What was the first thing you did when you realized you had to transition?
I write the question this way because I think we all start out fighting the concept and as the fog drains us, we (initially) reluctantly accept what we need to do in order to live happy & fulfilling lives.
For me it was very basic. I started carrying my Kohl's card and my VS Angel card again.
I used to travel constantly for my profession and my wife & I had a joint Kohl's charge account. She'd use it at least monthly. I'd use it when I had a travel problem and needed to make emergency wardrobe purchases. She'd always go to the store to pay the bill in person. My question afterwards was always did we come out ahead or behind - meaning "did what you put on the card after paying the bill exceed the prior bill or was a it less than the prior bill?" It was about 50/50.
The Angel card was from a VS store associate who may have perceived my GD. The account was always in my wife's name, and for those of you who have Angel cards, you probably know that if you don't use them often enough they get suspended and have to be reissued.
Well even as AMAB I've never had an issue shopping at Victoria Secret. Truth be told, I'd shop for my wife, look at something for her. Then I'd look at something else and try to imagine how I would look wearing it. Maybe this perceptive young lady picked up on me.....
At any rate, it was one of those deals where the Angel card was suspended, and had to be reissued. The associate asked her (my wife) if she would like a card issued to me. We kind of he-hawed around. I had never thought of it. She asked if I ever shop for my wife. Well the answer to that is a resounding yes. If my memory is correct, all the accessories she currently has to her wardrobe were selected and purchased by me and given to her as gifts (many for absolutely no reason...).
I was issued an Angel card in my AMAB name.
So for me the first thing I did was start carrying my Kohl's card and my Angel card again as I'm now shopping for myself.
(FYI when I decided I had to transition, the first person I came out to was my wife. We're working through it. She know's I've been shopping for me.)
Kate
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I went for a walk. Only I think something had changed. I wasn't looking at the world the same way or moving around in it the same way; the change had already started psychologically and was reflecting in how I carried myself and approached things.
The first thing I did was come out to my wife. The next thing was asking my next-door neighbour about how to find a gender therapist. (My email to her: "I know you work with LGBT youth. Well, I am not a youth, and I am not G or B...")
Quote from: Kylo on September 27, 2018, 02:58:02 PM
I went for a walk. Only I think something had changed. I wasn't looking at the world the same way or moving around in it the same way; the change had already started psychologically and was reflecting in how I carried myself and approached things.
Kylo:
Yes there has been walking and other private time for myself. Yes, I have likewise changed.
For me I know I'm embarking on a long and definitely painful journey. However, as you are, I'm accepting myself as I am. Call me a DES daughter, an aberration, or a Trans Woman; I don't care: I'm stoping the fighting with myself. In that I have begun to find some peace.
I pray the same for you.
Kate
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I bought a body groomer and some disposable razors, and proceeded to shave my chest arms and legs. It sounds small, but it was very cathartic.
I cried all the way home from work. It just really hit me at work one day. It was so hard to allow myself to imagine what life would be like if my wife did not accept this. I still have hope that I can find some way to salvage my relationship. But even with that fear I could no longer live a lie. I pray that everything will play out just the way that we both hope for. Love and faith to you.
Gabrielle
From the day I decided I was going to transition to the day I had my srs and transitioned after my surgeries. I continued to enjoy each day of my life as male to the fullest. I have loved all phases of my life and continue to do so today. Live for today, tomorrow is not a certainty.
I sat down with my wife, told her the anti anxiety meds weren't working, and that being an at home crossdresser was not enough. I told her it was time to see a therapist, get a diagnosis and start HRT. She agreed with me.
I explained to my sister that it was time for me to do what I had to do, as I was having a breakdown in her living room. I promised I would seek therapy. So this time I went to a gender therapist and after the third visit I started HRT. Two years now and I never questioned my decision.
