As you already know:
Sep '17 on large dose of testosterone Rx'ed for medical reason due to low T
Oct '17 Stop T body hair slows I calm down
Nov '17 talk to a trans therapist at my doctors get diagnosed with GID start GID talk therapy
Feb '18 Start hormone get laser hair
Mar '18 Mind goes totally female, realize I want to date straight men instead of women, get really attracted to men (this was a total surprise!)
April '18 go to full dose on hormones start dressing like a girl 24/7
May '18 Need bra, start acting like a girl 24/7 using women room calling myself Lexi, signing papers changing name on all unofficial things, introduce myself as a she
Jun '18 start going to MtF trans groups with licensed therapists
Summer- Start to see a lot of body changes from the HRT, went from 38B to 36B and cups filled out,(still growing now!) People always calling me she in public sometime he after I talk
Aug 18 More physical changes, EVERY part of me is somehow different from the HRT no more veiny hands or feet, soft muscles, loose lots of strength and all visible muscles are gone, arms and legs look equally female. Almost all my body hair is gone, thin or very light blonde, back hair is totally smooth under the laser and just as smooth where I didn't have it done (THANK GOD, EVEN AS A GUY I HATED THAT GROSS THICK DARK BACK HAIR!!!)
Sept'18 have to move into a really bad apartment; living situation is very bad get panic attacks, discrimination, and had a mental break down. I could write a whole thread on what happened but it was bad. Started dressing as a guys so I wouldn't get stares from the other tenants in the house where I was renting this closet sized room.
Oct 1st '18 Get out of that place into a loving place where I rent a room from a girl who is bi with other openminded roommates, but still dealing with the trauma of that last place. Having a hard time bouncing back doing therapy.
I went clothes shopping with a female friend to try and get me out of a rut, I love clothes shopping hate the strange way they do the sizes, I fit in most things because I'm short and on the small side but anyways its just a pain since the size number varies so much... you know how it is...
Does everyone go through the "I'm overloaded with life right now, and being trans is just another weight on my shoulders and even though I can't turn back physically (These boobs will never go away at this point, and the other curves and shapes are here to stay as well as the facial changes, PLUS estrogen is the only "antidepressent"/pill/medication/treatment that makes me not chronically depressed all the time. So if I stop taking it I get really depressed, clinically depressed, can't work depressed, disabled depressed ITS BAD TRIED TO FIX FOR 20 years, estrogen is the only way to fix it...
So I'm just wondering: At the begginig I couldn't wait for the hormones to work fast enough, now they are working really well, my face looks different says the doctors and family, I didn't know it could do that. My body is totally different, I shake hands and you feel a womans touch and strength. In the past if I didn't want to be trans which was maybe 2 or 3 times I just dressed like a guy and no one knew. Now thats not working especially the way my hair looks/grows and people always telling me they like my pink cheek make up im not wearing.
Ideally maybe it was better to comeout now and just show myself to family and friends and they would be like "Woa you look totally different"
I know I'm trans its genetic, there too many signs from blood tests and other thing to know I'm not a normal male. I just want to be a girl, but since I can't have that my whole thing this time was to be "I think she might be a dude or used to be a dude but regardless she's cute, small, and really girly"
But for some reason that sept experience sucked the life out of me. I am suing the landlord that got me into that mess but that's not going to fix things it never does, I do it because it will make her think twice about doing it to the next LGBT person she deals with.
How long does this last? How do you snap out of it? Does this happen to everyone? I really hope one day I will feel comfortable with myself and have changed my body enough to get SRS but I don't want to look like a dude with a vagina that would just be strange.
Don't buy a map or guide for your trans journey: As soon as you take the first step you are going to be sent down a different path each step, most paths you won't even recognize or known they could even exist!
Another thing that was adding to my dressing and anxiety, was dressing like a guy, ironically I was dressing like that to feel better.
I can't go on experience, just on hours, days, weeks of non-stop research. But it seems to me that there are 2 types of people who have difficulty with transitioning. The first, the kind you see on YouTube and right whingers like to use, are the people who were sexually abused as children and for whatever reason find themselves transitioning either to feel better about the abuse or to stop the abuse. I don't think your story fits that model. The second, isn't so much about regretting transitioning, it is about being depressed and even suicidal because the way society treats us. This isn't about transitioning but about bullies.
I am not psychiatrist but I listen to what people tell me and learn, it sounds like you are happy transitioning but not happy about the nasty way people are treating you. The problem isn't you but them. However, you do need to deal with it before transitioning because it will not go away. I have a very good friend who I chat to almost daily who went through a hard time because of the way people treated her. But she was still happy that she transitioned.
So try not to confuse the two issues. One is whether you want to transition for yourself... in a perfect nice world, would you do it? Yes? then there is your answer. The other issue is not about you but about people full of hate at anything they perceive different to themselves... 'I don't do that, so it must be wrong' attitude. That has nothing to do with transitioning. It is about bullying.
I hope that helps and I am sure someone more experienced can correct me if I've got it wrong.
I hope things get better for you now that you've found a nicer place to be and with nicer people.
love
Alice
Yes, everyone has doubts. But they pass, and your true self will shine through if you let it.
From your description of your transition progress, it sounds like things have been going well for you, with the exception of that one bad living situation. I understand that it was traumatic, but that doesn't mean that all that earlier progress was fake. It just means that you had the misfortune to run into some idiots. They were the problem, not you.
Going back to living as a guy just because of that would, in my opinion, be a big mistake. It will multiply your dysphoria. If you allow the idiots to poison your mind against yourself, then they win. You are stronger than that and better than that, and you deserve to live your life as yourself.
Lexi,
You have only been on HRT for 10 months. This is not enough time to see physical changes in your appearance. It took me almost 3 years of Estradiol before people started using female pronouns.
