This is something I wanted to ask some other transgender people. Something I will say is, there is nothing easy about transition. It seems that the further I get into it the more I see the sacrifices. You lose friends, you lose family, and you lose approval from society. Sure, it is wonderful on the rare occasion that I find someone that actually does accept it, but it is a very lonely path for the most part.
So, I am curious if that question ever crosses or has crossed your mind at some point in this journey. "Why do I even bother doing it?"
Quote from: CosmicJoke on December 02, 2018, 11:11:05 PM
So, I am curious if that question ever crosses or has crossed your mind at some point in this journey. "Why do I even bother doing it?"
That thought crossed my mind during a very stressful week related to a work situation about a month back. The work stress was not transitioning related, but the work, on top of transitioning felt like way too much.
A different but similar thought I get when someone says "You must have courage to do this!" is:
"You mean I must be stupid to do this! right?"I don't always say it out loud, but have sometimes.
~Dee.
It has, and I am sure it will continue to.
Almost everybody has these thoughts, some of us a lot. It is a rare person who comes into this with such self confidence (or obliviousness ) that they blow right by the doubts. Be patient and you'll feel better soon.
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
After a year on hormones and almost 2 years of being me not any longer as I have "found" myself.
As others have said, I think we all question ourselves at times. Many people have congratulated me for being brave or courageous. I usually just thank them, but I tell my friends that it was actually an act of desperation. If you have to chose between growing more miserable and angrier every year with the thoughts of ending your own life becoming stronger and stronger, or allowing yourself to find peace -- is it really that hard of a decision?
If I ever doubt myself, thinking about who I used to be for a few seconds puts me right back on track. It is in many ways both the most difficult and easiest decision I ever made.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
My ex wife would say transitioning was selfish of me.
I, on the other hand, say transition was for my future survival. I needed to transition, at any cost.
And a cost I paid.
On one side of the ledger, I've not seen my daughter since 2008. I doubt she'll ever see me again as she has no idea where I live or even my name. A friend of mine suggested keeping a Facebook profile with my old name and a contact number just in case.
I can only imagine the pain and torment my ex went through. What she had to tell her family and our friends...and why I disappeared.
I quit a significant six figure job.
On the plus side of the ledger, it has taken me a few years to get back on my feet. 10 years since I transitioned, I'm married again, own my second house, retired (I'm 53), and life is good.
I do pray almost every day that I'll see my daughter again. One day.
Transition has been a blessing, not a burden.
Quote from: CosmicJoke on December 02, 2018, 11:11:05 PM... <snip> ... I am curious if that question ever crosses or has crossed your mind at some point in this journey. "Why do I even bother doing it?"
Every day
I question why I bother. Or even why I exist in the first place to carry this heavy burden... Recently I've been thinking a lot about "what would make this successful?" as in my transition... I guess I think "success" (what does that even mean?) would somehow justify my transition and even my existence. Mostly though I think I just want to be accepted and respected. I don't feel like I "belong" in my family and never have. I guess it's worth my time to try to find somewhere I do belong though..
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I do have occasional moments where I think that this must be the craziest thing I have done in my life. Wouldn't it have been simpler just to carry on the way I was?
Those moments happen when I stop thinking about why I am doing it.
I quickly come to my senses and remember exactly why I do it. I remember the decades of not being able to be myself. And I think of what my future would have held if I had not transitioned: a probably inevitable slide into depression, and who knows what kind of end.
Quote from: CosmicJoke on December 02, 2018, 11:11:05 PM
This is something I wanted to ask some other transgender people. Something I will say is, there is nothing easy about transition. It seems that the further I get into it the more I see the sacrifices. You lose friends, you lose family, and you lose approval from society. Sure, it is wonderful on the rare occasion that I find someone that actually does accept it, but it is a very lonely path for the most part.
So, I am curious if that question ever crosses or has crossed your mind at some point in this journey. "Why do I even bother doing it?"
No, once I was headed down the path I never looked back.
