Alright here I go. This will be my first official post tracking my transition. I've seen a lot of other ladies do this and I guess this is as good a place to begin as any. Yesterday I made my first step into transition or at least in my own eyes. Yes I came out to my therapist and yes I came out to my wife. I have been referred to more of a gender specialist therapist and I have come out to my GP. My GP was super awesome about it. She even recommended that I consider switching my health care to Kaiser because of the expanded transgender care that they offer. All of those things can be considered steps towards transition but for me it was this one simple act. I went into Walgreens yesterday after work and picked up a few essential makeup items and a few brushes. It may not be something huge but this was my first time trying to do anything, for me, as me. I was dressed in boy mode and did not panic and did not feel uncomfortable doing this. Nobody game me any crap and the guy at the register just rang me up and sent me on my way. I did buy my wife a little stuffed Halloween kitty too. The only things I still need to get to start my makeup training are an orange concealer for my beard area and some kind of moisturizer. I will also get some remover so that I don't use up what my wife has for herself. My next step is going to be to get some panties. I am going to start wearing them instead of boxers. Then I am going to make a trip to our Goodwill and see if I can find something to put together an outfit to wear at home. My first appointment with the new therapist is on October 5th. I'm going to give her the general rundown and let her know that I want to work towards starting HRT. I'm not sure how long it will be until I start with the hormones but I do want to start moving in that direction. I have already started a consistent exercise routine and changed my diet to be more healthy. I want to lose 80 or 90 pounds eventually. That's going to be a long road but so it this transition journey. I'm going to see about getting a couple of pictures of myself as I am now at the beginning of the end of my male period. It should be fascinating to see how it all turns out. I am hoping for some positive physical changes but what I want more than anything or the positive mental changes. I'm tired of being depressed and angry with life. I am trying very hard to be more positive in general. It's not an easy thing for me to do. I have felt negative for most of my life. I am guessing that's a product of not fitting in my own skin correctly. There could be other reasons as well. I try to smile as much as I can. Once again, not easy for me. It's a constant struggle with my established self. George has always been solemn and melancholy. Gabrielle embraces the light and the good in every turn. She is timid and full of self doubt but eager to break out into the joy that is her birthright. Sorry if this seems over dramatic but it is close to my heart and has me excited for the future in a way that nothing else ever has in my life. As time goes on I will revisit this thread and post updates. I'll have to look into getting pictures on my posts. I have to admit that it's pretty daunting to consider sharing my current picture. There is nothing whatsoever feminine about my current appearance except for the occasional smile. I am hoping as my body molds into a new shape with diet and exercise that I can begin to explore the myriad of feminine fashions available. My ultimate goal is to look good in a dress or skirt. I may never be a beauty but that doesn't mean that I will never feel pretty. Love and faith to all of you.
Gabrielle
Hi Gabrielle, this is a good way to chronicle your transition. It is handy to have them to check and recall on the progresses you have achieved. I like to update mine with important milestones, troubles or joys and sometimes just fun stuff. When I do have pressing moments that need a wider range of members to view it, I make sure I post it separately in a more detailed manner than I would in Jess's Mess. This way it's more likely to get a response.
It sounds like you're ready to tackle life head on and experience it on your terms. I'm happy to hear you're open with your doctors and your wife and that they are giving you the support you deserve.
I'll be keeping tabs!
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on September 28, 2018, 03:35:00 PM
I am hoping for some positive physical changes but what I want more than anything or the positive mental changes. I'm tired of being depressed and angry with life. I am trying very hard to be more positive in general. It's not an easy thing for me to do. I have felt negative for most of my life. I am guessing that's a product of not fitting in my own skin correctly. There could be other reasons as well. I try to smile as much as I can. Once again, not easy for me. It's a constant struggle with my established self. George has always been solemn and melancholy. Gabrielle embraces the light and the good in every turn.
Gabrielle
Be you, and I'm thinking, if you let yourself be the full and real you, then the positivity and ability to smile more frequently will come along for the ride without much effort.
Cheers, and yayyy!
:)
Anita
Gabrielle, thanks for including us in your journey. It sounds like you are doing really well.
Big hugs
Karen
Since I'm not above bribery I bought my wife the new Cher Dancing Queen cd as a gift today. Apparently this has made me a heroine. YAY this is my first time being the heroine and not simply the hero. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
So please humor me with this one last addition tonight. To me it was significant enough to build some hope. I took my wife to the drive in tonight. She loves to go to the drive in. We listened to Cher on the way over. When we got to the theater and parked. We had a little dinner before the movie was going to come on. During some friendly chatting my wife said "I don't deserve you but I love you. We will just figure the other things out."
She held my hand for the first time since I came out to her when I walked her to the restroom. She even put her hand on the back of my head while the movie was playing. All right f these are things she hasn't done since that day I came out to her. I'm crying tears of joy as I type this. Goodnight. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
That is big. You are showing such love and gratitude to her. And she is realizing how much she loves and cares for you. Very special.
My wife and I hVe been through many stressful periods, and things are going much better. My dysphoria and fear of judgement and need for empathy was triggering fear and judgment in her. It was a bad cycle. Since I have been on antianxiety meds and anti androgens, I have been much more confident and clear in my mind. I am now able to be more loving and show more gratitude. It has mirrored back to me more than ever imagined. My wife was very scared.
You are doing amazing.
Karen
Gabrielle,
I wish you love and luck in the journey before you. Love your wife. Be patient. Go slowly. Keep her in the loop. You don't know all of what lies before you, so don't make promises you may not be able to keep. Invite your wife to make this journey of self-discovery with you.
There is much wisdom to be found here. If you ask, we will share. There is compassion and support if you call upon us. I have added this thread to my ever-growing list of emerging women's stories I try my best to follow.
Hugs to you both,
Stevi
So I have this thought today about why I'm struggling so much to let go of my past and give my female self the chance that she deserves? The short answer is that it will hurt my relationship with my wife if I press too hard. The pressure is very high for me right now to express myself. So many other ladies here say that they feel so much better merely by dressing they way they want. Why am I having such a hard time doing this for myself? I keep adding the panties to an online cart and then just don't follow through. It's not fair to feel the guilt that I do for wanting to be who I am. It's shouldn't be this hard to wear some clothes. I know that it's not just the clothes but what they represent to my mind and soul. I really wish that Kenna had taken this better and would feel less resistant to seeing my present myself differently.
One of the crazy thoughts I had today was about how bad high heels are for your feet and back but at the same time wanting to put on a pair so bad that it actually aches in my belly. I saw a very attractive lady walking into work this morning and this was the trigger for that thought. She was wearing some really cute heels with a below the knee skirt and I thought if only I could do that. There is no law against it. Not even a dress code really. I work in IT doing desktop support so I could never wear that to work even if I were presenting full time. You can't crawl under desks in a cute skirt.
I find that I am more and more attracted to socially feminine things. I recently changed shampoos to the wonderful smelling chia seed based volumizing formula. It smells like Heaven to me. It's got a very strong "female" scent and it lasts pretty much all day. I love the way I can smell it when I get in my car with the windows closed. It smells pretty and in a small way makes me feel pretty. Even though I have to wear men's clothes. I also started using a "feminine" shaving foam. It's has a wonderful soft scent. Nothing male at all about it. I want to switch my body wash to something "feminine" as well but feel like this is too much of an overload for my wife.
She doesn't want to talk about it yet. She refers to my transition as "THE THING" and just doesn't want an ongoing discussion. I'm trying to be respectful of her position. This is so much harder on her than it is on me. At least I've had glimpses of myself for 52 years, but she has only known George. And that's been for twenty years.
Sometimes it feels like I'm standing at the base of Mt Everest and being out, open, and unashamed can only be achieved if I reach the summit. Why does it feel so huge? Isn't there any way to make this all easier on everybody involved? This is where my journey stands today. Two days before my next therapy session. I sure hope that I can get along with my new therapist and that she can get my started towards HRT pretty soon. I think knowing that I can get there soon will be enough to help curb my anxiety. Thanks for listening to this lost girl whine. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on September 29, 2018, 02:01:52 AM
So please humor me with this one last addition tonight. To me it was significant enough to build some hope. I took my wife to the drive in tonight. She loves to go to the drive in. We listened to Cher on the way over. When we got to the theater and parked. We had a little dinner before the movie was going to come on. During some friendly chatting my wife said "I don't deserve you but I love you. We will just figure the other things out."
She held my hand for the first time since I came out to her when I walked her to the restroom. She even put her hand on the back of my head while the movie was playing. All right f these are things she hasn't done since that day I came out to her. I'm crying tears of joy as I type this. Goodnight. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on October 03, 2018, 04:18:36 PM
She doesn't want to talk about it yet. She refers to my transition as "THE THING" and just doesn't want an ongoing discussion. I'm trying to be respectful of her position. This is so much harder on her than it is on me. At least I've had glimpses of myself for 52 years, but she has only known George. And that's been for twenty years.
Gabrielle
Gabrielle
Your wife clearly loves you and although she is opposed to full acceptance at this stage, it is quite possible she will accept in her own time providing you may compromises and do not rush her. There are of course no guarantees.
I hope you and your wife can resolve in due course such that you may live as the real you.
I wish you the best of luck tomorrow with your new therapist and success in your transition as a whole.
Hugs
Pamela
I agree. My wife has made a lot of progress in accepting. It has taken me starting anti anxiety meds and AA...to calm me down, time, couples therapy / emotional based therapy to get things on the table, and minor changes in me and how I present to the world.... It has been a year or so for us and we are in a much better place and are now working on bringing our kids into the picture.
Good luck! There is a great google video and Book by Marcy Madden. She tells her story of moving through everything from shock, hurt, anger to ultimately defining love in the truest sense.