Did I have doubts? You bet I did! I had doubts for over 50 years. There are many reasons for that, but what it all came down to is two events in my life. First, I felt rejected by my spouse of over 40 years and second, I finally accepted myself for what I am.
I am transgender. This was the most difficult realization in my life. When I was younger the general understanding of my condition was not well understood. So, I decided to tough it out. Military service, guns, motorcycles and fast cars became my life. I was not satisfied. My feelings of gender dysphoria never went away.
Again, this was not a decision, but rather a realization of what I needed to survive. Early termination of my life was always on my mind. Later in life, I found myself quite alone in a long term marriage. Add in prostate issues that were more complicated than most and I found myself on Estradiol. Oh my! What a feeling this was. For the first time in my life my self image was somewhat in line with my body. That is when I needed to transition.
I am fully aware of the down side of transition. Costs of surgeries and loss of employment and personal relationships are just the beginning of our difficulties. Transition is not for everyone, but for me it is making the rest of my life worth living.
Everyone reacts to HRT differently. There are genetics, age and things like smoking which effect how well HRT does.
For me I was physically passable in 90 days but I have always been effeminate. So I don't know if I would put a blanket statement on it will take years to look female. Typically 6 months to 12 months is about the point when you get clocked a lot less regularly.
I've heard reports that smoking will drastically effect the effectiveness of HRT. I have also heard that age can be a factor.
When transitioning I found cardio exercises to help.
Also keep in mind people come in all shapes and sizes. A lot of passing has to do with confidence and how you move and carry yourself. How natural do you feel moving with out wide gates and your arms out?
Lastly as you pointed out voice is also a concern but you can get voice training to help with that. You may never be the highest octave but with training the resonance and inflection can become second nature and you can pass on the phone.
Quote from: Dani on November 08, 2018, 07:55:41 AM
Lexi,
You have only been on HRT for 10 months. This is not enough time to see physical changes in your appearance. It took me almost 3 years of Estradiol before people started using female pronouns.
Did I have doubts? You bet I did! I had doubts for over 50 years. There are many reasons for that, but what it all came down to is two events in my life. First, I felt rejected by my spouse of over 40 years and second, I finally accepted myself for what I am.
I am transgender. This was the most difficult realization in my life. When I was younger the general understanding of my condition was not well understood. So, I decided to tough it out. Military service, guns, motorcycles and fast cars became my life. I was not satisfied. My feelings of gender dysphoria never went away.
Again, this was not a decision, but rather a realization of what I needed to survive. Early termination of my life was always on my mind. Later in life, I found myself quite alone in a long term marriage. Add in prostate issues that were more complicated than most and I found myself on Estradiol. Oh my! What a feeling this was. For the first time in my life my self image was somewhat in line with my body. That is when I needed to transition.
I am fully aware of the down side of transition. Costs of surgeries and loss of employment and personal relationships are just the beginning of our difficulties. Transition is not for everyone, but for me it is making the rest of my life worth living.
These are all great responses.. Thanks !
This is why I feel in the middle of sexes it's like HRT is working TOO fast, that was great at first because I was excited, but now my mind isn't catching up with my body. At 6 months I saw my HRT doctor; I was wearing a dress, high heels, painted nails toes and make up. At my past appointments with her I was dressed as a guy. My doc said she almost didn't recognize me and I was where most of her patients were at 1 year to 1.5 years. This is why I feel weird and get stares when dressed as a guy in the mens room, but really I have only used the mens room 3 times in the last 5 or 6 months, I spend 6 days a week at home as I am disabled visually and can't drive so I'm thinking too much into it. I spent more time on this thread then time in the mens room now that I think about it, but can remember each time. At the beginning of my trans around may I would just confidently walk into the women's room and no one would even do a second look, although I was wearing make up and girls clothes, t shirt and pants, but no dress.
So I think my confidence is lacking. My therapist said at the beginning I was very good at being "bold" and every time she saw me I was a little bit more girly; way of sitting, my appearance, or what I was wearing. I think I just have overall anxiety now I can't shake. I know I look girly everyone says that but sometimes I forget or obsess over parts of me that are not like my butt. At least its not concave any more :)
I haven't been able to really see my face too well for 4 months and got new contacts for my eye condition and was shocked at the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I can't say what it is exactly but the fat on my jaw or cheek and nose have changed, so I know its working but I don't always see her face, some days I see his face. I can't hide being trans and I think subconciously I was relying on that. I'm actually afraid how much my boobs will grow, they were soft like man boobs, but now they are firm like girl boobs, after I lost about 12 lbs and they are the same size, or slightly bigger.
I just want to be normal somedays. I wouldn't change my mind but it's not as fun and exciting as it was. Even though the hormones have way slowed down my facial hair I absolutely disgusted by it and wear conceler over it when ever going in public. I tried laser on it and you can see it did work in spots but that was so painful, and I have taken a lot of pain before.
Quote from: NatalieRene on November 08, 2018, 11:35:51 AM
Everyone reacts to HRT differently. There are genetics, age and things like smoking which effect how well HRT does.
For me I was physically passable in 90 days but I have always been effeminate. So I don't know if I would put a blanket statement on it will take years to look female. Typically 6 months to 12 months is about the point when you get clocked a lot less regularly.
I've heard reports that smoking will drastically effect the effectiveness of HRT. I have also heard that age can be a factor.
When transitioning I found cardio exercises to help.
Also keep in mind people come in all shapes and sizes. A lot of passing has to do with confidence and how you move and carry yourself. How natural do you feel moving with out wide gates and your arms out?
Lastly as you pointed out voice is also a concern but you can get voice training to help with that. You may never be the highest octave but with training the resonance and inflection can become second nature and you can pass on the phone.