I'm sorry you've lost so much. I had to distance myself from my brother for a short time, but he's since come around in his thinking. I transitioned on the job, a few hiccups there, but all was fine after some communicating. I haven't lost a single friend, and made plenty of new ones along the way.
Hugs, Devlyn
Not really.
I'm a self-centered person. I don't mean that I'm a selfish monster, I mean that my life has always been predicated on self-preservation in order to function, and self-aware of its own level of discomfort. I believe I'm here and alive for myself primarily and don't exist for someone else or for society (I don't have any kids, that would be the only exception for my situation). Maybe that attitude comes from being isolated or feeling isolated. But the whole point of living in my opinion is to come to understand and appreciate yourself so you can understand and appreciate life.
Being trans throws a massive spanner in the works when it comes to understanding and appreciating the lived experience.
I bother doing it because if there's an opportunity to self-actualize better and improve the lived experience on a personal level, it has to be done if it can be done. To not do it when I could do it and never know if I could reach a better plane of existence would be something to answer for when it was too late to act.
Friends? Those can be replaced. There is no use for a friend who behaves like an enemy.
Family? Those can't be replaced, but again, if they behave like an enemy, what good are they? And what real justification do they have for behaving like an enemy over something like this? This is a condition, in my case. I didn't choose it, I didn't ask for it, I don't want it, and it affected my life negatively to the point I sought medical intervention. If they begrudge me that to keep up appearances, they can shove it where the sun don't shine.
Society? What do I owe society that can't be paid after transition as before?
(I guess it's a question of attitude. Mine has always been reactive. Don't mess with me and I won't mess with you, sort of thing. I don't ask for anything and I don't take anything that doesn't belong to me. Therefore I owe nothing to anyone else. Nobody has a right to interfere with my life if my life is not interfering with theirs.
I do think isolation probably has a lot to do with this attitude, but I don't know any better. I've always been isolated and "different").
Quote from: Kylo on December 03, 2018, 09:52:10 AM
Not really.
I'm a self-centered person. I don't mean that I'm a selfish monster, I mean that my life has always been predicated on self-preservation in order to function, and self-aware of its own level of discomfort, and I believe I'm here and alive for myself primarily and don't exist for someone else or for society. Maybe that attitude comes from being isolated or feeling isolated. But the whole point of living in my opinion is to come to understand and appreciate yourself so you can understand and appreciate life.
Being trans throws a massive spanner in the works when it comes to understanding and appreciating the lived experience.
I bother doing it because if there's an opportunity to self-actualize better and improve the lived experience on a personal level, it has to be done if it can be done. To not do it when I could do it and never know if I could reach a better plane of existence would be something to answer for when it was too late to act.
Friends? Those can be replaced. There is no use for a friend who behaves like an enemy.
Family? Those can't be replaced, but again, if they behave like an enemy, what good are they? And what real justification do they have for behaving like an enemy over something like this? This is a condition, in my case. I didn't choose it, I didn't ask for it, and it affected my life negatively to the point I sought medical intervention. If they begrudge me that to keep up appearances, they can shove it where the sun don't shine.
Society? What do I owe society that can't be paid after transition as before?
+1 for that. :)
Quote from: Allison S on December 03, 2018, 06:35:07 AM
I question why I bother. Or even why I exist in the first place to carry this heavy burden... Recently I've been thinking a lot about "what would make this successful?" as in my transition... I guess I think "success" (what does that even mean?) would somehow justify my transition and even my existence. Mostly though I think I just want to be accepted and respected. I don't feel like I "belong" in my family and never have. I guess it's worth my time to try to find somewhere I do belong though..
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Funny, I have been having the exact same thoughts and feelings the last couple weeks. I am seriously questioning why I am even bothering to transition? I receive nothing by grief over wanting to transition and live as a woman from my family. I struggle to see the girl within on some days as I feel I am never going to actually transition and be able to live my life as myself.
My entire life I have never felt like I "belong" in my family either. I have struggled with those feeling for as long as I can remember. I have always felt I should be somewhere else.