Hugs
Karen
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on September 28, 2018, 03:35:00 PM
Alright here I go. This will be my first official post tracking my transition. I've seen a lot of other ladies do this and I guess this is as good a place to begin as any. Yesterday I made my first step into transition or at least in my own eyes. Yes I came out to my therapist and yes I came out to my wife. I have been referred to more of a gender specialist therapist and I have come out to my GP. My GP was super awesome about it. She even recommended that I consider switching my health care to Kaiser because of the expanded transgender care that they offer. All of those things can be considered steps towards transition but for me it was this one simple act. I went into Walgreens yesterday after work and picked up a few essential makeup items and a few brushes. It may not be something huge but this was my first time trying to do anything, for me, as me. I was dressed in boy mode and did not panic and did not feel uncomfortable doing this. Nobody game me any crap and the guy at the register just rang me up and sent me on my way. I did buy my wife a little stuffed Halloween kitty too. The only things I still need to get to start my makeup training are an orange concealer for my beard area and some kind of moisturizer. I will also get some remover so that I don't use up what my wife has for herself. My next step is going to be to get some panties. I am going to start wearing them instead of boxers. Then I am going to make a trip to our Goodwill and see if I can find something to put together an outfit to wear at home. My first appointment with the new therapist is on October 5th. I'm going to give her the general rundown and let her know that I want to work towards starting HRT. I'm not sure how long it will be until I start with the hormones but I do want to start moving in that direction. I have already started a consistent exercise routine and changed my diet to be more healthy. I want to lose 80 or 90 pounds eventually. That's going to be a long road but so it this transition journey. I'm going to see about getting a couple of pictures of myself as I am now at the beginning of the end of my male period. It should be fascinating to see how it all turns out. I am hoping for some positive physical changes but what I want more than anything or the positive mental changes. I'm tired of being depressed and angry with life. I am trying very hard to be more positive in general. It's not an easy thing for me to do. I have felt negative for most of my life. I am guessing that's a product of not fitting in my own skin correctly. There could be other reasons as well. I try to smile as much as I can. Once again, not easy for me. It's a constant struggle with my established self. George has always been solemn and melancholy. Gabrielle embraces the light and the good in every turn. She is timid and full of self doubt but eager to break out into the joy that is her birthright. Sorry if this seems over dramatic but it is close to my heart and has me excited for the future in a way that nothing else ever has in my life. As time goes on I will revisit this thread and post updates. I'll have to look into getting pictures on my posts. I have to admit that it's pretty daunting to consider sharing my current picture. There is nothing whatsoever feminine about my current appearance except for the occasional smile. I am hoping as my body molds into a new shape with diet and exercise that I can begin to explore the myriad of feminine fashions available. My ultimate goal is to look good in a dress or skirt. I may never be a beauty but that doesn't mean that I will never feel pretty. Love and faith to all of you.
Gabrielle
Hi Gabrielle
As we've private messaged back & forth, I took a short trip to Anaheim, close to 'your neck of the woods.'. So please forgive me, for just this evening, on the flight home, I'm catching up on posts.
Like you my first step was to come out to my wife. The second person I came out to was a close friend of my wife's. She's gonna need to talk, because she (nor I) ever imagined 'for better or worse' involved a mtf transition.
As you know I've found a therapist? I've also reached out to my PCP and asked some direct / non identifying questions. I got a kind of vague response. So I still don't know her opinion about ->-bleeped-<-. I'll find out this coming Friday, 10/12/18, as she is offering a walk in flu shot clinic. On that day I'll make sure she understands the person I was asking her about is me.
Also, like you, my facial appearance is not particularly feminine. Looking in the mirror, I see my mother, or alternately a face that would petrify Medusa. Let's just say some serious FFS will be needed unless HRT does much more than can be realistically expected.
I'm not doing makeup yet. I'm hoping Sephora will offer one of their Transgender makeup classes in my area soon. I put myself on their mailing list.
My transition so far has been clothing related. Right now I try to present as gender neutral.
As we talked privately, I've been in Anaheim at Disney for the last 4 days. I've presented the whole time in girl mode which is really androgenous for me. I may have caught a break as it was Anaheim Gay Days this weekend, so if people had any observations or thoughts, they kept them to themselves. (I hadn't come to terms with myself when we set up this trip so I didn't KNOW about AGDs until we arrived.)
Speaking of Disney, I'm more & more comfortable converting my wardrobe to the female persona.
I went in to the Disney Dress Shop at Downtown Disney this morning. I first found a dress that I thought I would look great in but they didn't have my size. They had my wife's size. She wasn't interested. I then found a sleep shirt with the caption of 'Unfairest of them all'. Well after raising 3 daughters, who now have given us 5 granddaughters, and being on my second marriage, can you possibly imagine how many times I've heard that I'm UNFAIR? I bought the top for me, AND WILL PROUDLY WEAR IT PUBLICALLY!
As to weight, I'm down 7 (if I didn't put it back in in the last 4 days).
Finally, about timidity: I hope and pray that HRT provides you relief. For me, just getting off the antidepressants, and a little OTC Estrogen & Progesterone cream has helped (but I'm still needing to get on prescription hormones.) Last night, I danced!
One our 2 ABD guides is a professional dancer. She has danced for Disney in movies, and in the parade at DCA.
During last night's parade, she showed me the steps. (Since you're also marching they're not that complicated) and we danced to the parade, and sang the music for a good 5 or 7 minutes. I loved it, and felt so comfortable. (I am a semi pro singer.)
As I move more and more to full womanhood, I'm feeling so much more ecstatic as I'm finally coming home to my mind & heart.
I pray you get there soon for yourself.
Please let us stay in touch.
Kate
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
So I have taken a small step forward today in my journey. I ordered some panties and I'm going to try a pair of pantyhose. I know these seem like really small things to most people but I haven't worn any women's clothes since I was in my early teens. I'm taking a baby step here but it feels good. I'm really excited to have these next week. I'm hoping they arrive before my next therapy session next Friday. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Wishing you a wonderful weekend also Gabrielle. I know you will enjoy the underwear as we all do.
I hope you have a successful therapy session on Friday 20th.
Hugs
Pamela
Have fun Gabrielle.
I was exactly here 12 months ago. Initially it was major rush of desire and fear, and amazing. Now it's normal, and me, and what I always dreamed it should be.
Have fun
Karen.
Gabrielle
Baby steps on the road to being who you are is wonderful.
How does the saying go? 'A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step!'
Congratulations!
Kate
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: jkredman on October 13, 2018, 08:49:14 AM
Gabrielle
Baby steps on the road to being who you are is wonderful.
How does the saying go? 'A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step!'
Congratulations!
Kate
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thank you Kate,
I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I do feel a kindred spirit with you sister. It's good to make friends along the way that can share my experiences in a way that lets them truly relate. I noticed today that my status here on Susan's changed to neighbor. That feels really nice to be thought of as a neighbor.
I decided that the broken cross symbol worked for me so added that as an avatar until I can come up with an acceptable image to upload. I would rather not use my male image. I have nothing of myself in a femme mode. I'm still taking those baby steps. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
So something special happened last night. I sent my therapist an email to let her know that I was going to bring her copies of my journal entries that she asked about in my sessions. I asked her if she would like a digital copy in advance to review before our next session on Monday. At the same time I told her for the first time that online I had chosen the name Gabrielle and when I signed my email i did it with an aka Gabrielle. She responded to me later in the evening with a Dear Gabrielle. I can't even begin to express how much that meant to me. She is the first person that I have met face to face that has ever addressed me with this chosen name. Even if it was just in writing it made me cry. I hope that you all have the most wonderful Tuesday ever. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Gabrielle:
It does feel good to see & hear your authentic self name.
[emoji23]
I love reading hearing the word Kate!
I'm so very happy for you!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
OMG I gained another notch on my belt today. That is two notches since I started eating better and being more active. This is so awesome!!! Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Yeh ;D...
I dropped my first notch yesterday after giving up bread... still looking to drop another 2 though.
Keep up the good work girl!
love
Alice
Quote from: Alice (nym) on October 26, 2018, 04:40:39 AM
Yeh ;D...
I dropped my first notch yesterday after giving up bread... still looking to drop another 2 though.
Keep up the good work girl!
love
Alice
Thank you Alice,
I wish that I could say I only need a couple more notches but this is a start. I am looking to lose something close to 100 pounds but I will start with one and keep going from there. Eventually, I would like to have a realistic compact frame. I am so far overweight for my height. In my mind I am a thin petite lady. I want the exterior to match my inner self. I need to put more effort into exercise. Right now, I'm getting more walking than any other exercise but I want to get more intense activity involved. My body is ready to change. I just have to do my part to allow it to adapt. My diet has greatly improved and that's where most of the change is probably coming from. It's part of my journey to become that woman that I've always wanted to be. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
So I had another session today. My therapist is really trying to steer me away from HRT and surgeries. She is strongly suggesting that I try to live genuine at home if I can get my wife to accept that situation. I'm open to any possibilities but I have my doubts that dressing at home will be enough in the long term. I'm feeling dazed and confused. Maybe I should break out some Led Zeppelin? My wife is going to come to my next session in a week. I'm hoping to have a better understanding of her mindset and opinion after that session. I'll keep you all in the loop as my journey continues. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Good luck Gabrielle with the next session with your wife.
I know a lot of people in the past have had to live in role before being allowed HRT, I think that's pretty barbaric. The only thing that it proves is a commitment to transition, or a conviction that you are genuine. But if you had a bacterial infection would you be required to prove it was an infection by living with it for a year before being given antibiotics? There is a difference between being given hormones for a month or two to see how you feel with them and full transition.
But then again Gabrielle, you could always dress down and wear jeans and a t-shirt that are bought from the women's section instead of the men's section and theoretically you are living in role. When I pick my daughter up from school, the women there and my wife, rarely wear skirts and dresses, rarely wear a lot of make up.
My plan has always been to start off androgynous. As I was explaining to a TERF this morning, how I feel is not determined by the clothes that I wear. I am not doing this to dress up like a princess every day.
Hang in there
love
Alice
Quote from: Alice (nym) on October 29, 2018, 09:50:17 PM
Good luck Gabrielle with the next session with your wife.
I know a lot of people in the past have had to live in role before being allowed HRT, I think that's pretty barbaric. The only thing that it proves is a commitment to transition, or a conviction that you are genuine. But if you had a bacterial infection would you be required to prove it was an infection by living with it for a year before being given antibiotics? There is a difference between being given hormones for a month or two to see how you feel with them and full transition.
But then again Gabrielle, you could always dress down and wear jeans and a t-shirt that are bought from the women's section instead of the men's section and theoretically you are living in role. When I pick my daughter up from school, the women there and my wife, rarely wear skirts and dresses, rarely wear a lot of make up.
My plan has always been to start off androgynous. As I was explaining to a TERF this morning, how I feel is not determined by the clothes that I wear. I am not doing this to dress up like a princess every day.
Hang in there
love
Alice
Thanks Alice,
I really appreciate your well wishes. I'm having a very rough day today. I am feeling like my once possible future as an open female is just a wish. What is happening to my wife due to this is just crushing my soul. I am sick to see her in the pain and depression that she is suffering. She is completely dependent on me. She has no job or friends and no way to live on her own. Even if she wanted to leave she has no way of leaving so she is forced to be here with me with whatever happens. She is watching the man that she loves disappear and it has broken her. The country may decide next week to continue on the same path that we've been traveling for the last two years and if that happens, then I am certain all rights and protections of benefits for transgender people will vanish. What good is it to transition when the one person on Earth that I love most can't accept me and the society around me will also define me out of existence before I can even become my true self?
This is just how I feel today. I certainly hope that tomorrow will be better. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Gabrielle,
My journey from the day I came out to my wife, nearly seven years ago, to where we are today, I just this week came out on Facebook to "finish" my transition, was arduous and painful for both of us at many points along the way. I know your case is unique to you as mine was unique to me. But, I just thought I would let you know there is cause to hope even when it seems so dark. Please, don't despair. Be kind, sympathetic, patient and, above all, loving.
I wish well,
Stevi
Quote from: Stevi on October 30, 2018, 03:33:39 PM
Gabrielle,
My journey from the day I came out to my wife, nearly seven years ago, to where we are today, I just this week came out on Facebook to "finish" my transition, was arduous and painful for both of us at many points along the way. I know your case is unique to you as mine was unique to me. But, I just thought I would let you know there is cause to hope even when it seems so dark. Please, don't despair. Be kind, sympathetic, patient and, above all, loving.