Yes I will agree that the time thing is a huge factor. I remember when I first came to these boards I would always ask "how long until I'm passable? How long until I have boobs, how long until body hair grows away" To which the answer is months to years and sometimes never. Thats the one thing no one can predict. Although age has ALOT to do with it but some people at 60 have more progress then 20 so once again it varies A LOT. My clothes stopped fitting with in weeks, then late in the summer my sizes changed again. I remember the first time a stranger called me she I was so excited! But now I hear it and sometimes I feel fake, sometimes I don't notice, sometimes I'm used to it. I still don't get why people call me she after they hear me talk that I don't get. Maybe this is what low self esteem feels like, I only had that as a kid but grew out of it when I was in my early 20's.
At this point I have no doubts about my path. At the beginning I was scared to lose everything but that hasn't happened. Lost my wife, but given how depressed I was that was likely to happen anyway. For me the 'choice' was quite simple. Transition, or stop living so it kinda took the doubt right out of it. After 30 years of hiding it was no longer possible to avoid the issue.
As for time to physical changes its only been a year on hormones and there is no man left. I have c/d cup breasts, curves, face is totally different, facial hair has been slain by laser, body hair is just... gone, muscles well I don't have any left, skin totally different. Mentally I'm totally female and 1000% happier. All the changes you describe. I'm just about to commit to surgery at this point. So, yes we do have doubts, its a hard road but its so worth it.
I can't imagine life without estrogen anymore.
Just my 2 Cents, it sounds like the practicals of life create issues, in particular finances and housing. Im sorry to hear about your bad experiences with housing. It is always one of the issues of living in shared accommodation or flats that others can / will be in your business.
Further, a good Therapist, a generalist can help you look at emotional regulation and ways to help deal with lifes stresses. Ive found this has helped me, and can only recommend it.
This next bit is easier said than done, however I will say it anyway, and please take it in the well meaning way its meant.
It sounds like you could do with earning more, and a better place to live. Money dosen't solve everything, however as from what you are saying, you find Estrogen has made you feel much better and you sound okay with a outwardly Trans Female role for yourself, it seems being in a better position financially will allow you to live life in more accordance with how you wish.
Of course this is not easy, as making a living to provide what we feel we need in life, its never easy. I don't know what advice I could give on this, as I don't know you personally, so cant advise beyond the general.
Hope this helps in some way.
Alexa.
Quote from: Alice (nym) on November 08, 2018, 06:11:05 AM
I can't go on experience, just on hours, days, weeks of non-stop research. But it seems to me that there are 2 types of people who have difficulty with transitioning. The first, the kind you see on YouTube and right whingers like to use, are the people who were sexually abused as children and for whatever reason find themselves transitioning either to feel better about the abuse or to stop the abuse. I don't think your story fits that model. The second, isn't so much about regretting transitioning, it is about being depressed and even suicidal because the way society treats us. This isn't about transitioning but about bullies.
I am not psychiatrist but I listen to what people tell me and learn, it sounds like you are happy transitioning but not happy about the nasty way people are treating you. The problem isn't you but them. However, you do need to deal with it before transitioning because it will not go away. I have a very good friend who I chat to almost daily who went through a hard time because of the way people treated her. But she was still happy that she transitioned.
So try not to confuse the two issues. One is whether you want to transition for yourself... in a perfect nice world, would you do it? Yes? then there is your answer. The other issue is not about you but about people full of hate at anything they perceive different to themselves... 'I don't do that, so it must be wrong' attitude. That has nothing to do with transitioning. It is about bullying.
I hope that helps and I am sure someone more experienced can correct me if I've got it wrong.
I hope things get better for you now that you've found a nicer place to be and with nicer people.
love
Alice
Hi Alice,
< Edited by Moderator >
To suggest they may transition to actually stop abuse, dosen't make sense, as in the case of the likes of Walt Heyer they transitioned as adults long after the abuse as a child had ceased.
Further, as not everyone who suffers child hood sexual abuse either transitions in the first place or de transitions later on theres more to these detransitions than they just decided, as they realised they have DID*. A change of their beliefs is likely which makes them not Feel Trans? Or suppress it? Evangelical Christianity and Peer Pressure?
(* As Biological factors play a part in Trans ID, its could be one would have to have the pre existing tendency towards Trans to later transition regardless of what the Trigger can be, ie prehaps you cannot be Trans due to Trauma without having the Gene already).
< Edited by Moderator >
Theres quite a few reasons one might wish to de transition. As our experience of self is subjective and in flux, one may change how they feel - they may decide Trans isn't them one day. as We don't really know for sure exactly why people feel Trans (Biological, environmental and personal choice factors are part of it, how much of each is not clear) , its not as simple as there are two reasons people de transition theres lots. De Transition IMO does not invalidate someones experience of Trans identity. People can and will go through phases in their life, and some people may have a more secure sense of self than others. (if anyone else on here, has BPD they will pick up on that last line.)
Reasons could be
- DID and the need for Alters to express themselves
- Change in beliefs ie a road to Damascus new set of Beliefs that Trans dosent fit with
- Realisation one can express themselves within a Cis Gender Identity (if one is less fixed on gender roles this can happen for some)
- Prohibitive costs and feeling that one cannot match the image in their heads
- Family Reasons
- Harsh realities of how society can treat us
- Falling in Love
Further, I would suggest She sees a Pysch < Edited by Moderator > They may well be, however, learning how to cope with these situations which inevitably arise, is where a Pysch will be most handy, so to help one know thyself.
This was all meant in a productive way. I feel VERY strongly about the survivors of Abuse, and the impact of Pyschs to help people cope with themselves.
Lexa.
It sounds like you are going about the pace I did. When it was all said and done I had a C cup. From brand to brand I'm roughly a 36C. I had a B cup before 90 days where up but it took a while for the poofyness to recede.
What do you mean that your mind is not catching up to your body? Transitioning should be bringing congruence with you self and your body. Are you referring to the adjustment to things like the glass ceiling, mansplaning and the ogling?