Quote from: CarlyMcx on September 27, 2018, 11:21:28 PM
I sat down with my wife, told her the anti anxiety meds weren't working, and that being an at home crossdresser was not enough. I told her it was time to see a therapist, get a diagnosis and start HRT. She agreed with me.
Yes I understand.
All I ever got out of the 'meds' were the side effects.
My first true relief was obtained by accepting the fact that, even though I was AMAB, I'm a WOMAN and starting down the road of bringing this body into alignment with me.
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Quote from: warlockmaker on September 27, 2018, 10:33:27 PM
From the day I decided I was going to transition to the day I had my srs and transitioned after my surgeries. I continued to enjoy each day of my life as male to the fullest. I have loved all phases of my life and continue to do so today. Live for today, tomorrow is not a certainty.
Congrats!!!
Even though I'm going the other way, we're siblings in the journey to being authentic.
I hope to be able to catch up with you, and say the same in my life.
Kate
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Quote from: DawnOday on September 27, 2018, 11:22:24 PM
I explained to my sister that it was time for me to do what I had to do, as I was having a breakdown in her living room. I promised I would seek therapy. So this time I went to a gender therapist and after the third visit I started HRT. Two years now and I never questioned my decision.
I pray I can catch up to you soon.
Kate
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Quote from: Gabrielle66 on September 27, 2018, 10:26:31 PM
I cried all the way home from work. It just really hit me at work one day. It was so hard to allow myself to imagine what life would be like if my wife did not accept this. I still have hope that I can find some way to salvage my relationship. But even with that fear I could no longer live a lie. I pray that everything will play out just the way that we both hope for. Love and faith to you.
Gabrielle
Gabriel:
The Lord knows I feel for you.....
So far I have support? However, I don't believe what I've said and done has completely registered or has been accepted. "I'm a really good deceiver." So I was told....
On the surface I have support. However, I'm preparing myself for a breakup. I want to keep & protect the relationship, but I fully understand she didn't sign up to what I recently did to her.
For me I'm trying to move slow and involve her, as appropriate, in my therapy sessions. As a cis female she has no concept of the depth of the pain I've hidden as Gender Dysphoric.
All I can say is go slow. As much as I want to wake up in the morning as an elegant woman with a bit of sexiness about me - I know that is not me now or soon.
That's why it is called transition. It's a journey.
Kate
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Quote from: DawnOday on September 27, 2018, 11:22:24 PM
I explained to my sister that it was time for me to do what I had to do, as I was having a breakdown in her living room. I promised I would seek therapy. So this time I went to a gender therapist and after the third visit I started HRT. Two years now and I never questioned my decision.
Dawn;
I pray I catch up to you soon.
Kate
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Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on September 27, 2018, 09:39:47 PM
I bought a body groomer and some disposable razors, and proceeded to shave my chest arms and legs. It sounds small, but it was very cathartic.
I've shaved my under arms on and off for years while taking a shower.
Taking a bath and enjoying the time to shave my legs is heaven.
Congrats to your experiences.
Kate
Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on September 27, 2018, 09:39:47 PM
I bought a body groomer and some disposable razors, and proceeded to shave my chest arms and legs. It sounds small, but it was very cathartic.
ha, that was one of the first things I did too :)
I really don't remember precisely the "first thing" that I did. I was in such a haze. There was a lot of crying. Not from sadness. Not only from happiness. There were just so many different and conflicting emotions at once I guess tears just started coming out. Tears still come out but not as frequently. I've done a lot of shopping also. No, like, a LOT of shopping!!! lol
It's a good and hard question for me.
I was in a semi or near conscious state about my gender and feelings for a long time. To the point I was getting laser hair treatments on my chest and wishing I could do my face and legs and under arms.... in hind sight this was part of transition and looking for ways to align my body to my feelings.
The real turning point was when a friend described to me the difference between born sex, gender and sexual orientation. I was in shock for weeks and finally told my wife out of guilt, shame and fear. Then I continued the shaving and hair removal and went shopping for women's jeans. I was so scared.