Lisa
Quote from: Aceofblackdiamonds on December 03, 2018, 10:46:11 PM
Funny, I have been having the exact same thoughts and feelings the last couple weeks. I am seriously questioning why I am even bothering to transition? I receive nothing by grief over wanting to transition and live as a woman from my family. I struggle to see the girl within on some days as I feel I am never going to actually transition and be able to live my life as myself.
My entire life I have never felt like I "belong" in my family either. I have struggled with those feeling for as long as I can remember. I have always felt I should be somewhere else.
Lisa
Oh it's not easy. I just try to focus on other things in my life and realizing that "family" isn't always what it's supposed to be. My family makes me feel even more like a fraud trying to be a "woman". It's enough I live in fear of that from strangers or retaliation. There's just no real support and that does hurt. I mean besides my doctor and therapist. I'm trying to move out and get a full time job. For some reason I'm just lacking that drive and I don't know why I'm feeling so hopeless... Is my identity so tied to my immediate family? Or even the values and ideals we were raised with?
I still don't know what life I can make for myself yet...
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The thought has probably crossed my mind but it doesn't stay too long. This is just what I have to do, this is just who I am. Why? I have no idea. I don't even know what drives me to keep going, it's like a natural force inside of me pushing me to keep going and live my truth and find happiness. Probably just like other people pursue their passion and dreams no matter how many times they fail, until they finally make it.
Is it difficult? Heck yeah it is, all the time. Do I wish I was cis? I've thought about it a million times. But there's nothing I can do except live the best version of the life I was given.
Quote from: Allison S on December 04, 2018, 05:33:14 AM
Oh it's not easy. I just try to focus on other things in my life and realizing that "family" isn't always what it's supposed to be. My family makes me feel even more like a fraud trying to be a "woman". It's enough I live in fear of that from strangers or retaliation. There's just no real support and that does hurt. I mean besides my doctor and therapist. I'm trying to move out and get a full time job. For some reason I'm just lacking that drive and I don't know why I'm feeling so hopeless... Is my identity so tied to my immediate family? Or even the values and ideals we were raised with?
I still don't know what life I can make for myself yet...
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Allison, I am struggling with the exact same issues. I don't have any support from my family and have all but lost all my friends at this point. I don't know why being transgender presents such a barrier to people?
Quote,
"I'm trying to move out and get a full time job. For some reason I'm just lacking that drive and I don't know why I'm feeling so hopeless... Is my identity so tied to my immediate family? Or even the values and ideals we were raised with?
I still don't know what life I can make for myself yet..."
This is so true for me right now. My frustration levels are at an all time high. I also feel hopeless and trapped in my current situation. I worry about what kind of life I might have and wonder what I can make out of this life for myself? It's nothing short of stressful.
Lisa
I have been extremely lucky. I have not lost any friends that matter, and all of my family accepted me. As difficult as I think my journey has been, I can't imagine how difficult this is for those who get little or no support from their friends and family. I think for the most part people simply don't understand why anyone would want to do this, or their religious beliefs get in the way of accepting those of us who are different. Some people do pay a very high price to transition, but living as ones true self is priceless.
I like this lyric from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareilles:
"All my life I've tried to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide."
We all deserve to have happiness in our lives. We just have to decide when we are going to seek it out, and what we are willing to sacrifice. When I made my decision I knew it could cost me everyone I love, but I knew it was the only path which would save my life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 04, 2018, 09:08:29 PM
I have been extremely lucky. I have not lost any friends that matter, and all of my family accepted me. As difficult as I think my journey has been, I can't imagine how difficult this is for those who get little or no support from their friends and family. I think for the most part people simply don't understand why anyone would want to do this, or their religious beliefs get in the way of accepting those of us who are different. Some people do pay a very high price to transition, but living as ones true self is priceless.
I like this lyric from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareilles:
"All my life I've tried to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide."
We all deserve to have happiness in our lives. We just have to decide when we are going to seek it out, and what we are willing to sacrifice. When I made my decision I knew it could cost me everyone I love, but I knew it was the only path which would save my life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Hi Jessica, You are very lucky. For some of us we are very unfortunate.