Oh my you went into a men's room that far into HRT. Even peeing standing up I can understand the raised eyebrows. If you pass as well as you do then most likely you look like a woman in men's cloths. That won't get the stares like a man in a dress until you go into the rest room. My suggestion is it is time to go full time. Get your carry letter in case anyone says anything about you in the rest room. No more standing to pee either. Get used to sitting or squatting if you plan on SRS because it lessens the adjustment after the surgery.
Hi Lexa,
No offense taken by me. I am inexperienced and just trying to help with what I've observed. I am happy to be corrected.
My main message was not to confuse being bullied by others with feelings that you are at fault somehow.
Child abuse is a very serious matter and I did not mean to come across flippant when I mentioned it. Those who seek to undermine us elsewhere online tend to use victims of child abuse who later regret transitioning in their arguments against people transitioning. It was wrong of me to assume that as a reason and I am guilty of being influenced in an unexpected way by those who wish us harm. To that I apologize and thank you for pointing out my error.
My comment towards needing to deal with it before transitioning meant to see a psychiatrist... because I know that issues caused by bullying can continue long after the bullying stops. It destroys a person's confidence, can lead to self harm, and even suicide. I, like many others on here, have suffered from that for most of our childhood. My daughter is seven years old and self harms because of a bullying incident that happened in February and she has completely withdrawn. Another person I know tried multiple times to kill herself. It is for this reason I tried to reach out to the OP. I am sorry if I didn't make that more clear.
When people attack you for nothing more than who you are, it is bullying... and when it changes your behaviour and makes you doubt yourself, then it leaves an emotional scar. I find it useful to talk to someone about such episodes who is qualified enough to tell you that you are not to blame.
But as I said, I am happy to stand corrected.
QuoteI am sure someone more experienced can correct me if I've got it wrong
Thank you for pointing it out.
love
Alice
Quote from: Alice (nym) on November 08, 2018, 01:59:43 PM
Hi Lexa,
No offense taken by me. I am inexperienced and just trying to help with what I've observed. I am happy to be corrected.
My main message was not to confuse being bullied by others with feelings that you are at fault somehow.
Child abuse is a very serious matter and I did not mean to come across flippant when I mentioned it. Those who seek to undermine us elsewhere online tend to use victims of child abuse who later regret transitioning in their arguments against people transitioning. It was wrong of me to assume that as a reason and I am guilty of being influenced in an unexpected way by those who wish us harm. To that I apologize and thank you for pointing out my error.
My comment towards needing to deal with it before transitioning meant to see a psychiatrist... because I know that issues caused by bullying can continue long after the bullying stops. It destroys a person's confidence, can lead to self harm, and even suicide. I, like many others on here, have suffered from that for most of our childhood. My daughter is seven years old and self harms because of a bullying incident that happened in February and she has completely withdrawn. Another person I know tried multiple times to kill herself. It is for this reason I tried to reach out to the OP. I am sorry if I didn't make that more clear.
When people attack you for nothing more than who you are, it is bullying... and when it changes your behaviour and makes you doubt yourself, then it leaves an emotional scar. I find it useful to talk to someone about such episodes who is qualified enough to tell you that you are not to blame.
But as I said, I am happy to stand corrected.
Thank you for pointing it out.
love
Alice
Hi Alice,
I REALLY appreciate your reply. Thank you for engaging back, in a constructive way. I tried to take off my -reputation on you, so gave you a + instead so to balance out! I am a bit emotional about DID survivors, as have a family history of abuse.
It is good to talk over these things, and I can now see the point you were trying to make, and that is a good one, Ie don't feel at fault when you are bullied for merely being yourself. Thats an important message to give. My sympathy towards your Daughter. I hope given some time, she can feel better about herself. Childhood bullying is toxic.
I also get your point about seeing a Pyschologist ideally before transition, so to try to deal with emotional trauma. Its ideal but not always how it goes in life.
Its amazing how much can be lost in text at times ,and then explained more later. Thank you.
Thank you, Lexa
I
:police: I have made a few edits in this conversation. I trust we can keep this civil here now. :police:
Unlocking topic
I shall remind everyone to leave moderating to the moderators.
If there is an issue report it and it will be dealt with.
Cindy
Forum Admin.
Completely off topic, Cindy, but what is the blue check mark over your picture?
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn on November 09, 2018, 01:05:23 AM
Completely off topic, Cindy, but what is the blue check mark over your picture?
Hugs, Devlyn
@DevlynDear Devlyn: If you hover your cursor over the blue check mark, the following message is displayed:
"This user has been verified by staff."
I think it is a good thing that our Forums Administrator is verified by staff !!!!!
Hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on November 09, 2018, 08:59:06 AM
@Devlyn
Dear Devlyn:
If you hover your cursor over the blue check mark, the following message is displayed:
"This user has been verified by staff."
I think it is a good thing that our Forums Administrator is verified by staff !!!!!
Hugs,
Danielle
Science! :) Thanks, doll!
Quote from: Dani on November 08, 2018, 07:55:41 AM
Lexi,
You have only been on HRT for 10 months. This is not enough time to see physical changes in your appearance. It took me almost 3 years of Estradiol before people started using female pronouns.
Did I have doubts? You bet I did! I had doubts for over 50 years. There are many reasons for that, but what it all came down to is two events in my life. First, I felt rejected by my spouse of over 40 years and second, I finally accepted myself for what I am.
I am transgender. This was the most difficult realization in my life. When I was younger the general understanding of my condition was not well understood. So, I decided to tough it out. Military service, guns, motorcycles and fast cars became my life. I was not satisfied. My feelings of gender dysphoria never went away.
Again, this was not a decision, but rather a realization of what I needed to survive. Early termination of my life was always on my mind. Later in life, I found myself quite alone in a long term marriage. Add in prostate issues that were more complicated than most and I found myself on Estradiol. Oh my! What a feeling this was. For the first time in my life my self image was somewhat in line with my body. That is when I needed to transition.