Karen
I cried for about 3 days realizing what a hard journey my life would become, but, it's what I have to do to be me.
It was a pretty memorable moment. I had already been in therapy for a while and crossdressing at night to go out was all I really did... So I decided I'll call a doctor's office for an appointment for hrt. I anticipated it would take a month or two but it took about 3 to 3 and half weeks to get my appointment. Well, I missed the first appointment I had made the very next day so I had to wait.
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changed my underwear
Quote from: Faith on September 28, 2018, 06:00:06 AM
changed my underwear
Wow, the realization was that startling, was it? ;D
We're all so different.
I'd tried to have the conversation with my parents about not being a boy when I was around 5-6 but it didn't go over so well. I found out though that as long as I didn't talk about it, I could still mostly express myself as the as the girl I knew myself to be which once I entered the school system, also didn't go over so well.
I did everything I could to distance myself from being a boy and after the 2nd grade and more or less a meltdown of sorts, I was allowed to let my hair grow out removing any chance of ever really being accepted as a boy but yet I had to be known as a boy and was caught in the middle. I hated it. I struggled with it. It caused a lot of problems.
By the 7th grade, if I was a boy or a girl had become quite ambiguous so naturally I was further ostracized socially and of course by that age, I was just that weird queer ->-bleeped-<-got kid that acted like a girl and in 1967, this crap never went over well but I was just who I was. There was no one else to be.
The first thing I did when I knew I could no longer live as a boy was to (re)announce this as a fact to my mom and step-dad. I was fifteen years old.
An unfortunate event leading up to this announcement had acted as a catalyst. I had always been bullied, teased, mocked for the way I was and looked and being beat up was pretty par for the course. I'd been in 15 different schools by the time I was in the 10th grade due to lack of integrating socially because I was so different and during that 10th grade high school sophomore year, I was attacked by a group of homophobic boys on my way home from school. I was hurt pretty badly. Hospitals and police were involved and I just hated how being a boy and not just a girl had gotten me into this predicament in the first place. I knew I could not do this. Even my parents assumed I was gay and had been telling me for years at that point that it was perfectly okay if I was.
I was out of school a month recovering from my injuries, with both of us in tears and with my mom sitting on the bed next to me holding my hand having one of those deep talks about being gay, I told her I wasn't but that there was no way I could go on living as a boy and that I sure as hell was never going to grow up to be a man. This is something she just understood with a mother's intuition, with no judgment or surprise but deeply concerned there was nothing that could really be done about this, not in 1970 anyway in our conservative redneck town. Neither of us had any concept of what trans was or what any of this meant? I didn't anyway. There were simply no words. I only knew I could not go on as life had been no matter how much more difficult it made things for me or how much bigger of a target it painted on my back. After all, I'd nearly just been killed and didn't think things could get any worse.
I was in some real distress at this point in my life and blindly without really understanding what was going on because it just happened, I was allowed to express myself more openly and less androgynously which helped things immeasurably. I was able to wear girl's clothes as long as they were unisex and could pass as boys. I got my ears pierced and shaved my legs, got my brows done at a salon and started wearing a bit of discrete makeup on special occasions like weekend dinners at a restaurant with my folks. Already with long pretty blonde hair halfway down my back and at maybe 5'5" and 125lbs, by the time I was 16, I was consistently passing in public as a girl which is exactly how I went to school where I still had to be known by a boy's name and he/him pronouns that my parents and extended family had already mostly stopped using by then.
I can't really explain and maybe don't even want to remember in too great of detail what an absolute mind bending time this was in my life and probably the hardest thing I've ever been through? I was a "late bloomer" but when natal puberty finally began to show its signs, it sent me into an absolutely depressed and suicidal funk. I wanted to drop out of school and never leave my room because it made me so miserable being such a freak and to be seen as such and having to deal with that five days a week to go to school saw suicide ideation and planning hit its peak. Nobody still had a clue about what any of this meant other than I had just grown up to the girl I'd always been and known myself to be and that was a huge problem because I wasn't female.
