback with the make up think about the huge positives that you have achieved so far. You have a supportive wife and you have a supportive therapist. You have also found the will to go out as YOU even if you didn't quite make it over the door.
I'm sure that with a little practice and even some tips from your wife that you'll soon be an expert and be able to go out looking how you want and feeling great. I don't get much opportunity to put on make up but I do try to get better every time that I do and now I can get the lipstick looking good but the eye shadow leaves me looking like a clown :D
Good luck and be proud of what you have achieved so far.
Megan x
Thanks Megan you are right, I actually started feeling better right after posting and was back at it messing up my face trying to duplicate a YouTube video. Lol they make it look so easy
Quote from: Nicole70 on June 10, 2018, 10:30:55 PM
I've struggled with really bad dysphoria over the past couple of weeks, my transition is progressing ok and I am happy about that but it doesn't distract too much from the feelings that I don't want my male appendage there any more, it was my first problem as a child and I know while those feelings while very real are pointless to linger on.
I have worried that my looks will never be passable, but at the same time know that I can never go back to being a man, I have found an inner peace as a woman that I have never had my entire life.
I feel quite guilty because I have a lot to be thankful for but I can't seem to control the dysphoric days, on those days I do feel envious about others successful transition stories and tend to not look too hard so I don't make myself feel worse.
Nicole, thank you for creating this thread. I just caught up and think it is a great idea. Like you said, sometimes we just want to vent. I am currently in a very good mental space, but I know that a time will come where I will feel down m, then I can come here and share whatever would be bothering me.
Your post above was something I really connected with. I have previously felt that exact same way, word for word, and whenever my dysphoria returns, it is just how you described it.
Hugs,
Jayne
Jayne, I'm glad you like the thread, please do feel free to vent when you need to but I know you are in a good place at the moment. I'm feeling much better at the moment although went to play squash last night in my old male shorts and tee shirt and then onto the pub, I felt so out of place I had to leave early, it didn't really trigger anything just made me think about changing my squash attire.
@Nicole70 My dear Nicole: Per the title of your thread "R U OK?" ...
... I will now ask you... are you OK? The reason I ask is that you have not updated your thread for almost 2 weeks.
Your curious followers and readers happiness depends on reading your frequent updates on your thread.
Please come back and post what you have been up to and how you are handling life.
Every time I log in to the Forums I make a point of checking the threads that I follow, and yours is one of them...
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Quote from: Nicole70 on June 10, 2018, 10:30:55 PM
I've struggled with really bad dysphoria over the past couple of weeks, my transition is progressing ok and I am happy about that but it doesn't distract too much from the feelings that I don't want my male appendage there any more, it was my first problem as a child and I know while those feelings while very real are pointless to linger on.
I have worried that my looks will never be passable, but at the same time know that I can never go back to being a man, I have found an inner peace as a woman that I have never had my entire life.
I feel quite guilty because I have a lot to be thankful for but I can't seem to control the dysphoric days, on those days I do feel envious about others successful transition stories and tend to not look too hard so I don't make myself feel worse.
Same, thanks for the interesting thread
I'm not ok. Once again I'm depressed and feeling I'm stuck in a hole. I went full time a few weeks ago after getting a BA and lipo and it was really hard at first to get used to my new life but I managed to do it and even feel good about myself.
Well that changed since 3 days ago... I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend, I miss him and wish he was here with me. He's in a relationship now and that revelation hurt a lot. Now I'm, once again, feeling regretful of taking this path and I'm having suicidal thoughts. It seems like trying to live as a gay man would have been way easier. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed and I don't wanna do anything. I fell asleep once again this morning for an hour and woke up crying. I've been crying for 3 days now. This is tough.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 26, 2018, 11:39:47 AM
I'm not ok. Once again I'm depressed and feeling I'm stuck in a hole. I went full time a few weeks ago after getting a BA and lipo and it was really hard at first to get used to my new life but I managed to do it and even feel good about myself.
Well that changed since 3 days ago... I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend, I miss him and wish he was here with me. He's in a relationship now and that revelation hurt a lot. Now I'm, once again, feeling regretful of taking this path and I'm having suicidal thoughts. It seems like trying to live as a gay man would have been way easier. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed and I don't wanna do anything. I fell asleep once again this morning for an hour and woke up crying. I've been crying for 3 days now. This is tough.