I am fully aware of the down side of transition. Costs of surgeries and loss of employment and personal relationships are just the beginning of our difficulties. Transition is not for everyone, but for me it is making the rest of my life worth living.
Wow! Three years? To me, it took 2 weeks for people to start using female pronouns, incredible, isn't it? How much age affects how hormones change your body.
On another note, I have never have any doubts whatsoever. I just finally decided that this is the only way to live and never looked back. I guess I fit so perfectly well as a woman that there was never any space for doubts.
Quote from: NatalieRene on November 08, 2018, 01:25:38 PM
It sounds like you are going about the pace I did. When it was all said and done I had a C cup. From brand to brand I'm roughly a 36C. I had a B cup before 90 days where up but it took a while for the poofyness to recede.
What do you mean that your mind is not catching up to your body? Transitioning should be bringing congruence with you self and your body. Are you referring to the adjustment to things like the glass ceiling, mansplaning and the ogling?
Oh my you went into a men's room that far into HRT. Even peeing standing up I can understand the raised eyebrows. If you pass as well as you do then most likely you look like a woman in men's cloths. That won't get the stares like a man in a dress until you go into the rest room. My suggestion is it is time to go full time. Get your carry letter in case anyone says anything about you in the rest room. No more standing to pee either. Get used to sitting or squatting if you plan on SRS because it lessens the adjustment after the surgery.
I don't think I was explaining myself right. I have been full time female from april until late September always using the ladies room never going out in public as a guy until I got into that bad situation and mind set, and there were a few times in late sept and oct where I actually felt I didn't want to be trans. For the first time in months I went out dressed as a guy I was anxious and felt like I all of a sudden didn't have the courage any more.
But yesterday I went out and I felt like I had my courage back and made myself look pretty and was called she and miss all day. I felt better about myself after that.
I think its my really bad anxiety disorder is effecting me. I realized this as I re read this thread over the last few days.
Whats a carry letter? Sounds like something to carry a gun. I signed my state ID with my female name and the picture on it looks female.
Quote from: Dany on November 09, 2018, 08:36:46 PM
Wow! Three years? To me, it took 2 weeks for people to start using female pronouns, incredible, isn't it? How much age affects how hormones change your body.
On another note, I have never have any doubts whatsoever. I just finally decided that this is the only way to live and never looked back. I guess I fit so perfectly well as a woman that there was never any space for doubts.
What do you mean 2 weeks? At two weeks I could feel mental changes but nothing physical that soon. What changed on you in two weeks? Did you just start dressing female and wearing make up and since you already looked female naturally people started calling you she?
Two or three years is quite average, When I started HRT I was expecting 2 years; and not start presenting female until the one year mark, but by chance it went much faster, I got impatient and started presenting female full time after 2 months. As soon as I went out people started saying miss/she which I wasn't expecting and that's what gave me the courage to keep going.
September was a fluke cause by an underlying anxiety disorder I had that popped out because of a trigger like PTSD that I have, from almost dying a few years back.
But seriously what happened at two weeks? For me at two weeks my facial hair was a tiny bit slower to grow but that was it.
The first time I wondered if I should be doing this was the first time I tried on my sister's tights and have asked myself that many times since then, including recently about going on HRT. There were also times, like many others here, where I purged my female clothing collection, convinced I shouldn't be doing this. It's entirely normal, as it is a very significant change. Just accept that's who you are and go with it as best you can.
Quote from: AnneK on November 10, 2018, 07:37:06 AM
The first time I wondered if I should be doing this was the first time I tried on my sister's tights and have asked myself that many times since then, including recently about going on HRT. There were also times, like many others here, where I purged my female clothing collection, convinced I shouldn't be doing this. It's entirely normal, as it is a very significant change. Just accept that's who you are and go with it as best you can.
I know 100% that I'm trans, I was just wondering do I want to transition... but I think I was just feeling bad mentally and I'm getting over it now.
When I would cross dress when I thought I was a cross dresser I threw away my clothes a few times. Luckily the last time I didn't because that's still about 1/4 of my wardrobe. Each time the feeling would come back more and more and I realized that by the time I was in my 50's or 60's the desire would be overwhelming, but I would have lost my window to have the hormones work well. I was obsessed with being passible back then. Luckily I responded really well to the hormones so I think I did it just in time before I started aging with testosterone. But of course I have regrets that it would have worked really well if I was 16 or 18, but I couldn't have handled the social pressures back then unless I went homeschooled or moved to another school. I still have only came out to a few current friends, the rest I just left behind with the old me, I didn't know them well enough to be a part of my life. I also don't live anywhere near where I grew up so that helps. But now I will age gracefully with estrogen. Weird how the estrogen makes your face look younger.
Well, I'm 65 and plan to start hormones soon. Last Monday I asked my doctor to refer me for them. One thing I've noticed is the trans feeling gets stronger with time. Like you, I would love to have transitioned many years ago but, as with you, I was worried about social issues. Also, back then, in Ontario, you had to see a psychiatrist in a program that was set up more as an obstacle course, than one to genuinely help trans people. It was only in 2016 that things changed so much here. I'm also envious of those who are recognized as trans as children. They can go through things like puberty blockers, etc., so they get the most benefit from hormones. When I was that age, I'd never heard the word "trans" and just thought there was something wrong with me.
Quote from: AnneK on November 11, 2018, 07:17:26 AM
Well, I'm 65 an plan to start hormones soon. Last Monday I asked my doctor to refer me for them. One thing I've noticed is the trans feeling gets stronger with time. Like you, I would love to have transitioned many years ago but, as with you, I was worried about social issues. Also, back then, in Ontario, you had to see a psychiatrist in a program that was set up more as an obstacle course, than one to genuinely help trans people. It was only in 2016 that things changed so much here. I'm also envious of those who are recognized as trans as children. They can go through things like puberty blockers, etc., so they get the most benefit from hormones. When I was that age, I'd never heard the word "trans" and just thought there was something wrong with me.