Fortunately and in ways I'll never understand, my parents realized the depth of my despair and darkness and found me a doctor that after talking for just 15 minutes diagnosed me as transsexual and after some further evaluations, at 17 started me on hormones which was certainly an unusual and experimental protocol at the time (1972) for someone so young but gave me just enough encouragement to make it another nine months to graduation knowing that once out of school, no one would ever have to know me as a boy or an "it" ever again.
And they didn't. At nearly 64 years old, I'm still that same girl I grew up to be and have always been. It's really the darndest thing when you think about it and when I did do that first thing when I knew I had to stop being known as a boy - telling my parents - I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if they hadn't been supportive and understanding?
I take that back. I know exactly what would have happened to me.
First thing I did was scour the internet for a gender therapist over the course of a weekend. When I found her, I made an appointment first thing Monday for the same day and showed up and let everything pour out.
Julie
Quote from: Faith on September 28, 2018, 06:00:06 AM
changed my underwear
That was the second thing I did as I had to buy the underwear first!
[emoji14]
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I was driving to pick up my daughter listening to a radio show when I heard someone with a remarkably similar story to mine. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I phone a friend of mine and told him everything. He was shocked but supportive and offered to take me to the gay village to see how welcoming it was for trans people. I still haven't got that far but the support is there.
Jess
Quote from: jkredman on September 28, 2018, 09:04:25 AM
That was the second thing I did as I had to buy the underwear first!
[emoji14]
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I have been wearing underwear since my teen years. Although it concealed It helped me feel good about myself.
I Googled "Transgender Support" and found Susan's Place... ;D
Quote from: KathyLauren on September 28, 2018, 07:44:38 AM
Wow, the realization was that startling, was it? ;D
I love innuendo and dual meaning phrases. :)
Quote from: jkredman on September 28, 2018, 09:04:25 AM
That was the second thing I did as I had to buy the underwear first!
Quote from: VickyS on September 28, 2018, 10:42:25 AM
I Googled "Transgender Support" and found Susan's Place... ;D
I 'borrowed' some. Then I searched and found that Susan's came up the most with good answers.
I researched everything I could about the effects of a AFAB taking testosterone. I researched the things I would have to do to transition to the man I should have been born as for a year before deciding to take the plunge. Everything (but any male pattern baldness!) were all things I wanted to have happen to this body.
So I went online and found my amazing gender therapist. I suppose finding her was the first real thing.
Ryuichi
Quote from: Lisa_K on September 28, 2018, 08:14:57 AM
We're all so different.
I'd tried to have the conversation with my parents about not being a boy when I was around 5-6 but it didn't go over so well. I found out though that as long as I didn't talk about it, I could still mostly express myself as the as the girl I knew myself to be which once I entered the school system, also didn't go over so well.
I did everything I could to distance myself from being a boy and after the 2nd grade and more or less a meltdown of sorts, I was allowed to let my hair grow out removing any chance of ever really being accepted as a boy but yet I had to be known as a boy and was caught in the middle. I hated it. I struggled with it. It caused a lot of problems.
By the 7th grade, if I was a boy or a girl had become quite ambiguous so naturally I was further ostracized socially and of course by that age, I was just that weird queer ->-bleeped-<-got kid that acted like a girl and in 1967, this crap never went over well but I was just who I was. There was no one else to be.
The first thing I did when I knew I could no longer live as a boy was to (re)announce this as a fact to my mom and step-dad. I was fifteen years old.