I like this lyric from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareilles:
"All my life I've tried to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide."
I really like that song. I was thinking it could be one of the anthems for some of us. I know for myself I have felt every bit of her lyrics for way too long.
I have always been caught between pleasing everyone else and doing what is right for me. Everything just seems to get harder by the day for me right now. And all the while I am left feeling that if I took my own life not a soul in the world would even care. No one would ever miss me or even care that I am long gone. In fact in my darkest hours I feel the world would be better off if I just didn't exist. This is the unfortunate reality I have to deal with right now.
I am left questioning whether or not it's even worth transitioning. I can't shake the feeling of being a fraud in trying to be a woman. I feel even worse when my sister injects her comments and opinions into the matter.
Lisa
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 03, 2018, 07:19:29 AM
I do have occasional moments where I think that this must be the craziest thing I have done in my life. Wouldn't it have been simpler just to carry on the way I was?
Those moments happen when I stop thinking about why I am doing it.
I quickly come to my senses and remember exactly why I do it. I remember the decades of not being able to be myself. And I think of what my future would have held if I had not transitioned: a probably inevitable slide into depression, and who knows what kind of end.
Kathy Lauren, this is perfectly how I feel! Thank You for helping me feel less alone in that!
Marcie
Quote from: Aceofblackdiamonds on December 05, 2018, 12:02:41 PM
I have always been caught between pleasing everyone else and doing what is right for me. Everything just seems to get harder by the day for me right now. And all the while I am left feeling that if I took my own life not a soul in the world would even care. No one would ever miss me or even care that I am long gone. In fact in my darkest hours I feel the world would be better off if I just didn't exist. This is the unfortunate reality I have to deal with right now.
I am left questioning whether or not it's even worth transitioning. I can't shake the feeling of being a fraud in trying to be a woman. I feel even worse when my sister injects her comments and opinions into the matter.
Lisa
Lisa, you are a woman. The fraud you and I performed was trying to act like a man. We were born like this, and we have been trying to live up to other peoples expectations. Don't let others tell you who you are -- be yourself. Be the beautiful woman you know yourself to be. Be Lisa.
It took me over four decades to figure this out, as my anger slowly grew more and more intense. I didn't understand where my anger came from, I thought all men were like that. On one occasion I was so enraged that I was apoplectic (I had to look it up too). During that fit I actually contemplated taking my own life, along with the lives of my wife and daughters. I honestly don't know what stopped me. It was only about two years ago that I discovered the source of my anger, I had been hiding the soul of a woman behind the façade of a man. I knew the only path I could take was to transition, no matter what the cost. If I had continued down the path I was on it would not have ended well.
Someone loves you Lisa -- I love you, and I'm sure there are others. It is easy to be blinded by our own issues to the point we can't see what is right in front of us. It isn't easy, but life can be beautiful again. Find the strength to take that leap, ignore those who stand in your way, embrace the beautiful woman that you are, become who you were meant to be. A new world will open before your eyes, and you will find joy again.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica, Your right. But I can't help the way I feel either.
I hate to go there but something comes to mind.
I like the 1950's streamliners. The EMD F7 model is very popular with rail buffs. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMD_F7 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMD_F7) The problem is parts are becoming a major problem. As a result the few operational examples are sometimes rebuilt with modern components and electrical systems from model GP38-2 freight diesels. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMD_GP38-2 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMD_GP38-2) The inside is all modern but the outside retains the classic body. I get the question asked, Is it a F7 or a GP38-2 masquerading as a F7?
I can't quite get beyond that same question about my own remodel.
In non technical babble I guess one could consider the wolf in a sheep outfit in the sheep herd.
Lisa
Kind of like the Cadillac in the Johnny Cash song "One piece at a time".