@Charlie Nicki: This is for you!!! (https://i.imgur.com/ClIklbn.jpg)
Hang in there girl, we all love you and want to give you our love and support.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Charlie Nicki,
I'm sorry you are having a rough time, seeing your ex move on with someone else is always very upsetting, I feel for you. Know that we all love you here and, you are lovely woman.
Hugs and best wishes
Nicole
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 26, 2018, 11:39:47 AM
I'm not ok. Once again I'm depressed and feeling I'm stuck in a hole. I went full time a few weeks ago after getting a BA and lipo and it was really hard at first to get used to my new life but I managed to do it and even feel good about myself.
Well that changed since 3 days ago... I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend, I miss him and wish he was here with me. He's in a relationship now and that revelation hurt a lot. Now I'm, once again, feeling regretful of taking this path and I'm having suicidal thoughts. It seems like trying to live as a gay man would have been way easier. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed and I don't wanna do anything. I fell asleep once again this morning for an hour and woke up crying. I've been crying for 3 days now. This is tough.
@Charlie Nicki Hey girlfriend, you know we are all here for you. We love you and want you to feel better. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Relationships are not static and are usually in flux with each other having their own needs. Sometimes those needs change and the need for each other to adapt isn't always possible. It takes time to get yourself back from the end of a relationship you felt you needed. But you will meet someone else and you will look back and smile at your past, knowing it was good when it was there, but your future is better.
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Quote from: Allison S on June 10, 2018, 08:37:33 PM
I'm just very confused. I just turned 28 and I've never been in a relationship or even been intimate really. At least not for a very long time. Being around guys makes me super insecure and even uncomfortable. Right now where I've been meeting guys they've been a bit too aggressive for me. I think I'll keep my boundaries in place for a while.
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I feel the same. I am 28 yo as well and I have never been in a romantic relationship. It's not because I don't want to (I WANT A MAN, UGH!!) I just feel like it's quite hard to meet people in "real life" nowadays. I met most of the guys online tho but didn't have any luck...yet?
I just graduated from a professional school and even though our class size was 260 something, most of them were in a relationship already. On top of that, I am just too self-conscious about being clocked or turned down by guys simply because I'm trans. Of course I respect everyone's preference but it just hurts to think that I wouldn't even have the chance to start something potentially beautiful with a great guy.
One of the reasons why I prefer to use dating apps to meet people is because I can just put down a short bibliography with regards to me as a transwoman, so anyone who messages me would have an idea about my identity.
Oh well I guess we just have to be patient/positive and be the best of ourselves so that when the right guy comes, we are ready to love (and be loved)!
Quote from: JinnieY on June 30, 2018, 12:04:15 AM
I feel the same. I am 28 yo as well and I have never been in a romantic relationship. It's not because I don't want to (I WANT A MAN, UGH!!) I just feel like it's quite hard to meet people in "real life" nowadays. I met most of the guys online tho but didn't have any luck...yet?
I just graduated from a professional school and even though our class size was 260 something, most of them were in a relationship already. On top of that, I am just too self-conscious about being clocked or turned down by guys simply because I'm trans. Of course I respect everyone's preference but it just hurts to think that I wouldn't even have the chance to start something potentially beautiful with a great guy.
One of the reasons why I prefer to use dating apps to meet people is because I can just put down a short bibliography with regards to me as a transwoman, so anyone who messages me would have an idea about my identity.
Oh well I guess we just have to be patient/positive and be the best of ourselves so that when the right guy comes, we are ready to love (and be loved)!
Yes, I know. I'm not really at the point you're at in my transition and with passing but it's on my mind.
I also remember being a gay male and meeting guys. It's still so fresh in my mind, part of me doesn't feel settled yet. My fear is that I never will. And that's scary
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Just checking in, I hope everyone is ok, I have been following the celebrations in the US for the 4th July, hope you all had a good day.
Nicole
Quote from: Nicole70 on July 06, 2018, 01:34:27 AM
Just checking in, I hope everyone is ok, I have been following the celebrations in the US for the 4th July, hope you all had a good day.