An unfortunate event leading up to this announcement had acted as a catalyst. I had always been bullied, teased, mocked for the way I was and looked and being beat up was pretty par for the course. I'd been in 15 different schools by the time I was in the 10th grade due to lack of integrating socially because I was so different and during that 10th grade high school sophomore year, I was attacked by a group of homophobic boys on my way home from school. I was hurt pretty badly. Hospitals and police were involved and I just hated how being a boy and not just a girl had gotten me into this predicament in the first place. I knew I could not do this. Even my parents assumed I was gay and had been telling me for years at that point that it was perfectly okay if I was.
I was out of school a month recovering from my injuries, with both of us in tears and with my mom sitting on the bed next to me holding my hand having one of those deep talks about being gay, I told her I wasn't but that there was no way I could go on living as a boy and that I sure as hell was never going to grow up to be a man. This is something she just understood with a mother's intuition, with no judgment or surprise but deeply concerned there was nothing that could really be done about this, not in 1970 anyway in our conservative redneck town. Neither of us had any concept of what trans was or what any of this meant? I didn't anyway. There were simply no words. I only knew I could not go on as life had been no matter how much more difficult it made things for me or how much bigger of a target it painted on my back. After all, I'd nearly just been killed and didn't think things could get any worse.
I was in some real distress at this point in my life and blindly without really understanding what was going on because it just happened, I was allowed to express myself more openly and less androgynously which helped things immeasurably. I was able to wear girl's clothes as long as they were unisex and could pass as boys. I got my ears pierced and shaved my legs, got my brows done at a salon and started wearing a bit of discrete makeup on special occasions like weekend dinners at a restaurant with my folks. Already with long pretty blonde hair halfway down my back and at maybe 5'5" and 125lbs, by the time I was 16, I was consistently passing in public as a girl which is exactly how I went to school where I still had to be known by a boy's name and he/him pronouns that my parents and extended family had already mostly stopped using by then.
I can't really explain and maybe don't even want to remember in too great of detail what an absolute mind bending time this was in my life and probably the hardest thing I've ever been through? I was a "late bloomer" but when natal puberty finally began to show its signs, it sent me into an absolutely depressed and suicidal funk. I wanted to drop out of school and never leave my room because it made me so miserable being such a freak and to be seen as such and having to deal with that five days a week to go to school saw suicide ideation and planning hit its peak. Nobody still had a clue about what any of this meant other than I had just grown up to the girl I'd always been and known myself to be and that was a huge problem because I wasn't female.
Fortunately and in ways I'll never understand, my parents realized the depth of my despair and darkness and found me a doctor that after talking for just 15 minutes diagnosed me as transsexual and after some further evaluations, at 17 started me on hormones which was certainly an unusual and experimental protocol at the time (1972) for someone so young but gave me just enough encouragement to make it another nine months to graduation knowing that once out of school, no one would ever have to know me as a boy or an "it" ever again.
And they didn't. At nearly 64 years old, I'm still that same girl I grew up to be and have always been. It's really the darndest thing when you think about it and when I did do that first thing when I knew I had to stop being known as a boy - telling my parents - I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if they hadn't been supportive and understanding?
I take that back. I know exactly what would have happened to me.
Lisa, thank you for sharing this :) This was good to read. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for helping me feel normal... even though it took me decades to get there :) ...tytytyty ! xoxo
-Anita
Quote from: TheNewjessica on September 28, 2018, 09:18:02 AM
I have been wearing underwear since my teen years. Although it concealed It helped me feel good about myself.
Jessica:
Let's just say I had done the same. The difference is 1) It's full time now, and 2) they fit properly!
Kate
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Quote from: jkredman on September 28, 2018, 05:59:56 PM
Jessica:
Let's just say I had done the same. The difference is 1) It's full time now, and 2) they fit properly!
Same for me ha ha. I completely replaced all my underwear for female underwear about ten years ago. I even did the same with socks and some bed clothes. Basically everything I could get away with without getting caught doing it.
Yes, I forgot to mention bed clothes.