I have a friend that just started hrt at 75 so it's never too late. She says just when she started the test blocker she felt better much better. I started taking the hormones for physical reasons, I was not aware of the mental change which is 50% or more of what the hormones do. I will never go off the estrogen it's the best I have ever felt. Works better then any antidepressant I have ever been on.
Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 11, 2018, 09:53:43 AM
I have a friend that just started hrt at 75 so it's never too late. She says just when she started the test blocker she felt better much better. I started taking the hormones for physical reasons, I was not aware of the mental change which is 50% or more of what the hormones do. I will never go off the estrogen it's the best I have ever felt. Works better then any antidepressant I have ever been on.
I've been on an anti-androgen, dutasteride, coming up on 2 years. However, I don't know that I feel better, other than relieving BPH. I am certainly looking forward to taking estrogen. I am looking for some physical changes, particularly breast growth, but understand that effects may be limited at my age.
Your journey sounds like one of both wonderfulness and setbacks, some combination of those is necessary for every life, but I think in trans people the setbacks often seem harder because so few people can relate to exactly what we face.
At 3+ yrs on hormones, much of physical change is complete. Like you, I changed rapidly and early. I have 38D breasts (DD when my weight goes up, my body looks incredibly feminine. I still have privilege and I "should" feel blessed
The price has been huge losses, in family and friends (including my initially accepting marriage). Depression returned after initially losing the GD, have left me at times, with a feeling of loss of momentum and yeah that makes me question why on earth, I ever did this.
In the three years, my presentation has gone from tomgirl/androgynous to quite girlie, now back to more tomgirl. I sometimes believe we gravitate back to what we know in times of stress, even if what we know is not entirely perfect for us. I don't have any guy clothes anymore but I do find some solace in some level of masculinity at times and I won't be ashamed of that. I often remind myself that there is no right way to be a trans woman. I still get correctly gendered 90% of the time.
What I did gain though was a lot. New love, friends that truly understand me and the ability to be my authentic self without passing myself through the filter of other people. I think what you have faced is pretty common and only you can decide how to proceed, but there are many that face exactly what you have.
Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 10, 2018, 05:25:45 AM
I don't think I was explaining myself right. I have been full time female from april until late September always using the ladies room never going out in public as a guy until I got into that bad situation and mind set, and there were a few times in late sept and oct where I actually felt I didn't want to be trans. For the first time in months I went out dressed as a guy I was anxious and felt like I all of a sudden didn't have the courage any more.
But yesterday I went out and I felt like I had my courage back and made myself look pretty and was called she and miss all day. I felt better about myself after that.
I think its my really bad anxiety disorder is effecting me. I realized this as I re read this thread over the last few days.
Whats a carry letter? Sounds like something to carry a gun. I signed my state ID with my female name and the picture on it looks female.
It's nothing like that. It's a letter from your therapist that states that you are under their care and undergoing transition and that part of it is to be full time presenenting as a woman. The letter also typically has contact information for the therapist so that if anyone with authority gives you a hard time you can show it to them and avoid legal ramifications.
Quote from: NatalieRene on November 11, 2018, 01:56:31 PM
It's nothing like that. It's a letter from your therapist that states that you are under their care and undergoing transition and that part of it is to be full time presenenting as a woman. The letter also typically has contact information for the therapist so that if anyone with authority gives you a hard time you can show it to them and avoid legal ramifications.
Have you ever had to use the letter? Do they just say "what are you doing in there?!" And you say "Here read this." And hope the bathroom isn't looking at you? What's their reaction like? Do they apologize or get hostile ? I go to a LGBT specialist doctors office and see a trans specialist doctor, and a trans specialist therapist, and trans specialist groups but they have never mentioned this letter. Maybe that's because my state is more progressive? I can carry around my medical record as paper copies are about as thick as five phone books, and that's just the ones I could find, less a few that have been lost. I want to turn them into an owners manual on the operation, proper care, service, maintenance and repair of a 1982 MtF Model T.
Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 10, 2018, 05:34:14 AM
What do you mean 2 weeks? At two weeks I could feel mental changes but nothing physical that soon. What changed on you in two weeks? Did you just start dressing female and wearing make up and since you already looked female naturally people started calling you she?
Two or three years is quite average, When I started HRT I was expecting 2 years; and not start presenting female until the one year mark, but by chance it went much faster, I got impatient and started presenting female full time after 2 months. As soon as I went out people started saying miss/she which I wasn't expecting and that's what gave me the courage to keep going.
September was a fluke cause by an underlying anxiety disorder I had that popped out because of a trigger like PTSD that I have, from almost dying a few years back.
But seriously what happened at two weeks? For me at two weeks my facial hair was a tiny bit slower to grow but that was it.
I wasn't trying to pass you know, I also thought it'd take years for some reason, but it just didn't. At two weeks I was still wearing male clothes, which would be skinny jeans and a shirt, yet people were already using miss/she.
At 3 weeks I went to a Whitesnake concert and as we all know, there's separate lines for genders at the security check. Thinking that I wasn't passing, I went to the male one, when it was my turn, the security guy stopped in midair and said "Woman",ordering me to go to the other line. Quite awkward.
Since then my passability only improved as I look more and more womanly. You'd think that would help me kooking up with man, huh? Ironic and funnily enough it makes finding a man IMPOSSIBLE. They either wanna be with somebody who doesn't pass or even wants to pass and identifies as a "->-bleeped-<-", I mean, here in Brazil that's how they call themselves. Or they wanna be with a woman, a normal woman who has a vagina, that's the kind of men I end up attracting, dozens and dozens of them while there isn't a single one who says yes when I tell him about my curse. That's making life quite a challenge, you know, living without ever feeling pleasure, excitement, love, affection...let's hope I don't give up.