I wish well,
Stevi
Stevi,
Thanks so much for your encouragement. Today is just very difficult. Everything just feels like it's crumbling at the moment. My life, my marriage, our country, and nothing seems to have any hope tied to it. I certainly hope that I feel differently tomorrow. Congratulations on your personal transition success by the way. I wish the very best for you. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Gabrielle,
You are most welcome.
Stevi
So, today I have a session at 4:00pm. My wife has agreed to come with me to this session. I am terrified at what I am going to hear. Please wish me luck and help me hope for the best. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Good Luck Gabrielle
:( it did not go well. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
:( Sorry to hear that. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat.
love
Alice
Gabrielle,
Sorry to hear the joint session did not go well. Is there anyway we can be of help? Maybe a shoulder to cry on?
Hugs and hope,
Stevi
Thank you ladies for being here for me. I know that you of all people understand the struggle I am facing. Especially those of you who are married. It's all so painful to deal with. I'm finding it more difficult to just function in society the more that my wife pulls away from me. It is our 18th anniversary on Sunday and I have never felt so far away from her as I do now. I want to be close to her and feel that intimate connection that has always been there since we met. It seems like it's miles away now. Whenever I try to connect she just lets my attempt hang. She doesn't reject me, she just doesn't embrace my attempts like she used to.
I tried to let her vent during the session yesterday but she really didn't want to open up at all. My therapist kept trying to get her to open up and expand on some of her feelings about what going on but she just doesn't seem capable of it at this point.
After the session she would not let me touch her, she was visibly upset and said that she felt she was being judged in the session. I'm sure that she meant by my therapist but it felt like she had implied that she felt it from me as well. I don't judge her for her anger and feelings that I betrayed her but I want to find a way past those feelings. Without a two way conversation, we can't work through it.
I'm so afraid that we will never be able to reconnect and rebuild our intimate relationship. Physical touch is extremely important to me. I don't necessarily need sex but I need that intimate connection. Hugging and kissing and feeling the warmth of an honest togetherness. I do love sex but it's not the most important thing to me.
I know that it's only been a few sessions with my new therapist but after yesterday it just feels like there will be no happy ending for me. It feels like my wife will never accept me as being female and will never want us to be intimate again. It appears that we may be able to be best friends but that looks like the extent of my possible future with her. I'm so very sad over this. She is my life and I have nothing without her. All of my hopes and dreams have been built around being in a relationship with her. A loving and intimate relationship. I do feel very empty inside. The world just seems colder and less inviting that it ever has before.
Oh and the last thing is that she seems to be very negatively affected by my decision to wear panties. This one really hurts me deeply. When I wear panties, I feel more real. I feel more genuine in my own mind. I have a better attitude towards the world in general when I wear them. But I can't discuss this or explain it to my wife because she doesn't want to know anything about that. I don't even let her see me in them ever. I dress and undress out of her sight and I wash them myself so she doesn't even have to touch them. The one thing that makes me feel better that I have done is absolutely revolting to her. This is something I just can't wrap my mind around.
We have a trip to Vegas booked for our anniversary week, next week, and I don't know how to even approach it. I bought her tickets to see Cher because she loves Cher. We are going to be there four nights and we will have a king sized bed. In the past, these trips meant that we would try lots of new things. Especially when we were intimate. Now She will just sleep as far away from me as possible and to ease her frustration I will not even bring the panties along. I will just wear all of my normal everyday guy clothes. I want to wear something pretty. I want to be feminine. I hate my life right now. I am sorry for being negative. Danielle will be disappointed that I can't find a way to turn this into a positive but I just don't feel it right now. Thank you all for listening. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
I am so sorry to hear what happened. Are you getting any support else where? Have to found a local trans group for example? I find my local group very helpful and supportive where my wife isn't. Sometimes it is just nice being with real people who are no different to ourselves. I always leave feeling positive even when the meeting has had negative elements.
I wish I knew what to say about your wife. Perhaps schedule an appointment with your therapist to discuss it with them now they've had a chance to meet your wife too.
I'm kind of resigned to the fact that our marriage is over. We've had not intimacy for 8 years. She won't hug me, she won't kiss me, she won't hold my hand, we sleep in different rooms... we are only together for my daughter. The day after I see the psychiatrist will be the day that she finally has to face up to the fact that I am very likely going to be transitioning.
Accepting that my marriage is ended is not an easy thing to do. Especially as we don't fight with each other.
If your wife can't come around to accepting you then you will need to make the choice of transitioning or returning to male mode for the sake of your marriage... but will she accept that? And more importantly are you capable of living the lie?
Hopefully, she will come around to supporting you. I hope that she does. Making the choice is incredibly difficult and only you can do that. But in the meanwhile, I would recommend finding a local trans group for some additional support if you have not already done so.
*hug*
love
Alice
Gabrielle,
I am so sorry you find yourself in the position you are in. I can relate to the need for a loving, caring relationship with your wife. On the road to our present excellent relationship, we went through some very dark times. One of the difficulties my wife had was hopelessness. She could not see how it could all turn out OK. She could not find where it had turned out OK for anyone. Every case she learned about seemed to fall short of what we had before I came out to her.
The reason I tell you that is as a preface to offering to connect you wife privately with my wife so your wife can speak/write to someone who is able to see her side because she has been there yet knows that it is possible to, in the end, be more than OK.
I know it might be impossible to even broach the subject with your wife, but if she wants to make the connection, let me know. I'll get my wife's email or phone number to you to pass along.
(HUG)
Stevi
So yeah, it's been a rough day today. I am sitting at my desk crying and can't stop. It's cold and rainy outside and it just feels like it is a perfect match to my current mood. I really need to start a physical transition. I know that I am never going to be able to be truly happy again as a guy. I just hate so much that I am tearing my wife's world apart. God help me please.
Gabrielle
Gabrielle:
I know it's terribly hard. My transition coach keeps reminding me to go slow and be totally transparent.
She probably thinks her husband is dying. And at the same time she 's clueless at how deep our pain truly is.
I know it hurts but try to slow down.
Ive rescheduled with my endo 3 times because the woman I love is struggling. I'm looking at a 4th reschedule.....
Question: is your therapist including your wife in any conversations?
My coach meets with my wife and myself individually for about 30 minutes each and then the three of us talk for about an hour. It's working for us.
Just a thought.
Know that I'm praying for you two.
Kate
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I'm sorry Gabrielle that I missed this post. So sad to hear life is hitting you hard right now. Have you looked to see if there are any support groups that can help you wife where you live? Did you find a support group near where you are? And if so, has anyone else who is further down the line of transitioning have a similar experience who could perhaps help you? Or is it possible for someone else's wife to help your own?
If not, then there might be somewhere online that can provide support for your wife.
Keep strong girl
*hug*
love
Alice
Gabrielle, I am a bit late to this thread, but I wanted to let you know there is hope. I have been married 34 years and we have two wonderful daughters. I started HRT on 23 March 2017 and went full-time on 16 Feb 2018. I expected my wife to leave, after decades of my anger and rage I thought this would be the last straw for our marriage. For months we slept in different rooms, and I didn't dare talk about it. Once we began going to therapy things began to improve. About 16 months after my journey began, my wife finally started to see the changes. Our relationship is now stronger than ever, and once again we are in love. Never lose hope. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: jkredman on December 08, 2018, 11:27:34 PM
Gabrielle:
I know it's terribly hard. My transition coach keeps reminding me to go slow and be totally transparent.
She probably thinks her husband is dying. And at the same time she 's clueless at how deep our pain truly is.
I know it hurts but try to slow down.
Ive rescheduled with my endo 3 times because the woman I love is struggling. I'm looking at a 4th reschedule.....
Question: is your therapist including your wife in any conversations?
My coach meets with my wife and myself individually for about 30 minutes each and then the three of us talk for about an hour. It's working for us.
Just a thought.
Know that I'm praying for you two.
Kate
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Kate,
Thank you for the well wishes and input. My wife came to a session with me and did not like my therapist. She felt attacked and blamed by her so that did not go well. My wife has her own therapist she sees for several issues but she is not really interested in being involved with my therapist at all. I, on the other hand, really like my therapist. She is real and down to earth. She engages me and I don't just tell her my thoughts and issues without feedback. She really has helped me find some root causes to other problems that I have never even tried to address in my life. In our last session this Monday she brought up hormones and she is of the opinion that if I want to start them then I should. The other side of the argument is exactly what you pointed out. Moving on to an active transition is going to put further strain on my relationship with my wife. So a rock and a hard place. Deep down I really feel that I need to transition. I don't know if I need full GRS or not but I need to start feeling like my body fits more to my mind. Sitting in neutral is just causing me more anguish. What I really need to be able to find is a support group that I can attend in person. I live in a pretty decent size city and feel that it is pretty depressing to not be able to find a group relatively easily. There are a bunch of them in LA or Orange County but it quite a distance and the traffic to reach them would be a serious detriment. Thank you so much for your prayers. That means more to me than you can imagine. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Alice (nym) on December 09, 2018, 04:22:53 AM
I'm sorry Gabrielle that I missed this post. So sad to hear life is hitting you hard right now. Have you looked to see if there are any support groups that can help you wife where you live? Did you find a support group near where you are? And if so, has anyone else who is further down the line of transitioning have a similar experience who could perhaps help you? Or is it possible for someone else's wife to help your own?
If not, then there might be somewhere online that can provide support for your wife.
Keep strong girl
*hug*
love
Alice
Thank you so much Alice. You are truly a sweetheart. You know where I'm at via our PMs but it's not all bad and I am doing better than I was a few days back. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 09, 2018, 06:11:15 AM
Gabrielle, I am a bit late to this thread, but I wanted to let you know there is hope. I have been married 34 years and we have two wonderful daughters. I started HRT on 23 March 2017 and went full-time on 16 Feb 2018. I expected my wife to leave, after decades of my anger and rage I thought this would be the last straw for our marriage. For months we slept in different rooms, and I didn't dare talk about it. Once we began going to therapy things began to improve. About 16 months after my journey began, my wife finally started to see the changes. Our relationship is now stronger than ever, and once again we are in love. Never lose hope. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica,
Your words are a wonderful encouragement. I do pray that something will happen in the future that will bring a desire for loving contact again with my wife. I do feel like it is getting close to the time to start my real journey. I have an appointment with my GP next week and we are going to discuss what steps are going to be required by my current insurance to get things moving towards HRT. I am afraid that it will end my relationship and I am afraid that it won't help me either and so then it would be a double whammy on me. So I still have to wrestle with that. I just see so many MTF timelines where people who felt many of the same things that I do have come out on the other side happy and contented with their lives. I want to be one of those women. I do fear that I will be alone and old and the only thing that I will have to cling to is being authentic. It's really whether I can conclude that the risk of that ending is worth pursuing. I'm so grateful to you Jessica and all of the ladies here like you that keep the encouragement going. I don't know what I would do without you ladies. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
So I wanted to share something positive with all of you for once in this thread. This morning I got up took a shower and blow dried my hair. When I got done combing it in place and looked in the mirror it was the first time ever I felt like my hair looked girly. It's starting to get long enough to work with a bit. I have a slight part on the side where I have always parted it in the middle. It's starting to kind of wrap around towards my chin a little. It's not long enough to be down to my chin but it is long enough to fully cover my ears. I like the way it bounces when I flick my head. I actually felt a little bit pretty today. I know that I'm not with my rugged face and all that but it just felt like the first real glimpse of the woman I want to be. It just seemed like a good day to share this with all of you. Feeling girly is really awesome. The more positive mindset is doing something unexpected and has raised my libido. Three days in a row now I am woke up and felt alive if you get my meaning. That hasn't happened in years. Too bad I don't have a real outlet for that but it's still nice to feel good. To me, that's just a reminder that being honest with myself is the best path to lead. Love and faith to all of you.