I've got a black & Purple Babydoll that I just adore(me.com)
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First thing I did was find a doctor in April 2017. I hadn't seen one in 15 years. Quickly followed that with many other things.
Hello Kate
This is a very good topic - we have so many (also interesting) on first transgender things but not on first realization to transition.
I crossdressed and bodyshaved and wore female underwear all my adult life but my transgender thoughts became so dominant late 2016 that I researched more in 2017. By October 2017 I knew British NHS system for which I have great admiration, was not and still is not adequately funded for transgender care and therefore I decided to look into private treatment.
Hence my first action after realization of transition was to contact GenderGP and register and get therapy and then HRT. Now in October 2018 my doubts are removed - I absolutely must transition publicly and will do so in 2019.
Hugs to all
Pamela
Quote from: Lisa_K on September 28, 2018, 08:14:57 AM
We're all so different.
I'd tried to have the conversation with my parents about not being a boy when I was around 5-6 but it didn't go over so well. I found out though that as long as I didn't talk about it, I could still mostly express myself as the as the girl I knew myself to be which once I entered the school system, also didn't go over so well.
I did everything I could to distance myself from being a boy and after the 2nd grade and more or less a meltdown of sorts, I was allowed to let my hair grow out removing any chance of ever really being accepted as a boy but yet I had to be known as a boy and was caught in the middle. I hated it. I struggled with it. It caused a lot of problems.
By the 7th grade, if I was a boy or a girl had become quite ambiguous so naturally I was further ostracized socially and of course by that age, I was just that weird queer ->-bleeped-<-got kid that acted like a girl and in 1967, this crap never went over well but I was just who I was. There was no one else to be.
The first thing I did when I knew I could no longer live as a boy was to (re)announce this as a fact to my mom and step-dad. I was fifteen years old.
An unfortunate event leading up to this announcement had acted as a catalyst. I had always been bullied, teased, mocked for the way I was and looked and being beat up was pretty par for the course. I'd been in 15 different schools by the time I was in the 10th grade due to lack of integrating socially because I was so different and during that 10th grade high school sophomore year, I was attacked by a group of homophobic boys on my way home from school. I was hurt pretty badly. Hospitals and police were involved and I just hated how being a boy and not just a girl had gotten me into this predicament in the first place. I knew I could not do this. Even my parents assumed I was gay and had been telling me for years at that point that it was perfectly okay if I was.
I was out of school a month recovering from my injuries, with both of us in tears and with my mom sitting on the bed next to me holding my hand having one of those deep talks about being gay, I told her I wasn't but that there was no way I could go on living as a boy and that I sure as hell was never going to grow up to be a man. This is something she just understood with a mother's intuition, with no judgment or surprise but deeply concerned there was nothing that could really be done about this, not in 1970 anyway in our conservative redneck town. Neither of us had any concept of what trans was or what any of this meant? I didn't anyway. There were simply no words. I only knew I could not go on as life had been no matter how much more difficult it made things for me or how much bigger of a target it painted on my back. After all, I'd nearly just been killed and didn't think things could get any worse.
I was in some real distress at this point in my life and blindly without really understanding what was going on because it just happened, I was allowed to express myself more openly and less androgynously which helped things immeasurably. I was able to wear girl's clothes as long as they were unisex and could pass as boys. I got my ears pierced and shaved my legs, got my brows done at a salon and started wearing a bit of discrete makeup on special occasions like weekend dinners at a restaurant with my folks. Already with long pretty blonde hair halfway down my back and at maybe 5'5" and 125lbs, by the time I was 16, I was consistently passing in public as a girl which is exactly how I went to school where I still had to be known by a boy's name and he/him pronouns that my parents and extended family had already mostly stopped using by then.