Nicole
@Nicole70 Yes, most reports and posts that I have seen from other members in the USA and Canada have mentioned that there were wonderful times of celebrations (Canada Day July 1st, and Independence Day July 4th) ... some members have reported that the very hot temperatures in their locations were difficult to deal with.
Fortunately where I am living the weather has been quite nice and much cooler. On Saturday June 30 I went on a day hike up into the nearby hills with my Suitor #4 ... had a wonderful day...
Then on July 4th I hosted a potluck party... hamburgers, potato salad, veggies, corn on the cob, chips and dips, etc.... and later we had a hotdog roast and made smores over my fire pit.
We did set off some fireworks but since it never really got dark here where I live at this time of the summer so that was a less than spectacular event.
All in all, it appears that we all had a good holiday time.
Now,
Nicole.... please tell us what have you been up to in your winter weather you are undoubtedly having where you live. Your readers and followers want to know.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Rather than clog this post up with stuff about me, I have started a new thread - Now I'm Nicole.
I think this thread should be kept for times when we want to express ourselves without judgment, I need to let it all out from time-to-time and this is a safe place to do it.
Quote from: Nicole70 on July 07, 2018, 07:21:14 PM
Rather than clog this post up with stuff about me, I have started a new thread - Now I'm Nicole.
I think this thread should be kept for times when we want to express ourselves without judgment, I need to let it all out from time-to-time and this is a safe place to do it.
@Nicole70 ...
Dear Nicole: Oh no, me bad, I had forgotten what you had intended the purpose of this thread to be and I posted my "happy" reply here today, no worries, there will be no more of my happy posts on this thread...
.... I will look for your new thread
"Now I'm Nicole" and see what's happening with you there.
Again, sorry.
Hugs,
Danielle
Danielle, happy posts are also good, sorry if I gave the impression that wasn't the idea, I would love it if anyone wants to post happy posts. Oh gosh I'm so bad at expressing myself at the moment, I don't want to upset anyone, I have a habit of being a short in my responses, I have stated before I am used to a lifetime of suppressing Nicole, and filtering my words, I'm trying hard to get out of that habit.
Please post whatever you like here, I'm happy some have found it a useful thread [emoji4]
I feel fake. Like anyone's attraction towards me is not because of my natural chemistry and I'm misleading them. That's why I want an orchi and to hopefully move on with my life. I'm tired of putting things on hold, especially my name change. I just hope things work out but they're out of my control...
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No, I'm not ok. I think this is my last post on this forum, I won't be maintaining this topic anymore I'll leave it here just in case it helps anyone which I think it already has.
It's been helpful here at Susan's so I'll stay and read.
Bye
Quote from: Nicole70 on July 24, 2018, 04:38:17 PM
No, I'm not ok. I think this is my last post on this forum, I won't be maintaining this topic anymore I'll leave it here just in case it helps anyone which I think it already has.
It's been helpful here at Susan's so I'll stay and read.
Bye
@Nicole70 Dear Nicole: Oh no, now after reading your last comment,
I am not OK either. We can either suffer together or keep this helpful thread going for those who may need it.
In any thread, response comments can come in a flood or be in a famine... but these things always come and go.
When you see a lull in interaction on your thread you can always post a helpful and encouraging comment so that others know that they can still vent their frustrations and issues on here.
But of course, it is none of my business for me to be offering you my input. It is obviously entirely your decision what to do with this thread and if you wish you can DELETE the entire thing.
Please let me know that I have not upset you with my reply.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle
Aw~ It's sweet of you to think for other people like that~
@Alaskan Danielle Thanks for your reply, you have not upset me with your reply.
I don't know what's up with me at the moment, I was in tears last night over nothing in particular, I don't know if it's because I have come off my anti-androgens in the last three weeks (my T was too low), I don't know if it's that, or psychological, or relief from getting my name changed.
OK, saying i'm stopping all my posts was a bit dramatic, I feel foolish again, it's just how I am at the moment, i'm not used to this, i'm normally so logical and together.
Quote from: Nicole70 on July 24, 2018, 06:24:44 PM
@Alaskan Danielle
Thanks for your reply, you have not upset me with your reply.
I don't know what's up with me at the moment, I was in tears last night over nothing in particular, I don't know if it's because I have come off my anti-androgens in the last three weeks (my T was too low), I don't know if it's that, or psychological, or relief from getting my name changed.