Gabrielle
I am glad you had a positive day Gabrielle. I hope they start coming more often.
@Gabrielle66 Dear Gabrielle:This is exciting for you for sure... it is so nice to start looking like the girl that you are inside and that you want to become.
"Girly" looking hair does not always have to be long, in fact there are many cute and feminine SHORT hair styles that cis-women wear all the time. I would encourage you to do a quick google search for "Short feminine hairstyles" ... you will see lots of cute and short women's hairstyles.
Most transitioning trans-women desire longer hair because it certainly can (but not always) give the visual clue of being feminine.
Please feel free to keep posting your progress as you continue in your journey.
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
Danielle Quote from: Gabrielle66 on December 19, 2018, 04:55:54 PM
So I wanted to share something positive with all of you for once in this thread. This morning I got up took a shower and blow dried my hair. When I got done combing it in place and looked in the mirror it was the first time ever I felt like my hair looked girly. It's starting to get long enough to work with a bit. I have a slight part on the side where I have always parted it in the middle. It's starting to kind of wrap around towards my chin a little. It's not long enough to be down to my chin but it is long enough to fully cover my ears. I like the way it bounces when I flick my head. I actually felt a little bit pretty today. I know that I'm not with my rugged face and all that but it just felt like the first real glimpse of the woman I want to be. It just seemed like a good day to share this with all of you. Feeling girly is really awesome. The more positive mindset is doing something unexpected and has raised my libido. Three days in a row now I am woke up and felt alive if you get my meaning. That hasn't happened in years. Too bad I don't have a real outlet for that but it's still nice to feel good. To me, that's just a reminder that being honest with myself is the best path to lead. Love and faith to all of you.
Gabrielle
For decades my hair was never more than an inch long. My last short haircut was in Dec 2016. I don't remember the date, but I was strangely happy the first time I found a knot while combing my hair. I was also exceptionally happy the day I noticed a hair in my mouth while I was eating. At first I was upset, then I smiled when I realized it was attached to my head! I began tying my hair back when I exercised because long hair is hot! The first time I felt that little pony tail brush across my back I was in heaven, I closed my eyes, and walked into a door frame. I was still smiling. After about 18 months I felt my hair was finally reaching a decent length, but I plan to let it keep growing.
It can be hard reaching these little milestones when your spouse does not share in your happiness. It was painful knowing that my wife considered every step forward I took to be another blow to our relationship. I am not sure what the turning point was, but I think it was a glorious weekend at Tia and Debi's re-wedding when we shared a house with Laurie,
@Michelle_P ,
@Kendra ,
@Steph2.0 , and
@SassyCassie . My wife got a chance to see that transitioning was not the end of who we were, but rather the start of becoming who we were meant to be. It was not an easy journey for either of us, but somehow we made it through the storm together.
My wife has even accepted and supports my decisions for GCS, and we can even joke about it now. Today we were grocery shopping. I pointed out a nutcracker and when I whispered 'I guess in a few more months we won't have a use for those', she laughed out loud.
I knew at the start that I could lose everyone I love, but the path I was on was actually hurting those I love the most. I made the choice to start HRT on my own, I didn't even tell my wife until several months after I started. I knew in my heart that it was the only way to end my pain and stay alive. I have been very lucky not to have lost anyone along the way. It is rare, but it does happen from time to time.
Love always - Jessica Rose
Jessica,
I have to say that we must be on the same wavelength. When you talk about the stages of your hair i can feel so much of the same thing up until the hair in the mouth part. Mine is not that long yet but I am certain that I will have the same reaction when it does happen. I dream of the day that I can put my hair in a ponytail and have it dance on my back. I will be grinning ear to ear when that day comes.
As far as things may or may not go with my wife. I am just trying to stay hopeful until all hope is gone. Even then, I may remain hopeful a bit longer. Lord only knows how much I still love her but if her path has to be separate from mine then I have to be willing to accept that.
I hope that you don't mind me saying that I absolutely adore your smile. It is so beautiful and genuine. I want to reach a point where joy can be seen on my face as clearly as it is on your own. Thank you again for your encouraging and inspirational comments. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
My hair is actually very curly. My stylist straightens it whenever she does my hair, and I love it. I finally bought a straightening iron and learned how to do it myself. Eventually I will embrace the curls, but that robs me of two to three inches of length, and for now I prefer the length over the curls.
I hope your wife gives this a chance before making a rash decision. My wife often said 'I didn't sign up for this', and I would respond with 'Well neither did I.' I also mentioned that when we got married it was 'for better or for worse', and she had already survived the 'worse' part. Time and patience are our friends. An occasional nudge may help, but don't push too hard or too often.
Thank you for the comment about my smile, a few others have commented about it as well. I never used to show my teeth on the rare occasions when I smiled, I was just not a very happy person. The smile magically began appearing the day I came out to my daughters -- they both accepted and supported my decision. I now smile quite often, especially when I see that woman staring back from the mirror. I still have a hard time believing it is me. I don't want to post any photos here because it is your thread, but here is a link to the last 'before' photo I posted:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236472.msg2123965.html#msg2123965
Just two years ago I would have laughed if anyone suggested that I was transgender. If I remember correctly, it was around 7:30pm on 28 Dec 2016 that I had an epiphany. In that moment, I found the source of my anger and realized I had to begin a new journey. I didn't know where or how to start and I thought it would be impossible, but I took that leap anyway. It hasn't been easy, but it is the best decision I ever made. If you want to discuss anything personal, please feel free to PM me.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
So I have reached the truly dreaded awkward hair state. I have to say that I love feeling it tickle my jawline but it sticks up on the sides like wings and gets pushed up in the back by my shirt collar. When I get out of the shower and work with it in the morning I can get it to look pretty nice with a little curl on the ends towards my face. I guess it looks a little like a bob but without the well defined layers and all that. I haven't really decided what I'd like it to look like once it really does get long enough. I was thinking that the weight would just kind of keep it coming straight down the sides of my face and that the little curl on just the tips would hopefully look cute. There is nothing cute about it right now. I'm trying not to look like a slob but don't have a clue how to work this. I do service a lot of customers in the field and don't want to be a poor representation of IT but I can't go back to short hair. I just can't. Of course, hats are not allowed so that really limits my options. Wish me luck. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
When I was at that awkward stage I used a fistful of mousse every morning to slick it down. My hair was crunchy once the mousse dried, plus it was hurricane proof. Only one or two people ever commented about my hair getting longer. Let's face it, IT folks are not typically known for their sense of fashion!
I wish you continued luck on your journey. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 04, 2019, 06:18:12 PM
When I was at that awkward stage I used a fistful of mousse every morning to slick it down. My hair was crunchy once the mousse dried, plus it was hurricane proof. Only one or two people ever commented about my hair getting longer. Let's face it, IT folks are not typically known for their sense of fashion!
I wish you continued luck on your journey. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Funny, I was going to ask for opinions about mousses or hairspray? I've never used anything other than water. I really do need to start learning how to make myself up including styling my hair. I watched an awesome video today on YouTube. There was a trans woman named Archie explaining how to feminize your features with makeup. She actually explained why she used each type of makeup and why it was being used in that location of her face. I really thought it was quite helpful. I'm just itching to try makeup. I know it's going to look stupid the first several times but I'll never learn the right way if I never try. I have to admit that I'm a bit frightened to post any pictures to get opinions since I'm not ready to be out socially yet. I want to be but I have no social skills to fit in as a proper woman. This is my year to start my transition in earnest. I never knew that you could be excited and terrified about the same thing at the same time. I'm going to be asking a lot of questions this year. You all have been so helpful to me already. I know that I can get wonderful advice here whenever I reach out. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on November 06, 2018, 02:53:40 PM
Thank you ladies for being here for me. I know that you of all people understand the struggle I am facing. Especially those of you who are married. It's all so painful to deal with. I'm finding it more difficult to just function in society the more that my wife pulls away from me. It is our 18th anniversary on Sunday and I have never felt so far away from her as I do now. I want to be close to her and feel that intimate connection that has always been there since we met. It seems like it's miles away now. Whenever I try to connect she just lets my attempt hang. She doesn't reject me, she just doesn't embrace my attempts like she used to.
I tried to let her vent during the session yesterday but she really didn't want to open up at all. My therapist kept trying to get her to open up and expand on some of her feelings about what going on but she just doesn't seem capable of it at this point.
After the session she would not let me touch her, she was visibly upset and said that she felt she was being judged in the session. I'm sure that she meant by my therapist but it felt like she had implied that she felt it from me as well. I don't judge her for her anger and feelings that I betrayed her but I want to find a way past those feelings. Without a two way conversation, we can't work through it.
I'm so afraid that we will never be able to reconnect and rebuild our intimate relationship. Physical touch is extremely important to me. I don't necessarily need sex but I need that intimate connection. Hugging and kissing and feeling the warmth of an honest togetherness. I do love sex but it's not the most important thing to me.
I know that it's only been a few sessions with my new therapist but after yesterday it just feels like there will be no happy ending for me. It feels like my wife will never accept me as being female and will never want us to be intimate again. It appears that we may be able to be best friends but that looks like the extent of my possible future with her. I'm so very sad over this. She is my life and I have nothing without her. All of my hopes and dreams have been built around being in a relationship with her. A loving and intimate relationship. I do feel very empty inside. The world just seems colder and less inviting that it ever has before.
Oh and the last thing is that she seems to be very negatively affected by my decision to wear panties. This one really hurts me deeply. When I wear panties, I feel more real. I feel more genuine in my own mind. I have a better attitude towards the world in general when I wear them. But I can't discuss this or explain it to my wife because she doesn't want to know anything about that. I don't even let her see me in them ever. I dress and undress out of her sight and I wash them myself so she doesn't even have to touch them. The one thing that makes me feel better that I have done is absolutely revolting to her. This is something I just can't wrap my mind around.