Quote from: Dany on November 12, 2018, 07:07:02 PM
I wasn't trying to pass you know, I also thought it'd take years for some reason, but it just didn't. At two weeks I was still wearing male clothes, which would be skinny jeans and a shirt, yet people were already using miss/she.
At 3 weeks I went to a Whitesnake concert and as we all know, there's separate lines for genders at the security check. Thinking that I wasn't passing, I went to the male one, when it was my turn, the security guy stopped in midair and said "Woman",ordering me to go to the other line. Quite awkward.
Since then my passability only improved as I look more and more womanly. You'd think that would help me kooking up with man, huh? Ironic and funnily enough it makes finding a man IMPOSSIBLE. They either wanna be with somebody who doesn't pass or even wants to pass and identifies as a "->-bleeped-<-", I mean, here in Brazil that's how they call themselves. Or they wanna be with a woman, a normal woman who has a vagina, that's the kind of men I end up attracting, dozens and dozens of them while there isn't a single one who says yes when I tell him about my curse. That's making life quite a challenge, you know, living without ever feeling pleasure, excitement, love, affection...let's hope I don't give up.
That is facinating, what specifically changed after two weeks? My doctor said I was changing at twice the normal rate for my age and I'm not passible after almost a year, while I'm called she its because I look feminine trans person not because they think I'm a woman. The first thing I got from hormones were things that only I would notice, soft skin change in smell reduction in body hair and chest started growing but by the time I took my first dose of estrogen I had low test for 4 or 5 months which jump started it. I only take the blocker to get that last bit of test down to female levels. I didn't have any physical changes until at least a month after they got me up to the full dose of estrogen AND blocker, so really 2 or 3 months into HRT 6 months since stopping test (I was on injections before). Did your doctor not start you off slowly and build it up? I have never heard of this and want to learn more. You must have passed before you started HRT I guess, I have seen some people that can, well never in real life but seen pictures of men that just look like women to start. Are you very young like 16 or 18?
Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 11, 2018, 04:49:47 PM
Have you ever had to use the letter? Do they just say "what are you doing in there?!" And you say "Here read this." And hope the bathroom isn't looking at you? What's their reaction like? Do they apologize or get hostile ? I go to a LGBT specialist doctors office and see a trans specialist doctor, and a trans specialist therapist, and trans specialist groups but they have never mentioned this letter. Maybe that's because my state is more progressive? I can carry around my medical record as paper copies are about as thick as five phone books, and that's just the ones I could find, less a few that have been lost. I want to turn them into an owners manual on the operation, proper care, service, maintenance and repair of a 1982 MtF Model T.
I never did but I lucked out in many ways.
The letter is there as evidence that you're not just a pervert off the street that was caught in the laddies room. It's insurance for get out of jail free just in case. My therapist was specialized and experienced. I chalk it up to caution.
Doubts about transitioning?
Before HRT YES
After HRT NO
:)
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on November 09, 2018, 08:59:06 AM
@Devlyn
Dear Devlyn:
If you hover your cursor over the blue check mark, the following message is displayed:
"This user has been verified by staff."
I think it is a good thing that our Forums Administrator is verified by staff !!!!!
Hugs,
Danielle
Holy crap, I have one now, too! ;D
What is the process for being verified?
Quote from: Clementineismine on November 16, 2018, 02:09:00 AM
Doubts about transitioning?
Before HRT YES
After HRT NO
:)
Hi, Clementineismine!
Welcome to Susan's Place.
Thank you for jumping into the conversation!
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Quote from: NatalieRene on November 16, 2018, 01:49:43 PM
What is the process for being verified?
I'm not sure. I have been here for the better part of a decade though, and held various positions on the Staff. Apparently someone thought I could be trusted. :)
Quote from: Devlyn on November 16, 2018, 02:04:35 PM
I'm not sure. I have been here for the better part of a decade though, and held various positions on the Staff. Apparently someone thought I could be trusted. :)
I think it more likely that they are 'checking' on you Devlyn.
Quote from: Devlyn on November 16, 2018, 02:04:35 PM
I'm not sure. I have been here for the better part of a decade though, and held various positions on the Staff. Apparently someone thought I could be trusted. :)
Is verified a social thing or is it more like it sees you always use the same ip, or you have had X number of posts without an infraction?
What does it verify? What privileges and responsibilities come with it?
Back on topic:
Dani: What happens at two weeks? to your body? Do you have pictures that you use to track yourself? My doc told me todo this but I can't find the SD card from before the last few months. DOH! Now I'm curious, because in the bathroom today something about my reflection just looked more female then male, more then it normally does. I notice when my weight changes I get more comments When I lose weight no the girly parts like boobs don't shrink like they used to. I wasn't expecting my face to change at all, didn't think it was possible but it does look different. I'm going to try and find the pictures to show you guys maybe you can figure out why everyone says its different. Obviously the fat is redistributing but how does it do that? Once you know that you could use make up to exaggerate it more even if you are not responding as well. I like being called she without the make up though. That makes me feel like I have actually "done" it.
Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 17, 2018, 02:32:20 PMI wasn't expecting my face to change at all, didn't think it was possible but it does look different.
Oh, yes the facial changes are among the most subtle, but the loveliest changes on HRT! After a few months, I found myself liking the girl in the mirror. These days, I can't even see a guy there any more.
Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 17, 2018, 02:32:20 PM
Is verified a social thing or is it more like it sees you always use the same ip, or you have had X number of posts without an infraction?
What does it verify? What privileges and responsibilities come with it?
Back on topic:
Dani: What happens at two weeks? to your body? Do you have pictures that you use to track yourself? My doc told me todo this but I can't find the SD card from before the last few months. DOH! Now I'm curious, because in the bathroom today something about my reflection just looked more female then male, more then it normally does. I notice when my weight changes I get more comments When I lose weight no the girly parts like boobs don't shrink like they used to. I wasn't expecting my face to change at all, didn't think it was possible but it does look different. I'm going to try and find the pictures to show you guys maybe you can figure out why everyone says its different. Obviously the fat is redistributing but how does it do that? Once you know that you could use make up to exaggerate it more even if you are not responding as well. I like being called she without the make up though. That makes me feel like I have actually "done" it.