I can't really explain and maybe don't even want to remember in too great of detail what an absolute mind bending time this was in my life and probably the hardest thing I've ever been through? I was a "late bloomer" but when natal puberty finally began to show its signs, it sent me into an absolutely depressed and suicidal funk. I wanted to drop out of school and never leave my room because it made me so miserable being such a freak and to be seen as such and having to deal with that five days a week to go to school saw suicide ideation and planning hit its peak. Nobody still had a clue about what any of this meant other than I had just grown up to the girl I'd always been and known myself to be and that was a huge problem because I wasn't female.
Fortunately and in ways I'll never understand, my parents realized the depth of my despair and darkness and found me a doctor that after talking for just 15 minutes diagnosed me as transsexual and after some further evaluations, at 17 started me on hormones which was certainly an unusual and experimental protocol at the time (1972) for someone so young but gave me just enough encouragement to make it another nine months to graduation knowing that once out of school, no one would ever have to know me as a boy or an "it" ever again.
And they didn't. At nearly 64 years old, I'm still that same girl I grew up to be and have always been. It's really the darndest thing when you think about it and when I did do that first thing when I knew I had to stop being known as a boy - telling my parents - I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if they hadn't been supportive and understanding?
I take that back. I know exactly what would have happened to me.
I wonder how many died out there when the only choice left was transition?
Your post just shook me a bit,
Kirsten.
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Quote from: jkredman on September 27, 2018, 02:05:36 PM
What was the first thing you did when you realized you had to transition?
Denial.
I thought that I could work this out. That didn't work. Made a new plan that ended in transition. I am happy now.
Quote from: Dani on October 01, 2018, 06:34:49 AM
Denial.
I thought that I could work this out. That didn't work. Made a new plan that ended in transition. I am happy now.
Dani:
I have to admit I also spent a lot of years in denial. My decision came when 1) I ran out of excuses of why I couldn't transition, and 2) I started developing the adverse medical effects that came with my coping mechanism.
So along the lines of Kirsten's observation,
"I wonder how many died out there when the only choice was to
transition?"
I was killing my self albeit slowly and emotionally painfully for myself & those who love me.
Kate
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Quote from: Karen on September 28, 2018, 01:32:17 AM
It's a good and hard question for me.
I was in a semi or near conscious state about my gender and feelings for a long time. To the point I was getting laser hair treatments on my chest and wishing I could do my face and legs and under arms.... in hind sight this was part of transition and looking for ways to align my body to my feelings.
The real turning point was when a friend described to me the difference between born sex, gender and sexual orientation. I was in shock for weeks and finally told my wife out of guilt, shame and fear. Then I continued the shaving and hair removal and went shopping for women's jeans. I was so scared.
Karen
Karen:
Yes I have to admit that there had been things I had been doing for a long time in preparation to start a transition.
The one that sticks out in my mind was the purchase of a 38mm Apple Watch.
My wife and I already had Apple Watches, I had a 42mm and she had a 38mm. My employer had recently entered into a partnership agreement with Apple, and out of it we were given a limited time opportunity to purchase a new Apple Watch for $49.00. So I bought a 38mm Apple Watch. I justified it to myself as 'if her watch got broken, she had a spare.' The truth was I had purchased it for myself knowing someday I would have to transition.
It now sports a nice femine band and a wear it any time I'm in my 'girl mode.'
Coming out to my wife has been, for me, the scariest thing so far. She's so far been supportive, but I can't think she has had time to process. So I'm still being a bit secretive. She called me out on that this morning. It started with the 'we need to talk...'. Stomach immediately in throat.... She doesn't want me to keep secrets from her. We'll I'd kept the biggest one for so long. I have to learn to trust, also. That's scary.
Kate
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I had worn clothes, shaved and had been seeing a gender therapist for about 3 months before I realized that I HAD to transition. That realization came from therapy.
The first thing I did after that was to call and make an appointment for HRT.