We have a trip to Vegas booked for our anniversary week, next week, and I don't know how to even approach it. I bought her tickets to see Cher because she loves Cher. We are going to be there four nights and we will have a king sized bed. In the past, these trips meant that we would try lots of new things. Especially when we were intimate. Now She will just sleep as far away from me as possible and to ease her frustration I will not even bring the panties along. I will just wear all of my normal everyday guy clothes. I want to wear something pretty. I want to be feminine. I hate my life right now. I am sorry for being negative. Danielle will be disappointed that I can't find a way to turn this into a positive but I just don't feel it right now. Thank you all for listening. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Hi Gabrielle, I understand how you feel coming out and your relationship with your wife. I am at a similar stage with my wife although our 21 year marriage has been rocky for a decade or so. Coming out to her was the last straw, something she didn't sign up for and doesn't want to have a marriage with a woman. While it hurt to hear this, I know that it was important to listen to her and really hear what she was saying. Both of us deserve to be happy. I'm happy coming out and accepting I am transgender. She needs to be happy too and if that means moving on, so be it.
I guess what I am saying is it is important to accept and love yourself first because then you can more easily recognize the love and acceptance from others. Second, you can't control what your wife believes, feels, or thinks and she deserves to be able to have these. It is our responsibility, if we love and accept ourselves, to respect our wives' beliefs, feelings, and thoughts. Our spouses have to go through their own processing of what we have said and they will process this differently than us and we need to support them as well. I know this tough! Remember, we have been thinking about coming out, accepting our reality much longer than our wives have been thinking about this.
I hope your wife can accept your true reality. It sounds like you had a loving and strong marriage before you came out. Build on that strength. I have read many stories about strong marriages that are stronger after a spouse came out transgender, some of those stories have been told in this thread.
Continue to work on yourself, love yourself, accept yourself. Your wife may or may not join you on your journey, but you will always be on the journey. Change is hard and I hope you can come to a place where you can support your wife as she goes through her process.
At the end of day, we are experiencing a rebirth and finding the happiness that has been hidden. I hope your marriage is successful and that you are happy.
Hugs Zoey
Hey Gabrielle:
I'm there with you sister on the 'awkward hair state', and the IT folk who have no sense of fashion. (Although when I found myself doing tech sales, I had to figure something out...)
Haven't gone to the mousse yet, but have settled on an idea.
I'm growing it to shoulder length and putting it in a pony tail. When I have to present as male (for the time being), I'll wear it in a low pony tail. When I can present as my true Kate self, I'm going to wear it in a high pony tail.
My transition coach connected me up with a trans friendly salon. The ladys there are great. Unfortunately I just need to let the top of my head catch up to the back and sides of my head.
Damn male haircuts.... ;-)
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
Back to the IT sense of fashion... I've always wore my hair as a bit long. As it greyed, I found it served me very well. As an older person with GREY hair, I could quickly develop a rapport with the 'C Suite'. Because it was longer, I wasn't a stuffed shirt and could develop a working relationship with the kids that were doing the work.... (An IT kid is anybody under the age of 45!)
And women that I ended up working with closely would open up. Like really open up.
One of my coworkers stopped mid conversation, once, and said; "god, I talk to you like your my girlfriend!'
She was one of the handful of people, so far, I've come out to as Trans. She's one of my biggest supporters!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on December 20, 2018, 04:43:40 PM
As far as things may or may not go with my wife. I am just trying to stay hopeful until all hope is gone. Even then, I may remain hopeful a bit longer. Lord only knows how much I still love her but if her path has to be separate from mine then I have to be willing to accept that.
Dear Gabrielle,
Can I just say how much I empathize with your story on so many levels. I am in the same process with my wife, and it can be terribly hard to be pulled between two such core needs. I think that was the hardest thing to overcome in coming out was the fear of losing her. I wish you both all the best. My wife has found the book
She Said She Said: Love, Loss, & Living My New Normal Paperback by Anne M Reid (Author) helpful. I read it to. It was somewhat triggering to have to confront the pain of the author and to see her transgender wife through the lens of the ciswife, but I am glad I read it.
In your first post you talk about your male persona as being solemn and grim before accepting your female nature. Part of my self realization was seeing the stoic, removed male I behaved as, and realizing underneath that there was a loving, free, emotional girl that was trapped and crying for release. This is the drawing I made shortly before acceptance:
(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/intermediary/f/edf81101-c607-4e0e-8977-cd999bd053b6/dcbuv1w-3c30e16e-e64b-4b8a-8213-ebb674e3e939.jpg/v1/fill/w_600,h_593,q_70,strp/inion_an_draoidh_by_krumr_dcbuv1w-fullview.jpg)
I love that you see this as a journey to being a more loving and caring self. I feel the same way. Your story inspires me to keep moving forward and I wish you all the best!
Love,
Jael
Quote from: jkredman on January 07, 2019, 11:11:06 PM
Hey Gabrielle:
I'm there with you sister on the 'awkward hair state', and the IT folk who have no sense of fashion. (Although when I found myself doing tech sales, I had to figure something out...)
Haven't gone to the mousse yet, but have settled on an idea.
I'm growing it to shoulder length and putting it in a pony tail. When I have to present as male (for the time being), I'll wear it in a low pony tail. When I can present as my true Kate self, I'm going to wear it in a high pony tail.
My transition coach connected me up with a trans friendly salon. The ladys there are great. Unfortunately I just need to let the top of my head catch up to the back and sides of my head.
Damn male haircuts.... ;-)
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
Back to the IT sense of fashion... I've always wore my hair as a bit long. As it greyed, I found it served me very well. As an older person with GREY hair, I could quickly develop a rapport with the 'C Suite'. Because it was longer, I wasn't a stuffed shirt and could develop a working relationship with the kids that were doing the work.... (An IT kid is anybody under the age of 45!)
And women that I ended up working with closely would open up. Like really open up.
One of my coworkers stopped mid conversation, once, and said; "god, I talk to you like your my girlfriend!'
She was one of the handful of people, so far, I've come out to as Trans. She's one of my biggest supporters!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi Kate,
Thanks for touching base on my thread. I so want to get to the point of being able to have a ponytail. In my mind's eye that feels like it would be the litmus test for beginning to have feminine hair. I know that lots of ladies can ROCK the short hair look but in my case, I feel that I need that long hair for my personal satisfaction. Not because it's what society expects but it's what I really want that I never was able to have in my entire life. The longer it gets the better I feel about myself. I know that may sound shallow but it really rings true in my case.
How is your transition going Kate? I know that you really wanted to try to keep your lady on board with your relationship. It seems like the last time you mentioned it that things were a bit rough and she was not really on board. Has anything changed? I do hope that very best for your Kate. We all deserve to be happy and true to ourselves. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Jeal on January 08, 2019, 02:31:02 PM
Dear Gabrielle,
Can I just say how much I empathize with your story on so many levels. I am in the same process with my wife, and it can be terribly hard to be pulled between two such core needs. I think that was the hardest thing to overcome in coming out was the fear of losing her. I wish you both all the best. My wife has found the book
She Said She Said: Love, Loss, & Living My New Normal Paperback by Anne M Reid (Author) helpful. I read it to. It was somewhat triggering to have to confront the pain of the author and to see her transgender wife through the lens of the ciswife, but I am glad I read it.
In your first post you talk about your male persona as being solemn and grim before accepting your female nature. Part of my self realization was seeing the stoic, removed male I behaved as, and realizing underneath that there was a loving, free, emotional girl that was trapped and crying for release. This is the drawing I made shortly before acceptance:
(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/intermediary/f/edf81101-c607-4e0e-8977-cd999bd053b6/dcbuv1w-3c30e16e-e64b-4b8a-8213-ebb674e3e939.jpg/v1/fill/w_600,h_593,q_70,strp/inion_an_draoidh_by_krumr_dcbuv1w-fullview.jpg)
I love that you see this as a journey to being a more loving and caring self. I feel the same way. Your story inspires me to keep moving forward and I wish you all the best!
Love,
Jael
Jael,
I wanted to thank you for sharing your beautiful drawing on my thread. I wish I had that kind of talent with art. Sadly, my mom seems to have been gifted with all of the artistic talent in my family. I am going to look into reading that book. Anything that can improve my perspective or understanding of what my wife is going through would be very welcome to me.
It's very odd looking back at my life and realizing how fake my life has been. I have had to work very hard to attempt to be the man that society expected from me. In virtually every aspect of my life I have been unable to identify fully with the "man" that I was. It was so strange that I had to guess how to act in any given situation. In school it was always easier to be around the girls than the boys. Even though it was supposed to be the direct opposite. So often I wanted to sit with all of the girls in their pretty dresses and just talk. I should have known that I was meant to be one of them. Societal standards made those girls leery about my intentions. So more often than not I was alone because I didn't feel comfortable around most of the other boys.
I actually had a wonderful session with my therapist yesterday. I really find it pleasant to be addressed by the name Gabrielle. I actually feel more calm when that happens. We talked a lot about how I can be more authentic and feel more like my feminine self. I was smiling at the end of the session after crying a lot during most of it. I felt really encouraged. On my way home I had to call my therapist to change the appointment that I had set at then end of the session. It was the first time that I had ever referred to myself as Gabrielle in a phone conversation. I can't really describe what that felt like. It really felt important.
Thank you so much Jael for taking the time to comment in my thread. It's always nice to meet a new friend and a fellow sister. I wish you all of the good fortune possible on your own journey and absolute happiness in your relationships. Love can never be wrong. I wish I had learned that lesson much sooner. Love and faith to you.
Gabrielle
So, I was super excited last Thursday at work. I wanted to post this then but there was that data outage here. Then I got a terrible cold last weekend that had me down for four days. I'm feeling so much better now and still wanted to share this. OK, so last Thursday I was having a pretty good hair day. The length is getting to be nice. It's still too short but it's definitely over the ear length. The coolest thing happened. TWO different women that I work with gave me random compliments about how they loved my hair. One of them even said she was jealous of how good it looked. I had created a cute little forward arced curl at the ends in front of my ears. So it kind of swooped in from both edges of my face. For the life of me, I haven't been able to recreate it since. But it was so awesome getting compliments from women about my hair. I was taken aback by the first one and didn't thank her immediately for the compliment. I did send her an email after a few minutes though thanking her for that wonderful compliment and for noticing. It just really made me feel good. It was validating. Nobody has asked me about how my look is changing up to this point but I really feel like being honest with them if they ever do. I am proud to be a woman. It feels right for once in my life. Thanks for listening. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Gabrielle,
So happy to hear you had such an empowering and validating experience, and thank you for your kind words about my art!! There is a lovely book called "The Voice of Knowledge" by Don Miguel Ruiz. In it he talks about how we all create our own story, we are all artists and our life is our artwork. I find it very inspirational as I go about re-writing my own story. You are definitely an artist, and your artwork is beautiful :D
I hear you about the feeling of having been 'fake'. I can really relate.
I also really appreciate your thoughtful, honest and optimistic tone. It helps me to bring the same qualities into my own experience.
Love,
Jael
I found a support group! In fact it's only a couple of blocks from my therapist and less than a mile from my work. They meet every Tuesday night. I'm excited to meet some other people that I can identify with. I'm going to try to be there next week. I'm super excited! Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Congratulation Gabrielle! I think it will be really helpful to you. Online support is wonderful, but there is something different about face-to-face contact. Good luck!