Two weeks is fast. You might start to have some changes but for me it wasn't noticeable until around a month.
I don't have a bunch of photos from before but here is one of me before on the left and after about a year later.
https://imgur.com/a/GD9CzwH
These are from 3 months on HRT.
https://imgur.com/a/cKLrEXa
QuoteApparently someone thought I could be trusted. :)
I'm sure someone will catch that error, sooner or later. ;)
Quote from: AnneK on November 17, 2018, 04:08:22 PM
I'm sure someone will catch that error, sooner or later. ;)
It's a trap!
Quote from: NatalieRene on November 17, 2018, 03:47:30 PM
Two weeks is fast. You might start to have some changes but for me it wasn't noticeable until around a month.
I don't have a bunch of photos from before but here is one of me before on the left and after about a year later.
https://imgur.com/a/GD9CzwH
These are from 3 months on HRT.
https://imgur.com/a/cKLrEXa
Nice I notice the same things in my face like in the top pic in your second link. My cheeks look different and jaw has less fat. My nose is slightly narrower too if I look real close. Honestly I am very curious about strangers noticing after two weeks the body, even healing after an injury, doesn't change that fast and going from male to female takes a LOT of big changes both in magnitude and in places on the body. For me its a double edge sword because if for some reason I don't want to transition to female or want to go back to a man, the mental benefits of the estrogen are too great for me to stop taking, and I don't think the body changes would fully reverse, the doctor warned me about that and made sure I was aware when she saw me changing. Plus I don't think I could ever have kids. There's no sperm anymore.
Quoteand I don't think the body changes would fully reverse
Here's some info from Rainbow Health, in Toronto, about this. According to them only breast growth is permanent, though sterility, etc. are "variable".
https://www.rainbowhealthontario.ca/TransHealthGuide/pdf/fem-ht-expectedeffectsguide.pdf (https://www.rainbowhealthontario.ca/TransHealthGuide/pdf/fem-ht-expectedeffectsguide.pdf)
To me if someone didn't have any doubts would raise more flags than if they did. It's sensible to think carefully about any major decision and consider the costs. Never sensible to dive into something without thinking.
Quote from: Kylo on November 18, 2018, 04:28:12 PM
To me if someone didn't have any doubts would raise more flags than if they did. It's sensible to think carefully about any major decision and consider the costs. Never sensible to dive into something without thinking.
Thank you that makes me feel better. Like if you are going into a dangerous situation and you are not scared your probably going to get killed or hurt.
<deleted>< Edited by moderator >
I had wanted to transition for as long as I can remember. No doubts or second thoughts once I figured out I needed to as well.
That was a little over 2 years ago, HRT for 21 months now.
54 years of doubt up to that point.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Quote from: TonyaW on November 19, 2018, 06:29:54 AM
I had wanted to transition for as long as I can remember. No doubts or second thoughts once I figured out I needed to as well.
That was a little over 2 years ago, HRT for 21 months now.
54 years of doubt up to that point.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I still think at times I should not transition more, but the feeling is being countered with a stronger transitioning drive.
For seven or eight months my dysphoria has been growing. Many weeks I can be satisfied with both my fluid genders but there is no doubt now my female feelings are clearly overpowering my maleness most days. My body continues to slowly feminize and I find that delightful. I can still dress and present male or somewhat androgynously and I feel okay about that but as my breasts and hips grow, I want to emphasize that a little at least with my clothes. After all, I am a woman.
This is not a burning need to crossdress as much as wanting to present as a woman with the appropriate female wardrobe because I am a woman inside, so why not on the outside? It just seems to be the more natural thing to do now. It is hard to describe exactly beyond that. I love the feminine clothes, for sure, but I just seem to be more comfortable physically and in my mind when I wear one of my blouses, for example. I want people to see me as a woman.
It is sometimes just hard to put into words exactly how this dysphoria goes far beyond clothing choices. I am not in the right body, yet. I want my mind and body to be congruent.
On the other hand, hair removal with laser and electrolysis is not something I look forward to doing. I am okay with shaving. That feeling too may change!
Chrissy
@ChrissyRyan read your own post. I think it is clear what direction you want to go.
Mmmm, nah. As a guy I was always angry at the world, up to my 44th year of life. Nobody, but nobody got close to me, not even my former military teammates, just one adventurous female got inside my wire(at 42 years old,curses, lol). Now 6 years on hrt, shes still with me, through thick and thin, I'm alot easier on the eyes and alot more laid back personality wise, still standoffish, but non threatening now.
I said screw it, things are not getting better, so why not, just dive into it already, I've done alot of research into it already(30 years worth, before hrt).
When you know, you know.
Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
Quote from: SonadoraXVX on December 08, 2018, 07:55:24 AM
Mmmm, nah. As a guy I was always angry at the world, up to my 44th year of life. Nobody, but nobody got close to me, not even my former military teammates, just one adventurous female got inside my wire(at 42 years old,curses, lol). Now 6 years on hrt, shes still with me, through thick and thin, I'm alot easier on the eyes and alot more laid back personality wise, still standoffish, but non threatening now.
I said screw it, things are not getting better, so why not, just dive into it already, I've done alot of research into it already(30 years worth, before hrt).
When you know, you know.
Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk
I think those of us who transition later in life in a sense have it easier. We have lived through the doubts. We know, from decades of bitter experience, exactly what "What if I don't transition?" feels like. So, when we get to the point of "Screw it, things are not getting better", we just dive right in and get it done.
I feel for the younger folks who can't know what decades of dysphoria feels like. (Spoiler alert: It sucks!)