One of my brothers has had both shoulders and a hip replaced, does that make him anything other than my brother? Is someone with an artificial heart no longer human? Our brain contains our soul, it is the essence of who we are. It shouldn't matter what the external housing looks like, our soul will always be female (or male for FTM). Unfortunately our souls were put in the wrong housings. Society defined us based on those housings, and all our lives we have tried to live up to their expectations. None of us should be controlled by the expectations of others, but we allow it to occur so we can feel accepted.
First we have to overcome that inertia of acceptance. We have to realize that to become who we were meant to be may very well cause us to, at least temporarily, lose some or all of the acceptance we crave.
Next, since brain transplants are not possible yet, we have to modify the parts we have so they match our souls -- we have to make our external shell match our perception of who we are so society will treat us accordingly. It is still our body, maybe a few parts are not exactly OEM, but we are not cars being scored on how many original parts we have -- all that matters is how smoothly we run, how comfortable we are in our own skin.
I woke up really early this morning and I'm getting tired. I hope this made sense!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica, You've made sense to me.
I am at the point I guess of needing to just except I am a woman and move on and embrace who I am and do what I can to make myself more comfortable in my own skin.
When I was in high school I had on more than one occasion girls come to me in private and tell me I know your girl.
When I graduated I remember standing in my English class upstairs in the heat waiting for more than an hour to move to the football field for graduation. In that time a large group of girls that had never spoken to me or ever wanted to know me came over and said something to the effect,
If you were a little nicer to people, lost some weight, and had more school spirit that they would have excepted me as one of them and helped me transition to live as a girl. One heck of a revelation if you ask me.
I remember literally feeling like I had been punched in the stomach. I remember sticking my head out the very large window that was open and literally feeling dizzy, faint and about to puke. I remember thinking to myself that if I fell out of the window and died that it would be less painful. about that time my brother and our friend came over and asked what was to matter? I never did tell.
I remember asking how they knew? The answer was girl intuition. They said they were surprised. I should have known that.
Honestly, I guess others have been able to figure me out before I have even been able to fully figure myself out. I guess I am very reluctant to fully except the painfully obvious truth so fill my mind with doubt.
I guess a point must come to embrace who I am, Except that I am a woman and get on living my life as a woman.
No, I really don't have anyone who cares about me or loves me. I appreciate all the support and love everyone here as shown.
Hugs,
Lisa
When I came out at work I sent the note to over sixty people, the subject line was 'I bet you never saw this coming'. I was right, no one had seen it coming. One or two people had commented about my hair getting longer, and a few had noticed that I was much happier, but no one expected me to transition. Two years ago I didn't see it coming either.
I don't understand why my wife stayed with me all of these years -- she says it's because she loves me. She may well have been the only person who could truly say that. I certainly didn't love who I was. My parents love me, but they are my parents after all. I'm honestly not certain if my daughters loved me, but I know our relationship is improving.
Since coming out I have had a few new friends tell me that they love me. Initially I found it strange and bewildering, but I am beginning to understand. One of our other members,
@Arianna Valentine , has been including this line in many of her recent posts:
If you can't accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?
A corollary to that is:
'How can you expect others to love you if you can't love yourself.'
When we don't like ourselves we tend to drive people away. We don't allow them to know us because we already know that we are not nice. My wife has commented many times about how much friendlier and outgoing I have become, I am no longer afraid to let people know me, and to let them into my life. I have made many new friends, some of them are among the best friends I have ever had. If I had not started this journey, I would never have met them.
It is hard at first, but once you start going down the right path it gets easier. Eventually you will make new friends, and some of them will love you for who you are, as I do. You have figured out who you really are, and once you become that person and allow her to shine a new world will open itself to you. Have faith in yourself.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Jessica, I enjoy reading your responses. They really make my day brighter. :)
Lots of love,
Lisa
Quote from: Aceofblackdiamonds on December 06, 2018, 05:56:45 PM
Honestly, I guess others have been able to figure me out before I have even been able to fully figure myself out. I guess I am very reluctant to fully except the painfully obvious truth so fill my mind with doubt.
Yes, but it sounds like they weren't very nice about it either... Are you transitioning now?