So, I know this wasn't really a philosophical thread, but in trying to answer the question, it occurred to me that I wasn't sure what I meant, in my own head, by "transition." I know we typically think of "transition" to mean, "get to the place where we blend seamlessly with the Cis world." However, many people here, including me, realized early on that we would never blend seamlessly with the Cis world. So, if that is not the end goal, what am I transitioning TO? I hear others talk about, "Living Authentically" but I think I have lived at least semi-authentically since I realized my gender at 6. Did I look like the other girls? No. Did others treat me like the other girls? No. But until I got to college, I literally had no idea that there were any options at all. (Which is part of why I am SOOOOO impressed with those who found a way in the 70s and 80s.)
So, was I "transitioned" at 6, when I knew who I was?
Or how about at 7th grade, when I started shaving my legs?
Or, high school when I started presenting female sometimes, and male other times? (I would argue that I don't have to be 100% either one of those to be "transitioned" since even cis women sometimes don't present as female 100% of the time.)
Or, the nearly 30 years I have not gone outside without at least mascara on?
Or, the nearly 30 years I have been on some form of HRT?
Or, the nearly 30 years since I bought or owned "boy" clothes? (With the exception that I did buy a man's sport coat for my daughter's wedding 8 or 9 years ago. ;D Except for that sport coat, I literally can't remember the last boy clothes I bought.)
Or, must I have medically transitioned? And, if so, how far? Is GCS enough? Maybe FFS? BA? (OK. I would really like BA surgery but haven't done that...)
So, when we say, "knew we had to transition" I wonder what we were thinking? There are days when I think I have "transitioned" already, and days when I think, "No, I have much farther to go."
Now, having written this post, I think I have an answer to the question of the first thing I did when I realized I had to transition (whatever the heck that means): I took the next step forward towards a goal which remains undefined and probably always will be for me...
Kate
Quote from: jkredman on October 01, 2018, 10:55:39 AM
Karen:
Yes I have to admit that there had been things I had been doing for a long time in preparation to start a transition.
The one that sticks out in my mind was the purchase of a 38mm Apple Watch.
My wife and I already had Apple Watches, I had a 42mm and she had a 38mm. My employer had recently entered into a partnership agreement with Apple, and out of it we were given a limited time opportunity to purchase a new Apple Watch for $49.00. So I bought a 38mm Apple Watch. I justified it to myself as 'if her watch got broken, she had a spare.' The truth was I had purchased it for myself knowing someday I would have to transition.
It now sports a nice femine band and a wear it any time I'm in my 'girl mode.'
Coming out to my wife has been, for me, the scariest thing so far. She's so far been supportive, but I can't think she has had time to process. So I'm still being a bit secretive. She called me out on that this morning. It started with the 'we need to talk...'. Stomach immediately in throat.... She doesn't want me to keep secrets from her. We'll I'd kept the biggest one for so long. I have to learn to trust, also. That's scary.
Kate
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I even order a copy of the National Geographic - Gender Revolution, because it caught my eye and interest in a waiting room. It shocked me and generated much interest. I bought it and told my wife she should read it so "it can help us understand our kids"....the whole while I was wonder deeply why I wired the way I was. I still did not fully register I was TG for close to another year.
It's amazing how suppressed or poorly understood my feelings were. How incredibly busy I was for so long and effective at suppressing and not understanding.
Thanks for this thread!
Karen
I had a long hard discussion with myself, then looked on line and read a lot on Susan's and then told my wife! Followed by seeing a therapist.
Love and Hugs, Marcie
Quote from: KatieP on October 01, 2018, 02:52:12 PM
The first thing I did when I realized I had to transition (whatever the heck that means): I took the next step forward towards a goal which remains undefined and probably always will be for me...
Kate
I agree that in many cases we will not upon decision to transition in some way (therapy, HRT etc) necessarily know how far we may go and therefore at that point it is undefined. It is just an intention to reach a point where we are somewhat content. However in many cases including mine it soon becomes clear that a lot more than therapy and HRT are required and intended public transition becomes feasible and then later it happens.
Hugs
Pamela