Quote from: randim on February 07, 2019, 09:56:23 AM
Congratulation Gabrielle! I think it will be really helpful to you. Online support is wonderful, but there is something different about face-to-face contact. Good luck!
I couldn't agree more. I love talking with all of you but there is not substitute for seeing a smile and even getting a hug from time to time. Now I have to admit that I am nervous and excited at the same time. Since this is so close to the time that I work, I won't be able to change clothes or do anything really to switch from male mode before the meeting. I would really like to be able to go dressed en femme. Maybe down the line I can figure that out. For now, I am just so happy to have found a support group to attend. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on February 06, 2019, 07:20:58 PM
I found a support group! In fact it's only a couple of blocks from my therapist and less than a mile from my work. They meet every Tuesday night. I'm excited to meet some other people that I can identify with. I'm going to try to be there next week. I'm super excited! Love and faith.
Gabrielle
@gabrielleDear Gabrielle:This is an absolutely important and helpful step for you and for any transitioner.... to meet others that are like-minded and in similar transition journeys as our own.
The Susan's Place Forums is exactly that sort of a thing and has been so helpful to our members here as we all share our stories, our successes, our discouragements and disappointments, etc...
Wishing you well with your involvement in your new support group...
... and the very good news is that it is very near your Therapist and near to where you work...
very handy indeed!!!!
Thank you for sharing your good report with all of us.... I am very happy for you.
HUGS and well wishes,
Danielle
YAY!
I just had to share this real quick. I took my wife to dinner today at the local buffet. When the server, who has seen us many times before, asked how are you ladies tonight? This is a first for me and I smiled all evening. So just something positive to end the weekend on. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on February 10, 2019, 10:08:12 PM
YAY!
I just had to share this real quick. I took my wife to dinner today at the local buffet. When the server, who has seen us many times before, asked how are you ladies tonight? This is a first for me and I smiled all evening. So just something positive to end the weekend on. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
@Gabrielle66 Dear Gabrielle:Thank you for sharing your terrific news regarding your wonderful and proper gendering from the food server when you were out to dinner with your wife.
Moments like this are very memorable for any transiitoner. This is something that I also would have written about here on the Forums, and also my personal pen & paper journal.
Thank you for posting this great event in your transition life.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Gabrielle:
Congrats on 'male fail'
I pray your wife was able to share your joy!!!?
Kate
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Here is my brief rundown about my support group last night. I was very apprehensive going in. I don't handle new things well many times and this had me stressed even though I was fairly sure that I would get acceptance. Thankfully, I met several wonderful folks. We shared a few stories and I am planning on going again next Tuesday. There was an older lady by the name of Michelle who brought her little support dog with her. She is 65 and just had her surgery last year. She seems to have been through a lot and I am hoping will be able to give me some meaningful advice and perhaps some tips about local resources like a hair stylist and maybe a good place for hair removal. It would be nice to have a tangible recommendation about a potential service provider. Including myself there were four MTF transwomen and there was one FTM transman. There were several gay men and in general just a nice mix of people. I am happy to have found a group of people to get to know and hopefully I will be able to call friends. Everybody take care of yourselves and have the very best day that you can. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: jkredman on February 11, 2019, 08:29:38 PM
Gabrielle:
Congrats on 'male fail'
I pray your wife was able to share your joy!!!?
Kate
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She may not truly share my joy in it but she was able to appreciate how it made me feel. That's a start I suppose.
Gabrielle
Hey, I'm just checking in. I know it's been a bit since I posted. Things are happening and I have to admit that I'm both terrified and ecstatic. I have a referral for an endocrinologist in the works now. I'm not sure how soon I will get in but I'm very anxious to have my first dose. That being said my wife is not. The struggle continues there.
So I wanted to ask a question for those of you who can recall what it was like to be at my stage. Pre hrt, but the referral was assured. I just have to ask if any of you found yourselves sexually aroused by the idea of beginning hrt? Maybe I'm an anomoly but I find myself to be in an almost constant state of arousal since I have had my doctor appointment last week where I obtained my referral. Even my nipples are almost always hard. I realize this is an odd question but I am very curious to hear any feedback. If you would rather pm me instead of posting in my thread then I'm fine with that.
Thanks so much in advance for your comments. Take care of yourselves. Talk to you all again really soon. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on March 27, 2019, 12:36:45 AM
Hey, I'm just checking in. I know it's been a bit since I posted. Things are happening and I have to admit that I'm both terrified and ecstatic. I have a referral for an endocrinologist in the works now. I'm not sure how soon I will get in but I'm very anxious to have my first dose. That being said my wife is not. The struggle continues there.
So I wanted to ask a question for those of you who can recall what it was like to be at my stage. Pre hrt, but the referral was assured. I just have to ask if any of you found yourselves sexually aroused by the idea of beginning hrt? Maybe I'm an anomoly but I find myself to be in an almost constant state of arousal since I have had my doctor appointment last week where I obtained my referral. Even my nipples are almost always hard. I realize this is an odd question but I am very curious to hear any feedback. If you would rather pm me instead of posting in my thread then I'm fine with that.
Thanks so much in advance for your comments. Take care of yourselves. Talk to you all again really soon. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Hi Gabrielle
I have to say from memory I was not "turned on" by the thought of HRT. I don't remember feeling anything sexually in regards to the prospect. Once on HRT I certainly got curious but that was about it. I would encourage you to talk this out with your therapist if its bothering you...maybe you need to explore this a bit more....Good luck with whatever you do and I hope HRT works out great for you.
Liz
First things first: congratulations on the endo referral!
I don't recall being particularly aroused while waiting for HRT. But then, I was 62 at the time. ;) I remember being cautiously optimistic, and both patient and impatient at the same time.
Congratulations on the Endo referral.
For me, no arousal, but excitement. I described it to my therapist as "being high on the HOPium."
I can't say it often enough. I've finally found peace with myself. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Kate
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Quote from: Gabrielle66 on March 27, 2019, 12:36:45 AM
I just have to ask if any of you found yourselves sexually aroused by the idea of beginning hrt? Maybe I'm an anomoly but I find myself to be in an almost constant state of arousal since I have had my doctor appointment last week where I obtained my referral...
Hi Gabrielle,
Congratulations on taking a big step forward!
I think I was too scared to feel aroused. I just remember a strange mixture of excitement and fear; I either wanted to hide in a closet or dance a jig (quite literally, que Julie Fowlis). The day I saw my endocrinologist felt like my birthday, even though I had hardly slept due to a huge meltdown between my wife and I over it.
Until actually being on HRT a while I definitely would get aroused when presenting/imagining myself as female. Now, after some time on HRT, I just feel more calm and optimistic. I'm really relieved, because I have always found my sex drive at the least an annoyance, and at worst something monstrous I wanted to rid myself of. I've read some people's accounts that HRT increased their sex drive, maybe because of depression lifting? I still have access to arousal, it is just not a constant background noise. I just feel like snuggling puppies :D
Good Luck!!!
Jael
No arousal for me either. I remember feeling frightened, yet hopeful that this would be the answer to my decades of anger. I knew within a few months of starting HRT that this was the right path for me. I wish you the best of luck on your appointment!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: jkredman on March 27, 2019, 08:11:11 AM
Congratulations on the Endo referral.
For me, no arousal, but excitement. I described it to my therapist as "being high on the HOPium."
I can't say it often enough. I've finally found peace with myself. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Kate
You know what Kate? I believe you have it right there. Ever since my epiphany I have been so anxious and depressed. Nothing has been right for me. Especially in the bedroom. Feeling a sense of freedom and jubilation, has made me feel wonderful. It's that sense of self worth that makes me feel like I can be happy again. That in turn has let loose my libido. It's a shame that I am unable to share that joy. Perhaps she will accept me again someday. I got my referral in the mail so I plan to call tomorrow. Still excited and terrified at the same time. Take care all, love and faith.
Gabrielle
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Hey ladies,
I just wanted to drop in and give a quick update. Things have been happening for me. I got my referral for the endocrinologist but had trouble getting through on the phone for an entire week. Once I got through I was told the first available appointment was in July. I got back with my insurance to see if another doctor could be contacted. The lady who handles the referrals at my doctor office said I could check around with other doctors and try to find an earlier appointment. So I found a different doctor that had an appointment available the first week of May. They are changing my referral to the doctor that has the earlier date available.
I'm excited and terrified about this new path I'm about to begin traveling. I wish that I could have some sign of blooming acceptance from my wife about where I'm heading. That hasn't happened yet but I keep hoping.
One of the ladies in my support group said she was going to start calling me Gabby because it's cute and girly. I like having a nickname. It felt really nice being there this evening. Alright that's all I had to share for the time being.Take care all of you.
Love and faith
Gabrielle
Hi:
"Gabby!" I like it!
I, Kate, concede when I finally get my name legally changed it will be Kathryn.
I'm praying that as you get closer to your appointment, your apprehension is replaced with 'HOPEium'. (High on Hopeium was a project management term we used when we thought a promise of a delivery was a bit unrealistic.)
So yes I'm praying you get your scripts, and respond to them very, very well and quickly.
I also had a problem finding an endo. The first one that was close to me, wouldn't / couldn't see me until June of this year.
Then I had an epiphany. I have known a trans-female, Kim, who lives in the Kansas City Area. We worked together for 13 years. So I called her, out of the blue, came out, and asked her who her endo was.
She first congratulated me for finally coming out. She said I was always the most understanding and empathetic person of her, in the office. She added she could always see some gender dysphoria in me. She said there had to be a strong female in me to function & excel as the only male on the team. She finished saying she thought I will be much happier facing my GD head on vs. denial and repression. She put me in touch with her endo, and left her (the endo) a message that I would be calling for an appointment.
It's a 3 hour drive up to KC, but it's any easy drive. I had my first appointment roughly a month later.
My PCP, who I had come out to when I felt I had to start my medical transition, and referred me to the endo that couldn't see me for a while, was kind enough to order the labs the endo would need.
So when I got to my endo appointment , and Patty went with me, she and I talked about my feelings, my history with the feelings, what I wanted to accomplish, my sessions with my 'Transition Coach,' and my conversation with my PCP. She asked me if I wanted breasts. My answer was a sheepish yes. (Yes I hope to grow to a D cup, but it's a bit uncomfortable to discuss with your wife preasent when she's not yet fully on board.) We then went over the Labs my PCP had ordered. It had everything covered that my endo wanted to see.
Then she reached out to Patty and talked to her about the changes she could expect to see in me, and answered every question Patty had.
I left that first visit with scripts for Spiro and Estradiol patches.
I had a hiccup with my pharmacy plan so it took a couple of weeks to get the Estradiol filled.
I started HRT the first Sunday of December. I didn't notice much until Christmas; 3 weeks later. We cantor for church. So Christmas and the Easter Triduum usually means many services in a couple or few days.
So after singing 2 Masses and finally getting home about 2 AM Christmas morning, I sat down on the sofa to relax a moment before bed. In the quiet of the still house, with a fire burning in the Fireplace, I realized I had finally found peace with myself. The anger, agitation, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, general feeling of being a freak or being wrong was gone.