Quote from: Aceofblackdiamonds on December 05, 2018, 12:02:41 PM
I feel even worse when my sister injects her comments and opinions into the matter.
Lisa
My sister is very cutting with her words too. I have so much to say about gender and feminism, but I wouldn't even know where to start. It's absurd to me and hypocritical...
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Well, I was not very nice to anyone back then. A Tasmanian devil. >:-) I am transitioning now. For me everything came to a head. Either I transition or I die. I couldn't deal with it anymore. There is nothing that can stop me from being who I want to be. It's time to stop believing the lies and start living as my true self.
I hope to start HRT in the new year. Even without HRT I have been presenting female for a full year. I am also out to almost everyone with a few exceptions.
I am putting off hormones because I need to loose some weight. I am like 270 lbs and most of that is fat. I want to get down to a normal weight for my height as a female.
I don't think they would even let me start estrogen without loosing weight? I've heard mixed reviews on this subject.
I am still alot happier as the fat chick vs my old self.
Siblings can be so mean some times. My sister believes because of the mental and physical abuse I suffered as a little kid that I never had a good roll model for a man or something. She did admit she just did a quick look on the internet and came to that conclusion.
To me it's more like she just can't except having a trans sibling and looked for anyway to discredit my existence.
Lisa
Sometimes I do. But then I question life itself. I never ever thinking "oh it would be nice to be a cis male".
I just think its painful and wish it wouldn't be as painful.
Amen.
Why does this have to hurt so much? :(
Lots of love,
Lisa
Quote from: Aceofblackdiamonds on December 07, 2018, 01:17:55 PM
Amen.
Why does this have to hurt so much? :(
Lots of love,
Lisa
I can't answer that but I can share this poem that I have thought of many times when life feels hard. Its called
Of Course it Hurts by Karin Boye.
Of Course it Hurts
Of course it hurts when buds burst.
Otherwise why would spring hesitate?
Why would all our fervent longing
be bound in the frozen bitter haze?
The bud was the casing all winter.
What is this new thing, which consumes and bursts?
Of course it hurts when buds burst,
pain for that which grows
and for that which envelops.
Of course it is hard when drops fall.
Trembling with fear they hang heavy,
clammer on the branch, swell and slide -
the weight pulls them down, how they cling.
Hard to be uncertain, afraid and divided,
hard to feel the deep pulling and calling,
yet sit there and just quiver -
hard to want to stay
and to want to fall.
Then, at the point of agony and when all is beyond help,
the tree's buds burst as if in jubilation,
then, when fear no longer exists,
the branch's drops tumble in a shimmer,
forgetting that they were afraid of the new,
forgetting that they were fearful of the journey -
feeling for a second their greatest security,
resting in the trust
that creates the world.
Thank you for sharing the poem. I can understand how it applies to everyone of us.
Hugs,
Lisa
If the way I was treated by the girls in school was bad then how but this.
I did a couple business classes in HS. My teacher was a guy who I didn't like very much. He nominated me to present as Taylor Swift for the Red Cross woman less pageant. When I refused he wouldn't remove my name from the pageant nomination without putting up a heck of a fight. When I asked him later why? He said because I thought it would help you discover your inner self. ???
That year I would also go on to be nominated by the home coming committee to be Home coming queen. To make it even more painful the king was a guy who I absolutely hated being around. Talk about cruel. :o I didn't think I would be able to get out of that one. It almost took an act of congress.
I will admit I had a long history of trying to get on the cheerleading squad in a school that would not have it. I guess that coupled with my feminine emotions and feminine movement despite being very over weight and dressing like complete trash in tee shirts and sweat pants must have said volumes about who I really am inside. The whole time I didn't think I was radiating anything at all that would clue in anyone. :-\
Please don't ask about my complicated relations with the coach of the cheer squad. That would take up alot of space.
I can say though the whole thing was an elaborate act of discrimination that rambled on for a couple years.
I think it is safe to say I have been tormented and tortured alot in the past. At that time I was fully aware of my feelings but in complete denial.
Lisa
Most my thoughts are "why didn't I do it sooner.