OK, saying i'm stopping all my posts was a bit dramatic, I feel foolish again, it's just how I am at the moment, i'm not used to this, i'm normally so logical and together.
Nicole
@Nicole70
Thanks for getting back to me so I won't worry about you as much as I was when I read your previous post.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to discuss anything at all.
You do not have to feel foolish... we all get in our down times.... thanks for sharing.
Hugs and hugs and hugs... and more hugs,
Danielle
I'm not sure. I guess I'm ok for now. Just been thinking lately about what's to come. What's after "transitioning"? What's holding me back from making my life what I want it to be?
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Quote from: Allison S on July 26, 2018, 08:53:43 PM
I'm not sure. I guess I'm ok for now. Just been thinking lately about what's to come. What's after "transitioning"? What's holding me back from making my life what I want it to be?
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Allison,
It's difficult to know what's to come, you have come so far in your transition and if like me you probably feel a thousand times better than you did before transitioning. The process gives us a strength that we probably didn't know we had, I'm sure nothing can hold you back now.
Hugs,
Nicole
I think there's a certain amount of "let down" in success. We work so hard to get here and now we have all this energy and time that we don't quite know what to do with.
The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.
I'm not sure if I should post this here or not, and I would much rather post something positive instead of this, but here goes...
Today I got word that a very dear friend of mine passed away last night. He was a mentor and a dear friend, someone I could confide in. He would've likely been one of the first people I would have come out to. I know he's at peace now, but I'm still heartbroken and I'll miss him for the rest of my life.
Quote from: Allison S on July 26, 2018, 08:53:43 PM
I'm not sure. I guess I'm ok for now. Just been thinking lately about what's to come. What's after "transitioning"? What's holding me back from making my life what I want it to be?
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I've been asking myself that question. I can see the end in sight and I wonder... what now? All I can say is that its exciting because I can be me in the open and that in itself is enough for now.
Hello again Danielle Kristina
I am sorry to hear your news; it is very painful to lose a loved one and depending on the degree of closeness, it can take a long time to recover and even when you do recover, you still possess the memories. Hopefully after the pain subsides somewhat, the memories should be mainly happy ones. I hope so.
May your friend Rest in Peace.
Special Hugs to you today.
Pamela
Hi Danielle Kristina,
So sorry to here you lost a friend and a confidant, thank you for feeling you could post here, it's for anything you want to say good or bad.
It's so hard when we loose someone, I hope you feel better soon.
Hugs
Nicole
Danielle Kristina I'm sorry [emoji45]
Quote from: krobinson103 on August 04, 2018, 02:51:51 AM
I've been asking myself that question. I can see the end in sight and I wonder... what now? All I can say is that its exciting because I can be me in the open and that in itself is enough for now.
That's great! It's very liberating even though I'm usually shy and introverted naturally.
Your thread is definitely inspiring to me [emoji4]
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I feel like a bother to my nurses they are doing so much for me but, something else is always hurting. I also feel bad about feeling bad, and know I should be thankful to have gcs no matter the pain.
Quote from: Allison S on August 04, 2018, 09:39:05 AM
Danielle Kristina I'm sorry [emoji45]
That's great! It's very liberating even though I'm usually shy and introverted naturally.
Your thread is definitely inspiring to me [emoji4]
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Thanks! I just record it as I see it. I figure its like one of those cowboy movies. Transition goes for a certain time and one day you figure its time to ride off into the sunset. What happens after that? Thats a whole new movie!
Sorry it took so long to respond. I spent a few days away from the internet and the phone. I needed some quiet time.
Anyway. Thank you all for the condolences. He was a good friend and a mentor. I'm sad, but I'm glad we got to be friends. He was worth knowing. On top of that, my dad died in November, so that makes this loss tougher. Still, life goes on and I'm ok. I just miss my friend.
posting here because that's what it's here for. I didn't want to post in my thread and get pats-on-the-head or platitudes (not meant to insult my online friends, I know they care).
Last night and today suck. That's the best way to describe it. Body Dysphoria kicked in strong last night and continuing today. Last night I almost lost it and choked it down. I am holding it together today, but only just. I'm at work, I can't break down here. I picked a middling outfit. I wanted to wear a big ratty t-shirt and similar pants ... I don't have any and I couldn't wear it to work anyways. My wife has threatened to dispose of all my, less-than-good-work-around-the-house, clothes to prevent me from finding and wearing them.