That peaceful feeling was all I ever wanted. I now / still have it. And that is the best Christmas gift I've ever received.
I pray that as you find peace; Kenna, also finds peace, and realizes that when you're finally at peace, you can be more loving and attentive to her needs.
Patty struggled for months. Then one day after a period of prayer she told me and our counselor, she understood it will be all right.
Since then, she occasionally addresses me as a woman. We were going to a show together and she asked me; "What are we GIRLS going to wear?" After my hinitial dumbfoundness, we did coordinate our outfits with me enfemme (as close as it gets at the moment.)
She noted I am far more patient and peaceful. She says it shows in my face.
And finally, a funny note, since I'm developing a bust: Patty feels I need to be more modest. I'm coming off a late in the season case of Flu A. The Flu, along with Spiro will dehydrate you! It caused me to end up in the ER. Any chest pain gets you an EKG. So when the hospital gown fell off my shoulder during the EKG, exposing my B cup breast, Patty felt it needed to be covered up, and made sure I covered it back up.
My whole purpose is to share that there more things to be excited for, than to be apprehensive about.
Praying for your success.
Kate
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Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 10, 2019, 01:24:23 AM
One of the ladies in my support group said she was going to start calling me Gabby because it's cute and girly. I like having a nickname. It felt really nice being there this evening. Alright that's all I had to share for the time being.Take care all of you.
Congratulations Gabby! I love having people call me by my future name, it is amazing how a simple thing like that can have profound effects.
I hear you about your wife. I will hope for the best for you and myself.
Love,
Jael
YAY! I have my appointment set. Monday May 13th I will be taking my next big step towards authenticity. I'm so excited for this journey to start a physical manifestation. I realize that extreme physical changes are rare and take a relatively long time to show but I am praying that I will be that fortunate anomaly who has major physical changes. Developing well defined and obvious breasts are high on my list of hopes as well as a much rounder butt. I have to do my part with much more exercise. The other miracle I hope for is that my pot belly will invert to give me some key nd of an hourglass type of shape. Love and faith to all my sisters.
Gabrielle
Gabby
Congrats!
Get a couple of sports bras. Your 'girls' will become very sensitive to any bump or rub. [emoji849]
Kate
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Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 12, 2019, 01:51:46 AM
YAY! I have my appointment set. Monday May 13th I will be taking my next big step towards authenticity. I'm so excited for this journey to start a physical manifestation. I realize that extreme physical changes are rare and take a relatively long time to show but I am praying that I will be that fortunate anomaly who has major physical changes. Developing well defined and obvious breasts are high on my list of hopes as well as a much rounder butt. I have to do my part with much more exercise. The other miracle I hope for is that my pot belly will invert to give me some key nd of an hourglass type of shape. Love and faith to all my sisters.
Gabrielle
That's awesome! It is feeling painfully slow so far for me, but their are already changes, and those little steps are very empowering.
Starting a simple 20 minute a day core work out designed to suck in the muscles at the mid torso (cinching your waist) can really help give you a more curvy figure. When I am in my form fitting clothes at home, which is skin tight, I look pretty female from the neck down, and I credit most of it to cinching my waist with exercise. It is also really good for your overall health! I will never have a wasp waist or full booty, but it has made a surprising difference.
I am also REALLY hoping hrt might reposition some belly fat to my hips. My Mom is a bit of a pear shape, so I might get lucky.
I am equally hopeful that hrt will help with my body dysphoria by changing the sculpting. /crosses fingers for both of us...
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 12, 2019, 01:51:46 AM
YAY! I have my appointment set. Monday May 13th I will be taking my next big step towards authenticity. I'm so excited for this journey to start a physical manifestation. I realize that extreme physical changes are rare and take a relatively long time to show but I am praying that I will be that fortunate anomaly who has major physical changes. Developing well defined and obvious breasts are high on my list of hopes as well as a much rounder butt. I have to do my part with much more exercise. The other miracle I hope for is that my pot belly will invert to give me some key nd of an hourglass type of shape. Love and faith to all my sisters.
Gabrielle
That is awesome news Gabby! The changes will come along slowly, and sports bras will become your best friends once your nipples become sensitive. HRT did help my butt quite a bit, but the breasts I hoped for never quite materialized. After two years of HRT I was a padded 36B, so my visit to Dr. Ley for GCS included a visit from the breast fairy and I am now a 38D! I wish you all the best. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thank you so much for all of the encouragement during my latest twists and turns. I had another hiccup this morning. After setting an appointment with me last week, the endocrinologist's office called this morning to cancel my appointment. The doctor will not treat transsexuals. So after a frustrating bump and a little venting I found another endocrinologist a little further away that will indeed treat me. This new doctor is female, which I prefer. Plus, she will be able to give me an appointment in as little as two weeks. So yay for team Gabby! Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Update:
My appointment is set for the 29th in the afternoon. There are so many things running through my head right now. This is real. It's actually happening. I'm exhilarated because this is truly what I want but fearful that this will be the point that my wife can't move past. Thank you all for your continued support and well wishes. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
Gabby:
Just so you know you're not / weren't alone.
I had some problems locating an endo. I'd honestly started looking at the planned parenthood clinics in my area that provided hormones on an 'informed consent' basis.
I did catch a break. In my case I had the epiphany of reaching out to a lady I worked with years ago. She's a trans woman.
She put me in touch with her endo, and for me it has worked perfectly. I was leary of having a doctor that wouldn't coordinate with my PCP and Cardiologist. (My whole purpose for accepting my transness is to face my coping mechanisms that were slowly killing me.) How else can my endo (who works a lot with the trans community) look at single set of labs to prescribe the exact level of hormones so that when I go back for my first follow up I'm spot on!!!! (Yes after 4 months I have some boobs!!!!)
Delays are incredibly frustrating. Yes, I've started crying!!!!
But you know what: Delays can be the best thing that happen to you.
Starting out, assuming you're like me, your flying blind. For me the delays and the restarts have been the best thing for me.
I cried when I was delayed, but in the end it's been better for me!!!!
I recently found Anne Bodecker's work. She was a therapist in New England that wrote a couple of 'How to Become a Woman' books. I read the first chapter and started bawling. It was SO ME!'
Starts and Stops are the nature of our Hero/Heroine journey. Cry when you must! Once you have the tears out of your system, take a deep breath, and start again / move on!
With regards to Kenna, will she go with you?
Patty went with me. Yes at times it was uncomfortable. My endo brought Patty into the conversation and answered her questions. It was very stressful but probably the best thing.
With sisterly love
Kate
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Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 16, 2019, 02:07:40 PM
Update:
My appointment is set for the 29th in the afternoon. There are so many things running through my head right now. This is real. It's actually happening. I'm exhilarated because this is truly what I want but fearful that this will be the point that my wife can't move past. Thank you all for your continued support and well wishes. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
It's so hard to wait, and sometimes, so overwhelming when you take a big step. I feel you. Kate's post resonated with me as well.
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 16, 2019, 02:07:40 PM
Update:
My appointment is set for the 29th in the afternoon. There are so many things running through my head right now. This is real. It's actually happening. I'm exhilarated because this is truly what I want but fearful that this will be the point that my wife can't move past. Thank you all for your continued support and well wishes. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
I was nervous and scared at my first appointment. I didn't even tell my wife about it, I knew she would be mad as hell. Of course not telling her just delayed her response, and potentially made it worse. Through the miracle of love my wife has stayed with me. The first 18 months or so on HRT was like going through puberty all over again, but this time I was moving in the direction I wanted to go. As always, I wish you the best of luck.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
So this is real now. After who knows how many odd hurdles I have a real appointment on Thursday morning at 10:40. Am I scared? Yes. Am I excited? Yes.
Please give me some input on what to expect from this visit? What are the most important questions that I can ask? Will she likely give me some kind of prescription on my first visit? I know that bloodwork is essential for them to understand what's going on but will they need some results of blood tests before giving me some kind of prescription for the various medications involved with HRT.
I am so scared about the future but I want this more than anything else right now. I need to have a physical sense of how I feel inside. Just knowing that I am female is not enough. I really need some physical validation for my own sanity. I don't know how much longer I can pretend and wear men's clothes all of the time. It hurts to look at myself in the mirror wearing these clothes. I know that it's vain but I really want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel like I am pretty.
Thanks so much to all of you who have helped me to get this far. You are my heroes. Love and faith to you all.
Gabrielle
Exciting news Gabrielle! It is scary as hell... but little steps and trust me when the e starts hitting your system, after the first week you will start feeling better... won't be much in the way of other changes and it doesn't stop the dysphoria but it does lessen the down days. And because you won't be depressed all the time constantly anymore, your wife might start liking you more (mine did). So don't be scared... it will be a while before anything starts showing... nipples become erect after about 6 weeks on low dosage... not sure if full dosage makes that happen quicker... but that's about it so far. Personally, I was on a high for the first couple of weeks because I was taking a step forward. Little steps and we will get there in the end.
love
Alice
Quote from: Alice (nym) on May 06, 2019, 10:28:04 PM
Exciting news Gabrielle! It is scary as hell... but little steps and trust me when the e starts hitting your system, after the first week you will start feeling better... won't be much in the way of other changes and it doesn't stop the dysphoria but it does lessen the down days. And because you won't be depressed all the time constantly anymore, your wife might start liking you more (mine did). So don't be scared... it will be a while before anything starts showing... nipples become erect after about 6 weeks on low dosage... not sure if full dosage makes that happen quicker... but that's about it so far. Personally, I was on a high for the first couple of weeks because I was taking a step forward. Little steps and we will get there in the end.
love
Alice
Alice,
Thank you for the encouragement. I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to start on hormones yourself. It's also exciting to hear that your wife has warmed to you. That's such wonderful news. I have decided to open up to my supervisor at work and begin exploring how I am going to transition at work. I told my second co-worker about being transgender. She was super supportive and said she is totally in my corner. I have been thinking a great deal about cross dressing lately. I have to get a pretty outfit. The need has become almost unbearable at this point. I'm hoping that this step will give me the courage to finally start being myself. I'm so tired of being fake. Please keep in touch Alice. I love our little exchanges. Love you sweetie.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on May 06, 2019, 07:11:20 PM
So this is real now. After who knows how many odd hurdles I have a real appointment on Thursday morning at 10:40. Am I scared? Yes. Am I excited? Yes.
Please give me some input on what to expect from this visit? What are the most important questions that I can ask? Will she likely give me some kind of prescription on my first visit? I know that bloodwork is essential for them to understand what's going on but will they need some results of blood tests before giving me some kind of prescription for the various medications involved with HRT.
I am so scared about the future but I want this more than anything else right now. I need to have a physical sense of how I feel inside. Just knowing that I am female is not enough. I really need some physical validation for my own sanity. I don't know how much longer I can pretend and wear men's clothes all of the time. It hurts to look at myself in the mirror wearing these clothes. I know that it's vain but I really want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel like I am pretty.
Thanks so much to all of you who have helped me to get this far. You are my heroes. Love and faith to you all.