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
No, I'm not OK.
Faith,
I'm sorry for your bad day, I have had similar days, it sucks, big hugs and hope you feel better soon.
Nicole
Quote from: Faith on August 15, 2018, 06:29:42 AM
posting here because that's what it's here for. I didn't want to post in my thread and get pats-on-the-head or platitudes (not meant to insult my online friends, I know they care).
Last night and today suck. That's the best way to describe it. Body Dysphoria kicked in strong last night and continuing today. Last night I almost lost it and choked it down. I am holding it together today, but only just. I'm at work, I can't break down here. I picked a middling outfit. I wanted to wear a big ratty t-shirt and similar pants ... I don't have any and I couldn't wear it to work anyways. My wife has threatened to dispose of all my, less-than-good-work-around-the-house, clothes to prevent me from finding and wearing them.
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
No, I'm not OK.
@Faith Dear Faith:You never have to be worried about pats on the head or platitudes on this thread.... also any comforting replies or comments that you get on the other forum threads, especially on your own thread, as a result of posting bad news... is genuine and heartfelt, especially from your regular followers... by the way, I will always accept all the comforting comments that I can get when I am down and out.
By the way we obviously all have bad news from time to time, so it is not an big and bad issue to post about it,
besides, when
@Nicole70 started this "R U OK?" thread a few months ago back in early June, more than 63 replies have been posted.
This thread is doing exactly what she intended it to do, to let participating member post about their bad days without a flurry of trite consoling replies...
Here especially please feel free to vent your frustrations and get them off of your chest when you can.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Hey Faith. Sorry for the bad day you are having. I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you.
Hugs,
Jayne
This was a great idea for a thread Nicole.
I spend a lot of time in my own head. I'm a self confessed introvert and tend to not socialize very often so an outlet like this is nice to have. I spend a lot of time feeling depressed, angry and scared. I hate what I'm going through. I hate being this way. I spend a lot of time wondering "Why aren't I normal". If I'm female why wasn't I born that way or why don't I feel male as I was born that way. Sometimes it get's too much. Life shouldn't be this hard to live or be who you want to be. I just want to be happy and I don't think I can be. I feel trapped in a shrinking box that is one day going to get too small for me. All day every day I think about how I feel so wrong. Trapped in my own skin in some overweight ridiculous masculine prison. Serving time for a crime I didn't commit being born the wrong gender. I think if I was alone in life it would be easier, I hope it would. As it stands I'm not alone and I'm afraid of dragging the people close to me through hell. People say I shouldn't be worried about them or I should do what's best for me but it's not that easy. I'm frustrated. Because while it's great being here and being myself and talking to you all which is a great help and benefit to me I'm not like this in real life. I'm still dressing male, acting male, being what society deems me to be. Even though my wife knows she would never accept it. It's a joke to her "Don't become a woman" "you'd look great in high heels" mocking me. I hate myself and sometimes think I don't deserve to be happy. The slim moments when I am happy and I forget about the troubles in my life I always come crashing back. I know I'll never be happy until I make that change but I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it. If I'll have the courage to do it. I hope therapy helps when I get started with it.
Thanks for giving me a place to release. I needed to do it. I appreciate it.
Abi
Abi,
I'm just catching up after the weekend, I'm so glad you shared your feelings with us, it must be incredibly hard for you not being able to express yourself as a woman, feeling trapped and angry, something many of us here can identify with. I'm sorry your wife isn't taking you seriously, it is certainly no joke.
I understand that you are afraid to upset those around you, it is an extremely difficult decision to make.
Please feel free to post whatever you need to, I'm so glad you found this helpful, a girl needs an outlet! lots of hugs and take care
Nicole
The past two days I've spent most of my time feeling out-of-sorts and back to feeling like a guy dressed as a woman, a poser. It's really got me feeling down about myself. I stare at the closet looking for that magic outfit that will take that feeling away, but I don't own one.
Faith, Been there. Moods are usually transient. Wish we could chat over a cup of coffee or a nice dinner as girlfriends. :-) Nancy