Gabrielle
Hi Gabby:
Congratulations.
I remember being so scared stiff (like you) such that the happiness was temporarily suppressed.
If your appointment goes anything like mine, she's going to ask about your therapy, your support system, your family and what they know and don't know, and your plans.
For example she may ask who you've come out to.
She'll also talk to you about side effects. In my case, my endo flat out asked if I wanted breasts. I sheepishly answered yes. (My wife was with me and I felt very awkward answering the question in her presence.)
My endo then brought my wife into the conversation, and asked her about her feelings and concerns. My endo patiently answered every question she had.
You probably won't get the script(s) until your lab work comes back. Your endo needs to see your natural levels of E & T as well as your Liver and Kidney function. Once those labs are back, then she'll know the dosage level to prescribe.
I got a little lucky in that my PCP 1) helped me find my endo, and 2) ordered the lab work my endo would need. So I did get my scripts coming out of my first appointment because we had basically a 2 week old lab report in my Electronic Medical Record to review.
I also got lucky in that the endo I'm seeing works with many trans clients. On my 3 month follow up, my hormones were right on target. We didn't need to adjust any dosages!
Once you get your scripts you may have a temporary hiccup with your insurance (if your involving them.) My insurance initially balked at my E script as a male. I had to get my gender marker with them changed to 'transgender.' (Yes, Aetna recognizes 'transgender' in addition to male & female - or maybe more accurately AMAB & AFAB.) It wasn't hard because everything was well documented by my therapist and PCP in the claims that had already been submitted. It just took a couple of weeks. So even after my endo wrote the script it took almost 3 weeks to get it covered by insurance and filled.
The last question my endo asked was when I wanted her to change my name and gender marker with the hospital system and on my electronic medical record. I didn't give her a concrete answer at that appointment, but I'm thinking I'll ask her to do it during my 9 month follow up. Yes I have breasts now, I let my hair grow out, and am losing weight which makes me feel I'm close to reasonably passing.
Finally, side note, when I saw her again for my 3 month follow up she asked me about my 3 daughters. (Remember I said your endo probably will ask about your family, and who you have, and have not come out to.) I have not come out to them. My endo flat out told me - It's time. Been working on how to do that with my therapist. I expect to have those conversations by Memorial Day weekend. We don't think I can go topless anymore while boating. :-p
Kate
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Quote from: Alice (nym) on May 06, 2019, 10:28:04 PM
Exciting news Gabrielle! It is scary as hell... but little steps and trust me when the e starts hitting your system, after the first week you will start feeling better... won't be much in the way of other changes and it doesn't stop the dysphoria but it does lessen the down days. And because you won't be depressed all the time constantly anymore, your wife might start liking you more (mine did). So don't be scared... it will be a while before anything starts showing... nipples become erect after about 6 weeks on low dosage... not sure if full dosage makes that happen quicker... but that's about it so far. Personally, I was on a high for the first couple of weeks because I was taking a step forward. Little steps and we will get there in the end.
love
Alice
Alice:
Just to add to your experience.
I started full dose and I wasn't really any different than you.
In my case I started the 1st week of December 2018. Like you, I didn't really notice anything at first. Then after a very hectic Christmas Eve, after everyone else had gone to bed, about 1 in the morning Christmas Day, I sat down on the living room love seat to relax for a few minutes. In that stillness, with a fire burning in our fireplace, I realized, that after 58 years, I finally was at peace with myself. I remember that as my best Christmas gift ever!
Kate
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It was lovely to catch up with your story Gabrielle, I took a couple of months break from Susans because I got into a bit of a heated debate and needed to let things cool down. I have a lot of support elsewhere now offline but I still love it here and appreciate the support and wouldn't like to do anything that got me banned.
I sent you a PM... not sure it went through or not... it wasn't important though.
Take care and enjoy your journey! Great to hear that you are coming out to people and they're supportive. I struggle with coming out... but slowly getting over my fear.
love
Alice
I am so nervous. I'm heading to my endocrinologist for my first visit in about an hour. I feel like I might throw up. I hope that she will be my heroine and not a disappointment. I have waited 52 years for this day. Now I'm just a bundle of nerves. I just know this is the right path for me but God help me I am still so scared of everything right now. Thank you all again for your words of encouragement and your own inspiring journeys that helped give me the courage to be authentic. I love you all. Love and faith.
Gabrielle
I was scared about my first appointment as well, mainly because I didn't know what to expect. The doctor was awesome! She asked me why I wanted to start hormones, then told me what to expect. After I signed the consent forms the prescription was on the way to my pharmacy. The first step is a big one, and there will be more big steps to follow. I hope your appointment went well, and I wish you all the best!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Update time. I liked Dr Brar. She was serious but kind and I felt a good connection right away. She gave me a rundown of the risks that I will face but didn't try to discourage me at all. She was concerned about how Kenna was uncomfortable and cried more than once. She gave me a full lab panel and explained to me exactly what each test is going to measure. Because of Kenna's obvious distress, Dr Brar suggested we talk to each other and give it a month before I come back to come to a decision about how to proceed.
She told me that she would call me after she got the results of my blood work to let me know if I should address anything with my PCP before starting on Estrogen. She told me that she would start with Estrogen alone for the first three months before considering the anti androgens.
I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now but I'm so grateful to have this opportunity. My whole life I have been confused and now I have the chance to feel whole. I wish that I had understood that this was possible when I was younger. My life without Kenna would be less beautiful in one sense but I also would have been able to feel real and complete many years ago. I don't want to spend my life looking backwards though. I prefer to keep myself focused on the future. The beautiful possibilities that lie ahead.
I'm thinking about the near future where I am wearing something frilly and girly. Something bright and beautiful. Something that makes me smile when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to experience the whole package. Stockings, a dress, garter belt, and pretty shoes. Plus I want to carry a purse that I choose for myself. I think that pierced ears and some earrings would be awesome too. I'm just praying that I don't have some hidden medical condition that would put me at too high of a risk.
Love and faith to you all.
Gabrielle
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on May 09, 2019, 08:26:36 PM
Update time. I liked Dr Brar. She was serious but kind and I felt a good connection right away. She gave me a rundown of the risks that I will face but didn't try to discourage me at all. She was concerned about how Kenna was uncomfortable and cried more than once. She gave me a full lab panel and explained to me exactly what each test is going to measure. Because of Kenna's obvious distress, Dr Brar suggested we talk to each other and give it a month before I come back to come to a decision about how to proceed.
She told me that she would call me after she got the results of my blood work to let me know if I should address anything with my PCP before starting on Estrogen. She told me that she would start with Estrogen alone for the first three months before considering the anti androgens.
I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now but I'm so grateful to have this opportunity. My whole life I have been confused and now I have the chance to feel whole. I wish that I had understood that this was possible when I was younger. My life without Kenna would be less beautiful in one sense but I also would have been able to feel real and complete many years ago. I don't want to spend my life looking backwards though. I prefer to keep myself focused on the future. The beautiful possibilities that lie ahead.
I'm thinking about the near future where I am wearing something frilly and girly. Something bright and beautiful. Something that makes me smile when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to experience the whole package. Stockings, a dress, garter belt, and pretty shoes. Plus I want to carry a purse that I choose for myself. I think that pierced ears and some earrings would be awesome too. I'm just praying that I don't have some hidden medical condition that would put me at too high of a risk.
Love and faith to you all.
Gabrielle
Thanks for the update!
I'd say you found a very good endo!!!
As my transition coach keeps admonishing me, as frustrating as it is, if we want to keep our key relationships, we must, at times, go very slow!!!
Dr. Brar's recognition of Kenna's needs, while painful to you, gives the two of you the best chance of surviving as a couple.
That said, and as one living this life with you, I had a thought. Girly may be out of the picture right now, but small steps can be taken. Would Kenna consent to you piercing your ears?
I was struggling, like you, with my spouse. I needed to take some small step forward. I talked to Patty and she agreed that it would be OK for me to pierce my ears.
I went to Claire's at their open one morning, chose the real diamond studs, which are very small, and began wearing earings. As time went on, I started wearing larger stones. I recently added a pair of hoops to my collection. While not as girly as I ultimately want-it's progress.
The best part of the whole deal happened shortly before last Christmas. Our youngest daughter was visiting, with her family, and her husband noted the sparkling of my earlobes. He Commented to my daughter and she responded: "Oh, he's threatened to do that for years." and kept right on with building a ginger bread house with Patty and her daughters / out granddaughters.
Sometimes, a very small step can help us feel so much better.
Kate
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Quote from: Gabrielle66 on May 09, 2019, 08:26:36 PM
Update time. I liked Dr Brar. She was serious but kind and I felt a good connection right away. She gave me a rundown of the risks that I will face but didn't try to discourage me at all. She was concerned about how Kenna was uncomfortable and cried more than once. She gave me a full lab panel and explained to me exactly what each test is going to measure. Because of Kenna's obvious distress, Dr Brar suggested we talk to each other and give it a month before I come back to come to a decision about how to proceed.
She told me that she would call me after she got the results of my blood work to let me know if I should address anything with my PCP before starting on Estrogen. She told me that she would start with Estrogen alone for the first three months before considering the anti androgens.
I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now but I'm so grateful to have this opportunity. My whole life I have been confused and now I have the chance to feel whole. I wish that I had understood that this was possible when I was younger. My life without Kenna would be less beautiful in one sense but I also would have been able to feel real and complete many years ago. I don't want to spend my life looking backwards though. I prefer to keep myself focused on the future. The beautiful possibilities that lie ahead.
I'm thinking about the near future where I am wearing something frilly and girly. Something bright and beautiful. Something that makes me smile when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to experience the whole package. Stockings, a dress, garter belt, and pretty shoes. Plus I want to carry a purse that I choose for myself. I think that pierced ears and some earrings would be awesome too. I'm just praying that I don't have some hidden medical condition that would put me at too high of a risk.
Love and faith to you all.
Gabrielle
Thanks for the update!
I'd say you found a very good endo!!!
As my transition coach keeps admonishing me, as frustrating as it is, if we want to keep our key relationships, we must, at times, go very slow!!!
Dr. Brar's recognition of Kenna's needs, while painful to you, gives the two of you the best chance of surviving as a couple.
That said, and as one living this life with you, I had a thought. Girly may be out of the picture right now, but small steps can be taken. Would Kenna consent to you piercing your ears?
I was struggling, like you, with my spouse. I needed to take some small step forward. I talked to Patty and she agreed that it would be OK for me to pierce my ears.
I went to Claire's at their open one morning, chose the real diamond studs, which are very small, and began wearing earings. As time went on, I started wearing larger stones. I recently added a pair of hoops to my collection. While not as girly as I ultimately want-it's progress.
The best part of the whole deal happened shortly before last Christmas. Our youngest daughter was visiting, with her family, and her husband noted the sparkling of my earlobes. He Commented to my daughter and she responded: "Oh, he's threatened to do that for years." and kept right on with building a ginger bread house with Patty and her daughters / out granddaughters.
Sometimes, a very small step can help us feel so much better.
Kate
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk